I'm feeling slightly humiliated that I don't know how to do this
January 17, 2011 7:59 AM Subscribe
A guy I've been sleeping with mentioned once that he likes to be humiliated in bed, but I haven't been able to determine exactly how to go about doing that. (Yes, I've asked him, but he's been reluctant to discuss it.)
He doesn't like being cuckolded, I don't think he likes me to be rough with him... I'm just not sure what to do. I know that ideally communication would be the right move here, but at this point, I'd rather try a few things -- the less extreme the better, to start with -- and see how he reacts.
This is new territory for me, so any concrete suggestions would be appreciated!
He doesn't like being cuckolded, I don't think he likes me to be rough with him... I'm just not sure what to do. I know that ideally communication would be the right move here, but at this point, I'd rather try a few things -- the less extreme the better, to start with -- and see how he reacts.
This is new territory for me, so any concrete suggestions would be appreciated!
Ack..sorry..missed the fact that you asked him. Ask him again. If he's reluctant, ask why he's being such a scared little bitch who doesn't have the balls to to tell you exactly what he wants.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:14 AM on January 17, 2011 [47 favorites]
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:14 AM on January 17, 2011 [47 favorites]
ask why he's being such a scared little bitch who doesn't have the balls to to tell you exactly what he wants.
Yeah, and if you ask him that, his reaction will give you at least SOME baseline knowledge of what he wants/where to start :)
posted by Betty's Table at 8:32 AM on January 17, 2011
Yeah, and if you ask him that, his reaction will give you at least SOME baseline knowledge of what he wants/where to start :)
posted by Betty's Table at 8:32 AM on January 17, 2011
There's a MeFi group on fetlife, where there are also multiple groups for and discussions of exactly what you are asking about. Don't take anything you read there without a large pile of salt, but there are some fantastic resources to be found there for these kinds of questions.
posted by Forktine at 9:06 AM on January 17, 2011
posted by Forktine at 9:06 AM on January 17, 2011
People who neglect to discuss their kinks don't get them met.
posted by By The Grace of God at 9:28 AM on January 17, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by By The Grace of God at 9:28 AM on January 17, 2011 [14 favorites]
Oh, man, I'm so bad at this as well. I totally dated a submissive dude who was reluctant to just come out and tell me what he wanted and I usually bottom with other other guys so I was totally flying blind and it was really, really difficult. You're not alone! It's really tough when the don't give you a lot to go on!
Here's some stuff I did, I have no idea if your dude is as submissive as the dude I was dating or has the same kinks, so, YMMV and all that.
-lots of talk about how he's not worth having sex with, I don't know why I bother with his tiny little cock
-touching myself in front of him, making him watch, saying "I can't believe you even think that I'd even let YOU touch me."
-denial of pleasure for him; it's kind of weird to date someone who gets off on their dick NOT being touched but I'd make him crawl through all sorts of hoops before I even let him touch myself, he had to ask me for permission via IM to masturbate, etc
-A lot of the stereotypical black-vinyl-clad domme talk seems really stupid coming out of my tiny squeaky little mouth, I would feel like an idiot calling someone a worm, but the words weak, worthless, and pathetic did get used a lot.
-making fun of fun of him for getting an erection
-completely ignoring him, like, reading a look while he licked every inch of my feet
-if anyone who has met me in real life is reading this, I'm sorry for the mental images, but you're not really terribly surprised, are you?
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:52 AM on January 17, 2011 [19 favorites]
Here's some stuff I did, I have no idea if your dude is as submissive as the dude I was dating or has the same kinks, so, YMMV and all that.
-lots of talk about how he's not worth having sex with, I don't know why I bother with his tiny little cock
-touching myself in front of him, making him watch, saying "I can't believe you even think that I'd even let YOU touch me."
-denial of pleasure for him; it's kind of weird to date someone who gets off on their dick NOT being touched but I'd make him crawl through all sorts of hoops before I even let him touch myself, he had to ask me for permission via IM to masturbate, etc
-A lot of the stereotypical black-vinyl-clad domme talk seems really stupid coming out of my tiny squeaky little mouth, I would feel like an idiot calling someone a worm, but the words weak, worthless, and pathetic did get used a lot.
