Advice about a girl who recently admitted she has liked me, but also recently left an engagement
October 26, 2010 7:49 AM Subscribe
I meet girl, like her, but she is engaged. We spend time together at a party, she admits afterwards via text message that she has had feelings for me for a while. I find out her relationship is more complicated then it seems. What do?
Over the past 14 months or so, I've (undergraduate sophomore) gotten to know pretty well a girl (undergrad junior) whom I live near (college dorm situation, not so close that it becomes a huge issue), and we have become pretty good friends. I've always had a bit of a thing on her, but never thought much of it, as she was engaged to her high school boyfriend.
A few days ago, at a party that we both went to, we were talking and hanging out, which progressed to dancing, and we walked each other home, but not more than that. (I was fairly drunk, she less so). The same night, we were talking over text message and she, almost out of the blue, said "I'm frustrated because i've liked you since I met you, but haven't been able to say so to you in person."
I find out the next day that her relationship with her high school sweetheart had been on the rocks for a few months prior to this, and then (through facebook, of all things) that her relationship status was currently "single." I honestly don't know how long this has been the case, but suspect not long.
I'd like to date her, and there's a concert this weekend that I've been looking for someone to go with me to. My question is this: would it even be appropriate for me to ask her if she wanted to come with? On one hand, she sent me that text message (and we danced together somewhat intimately at another party the next night, but we haven't had a straightforward talk about what happened). On the other hand, she very recently left a long-term, very-committed relationship.
Advice much appreciated.
Over the past 14 months or so, I've (undergraduate sophomore) gotten to know pretty well a girl (undergrad junior) whom I live near (college dorm situation, not so close that it becomes a huge issue), and we have become pretty good friends. I've always had a bit of a thing on her, but never thought much of it, as she was engaged to her high school boyfriend.
A few days ago, at a party that we both went to, we were talking and hanging out, which progressed to dancing, and we walked each other home, but not more than that. (I was fairly drunk, she less so). The same night, we were talking over text message and she, almost out of the blue, said "I'm frustrated because i've liked you since I met you, but haven't been able to say so to you in person."
I find out the next day that her relationship with her high school sweetheart had been on the rocks for a few months prior to this, and then (through facebook, of all things) that her relationship status was currently "single." I honestly don't know how long this has been the case, but suspect not long.
I'd like to date her, and there's a concert this weekend that I've been looking for someone to go with me to. My question is this: would it even be appropriate for me to ask her if she wanted to come with? On one hand, she sent me that text message (and we danced together somewhat intimately at another party the next night, but we haven't had a straightforward talk about what happened). On the other hand, she very recently left a long-term, very-committed relationship.
Advice much appreciated.
Sure, ask her to the concert. Have fun. But don't get too wrapped up in this girl until you have a clearer picture on what's going on with the other guy. She might not be as single as you think.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:53 AM on October 26, 2010 [17 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:53 AM on October 26, 2010 [17 favorites]
Since you are a "friend" and she seems to be "single" why dont you ask her out to the concern in a friendly manner and judge her vibe from there? While you are there you can clear out the relationship status and posture yourself as an overall cool guy....however, and this is a biggie, she may need sometime for herself now that she has gotten out of her long term so ask yourself if you are willing to wait around (it is also a very strong possibility that she may get back with her man)
posted by The1andonly at 7:54 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by The1andonly at 7:54 AM on October 26, 2010
I think you should ask her. As a friend or whatever it is you are. Don't pin all your hopes and dreams on her, but my experience with college romances is that if you put the brakes on, you'll lose all momentum and guarantee that nothing will ever happen. She may have a change of heart and marry high school guy, but at least you gave it a shot.
posted by purpleclover at 7:57 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by purpleclover at 7:57 AM on October 26, 2010
Yeah, totally take a friend to a concert--that's always fun. However, I'd definitely not get involved with her (or get my hopes up, etc.) until she has clarified her own situation and clearly and definitively broken off her engagement. Unengaged people have a way of getting re-engaged, and there can be all sorts of sticky situations with friends, family (that's the bum she left good ol' Jimmy for, grar!). That's just drama no one needs in their lives.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:59 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:59 AM on October 26, 2010
From my experience, no relationship is ever serious with 18-20 year olds in college. Go nuts, but be prepared for her to not completely let go of the other guy either.
