How can I keep my cool with an angry co-worker?
January 13, 2011 7:41 PM Subscribe
How can I keep my cool during a confrontation with a co-worker who is angry?
I have a co-worker who has been very chilly toward me for a week or so, and it got to the point where I casually asked her today if she was mad at me about something, and she said yes and then just walked away. I have left her a note indicating that I would like to talk about this and find out what is going on and what I can do to make this right, so hopefully tomorrow, she and I will be able to sit down for a few minutes.
I hate confrontation and am very sensitive. In fact, I waited a long time (relatively) to even ask her about this because I was sure I was probably being over-sensitive and reading too much into her behaviour. I have no problems genuinely listening to constructive comments and taking them to heart in terms of improving my behaviour, but if this will NOT be constructive---if she's going to be mean or yelling---then I'll find it very hard to keep my composure. Obviously, I do not want to cry in front of my co-worker!
Fwiw I discreetly asked the boss if she had heard any complaints and she she hadn't, that she would have, given this other co-worker's position, if it was anything serious, and that this co-worker is prone to these sorts of dramatics and the whole thing sounds ridiculous, so that was a bit of a reassurance to me. But in my head, I keep running the script of 'OMG she HATES me!' and I'm worried I'll totally be traumatized by whatever she says :)
So...I need to hash this out with her, keep my cool and not cry or something. Any tips?
I have a co-worker who has been very chilly toward me for a week or so, and it got to the point where I casually asked her today if she was mad at me about something, and she said yes and then just walked away. I have left her a note indicating that I would like to talk about this and find out what is going on and what I can do to make this right, so hopefully tomorrow, she and I will be able to sit down for a few minutes.
I hate confrontation and am very sensitive. In fact, I waited a long time (relatively) to even ask her about this because I was sure I was probably being over-sensitive and reading too much into her behaviour. I have no problems genuinely listening to constructive comments and taking them to heart in terms of improving my behaviour, but if this will NOT be constructive---if she's going to be mean or yelling---then I'll find it very hard to keep my composure. Obviously, I do not want to cry in front of my co-worker!
Fwiw I discreetly asked the boss if she had heard any complaints and she she hadn't, that she would have, given this other co-worker's position, if it was anything serious, and that this co-worker is prone to these sorts of dramatics and the whole thing sounds ridiculous, so that was a bit of a reassurance to me. But in my head, I keep running the script of 'OMG she HATES me!' and I'm worried I'll totally be traumatized by whatever she says :)
So...I need to hash this out with her, keep my cool and not cry or something. Any tips?
Don't take it personally.
Sorry about the wonky news site with all the ads. It's a two page article, but the part I wanted to point up to you is in the lead. Here's the crux if you don't feel like reading it:
"Other people's opinions of us only have merit if we believe them," he says. "If you spread love and happiness, there is no reason for someone to be hateful or angry with you," he says."If they choose to be negative, it is their choice. It is not because you are doing anything wrong."
Therefore, we should not take it personally.
"What others say is a projection of their reality, not yours," he says.
Best of luck. I feel you on being non-confrontational.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 7:55 PM on January 13, 2011 [6 favorites]
Sorry about the wonky news site with all the ads. It's a two page article, but the part I wanted to point up to you is in the lead. Here's the crux if you don't feel like reading it:
"Other people's opinions of us only have merit if we believe them," he says. "If you spread love and happiness, there is no reason for someone to be hateful or angry with you," he says."If they choose to be negative, it is their choice. It is not because you are doing anything wrong."
Therefore, we should not take it personally.
"What others say is a projection of their reality, not yours," he says.
