Help me help myself
September 14, 2010 6:44 PM Subscribe
Asking graduate program office for a leave of absence. Embarrassed. Help!
I was accepted into a very intensive professional Masters program last year. The program is very structured and inflexible and generally does not grant a leave of absence for any reason. If they grant a leave, it is for an entire year.
Last year, I was able to get one of their extremely rare (like 1 - 2 per year) leaves of absence due to a psychological condition verified by my doctor and the disability office.
The program administrator has been really nice to me over the past year, calling to check on me, making sure I had everything I need to come back... and I told her yes, I'm on track and I'm ready to come back.
The problem is that I don't think I really am. I'd really rather wait another year... but not at the price of possibly blowing my admission to this very competitive program. I *might* be okay this year, but I would really prefer more time to work on myself, get stabilized, etc. I want to do inpatient psychological treatment, which my doctor supports.
Feelings: Basically, I'm embarrassed to tell her that I need another year. Terrified that I'll lose my admission. Thinking that if I get inpatient psychiatric treatment, they will have no choice but to let me take another year -- and I could really use the treatment too. Sometimes I'm at the end of my rope, sometimes I'm okay.
I've talked with my doctor and he says would support me whichever choice I made. I talked to the disability office and they say that they will back me up (with a note from my doctor), but that I have to talk to the administrator first.
According to the handbook, the program has a theoretical maximum 2-year leave, so I could take another year if they let me. The program starts very soon and I'm going through the motions of orientation, etc. because I'm not sure what to do. I look pretty normal on the outside, and she's seen me at graduate events.
I'm terrified to make contact with her. She seems like a very nice person, but I feel so guilty about already taking one leave and telling her that everything was okay and now this.
The nice person I'm working with is new this year. The administrator last year was really mean to me when I requested the leave, even going so far as to tell me that I couldn't have the leave unless I told her the disability. She literally yelled at me several times for not fitting into the program, missing a couple of classes, forgetting some paperwork, etc. It was really scary.
So, help me get started...
- How do I find out if they can just kick me out for making the request? (Or if they can't?)
- How do I approach her? By email, phone, in person?
- What do I say?
- Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
- Has anyone done this before? Know someone who has?
I was accepted into a very intensive professional Masters program last year. The program is very structured and inflexible and generally does not grant a leave of absence for any reason. If they grant a leave, it is for an entire year.
Last year, I was able to get one of their extremely rare (like 1 - 2 per year) leaves of absence due to a psychological condition verified by my doctor and the disability office.
The program administrator has been really nice to me over the past year, calling to check on me, making sure I had everything I need to come back... and I told her yes, I'm on track and I'm ready to come back.
The problem is that I don't think I really am. I'd really rather wait another year... but not at the price of possibly blowing my admission to this very competitive program. I *might* be okay this year, but I would really prefer more time to work on myself, get stabilized, etc. I want to do inpatient psychological treatment, which my doctor supports.
Feelings: Basically, I'm embarrassed to tell her that I need another year. Terrified that I'll lose my admission. Thinking that if I get inpatient psychiatric treatment, they will have no choice but to let me take another year -- and I could really use the treatment too. Sometimes I'm at the end of my rope, sometimes I'm okay.
I've talked with my doctor and he says would support me whichever choice I made. I talked to the disability office and they say that they will back me up (with a note from my doctor), but that I have to talk to the administrator first.
According to the handbook, the program has a theoretical maximum 2-year leave, so I could take another year if they let me. The program starts very soon and I'm going through the motions of orientation, etc. because I'm not sure what to do. I look pretty normal on the outside, and she's seen me at graduate events.
I'm terrified to make contact with her. She seems like a very nice person, but I feel so guilty about already taking one leave and telling her that everything was okay and now this.
The nice person I'm working with is new this year. The administrator last year was really mean to me when I requested the leave, even going so far as to tell me that I couldn't have the leave unless I told her the disability. She literally yelled at me several times for not fitting into the program, missing a couple of classes, forgetting some paperwork, etc. It was really scary.
So, help me get started...
- How do I find out if they can just kick me out for making the request? (Or if they can't?)
- How do I approach her? By email, phone, in person?
- What do I say?
- Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
- Has anyone done this before? Know someone who has?