BTW asking her to the concert is completely fine in a platonic way even if you decide that you don't want to get into a love triangle. You can still be firends if you want to and feel you could handle the situation which would undoubtedly have some sexual tensions at times.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:00 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
BTW asking her to the concert is completely fine in a platonic way even if you decide that you don't want to get into a love triangle. You can still be firends if you want to and feel you could handle the situation which would undoubtedly have some sexual tensions at times.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:00 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I were you, and if I really cared about my chances of ever having something more than friends in a meaningful and long-lasting way with this girl, I would immediately set myself the challenge of staying friends with her, and NOTHING MORE, for as long as possible.
Do whatever you gotta do, but if you want to not be her rebound guy, her "I've had such a great time but my head is so messed up right now I don't think I can do this for a while" after two weeks guy, then just concentrate all your energy on being a great friend to her, hanging out with her but keeping your boundaries firm, and then when she has had the time to really-and-truly move on from this other guy, then make your move.
It might take a gargantuan effort to not do what your heart (and whatever else) is telling you to do, but you'll be a better person for it, and have better chances in the long run!
posted by greenish at 8:00 AM on October 26, 2010
Do whatever you gotta do, but if you want to not be her rebound guy, her "I've had such a great time but my head is so messed up right now I don't think I can do this for a while" after two weeks guy, then just concentrate all your energy on being a great friend to her, hanging out with her but keeping your boundaries firm, and then when she has had the time to really-and-truly move on from this other guy, then make your move.
It might take a gargantuan effort to not do what your heart (and whatever else) is telling you to do, but you'll be a better person for it, and have better chances in the long run!
posted by greenish at 8:00 AM on October 26, 2010
Yeah i'd say go for it. you must be waht 20 yrs old. chances are in this day and age you are not goign to marry - and what was she thinking getting engaged to a HighSchool Sweet heart. Who does that these days?
I say go for it. Don't overthink it. If it doesn't work out big deal - thats what your 20s are for. Fooling around and having some fun. if you get hurt - so what - its character building .
posted by mary8nne at 8:00 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I say go for it. Don't overthink it. If it doesn't work out big deal - thats what your 20s are for. Fooling around and having some fun. if you get hurt - so what - its character building .
posted by mary8nne at 8:00 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, she very recently left a long-term, very-committed relationship.
And, as these things go, there is a pretty good -- but not absolute, high school sweethearts don't tend to last through college -- chance of her having a "I've made a huge mistake" moment and entering right back into it in a week or a month or however long and for however long. Hang out, have fun, maybe even screw if you can both handle it, but don't start thinking of her as your One and Only.
posted by griphus at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2010
And, as these things go, there is a pretty good -- but not absolute, high school sweethearts don't tend to last through college -- chance of her having a "I've made a huge mistake" moment and entering right back into it in a week or a month or however long and for however long. Hang out, have fun, maybe even screw if you can both handle it, but don't start thinking of her as your One and Only.
posted by griphus at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2010
Go as friends, dont pull anything until she's definitely single and that ring is off her finger
posted by soss at 8:03 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by soss at 8:03 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ask her to the show in a low-key manner and see what happens. She already knows you like her, so give her the space to decide how she wants to move forward.
Let her set the tone of your interaction to a point, but try and keep from getting pulled into too deep too quickly. If you have any kind of long-term interest in this girl, you'll be better served if you take things REALLY SLOWLY. Then she'll think back to how gentlemanly you were when you first started dating, as opposed to complaining to her friends about how you took advantage when she was going through a rough time.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:03 AM on October 26, 2010
Let her set the tone of your interaction to a point, but try and keep from getting pulled into too deep too quickly. If you have any kind of long-term interest in this girl, you'll be better served if you take things REALLY SLOWLY. Then she'll think back to how gentlemanly you were when you first started dating, as opposed to complaining to her friends about how you took advantage when she was going through a rough time.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:03 AM on October 26, 2010
Ask her to the concert and expect nothing. Just see where the wind takes you.
