I got 99 problems, and one of them is not coming up with 99 problems
November 18, 2010 11:46 PM Subscribe
Help me make a list of 99 (funny/interesting/etc) problems!
I'm going to a party (in about 12 hours) where everyone's supposed to dress up as their favourite band or song. I figured it would be fun to take a shirt and write 99 different problems on it and be 99 problems by Jay Z.
Unfortunately I'm really struggling with coming up with 99 problems and only have a short list of about 20 so far. Among them I have: You missed your train, someone broke your leg, someone broke your heart, you're dumped through Facebook, you're proposed to through Facebook, etc., etc.
Please help me come up with a good list!
I'm going to a party (in about 12 hours) where everyone's supposed to dress up as their favourite band or song. I figured it would be fun to take a shirt and write 99 different problems on it and be 99 problems by Jay Z.
Unfortunately I'm really struggling with coming up with 99 problems and only have a short list of about 20 so far. Among them I have: You missed your train, someone broke your leg, someone broke your heart, you're dumped through Facebook, you're proposed to through Facebook, etc., etc.
Please help me come up with a good list!
Need an outfit for a party.
posted by crabintheocean at 11:52 PM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by crabintheocean at 11:52 PM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
posted by yellowbinder at 11:53 PM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by yellowbinder at 11:53 PM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Misogyny.
posted by fontophilic at 11:58 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by fontophilic at 11:58 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
being kept down by the man
illegal search and seizure
had to use your AK
Snoop smoked all the weed again
people questioning your credibility when you become a major artist
posted by Ghidorah at 12:01 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
illegal search and seizure
had to use your AK
Snoop smoked all the weed again
people questioning your credibility when you become a major artist
posted by Ghidorah at 12:01 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
No one tells you that the back of your skirt is tucked inside your pantyhose.
Your spare tire is flat, too.
No toilet paper in the stall.
The dog ate your homework.
You forgot to mail your tax return.
Your credit card was declined.
Ran out of printer ink. At 3AM. The night before an important paper is due.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:04 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your spare tire is flat, too.
No toilet paper in the stall.
The dog ate your homework.
You forgot to mail your tax return.
Your credit card was declined.
Ran out of printer ink. At 3AM. The night before an important paper is due.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:04 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
problem: a question proposed for solution
(so any non-rhetorical question will do)
posted by philip-random at 12:05 AM on November 19, 2010
(so any non-rhetorical question will do)
posted by philip-random at 12:05 AM on November 19, 2010
My ship came in but I was at the airport.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:22 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by IndigoRain at 12:22 AM on November 19, 2010
Wikipedia's Lists of Unsolved Problems
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:47 AM on November 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:47 AM on November 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your llama's sick, the rocket won't ignite, your hat's too tight, your homework is late, your novel-in-progress stinks, your thesis is garbage, your clothes were eaten by moths, your second-hand television has Fox News' logo burned into the screen, your goats are horny, the test is tomorrow and you haven't studied, your mom's coming over, the rent is due, aliens aren't invading, you can't stop sneezing, you asked for no ice but got it anyway, the neighbors' bass, pollution, your travel companion won't stop whining, kidney stones, pilot light's out, your basement flooded, the monster is behind you, you lost your coat, you can't beat your video game, you dropped your laptop, dinner is burnt, you're in junior high, deadlines, roadkill in the middle of your lane, it's all been a dream, velociraptors, nasty passive-aggressive notes posted in your cubicle, no one came to your party, you're lost, your sports team lost, excessive zucchini, you're going blind, you got over-billed, you didn't remember to turn off the gas, it's too late to say goodbye, you don't exercise, the seas are rough, people on the Internet are being wrong, you don't know what to say, you bit off more than you can chew, you broke someone's window, you've been arrested, your shoelace snapped when you were tying your shoe, nobody ever forgives or forgets, no more moonwalks, your scooter was impounded, you scalded the baby, you waited to long to return that thing you couldn't afford, someone stole all your cookies, you hate your job, you got a lousy haircut, your Halloween makeup won't wash off, it's the middle of November and no snow, Neo-Nazis, your cucumbers turned orange, your souffle fell, you're uninsured, bad drivers, migraines, obscure but expensive zoning violations, the stock market crashed, the bar's closing, and it turns out everyone else actually is psychic.