Best of luck. I feel you on being non-confrontational.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 7:55 PM on January 13, 2011 [6 favorites]
Best answer: The thing will be to separate your position from her position. She's mad. That's her right, to feel however she wants. People feel all kinds of ways for various reasons. Maybe you touched her favorite post-it notes. Maybe you breathed wrong. Maybe you wore clothes in a color she hates. Now, imagine the most ridiculous reason you can think of. You showed up in her dreams and did something mean in them. And she's REALLY REALLY MAD ABOUT IT. Does that still upset you? For me, I'd feel more peaceful and be able to just be there for her, like, "Well, wow. I'm sorry that was so upsetting to you. But unfortunately, I can't control what you dream. Is there any way I can help?" See if you can imagine scenarios where people are angry at you but you're not sucked into it by your own emotions and think about how you'd feel and react. Then, see if you can gradually make your scenarios more and more realistic while maintaining that feeling of peacefulness and problem solving.
posted by salvia at 8:01 PM on January 13, 2011 [18 favorites]
posted by salvia at 8:01 PM on January 13, 2011 [18 favorites]
Alternatively, if it's just the physical expression of anger (e.g., shouting, pointing, getting in your face) that you find upsetting, then I'd practice saying things like, "you're shouting, and I won't be able to discuss this if you continue shouting" and "I can't really have a discussion with you while you're shouting" and "I actually need for you to back up about two steps."
posted by salvia at 8:03 PM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 8:03 PM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's hard to argue with angry or unreasonable people, and it sounds like your coworker is both. So maybe just plan not to argue. Don't make it a discussion.
Before she starts, tell her that you just want to take this time to hear what she has to say, and because you want to make sure to respond as best you can to something that's obviously made her pretty upset, you're going to think for a day before responding.
When you've heard what she has to say, tell her thanks for the talk, and you'll think about it and find her again later to give a response.
I think this is fun and effective because it doesn't give her the satisfaction of an argument, and might actually make her feel silly or petty while she's waiting for you. (When you respond, make sure not to apologize for anything that's not your fault.)
posted by pluot at 8:03 PM on January 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Before she starts, tell her that you just want to take this time to hear what she has to say, and because you want to make sure to respond as best you can to something that's obviously made her pretty upset, you're going to think for a day before responding.
When you've heard what she has to say, tell her thanks for the talk, and you'll think about it and find her again later to give a response.
I think this is fun and effective because it doesn't give her the satisfaction of an argument, and might actually make her feel silly or petty while she's waiting for you. (When you respond, make sure not to apologize for anything that's not your fault.)
posted by pluot at 8:03 PM on January 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
As the others have said, if she doesn't want to have this meeting with you, don't push it. Just shrug and tell yourself that it clearly isn't important enough to her to want to work it out, so it's her problem, not yours.
However, if she does want to work on this problem between you:
Approach it like a business meeting. She's not a co-worker who hates you; she's a client with a complaint. Take notes.
Don't refute her issues, no matter how insane or wrong they are. You're not going to "win" this discussion -- at best, you're going to convince her that you're going to work on the stuff that she hates about you. For instance, if she complains that you always leave early and you can objectively show her that you always clock out half an hour after she does, don't do it. Instead, start showing her that you're not doing it anymore after the meeting. If she stays later than you do, then make sure she sees you leaving at 5:30. If she doesn't, then email her right before you leave so she sees it in her inbox the next morning.
posted by Etrigan at 8:03 PM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, if she does want to work on this problem between you:
Approach it like a business meeting. She's not a co-worker who hates you; she's a client with a complaint. Take notes.
Don't refute her issues, no matter how insane or wrong they are. You're not going to "win" this discussion -- at best, you're going to convince her that you're going to work on the stuff that she hates about you. For instance, if she complains that you always leave early and you can objectively show her that you always clock out half an hour after she does, don't do it. Instead, start showing her that you're not doing it anymore after the meeting. If she stays later than you do, then make sure she sees you leaving at 5:30. If she doesn't, then email her right before you leave so she sees it in her inbox the next morning.
posted by Etrigan at 8:03 PM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
The boss has already told you teh co-worker is a drama queen. That was permission for you to not worry about it. So...
