I don't want to be an Ambivalent Terrorist!

November 1, 2010 6:59 PM

I recently broke up with a guy and now am considering asking if he'll take me back. Thinking my way around issues of the heart never works for me. But sometimes I can't feel my way around them either.

The relationship basics: I'm female. We're both in our late 20's (I'm a few years older), we met online, dated for 3 months (seeing each other on average three nights a week), were pretty connected and intimate. About 3 weeks ago, for reasons I won't get into here, I broke things off. We're now on very good terms but have only had minimal contact since the breakup. I know that he's done some dating since and while I want him to be happy and healthy and in the kind of love he deserves, I'm scared that I'm about to lose him for real (I know, from his words, that his heart is still open to mine right now and he hasn't gotten attached to anyone new yet) and will regret it. Of course I know that him dating other women triggers my primal possessive urges. And I don't want to re-initiate anything if it's for the wrong reasons and end up hurting him (and me) more. I really care about this guy and his well being.

At the time when I broke up with him, I truly believe it was the right thing to do. Since then, some things have changed with him for the better. Now I'm scared that I'll wake up in a month, realize I lost him, and feel heartbroken. All the details of the relationship aren't necessary here. What I want to know is how YOU make decisions when it comes to love.

Have you ever struggled with lack of clarity, ambivalence, confusion in your love life? Ever not been sure if you should stay with someone or get back together with them? What helped you to get clear and not have regrets? How do you make decisions when it comes to love and partnership? Thanks in advance!

posted by tacoma1 to Human Relations (19 answers total)

"About 3 weeks ago, for reasons I won't get into here, I broke things off."

It's going to be really difficult for us to give relevant, useful advice without this information.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:04 PM on November 1, 2010 [11 favorites]

About 3 weeks ago, for reasons I won't get into here, I broke things off.

We do need to know this. It will likely define every answer we give you.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:18 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

i'm hearing the possessiveness motivation to get back together but i'm not hearing the i'm-in-love-with-him motivation. +1 don't do it.
posted by facetious at 7:20 PM on November 1, 2010

Best answer: Now I'm scared that I'll wake up in a month, realize I lost him, and feel heartbroken.

...I know that him dating other women triggers my primal possessive urges.

Regardless of why you broke up, don't get back together if the main reason is fear. If you want him back, make sure it's him, warts and all, you want back. Don't let fear and possessiveness force you into a situation you don't need to be in.

Other than that? For every breakup reason you can give, there can be a different answer. We don't need all the details, but we do need something to go on.
posted by griphus at 7:21 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Regardless of why you broke up, don't get back together if the main reason is fear.

This. There can be good reasons to break up, and good reasons to get back together. Just being afraid of seeing your ex with a new person isn't enough, on its own. Have the problems or issues been dealt with? Are you confident that things now will be different and better?
posted by Forktine at 7:26 PM on November 1, 2010

Even without knowing the reasons for the breakup, I would consider this, if I were you: you were together for only 3 months, and now that he is dating other people, you want him back. Couldn't it just be an "I don't want him but you can't have him!" jealous urge kicking in? That's pretty natural, and understandable, but it doesn't mean you should get back together.

I say just give it more time.
posted by misha at 7:29 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

...I know that him dating other women triggers my primal possessive urges.

Possessive? After three months? Oh girl. You need to let this one go and do some soul searching.

Now I'm scared that I'll wake up in a month, realize I lost him, and feel heartbroken.

You also may wake up in a month and feel incredibly grateful knowing you made the right decision. The only way to be sure though... is to wait a month.
posted by hermitosis at 7:30 PM on November 1, 2010

Response by poster: Okay, you're right: a few more details. I guess the deal breaker for me was that I felt there was some lack of congruence between what was going on inside him emotionally and what he was aware was going on inside him. For example, he has had some depression and anxiety that he hasn't really faced yet but maybe is now starting to. He kept on using his external situation as an excuse for why he was feeling certain ways, sounding pretty negative about his life's possibilities, and all that was bothering me.

Since the break up he's started to see a therapist, which is huge. I recommended this therapist and while we were together he wasn't against going but he hadn't quite put forth enough effort to make it happen. Since breaking up, in addition to seeing the therapist, he's been reaching out to more people around him. I think he felt more emotionally open and connected with me than in the past and in a way he's taking that openness out into the rest of his life now.

When we hung out the other day, the only time post-break up, he seemed solid, more aware of his feelings and able to express them, generally positive, and I felt how I always feel around him when he's in a good space. I felt calm, grounded, in my body, cared for, seen. We can laugh together, have lots of fun, be very intimate physically. The only other thing I ever wondered about was if we had enough of a certain kind of connection that I want/need in a partnership. I know that's very vague. And with him I guess I mostly worried it was lacking in the conversational/perception arena. It's important to know, though, that this kind of ambivalence has always come up for me in relationships. Really, in all relationships where the other person was available and wanted to be with me I've battled this confusion and love-ambivalence. And I always wonder: might I one day be with someone where, despite questions, I feel sure that I want to be with them long term OR will this doubt always plague me?
posted by tacoma1 at 7:40 PM on November 1, 2010

Actually, I don't think the reasons are all that important. You say something important changed in a matter of weeks. That's rather silly. It's hard for me to imagine anything substantial enough to warrant breaking off a "connected and intimate" relationship changing meaningfully in just a few weeks.

