I have a boyfriend but I like another guy.
September 20, 2010 1:08 AM Subscribe
Cue in cliche drama: I have a great boyfriend but a guy I had chased after earlier this year is still hanging in my heart because he only half-rejected me.
The lowdown:
Early on this year I met a guy (We'll call him Jake) that I really fell hard for. We spent some nights together (Just hugging, nothing else) every here and then and at one point I asked him if he liked me since he already knew I liked him (I didn't really hide it). He said he did, but he wasn't interested in a relationship at the moment -- I understood that because of his previous boyfriends sometimes being too clingy that he currently enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to someone about every action he takes. A few months later I asked again, and he gave me the same reply.
In the meantime, since Jake wasn't showing any signs of budging, I began to feel lonely again and developed a crush on another guy (We'll call him Jonathan), whom I eventually ended up dating. I was really happy at first, but then he began to become depressed and extremely needy, and after a few weeks I began to feel like I was having trouble liking Jonathan because I felt like I was constantly taking care of him and not getting anything back from him. It wasn't that Jonathan didn't like me, but it just felt like immense pressure to make him happy. I was acting happier than I actually felt sometimes and giving up my time when what I really wanted to do was just relax all so I could cheer him up from his constant bad moods.
Then one day I'm hanging out with Jake and find out he just started dating someone else. If I didn't realize I still liked him by then, I certainly did at that moment: after an hour of hanging out drinking with him and his boyfriend I had to take a break; I walked outside, cried, and punched a wall and injured my hand somewhat. I wondered why Jake told me he liked me but never picked me, but then at that point I already left Jake for Jonathan so I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I began feeling like the biggest asshole in the world and that Jonathan deserved someone who appreciated him more than I did.
So now I'm stuck in this situation where I like my boyfriend enough to not want to break up with him (He treats me very well, but it's true that I feel he doesn't really understand me a lot of times), but at the same time I feel like the biggest asshole because many times I wonder if I like Jake more than him. I'm also scared to leave him because of his depressive moods, he used to cut and his confidence has been seemingly returning as of late and I'd feel awful if I destroyed that. I don't know what to do...I love both of them and I want them to be happy. But I feel like I'm killing myself slowly for their sakes.
I should mention that even if I somehow broke up with Jonathan, I still don't intend to go for Jake unless he decides to break up with his boyfriend. I want him to choose who he wants naturally, not pressure him into making choices. Aside from that, I consider his boyfriend to be a good friend of mine too. The main thing is just that I feel really guilty about Jonathan at the moment. He's always so sweet to me and I really do like him, just...apparently, not as much as someone else.
I know I have to stop this...but I don't know whether to walk left or right.
The lowdown:
Early on this year I met a guy (We'll call him Jake) that I really fell hard for. We spent some nights together (Just hugging, nothing else) every here and then and at one point I asked him if he liked me since he already knew I liked him (I didn't really hide it). He said he did, but he wasn't interested in a relationship at the moment -- I understood that because of his previous boyfriends sometimes being too clingy that he currently enjoyed his freedom and not having to answer to someone about every action he takes. A few months later I asked again, and he gave me the same reply.
In the meantime, since Jake wasn't showing any signs of budging, I began to feel lonely again and developed a crush on another guy (We'll call him Jonathan), whom I eventually ended up dating. I was really happy at first, but then he began to become depressed and extremely needy, and after a few weeks I began to feel like I was having trouble liking Jonathan because I felt like I was constantly taking care of him and not getting anything back from him. It wasn't that Jonathan didn't like me, but it just felt like immense pressure to make him happy. I was acting happier than I actually felt sometimes and giving up my time when what I really wanted to do was just relax all so I could cheer him up from his constant bad moods.
Then one day I'm hanging out with Jake and find out he just started dating someone else. If I didn't realize I still liked him by then, I certainly did at that moment: after an hour of hanging out drinking with him and his boyfriend I had to take a break; I walked outside, cried, and punched a wall and injured my hand somewhat. I wondered why Jake told me he liked me but never picked me, but then at that point I already left Jake for Jonathan so I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I began feeling like the biggest asshole in the world and that Jonathan deserved someone who appreciated him more than I did.
