Please sir, can I have some more?
December 27, 2010 1:39 PM   Subscribe

How do I get him to last longer in bed?

As someone who didn't start having sex until I was in my late 20s, I seem to have been lucky to have dated men who were mostly my age and older: basically, they expected sex to involve the both of us having orgasms.

Well, I've been seeing a 25 year old and he seems to be unfamiliar with the concept that women enjoy orgasms too. Basically, when he's done, it's cuddle time. He also seems to think that simple fingering will get me off, with no clitoral stimulation. So, I've realized that I have the onus of teaching this otherwise lovely man about female pleasure. I don't want to bruise his ego, but how do I broach the topic with him? I've found info online about how a guy can last longer, but how should I talk to him about it?
posted by oceanview to Human Relations (15 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

unless he has an actual premature ejaculation problem, i'd leave that symptom alone and focus on how he can please you. tell him you like your clit touched, licked, flicked, fondled, and worshiped. when he does something pleasing, react appreciatively. when he's doing something less pleasing, coo "now touch my __________" and then react with more vigor when he does the second thing. do a post sex report, focusing on the positives "i loved it when you _________, it felt so good when you _________, i can't wait until we do _________ again!"

everyone is different, but i've found that positive reinforcements go a lot further than "this is what you're doing wrong."

if after all of this you find he actually has a premature ejaculation problem, then you can start tackling the numbing creams/masturbation style/cock rings/thicker condoms conversations.
posted by nadawi at 1:44 PM on December 27, 2010 [2 favorites]

"Tonight, I get to come first."

In other words, take charge for a night, announce that it's your turn, and tell him what you'd like him to do. You can do this so that it's both informative and incredibly hot. Then, once he's done what you need him to do, reward him for his efforts.

You may still at some point need to have a talk with him about any larger issues, but this way, when you have that talk, he'll already know what he needs to do to get you off.
posted by decathecting at 2:00 PM on December 27, 2010 [4 favorites]

So, I've realized that I have the onus of teaching this otherwise lovely man about female pleasure.

Yes, the onus is on you -- teaching a partner how to pleasure you is something that anyone who has sex should be prepared to do, regardless of the sex or age of your partner. Of course sometimes you'll meet a partner who is more observant or just accidentally better at getting you off (and often people mistake that accident for a sign of true compatibility) but you should always be prepared to guide someone's hand and/or say "do this!" Guys will almost always appreciate this -- they WANT to get you off, and they'd rather learn how than just make things up as they go.

In fact, a lot of guys (sounds like your guy is one) will just put forth a sort of standard, default effort at first, and count on the other person (you) to pipe up if there's something you want/need. Because guys can be shy about asking or assuming, especially less experienced guys. Or, lots of girls before you have gone ahead and faked it during his less-than-agile attempt, which is why (IMO) girls should stop faking it -- it doesn't help anyone get any better at anything they're doing.

As for duration, try to spend no more than a few minutes at a time doing any one thing, in any one position. Once he starts getting close, point him in another direction. Repeat this until one or both of you are out of your minds and ready to climax. After a few sessions like this he will (hopefully) be broken of his eats/shoots/leaves habit, realizing that the bar is officially set higher with you than it was in his past encounters.
posted by hermitosis at 2:02 PM on December 27, 2010 [2 favorites]

The thing is that if you say "you need to last longer" that isn't going to address the real issue--he seems to have no clue about your (and the majority of women's) getting off more reliably from clitoral stimulation than from in-and-out in the vagina. So telling him he should last longer isn't going to do it.

So you should be specific about things you like, maybe making it into a game. But it also sounds like he has a general lack of clue about how women as a group have orgasms, and that might or might not be something you want to clue him in about. Pretty much every crappy "HOW TO MAKE WOMEN MOAN WITH PLEASURE" book out there is helpful to someone who has as little information as he seems to have currently, so that might be a good middle ground between "this is what I dig" and "this is how people who know what they're doing, in general, usually do it."
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:16 PM on December 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Note: like arguments, problems in the bedroom are best handled outside the bedroom. Talk about it. After dinner, before bedtime. This can be difficult to do, but I think it is the best way to handle it. Frame it as a style or timing issue- you need a little more X Y and Z to get off. "The bar is higher" is about the last thing anyone wants to hear. But also talk about ways to communicate the various "waypoints" non-verbally. Have him find a way to give you the 2 minute warning- maybe have him initiate a position change when he starts getting close, and if you wave it off, that means you are both ready to go.

(And figure out a way to convince him to find his partner's orgasm to be the sexiest thing. 'Cause that works pretty good.)

