Gay for a day?
February 7, 2011 4:50 PM Subscribe
I consider myself straight, but am interested in having sex with a girl just to see what it's like. I am under the impression that lesbians are not big fans of people like me.
That's it, pretty much. I know I'm not gay; I guess I could be bi, but if I was it would be like 5%. I am mostly attracted to men and see myself marrying a man in the future. But the idea of being with a woman is interesting, and I want to check it out. I've been adventurous in plenty of other areas, so why not try this, too?
But I've heard stories about lesbians being led on by confused straight girls who wound up leaving them for men, and I don't want that to be me. I just want to have some nsa sex with someone who knows the score.
I don't want to lead anybody on, but I wouldn't want to just hook up with some random person immediately after meeting them online, either. (Not opposed to online but I'd want to get to know them a LITTLE.) Basically I have no idea how to go about this in an ethical, non-hurtful, and at least semi-private way. I also don't know how to find someone who wouldn't mind, um, educating me.
Man, I feel kind of bad for even considering this, like I'd be using the woman for my own selfish reasons. If there are women who actually get off on sleeping with straight girls I'd love to hear about it.
That's it, pretty much. I know I'm not gay; I guess I could be bi, but if I was it would be like 5%. I am mostly attracted to men and see myself marrying a man in the future. But the idea of being with a woman is interesting, and I want to check it out. I've been adventurous in plenty of other areas, so why not try this, too?
But I've heard stories about lesbians being led on by confused straight girls who wound up leaving them for men, and I don't want that to be me. I just want to have some nsa sex with someone who knows the score.
I don't want to lead anybody on, but I wouldn't want to just hook up with some random person immediately after meeting them online, either. (Not opposed to online but I'd want to get to know them a LITTLE.) Basically I have no idea how to go about this in an ethical, non-hurtful, and at least semi-private way. I also don't know how to find someone who wouldn't mind, um, educating me.
Man, I feel kind of bad for even considering this, like I'd be using the woman for my own selfish reasons. If there are women who actually get off on sleeping with straight girls I'd love to hear about it.
Easy answer: find someone in the same boat you are, or a couple-- would that "count"?
posted by supercres at 4:55 PM on February 7, 2011
posted by supercres at 4:55 PM on February 7, 2011
I truly think that the best course of action is to remove the whole gay thing from the spectrum. The motivations and desires of gays/lesbians really arent any different from straight people, when you get down to it.
Will a girl be upset if you sleep with her just to see what its like and then don't call her back? Sure, probably. Especially if she was under the impression that you were interested in her romantically. This isn't any different from how you might feel if a guy brought you home for a one night stand and then didn't call you back.
The important thing here is honesty. If you tell the girl that you're curious about what it's like to have sex with a woman, but let her know that you aren't shopping for a relationship or even a frequent partner, I think you'll be pleased with the result. I'm sure there will be a few people who will scoff at you or even get offended, but there are bound to be a few girls out there who would be interested, if not downright turned-on, by the prospect of being your first lesbian experience.
Just go out once and a while, meet some new people, make some new friends and be absolutely honest with people, including yourself, as to what exactly you are looking for. If you don't lead anyone on, or conceal your intentions, you wont hurt anyones feelings.
posted by sarastro at 5:00 PM on February 7, 2011 [6 favorites]
Will a girl be upset if you sleep with her just to see what its like and then don't call her back? Sure, probably. Especially if she was under the impression that you were interested in her romantically. This isn't any different from how you might feel if a guy brought you home for a one night stand and then didn't call you back.
The important thing here is honesty. If you tell the girl that you're curious about what it's like to have sex with a woman, but let her know that you aren't shopping for a relationship or even a frequent partner, I think you'll be pleased with the result. I'm sure there will be a few people who will scoff at you or even get offended, but there are bound to be a few girls out there who would be interested, if not downright turned-on, by the prospect of being your first lesbian experience.