You like her, she likes you. Who knows where the wind blows? But you sometimes have to fly with it.
posted by inturnaround at 8:05 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
You like her, she likes you. Who knows where the wind blows? But you sometimes have to fly with it.
posted by inturnaround at 8:05 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
If she's recently said she likes you, and it's obvious you like her, then asking her out to the concert is basically a date. Unless you ask her to go specifically "as friends", which will of course be understood as a rejection on her end.
If she is presenting herself publicly as single, I don't see any problem with taking her up on that. Naturally you'll want to keep your romantic expectations at bay until you've come to understand -- from what she does as well as what she says -- where her head is at.
posted by hermitosis at 8:11 AM on October 26, 2010
If she is presenting herself publicly as single, I don't see any problem with taking her up on that. Naturally you'll want to keep your romantic expectations at bay until you've come to understand -- from what she does as well as what she says -- where her head is at.
posted by hermitosis at 8:11 AM on October 26, 2010
Is she engaged or is she single?
If she's engaged, then this is inappropriate.
If she's FOR SURE single (you need to find out clearly), then it's "appropriate" and you can certainly ask away. She's already indicated interest, which is more encouragement than most guys get!
The caveat being: just because it's socially appropriate doesn't mean it's a good time, especially if you actually want a meaningful or long-term relationship. She's probably emotionally shaky, may be on the rebound, may drop you like a hot potato to get back with the HS sweetheart a month later, etc. Ideally you want the other person to be in a good place emotionally, which few people just out of a LTR are going to be.
But I do tend towards the "you're young, take chances, etc" frame of mind on this. So: go for it.
posted by alleycat01 at 8:14 AM on October 26, 2010
If she's engaged, then this is inappropriate.
If she's FOR SURE single (you need to find out clearly), then it's "appropriate" and you can certainly ask away. She's already indicated interest, which is more encouragement than most guys get!
The caveat being: just because it's socially appropriate doesn't mean it's a good time, especially if you actually want a meaningful or long-term relationship. She's probably emotionally shaky, may be on the rebound, may drop you like a hot potato to get back with the HS sweetheart a month later, etc. Ideally you want the other person to be in a good place emotionally, which few people just out of a LTR are going to be.
But I do tend towards the "you're young, take chances, etc" frame of mind on this. So: go for it.
posted by alleycat01 at 8:14 AM on October 26, 2010
I'm not sure if the members of Metafilter live in the real world, but a guy and a girl, esp. when one has told the other about certain "feelings", do not go to a concert "platonically." Can not do so. You want to open that can of worms, and why not, then do the concert. But know what you're doing.
posted by xmutex at 8:21 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by xmutex at 8:21 AM on October 26, 2010
This is one of those things where I have an opinion but I don't really care that much. You're probably going to ask her out and she's likely going to say yes but...
I think you need to make sure her current status is "single", right now she's probably a mess of emotions so while you might possibly hook up at the show your relationship is likely going to be a bit rocky for a while.
I'd try to give it a few weeks to let the dust settle on her old relationship a bit.
posted by bitdamaged at 8:27 AM on October 26, 2010
I think you need to make sure her current status is "single", right now she's probably a mess of emotions so while you might possibly hook up at the show your relationship is likely going to be a bit rocky for a while.
I'd try to give it a few weeks to let the dust settle on her old relationship a bit.
posted by bitdamaged at 8:27 AM on October 26, 2010
Make sure she has completely gotten out of the previous relationship, that she is not engaged, that it is broken off, whatever - and that her (ostensible) ex is aware of all of this.
If she is, then go for it, but be aware that rebound things don't tend to work out in the long term.
If she isn't, then don't. It will be very hard not to and you'll be tempted but believe me: That's a mess you don't want to be any part of.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:36 AM on October 26, 2010
If she is, then go for it, but be aware that rebound things don't tend to work out in the long term.