And yes, credit where credit's due - a fair number of these were probably AskMes.
posted by teremala at 12:52 AM on November 19, 2010 [8 favorites]
And yes, credit where credit's due - a fair number of these were probably AskMes.
posted by teremala at 12:52 AM on November 19, 2010 [8 favorites]
Other problems:
rain on your wedding day
the roof is on fire
hot for teacher
baby I forgot your number
can't get no satisfaction
bad romance
california dreaming
still haven't found what I'm looking for
tainted love
lost that loving feeling
posted by hattifattener at 12:54 AM on November 19, 2010
rain on your wedding day
the roof is on fire
hot for teacher
baby I forgot your number
can't get no satisfaction
bad romance
california dreaming
still haven't found what I'm looking for
tainted love
lost that loving feeling
posted by hattifattener at 12:54 AM on November 19, 2010
Response by poster: I love the song titles as problems idea. Thanks guys! Keep them coming.
posted by bjrn at 1:08 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by bjrn at 1:08 AM on November 19, 2010
Being pulled over for doing 55 in a 54.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:15 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:15 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Blue screen of death
"check engine" light blinking
disconcerting rash
middle east peace process
no flying cars
ring around the collar
Fermat's last theorem
cereal won't stay crispy in milk
missing socks
hard water
America's got talent
bitten by radioactive spider
close talkers
Canada
dead batteries
lack of bacon
industrial disease
global thermonuclear war
decreasing biodiversity
that not-so-fresh feeling
pollution
alien abductions
republicans
democrats
leaky faucets
forest fires
lost love
lost keys
lost remote control
lost souls
ingrown toenail
sinkholes
potholes
reality TV
brownouts
blackouts
dropouts
hanging chads
Philidelphia
telemarketers
the robot uprising
broken watch
broken windows
broken mirrors
broken dreams
ringing phones
ennui
identity theft
financial crisis
existential crisis
cavities
insomnia
unwatered plants
a mysterious ticking noise
bad haircuts
wikipedia arguments about notability
low bandwidth
tinnitus
teenagers
twitter
misbehaving dogs
seasonal affective disorder
mold
mildew
loud birds outside window
writer's block
a hole in the ozone layer
vampires
werewolves
the zombie apocalypse
autotune
liberal guilt
time travel paradoxes
poor service at restaurants
commercials
Edited re-releases of Star Wars films
spam
plagiarism
bedbugs
bears
sharks
Metallica
wet paint
Turing incompleteness
the yips
60 hertz hum
beaurocracy
bad dreams
difficult Sudoku puzzles
yak shaving
mosquitos
jealousy
parking tickets
hazardous waste
fucking magnets
sour milk
the revival of the 1980s
warm beer
entropy
posted by mmoncur at 1:15 AM on November 19, 2010 [9 favorites]
"check engine" light blinking
disconcerting rash
middle east peace process
no flying cars
ring around the collar
Fermat's last theorem
cereal won't stay crispy in milk
missing socks
hard water
America's got talent
bitten by radioactive spider
close talkers
Canada
dead batteries
lack of bacon
industrial disease
global thermonuclear war
decreasing biodiversity
that not-so-fresh feeling
pollution
alien abductions
republicans
democrats
leaky faucets
forest fires
lost love
lost keys
lost remote control
lost souls
ingrown toenail
sinkholes
potholes
reality TV
brownouts
blackouts
dropouts
hanging chads
Philidelphia
telemarketers
the robot uprising
broken watch
broken windows
broken mirrors
broken dreams
ringing phones
ennui
identity theft
financial crisis
existential crisis
cavities
insomnia
unwatered plants
a mysterious ticking noise
bad haircuts
wikipedia arguments about notability
low bandwidth
tinnitus
teenagers
misbehaving dogs
seasonal affective disorder
mold
mildew
loud birds outside window
writer's block
a hole in the ozone layer
vampires
werewolves
the zombie apocalypse
autotune
liberal guilt
time travel paradoxes
poor service at restaurants
commercials
Edited re-releases of Star Wars films
spam
plagiarism
bedbugs
bears
sharks
Metallica
wet paint
Turing incompleteness
the yips
60 hertz hum
beaurocracy
bad dreams
difficult Sudoku puzzles
yak shaving
mosquitos
jealousy
parking tickets
hazardous waste
fucking magnets
sour milk
the revival of the 1980s
warm beer
entropy
posted by mmoncur at 1:15 AM on November 19, 2010 [9 favorites]
spiders
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:35 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:35 AM on November 19, 2010
Forgot your username/password.