So now I'm stuck in this situation where I like my boyfriend enough to not want to break up with him (He treats me very well, but it's true that I feel he doesn't really understand me a lot of times), but at the same time I feel like the biggest asshole because many times I wonder if I like Jake more than him. I'm also scared to leave him because of his depressive moods, he used to cut and his confidence has been seemingly returning as of late and I'd feel awful if I destroyed that. I don't know what to do...I love both of them and I want them to be happy. But I feel like I'm killing myself slowly for their sakes.
I should mention that even if I somehow broke up with Jonathan, I still don't intend to go for Jake unless he decides to break up with his boyfriend. I want him to choose who he wants naturally, not pressure him into making choices. Aside from that, I consider his boyfriend to be a good friend of mine too. The main thing is just that I feel really guilty about Jonathan at the moment. He's always so sweet to me and I really do like him, just...apparently, not as much as someone else.
I know I have to stop this...but I don't know whether to walk left or right.
that Jonathan deserved someone who appreciated him more than I did.
Conversely, you deserve someone who appreciates you more than Jonathan did. I'm sure Jonathan's not a bad guy. He just wasn't feeling a connection. Meanwhile, is it possible Jake became so needy after those first few weeks because he realized you may like someone else and are only partway into the relationship? Is it possible that you current relationship is somewhat resembling your not-relationship with Jonathan --- except you are Jonathan and Jake is you? You don't say much about Jake, but you liked him well enough to start dating him. But did he stand a chance up against your feelings for Jonathan?
but I don't know whether to walk left or right.
I don't think any direction but away matters. Walk away from Jonathan. Get another good cry in, and then figure out if you are with Jake because you want to be with Jake, if you are with Jake because he wants to be with you, or if you are with Jake because you want to be with someone. If the second or third, then you need to do what Jonathan did for you and let him go.
posted by zizzle at 3:07 AM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Conversely, you deserve someone who appreciates you more than Jonathan did. I'm sure Jonathan's not a bad guy. He just wasn't feeling a connection. Meanwhile, is it possible Jake became so needy after those first few weeks because he realized you may like someone else and are only partway into the relationship? Is it possible that you current relationship is somewhat resembling your not-relationship with Jonathan --- except you are Jonathan and Jake is you? You don't say much about Jake, but you liked him well enough to start dating him. But did he stand a chance up against your feelings for Jonathan?
but I don't know whether to walk left or right.
I don't think any direction but away matters. Walk away from Jonathan. Get another good cry in, and then figure out if you are with Jake because you want to be with Jake, if you are with Jake because he wants to be with you, or if you are with Jake because you want to be with someone. If the second or third, then you need to do what Jonathan did for you and let him go.
posted by zizzle at 3:07 AM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Forget Jake for a second. It sounds like you've got doubts about your relationship with Jonathan. Try to work through those without bringing your feelings for this other guy into the picture. If Jonathan isn't the right guy for you, you owe it to yourself and him to walk away. But don't use Jake as the excuse, it sounds like he's not available anyway.
posted by londonmark at 3:09 AM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by londonmark at 3:09 AM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Apart from having her jonathans and jakes crossed, zizzle's advice is good.
posted by flabdablet at 3:28 AM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 3:28 AM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: You've got that right london. The truth is that Jonathan is simply too clingy to me sometimes, or at least that's how I feel. I'm generally a very laid-back person and when we're spending time alone at my house he always wants me in close proximity and paying attention to him, even when I've already spent hours with him and I might just want to unwind and surf the internet or watch tv or something.
I feel like every time we just finished having a good time together, whether it's right after we came home from biking or having just finished having a nice meal together and maybe some x-rated stuff or whatnot, I want to just relax and unwind and he just wants me to keep hugging him and talking to him for eternity. I love spending time with him but it's just way too much for me and it feels like no matter how I try to say it he doesn't understand. I've lightly brought it up a few times before but if I do then he begins to worry that I don't like him. Which is slowly becoming true because honestly, he's really draining me when he gets clingy.
I guess to sum it up, he's a really passionate guy and I guess I'm not. He wants me to be as passionate to him but it's just not in my personality, so if I attempt to it really drains me. This is my first serious relationship, but before I've always imagined myself having a pretty relaxed relationship with the person I'd be with. I thought we'd connect through doing things together, like writing a song together or going on a trip somewhere. I didn't think we'd try to connect by hugging each other for hours on end instead.
posted by formaltide at 3:32 AM on September 20, 2010
I feel like every time we just finished having a good time together, whether it's right after we came home from biking or having just finished having a nice meal together and maybe some x-rated stuff or whatnot, I want to just relax and unwind and he just wants me to keep hugging him and talking to him for eternity. I love spending time with him but it's just way too much for me and it feels like no matter how I try to say it he doesn't understand. I've lightly brought it up a few times before but if I do then he begins to worry that I don't like him. Which is slowly becoming true because honestly, he's really draining me when he gets clingy.