If she isn't, then don't. It will be very hard not to and you'll be tempted but believe me: That's a mess you don't want to be any part of.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:36 AM on October 26, 2010
My question is this: would it even be appropriate for me to ask her if she wanted to come with?
No, it's pretty low class to move so aggressively on someone who (presumably) just broke up with their long-time relationship and fiancé. A high school relationship falling apart in grad school is hardly surprising but a high school relationship that makes it to grad school is not some trivial thing. The fact that you are already friends makes it more complicated, not less so: if you ask her out with romantic intentions but are not making that clear you are being deceptive.
What you have right now is a drunk text and a Facebook status. The signs are positive, but this is not exactly definitive. Next phase is in-person, not drunk conversation where you are sympathetic, understanding, and cognizant that immediately launching into another relationship might not be in her best interest. On the other hand, she stated feelings for you and it's fair to let her know that you are open to them: if you ignore what she texted she may get the false impression you are not interested, and it is fair game to preemptively block some potential other ill-considered rebound hookup by making it clear in a low-key way that you are up for it when she is. Your relationship, if it happens, will have a lot better chance of succeeding if you give her what time she needs to deal with the fallout of the one that (presumably) just ended.
posted by nanojath at 8:45 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
No, it's pretty low class to move so aggressively on someone who (presumably) just broke up with their long-time relationship and fiancé. A high school relationship falling apart in grad school is hardly surprising but a high school relationship that makes it to grad school is not some trivial thing. The fact that you are already friends makes it more complicated, not less so: if you ask her out with romantic intentions but are not making that clear you are being deceptive.
What you have right now is a drunk text and a Facebook status. The signs are positive, but this is not exactly definitive. Next phase is in-person, not drunk conversation where you are sympathetic, understanding, and cognizant that immediately launching into another relationship might not be in her best interest. On the other hand, she stated feelings for you and it's fair to let her know that you are open to them: if you ignore what she texted she may get the false impression you are not interested, and it is fair game to preemptively block some potential other ill-considered rebound hookup by making it clear in a low-key way that you are up for it when she is. Your relationship, if it happens, will have a lot better chance of succeeding if you give her what time she needs to deal with the fallout of the one that (presumably) just ended.
posted by nanojath at 8:45 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Dude just go for it. See, that was easy.
(OK, none of us know her emotional situation. Maybe she's a mess. Maybe her engagement has been on the rocks for months and she finally made the step to end it because you're just that awesome. You can respond to her very clear invitation and find out, or you can waste time consulting us Internet Relationship Experts and working out the percentages and risks.
But here's the thing. Most relationships, at least before everyone becomes old and jaded and wary, are going to be awesome and also end up in trainwrecks. It's not a question of risk, it's a damn near guarantee.
If you graduate college and can proudly say that your heart hasn't been broken once, nor have you broken anyone elses...that doesn't mean you won, it means you didn't even fucking ante up.)
posted by a young man in spats at 8:48 AM on October 26, 2010
(OK, none of us know her emotional situation. Maybe she's a mess. Maybe her engagement has been on the rocks for months and she finally made the step to end it because you're just that awesome. You can respond to her very clear invitation and find out, or you can waste time consulting us Internet Relationship Experts and working out the percentages and risks.
But here's the thing. Most relationships, at least before everyone becomes old and jaded and wary, are going to be awesome and also end up in trainwrecks. It's not a question of risk, it's a damn near guarantee.
If you graduate college and can proudly say that your heart hasn't been broken once, nor have you broken anyone elses...that doesn't mean you won, it means you didn't even fucking ante up.)
posted by a young man in spats at 8:48 AM on October 26, 2010
I've always been more of the opinion that its up to the supposedly "Engaged" party to draw the line.
