Incredibly difficult decision
November 14, 2010 10:07 AM Subscribe
I need to ask for advice about how to get your life back together after the sorry mess I have found myself in. Health; career; relationship; living arrangements...everything that could go wrong has and I don't seem to be able to cope with everything that's gone on. I now suffer from severe depression and have little or no support around me. What advice would you give to someone in the following situation...
Back when I was in my 20's I had just finished university and found a relatively good job in a multinational company which offered a lot of scope for advancement. Things were looking good at this point until I met someone online that lived in another country. We fell madly in love and for the next couple of years we would visit each other on numerous occasions. It came to a point where one of us had to make the move to live in the others country. At the time it made more sense for me to move as they had a job which paid considerably more than mine. It also seemed reasonable that I would be able to pick up where I started when I moved. Turns out it was more difficult than we both imagined as I didn't have any experience working in the new country.
Finally managed to get a dead end clerical job which paid poorly and had little chance of promotion. Then fell into a job in the advertising world as a production artist, which paid considerably more, however the chances of gaining promotion were/are slim to none as my formal education had no relevance. If I'm being brutally honest my creative skills alone would see me stuck in this position as I'm technically good but creatively....not so much.
Anyways during this time we got married and had a beautiful baby daughter. However when she was born there were complications which meant she had a long stay in hospital, 4 months to be precise. This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. After a year my OH left me for the cliched gym instructor! There was nothing I could do to stop this as she was having an emotional affair for months before I found out, by then it was too late, she was gone.
So to put my last year into chronological order:
November has major surgery on my knee to repair a torn ACL;
same month OH leaves me;
move out of the house in January;
lose my job in June and have remained unemployed since, with the exception of a few freelancing gigs here and there;
Have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts ever since this whole thing kicked off and yes I've been to therapy and taken medication.
One of my family members has offered me a job back in my homeland, in fact it would be a business we would run together. However this would mean leaving my daughter and seeing her once a year, maybe twice. I once thought I knew what love was until we had our daughter. She is the love of my life and it breaks my heart not to see here every day.
I'm so confused right now and don't know how to make this decision.
Back when I was in my 20's I had just finished university and found a relatively good job in a multinational company which offered a lot of scope for advancement. Things were looking good at this point until I met someone online that lived in another country. We fell madly in love and for the next couple of years we would visit each other on numerous occasions. It came to a point where one of us had to make the move to live in the others country. At the time it made more sense for me to move as they had a job which paid considerably more than mine. It also seemed reasonable that I would be able to pick up where I started when I moved. Turns out it was more difficult than we both imagined as I didn't have any experience working in the new country.
Finally managed to get a dead end clerical job which paid poorly and had little chance of promotion. Then fell into a job in the advertising world as a production artist, which paid considerably more, however the chances of gaining promotion were/are slim to none as my formal education had no relevance. If I'm being brutally honest my creative skills alone would see me stuck in this position as I'm technically good but creatively....not so much.
Anyways during this time we got married and had a beautiful baby daughter. However when she was born there were complications which meant she had a long stay in hospital, 4 months to be precise. This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. After a year my OH left me for the cliched gym instructor! There was nothing I could do to stop this as she was having an emotional affair for months before I found out, by then it was too late, she was gone.
So to put my last year into chronological order:
November has major surgery on my knee to repair a torn ACL;
same month OH leaves me;
move out of the house in January;
lose my job in June and have remained unemployed since, with the exception of a few freelancing gigs here and there;
Have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts ever since this whole thing kicked off and yes I've been to therapy and taken medication.
One of my family members has offered me a job back in my homeland, in fact it would be a business we would run together. However this would mean leaving my daughter and seeing her once a year, maybe twice. I once thought I knew what love was until we had our daughter. She is the love of my life and it breaks my heart not to see here every day.
I'm so confused right now and don't know how to make this decision.
Very tough. But listen, I'm gonna give this a shot because I too have had circumstances of Jobian proportions that I have had to live with and navigate and decide about, circumstances that felt so dark and inescapable that I too felt desperate. Without going into detail, they included death of both my parents, injury to my child, disintegrating marriage, car accident, life-altering debt and life-threatening illness and medical treatment (3x).
