She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
October 26, 2010 8:04 AM Subscribe
Please give me your best 1-2 line puns.
I got an e-mail forward with about 25 1-2 line puns. I have started sending a pun a day from this list to my husband, but I'm running out! I've been through the wonderful Tom Swifty thread, but that's not quite what I'm looking for.
Here's an example from the email I received: The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Can you think of (or direct me to) any more puns that are like this?
I got an e-mail forward with about 25 1-2 line puns. I have started sending a pun a day from this list to my husband, but I'm running out! I've been through the wonderful Tom Swifty thread, but that's not quite what I'm looking for.
Here's an example from the email I received: The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Can you think of (or direct me to) any more puns that are like this?
I got all these in an email--probably a lot of doubles with yours (and some of them aren't even puns). I know some great longer ones if you're interested (ask me about Amol and Juan).
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
posted by phunniemee at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2010 [15 favorites]
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
posted by phunniemee at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2010 [15 favorites]
"My stars - it's full of dogs!" - Climactic line from "2001 Dalmations"
posted by jbickers at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by jbickers at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Here's a great bibliography of sources for puns and shaggy dog jokes--you might find these at, or request them from, your local library.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:26 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:26 AM on October 26, 2010
I once entered 10 of my favorites in a contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
posted by JMOZ at 8:29 AM on October 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by JMOZ at 8:29 AM on October 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
I've also just now discovered the Pun of the Day.
"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me."
"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time."
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:30 AM on October 26, 2010
"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me."
"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time."
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:30 AM on October 26, 2010
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese.
Never gets old.
posted by halseyaa at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Never gets old.
posted by halseyaa at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would say be done with it and buy Tim Vines 'The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book'
To give you a flavour of the pun King Mr Vine's opus:
This bloke said to me, he said I'm the brother of Rover Phoenix. I said you must be Joaquin.
I met a grumpy American. He was a Missouri guts.
I just got a text from Heaven. That was a Godsend.
I fell in love with a clumsy cleaner. She swept me off my feet.
Frozen apples. They're hardcore.
posted by numberstation at 8:59 AM on October 26, 2010
To give you a flavour of the pun King Mr Vine's opus:
This bloke said to me, he said I'm the brother of Rover Phoenix. I said you must be Joaquin.
I met a grumpy American. He was a Missouri guts.
I just got a text from Heaven. That was a Godsend.
I fell in love with a clumsy cleaner. She swept me off my feet.
Frozen apples. They're hardcore.
posted by numberstation at 8:59 AM on October 26, 2010
The legislature overwhelmingly passed a bill against sadonecrobestiality. The bill's opponents protested, but in the end they were just beating a dead horse.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:03 AM on October 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:03 AM on October 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. "The usual?" asks the batman. "I think not." replies Descartes, before promptly disappearing.
posted by Biru at 9:26 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Biru at 9:26 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
posted by Biru at 9:41 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by Biru at 9:41 AM on October 26, 2010
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The man who swallowed a quarter? No change yet.
The man who swallowed a table spoon? Hasn't stirred since.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:57 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
The man who swallowed a quarter? No change yet.
The man who swallowed a table spoon? Hasn't stirred since.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:57 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Did you hear about that contortionist from The Philippines? The Manila Folder.
A caretaker of elephants had a very public blog which defamed the manufacturer of the Grand Vitara SUV. They filed a lawsuit for libel; the headlines read, "Suzuki Sues Zookeep."
posted by Shohn at 10:13 AM on October 26, 2010
A caretaker of elephants had a very public blog which defamed the manufacturer of the Grand Vitara SUV. They filed a lawsuit for libel; the headlines read, "Suzuki Sues Zookeep."
posted by Shohn at 10:13 AM on October 26, 2010
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:21 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:21 AM on October 26, 2010
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing but you say your mother.
Don't pick a fight with a breathmint – it's probably menthol.
Don't pick a fight with a green piece of tarmac - it's most likely a cyclepath.
posted by dudekiller at 10:27 AM on October 26, 2010
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing but you say your mother.
Don't pick a fight with a breathmint – it's probably menthol.
Don't pick a fight with a green piece of tarmac - it's most likely a cyclepath.
posted by dudekiller at 10:27 AM on October 26, 2010
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
What is Mary short for?
She's just got little legs.
posted by soelo at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
A stick
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
What is Mary short for?
She's just got little legs.
posted by soelo at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No eye-deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye-deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?
A. Still no fucking eye-deer.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:50 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
A. No eye-deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye-deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?
A. Still no fucking eye-deer.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:50 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
You should all be punished and sent to the punitentiary.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:58 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:58 AM on October 26, 2010
Most miners prefer to use picks, because if they used drills it would be boring.
posted by Lorc at 11:17 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Lorc at 11:17 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Someone stole my mood ring yesterday and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
posted by mikepop at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by mikepop at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
posted by oreofuchi at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by oreofuchi at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for his birthday? He felt his presents!
posted by mikepop at 11:26 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by mikepop at 11:26 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
When he finally starts to complain, you should remind him that punishment begins with pun.
posted by rhiannonstone at 11:27 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rhiannonstone at 11:27 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?