Nothing ruins sexytime more than pressure to perform. And I say this as someone who has been on both sides of the issue (from "You are done already?" to "OK, I'm done now, what's wrong with you for not being done yet?"). Each extreme is pressure, and not conducive to fun.
posted by gjc at 2:33 PM on December 27, 2010

How about getting She Comes First as an after-Christmas gift you can both enjoy.
posted by El_Marto at 2:33 PM on December 27, 2010

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

Can make someone much better at giving oral (with some side notes on manual) pleasure to a woman.

Or so I've heard. :-)

Nice balance between not being some kind of lame erotica with an educational wrapping , nor on the other extreme so clinical it makes it all sound like a chore. I'm not sure being told that the clitoris has 18 parts is the best approach to the topic, and I think it tends to make the topic a bit more complicated than perhaps it should be, but overall if he is WILLING to attend to that side of your lovelife, it should (with some coaching from you) help make him ABLE.
posted by randomkeystrike at 2:40 PM on December 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Some things that will help him last longer:

1) Have him wank an hour or so before
2) Have him run 3-4 miles a day, since this increases his sexual stamiina
3) Put him on anti-depressants or heavy doses of opiate based medication... but this could have the unintended result of a soldier that won't stand at attention.
4) Be on top and tell him to relax
5) You could have him reduce his caffeine intake, but that will only have a moderate effect.

or, you could...

6) Figure out what gets you off and try to communicate this to him a bit better.

As a last resort...

7) When he looks like he's about to come, say you have a fantasy involving a threesome with his mother
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 2:48 PM on December 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

I gotta say, 'bruising his ego' got me the most results with the least fuss of anything I've tried. I expected (and got) some seriously hurt feelings, but for the first time in six years we were above-board about what was going on in bed. It hasn't improved his endurance, but he's risen to the challenge in other ways. Basically, there's a difference between a conversation that goes, "You suck, get on the stick," and a conversation that amounts to, "make me want you more, because this isn't doing it for me." They're both hard to hear, but there IS a difference, and some guys just don't take on board gentler promptings.

I'm sure you know this, but keep in mind, this is not a conversation to have before, during or after sex. Like any hard topic, have the conversation, however you choose to have it & whatever message you choose to give, when sex is nowhere on the mind.
posted by Ys at 2:48 PM on December 27, 2010

Cock ring.
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:07 PM on December 27, 2010

Just direct his hand/head towards the area. A lot of men (from my experience) actually like being told what to do in the act of sex. Maybe not so much NOT in the act, though
posted by KogeLiz at 3:32 PM on December 27, 2010

"How do I get him to last longer in bed?"

... when flipped for role becomes "How can he get me to come faster?" And, really, that's a question that deserves some consideration, too. How long does it take you, with good stimulation, to come? Because if you are a 40-minute-to-orgasm outlier, with specific needs for oral stimulation, particular clitoral stimulation, or other specific acts, you need to be more than direct, and absolutely clear about your needs, and be willing to work with a lover who seems to be "performing" within "normal" parameters. Some women have really, really specific sexual needs, and find it hard to come outside those experiential boundaries; men, often, are able to adapt broadly in terms of actions, if not timetable, once they know a reliable path to the mutual goal.
posted by paulsc at 4:05 PM on December 27, 2010

Get on top. Rub your clit against his pelvis until you come (I learned to orgasm as a kid by humping a bunched up sheet; this is essentially the same thing with the added bonus of having sex while doing it!). Have awesome orgasm, encourage him to do same.

Above method is fantastic for maintenance sex, but you should really tell the dude where & how you need more attention/affection.

Also, don't be shy to teach by doing. Most men find it incredibly erotic to watch a woman pleasure herself. You could start by sucking his cock while rubbing your own clit, and at some point, say, "Could you take over here so I can use my hands on you?"

Above all, have fun!
posted by socket wench at 4:12 PM on December 27, 2010

What's wrong with asking to come first? Explain that p-in-v doesn't get you off (incredibly, incredibly common) and ask for oral or for him to finger you while you touch yourself first. Guys are pretty much "done" after they orgasm, so in my opinion, it's only fair to let us get off first! AMIRITE!? You can tell him how wet and tight you'll be when you are finished, and if he needs any more convincing than that, he's a crazy person. I also like to pleasure myself during sex, but less experienced gents have trouble controlling themselves at that point. You might want to work up to that!
posted by two lights above the sea at 4:38 PM on December 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Women need to learn that men are not mind readers. You have to talk to him. tell him that hes doing it wrong and teach him the right way. if you expect him to be a mind reader then all hope is lost.
posted by majortom1981 at 4:59 AM on December 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

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