Just go out once and a while, meet some new people, make some new friends and be absolutely honest with people, including yourself, as to what exactly you are looking for. If you don't lead anyone on, or conceal your intentions, you wont hurt anyones feelings.
posted by sarastro at 5:00 PM on February 7, 2011 [6 favorites]
IANAL, however, I once was like you. Curious. It's not as difficult as you might think. The advice as given above is right on. Just find someone as curious as you. Good luck. By the way, I found it to be an enjoyable experience.
posted by wv kay in ga at 5:06 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by wv kay in ga at 5:06 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just to offer an anecdote: be aware that there is probably not a more maligned, misanthropic dating/sex partner pool than bi/bicurious/gay women on the Internet.
They are bombarded by: men who find it a conquest to convert them, women who want a little gay action but have to "be discreet" (aka: I have a boyfriend/husband), women whose husbands want to watch, couples who think a hot bi babe will spice up their sex life, etc. Or, like you, women who just want to try it on for the night. All of these are ok to want, but the sheer volume of people who proposition you to be their novelty gets really, really tiring.
So in general, I guess, be aware that these women get such propositions all the time and you'll have to stand out in some way. And be aware that a lot of the women posting for casual encounters have some kind of boyfriend-baggage attached.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:24 PM on February 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
They are bombarded by: men who find it a conquest to convert them, women who want a little gay action but have to "be discreet" (aka: I have a boyfriend/husband), women whose husbands want to watch, couples who think a hot bi babe will spice up their sex life, etc. Or, like you, women who just want to try it on for the night. All of these are ok to want, but the sheer volume of people who proposition you to be their novelty gets really, really tiring.
So in general, I guess, be aware that these women get such propositions all the time and you'll have to stand out in some way. And be aware that a lot of the women posting for casual encounters have some kind of boyfriend-baggage attached.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:24 PM on February 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
There are plenty of women who are interested in casual hookups with other women. It doesn't matter if the woman you sleep with is gay or bi or curious or what, since you're just looking for a hookup. In order to avoid leading someone on, you should be forthright and clear about your desires and intentions right from the get-go.
Give Craig's List a try -- that's a popular venue for arranging hookups of all sorts.
posted by rosa at 5:36 PM on February 7, 2011
Give Craig's List a try -- that's a popular venue for arranging hookups of all sorts.
posted by rosa at 5:36 PM on February 7, 2011
Most of my female friends have slept with a girl or two; I've done it myself. My advice is not to go hunting this experience down, but to casually let it be known in your social groups that you're interested and then let it happen on its own.
Nakedmolerats is right: if you go hunting your "first bi experience!!!" aggressively or online, you're likely to attract people with... agendas, many of which are freakin' complicated. If all you want to do is lay a woman, look around for someone who, like you, has her primary romantic/sexual relationships with men but who has already slept with a woman or six. She'll show you the ropes.
Good luck, and have fun!
posted by goblinbox at 5:45 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Nakedmolerats is right: if you go hunting your "first bi experience!!!" aggressively or online, you're likely to attract people with... agendas, many of which are freakin' complicated. If all you want to do is lay a woman, look around for someone who, like you, has her primary romantic/sexual relationships with men but who has already slept with a woman or six. She'll show you the ropes.
Good luck, and have fun!
posted by goblinbox at 5:45 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
One of my lesbian friends is fascinated by straight women (in a mischievous, goofy sort of way.) To the point that when I said "I'm subletting a room in an apartment with two of the straightest women I've ever met," she said "can I meet them?" and winked.
I think your orientation/identification matters less if it's clear to everyone that you're just hooking up.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:51 PM on February 7, 2011
I think your orientation/identification matters less if it's clear to everyone that you're just hooking up.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:51 PM on February 7, 2011
Tossing another coin in the craigslist hat. The casual encounters section.
Also throwing in a please be safe admonition! Even though there's no penis and no penetration, stds can still be passed.