Either you're being naive about whatever this change was or you are simply moving hash marks from one column to the next because you want to hedge yourself against making a mistake or feeling pangs of regret.

Neither one is a very good foundation for a solid relationship. Let this dude go. Either you're not ready or he's not.

If you want puzzle out your ambivalence, start looking at what it's protecting. Hint: it's not making the wrong choice - that's where you start, not where you end.
posted by space_cookie at 7:51 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Mod note: comment removed - if you do not hate this web site do not start snarky shit - email the OP or use constructive language to explain what you are talking about
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:03 PM on November 1, 2010

Best answer: Really, in all relationships where the other person was available and wanted to be with me I've battled this confusion and love-ambivalence. And I always wonder: might I one day be with someone where, despite questions, I feel sure that I want to be with them long term OR will this doubt always plague me?

Have you ever struggled with lack of clarity, ambivalence, confusion in your love life?

This is the standard state of love life. Become OK with it. The world never provides us answers, we must answer the questions ourselves. This is about you becoming comfortable about that.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:13 PM on November 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You say something important changed in a matter of weeks. That's rather silly. It's hard for me to imagine anything substantial enough to warrant breaking off a "connected and intimate" relationship changing meaningfully in just a few weeks.

Yeah, that's the thing- real change takes time. And it's two steps forward, one (or more!) steps back. The guy you broke up with- he's going to be that guy again someday. And a whole bunch of other guys you haven't even met yet, since it's only been about 4 months you've known him. If you take him back, you have to be ready and willing for him to be who he is. If you're already sure you don't like a big part of him, it might be best to let him go.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:22 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I say ask him back out. Tell him what you said here- you're not sure it'll be perfect but because you care for him and value your connection, you'd like to try again. Either he wants to try again, too, and you're golden, or he doesn't and now you know. Ultimately it might not work out, but he's a grownup- you're responsible for being honest and treating him decently, not for protecting his feelings. As long as you're honest and kind, you might as well chase what you want. It's ok if your mind (or his) changes later; that happens in relationships all the time anyway. Just try your best, that's all you can do.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:35 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

All good advice so far, the only thing I'd add is a recommendation for "The Shape of Things."
posted by rhizome at 9:47 PM on November 1, 2010

Looking at this from the information given (and of course, I'm sure there's an ocean of stuff that we don't know), it seems like this is the story:

you and he dated for about three months, you weren't happy and broke it off 3 weeks ago, he began dating other people, you recently went out with him, had a nice time and now you're second-guessing yourself as to whether breaking up was the right thing to do.

Here's my perspective (and I'd like to thank everyone here who gave me relationship advice that took 6 months to get through my thick brain): if after 3 months in ANY relationship you're not really "feeling it," it's probably best to listen to that little inner voice and just move on. Don't over-complicate it by maintaining contact with him for now; just chalk it up to "it didn't work out for us" and let go.

That feeling of "I like him but..." is completely normal, I think, and sometimes the "I like him" part wants to yell the loudest when really, you should be listening to the much-quieter-more-probably-more-honest-and-accurate"...but..." part.
posted by dzaz at 2:55 AM on November 2, 2010

Response by poster: Thank you all for the advice. It's much appreciated, especially that which was said in a respectful way. But I realize I can't afford to be too sensitive when I post a personal, emotional question to a public advice forum. One thing I'd like to add is that, while I agree it's unlikely much could change in 3 weeks, the thing that felt/feels potentially significant to me is that he went into therapy. I'm a strong believer in the transformative power of therapy with a good clinician.

Again, thanks.
posted by tacoma1 at 6:41 AM on November 2, 2010

Best answer: The fastest way to get him to quit going to therapy is to take him back now, before it's had a chance to become an established (and genuinely constructive) habit in his life. People tend to want to avoid scrutinizing certain aspects of their life, so if he feels like everything's "all fixed" -- at least, fixed enough to bring you back around -- he is going to at first start missing or cancelling appointments and then stop going altogether. Until six months down the line, when you get to repeat this whole dance all over again.
posted by hermitosis at 7:16 AM on November 2, 2010

the thing that felt/feels potentially significant to me is that he went into therapy. I'm a strong believer in the transformative power of therapy with a good clinician.

Yeah, but see, you can't go into a relationship with the expectation that somebody is going to change. Particularly when your complaint about him is both enormously vague and odd, and a little presumptive ("lack of congruence between what was going on inside him emotionally and what he was aware was going on inside him"). To me, your complaints bespeak not really liking his personality or clicking with him; you can't hope to premise a relationship on changing how someone relates his emotions to the world. That's just fundamental.

I think this is all really about you -- why do you feel like you need to micromanage other's emotional states in order to feel ok with them?
posted by yarly at 8:32 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Agree to meet in six months and see how you both feel. He'll have had enough time in therapy, you'll be able to parse out the possessiveness from the true feelings and you can start again, but better. Maybe.
posted by thinkpiece at 7:01 AM on November 4, 2010