"You got a problem? Here in the grownup world, we work our problems out, not act like fuckin' two-year-olds."
posted by notsnot at 8:04 PM on January 13, 2011
"You got a problem? Here in the grownup world, we work our problems out, not act like fuckin' two-year-olds."
posted by notsnot at 8:04 PM on January 13, 2011
try not to involve your boss in petty office disagreements
Just disagreeing here that my workplace has a well-written harassment policy where, if the co-worker's behaviour had been brought to the manager's attention (except here managers are supposed to be actively looking for this and not relying on victims to come forward), she would have had to take action. I would want to know about her behaviour myself if I was her manager because if it is a pattern it can create a hostile workplace. (I work somewhere with pretty strong workers rights though so YMMV).
My go-to phrase when a difficult conversation has gone off the rails from "this is a problem we can solve jointly" to "now I am going to vent about you non-stop" is to say "nothing productive will come of this conversation right now" and leave. I would also have this conversation quietly but not privately, if she starts to behave inappropriately (yelling at you or following you after you have left her) you will need witnesses to her bullying so you can bring it up with your manager.
Personally, I would use the boss as mediator to keep it civil or create a paper trail if she can't control herself. THis sounds awfully stressful for you, as her bullying has obviously shaken you. Good luck.
posted by saucysault at 8:08 PM on January 13, 2011
Just disagreeing here that my workplace has a well-written harassment policy where, if the co-worker's behaviour had been brought to the manager's attention (except here managers are supposed to be actively looking for this and not relying on victims to come forward), she would have had to take action. I would want to know about her behaviour myself if I was her manager because if it is a pattern it can create a hostile workplace. (I work somewhere with pretty strong workers rights though so YMMV).
My go-to phrase when a difficult conversation has gone off the rails from "this is a problem we can solve jointly" to "now I am going to vent about you non-stop" is to say "nothing productive will come of this conversation right now" and leave. I would also have this conversation quietly but not privately, if she starts to behave inappropriately (yelling at you or following you after you have left her) you will need witnesses to her bullying so you can bring it up with your manager.
Personally, I would use the boss as mediator to keep it civil or create a paper trail if she can't control herself. THis sounds awfully stressful for you, as her bullying has obviously shaken you. Good luck.
posted by saucysault at 8:08 PM on January 13, 2011
Best answer: I think your boss's comments should be taken as HUGELY reassuring. The boss sounds very understanding and supportive of you. If this person is known to be dramatic, you can feel free not to volunteer for a part in her drama. It sounds like you need some help to feel more confident.
Since you've already arranged to meet with her, go ahead and listen for whatever work-related thing she might have to say but promise yourself before the meeting that you are not going to respond no matter what she says. After she has spoken, say, "Thank you for telling me your view; I will give this some thought. Then smile and walk away. Write down that sentence (in your own words, of course, but don't change the meaning) and memorize it.
A technique for disarming critics in a one on one meeting is taking notes. A couple of my most difficult colleagues responded really well to this. I made sure they knew I was trying really hard to get their feelings and ideas straight from them. They needed to feel someone was taking them seriously and this demonstrated I was listening and considered them important.
Sometimes one approach and sometimes the other. If you know she's a pouter (or mean girl), take her view under advisement. If she's a complainer, maybe she needs to feel heard, so take notes.
In each case promise to get back to them. This helps protect you from your own huge desire to please people. It protects you from rushing to fix the wrong problem, from promising what you might not be able to carry out, from being defensive or tearful. Just be determined to show careful listening and say you'll get back to them.