I guess to sum it up, he's a really passionate guy and I guess I'm not. He wants me to be as passionate to him but it's just not in my personality, so if I attempt to it really drains me. This is my first serious relationship, but before I've always imagined myself having a pretty relaxed relationship with the person I'd be with. I thought we'd connect through doing things together, like writing a song together or going on a trip somewhere. I didn't think we'd try to connect by hugging each other for hours on end instead.
posted by formaltide at 3:32 AM on September 20, 2010
Response by poster: On another note, as for Jake, I don't think he ever really let me down lightly. He's the one that came after me in the first place. I think it just hurts because he never actually said, "No", it was more like a "maybe, gotta think about it first." And then without really saying yes or no he suddenly just pops up with a boyfriend one day. Not that I can blame him, since I left him before that for my current boy...but geez, it still hurts.
posted by formaltide at 3:34 AM on September 20, 2010
posted by formaltide at 3:34 AM on September 20, 2010
Half rejected is still rejected.
Relationships are not glasses of milk, I know, but one of these guys is a full glass of milk and the other is (at very best) a half glass. Why are you sitting around pondering whether that glass is half full or half empty?
posted by bilabial at 4:16 AM on September 20, 2010
Relationships are not glasses of milk, I know, but one of these guys is a full glass of milk and the other is (at very best) a half glass. Why are you sitting around pondering whether that glass is half full or half empty?
posted by bilabial at 4:16 AM on September 20, 2010
Best answer: formaltide said: "I ... punched a wall and injured my hand somewhat"
You need to get a grip on yourself. Having this intense kind of emotions isn't good for you. It's causing you to physically hurt yourself.
Jake is not in the picture. He's not interested in you. Whether or not you're interested in him doesn't matter. You asked twice and he made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Forget about him. Walk away from him and have nothing to do with him until you can just be friends without any kind of subtext or romantic feelings on your part at all. he has rejected you, you just don't want to accept it because he didn't do it the way you wanted him to. You and he are not getting together.
Your relationship with Jonathan is what you need to focus on. If you aren't happy, then you need to communicate that to him. If he can't handle that and exacerbates the situation, you need to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Whatever you decide, though, you are not responsible for Jonathan's state of mind. The only person responsible for that is Jonathan. If he goes off the rails because you break up with him, that it not your fault. Don't stay with him to be his caregiver. Tell him how you feel and see how he handles that. If he can't handle it at all, then you have to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't prepared to compromise.
posted by Solomon at 4:18 AM on September 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need to get a grip on yourself. Having this intense kind of emotions isn't good for you. It's causing you to physically hurt yourself.
Jake is not in the picture. He's not interested in you. Whether or not you're interested in him doesn't matter. You asked twice and he made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Forget about him. Walk away from him and have nothing to do with him until you can just be friends without any kind of subtext or romantic feelings on your part at all. he has rejected you, you just don't want to accept it because he didn't do it the way you wanted him to. You and he are not getting together.
Your relationship with Jonathan is what you need to focus on. If you aren't happy, then you need to communicate that to him. If he can't handle that and exacerbates the situation, you need to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Whatever you decide, though, you are not responsible for Jonathan's state of mind. The only person responsible for that is Jonathan. If he goes off the rails because you break up with him, that it not your fault. Don't stay with him to be his caregiver. Tell him how you feel and see how he handles that. If he can't handle it at all, then you have to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't prepared to compromise.
posted by Solomon at 4:18 AM on September 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh man. I totally glossed over how needy jonathon is.
He's not a full glass of milk either.
Go find a guy who's into you 100% and can show you that in the way you need.
posted by bilabial at 4:19 AM on September 20, 2010
He's not a full glass of milk either.
Go find a guy who's into you 100% and can show you that in the way you need.
posted by bilabial at 4:19 AM on September 20, 2010
after an hour of hanging out drinking with him and his boyfriend I had to take a break; I walked outside, cried, and punched a wall and injured my hand somewhat.