The love you express for your daughter is your salvation in this situation. However, you might have to endure pain and heartbreak in order to prove that love. You don't say how old you are or how old your daughter is, but you may have to manifest what I can only describe as a higher love right now, with the goal of being there for here in a more meaningful way once you have stabilized yourself. That means getting a job. It's like putting the oxygen mask on so you can breathe and get strong for your family. I don't know if the family-member thing is true or viable -- I suggest you figure out a way to visit your homeland and see the job prospect up close. Be very very serious in your analysis, and if it's not a real job with real money (this is not the time for a venture), find something else. But find something.
Put one step in front of the other with your child's face seared behind your eyeballs. Do not leave her with a legacy of loss. Just think how proud of you she will be when she is older, and understands how much you sacrificed for her.
I suggest Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart for solace, support and a help in thinking through disaster. Hope is the thing, here. Hope is power. Hope is real. You can move through this dark, and find yourself blinking in the sunlight in the not so distant future, if you have hope. Find it in your daughter's eyes. Good luck.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:57 AM on November 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
The love you express for your daughter is your salvation in this situation. However, you might have to endure pain and heartbreak in order to prove that love. You don't say how old you are or how old your daughter is, but you may have to manifest what I can only describe as a higher love right now, with the goal of being there for here in a more meaningful way once you have stabilized yourself. That means getting a job. It's like putting the oxygen mask on so you can breathe and get strong for your family. I don't know if the family-member thing is true or viable -- I suggest you figure out a way to visit your homeland and see the job prospect up close. Be very very serious in your analysis, and if it's not a real job with real money (this is not the time for a venture), find something else. But find something.
Put one step in front of the other with your child's face seared behind your eyeballs. Do not leave her with a legacy of loss. Just think how proud of you she will be when she is older, and understands how much you sacrificed for her.
I suggest Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart for solace, support and a help in thinking through disaster. Hope is the thing, here. Hope is power. Hope is real. You can move through this dark, and find yourself blinking in the sunlight in the not so distant future, if you have hope. Find it in your daughter's eyes. Good luck.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:57 AM on November 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
My first thought is the opposite - you don't have any kind of support system where you are now, and you're flailing. You won't be able to be a good father to your daughter unless you have your life and self in order, and it sounds like a change of scenery and sense of purpose (from the new job) could help immensely to get you back on your feet. (I'm not a parent, though, so grain of salt.)
posted by ella wren at 10:59 AM on November 14, 2010
posted by ella wren at 10:59 AM on November 14, 2010
I am a parent myself, and I have a cousin who grew up with his mother while his father lived in another country. (There are crucial differences between that situation and yours; my cousin's parents were never married, and in fact never had a relationship that was intended to last more than a couple of nights max.) He functionally didn't know his dad at all until he was a teenager. That relationship has been repaired now, but it took some repairing.
I, personally, would live in penury to maintain contact with my children. I know exactly what you mean. However, I think it's critical to point out that for your daughter's sake, you need to take care of yourself as much as possible; she needs and deserves an emotionally healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy parent. It may, on balance, be worth it to take a course of action that restricts your time with her now for the sake of being a better parent later.
posted by KathrynT at 11:03 AM on November 14, 2010
I, personally, would live in penury to maintain contact with my children. I know exactly what you mean. However, I think it's critical to point out that for your daughter's sake, you need to take care of yourself as much as possible; she needs and deserves an emotionally healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy parent. It may, on balance, be worth it to take a course of action that restricts your time with her now for the sake of being a better parent later.
posted by KathrynT at 11:03 AM on November 14, 2010
Are you able to do an actual job search where you are now? (where = geographically and emotionally)
Are the antidepressants and therapy working? Do you have a relationship with your therapist that is worth keeping? If not, you might want to work on that part first (that is, developing a relationship with a therapist that is helping and therefore needs to be maintained).
I'd try to keep that going, as the basis for developing to the point where you can look for a job.
I'm like others here - I would stay near the child. You don't want to regret that part later.
I'd try to strengthen myself in my current location rather than relocate to your country. If you become a business owner there you'll only see your daughter on visits for the rest of your life.
And that would be so sad for both of you.
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:23 PM on November 14, 2010
Are the antidepressants and therapy working? Do you have a relationship with your therapist that is worth keeping? If not, you might want to work on that part first (that is, developing a relationship with a therapist that is helping and therefore needs to be maintained).
