I don't wanna work, I just wanna lie in my bed all day
June 3, 2011 9:28 AM Subscribe
Should I just accept that I need to be on SSRIs? Are there other meds that would help me more effectively?
I have depression and anxiety. Over the past year and a half, this has largely been mitigated by a 20mg dosage of Lexapro, which I finally succumbed to taking after the stress of writing a thesis sunk me into an intolerable depression.
Lexapro has been mostly good, in that I like that I never get so depressed that life seems hopeless and worthless, and my confidence and self esteem maintains itself instead of oscillating between dismal and decent.
However, the end of the school year this year was pretty awful, and for the last month of school I wanted to do nothing but lie in bed and watch internet tv (my go-to depressed activity). So even on the Lexapro I became depressed and useless. I feel like the Lexapro possibly made me MORE apathetic overall, which is frustrating because apathy is one of the most debilitating parts of my depression.
In addition to that, I've always felt uncomfortable being on meds. I don't like feeling like I need them or rely on them, and it seems the longer I'm on them the scarier the prospect of going it on my own seems. I'm in counseling and have done CBT and try to get enough exercise, but all of these things are hard to maintain when your body just wants you to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling/a screen.
Also, the Lex messed with my sex drive, which I really hate. I'm normally a very sexual person and it's an important part of a relationship for me. Feeling little to no desire makes me feel like a robot.
I've wondered if there are other ways to deal with my apathy/depression/lack of motivation. Surprisingly, having a little puff of a joint does wonders. I will be lying in bed feeling despair and zero motivation to do anything, then my roommate will pass me a puff, and suddenly I am up tailoring a dress and making vocabulary cue cards. It also makes me more social, because otherwise I pretty much want to avoid people and social interactions. It also makes me feel sexy/sexual. If it wasn't for the fact that I become a total space cadet and can't go to work or do any real studying, and that it only lasts for so long and then I'm even more of a zombie than before, then I would think it a viable solution. But it's not.
I've also wondered if I have ADD. I watch my roommates be productive and do things all day, and it seems I never get anything done. Little tasks and responsibilities (such as responding to emails, etc.) seem odious and insurmountable. I procrastinate pretty much everything that I can. I've managed to maintain good grades, but it's kind of a miracle borne of last minute all nighters. I can't do school work until it's absolutely necessary (think 3 am the night before it's due). Even then I have to get a large latte and pour a shot of Bailey's in to quell my anxiety.
I hate living like this. I have a dog who I"m sure would appreciate a more stable routine involving predictable exercise, and I would like to not dread having to take him to exercise everyday. I want to have kids some day but feel like I can't if I can't take care of myself.
I don't want to have to depend on meds, but I think I would accept it if they really helped me. THe apathy and sexlessness of Lexapro really discouraged me though.
I've also considered the fact that I'm just plain lazy. Seems like a plausible solution. I don't know what to do about it though...it feels overpowering.
SO...has anyone else experienced this? Especially the lack of motivation to do anything? I have concrete goals that I really want to achieve, just can't seem to make the day-to-day effort towards achieving them. I've been wanting to write this question for weeks...just could never quite bring myself to actually do it.
If you have any insight into my problem and possible solutions I'm antsy to hear it.