You can flirt, be a little suggestive perhaps, a bit of inuendo is always a good way to test the waters as to her single / engaged status. You should be able to get to the bottom of it with a well timed joke / suggestion without coming across as pushy or heavy at all.
posted by mary8nne at 9:02 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
You can flirt, be a little suggestive perhaps, a bit of inuendo is always a good way to test the waters as to her single / engaged status. You should be able to get to the bottom of it with a well timed joke / suggestion without coming across as pushy or heavy at all.
posted by mary8nne at 9:02 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Tell her you saw her relationship status was set to single. It's not like she didn't know that this change would be seen, including by you. If things are going the way you want them to that is all it will take to get her talking about it. The question is pointed no matter how you slice it but it only becomes pushy if she is reticent about the details and you don't respect that and back off from inquiry.
posted by nanojath at 9:10 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by nanojath at 9:10 AM on October 26, 2010
Been there, done that. Summary of events in haiku:
She was uncertain.
An Elephant in the room!
Now we have split up.
Yeah... There are just too many question marks and too many ways for it to go wrong. However, if you're a resilient chap who is skilled at spinning plates on canes whilst building houses of cards...
Yeah I'm being sarcastic again. Don't do it.
posted by Biru at 9:34 AM on October 26, 2010
She was uncertain.
An Elephant in the room!
Now we have split up.
Yeah... There are just too many question marks and too many ways for it to go wrong. However, if you're a resilient chap who is skilled at spinning plates on canes whilst building houses of cards...
Yeah I'm being sarcastic again. Don't do it.
posted by Biru at 9:34 AM on October 26, 2010
I would see if she was interested in going with you to the concert, but wouldn't phrase it like SO YOU ARE SINGLE HUH LET'S DATE!!! Just be like, "hey, got this concert going on, want to go?" and then hang out. While you are hanging at this concert, if she did want to go, you can ask general questions about how she's been and what she's been up to. Either she'll mention it, in which case, now you know, or she won't, in which case, she probably doesn't want to tell you. Don't fish for details; this may be a really tumultuous time for her and she may be unsure what she wants.
Caveat: don't pull any romantic date-y stuff at all until A: she tells you she is single and B: you can be reasonably sure that she is not just in rebound limbo. If she is as awesome as you say you can wait for awhile until she's ready to date again. Breaking off an engagement can be terrible.
posted by amicamentis at 9:40 AM on October 26, 2010
Caveat: don't pull any romantic date-y stuff at all until A: she tells you she is single and B: you can be reasonably sure that she is not just in rebound limbo. If she is as awesome as you say you can wait for awhile until she's ready to date again. Breaking off an engagement can be terrible.
posted by amicamentis at 9:40 AM on October 26, 2010
she admits afterwards via text message that she has had feelings for me for a while.
If she's liked you for a while, then she'll be willing to wait a little longer. So, holler back and let her know you like her as well, but given how recently she ended her high school relationship, you want to take it slow -- how about hanging out at a concert this weekend, catching up over coffee, and seeing how well you two get along?
posted by davejay at 10:18 AM on October 26, 2010
If she's liked you for a while, then she'll be willing to wait a little longer. So, holler back and let her know you like her as well, but given how recently she ended her high school relationship, you want to take it slow -- how about hanging out at a concert this weekend, catching up over coffee, and seeing how well you two get along?
posted by davejay at 10:18 AM on October 26, 2010
I think you're safe in inviting her to a concert, if you phrase it in such a way that it indicates it's a "let's get together as friends, it would be more fun not to go to a concert alone" type of deal. If she accepts, definitely find a point in the conversation during the evening to ask her "So, what's up with you and Fiance? I noticed your Facebook status...." A word of warning: I know girl who has been married for 12 years and has two kids. Every time she has a fight with her husband she changes her Facebook status to "single" - apparently that's her way of taunting or scaring him or something. So don't take your friend's "single" status as gospel until you talk to her in person.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:29 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:29 AM on October 26, 2010
I realize I might be in the minority here, but NO.
Just NO.
There seems to be so many moving parts behind the scenes that are unclear that I think you are really just going to make things worse.
And by worse, I mean invite this drama, like a vampire, over your doorstep and you'll never get it to leave.
Just changing your status on Facebook in my world doesn't mean shit. People can change that like they change their mind or underwear.
If you have confirmation from at least three other parties that she has given the ring back, she has cut off all hope of reconciliation with her fiance', that it's been a few weeks since the fireworks, THEN you should ask her out to coffee, just to test the waters and see where she is on the crazy-meter.
