How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?
August 14, 2010 7:11 AM Subscribe
Looking for outside perspective - why does this one particular ex insist on trying to initiate contact with me?
This is a "why is my ex behaving this way?!" question. But not because I have any romantic feelings for this person, just that the behavior is so counter to how I think/act, I can't understand it. So I'm not in any serious danger of getting caught up in drama, more like "why the Hell would somebody think this is okay?"
Couple years back, I was living in another town that's a big magnet for the outdoors/backcountry set. Totally not my scene, but I met somebody who was in town for that Summer. We hit it off, super intense attraction and had a summer fling. End of summer, he decides to move on to another town in the mountains and ends it. We keep in touch 1-2 times a year, pretty superficial chit chat and civilities over e-mail. Sometimes he'll mention being back in the region to visit family, but I haven't seen him since then.
Here's where it gets a little crazy, thanks to the regional grapevine, I've found out that in the past year he's: a) Become a father and b) Married a woman who's also an enthusiast for his particular sport. Mazel tov, right? Well, to date I have yet to be informed by him about either development. Last time he was in town to visit his family, he wanted to see me and suggested that we get a motel room together for a night (I played clueless & declined because of a friend's wedding). Haven't thought of him since then, besides "Geez, what a mess." This morning I found a voice mail on my cell phone from him, slightly maudlin about how he had been thinking about me and missed me.
I'd hoped that we could keep on just being friends and keeping things civil/platonic, but obviously the lying (not just to me, but I'd guess his wife doesn't know about me) is a deal breaker. Besides the usual "people want to have their cake and eat it too" explanation, why the Hell is he behaving this way? On some level, my opinion actually still seems to matter to him and I'm all for giving somebody a kick in the ass to make them behave better. But I don't know if my actually confronting him and telling him that I know he's married will actually do anything beyond making an awkward situation even more awkward.
This is a "why is my ex behaving this way?!" question. But not because I have any romantic feelings for this person, just that the behavior is so counter to how I think/act, I can't understand it. So I'm not in any serious danger of getting caught up in drama, more like "why the Hell would somebody think this is okay?"
Couple years back, I was living in another town that's a big magnet for the outdoors/backcountry set. Totally not my scene, but I met somebody who was in town for that Summer. We hit it off, super intense attraction and had a summer fling. End of summer, he decides to move on to another town in the mountains and ends it. We keep in touch 1-2 times a year, pretty superficial chit chat and civilities over e-mail. Sometimes he'll mention being back in the region to visit family, but I haven't seen him since then.
Here's where it gets a little crazy, thanks to the regional grapevine, I've found out that in the past year he's: a) Become a father and b) Married a woman who's also an enthusiast for his particular sport. Mazel tov, right? Well, to date I have yet to be informed by him about either development. Last time he was in town to visit his family, he wanted to see me and suggested that we get a motel room together for a night (I played clueless & declined because of a friend's wedding). Haven't thought of him since then, besides "Geez, what a mess." This morning I found a voice mail on my cell phone from him, slightly maudlin about how he had been thinking about me and missed me.
I'd hoped that we could keep on just being friends and keeping things civil/platonic, but obviously the lying (not just to me, but I'd guess his wife doesn't know about me) is a deal breaker. Besides the usual "people want to have their cake and eat it too" explanation, why the Hell is he behaving this way? On some level, my opinion actually still seems to matter to him and I'm all for giving somebody a kick in the ass to make them behave better. But I don't know if my actually confronting him and telling him that I know he's married will actually do anything beyond making an awkward situation even more awkward.
Besides the usual "people want to have their cake and eat it too" explanation
Isn't that enough to explain all of this? Occam's razor suggests the simplest explanation.
Yeah, confront him. Not because your opinion matters to him, but because you shouldn't stand for "friends" who behave this way towards you. amro has a good way to do this.
posted by grouse at 7:20 AM on August 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Isn't that enough to explain all of this? Occam's razor suggests the simplest explanation.
Yeah, confront him. Not because your opinion matters to him, but because you shouldn't stand for "friends" who behave this way towards you. amro has a good way to do this.
posted by grouse at 7:20 AM on August 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Definitely confront him. Or at least, next time he suggests getting a room for the night together, ask how his wife would feel about that.