I just finished three years directing a graduate program in history. While I don't know the details of your situation, I can offer some general advice:
The university probably has an ombudsperson if it's located in the US (possibly elsewhere, too). The ombudsperson's job is to help resolve potential conflicts. You could ask them for advice. When it comes to university rules (i.e. could they withdraw you from the program for requesting another leave), the advice of anonymous people on the Internet is basically worthless. Ask an expert.
When I dealt with leaves of absence, a lot depended on whether the person with whom I was dealing was being honest. So I'd say that a key element is whether you were genuinely being honest in telling the administrator that you were on track to start this fall, but then something changed, or whether you were being excessively optimistic in order to avoid being withdrawn from the program.
Regardless of what the answer to that question is, you should speak with the administrator ASAP, in person. Most people are a lot more sympathetic in person than they are on the phone or over email. You should also consider the potential disruption to courses if you start and then withdraw; if the courses are small, or if they involve group projects, pratica, etc., it can be disruptive if someone starts the course and then withdraws a few weeks into the term.
Finally, you need to decide what is more important to you: your health or this professional master's program. It sounds like you're more worried about being withdrawn from the program than about your health, and you're willing to sacrifice your health to stay enrolled in the program. I doubt any program is that important. When you meet with the administrator, you could ask about readmission procedures. My program allows students who had withdrawn to reapply for admission under an expedited process. If your doctor thinks that another year of treatment would be best for you, and the program is willing to entertain a request for readmission, that may be the best course of action.
But remember: anonymous strangers on the Internet might help you clarify your options but we can't replace advice from people on the ground who are familiar with your instititution and its rules and customs.
Good luck!
posted by brianogilvie at 7:31 PM on September 14, 2010
The university probably has an ombudsperson if it's located in the US (possibly elsewhere, too). The ombudsperson's job is to help resolve potential conflicts. You could ask them for advice. When it comes to university rules (i.e. could they withdraw you from the program for requesting another leave), the advice of anonymous people on the Internet is basically worthless. Ask an expert.
When I dealt with leaves of absence, a lot depended on whether the person with whom I was dealing was being honest. So I'd say that a key element is whether you were genuinely being honest in telling the administrator that you were on track to start this fall, but then something changed, or whether you were being excessively optimistic in order to avoid being withdrawn from the program.
Regardless of what the answer to that question is, you should speak with the administrator ASAP, in person. Most people are a lot more sympathetic in person than they are on the phone or over email. You should also consider the potential disruption to courses if you start and then withdraw; if the courses are small, or if they involve group projects, pratica, etc., it can be disruptive if someone starts the course and then withdraws a few weeks into the term.
Finally, you need to decide what is more important to you: your health or this professional master's program. It sounds like you're more worried about being withdrawn from the program than about your health, and you're willing to sacrifice your health to stay enrolled in the program. I doubt any program is that important. When you meet with the administrator, you could ask about readmission procedures. My program allows students who had withdrawn to reapply for admission under an expedited process. If your doctor thinks that another year of treatment would be best for you, and the program is willing to entertain a request for readmission, that may be the best course of action.
But remember: anonymous strangers on the Internet might help you clarify your options but we can't replace advice from people on the ground who are familiar with your instititution and its rules and customs.
Good luck!
posted by brianogilvie at 7:31 PM on September 14, 2010
The nice person I'm working with is new this year. The administrator last year was really mean to me when I requested the leave, even going so far as to tell me that I couldn't have the leave unless I told her the disability.
What a stressful situation for you to be in. Are these program administrators faculty advisors, a director of graduate studies faculty person, or an office manager type of person?
- How do I find out if they can just kick me out for making the request? (Or if they can't?)
You should ask the disability office what the department can and can't do to your admit status. You should also contact the disability rights network in your area. I don't know what protections, if any, students have, but it would be a good idea to find out.
- How do I approach her? By email, phone, in person?
Approach her by e-mail so that you have a paper trail. I'd wager you will get a second year of leave, but you want it in writing, and you definitely want it in writing that you can come back in a year's time. If your request is denied, you want that in writing too in case you decide to appeal or in order to get the disability office involved. Document every communication with the disability office and with your department in writing from this point onward.
- What do I say?
Just write that at this point, contrary to your expectations, your doctor recommends you take a second year of leave for unresolved health problems. Say that your physician will provide documentation if necessary. Do not try explain your problems or offer details.
