How do you trust someone you are just getting to know?
December 28, 2010 7:09 PM Subscribe
Started seeing a new guy very recently. I know for a fact that he had a a boyfriend when we met; however, he claims that things haven't been working out and that they're "taking a break." How do you know whether to believe someone if you haven't known them very long?
Here's the timeline:
I met Pierre and his boyfriend at a party a couple weeks ago. Pierre flirted with me discreetly when his boyfriend wasn't paying attention. Later that night he looked me up on Facebook and continued the flirtation. I asked about the boyfriend and he tactfully dodged the question; since I didn't figure I'd really ever see either of them again, I let it go.
After a week of almost no contact, Pierre writes to ask me out. We go out, but right off the bat I ask him about the boyfriend more directly, and now he tells me that things haven't been going well between them for some time, and that since the party they've officially decided to "take a break." He told me they'd been together for at least a year, and I know for a fact that they don't live together.
Pierre's been unfailingly nice and romantic and respectful, and I don't have any reason to mistrust him, but I don't know him from Adam and we have no friends in common, so I have nothing but his word to go on. I'm not looking for anything serious right now, and he doesn't seem to be either, so the stakes are low. Even so, I'd feel awful if it turned out that he's actually cheating on his boyfriend.
Since we've already talked it over, I don't want to pry or beat a dead horse by bringing it up repeatedly, especially since I have no particular reason to think he's lying, and since it's obviously a painful matter and only barely my business.
So how do I proceed? Anything I should watch for?
Here's the timeline:
I met Pierre and his boyfriend at a party a couple weeks ago. Pierre flirted with me discreetly when his boyfriend wasn't paying attention. Later that night he looked me up on Facebook and continued the flirtation. I asked about the boyfriend and he tactfully dodged the question; since I didn't figure I'd really ever see either of them again, I let it go.
After a week of almost no contact, Pierre writes to ask me out. We go out, but right off the bat I ask him about the boyfriend more directly, and now he tells me that things haven't been going well between them for some time, and that since the party they've officially decided to "take a break." He told me they'd been together for at least a year, and I know for a fact that they don't live together.
Pierre's been unfailingly nice and romantic and respectful, and I don't have any reason to mistrust him, but I don't know him from Adam and we have no friends in common, so I have nothing but his word to go on. I'm not looking for anything serious right now, and he doesn't seem to be either, so the stakes are low. Even so, I'd feel awful if it turned out that he's actually cheating on his boyfriend.
Since we've already talked it over, I don't want to pry or beat a dead horse by bringing it up repeatedly, especially since I have no particular reason to think he's lying, and since it's obviously a painful matter and only barely my business.
So how do I proceed? Anything I should watch for?
Before even reading the "more inside," -- the language is problematic. "Taking a break" is not the same as "broken up." It implies continuing the relationship. It's vague. The fact that he flirted with you while distinctly not broken up is concerning. It depends what you're interested in, but if you're interested in an honest, serious, and committed relationship eventually...this doesn't look like it.
posted by Miko at 7:13 PM on December 28, 2010
posted by Miko at 7:13 PM on December 28, 2010
Lots of times when there's lots of overlap like this, there's also lots of drama.
Gross generalization, perhaps, but yeah....
posted by vivid postcard at 7:14 PM on December 28, 2010
Gross generalization, perhaps, but yeah....
posted by vivid postcard at 7:14 PM on December 28, 2010
Response by poster: Just to be clear, I'm not at all interested in a serious, committed relationship, so "rebound" doesn't especially bother me. Though I hope it's still possible to be honest.
posted by Vinegaroon at 7:17 PM on December 28, 2010
posted by Vinegaroon at 7:17 PM on December 28, 2010
If you'd feel awful to discover that he's actually cheating on his boyfriend, regardless of what kind of relationship you want with this guy, avoid him. Unless Pierre and his boyfriend are in mutually-acknowledged open relationship, him flirting with you while still attached to his boyfriend = bad news bears. Don't get entangled in this kind of drama.
posted by patronuscharms at 7:21 PM on December 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by patronuscharms at 7:21 PM on December 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sounds to me like he's being honest- he didn't say they were broken up, he said they were "on a break". If you're really not going to be disappointed when they get back together (and color me doubtful on that point), then what's the problem?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:21 PM on December 28, 2010
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:21 PM on December 28, 2010
This expectation:
Though I hope it's still possible to be honest
does not seem to line up too well with this observation:
Pierre flirted with me discreetly when his boyfriend wasn't paying attention
Who will Pierre flirt with discreetly when you're the new bf, and slightly distracted?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:22 PM on December 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Though I hope it's still possible to be honest
does not seem to line up too well with this observation:
Pierre flirted with me discreetly when his boyfriend wasn't paying attention
Who will Pierre flirt with discreetly when you're the new bf, and slightly distracted?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:22 PM on December 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just to be clear, I'm not at all interested in a serious, committed relationship, so "rebound" doesn't especially bother me. Though I hope it's still possible to be honest.