Good luck and have fun.
posted by vilandra at 6:15 PM on February 7, 2011
Also throwing in a please be safe admonition! Even though there's no penis and no penetration, stds can still be passed.
Good luck and have fun.
posted by vilandra at 6:15 PM on February 7, 2011
You are pretty much what many straight couples would find desirable in a threesome partner. Can you get your itch scratched that way as opposed to finding a lesbian or bi girl?
posted by slow graffiti at 6:36 PM on February 7, 2011
posted by slow graffiti at 6:36 PM on February 7, 2011
Plenty of (if not most) my friends are gay women and I have spent a fair amount of time with them clubbing or in bars. There are definitely lesbians that only go gay, but they seem to be much more against relationships with bisexuals than causal hookups with straight women. I would even say that you could have a pretty interesting experience if you go to a gay club and start flirting. You not being gay will probably be seen more as a challenge for many of the girls than anything else.
About hurting and leading on, well we are only humans and dating is hard no matter what. This is the exact same thing as meeting a guy at a bar of a dating site, see him a couple of times, but not engaging in a serious relationship. I don't think you'd dump the person of you dreams, who you would like to spend the rest of you life with, just because she is a woman. Also, I don't think you will meet that perfect one the first time you try, no matter of his/her gender.
At the end, it's all about being honest and respectful of other people, but not over-analyze what they might think. Gay women are as different in who and how they date as heterosexual men, or heterosexual women, or gay men- I've never figured out any rules for how it works. I would suggest that you tried to go to gay clubs/bars rather than online dating though, depending on where you live and what you feel comfortable with. My experience as a straight male is that the scene is quite inclusive and normally have good vibes. If not else, see if there are any parties around the Pride festival (once again, depending on where you live).
Good luck!
posted by brorfred at 6:38 PM on February 7, 2011
About hurting and leading on, well we are only humans and dating is hard no matter what. This is the exact same thing as meeting a guy at a bar of a dating site, see him a couple of times, but not engaging in a serious relationship. I don't think you'd dump the person of you dreams, who you would like to spend the rest of you life with, just because she is a woman. Also, I don't think you will meet that perfect one the first time you try, no matter of his/her gender.
At the end, it's all about being honest and respectful of other people, but not over-analyze what they might think. Gay women are as different in who and how they date as heterosexual men, or heterosexual women, or gay men- I've never figured out any rules for how it works. I would suggest that you tried to go to gay clubs/bars rather than online dating though, depending on where you live and what you feel comfortable with. My experience as a straight male is that the scene is quite inclusive and normally have good vibes. If not else, see if there are any parties around the Pride festival (once again, depending on where you live).
Good luck!
posted by brorfred at 6:38 PM on February 7, 2011
This is the exact same thing as meeting a guy at a bar of a dating site, see him a couple of times, but not engaging in a serious relationship.
I dunno, to me this is only similar if the OP lets the other person know up front that she's only looking for a one night stand. Otherwise, it's like being that person at the bar who's just looking to get laid without letting the other person know they are in no way looking for a relationship. Sure, it's always "possible" that something will come out of it, but if it were me, I'd sure like to know right off the bat if the other person really only wants a one-time experience.
As a lesbian myself I'd be pretty turned off by someone who just wanted to take me for a test drive, but as others have said upstream, no doubt there are folks who would be fine with that. Even so, I'm sure they'd appreciate knowing where you stand before they made any decisions of their own.
I'd vote for trying Craigslist casual encounters rather than lesbian bars (there's probably a reason they're not called "bi-curious bars"). Be honest in what you're looking for, perhaps contact some of the other bi-curious folks who have posted, and with luck you'll find the type of experience you're looking for without leading anybody on.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:13 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
I dunno, to me this is only similar if the OP lets the other person know up front that she's only looking for a one night stand. Otherwise, it's like being that person at the bar who's just looking to get laid without letting the other person know they are in no way looking for a relationship. Sure, it's always "possible" that something will come out of it, but if it were me, I'd sure like to know right off the bat if the other person really only wants a one-time experience.