It is counter-intuitive but you really don't want people you have a professional relationship with knowing about your health problems, even though it seems to make your case more legitimate. Your disability is between you and your doctor, and you'll provide whatever the institution needs but don't volunteer anything more than that.
Laying out the bare-bones facts is easy in an e-mail since you are writing and you can easily control what you reveal. But an open-ended oral conversation is harder to contain what you say. That's another reason to write an e-mail rather than speak face-to-face with the administrator, no matter how nice she may seem.
- Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
It sounds like you know what is best for your health at this point. Do not push yourself and then end up in worse condition. Don't worry about this program and the consequences of taking care of your health (your health!). Nothing is more important than that. Also, if you begin and then have to stop mid-way through the semester, you're going to end up with incompletes or some pretty crappy grades. Just ask for the leave now. It will be better for you in the long run.
- Has anyone done this before? Know someone who has?
Sure, it happens all the time in elite programs. One reason programs discourages leaves is that they have a limited pool of money for funded spots. So if one person leaves for a year or two, that ties up funding for a while that could go to someone else.
But you know what? That's their problem. You've got to put your health first. If they give you a hard time for that, then screw them. All the prestige in the world won't make it a very nice place to complete your degree, and it sounds like you need a supportive environment right now. If you could get in to one prestigious program, you can probably get in to another. People come and go from these things, and if they try to lay a guilt trip on you then they are jerks.
Don't let anyone bully you. No baby kittens will die if you take a second leave of absence.
posted by vincele at 7:55 PM on September 14, 2010
What a stressful situation for you to be in. Are these program administrators faculty advisors, a director of graduate studies faculty person, or an office manager type of person?
- How do I find out if they can just kick me out for making the request? (Or if they can't?)
You should ask the disability office what the department can and can't do to your admit status. You should also contact the disability rights network in your area. I don't know what protections, if any, students have, but it would be a good idea to find out.
- How do I approach her? By email, phone, in person?
Approach her by e-mail so that you have a paper trail. I'd wager you will get a second year of leave, but you want it in writing, and you definitely want it in writing that you can come back in a year's time. If your request is denied, you want that in writing too in case you decide to appeal or in order to get the disability office involved. Document every communication with the disability office and with your department in writing from this point onward.
- What do I say?
Just write that at this point, contrary to your expectations, your doctor recommends you take a second year of leave for unresolved health problems. Say that your physician will provide documentation if necessary. Do not try explain your problems or offer details.
It is counter-intuitive but you really don't want people you have a professional relationship with knowing about your health problems, even though it seems to make your case more legitimate. Your disability is between you and your doctor, and you'll provide whatever the institution needs but don't volunteer anything more than that.
Laying out the bare-bones facts is easy in an e-mail since you are writing and you can easily control what you reveal. But an open-ended oral conversation is harder to contain what you say. That's another reason to write an e-mail rather than speak face-to-face with the administrator, no matter how nice she may seem.
- Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
It sounds like you know what is best for your health at this point. Do not push yourself and then end up in worse condition. Don't worry about this program and the consequences of taking care of your health (your health!). Nothing is more important than that. Also, if you begin and then have to stop mid-way through the semester, you're going to end up with incompletes or some pretty crappy grades. Just ask for the leave now. It will be better for you in the long run.
- Has anyone done this before? Know someone who has?
Sure, it happens all the time in elite programs. One reason programs discourages leaves is that they have a limited pool of money for funded spots. So if one person leaves for a year or two, that ties up funding for a while that could go to someone else.
But you know what? That's their problem. You've got to put your health first. If they give you a hard time for that, then screw them. All the prestige in the world won't make it a very nice place to complete your degree, and it sounds like you need a supportive environment right now. If you could get in to one prestigious program, you can probably get in to another. People come and go from these things, and if they try to lay a guilt trip on you then they are jerks.
Don't let anyone bully you. No baby kittens will die if you take a second leave of absence.
posted by vincele at 7:55 PM on September 14, 2010
I don't know what came of your last question (and sorry for the callout, but it helped to look at a bit of your question history since it's related), but if you did not get inpatient treatment then I would definitely recommend not putting it off now since you seem to think it will help sort you out a bit. Even if it's your second stay, please do it for yourself. Your mental and physical health is a lot more important than graduate school, as much as I realize that graduate school must seem immensely important right now. I'm not dismissing that, but getting yourself help so you can succeed in school and in life afterward is even more vital.
