Terrible Roommate
January 5, 2011 3:22 PM Subscribe
My roommate is driving me crazy. I have another friend wanting to move in, but the problem is kicking him out without completely hurting his feelings. He doesn't have any other friends in the city, so I feel bad putting him out with nowhere to go. Any suggestions?
Why don't you and the friend move out together instead? Problem solved!
posted by Jubey at 3:30 PM on January 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:30 PM on January 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
What SNWidget said. How is your roommate driving you crazy, for starters?
posted by ixohoxi at 3:32 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by ixohoxi at 3:32 PM on January 5, 2011
Response by poster: He is not on the lease. My name is the only one on the lease, so he has no legal grounds to stay in the apartment. I have signed the lease through the end of July, so I can't leave sooner than that. His general personality drives me insane. He follows me around the apartment like a puppy dog and only gives me privacy when I am in the bathroom. He acts like a child constantly. I definitely cannot live with him for 7 more months. We're located in Los Angeles, if that helps, SNWidget.
posted by irishlady1234 at 3:37 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by irishlady1234 at 3:37 PM on January 5, 2011
My name is the only one on the lease, so he has no legal grounds to stay in the apartment
Wrong, in most states that I know of.
posted by availablelight at 3:41 PM on January 5, 2011 [6 favorites]
Wrong, in most states that I know of.
posted by availablelight at 3:41 PM on January 5, 2011 [6 favorites]
So basically, you're asking how to tell someone you can't stand them, and kick them out of their own home, without hurting their feelings?
That's, uh, not possible.
posted by ixohoxi at 3:44 PM on January 5, 2011 [6 favorites]
That's, uh, not possible.
posted by ixohoxi at 3:44 PM on January 5, 2011 [6 favorites]
As most people will point out, he absolutely has the legal right to stay despite not being on the lease. You can't just change the locks and put his stuff on the curb.
There's no way to ask him to leave without hurting his feelings. So either be willing to hurt his feelings, or be willing to move out on your own ASAP. Also, have you talked to him about his behavior?
posted by gnutron at 3:48 PM on January 5, 2011
There's no way to ask him to leave without hurting his feelings. So either be willing to hurt his feelings, or be willing to move out on your own ASAP. Also, have you talked to him about his behavior?
posted by gnutron at 3:48 PM on January 5, 2011
How long has he been at your apartment? That gives some basis as to whether or not you can ask him to leave.
posted by amicamentis at 3:49 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by amicamentis at 3:49 PM on January 5, 2011
Someone with better expertise than I will tell you for certain, but I'm not sure you can just kick him out, like others have said, depending on how long he's lived there with you.
Your options may come down to asking him to leave (which he can say no to), leaving yourself and breaking the lease (and dealing with the consequences), or trying to sublet to someone else while you find a new place for you and your friend.
posted by SNWidget at 3:54 PM on January 5, 2011
Your options may come down to asking him to leave (which he can say no to), leaving yourself and breaking the lease (and dealing with the consequences), or trying to sublet to someone else while you find a new place for you and your friend.
posted by SNWidget at 3:54 PM on January 5, 2011
Response by poster: He's been here for 3 months and I have talked to him about his behavior. He stops for about a week and a half then starts back up again. I know I am going to hurt his feelings no matter how I tell him, I was just wondering if anyone had a similar situation and had any good lines or lies I could use; a good reason to kick him out without making it about his personality. Also, I wouldn't just throw his things out on the curb, I'm not a monster.
posted by irishlady1234 at 3:57 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by irishlady1234 at 3:57 PM on January 5, 2011
In california, if he/she's getting mail at that address, and its been over x months (2 or 3, i forget), then they have legal protection and can't be arbitrarily kicked out.
posted by ShootTheMoon at 4:01 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by ShootTheMoon at 4:01 PM on January 5, 2011
let me correct that.. You can kick them out, with 30-60 day notice. You can't just change the locks and say you can't come inside anymore
posted by ShootTheMoon at 4:05 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by ShootTheMoon at 4:05 PM on January 5, 2011
It sounds like you've already got the story: You have a friend who needs a place and you're giving the roommate his legal notice (once you find out what that is).
He won't have nowhere to go. He'll have his legal notice period to find an apartment or a room, just like everyone else does when they need to find a new place and can afford to pay rent.
posted by mendel at 4:09 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
He won't have nowhere to go. He'll have his legal notice period to find an apartment or a room, just like everyone else does when they need to find a new place and can afford to pay rent.
posted by mendel at 4:09 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
My name is the only one on the lease, so he has no legal grounds to stay in the apartment.
