How would you go about finding real friends on the internet?
February 10, 2011 9:32 AM Subscribe
How would you go about finding real friends on the internet? Facebook is where I go to find out I have nothing in common with my friends. I'm looking for a few people I can really connect with, though we may never meet in person. What would your strategy be?
MetaChat.
posted by Melismata at 9:34 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Melismata at 9:34 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
http://www.meetup.com. though you would actually want to meet these people in person, since the point of the site for people in a geographic region to meet and do things together
posted by zombieApoc at 9:35 AM on February 10, 2011
posted by zombieApoc at 9:35 AM on February 10, 2011
I'm looking for a few people I can really connect with, though we may never meet in person. What would your strategy be?
I'd find a forum with a focus on a thing or things I'm really interested in, whether that's a specific hobby or a broader interest. I'd hang out, answer questions, ask questions, participate.
I found this on MetaFilter. YMMV.
posted by rtha at 9:39 AM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'd find a forum with a focus on a thing or things I'm really interested in, whether that's a specific hobby or a broader interest. I'd hang out, answer questions, ask questions, participate.
I found this on MetaFilter. YMMV.
posted by rtha at 9:39 AM on February 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
I did some serious research into online communities about ten years ago (part of a dot.com gravy train in which I was trying to accomplish at least something of value). LONG STORY SHORT: the only conclusion I really came to was that there is no successful online community that does not also have a real-life counterpart. That is, in some way, on some level, if people do not figure out a way to connect IN REAL LIFE, the community isn't going fly. This was not a scientific conclusion but it was strongly supported by anecdotal evidence.
So yeah, by all means use the internet to "connect" with people, but make that only step one. Step two has to be actually meeting them.
Good luck.
posted by philip-random at 9:42 AM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
So yeah, by all means use the internet to "connect" with people, but make that only step one. Step two has to be actually meeting them.
Good luck.
posted by philip-random at 9:42 AM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'd find a forum with a focus on a thing or things I'm really interested in, whether that's a specific hobby or a broader interest. I'd hang out, answer questions, ask questions, participate.
This. I'm part of a crafting community and I know some feminist blog commentariats are pretty tight. I think it helps forge camraderie if you're into something that might/does get you teased IRL.
Also, it will take a while. Be patient and generous.
posted by momus_window at 9:45 AM on February 10, 2011
This. I'm part of a crafting community and I know some feminist blog commentariats are pretty tight. I think it helps forge camraderie if you're into something that might/does get you teased IRL.
Also, it will take a while. Be patient and generous.
posted by momus_window at 9:45 AM on February 10, 2011
For a while I had this idea to make up email addresses that sounded neat and email them to see if anyone wrote back. I never did that, but I did end up writing a few people on OKcupid who were near perfect matches but way far away and we sent messages back and forth congratulating ourselves about how awesome we were. Ha ha.
I agree - if you don't have a hobby or something in common to keep the conversation going, it will be hard to make friends like that (unless you are a ridiculously interesting person). Don't expect the other person to keep the friendship ball rolling. You are going to have to have some kind of skill to trade or an entertaining idea to get that person to not invest their friendship energy in their real life friends.
posted by griselda at 9:53 AM on February 10, 2011
I agree - if you don't have a hobby or something in common to keep the conversation going, it will be hard to make friends like that (unless you are a ridiculously interesting person). Don't expect the other person to keep the friendship ball rolling. You are going to have to have some kind of skill to trade or an entertaining idea to get that person to not invest their friendship energy in their real life friends.
posted by griselda at 9:53 AM on February 10, 2011
Best answer: Consider, too, what you have to offer. Start a blog about your interests, and reach out - connect with other bloggers along the same interests. Begin a sort of disjointed conversation among yourselves, using their posts as inspiration for your own. Be generous in leaving comments. Be generous in general - host give-aways, and always say thank you, and be appreciative of the effort all around.
It's been my experience - and I say this as someone who has been blogging every day both personally and professionally since 2001 - that a blogger is someone who's interested in making friends. Otherwise, why bother?
Looking at the number of friends I have made online and online-then-RL-too over the years, 80% I found through blogging. Forums can be great, too, but a lot of people on forums are more interested in making drive-by quips than they are in engaging in in-depth conversation or in forging friendships.
posted by ErikaB at 10:06 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's been my experience - and I say this as someone who has been blogging every day both personally and professionally since 2001 - that a blogger is someone who's interested in making friends. Otherwise, why bother?