This is not normal behaviour. I'm not normally one of the "go to therapy" crowd, but in this instance, maybe you need to work on yourself for a bit.
posted by modernnomad at 4:25 AM on September 20, 2010
This is not normal behaviour. I'm not normally one of the "go to therapy" crowd, but in this instance, maybe you need to work on yourself for a bit.
posted by modernnomad at 4:25 AM on September 20, 2010
"I'm not interested in a relationship right now" is frequently an ass-covering way of saying "I'm not interested in a relationship with you." Especially when they're dating someone else within a few months. My guess is that Jake wanted to spare your feelings in the short run, not realizing it would lead to more grief in the long run. Don't go digging for a final answer with Jake; the more you dig, the more likely it's going to be "no, and don't ever contact me again." It's a shitty situation to be in, but the sooner you extricate yourself the less shitty it will be.
As for Jonathan... he's not making you happy, he's draining you, you don't exactly click. You're tired of being his only source of support, and you shouldn't be, anyway. And he keeps leaning more and more on you - the uncharitable intepretation is that he's doing this so it'll make it harder for you to leave him, but it's probably more that he doesn't know where else to look for support. This is another shitty situation that will be less shitty, for both of you, the sooner you end it.
Walk away from both of them, and spend some time learning how to be alone. If you can be truly happy when you're single, you will be a better person in relationships.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:45 AM on September 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
As for Jonathan... he's not making you happy, he's draining you, you don't exactly click. You're tired of being his only source of support, and you shouldn't be, anyway. And he keeps leaning more and more on you - the uncharitable intepretation is that he's doing this so it'll make it harder for you to leave him, but it's probably more that he doesn't know where else to look for support. This is another shitty situation that will be less shitty, for both of you, the sooner you end it.
Walk away from both of them, and spend some time learning how to be alone. If you can be truly happy when you're single, you will be a better person in relationships.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:45 AM on September 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
These are not your two options. Mr. Hard to Get and Mr. Hard to Get a Moment Away From are both very unbalanced points on the relationship spectrum, and both of them demand way too much attention to them at your own emotional expense. Keep looking. I promise you that there are sexy, fascinating, honest guys who don't need to selfishly feed on your heart and mind to prop themselves up.
posted by taz at 4:58 AM on September 20, 2010
posted by taz at 4:58 AM on September 20, 2010
Ah, the hardest person to forget - someone who is partially interested in you, but not enough to date you apparently. Jake did reject you. Someone who is truly interested in dating you will not hesitate to make their intentions clear (like you did for him). And the crappy part is that his excuse, "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now", fell through the moment he showed up with another guy, making it feel like a lie. Do what you should do regarding any person who you find yourself obsessing over with romantic feelings that aren't reciprocated - stay away, and let it pass. Don't cause yourself anxiety over something futile.
posted by lizbunny at 6:21 AM on September 20, 2010
posted by lizbunny at 6:21 AM on September 20, 2010
Best answer: Yes, my apologies about the name thing. I thought I had double checked that.
The point is, you can't have a relationship with one foot out the door, and I do really wonder if Jonathan is picking up on that. He may be so into you that his constant neediness is a sign of, "I want you to know how much I like you so maybe you'll like me as much as I like you."
It may be he's a needy person, or it may be he's a more emotionally expressive person. It's hard to say. You say, "he's a really passionate guy and I guess I'm not," but punching a wall after hanging out with someone you like who doesn't like you is an (unhealthy) expression of passionate feelings. You do indeed have it in you. But you need to a) get a grip and b) figure out if you just don't have it for Jonathan.
It may be best for you to not be in a relationship right now. It seems you probably should follow Metroid's Baby advice and be yourself with yourself. And it's not fair to Jonathan to stay with him if you're not really there. And it doesn't sound like you are.
posted by zizzle at 6:25 AM on September 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
The point is, you can't have a relationship with one foot out the door, and I do really wonder if Jonathan is picking up on that. He may be so into you that his constant neediness is a sign of, "I want you to know how much I like you so maybe you'll like me as much as I like you."
It may be he's a needy person, or it may be he's a more emotionally expressive person. It's hard to say. You say, "he's a really passionate guy and I guess I'm not," but punching a wall after hanging out with someone you like who doesn't like you is an (unhealthy) expression of passionate feelings. You do indeed have it in you. But you need to a) get a grip and b) figure out if you just don't have it for Jonathan.