Can't play Chopin's Minute Waltz under 1:30.
Got your hand stuck in a vending machine (thanks to Homer Simpson; 1:16 into the clip).
Can't open the Moka pot.
Must Write Paper But Permanently Stuck On Metafilter.
posted by Namlit at 1:50 AM on November 19, 2010
Can't play Chopin's Minute Waltz under 1:30.
Got your hand stuck in a vending machine (thanks to Homer Simpson; 1:16 into the clip).
Can't open the Moka pot.
Must Write Paper But Permanently Stuck On Metafilter.
posted by Namlit at 1:50 AM on November 19, 2010
no charge
broken umbrella
dog: messed in house, chewed expensive shoe
lost wallet
lost love
locked keys inside house/car
coffee but no milk
no hot water
old and broke
posted by thinkpiece at 2:46 AM on November 19, 2010
broken umbrella
dog: messed in house, chewed expensive shoe
lost wallet
lost love
locked keys inside house/car
coffee but no milk
no hot water
old and broke
posted by thinkpiece at 2:46 AM on November 19, 2010
you found a stray dog, but it doesn't get along with your pets, you can't find anyone to adopt it and all the no-kill shelters are currently full.
(because honestly, I don't know why a bitch can't be one of your problems)
posted by lesli212 at 2:55 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
(because honestly, I don't know why a bitch can't be one of your problems)
posted by lesli212 at 2:55 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
should i eat this
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:16 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:16 AM on November 19, 2010
(because honestly, I don't know why a bitch can't be one of your problems)
…you could probably write "Bitches" 99 times on your shirt, though while graphically interesting would be less entertaining to read than the (brilliant) answers in this AskMe.
posted by a halcyon day at 5:06 AM on November 19, 2010
…you could probably write "Bitches" 99 times on your shirt, though while graphically interesting would be less entertaining to read than the (brilliant) answers in this AskMe.
posted by a halcyon day at 5:06 AM on November 19, 2010
I've got popcorn stuck in between my molars
"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot is stuck in my head
I can't tell if it's chest pains or just gas
I looked away and I think the dog may have just licked my plate of nachos, but I'm not sure.
posted by Buffaload at 5:06 AM on November 19, 2010
"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot is stuck in my head
I can't tell if it's chest pains or just gas
I looked away and I think the dog may have just licked my plate of nachos, but I'm not sure.
posted by Buffaload at 5:06 AM on November 19, 2010
broken watch
broken windows
broken mirrors
broken dreams
All of that, and no broken arrow?
I mean, isn't John Travolta worthy of being a problem, just by himself?
posted by Ghidorah at 6:02 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
broken windows
broken mirrors
broken dreams
All of that, and no broken arrow?
I mean, isn't John Travolta worthy of being a problem, just by himself?
posted by Ghidorah at 6:02 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was thinking going the other way, and putting the word "Bitch"* in a red circle with a slash through it. Or you could put that on the back and the 99 problems on the front.