Well, he's not acting honest, so if that's important to you then you should get that on the table before proceeding.
posted by Miko at 7:25 PM on December 28, 2010
Well, he's not acting honest, so if that's important to you then you should get that on the table before proceeding.
posted by Miko at 7:25 PM on December 28, 2010
My most disastrous and drama-filled relationship with the BIGGEST liar I've known (heaps of charisma, tho!) started off in exactly this same way.
-Flirted with you while his bf was at the same party
-Troublesome open-ended meaning of the phrase "taking a break"
-At least a 1 year (maybe longer) relationship with BF
-Is now pursuing you, going out of his way to track you down and see you
...Oh how familiar the signs. I'm sorry, I think this guy is a creep. Guaranteed the bf doesn't know they are "taking a break."
For the record, the way this guy identified you for this special place in his life was your willingness to flirt with him out of eyesight of bf. Sure at the time you didn't really know the score. Pierre probably does this a lot.
Even if he dumps bf, you don't want to be on more intimate terms with Pierre. He's not relationship material.
posted by jbenben at 7:29 PM on December 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
-Flirted with you while his bf was at the same party
-Troublesome open-ended meaning of the phrase "taking a break"
-At least a 1 year (maybe longer) relationship with BF
-Is now pursuing you, going out of his way to track you down and see you
...Oh how familiar the signs. I'm sorry, I think this guy is a creep. Guaranteed the bf doesn't know they are "taking a break."
For the record, the way this guy identified you for this special place in his life was your willingness to flirt with him out of eyesight of bf. Sure at the time you didn't really know the score. Pierre probably does this a lot.
Even if he dumps bf, you don't want to be on more intimate terms with Pierre. He's not relationship material.
posted by jbenben at 7:29 PM on December 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
How do you know whether to believe someone if you haven't known them very long?
You don't.
Sounds like he's keeping his poor bf on the hook. If things work out with you, great! Dump bf, and move on to you. If not, well, then he can just go back to bf.
It's not fair to anyone in the situation and if he'll do this to his current bf, he'd do it to you.
posted by ACN09 at 7:45 PM on December 28, 2010
You don't.
Sounds like he's keeping his poor bf on the hook. If things work out with you, great! Dump bf, and move on to you. If not, well, then he can just go back to bf.
It's not fair to anyone in the situation and if he'll do this to his current bf, he'd do it to you.
posted by ACN09 at 7:45 PM on December 28, 2010
This is one of those situations where you have a choice to make. You can either go along with this and see where it leads, or you can get out of what is probably going to be a volatile and ultimately disappointing situation. Your level of trust of the other person is a part of that decision, but you should also think of yourself and how you would feel if "Pierre" decides to go back to his serious boyfriend. No matter how trustworthy Pierre is, either he wants to be with you or the other guy (or neither, I suppose).
All I'll say is that this has happened to me in the past, and you're lucky the guy is being up front with you. At least now you can decide how involved you want to get.
posted by Sara C. at 10:42 PM on December 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
All I'll say is that this has happened to me in the past, and you're lucky the guy is being up front with you. At least now you can decide how involved you want to get.
posted by Sara C. at 10:42 PM on December 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
You may not be lucky the guy is being up front with you (if, in fact, he is). Sending mixed messages is a classic, and very effective, seduction technique.
Additionally, some very good liars tell the truth because it's the most effective form of lying. In this case, it seems to be a way of placing the responsibility on you.
You already feel wrong about asking for the information you need about his relationship status, and you have been made to feel that way ("painful"). You won't be allowed to mention the boyfriend any more, and you won't want to, but Pepe[1] will mention him whenever he wants to remind you of your place in the scheme of things. He's just managing your expectations, you see? It's only fair of him.