-making fun of fun of him for getting an erection
-completely ignoring him, like, reading a look while he licked every inch of my feet
-if anyone who has met me in real life is reading this, I'm sorry for the mental images, but you're not really terribly surprised, are you?
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:52 AM on January 17, 2011 [19 favorites]
I've not done this kind of thing with guys, but I don't some people who have. You might try going for that sort of "you're 14 and have an utterly inappropriate boner" kind of humiliation - I think it's sort of the guy equivalent of "you're a slutty girl," which is popular for a lot of women. Stroke him until he responds and then tell him he's a dirty boy for getting aroused; try telling him "oh, I bet you really want to end up doing $THING1 and $THING2 with me, don't you, nasty boy?" And then tell him to convince you. Optionally, keep stimulating him so he's really distracted.
posted by rmd1023 at 2:04 PM on January 17, 2011
posted by rmd1023 at 2:04 PM on January 17, 2011
You might get more responses if you had posted a throwaway email address, you can ask a mod to add one here.
posted by Brian Puccio at 5:11 PM on January 17, 2011
posted by Brian Puccio at 5:11 PM on January 17, 2011
Yeah, you gotta ask for specifics. Humiliation play runs a wide gamut. There's nothing more awkward than disparaging a guy's "tiny" cock when he's really, really not into that.
posted by desjardins at 4:27 PM on January 19, 2011
posted by desjardins at 4:27 PM on January 19, 2011
It can be really embarrassing and vulnerability inducing for people to ask explicitly to be humiliated in the ways they want to be humiliated. You can use this to your advantage when you get a little more skilled at humiliating him, teasing out the particulars of what he wants.
Also, you could ask him to read through some erotica of humiliating scenes and send you his favourites...loads of material there.
Finally, slap him in the face.
posted by whalebreath at 8:07 PM on January 19, 2011
Also, you could ask him to read through some erotica of humiliating scenes and send you his favourites...loads of material there.
Finally, slap him in the face.
posted by whalebreath at 8:07 PM on January 19, 2011
> Yeah, you gotta ask for specifics. Humiliation play runs a wide gamut. There's nothing more awkward than disparaging a guy's "tiny" cock when he's really, really not into that
In that vein, maybe he'd be more forthcoming if you asked him what's off the table/he definitely DOESN'T want? Still not the whole picture, but then you'd be avoiding major landmines (cuckholding and the "tiny dick" thing are both topics I imagine you wouldn't want to be mistaken about, no?). You know. Just straightforward, like "I certainly don't want to venture into territory that, if I'm mistaken, would really possibly repulse or offend you...like cuckholding etc. It's fine if you DO want that, but what are your hard limits?" If he can't even tell you that stuff you guys are going to need time to figure out how to communicate comfortably, because while I get part of a good kinky relationship is feeling each other out and being sensitive to subtle cues, there has to be SOME level of trust you're not going to go the total wrong way.
posted by ifjuly at 12:31 PM on January 20, 2011
In that vein, maybe he'd be more forthcoming if you asked him what's off the table/he definitely DOESN'T want? Still not the whole picture, but then you'd be avoiding major landmines (cuckholding and the "tiny dick" thing are both topics I imagine you wouldn't want to be mistaken about, no?). You know. Just straightforward, like "I certainly don't want to venture into territory that, if I'm mistaken, would really possibly repulse or offend you...like cuckholding etc. It's fine if you DO want that, but what are your hard limits?" If he can't even tell you that stuff you guys are going to need time to figure out how to communicate comfortably, because while I get part of a good kinky relationship is feeling each other out and being sensitive to subtle cues, there has to be SOME level of trust you're not going to go the total wrong way.
posted by ifjuly at 12:31 PM on January 20, 2011
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No. Just ask him what he means. It will save a LOT of frustration. Humiliation play covers pretty broad territory; you really want to be sure before you start.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:12 AM on January 17, 2011