* - or if you're up for the challenge, an obviously female dog
posted by Grither at 6:35 AM on November 19, 2010
* - or if you're up for the challenge, an obviously female dog
posted by Grither at 6:35 AM on November 19, 2010
Your house is on fire, you can only take 3 things with you, how to choose between
your guitar
your weed
your laptop
your wife
posted by timsteil at 6:45 AM on November 19, 2010
your guitar
your weed
your laptop
your wife
posted by timsteil at 6:45 AM on November 19, 2010
1. Music critics.
2. Racial profiling.
3. Jail.
posted by box at 7:09 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
2. Racial profiling.
3. Jail.
posted by box at 7:09 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just wanna say that technically, 99 Problems was originally (and personally, methinks the far better, if more offensive version) by Ice-T http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/99_problems.
@ font: in Ice-T's version, I think he says "I got a man who's a bitch, because they're bitches too" but it is not entirely clear to me that he means someone of the XY persuasion.
@ halcyon: i'm surprised nobody sells that online somewhere already...
more problems:
homeostasis
it's always something
blue screen of death
ragweed
posted by bitterkitten at 8:03 AM on November 19, 2010
@ font: in Ice-T's version, I think he says "I got a man who's a bitch, because they're bitches too" but it is not entirely clear to me that he means someone of the XY persuasion.
@ halcyon: i'm surprised nobody sells that online somewhere already...
more problems:
homeostasis
it's always something
blue screen of death
ragweed
posted by bitterkitten at 8:03 AM on November 19, 2010
having too many problems
posted by ropeladder at 8:46 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by ropeladder at 8:46 AM on November 19, 2010
I fought the law, and the law won.
I shot the sheriff.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:50 AM on November 19, 2010
I shot the sheriff.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:50 AM on November 19, 2010
heartbreak of psoriasis
erection lasting longer than 4 hours
(you could get a whole giant list of medical side effects by looking up any prescription drug)
two favorite fake side effects from comedy shows: skin failure; hot dog fingers
also, idioms or proverbs
cat got my tongue
dog ate my homework
more money than sense
etc
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:01 AM on November 19, 2010
erection lasting longer than 4 hours
(you could get a whole giant list of medical side effects by looking up any prescription drug)
two favorite fake side effects from comedy shows: skin failure; hot dog fingers
also, idioms or proverbs
cat got my tongue
dog ate my homework
more money than sense
etc
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:01 AM on November 19, 2010
I got Rickroll'd.
The thrill is gone.
IMDB never uses my poll.
My baby's a chain-smoker.
I'm a victim of circumstance.
My R2 unit has a bad motivator.
My parents just don't understand.
What did I walk in here for again?
One lights goes out, they all go out!!
My mom threw away my best porno mags.
North Korea. South Korea. Marilyn Monroe.
I Asked Metafilter, and Metafilter said "No."
He called my preflop raise with 3-6 suited?!
My bosses didn't like me so they shot me into space.
I got problems I wouldn't give to a monkey on a rock.
I'm currently stuck in an elevator with a pregnant woman.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:32 AM on November 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
The thrill is gone.
IMDB never uses my poll.
My baby's a chain-smoker.
I'm a victim of circumstance.
My R2 unit has a bad motivator.
My parents just don't understand.
What did I walk in here for again?
One lights goes out, they all go out!!
My mom threw away my best porno mags.
North Korea. South Korea. Marilyn Monroe.
I Asked Metafilter, and Metafilter said "No."
He called my preflop raise with 3-6 suited?!
My bosses didn't like me so they shot me into space.
I got problems I wouldn't give to a monkey on a rock.
I'm currently stuck in an elevator with a pregnant woman.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:32 AM on November 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your suggestions. I managed to pen down 99 problems on the struggling fabric of a white tee, and the party was fun too!
posted by bjrn at 11:06 AM on December 2, 2010
posted by bjrn at 11:06 AM on December 2, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Night_owl at 11:51 PM on November 18, 2010