As a lesbian myself I'd be pretty turned off by someone who just wanted to take me for a test drive, but as others have said upstream, no doubt there are folks who would be fine with that. Even so, I'm sure they'd appreciate knowing where you stand before they made any decisions of their own.
I'd vote for trying Craigslist casual encounters rather than lesbian bars (there's probably a reason they're not called "bi-curious bars"). Be honest in what you're looking for, perhaps contact some of the other bi-curious folks who have posted, and with luck you'll find the type of experience you're looking for without leading anybody on.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:13 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Man, I feel kind of bad for even considering this, like I'd be using the woman for my own selfish reasons.
If you are upfront and direct, you're off the hook, ethically speaking. If you are hiding something or flat out lying to entice a sex partner, then that would be bad. That also goes for false implications (on your part) and false inferences (on her part), both of which you're responsible for.
In other words, just be open and clear and direct about what you want. Leave the head games at home.
posted by zardoz at 7:59 PM on February 7, 2011
If you are upfront and direct, you're off the hook, ethically speaking. If you are hiding something or flat out lying to entice a sex partner, then that would be bad. That also goes for false implications (on your part) and false inferences (on her part), both of which you're responsible for.
In other words, just be open and clear and direct about what you want. Leave the head games at home.
posted by zardoz at 7:59 PM on February 7, 2011
When I was younger, I prided myself on the number of attractive straight girls I'd slept with. Ah, to be young and arrogant again...
That said, be honest. And be understanding if someone gets a little ticked off at you. But believe me, there are girls that think introducing a straight girl to lesbian sex sounds like the best possible way to spend a Saturday night.
posted by honeydew at 8:34 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
That said, be honest. And be understanding if someone gets a little ticked off at you. But believe me, there are girls that think introducing a straight girl to lesbian sex sounds like the best possible way to spend a Saturday night.
posted by honeydew at 8:34 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
And since you asked...
The appeal is that there's a girl who's only had heterosexual sex before, and you have a chance to make her forget that cock even exists. The pressure is ON, and some people thrive under pressure.
Also, straight girls just get so surprised sometimes. That's also pretty glee-inducing. The best of all, of course, is checking her out a month later on Facebook and seeing that she's now interested in men and women. It doesn't always happen, but it doesn't need to.
I am now obligated to note that my girlfriend is better than straight girls. I've already done my time spreading the Good News.
posted by honeydew at 8:52 PM on February 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
The appeal is that there's a girl who's only had heterosexual sex before, and you have a chance to make her forget that cock even exists. The pressure is ON, and some people thrive under pressure.
Also, straight girls just get so surprised sometimes. That's also pretty glee-inducing. The best of all, of course, is checking her out a month later on Facebook and seeing that she's now interested in men and women. It doesn't always happen, but it doesn't need to.
I am now obligated to note that my girlfriend is better than straight girls. I've already done my time spreading the Good News.
posted by honeydew at 8:52 PM on February 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
Yes, definitely do an ad; don't waste someone's time in a bar, because they may well be looking for more than a one-night stand with someone who's just curious. If you do an ad, you get that out of the way up front.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:12 PM on February 7, 2011
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:12 PM on February 7, 2011
As usual, Sidhedevil has exactly the right solution, and nakedmolerats is correct too. A few other thoughts:
If you're going to try online dating to find a hookup, you'll have more luck on the adult-encounters side of things than using a lesbian-only site (which will likely be populated with the kind of women you're worried about leading on). Swingers-type clubs will likely attract couples who are looking for an extra woman. Also, since you're anon, I've no idea where you are, but if you're in a city where erotic massage (as in the specifically-advertised-naked-rub-down kind - for the love of all that is good and holy, never confuse these with "regular" masseuses) is legal/available, lots and lots of women use those services. It's not sex, but it's nakedy fun-time and definitely NSA.