Looking at the number of friends I have made online and online-then-RL-too over the years, 80% I found through blogging. Forums can be great, too, but a lot of people on forums are more interested in making drive-by quips than they are in engaging in in-depth conversation or in forging friendships.
posted by ErikaB at 10:06 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Consider how you participate in online forums. A lot of people (myself included a lot of the time) just kind of look through threads to see if there's anything they can say, say it, and then wander to another thread. It's like walking into a party and announcing HEY GUYS GREAT PARTY and walking back out.
Instead, try to learn who the individual members are and what they're about. Remember things about people, follow up if they reply to you, say thanks when they help, and so on. The best part about this is you've got their written history to look at, so it's like an open-book friendship test.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:08 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Instead, try to learn who the individual members are and what they're about. Remember things about people, follow up if they reply to you, say thanks when they help, and so on. The best part about this is you've got their written history to look at, so it's like an open-book friendship test.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:08 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
My sister started a blog about things she's interested in, even though they're unrelated. She updates it. She comments on other people's blogs. They have started commenting back and I think they talk on Twitter and email and it seems to be working well for her.
posted by oreofuchi at 10:08 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by oreofuchi at 10:08 AM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm looking for a few people I can really connect with, though we may never meet in person. What would your strategy be?
Blog. Comment on other people's blogs, and try to have some cross-blog commenting synergy/reciprocity. You could have a meetup of other bloggers or your own readers, but of course this isn't necessary or the norm.
posted by John Cohen at 10:12 AM on February 10, 2011
Blog. Comment on other people's blogs, and try to have some cross-blog commenting synergy/reciprocity. You could have a meetup of other bloggers or your own readers, but of course this isn't necessary or the norm.
posted by John Cohen at 10:12 AM on February 10, 2011
Response by poster: These are good, thoughtful, knowledgeable answers, as usual from askMeFiers. In looking them over, I realize that I make friendships based not so much on shared interests as on shared ways of looking at the world. My wife and I have very different interests, but we connect on the basis of similar, for lack of a better word, psychographics. Makes the project a little trickier. One thing I'm trying is going on Amazon and looking for people who like some of the same novels I like. (ErikaB, I'm not into knitting, but your posts make me feel connected. I'm bookmarking your blog.)
posted by markcmyers at 10:21 AM on February 10, 2011
posted by markcmyers at 10:21 AM on February 10, 2011
Again, this. I'd find a forum with a focus on a thing or things I'm really interested in, whether that's a specific hobby or a broader interest. I'd hang out, answer questions, ask questions, participate.
Ok, I joined a LOST forum back in the first season and connected with a great group of people. I seriously thought that once the show ended that so would the friendships. I thought that our friendship extended only as far as our interest in the show. Many of us have met up irl. A few marriages even happened as a result of our little group! The show has ended, but we have not.
Through the process of it all we realized that yes, we met because of a common interest, but that it extended to deeper degrees than that. We found common ground beyond LOST and have maintained our friendships. We email back and forth DAILY. We share our frustrations, joys, ridiculous moments, etc. Even though our numbers aren't as impressive as they once were, we are still a tight-knit group.
So, even though it may appear that your focus on a thing or things is just a material interest, you'll find people that share your interests and philosophies in life. You just need to stick around and participate.
posted by Sassyfras at 10:43 AM on February 10, 2011
Ok, I joined a LOST forum back in the first season and connected with a great group of people. I seriously thought that once the show ended that so would the friendships. I thought that our friendship extended only as far as our interest in the show. Many of us have met up irl. A few marriages even happened as a result of our little group! The show has ended, but we have not.
Through the process of it all we realized that yes, we met because of a common interest, but that it extended to deeper degrees than that. We found common ground beyond LOST and have maintained our friendships. We email back and forth DAILY. We share our frustrations, joys, ridiculous moments, etc. Even though our numbers aren't as impressive as they once were, we are still a tight-knit group.
So, even though it may appear that your focus on a thing or things is just a material interest, you'll find people that share your interests and philosophies in life. You just need to stick around and participate.
posted by Sassyfras at 10:43 AM on February 10, 2011
I made a handful of very good friends on OK Cupid about 5-6 years ago. I'm still in contact
With most if them, although its mostly on Facebook now, but we've also talked on the phone and I've met a few IRL even though they live more than a thousand miles away. OK Cupid doesn't have to be only for dating.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:56 AM on February 10, 2011
With most if them, although its mostly on Facebook now, but we've also talked on the phone and I've met a few IRL even though they live more than a thousand miles away. OK Cupid doesn't have to be only for dating.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:56 AM on February 10, 2011
If you like to write stories, especially in some niche/genre, post some to a fan/niche site. Cool people who get excited about what you write will contact you.
posted by zeek321 at 11:26 AM on February 10, 2011
posted by zeek321 at 11:26 AM on February 10, 2011
As much as I hate to say it, I think close friendships are more prone to happen in situations that more closely mirror real life.