This is entirely wrong. He is subleasing from you, and has rights. if you want to kick him out, you'll have to give him the amount of notice that is required by law.
You can't avoid hurting his feelings. You are saying that he's annoying and that you don't want to live with him anymore. You can't spin that in a positive light.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:41 PM on January 5, 2011
This is entirely wrong. He is subleasing from you, and has rights. if you want to kick him out, you'll have to give him the amount of notice that is required by law.
You can't avoid hurting his feelings. You are saying that he's annoying and that you don't want to live with him anymore. You can't spin that in a positive light.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:41 PM on January 5, 2011
Well, when I really wanted a roommate gone I made sure that I got them mad at me. Like calling him and the girlfriend that unofficially lived with us and gave them Hell for putting a dirty pan away and for using up all of the eggs.
Like you, we had someone else ready to move in. I wouldn't say this was the best idea I've ever had by any means. But if you want the guy gone badly enough it might be worth it to make him move out and think that he's winning by sticking you with his part of the rent.
posted by theichibun at 4:44 PM on January 5, 2011
Like you, we had someone else ready to move in. I wouldn't say this was the best idea I've ever had by any means. But if you want the guy gone badly enough it might be worth it to make him move out and think that he's winning by sticking you with his part of the rent.
posted by theichibun at 4:44 PM on January 5, 2011
Sit him down, say it's not working, and tell him he needs to move out within 30 days.
If he wants to know why, repeat "I'm sorry, but this is just not working, and I need you to move out by [date]."
That's all you need to say. No lies or lines necessary. Just give it to him straight, and don't get wound up in his hurt feelings.
It's not fun, but neither is living with him, right?
posted by ottereroticist at 5:11 PM on January 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
If he wants to know why, repeat "I'm sorry, but this is just not working, and I need you to move out by [date]."
That's all you need to say. No lies or lines necessary. Just give it to him straight, and don't get wound up in his hurt feelings.
It's not fun, but neither is living with him, right?
posted by ottereroticist at 5:11 PM on January 5, 2011 [7 favorites]
(1) If you kick out roommate with sufficient notice, don't feel too too bad. People are always looking for roommates. It'd be nice if you helped carry boxes in the moving process, to make up for the (perceived) injustice of kicking someone out.
(2) Never be absolutely sure that your other friend wanting to move in will be that much better, all things considered. I once moved in with a best friend and had to move out within two months to salvage a by-that point-mediocre friendship, since their friend-at-a-distance behaviour was far (far) different than their friend-as-a-roommate behaviour.
(3) Unless utter love of your current apartment precludes this, the least jerky move would be simply to move into a new place with your other friend. Two people are going to have to go through the process of moving in the situation anyway, and option (b) will lead to much less shit-disturbance than option (a).
All of this depends on whether you want to remain on good terms with current roommate. It's up to you.
posted by astrochimp at 5:26 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
(2) Never be absolutely sure that your other friend wanting to move in will be that much better, all things considered. I once moved in with a best friend and had to move out within two months to salvage a by-that point-mediocre friendship, since their friend-at-a-distance behaviour was far (far) different than their friend-as-a-roommate behaviour.
(3) Unless utter love of your current apartment precludes this, the least jerky move would be simply to move into a new place with your other friend. Two people are going to have to go through the process of moving in the situation anyway, and option (b) will lead to much less shit-disturbance than option (a).
All of this depends on whether you want to remain on good terms with current roommate. It's up to you.
posted by astrochimp at 5:26 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, the only way to pull this off is going to be taking ownership of the fact that you're the bad guy. And that's ok! You have the right to look out for your own sanity.
Sit him down and give him the 30 days notice. It's going to be terrible cause it's going to feel like a really awkward break up, but too bad. He's going tell you that he can change his behaviour. Too bad for him. I think the key is going to be having your other friend ready to move it right when the 30 days are up. Explain to dude that new roomy has a moving van booked, etc, for that day and it's happening whether he likes it or not.
You should certainly tell him that you don't dislike him as a person, it's just that your personalities didn't work as roommates and you're really looking forward to living with new roomy. He won't believe you, of course, but it might at least lay the groundwork for saving the friendship once all the awkwardness has played out. On that note, give him a couple weeks after the move out date, then take him out for a beer and apologize to him sincerely. Hopefully he'll understand.
tl;dr: You can't spare his feelings, but you should still do it. He's an adult, he'll be ok.
posted by auto-correct at 6:41 PM on January 5, 2011
Sit him down and give him the 30 days notice. It's going to be terrible cause it's going to feel like a really awkward break up, but too bad. He's going tell you that he can change his behaviour. Too bad for him. I think the key is going to be having your other friend ready to move it right when the 30 days are up. Explain to dude that new roomy has a moving van booked, etc, for that day and it's happening whether he likes it or not.