posted by jaynewould at 10:04 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're going to try online dating to find a hookup, you'll have more luck on the adult-encounters side of things than using a lesbian-only site (which will likely be populated with the kind of women you're worried about leading on). Swingers-type clubs will likely attract couples who are looking for an extra woman. Also, since you're anon, I've no idea where you are, but if you're in a city where erotic massage (as in the specifically-advertised-naked-rub-down kind - for the love of all that is good and holy, never confuse these with "regular" masseuses) is legal/available, lots and lots of women use those services. It's not sex, but it's nakedy fun-time and definitely NSA.
posted by jaynewould at 10:04 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have never understood why flying-curious student pilots, don't just all fly planes with each other, instead of experienced pilot-instructors. It's not like there's a lack of wannabe pilots.
You know, I actually did take flight lessons when I was younger, but a) my flight instructor was paid well for imparting their knowledge and skills to me, and b) never did I let my flight instructor believe/hope that we were building towards a bigger relationship. Beyond that, of course, I didn't start up my lessons with the expectation that my instructor would take me up into the the sky just once, and that then I'd be satisfied and would want nothing more to do with them.
An alternative counter-argument to the statement "I don't understand why mostly straight, curious women don't just all have sex with each other" might involve wondering why non-virgins don't feel obligated to sleep with virgins in order to "show them the ropes." Sure, it can be nice or charitable when it happens; sure, there are undoubtedly people who like that sort of dynamic; sure, the virgin probably has a more exciting experience than if she/he did it with a fellow virgin ... but maybe the non-virgin is more interested in being with someone who actully wants to be with them and isn't just thinking of them as some sort of exotic sexual safari.
To the OP, I would repeat that your best bet is to be up-front about what you want, and to expect (and be okay with the possibility that) many if not most of your respondants will be similarly bi-curious rather than "real" lesbians. In light of what you seem to want, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. Sex with ANY new person, male or female, is likely to be a bit awkward and fumbly, so why not do it with someone else who's also new to the game of "being with chicks" so you can discover just what you like and don't like together?
posted by DingoMutt at 10:06 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
You know, I actually did take flight lessons when I was younger, but a) my flight instructor was paid well for imparting their knowledge and skills to me, and b) never did I let my flight instructor believe/hope that we were building towards a bigger relationship. Beyond that, of course, I didn't start up my lessons with the expectation that my instructor would take me up into the the sky just once, and that then I'd be satisfied and would want nothing more to do with them.
An alternative counter-argument to the statement "I don't understand why mostly straight, curious women don't just all have sex with each other" might involve wondering why non-virgins don't feel obligated to sleep with virgins in order to "show them the ropes." Sure, it can be nice or charitable when it happens; sure, there are undoubtedly people who like that sort of dynamic; sure, the virgin probably has a more exciting experience than if she/he did it with a fellow virgin ... but maybe the non-virgin is more interested in being with someone who actully wants to be with them and isn't just thinking of them as some sort of exotic sexual safari.
To the OP, I would repeat that your best bet is to be up-front about what you want, and to expect (and be okay with the possibility that) many if not most of your respondants will be similarly bi-curious rather than "real" lesbians. In light of what you seem to want, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. Sex with ANY new person, male or female, is likely to be a bit awkward and fumbly, so why not do it with someone else who's also new to the game of "being with chicks" so you can discover just what you like and don't like together?
posted by DingoMutt at 10:06 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have seen ads for this sort of thing on Craigslist. You could definitely go that way.
I have not personally seen this on OKCupid, but I see lots of straight-seeming women listed as bi - to the extent that I have not contacted them because from their profile I figured they wouldn't really be interested in me*. I'm sure you could list yourself as bi temporarily and put a notice in your profile about what you're looking for.
Another idea would be to seek out a woman yourself and explain straightaway what the situation is. You might have more success with bi women.