A third option (for when you're feeling that you are just about as important as other people are) might be to go and apologize for knowing you promised to get with her but are so sorry you simply don't have time today; then do it a couple more times. This is a little bit mean, but after a few postponements I imagine she will forget what she's mad about and get mad at your incomprehensible obsessing about finding time to meet with her. It's what I did once or twice when I wanted to emphasize "What you are so dramatic about is not very important to me" but I am not ignoring you.
posted by Anitanola at 8:49 PM on January 13, 2011 [7 favorites]
Since you've already arranged to meet with her, go ahead and listen for whatever work-related thing she might have to say but promise yourself before the meeting that you are not going to respond no matter what she says. After she has spoken, say, "Thank you for telling me your view; I will give this some thought. Then smile and walk away. Write down that sentence (in your own words, of course, but don't change the meaning) and memorize it.
A technique for disarming critics in a one on one meeting is taking notes. A couple of my most difficult colleagues responded really well to this. I made sure they knew I was trying really hard to get their feelings and ideas straight from them. They needed to feel someone was taking them seriously and this demonstrated I was listening and considered them important.
Sometimes one approach and sometimes the other. If you know she's a pouter (or mean girl), take her view under advisement. If she's a complainer, maybe she needs to feel heard, so take notes.
In each case promise to get back to them. This helps protect you from your own huge desire to please people. It protects you from rushing to fix the wrong problem, from promising what you might not be able to carry out, from being defensive or tearful. Just be determined to show careful listening and say you'll get back to them.
A third option (for when you're feeling that you are just about as important as other people are) might be to go and apologize for knowing you promised to get with her but are so sorry you simply don't have time today; then do it a couple more times. This is a little bit mean, but after a few postponements I imagine she will forget what she's mad about and get mad at your incomprehensible obsessing about finding time to meet with her. It's what I did once or twice when I wanted to emphasize "What you are so dramatic about is not very important to me" but I am not ignoring you.
posted by Anitanola at 8:49 PM on January 13, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Although your boss has basically let you know your co-worker is prone to dramatics, you seem to be really taking this to heart and feeling you must have done something wrong. Is it possible you didn't do anything wrong at all? I remember your other question about a (different?) co-worker, and it seemed like you were quite worried about the other person disliking you, when really she just sounded like a mean, insecure person. From your descriptions, it sounds like you are very aware of others' feelings and try very hard not to offend anyone. This is what makes me wonder if your co-worker is taking advantage of your kind, people-pleasing nature to bully you a bit.
If your co-worker agrees to meet with you, then I suggest you take salvia's advice on how to prepare for it, and pluot and Anitanola's advice to tell her you will listen to what she has to say and then think about it for a day before you respond.
Finally, be prepared for her to play hard to get regarding meeting with you. It sounds like she is a bit passive-aggressive (giving you the cold shoulder, giving you a one-word answer and then walking away from you when you attempted to reach out to her), so she might enjoy holding this over your head for a while. Please don't get sucked into a vortex where you are chasing her down and pleading to meet with her to smooth things over. If it's a real issue, and she is genuinely interested in resolving it, she'll meet with you, be open and honest about what is wrong, and give you an opportunity to work things out with her. Otherwise, it's just drama, and you don't need to take that on.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:12 PM on January 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
If your co-worker agrees to meet with you, then I suggest you take salvia's advice on how to prepare for it, and pluot and Anitanola's advice to tell her you will listen to what she has to say and then think about it for a day before you respond.
Finally, be prepared for her to play hard to get regarding meeting with you. It sounds like she is a bit passive-aggressive (giving you the cold shoulder, giving you a one-word answer and then walking away from you when you attempted to reach out to her), so she might enjoy holding this over your head for a while. Please don't get sucked into a vortex where you are chasing her down and pleading to meet with her to smooth things over. If it's a real issue, and she is genuinely interested in resolving it, she'll meet with you, be open and honest about what is wrong, and give you an opportunity to work things out with her. Otherwise, it's just drama, and you don't need to take that on.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:12 PM on January 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, for your reassurances. My gut tells me this is something on the level of 'you came into my area with wet boots on' or something of this calibre. I have been wracking my brains trying to think of what else I might have done, and I am coming up empty. Whenever she asks me for a schedule change, I do it. Whenever a co-worker needs assistance, I offer it. I have never complained or made an issue out of any of this sort of thing, and there are others in the office who do make issues about these. I really do feel like I am an easy co-worker to get along with, and I don't have much to do with this person beyond working in her area twice a week for half an hour---and when I am there, my work is completely independent of hers and I do not need her approval nor her input into what I'm doing. If there was an issue in THAT area, the boss would surely have heard about it because it would be more of a client complaint and she always hears those!