You don't know him or anyone else in his circle, but even if you did, my guess is that he's his own most careful publicist. I honestly think that the only way of finding out the real truth is to hire a private detective, which would be very bunny-boily of you, so we can rule that out as a way of learning anything useful.
I'd say go ahead and date Pepe to satisfy your curiosity, because you will anyway. But the thing is, I think Pepe's bf is going to get cheated on if you do. So, really, you can't make a move without more information, and the only non-crazy way you can get that is to ask Pepe, who my intuition tells me is a lying liar who lies about everything, including "and" and "the", and whatever he tells you you are not really going to trust. And why aren't you? Because your question is about how you can trust this guy, which you don't, or you wouldn't be asking. Continue not to trust him.
[1] I know you say his name is Pierre, but I just cannot get the image of Pepe le Pew out of my mind, so that's what I'm going to call him.
posted by tel3path at 5:31 AM on December 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Additionally, some very good liars tell the truth because it's the most effective form of lying. In this case, it seems to be a way of placing the responsibility on you.
You already feel wrong about asking for the information you need about his relationship status, and you have been made to feel that way ("painful"). You won't be allowed to mention the boyfriend any more, and you won't want to, but Pepe[1] will mention him whenever he wants to remind you of your place in the scheme of things. He's just managing your expectations, you see? It's only fair of him.
You don't know him or anyone else in his circle, but even if you did, my guess is that he's his own most careful publicist. I honestly think that the only way of finding out the real truth is to hire a private detective, which would be very bunny-boily of you, so we can rule that out as a way of learning anything useful.
I'd say go ahead and date Pepe to satisfy your curiosity, because you will anyway. But the thing is, I think Pepe's bf is going to get cheated on if you do. So, really, you can't make a move without more information, and the only non-crazy way you can get that is to ask Pepe, who my intuition tells me is a lying liar who lies about everything, including "and" and "the", and whatever he tells you you are not really going to trust. And why aren't you? Because your question is about how you can trust this guy, which you don't, or you wouldn't be asking. Continue not to trust him.
[1] I know you say his name is Pierre, but I just cannot get the image of Pepe le Pew out of my mind, so that's what I'm going to call him.
posted by tel3path at 5:31 AM on December 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wait a minute, I know how you can tell whether to trust him or not.
In my experience, the way a guy sets his cap at me ALWAYS sets the tone for how ANY subsequent relationship of ANY kind will progress. Friends, coworkers, acquaintances, whatever. I and others have sometimes made excuses when such guys have expressed themselves badly. I and others have ALWAYS been wrong to make such excuses. A guy's approach technique has ALWAYS proven to be the most accurate thin-slice of his character I could possibly have had. I have NEVER seen this to fail.
Now, how did this guy approach you? By covertly flirting while his bf was on the other side of the room.
Expect any relationship you have with him to continue in this vein and end as it began.
posted by tel3path at 6:41 AM on December 29, 2010 [6 favorites]
In my experience, the way a guy sets his cap at me ALWAYS sets the tone for how ANY subsequent relationship of ANY kind will progress. Friends, coworkers, acquaintances, whatever. I and others have sometimes made excuses when such guys have expressed themselves badly. I and others have ALWAYS been wrong to make such excuses. A guy's approach technique has ALWAYS proven to be the most accurate thin-slice of his character I could possibly have had. I have NEVER seen this to fail.
Now, how did this guy approach you? By covertly flirting while his bf was on the other side of the room.
Expect any relationship you have with him to continue in this vein and end as it began.
posted by tel3path at 6:41 AM on December 29, 2010 [6 favorites]
"Additionally, some very good liars tell the truth because it's the most effective form of lying."
"In this case, it seems to be a way of placing the responsibility on you."
I can not nth those two statements enough. Plus the observation that the way this fellow first initiated contact with you tells you everything you need to know about how this guy operates...
Wow. Yep. Yesiree. Yes. Exactly.
posted by jbenben at 10:28 AM on December 29, 2010
"In this case, it seems to be a way of placing the responsibility on you."
I can not nth those two statements enough. Plus the observation that the way this fellow first initiated contact with you tells you everything you need to know about how this guy operates...
Wow. Yep. Yesiree. Yes. Exactly.
posted by jbenben at 10:28 AM on December 29, 2010
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posted by xingcat at 7:12 PM on December 28, 2010