I've been able to meet people in video games (more so in the older days when MMO's were still new) and on Facebook (It really depends on how eclectic your interests are. I've met a really great guy just by searching for an eclectic albeit integral aspect of my life), but they've never really developed into anything parallel to real life, although with the right people I'm sure it could happen. I've only had one success through forums, though it happened so long ago I'm not too sure how it was motivated. Though I'd suspect forums are the weakest methods, I'd say these are all fairly poor ways nowadays compared to the sense of community you once had. (Eternal September)
The greatest success I've had though is on Skype and Facebook College groups. I only mention the latter because despite it being an event that can really only occur once in your life, my experiences were fantastic. I met some fantastic people on Facebook groups for "______'s Class of 2014" or what have you. These groups tend to have "Introduce Yourself" threads, and they really facilitate getting to know people further. People will typically post interesting yet important points about themselves as well as AIM information for further contact. It's not at all unexpected then for someone to contact you if they find you interesting. Oddly enough, I've had far better success with those who used AIM over Facebook. Just another point of criticism I have against the modernization of online communities.
However, Skype I think has great potential though I haven't used it all too much yet. I think the face-to-face interaction is really key there for developing close relations. I think the biggest hurdle is just "finding" people. There may be forums out there, or sections on the Skype forums... the only experience I've had was contacting people who spoke another language (for example, anyone living in Iceland can probably speak Icelandic and English) I was interested in. You'd probably have less success meeting people from say Russia you could talk with. And there's no real point of connection if you just randomly Skype with people from the United States if you're from there.
posted by SollosQ at 11:26 AM on February 10, 2011
I've been able to meet people in video games (more so in the older days when MMO's were still new) and on Facebook (It really depends on how eclectic your interests are. I've met a really great guy just by searching for an eclectic albeit integral aspect of my life), but they've never really developed into anything parallel to real life, although with the right people I'm sure it could happen. I've only had one success through forums, though it happened so long ago I'm not too sure how it was motivated. Though I'd suspect forums are the weakest methods, I'd say these are all fairly poor ways nowadays compared to the sense of community you once had. (Eternal September)
The greatest success I've had though is on Skype and Facebook College groups. I only mention the latter because despite it being an event that can really only occur once in your life, my experiences were fantastic. I met some fantastic people on Facebook groups for "______'s Class of 2014" or what have you. These groups tend to have "Introduce Yourself" threads, and they really facilitate getting to know people further. People will typically post interesting yet important points about themselves as well as AIM information for further contact. It's not at all unexpected then for someone to contact you if they find you interesting. Oddly enough, I've had far better success with those who used AIM over Facebook. Just another point of criticism I have against the modernization of online communities.
However, Skype I think has great potential though I haven't used it all too much yet. I think the face-to-face interaction is really key there for developing close relations. I think the biggest hurdle is just "finding" people. There may be forums out there, or sections on the Skype forums... the only experience I've had was contacting people who spoke another language (for example, anyone living in Iceland can probably speak Icelandic and English) I was interested in. You'd probably have less success meeting people from say Russia you could talk with. And there's no real point of connection if you just randomly Skype with people from the United States if you're from there.
posted by SollosQ at 11:26 AM on February 10, 2011
When AOL was in its heyday, I made a few good friends on their message boards for specific musical artists. We talked about all sorts of things - some boards drew regular members, so it wasn't just a bunch of random people every day - and I became closer to those people than I felt to my friends from school at the time. Same thing with a non-AOL message board for a TV show I was a big fan of. That was around 1998, and I've met several of those people (even dated a couple IRL), and am still in touch with some of them even though the AOL community disappeared years ago.
posted by wondermouse at 11:27 AM on February 10, 2011
posted by wondermouse at 11:27 AM on February 10, 2011
for lack of a better word, psychographics
I had to organize my own meetups through meetup.com for this. It's all in the carefully tailored, but right from the heart, meetup description. I'm going to try blogging my values and interests, too, soon.
posted by zeek321 at 11:28 AM on February 10, 2011
I had to organize my own meetups through meetup.com for this. It's all in the carefully tailored, but right from the heart, meetup description. I'm going to try blogging my values and interests, too, soon.
posted by zeek321 at 11:28 AM on February 10, 2011
Best answer: If you like book-related communities, try goodreads! The key is to not only try to connect with people through the forums, but also to write reviews so that people will get a feel for who you actually are. I've also had good luck by diving in to writing communities (I'm a writer), and have found people that I talk to over IMs daily by being active in forums and blogs. But, come to think of it, this was a world that opened up for me via goodreads, too. It's really a wonderful community.