I'd try to keep that going, as the basis for developing to the point where you can look for a job.
I'm like others here - I would stay near the child. You don't want to regret that part later.
I'd try to strengthen myself in my current location rather than relocate to your country. If you become a business owner there you'll only see your daughter on visits for the rest of your life.
And that would be so sad for both of you.
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:23 PM on November 14, 2010
Response by poster: to answer some of the questions. I'm 36 and my daughter is 2 1/2. Living in Canada right now and my family are all in the UK.
medication isn't working, however my therapist and I get along well. Apparently I'm suffering from general anxiety disorder, if you believe in such mental illnesses. Lost all confidence and the little self esteem I had in myself. This whole episode in my life brought up past issues that were never dealt with at the time, lost my father when I was a young lad. It seems to have all came out now and I'm trying to deal with my "daddy" issues as well.
I'm a shell of my former self, I really don't know who I am anymore or what the point of all this is. I probably put too much of my identity in my relationship with my ex. We were one of those couples that everyone envied, however after all these years I've only came to realize that she was a narcissist and I bowed to her every wish.
Therapist is encouraging me to head back to the UK for a while and try and sort my life out there. Says I'm useless to my daughter here. God knows what's right or wrong anymore. Hope.....mmmm.....wish I had some.
posted by anoi at 2:05 PM on November 14, 2010
medication isn't working, however my therapist and I get along well. Apparently I'm suffering from general anxiety disorder, if you believe in such mental illnesses. Lost all confidence and the little self esteem I had in myself. This whole episode in my life brought up past issues that were never dealt with at the time, lost my father when I was a young lad. It seems to have all came out now and I'm trying to deal with my "daddy" issues as well.
I'm a shell of my former self, I really don't know who I am anymore or what the point of all this is. I probably put too much of my identity in my relationship with my ex. We were one of those couples that everyone envied, however after all these years I've only came to realize that she was a narcissist and I bowed to her every wish.
Therapist is encouraging me to head back to the UK for a while and try and sort my life out there. Says I'm useless to my daughter here. God knows what's right or wrong anymore. Hope.....mmmm.....wish I had some.
posted by anoi at 2:05 PM on November 14, 2010
I know next to nothing about legal matters, but UK and Canada; have you spoken with a lawyer about visitation rights? I mean, would it be possible that the mother and you come to a legal agreement, via lawyers, whereby you would split visits half and half, which is to say, she or a legal (trusted, obviously) guardian could fly your daughter to the UK half the time, and you visit her the other half? I have a vague recollection of this sort of visitation agreement between French and American split parents, it should be even more feasible between Canada and the UK?
I can relate to your painful situation very much; the only difference (and it is a big one) is that I didn't have a child with my ex. I left him six years ago and am still getting back on my feet. Joblessness, illnesses, depression, freelancing, the lot of it. I stayed in the foreign country (France, I'm American) but that's in large part thanks to having a degree... in French! Canada, like any country nowadays, can be very difficult to find work as a foreigner if you're anything but an IT engineer. (Guess where I work now. In IT. Part of getting back on my feet has been going back to school this year though, and I hope to finally, finally be able to return to where my heart and talent actually are.)
Do you have a support network in Canada? Or, apart from your daughter, is everyone close to your heart back in the UK? Your answer to that would be another consideration to weigh. It's very, very hard to pull out of a depression when you have little or no loving support network physically nearby. (For instance, in my case, I grew up with an abusive family, so staying in France was a net positive for me even without close friends following the breakup.)
Say "worst"-case scenario, staying in Canada doesn't improve or, god forbid, gets worse because freelancing with depression can be hell too (been there, done that). Would you be able to return to the UK, give yourself a few years, say three or four, to a. get yourself in a situation where you're being given love too (not only giving to your daughter), b. thanks to that and therapy, deal with childhood issues and heal from your depression, c. perhaps find a way to earn credentials that would help towards a job back in Canada? Your daughter's Canadian, so you'd still be able to move back some day, right?