You should certainly tell him that you don't dislike him as a person, it's just that your personalities didn't work as roommates and you're really looking forward to living with new roomy. He won't believe you, of course, but it might at least lay the groundwork for saving the friendship once all the awkwardness has played out. On that note, give him a couple weeks after the move out date, then take him out for a beer and apologize to him sincerely. Hopefully he'll understand.
tl;dr: You can't spare his feelings, but you should still do it. He's an adult, he'll be ok.
posted by auto-correct at 6:41 PM on January 5, 2011
My name is the only one on the lease, so he has no legal grounds to stay in the apartment.
This may not be true. You should look at local tenant/renters' laws to make sure. In a lot of places it's actually quite difficult to evict someone who has been in your home for more than 30 days or who is otherwise a permanent resident.
Have you talked to your roommate about what bothers you? When I lived with a close friend, he had to tell me a few different times that he needed more privacy from me. Sometimes making boundaries can be hard.
Why not help him make more friends in the city? Encourage him to go out and do things where he might meet people. If you're going to a huge house party where there will be tons of people there, bring him along. If you're hanging out with a friend who has similar interests, invite him.
posted by Sara C. at 6:46 PM on January 5, 2011
This may not be true. You should look at local tenant/renters' laws to make sure. In a lot of places it's actually quite difficult to evict someone who has been in your home for more than 30 days or who is otherwise a permanent resident.
Have you talked to your roommate about what bothers you? When I lived with a close friend, he had to tell me a few different times that he needed more privacy from me. Sometimes making boundaries can be hard.
Why not help him make more friends in the city? Encourage him to go out and do things where he might meet people. If you're going to a huge house party where there will be tons of people there, bring him along. If you're hanging out with a friend who has similar interests, invite him.
posted by Sara C. at 6:46 PM on January 5, 2011
a good reason to kick him out without making it about his personality.
This is actually going on in my apartment right now.
I have two roommates. Roommate A has the lease. Roommate B has never been a good match for the two of us. Over the past several months, as B has become more and more annoying, A and I fretted over what we should do. We didn't really want to kick her out just because. Even though her behavior has been pretty bad.
Then A found cigarette butts in B's room. For the second time. Everyone had officially agreed not to smoke in the apartment; we all signed legally vetted sublease agreements to that effect. When confronted about it the first time, B had promised not to do it again. The whole thing is very awkward, to say the least.
So my advice to you is to be on the lookout for obvious deal-breaking behavior. If he's a model tenant, however, you might be out of luck.
posted by Sara C. at 6:56 PM on January 5, 2011
This is actually going on in my apartment right now.
I have two roommates. Roommate A has the lease. Roommate B has never been a good match for the two of us. Over the past several months, as B has become more and more annoying, A and I fretted over what we should do. We didn't really want to kick her out just because. Even though her behavior has been pretty bad.
Then A found cigarette butts in B's room. For the second time. Everyone had officially agreed not to smoke in the apartment; we all signed legally vetted sublease agreements to that effect. When confronted about it the first time, B had promised not to do it again. The whole thing is very awkward, to say the least.
So my advice to you is to be on the lookout for obvious deal-breaking behavior. If he's a model tenant, however, you might be out of luck.
posted by Sara C. at 6:56 PM on January 5, 2011
Sit him down, say it's not working, and tell him he needs to move out within 30 days.
I just kicked a roommate out and this is how I did it. I had many (good) reasons why I didn't want or trust him in the house anymore, I listed those but stayed calm and non-confrontational despite my sincere pissed-offed-ness and he agreed to leave with no unpleasantness. Left a pile of dirty dishes and took all the beer in the fridge but it was a small price to pay to get rid of someone who makes your home life unpleasant.
posted by fshgrl at 9:43 PM on January 5, 2011
I just kicked a roommate out and this is how I did it. I had many (good) reasons why I didn't want or trust him in the house anymore, I listed those but stayed calm and non-confrontational despite my sincere pissed-offed-ness and he agreed to leave with no unpleasantness. Left a pile of dirty dishes and took all the beer in the fridge but it was a small price to pay to get rid of someone who makes your home life unpleasant.
posted by fshgrl at 9:43 PM on January 5, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
You'll have to provide a bucket more information (location, other factors) about the situation before anyone can even begin to help.
posted by SNWidget at 3:23 PM on January 5, 2011 [2 favorites]