Dam.
posted by chicago2penn at 11:38 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Dam.
posted by chicago2penn at 11:38 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
what do you call a nosy pepper? jalepeno business (all up en yo)
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 12:11 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 12:11 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Man: "Doctor, I can't seem to get the 'Green Green Grass of Home' song out of my mind."
Doc: "That's what we call the Tom Jones Syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doc: "It's not unusual."
posted by monospace at 12:22 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Doc: "That's what we call the Tom Jones Syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doc: "It's not unusual."
posted by monospace at 12:22 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.
posted by Biru at 12:24 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Biru at 12:24 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: This is one of those "impossible to mark best answer" kind of situations, because these are all wonderful!
Thanks especially MonkeyToes and not_on_display for the links- pure heaven. And thanks phunniemee for the list- there was a little crossover from my e-mail, but you had a lot of new (to me) ones. Oh, and EndsOfInvention and numberstation- I am downloading the Tim Vine book right now. I had never heard of him, but I have a big ol crush now!
rhiannonstone: "When he finally starts to complain, you should remind him that punishment begins with pun." He was probably tired of it from day one. But he promised "for better or worse" and I'm holding him to it. :)
posted by dogmom at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2010
Thanks especially MonkeyToes and not_on_display for the links- pure heaven. And thanks phunniemee for the list- there was a little crossover from my e-mail, but you had a lot of new (to me) ones. Oh, and EndsOfInvention and numberstation- I am downloading the Tim Vine book right now. I had never heard of him, but I have a big ol crush now!
rhiannonstone: "When he finally starts to complain, you should remind him that punishment begins with pun." He was probably tired of it from day one. But he promised "for better or worse" and I'm holding him to it. :)
posted by dogmom at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2010
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
posted by amyms at 1:34 PM on October 26, 2010
To get to the other slide.
posted by amyms at 1:34 PM on October 26, 2010
I enjoyed this thread, which is similar: what are some short jokes I can send to my wife via text message?
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:49 PM on October 26, 2010
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:49 PM on October 26, 2010
What does Snoop Dog use to do his laundry?
Blee-yach
posted by dismitree at 2:56 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Blee-yach
posted by dismitree at 2:56 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
Dictator
What do you call a guy who just ate his Mother-in-Law?
Gladiator
A Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
Also, here are some more Punny Bar Jokes.
posted by a.steele at 5:08 PM on October 26, 2010
Dictator
What do you call a guy who just ate his Mother-in-Law?
Gladiator
A Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
Also, here are some more Punny Bar Jokes.
posted by a.steele at 5:08 PM on October 26, 2010
"Sorry, no pun today. I'm more tired than an 18-wheeler."
posted by estlin at 5:11 PM on October 26, 2010
posted by estlin at 5:11 PM on October 26, 2010
Oh, wait, I just remembered that the way I heard it was:
Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here."
Way funnier.
posted by a.steele at 5:15 PM on October 26, 2010
Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here."
Way funnier.
posted by a.steele at 5:15 PM on October 26, 2010
Why did the farmer plough his field with a steam roller?
S/He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
Whats green, long, and has four wheels?
A cucumber car.
posted by jcwilliams at 5:20 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
S/He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
Whats green, long, and has four wheels?
A cucumber car.
posted by jcwilliams at 5:20 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This girl approached me earlier and said she recognised me from the Vegetarian club. I was confused - I'd never seen herbivore.
posted by dirm at 7:41 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by dirm at 7:41 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
One more:
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.
posted by dismitree at 8:25 PM on October 26, 2010
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.
posted by dismitree at 8:25 PM on October 26, 2010
dismitree: "What does Snoop Dog use to do his laundry?
Blee-yach"
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
posted by JMOZ at 5:53 AM on October 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
Blee-yach"
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
posted by JMOZ at 5:53 AM on October 27, 2010 [4 favorites]
Q: Why are duck relationships hard to understand?
A: It's a pair-o'-ducks.
posted by WalkingAround at 8:59 AM on October 27, 2010
A: It's a pair-o'-ducks.
posted by WalkingAround at 8:59 AM on October 27, 2010
A man walks into a bar. (Ouch.)
A baby seal walks into a club.
posted by heatherann at 10:47 AM on October 27, 2010
A baby seal walks into a club.
posted by heatherann at 10:47 AM on October 27, 2010
You HAVE to follow JMOZ's Snoop Dog joke with
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre.
posted by Jezebella at 9:26 PM on October 27, 2010
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre.
posted by Jezebella at 9:26 PM on October 27, 2010
Someone challenged Dorothy Parker to use "horticulture" in a sentence once. She said, "You can bring a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
posted by Diablevert at 12:00 PM on October 28, 2010
posted by Diablevert at 12:00 PM on October 28, 2010
Went to a terrible zoo the other day, the only animal there was one tiny dog.
It was a shit zoo.
posted by penguin pie at 8:03 AM on October 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
It was a shit zoo.
posted by penguin pie at 8:03 AM on October 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
posted by Rinku at 8:15 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Rinku at 8:15 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ina democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count who votes.
posted by rasputin400 at 1:01 PM on November 6, 2010
posted by rasputin400 at 1:01 PM on November 6, 2010
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So I was driving through the country the other day and I saw these cows rubbing their knees on the tarmac. "What are they doing?" I asked my friend. "Grazing", he said.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:09 AM on October 26, 2010