Also, metafilter. Some of my favorite people who I've never met I first encountered on here.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:40 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, metafilter. Some of my favorite people who I've never met I first encountered on here.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:40 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I play a silly text based game that involves making up a character and role playing them. I have made a few friends on this game that I adore so much I actually flew across the ocean to meet two of them a few years ago. We talk on IM pretty much daily.
This is really just another way of agreeing with everyone above who says that joining a community with a shared interest is the way to go. The fact that we all already know we're dorks probably does help!
posted by rosethorn at 12:50 PM on February 10, 2011
This is really just another way of agreeing with everyone above who says that joining a community with a shared interest is the way to go. The fact that we all already know we're dorks probably does help!
posted by rosethorn at 12:50 PM on February 10, 2011
Best answer: There was a blog piece on Economist recently where the author said he/she found Twitter surprisingly good for making friends, including offline friends. That matches my experience. Having spent the intervening years on all sorts of forums and social media sites, I've made more IRL friends on Twitter than I have through any online activity since the days of the local dial-up BBSs. I should note that I also have plenty of people I'd consider friends on Twitter whom I have never, and never expect to, meet offline – it's not just about offline friends, but to me that sort of suggests that it's a particularly good way of finding people who are somewhat similar to you.
Some of my Twitter friends are people I originally encountered on forums, but I feel that I know them a lot better on Twitter. It's a completely different sort of conversation to what you have on a forum, even a particularly social forum.
Just joining Twitter and waiting for the masses to befriend you isn't likely to be terribly successful, however. What has worked for me is finding TV shows that I like or issues that I'm interested in, finding what hashtag is used to describe them, and following those discussions (following them live, if possible). Also many Twitter clients allow you to search for people nearby. And when you've found people you like, check out who they are following and who is following them for other suggestions. Most people, if you follow them and interact with them in a reasonable way will follow you back (except the famous people, who almost never do, IME – although once writer William Gibson re-tweeted me, which was pretty special :-)).
There are a group of local folk, almost all of whom only know of each other through Twitter, who get together every couple of weeks for drinks. The excuse is we're all interested in politics (search for the hashtag #ACTWonkDrinks if you want to twit-stalk us), but mostly its about having a beer and chatting about anything, really. For me, it's a nice, friendly little community in a town where I actually didn't know that many people socially, despite having lived here for five years.
All that said, my better half spends a lot of time on a forum that is specific to an interest of hers, and also now has quite a lot of IRL friends because of it. So I guess different media work for different people.
posted by damonism at 4:58 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some of my Twitter friends are people I originally encountered on forums, but I feel that I know them a lot better on Twitter. It's a completely different sort of conversation to what you have on a forum, even a particularly social forum.
Just joining Twitter and waiting for the masses to befriend you isn't likely to be terribly successful, however. What has worked for me is finding TV shows that I like or issues that I'm interested in, finding what hashtag is used to describe them, and following those discussions (following them live, if possible). Also many Twitter clients allow you to search for people nearby. And when you've found people you like, check out who they are following and who is following them for other suggestions. Most people, if you follow them and interact with them in a reasonable way will follow you back (except the famous people, who almost never do, IME – although once writer William Gibson re-tweeted me, which was pretty special :-)).
There are a group of local folk, almost all of whom only know of each other through Twitter, who get together every couple of weeks for drinks. The excuse is we're all interested in politics (search for the hashtag #ACTWonkDrinks if you want to twit-stalk us), but mostly its about having a beer and chatting about anything, really. For me, it's a nice, friendly little community in a town where I actually didn't know that many people socially, despite having lived here for five years.
All that said, my better half spends a lot of time on a forum that is specific to an interest of hers, and also now has quite a lot of IRL friends because of it. So I guess different media work for different people.
posted by damonism at 4:58 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by phunniemee at 9:33 AM on February 10, 2011 [6 favorites]