Honestly, I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong", you love your daughter and that's "right" no matter where you are. You'll find a way through this somehow. It does get better. Sometimes it's painfully slow, and sometimes there are setbacks that make you wish there were clearly a God so you could sock him one or at least chew him out like Job did, but it does get better.
posted by fraula at 3:37 PM on November 14, 2010
I can relate to your painful situation very much; the only difference (and it is a big one) is that I didn't have a child with my ex. I left him six years ago and am still getting back on my feet. Joblessness, illnesses, depression, freelancing, the lot of it. I stayed in the foreign country (France, I'm American) but that's in large part thanks to having a degree... in French! Canada, like any country nowadays, can be very difficult to find work as a foreigner if you're anything but an IT engineer. (Guess where I work now. In IT. Part of getting back on my feet has been going back to school this year though, and I hope to finally, finally be able to return to where my heart and talent actually are.)
Do you have a support network in Canada? Or, apart from your daughter, is everyone close to your heart back in the UK? Your answer to that would be another consideration to weigh. It's very, very hard to pull out of a depression when you have little or no loving support network physically nearby. (For instance, in my case, I grew up with an abusive family, so staying in France was a net positive for me even without close friends following the breakup.)
Say "worst"-case scenario, staying in Canada doesn't improve or, god forbid, gets worse because freelancing with depression can be hell too (been there, done that). Would you be able to return to the UK, give yourself a few years, say three or four, to a. get yourself in a situation where you're being given love too (not only giving to your daughter), b. thanks to that and therapy, deal with childhood issues and heal from your depression, c. perhaps find a way to earn credentials that would help towards a job back in Canada? Your daughter's Canadian, so you'd still be able to move back some day, right?
Honestly, I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong", you love your daughter and that's "right" no matter where you are. You'll find a way through this somehow. It does get better. Sometimes it's painfully slow, and sometimes there are setbacks that make you wish there were clearly a God so you could sock him one or at least chew him out like Job did, but it does get better.
posted by fraula at 3:37 PM on November 14, 2010
If you do go back to the UK would your ex be willing to let you have very frequent video chats with your daughter, and show her videos of you? I realize at her age she is a bit young to have real phone conversations, and of course neither those nor video chats are the same as real contact, but they are ways of maintaining a relationship, ways to for her to keep you in her memory, while you get your life back on track. Something like this can be part of a custody agreement.
A lot of us here have made it through these hellacious periods, please believe us when we say it will get better. I hope you start feeling more positive soon.
posted by mareli at 3:54 PM on November 14, 2010
A lot of us here have made it through these hellacious periods, please believe us when we say it will get better. I hope you start feeling more positive soon.
posted by mareli at 3:54 PM on November 14, 2010
And... trite as it sounds, so long as you love your daughter and do what you can to let her know, you're doing fine. Suicide would be a false solution — you wouldn't be there at all for her, ever. It would be the one certain way for her never to know her father. I can understand the ideation because I've been there too; it's tempting to think the pain would stop forever; there would be no more torturous Catch 22 decisions to make; no more painful thoughts of "how many more times will I let down people I love". But I have a friend whose mother committed suicide thinking that, and it didn't just affect him; it affected me, too, because she was someone who genuinely cared about others. It's been several years and I still miss her. I wish her good heart were still in this world. I'll never be able to tell her how her warmth helped me see that mothers could be good. Needless to say, her son didn't care about the things she felt were let-downs; he too saw her unconditional love for the treasure it was. So please don't worry about any feelings of being a failure. You're not, so long as you love.
Get yourself a good lawyer who knows her/his stuff regarding visitation, you will be able to be there for your daughter no matter which country you're in. Please stay around so that she'll have a good-hearted father as long as she can.
posted by fraula at 4:06 PM on November 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Get yourself a good lawyer who knows her/his stuff regarding visitation, you will be able to be there for your daughter no matter which country you're in. Please stay around so that she'll have a good-hearted father as long as she can.
posted by fraula at 4:06 PM on November 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The ex wife is willing to arrange skype video chat twice a week. Not the same as being with her, it was me who raised her for the first year of her life whilst my wife worked, so it will be hard not to be with her.
Thanks for all the advice. For some reason women seem to be a lot stronger than men when things like this happen. Must be something to do with pride.
posted by anoi at 12:52 PM on November 15, 2010
Thanks for all the advice. For some reason women seem to be a lot stronger than men when things like this happen. Must be something to do with pride.
posted by anoi at 12:52 PM on November 15, 2010
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posted by rubbish bin night at 10:40 AM on November 14, 2010 [1 favorite]