If she refuses to tell me what the problem is, I probably *will* dwell on it, and I guess that is just a life skill I need to work on, to be able to let that go and realize that she might have an issue going on that is about her in that area and not about me. I hope that doesn't happen, because it would probably take me a couple of angsty days to work that through, but you guys have some good suggestions. I think I just feel that because of some drama I have seen other people get into in my life (one side of my family is VERY prone to this!) I have over-compensated by really coming to value being the person who never makes drama for anyone and agrees to all the schedule changes and helps with all the extra projects and is just not playing into all that. So I have a very strong response to feeling sucked in! But that's not *her* problem, that's my problem, and maybe this will be some practice in dealing with that.
posted by JoannaC at 9:59 PM on January 13, 2011
If she refuses to tell me what the problem is, I probably *will* dwell on it, and I guess that is just a life skill I need to work on, to be able to let that go and realize that she might have an issue going on that is about her in that area and not about me. I hope that doesn't happen, because it would probably take me a couple of angsty days to work that through, but you guys have some good suggestions. I think I just feel that because of some drama I have seen other people get into in my life (one side of my family is VERY prone to this!) I have over-compensated by really coming to value being the person who never makes drama for anyone and agrees to all the schedule changes and helps with all the extra projects and is just not playing into all that. So I have a very strong response to feeling sucked in! But that's not *her* problem, that's my problem, and maybe this will be some practice in dealing with that.
posted by JoannaC at 9:59 PM on January 13, 2011
If she refuses to tell me what the problem is, I probably *will* dwell on it
This may be the effect she's going for, where she can be kind of mysteriously angry over something unspecified, so she can have you chasing your tail and bending over backwards to make her happy. It might be that kind of power/control thing.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:46 PM on January 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
This may be the effect she's going for, where she can be kind of mysteriously angry over something unspecified, so she can have you chasing your tail and bending over backwards to make her happy. It might be that kind of power/control thing.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:46 PM on January 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
Do you work in a junior high school, and is your coworker the scissor monitor and queen bee of the fashion club? Because that would be a scenario where it would be excusable for you to pamper and cajole her till she reveals what she wants from you.
If you're both taxpaying adults, why does she think it's all right to harass you with the silent treatment? So you will give her permission to lash out at you and turn you into her submissive little slavie?
I hate to say it, but by pampering her drama-seeking by obsessing and begging for approval, which is clearly what she wants, you are being someone who creates drama, or at least contributes to it. I know you think you can find a way to spoil her enough to keep the peace, but you can't. This is just the start of it.
You've had a reality check from your boss, and now there is no reason to play her game. If she has a problem, she can state it directly and assertively, or else pit up and shut up. This is how professional adults behave at work. Pay her the compliment of not expecting less.
posted by tel3path at 2:26 AM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you're both taxpaying adults, why does she think it's all right to harass you with the silent treatment? So you will give her permission to lash out at you and turn you into her submissive little slavie?
I hate to say it, but by pampering her drama-seeking by obsessing and begging for approval, which is clearly what she wants, you are being someone who creates drama, or at least contributes to it. I know you think you can find a way to spoil her enough to keep the peace, but you can't. This is just the start of it.