Until then, stay your distance.
posted by willmize at 10:39 AM on October 26, 2010
Just NO.
There seems to be so many moving parts behind the scenes that are unclear that I think you are really just going to make things worse.
And by worse, I mean invite this drama, like a vampire, over your doorstep and you'll never get it to leave.
Just changing your status on Facebook in my world doesn't mean shit. People can change that like they change their mind or underwear.
If you have confirmation from at least three other parties that she has given the ring back, she has cut off all hope of reconciliation with her fiance', that it's been a few weeks since the fireworks, THEN you should ask her out to coffee, just to test the waters and see where she is on the crazy-meter.
Until then, stay your distance.
posted by willmize at 10:39 AM on October 26, 2010
She has let you know she likes you, and has publicly declared herself as "single" -- go ahead, ask her to go with you, with your own intention of having fun, no matter the "outcome" of what goes on between you two. Chances are, you'll have the opportunity to further discuss her text to you in person, and will be able to collect real data as far as where she stands on her own single-ness and her now-ex--thus shedding light and freeing you from having to rely on info that you'd, up until then, constructed in your own inner dialogues. You'll have a much better idea after the evening concludes whether there's a chance that you two should/could/will end up "dating."
But most of all, enjoy the concert.
posted by not_on_display at 10:41 AM on October 26, 2010
But most of all, enjoy the concert.
posted by not_on_display at 10:41 AM on October 26, 2010
She's a jumble right now, and she'll continue being a jumble for the next while. It's up to her to sort out her jumble, no matter what signals she is sending you to do it for her.
So there's that, and I assume you don't want to be the rebound.
I'd take it easy for the next while, be around but not, you know, around constantly, and when she clears up her current situation and the inevitable rebound after, and the messes following both of those -- then step in.
I would play the long-term game. But given that you're both still pretty young (no offense), maybe the short-term game is more what you all had in mind. And there's nothing wrong with that, either.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:48 AM on October 26, 2010
So there's that, and I assume you don't want to be the rebound.
I'd take it easy for the next while, be around but not, you know, around constantly, and when she clears up her current situation and the inevitable rebound after, and the messes following both of those -- then step in.
I would play the long-term game. But given that you're both still pretty young (no offense), maybe the short-term game is more what you all had in mind. And there's nothing wrong with that, either.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:48 AM on October 26, 2010
"She's a jumble right now, and she'll continue being a jumble for the next while. It's up to her to sort out her jumble, no matter what signals she is sending you to do it for her."
--Capt. Renault
I don't think you should presume she's all in a jumble, even though it is a possiblity. It's also possible that, while at college, she has slowly drifted away from her high-school sweetie, that they've each grown in separate directions, and that she's been thinking about that on her own for a while, has finally decided that she's ready to move on. Not all break-ups are at the spur-of-the-moment.
posted by not_on_display at 10:54 AM on October 26, 2010
--Capt. Renault
I don't think you should presume she's all in a jumble, even though it is a possiblity. It's also possible that, while at college, she has slowly drifted away from her high-school sweetie, that they've each grown in separate directions, and that she's been thinking about that on her own for a while, has finally decided that she's ready to move on. Not all break-ups are at the spur-of-the-moment.
posted by not_on_display at 10:54 AM on October 26, 2010
and she, almost out of the blue, said "I'm frustrated because i've liked you since I met you, but haven't been able to say so to you in person."
Nobody says stuff like that out of the blue. People say stuff like that after thinking about saying it in their heads for weeks and months, letting it eat away at them until they can't handle the stress of not saying anything, until "Oh drat, I can't believe I said that! I am so ashamed of myself!"
I'd say you're in the clear.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:56 AM on October 26, 2010
Nobody says stuff like that out of the blue. People say stuff like that after thinking about saying it in their heads for weeks and months, letting it eat away at them until they can't handle the stress of not saying anything, until "Oh drat, I can't believe I said that! I am so ashamed of myself!"