It may be best for you to not be in a relationship right now. It seems you probably should follow Metroid's Baby advice and be yourself with yourself. And it's not fair to Jonathan to stay with him if you're not really there. And it doesn't sound like you are.
posted by zizzle at 6:25 AM on September 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
then at that point I already left Jake for Jonathan
since I left him before that for my current boy
How did you leave someone that you weren't with in the first place?
Basically I agree with Solomon that you need to understand not only that you and Jake aren't getting together, but that you weren't ever together. You have assigned all sorts of unwarranted meaning to the time you spent with Jake (as little more than friends, after all). He's not an ex where you might be wondering "what could have been."
I know that's harsh, and I'm sorry. I spent way too much time in that state in my younger years and I wish someone had come along and slapped me out of it.
posted by cabingirl at 6:36 AM on September 20, 2010
since I left him before that for my current boy
How did you leave someone that you weren't with in the first place?
Basically I agree with Solomon that you need to understand not only that you and Jake aren't getting together, but that you weren't ever together. You have assigned all sorts of unwarranted meaning to the time you spent with Jake (as little more than friends, after all). He's not an ex where you might be wondering "what could have been."
I know that's harsh, and I'm sorry. I spent way too much time in that state in my younger years and I wish someone had come along and slapped me out of it.
posted by cabingirl at 6:36 AM on September 20, 2010
I think it just hurts because he never actually said, "No", it was more like a "maybe, gotta think about it first." And then without really saying yes or no he suddenly just pops up with a boyfriend one day.
Actually, without him really saying yes or now, YOU'RE the one who suddenly just popped up with a boyfriend one day. What did you expect Jake to do at that point??
So now I'm stuck in this situation where I like my boyfriend enough to not want to break up with him... I'm also scared to leave him because of his depressive moods...
Honestly I think you are just terrified of being alone, because I don't know very many people who would resign themselves to going through the motions of being in a relationship even if they feel they're ultimately incompatible, or who would make up elaborate excuses to stay with someone that they don't seem the be very interested in. And the people I DO know who would do that are terrified of being alone, and would rather be in a not-very-good relationship than no relationship.
posted by hermitosis at 7:09 AM on September 20, 2010
Actually, without him really saying yes or now, YOU'RE the one who suddenly just popped up with a boyfriend one day. What did you expect Jake to do at that point??
So now I'm stuck in this situation where I like my boyfriend enough to not want to break up with him... I'm also scared to leave him because of his depressive moods...
Honestly I think you are just terrified of being alone, because I don't know very many people who would resign themselves to going through the motions of being in a relationship even if they feel they're ultimately incompatible, or who would make up elaborate excuses to stay with someone that they don't seem the be very interested in. And the people I DO know who would do that are terrified of being alone, and would rather be in a not-very-good relationship than no relationship.
posted by hermitosis at 7:09 AM on September 20, 2010
So now I'm stuck in this situation where I like my boyfriend enough to not want to break up with him (He treats me very well, but it's true that I feel he doesn't really understand me a lot of times),
None of us can tell you what to do. The decision is for you to make. But we can give you some things to think about.
The idea I think is most important to think about is respect for others. Respect, especially, for Jonathan. If Jonathan is not providing for your needs, you need to break up with him. Although I don't know from your question, it appears you've agreed to some sort of monogamy or at least emotional monogamy with this guy. And it sounds like this isn't working for you. Respecting that promise is important. It is plenty OK to break up with Jonathan to go after the other guy, but while you are getting emotional/sexual/whatever from a guy you promised some sort of fidelity (emotionally or sexually), then you should respect the promise. If you feel the promise isn't for you, then ask to be released from it instead of thinking of this other dude all of the time.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:04 AM on September 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
None of us can tell you what to do. The decision is for you to make. But we can give you some things to think about.