As a woman who likes women and is sometimes up for a casual fling, I wouldn't be "offended" by your existence. The problem is when women like that lead other women on (i.e. present it as a potential relationship or otherwise something that it's not), or when they use it as bait to impress men. Or when what they really mean is that their boyfriend wants them to have a threesome, but they whoops kinda sorta forgot to mention that upfront in the very first message. Just be clear on what you're looking for and you will probably get what you want without ruffling any feathers.
*This is potentially stupid because I'm definitely bisexual for realsies and yet probably look straight to female OKCupid users. I'm an ass, basically.
posted by Sara C. at 10:35 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have not personally seen this on OKCupid, but I see lots of straight-seeming women listed as bi - to the extent that I have not contacted them because from their profile I figured they wouldn't really be interested in me*. I'm sure you could list yourself as bi temporarily and put a notice in your profile about what you're looking for.
Another idea would be to seek out a woman yourself and explain straightaway what the situation is. You might have more success with bi women.
As a woman who likes women and is sometimes up for a casual fling, I wouldn't be "offended" by your existence. The problem is when women like that lead other women on (i.e. present it as a potential relationship or otherwise something that it's not), or when they use it as bait to impress men. Or when what they really mean is that their boyfriend wants them to have a threesome, but they whoops kinda sorta forgot to mention that upfront in the very first message. Just be clear on what you're looking for and you will probably get what you want without ruffling any feathers.
*This is potentially stupid because I'm definitely bisexual for realsies and yet probably look straight to female OKCupid users. I'm an ass, basically.
posted by Sara C. at 10:35 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have seen several people imply that the problem with misleading a queer woman (and not all of us are lesbians, by the way) into believing that you are yourself queer-identified before sex is because that woman may be expecting more than a one-night stand. This implies that, in the context of a one-night stand, the issue disappears, and this is mistaken.
It is icky to be someone else's experiment, if you don't realize that's what's going on. Being sexually excited -- with the attendant muddling of thought processes and emotional vulnerability -- while ones sex partner is going "hm, isn't this interesting!" can be downright humiliating.
Queer girls are still people, with sexual insecurities. There's nothing quite like getting laid -- maybe finally getting laid, after a long dry spell when it seemed like no one would ever want to fuck you again -- and discovering that your partner is, mm, just not that into it, thanks.
I don't mean to imply that every girl who likes girls is a fragile flower, it's just, Christ, I sometimes think that all the sex I had in college was with straight girls, gay boys, and people who thought they'd give fat chicks a whirl for a change, and each of those experiences was a little punch in the self esteem. I'm doing much better now, thank you.
So. Bitter Rant Over. I'm just saying, that the issue isn't just "relationship" vs. "one-night stand". The issue is sex vs. interesting experience. Make sure your "experience" partner is into what you have to offer.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you want, by the way, and I hope you find a lovely person to give it to you.
posted by endless_forms at 5:43 AM on February 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
It is icky to be someone else's experiment, if you don't realize that's what's going on. Being sexually excited -- with the attendant muddling of thought processes and emotional vulnerability -- while ones sex partner is going "hm, isn't this interesting!" can be downright humiliating.
Queer girls are still people, with sexual insecurities. There's nothing quite like getting laid -- maybe finally getting laid, after a long dry spell when it seemed like no one would ever want to fuck you again -- and discovering that your partner is, mm, just not that into it, thanks.
I don't mean to imply that every girl who likes girls is a fragile flower, it's just, Christ, I sometimes think that all the sex I had in college was with straight girls, gay boys, and people who thought they'd give fat chicks a whirl for a change, and each of those experiences was a little punch in the self esteem. I'm doing much better now, thank you.
So. Bitter Rant Over. I'm just saying, that the issue isn't just "relationship" vs. "one-night stand". The issue is sex vs. interesting experience. Make sure your "experience" partner is into what you have to offer.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you want, by the way, and I hope you find a lovely person to give it to you.
posted by endless_forms at 5:43 AM on February 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:54 PM on February 7, 2011 [13 favorites]