I'd say you're in the clear.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:56 AM on October 26, 2010
The untaken shot always misses.
posted by phoebus at 11:43 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by phoebus at 11:43 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
My standard advice in a situation like this is to tell you to run away.
But then I thought back to when I met this girl and started to date her, and found out from someone who knew her that she was "engaged." That was in 1982. We've been married since 1984.
So.... you're on your own here. That's all you're gettin' outta me.
posted by Doohickie at 12:15 PM on October 26, 2010
But then I thought back to when I met this girl and started to date her, and found out from someone who knew her that she was "engaged." That was in 1982. We've been married since 1984.
So.... you're on your own here. That's all you're gettin' outta me.
posted by Doohickie at 12:15 PM on October 26, 2010
> I'd like to date her, and there's a concert this weekend that I've been looking for someone to go with me to. My question is this: would it even be appropriate for me to ask her if she wanted to come with?
Yes, it would.
Re-read the text message... as she surely expects you to.
Let's put it this way:
If you got so frustrated that you sent that message to someone... and that person didn't act on it... would you feel honored or rejected?
posted by darth_tedious at 12:16 PM on October 26, 2010
Yes, it would.
Re-read the text message... as she surely expects you to.
Let's put it this way:
If you got so frustrated that you sent that message to someone... and that person didn't act on it... would you feel honored or rejected?
posted by darth_tedious at 12:16 PM on October 26, 2010
Metafilter's pretty good at saying 'stay away!' from situations that are potentially dramatic. And yeah, if you go out with her then there might be rebound issues, or ex-fiance issues, or whatever. Most relationships don't last, and this may well be one of them.
You know what, though? If you don't take this chance to be with a girl you've liked for years, you'll always be wondering whether or not it would have worked. Maybe it'll end in disaster, and maybe in five years you'll be back here telling someone 'don't do it, I tried it and it was a mess', but this isn't someone you can just pass over and forget out. I say go for it. If it's a lesson in what to avoid in future, then it'll be one well learned. Fingers crossed though, it'll be something much more.
As for how to talk about it, I'd invite her out with a text and say 'funny you say that about being frustrated. I've felt precisely the same way for way too long. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow :)', or something equally casual. She likes you, you like her - no need to turn it into a plate of beans just yet.
posted by twirlypen at 12:58 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know what, though? If you don't take this chance to be with a girl you've liked for years, you'll always be wondering whether or not it would have worked. Maybe it'll end in disaster, and maybe in five years you'll be back here telling someone 'don't do it, I tried it and it was a mess', but this isn't someone you can just pass over and forget out. I say go for it. If it's a lesson in what to avoid in future, then it'll be one well learned. Fingers crossed though, it'll be something much more.
As for how to talk about it, I'd invite her out with a text and say 'funny you say that about being frustrated. I've felt precisely the same way for way too long. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow :)', or something equally casual. She likes you, you like her - no need to turn it into a plate of beans just yet.
posted by twirlypen at 12:58 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
There's a good chance this is going to turn into a dramatic mess at some point. Do it anyway! You have to get the dramatic messes out of the way so you can learn to have adult relationships, and that's what college is for. So, don't expect to marry this girl some day, but by all means ask her to a concert. And, given what you both know about each other, a simple, "hey, you're not still engaged, are you?" would not be out of line at all.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:06 PM on October 26, 2010
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:06 PM on October 26, 2010
Don't play games. I hate games.
"Hey look I just want to be straight with you. You sent me that text message... I dig you. Can you tell me what the deal is with this guy? I'd like to see where things could go with us but I just don't want to cross any lines..."
Put the ball back in her court. Cuz she most definitely passed you the ball.
posted by mittenbex at 9:49 PM on October 26, 2010
"Hey look I just want to be straight with you. You sent me that text message... I dig you. Can you tell me what the deal is with this guy? I'd like to see where things could go with us but I just don't want to cross any lines..."
Put the ball back in her court. Cuz she most definitely passed you the ball.
posted by mittenbex at 9:49 PM on October 26, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you're really interested in her, I'd push her to make a choice (delicately but firmly). Go from there.
posted by Hurst at 7:53 AM on October 26, 2010