- How do I find out if they can just kick me out for making the request? (Or if they can't?)
- How do I approach her? By email, phone, in person?
- What do I say?
- Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
There must be some kind of person with whom you can speak to who is neutral in this situation, like the office of the university ombudsman. They will help you figure out the answer to ALL of these questions. I have no idea what school you are attending, so I'm just pulling up the first Google hit to help you have an idea of what you can expect from your school's ombudsman: an example from Harvard.
Good luck and please take care of yourself.
posted by asciident at 8:13 PM on September 14, 2010
- How do I find out if they can just kick me out for making the request? (Or if they can't?)
- How do I approach her? By email, phone, in person?
- What do I say?
- Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
There must be some kind of person with whom you can speak to who is neutral in this situation, like the office of the university ombudsman. They will help you figure out the answer to ALL of these questions. I have no idea what school you are attending, so I'm just pulling up the first Google hit to help you have an idea of what you can expect from your school's ombudsman: an example from Harvard.
Good luck and please take care of yourself.
posted by asciident at 8:13 PM on September 14, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for your help! What a great place askme is!
I'll try the ombudsman and see what they say...
Brian - What do you mean by being dishonest? I thought I was okay, but now I don't feel right. How can I prove that I really need the leave (other than the doctor's note, etc.)?
Asciident - My doctor and I are meeting a few times a week while we figure out what to do about this. I haven't done the inpatient yet, but plan to as soon as they can find me a spot at the place he recommends (if I can get this leave, or if I stop caring).
posted by 3491again at 8:37 PM on September 14, 2010
I'll try the ombudsman and see what they say...
Brian - What do you mean by being dishonest? I thought I was okay, but now I don't feel right. How can I prove that I really need the leave (other than the doctor's note, etc.)?
Asciident - My doctor and I are meeting a few times a week while we figure out what to do about this. I haven't done the inpatient yet, but plan to as soon as they can find me a spot at the place he recommends (if I can get this leave, or if I stop caring).
posted by 3491again at 8:37 PM on September 14, 2010
Please don't be embarrassed about asking for another year of leave if you need it (and it sounds like you do). Schools run into this sort of situation all the time. They have provisions for it. Engage your disability services office some more; they've told you they'll back you up but you need to speak to the administrator. Fair enough; my students are required to contact me themselves for this sort of thing too. However, the DB services people should be able to give you guidance on what to say and how to say it. It's their job to advocate for you and help you navigate these processes.
Ask them explicitly for their help with talking to the administrator. They should also be able to tell you how much you need to disclose to the program administrator(s). I realize it might be too late now, but as vincele mentioned, you are not obliged to give them ALL the details. Some students choose to, but for others I never do find out why they needed a withdrawal or a semester extension, and I have no right (or interest) in knowing the details. What is important to me is that the request comes through the proper channels with the proper paperwork, and that the student follows up on all her or his responsibilities as set out by DB services.
Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
I definitely do not recommend that you go back before you're ready. Speaking as an instructor, it's very important that students who have taken MH leave are in a healthy place before returning to their studies. It's better to ask for the leave now and come back when you are ready. I've seen too many students try to push on when they shouldn't have, and the resulting inevitable crash and burn mid-semester is never pretty. You are doing the RIGHT THING by putting your education on hold while you get better.
Given your previous questions, you are dealing with a lot right now. But it's very good that you are working to address your own needs. Good luck and take care.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:45 PM on September 14, 2010
Ask them explicitly for their help with talking to the administrator. They should also be able to tell you how much you need to disclose to the program administrator(s). I realize it might be too late now, but as vincele mentioned, you are not obliged to give them ALL the details. Some students choose to, but for others I never do find out why they needed a withdrawal or a semester extension, and I have no right (or interest) in knowing the details. What is important to me is that the request comes through the proper channels with the proper paperwork, and that the student follows up on all her or his responsibilities as set out by DB services.
Do I just try to keep going as long as I can or is it better to ask for the leave before the program starts?
I definitely do not recommend that you go back before you're ready. Speaking as an instructor, it's very important that students who have taken MH leave are in a healthy place before returning to their studies. It's better to ask for the leave now and come back when you are ready. I've seen too many students try to push on when they shouldn't have, and the resulting inevitable crash and burn mid-semester is never pretty. You are doing the RIGHT THING by putting your education on hold while you get better.