What he's trying to do to you (help him cheat on his wife without you knowing he's married) is pretty messed up and manipulative.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2010
What he's trying to do to you (help him cheat on his wife without you knowing he's married) is pretty messed up and manipulative.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2010
He wants to use you for sex.
posted by reenum at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by reenum at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
I see no reason to avoid making this situation awkward for him.
posted by danb at 7:35 AM on August 14, 2010 [16 favorites]
posted by danb at 7:35 AM on August 14, 2010 [16 favorites]
I think you don't want to believe it's as simple and shitty as him wanting to take advantage of what he sees as a consequence free chance to step outside his marriage; you probably think of him as a decent guy. He might be, but he obviously is also someone who's actively trying to cheat on his wife (and odds are, you aren't the first, and won't be the last). I think you've got a free pass to give him shit for it. He's not your friend.
posted by lemniskate at 7:49 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 7:49 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Super-intense summer fling that ended not because things grew cold between you, but because circumstances were such that you had to part ways physically. You're still a very fond memory to each other. He's married to this woman and has a kid now, life in exciting romance in the summer fling avenue has ended and he misses it. Simple as that. He's being an idiot, tell him you know about all his stuff and you're not into being a homewrecker.
posted by lizbunny at 8:08 AM on August 14, 2010
posted by lizbunny at 8:08 AM on August 14, 2010
How certain are you that he's gotten married and had a kid? I too live in a small town kind of in the middle of nowhere, and I can tell you that sometimes the grapevine is wrong. Sometimes the grapevine mistakes John Smith for John Smythe, and sometimes the grapevine misheard something along the way.
I would take that tack. I mean, you kind of have to confront this guy anyway. Otherwise he's going to be issuing booty calls every few years and annoying the crap out of you.
Phone him back and say "Look, there's no delicate way to put this. I heard that you're married with a kid, is that true?"
You're going to get one of two responses:
1. "What? WHAT? Ha! Um, no. Where did you hear that?" This means he's neither married nor a father.
2. Some form of squirming, prevarication, "It depends on how you define 'married'," etc. Basically anything other than a short, sharp, clear denial. This means that it's true, and he's trying to cheat on his wife without you finding out.
posted by ErikaB at 9:30 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would take that tack. I mean, you kind of have to confront this guy anyway. Otherwise he's going to be issuing booty calls every few years and annoying the crap out of you.
Phone him back and say "Look, there's no delicate way to put this. I heard that you're married with a kid, is that true?"
You're going to get one of two responses:
1. "What? WHAT? Ha! Um, no. Where did you hear that?" This means he's neither married nor a father.
2. Some form of squirming, prevarication, "It depends on how you define 'married'," etc. Basically anything other than a short, sharp, clear denial. This means that it's true, and he's trying to cheat on his wife without you finding out.
posted by ErikaB at 9:30 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you don't want him to contact you any more, tell him not to, clearly and concisely. If you want, you can tack on the explanation that you've heard he's married, and wish him luck with that. That's probably going to be the cleanest way to end this. This might make it a bit awkward and get him to stop contacting you, but isn't that what you want?
He's still contacting you looking for sex because he wants to have sex with you even now and thinks he can get away with it. He's an asshole, and this is how they behave. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet when you broke up with him.
posted by Solomon at 10:01 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
He's still contacting you looking for sex because he wants to have sex with you even now and thinks he can get away with it. He's an asshole, and this is how they behave. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet when you broke up with him.
posted by Solomon at 10:01 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would guess the maudlin phone call was a drunk dial. People do and say embarrassing and irrational things when they're drunk.
posted by valeries at 10:26 AM on August 14, 2010
posted by valeries at 10:26 AM on August 14, 2010
Besides the usual "people want to have their cake and eat it too" explanation, why the Hell is he behaving this way?
It's not a big mystery. At the very least, he liked the sex. He may even liked and desire you as person. He may be regretting getting married and seeing you as "the one I let get away" so he's pinning for you as a way of escaping current problems.
Otherwise who knows and do you really care?
posted by nomadicink at 11:20 AM on August 14, 2010
It's not a big mystery. At the very least, he liked the sex. He may even liked and desire you as person. He may be regretting getting married and seeing you as "the one I let get away" so he's pinning for you as a way of escaping current problems.
Otherwise who knows and do you really care?
posted by nomadicink at 11:20 AM on August 14, 2010
I have an ex like this too. In short: the kid wasn't planned and the wife isn't exactly his first choice. He gets to thinking about what could have been and I get a late night phone call that I don't answer. I'm sure other exes of his do too. C'est la vie.
posted by fshgrl at 5:17 PM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 5:17 PM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's really not that mysterious - he's looking to cheat on his wife, for whatever reason. If you want to "give him a kick in the ass," tell him you heard that congratulations are in order for his new wife and child. If it makes things awkward for anyone, it will be for him, and maybe that's not such a bad thing.
posted by amro at 7:16 AM on August 14, 2010 [11 favorites]