You've had a reality check from your boss, and now there is no reason to play her game. If she has a problem, she can state it directly and assertively, or else pit up and shut up. This is how professional adults behave at work. Pay her the compliment of not expecting less.
posted by tel3path at 2:26 AM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I kind of made that sound like it's ypur fault - sorry about that, it's not at all what I mean. What I mean is, it's her problem and it's essential that you not let her fool you.
posted by tel3path at 2:38 AM on January 14, 2011
posted by tel3path at 2:38 AM on January 14, 2011
I think I just feel that because of some drama I have seen other people get into in my life (one side of my family is VERY prone to this!) I have over-compensated by really coming to value being the person who never makes drama for anyone and agrees to all the schedule changes and helps with all the extra projects and is just not playing into all that.
Have you considered that being so accommodating when other people get (or threaten to get) dramatic actually encourages more drama? Meeting people halfway is a great way to cultivate healthy relationships -- they treat you well, you make life easier for them however you can, and everybody wins. But it sounds like you're so desperate to defuse conflict that you're at risk of REWARDING people for acting badly. Standing up for yourself is not "making drama." Be careful not to replicate patterns you intended to break.
posted by jon1270 at 3:00 AM on January 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
Have you considered that being so accommodating when other people get (or threaten to get) dramatic actually encourages more drama? Meeting people halfway is a great way to cultivate healthy relationships -- they treat you well, you make life easier for them however you can, and everybody wins. But it sounds like you're so desperate to defuse conflict that you're at risk of REWARDING people for acting badly. Standing up for yourself is not "making drama." Be careful not to replicate patterns you intended to break.
posted by jon1270 at 3:00 AM on January 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
I casually asked her today if she was mad at me about something, and she said yes and then just walked away
Wow.
Well, if she's doing this sort of thing and is more than, say, eleven years old, you now have clear evidence that you do not need to take her seriously ever again. Be secure in the fact that you know your boss is on your side if it should come to that, stay out of her self-induced drama, and just let her enjoy her little snit; soon enough she'll invent some reason to be passive-aggressive at somebody else in the office.
posted by ook at 6:55 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wow.
Well, if she's doing this sort of thing and is more than, say, eleven years old, you now have clear evidence that you do not need to take her seriously ever again. Be secure in the fact that you know your boss is on your side if it should come to that, stay out of her self-induced drama, and just let her enjoy her little snit; soon enough she'll invent some reason to be passive-aggressive at somebody else in the office.
posted by ook at 6:55 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have seen other people get into in my life (one side of my family is VERY prone to this!) I have over-compensated by really coming to value being the person who never makes drama for anyone and agrees to all the schedule changes and helps with all the extra projects and is just not playing into all that.
Be careful with this. Dramatic people often use drama to get what they want from people who will just do it to be non-confrontational. By being childish and not telling you what's going on, she's deliberately keeping you on eggshells and playing her game. If you don't want to be involved, you have to not let her drama affect you. Listen to your boss.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:45 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Be careful with this. Dramatic people often use drama to get what they want from people who will just do it to be non-confrontational. By being childish and not telling you what's going on, she's deliberately keeping you on eggshells and playing her game. If you don't want to be involved, you have to not let her drama affect you. Listen to your boss.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:45 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you again for your help, everyone. The problem, once she was done being all dramatic about it, basically came down to her being jealous about an extra project of mine that has been successful. It wasn't even about work at all. Once I realized that a) it was not about my job and b) she was being completely ridiculous, it was very easy to keep my cool.
posted by JoannaC at 1:37 PM on January 14, 2011
posted by JoannaC at 1:37 PM on January 14, 2011
Wow. I would keep my distance from this woman if I were you. She's already "punished" you in a small way for having a success. She sounds like the type who will keep stepping up that punishment if you allow her to.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:43 PM on January 14, 2011
posted by Ashley801 at 1:43 PM on January 14, 2011
Thanks for letting us know how it went. I agree with Ashley801--this woman sounds petty and irrational. I would not take ANYTHING she says seriously from this point on, and I would avoid her like the plague.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:13 PM on January 14, 2011
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:13 PM on January 14, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rdr at 7:52 PM on January 13, 2011 [3 favorites]