Given your previous questions, you are dealing with a lot right now. But it's very good that you are working to address your own needs. Good luck and take care.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:45 PM on September 14, 2010
From my experience watching friends, if you start back before you are ready, you will not be able to handle the pressure and you will find yourself more depressed, overwhelmed and failing classes before you manage to withdraw. My guess is that the program is not set up for you to taken anything less than the full load. If you feel ready, you might want to study ahead some of the text books but it is more important to be ready to handle the work when you get back.
posted by metahawk at 10:35 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by metahawk at 10:35 PM on September 14, 2010
ps. I read your prior post. Your life is absolutely worth more than a prestigious graduate degree. I am serious - you are suffering from an illness that can be terminal. Get the treatment that you need to live a healthy life then you can worry about what to do with your education and career.
posted by metahawk at 10:47 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 10:47 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
One of the issues in anxiety or depression-related sickness is that one is over-sensitive to what others might think of you - it matters disproportionately. My advice would be not to sweat this one.
I deal with a lot of students, who are constantly taking leave or needing special accommodation for various reasons. Anxiety or depression may not be so frequent as other reasons (as in 2-3 cases per year), but they are surprisingly common (as in a lot of cases, over the years). This is because higher education puts a lot of stress on people - you cannot help but deal with issues about your life-choices, career direction, personal capabilities, and self-confidence when you are engaging in an intensive program of education. So it would never occur to me to think less of someone who told me that they were feeling better and then decided that they needed more time. This is quite usual - it happens an awful lot, as people attempt to make sense of their lives so far.
Just contact the administrator, politely tell them that you misjudged things and need more time to recover, and that you will send them a new doctor's note. Your doctor is obviously supportive, which is great. You don't have anything to be ashamed or worried about. Enjoy your break!
posted by Susurration at 8:26 PM on September 15, 2010
I deal with a lot of students, who are constantly taking leave or needing special accommodation for various reasons. Anxiety or depression may not be so frequent as other reasons (as in 2-3 cases per year), but they are surprisingly common (as in a lot of cases, over the years). This is because higher education puts a lot of stress on people - you cannot help but deal with issues about your life-choices, career direction, personal capabilities, and self-confidence when you are engaging in an intensive program of education. So it would never occur to me to think less of someone who told me that they were feeling better and then decided that they needed more time. This is quite usual - it happens an awful lot, as people attempt to make sense of their lives so far.
Just contact the administrator, politely tell them that you misjudged things and need more time to recover, and that you will send them a new doctor's note. Your doctor is obviously supportive, which is great. You don't have anything to be ashamed or worried about. Enjoy your break!
posted by Susurration at 8:26 PM on September 15, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think that if you talk to the administrator and be very clear and honest about what you are going through and what you are planning to do to fix it, she'll be understanding. Tell her that going through the motions of starting the new year has made you realize that you aren't quite ready yet and that you'd rather take steps towards feeling better so you can focus on your program wholeheartedly and perform well instead of falling apart halfway through it. I think this will show that you are dedicated to your program and that you want to do your best while attending it.
You must be very intelligent to have gotten into such a competitive program and I don't think that they'll let you go that easily. After all, you *are* allowed a two-year leave of absence, even if such leaves are rarely granted. This means that they do understand that life happens. Grad students are by no means unstoppable robot scholars who can just go go go. I just started grad school with a program that is also pretty competitive and they have allowances for emergencies and situations like yours.
I'm not sure how inpatient treatments work, but is there anyway you could attend classes part time? Maybe take just one class? It might be nice to have something to think about other than your treatment all the time. You'll give yourself something constructive to focus on and since it's just one class maybe it won't be too overwhelming?
If that's still too high-pressure, maybe you could talk to some of your professors or the administrator and say that even though you don't feel ready for taking a full-fledged class, you'd like some reading material that would be useful for your future classes. That way you'll still be doing something beneficial to your program, but without the worry of deadlines, grades, etc. This might also show your administrator and professors that you aren't just taking the year off for nothing and that you value your program and field of study. However, don't let the reading list get too big or overwhelming that it becomes a chore or a source of stress, because it might work against your treatment. (Of course, IANAD.)
Um, that's all I have to say. Whatever choice you make, I wish you the best of luck with your health and studies!
posted by joyeuxamelie at 7:31 PM on September 14, 2010