The idea I think is most important to think about is respect for others. Respect, especially, for Jonathan. If Jonathan is not providing for your needs, you need to break up with him. Although I don't know from your question, it appears you've agreed to some sort of monogamy or at least emotional monogamy with this guy. And it sounds like this isn't working for you. Respecting that promise is important. It is plenty OK to break up with Jonathan to go after the other guy, but while you are getting emotional/sexual/whatever from a guy you promised some sort of fidelity (emotionally or sexually), then you should respect the promise. If you feel the promise isn't for you, then ask to be released from it instead of thinking of this other dude all of the time.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:04 AM on September 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the replies. It's just very difficult for me because I moved here in the recent year and Jake is the person who got me started on my social life, pulled me out of my 10-year depression, and a lot of other things really. I guess it's just difficult for me to imagine life without him even as just a friend, but perhaps it's just a decision I may have to make. Love is never easy to walk away from, after all -- if love wasn't that strong, then it wouldn't matter to us.
As for Jonathan, perhaps I'm making him sound worse than he is. Sometimes he does drain me but I'd say more than 90% of the time I really enjoy being with him. He's cute, has a very fun sense of humor, and a great sense of fashion which I always love to hear him talk about. He actually began dating someone else the same day I decided to ask him out -- but they broke up after a few months, and I liked him enough to allow him to make his own decision about that and never told him I liked him until a short while after.
Your comments are great things to consider. Some of you have pointed out the advantages of leaving both of them, and some of you have pointed out that I need to think harder about my current relationship because there's obviously some disparity between what I want and what my bf may want. Guess we need to do some talking.
posted by formaltide at 11:45 AM on September 20, 2010
As for Jonathan, perhaps I'm making him sound worse than he is. Sometimes he does drain me but I'd say more than 90% of the time I really enjoy being with him. He's cute, has a very fun sense of humor, and a great sense of fashion which I always love to hear him talk about. He actually began dating someone else the same day I decided to ask him out -- but they broke up after a few months, and I liked him enough to allow him to make his own decision about that and never told him I liked him until a short while after.
Your comments are great things to consider. Some of you have pointed out the advantages of leaving both of them, and some of you have pointed out that I need to think harder about my current relationship because there's obviously some disparity between what I want and what my bf may want. Guess we need to do some talking.
posted by formaltide at 11:45 AM on September 20, 2010
So, wait, you "spent some nights together" with Jake in some almost-platonic-but-with-implied-and-probably-real-erotic-charge-hugging, you—quite reasonably—inquired as to what was going on and wanting more, and he put you in a holding pattern? And then these nights may or may not have continued (not sure on this one), and you obviously had some reason to steel yourself up to ask again what was going on, only to be put back in this no-but-maybe-maybe-later holding pattern thing? Allow me to extrapolate from very little information in case this is a helpful perspective but, damned if it doesn't read to me that he was leading you on for some sort of emotional gratification. It sounds like he has some weird stuff going on personally—I read that description and thought, "Oh, honey, get away from him, he's got some issues." If "no," he should have said "no." If "yes," he should have said "yes." Waggling on this issue without much elaboration seems cruel and either conflicted or manipulative on his part. And, I mean, twice? If he was a good friend, it seems as though by the second time at least he could have given you some closure.
From how you described you felt after finding out that Jake was in fact in a relationship, it seems like you might need some time to mourn your time with Jake (that both was and wasn't erotically oriented in some confusing way, it seems from your question). Consider spending some time away from Jake and his boyfriend—if Jake is worth your time, I think he should understand your need for space. As for Jonathan, I do think it might be good to question to yourself why you entered into that relationship, and make sure that you can commit to him to the same degree you were willing to commit to Jake. If you feel you're leading him on, don't lead him on as I feel you might have been, ok?
posted by Keter at 12:02 PM on September 20, 2010
From how you described you felt after finding out that Jake was in fact in a relationship, it seems like you might need some time to mourn your time with Jake (that both was and wasn't erotically oriented in some confusing way, it seems from your question). Consider spending some time away from Jake and his boyfriend—if Jake is worth your time, I think he should understand your need for space. As for Jonathan, I do think it might be good to question to yourself why you entered into that relationship, and make sure that you can commit to him to the same degree you were willing to commit to Jake. If you feel you're leading him on, don't lead him on as I feel you might have been, ok?
posted by Keter at 12:02 PM on September 20, 2010
Jake is the person who got me started on my social life, pulled me out of my 10-year depression, and a lot of other things really
Understanding that you did those things yourself is the first step to figuring these things out.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:54 PM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Understanding that you did those things yourself is the first step to figuring these things out.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:54 PM on September 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
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posted by flabdablet at 2:45 AM on September 20, 2010