Stay in one city, leave for another?

August 13, 2010 8:17 PM

Should I stay with romantic partner and decent job opportunities in a very nice location, or should I go for great job opportunity that's not in my field (and a thousand miles away)? Special snowflake & more inside.

I am torn between two options, and it is driving me mad at this point, to the point where I wake up every morning and stress about it.

These are the two options as I see it (there may be more options I have not seen, and want to leave the door wide open there):

(A) Stay in City A:
-great location
-lots of stuff to do
-like the weather
-Family
-friends
-reasonable cost of living

The downside: no real job, yet. Instead, I've been doing an internship (post-graduation) and cobbling together some side jobs. I'm living off my savings at the moment and some financial help from family.

I have been relatively proactive about searching for a full-time position, and have had several interviews and more coming up. Most of these interviews would be for positions that, while not extremely prestigious, would lead me toward my chosen career field.

There is also a boy in City A, who I really like. We've been dating for 6 months, and he's part of the attraction as well. Though I'm young, I understand the transient nature that some of these relationships have, and I'm aware of that. He is very kind, loving, and giving, and there is nothing I do not like about my romantic relationship with him.

Then, there is B.
(B)
-Involves relocating across the country
-Large metropolitan area with tons to do, very exciting
-very high cost of living
-don't know anyone--and the people I do know in City B I wouldn't chose to be my friends

BUT there is a job at City B. Job B is extremely prestigious, at a well-known company that would always look great on my resume. For several reasons, I do not start at Job B until January or early next year, though the position is pretty much guaranteed.

Job B, however, is in a field that I am qualified for, though not exactly the chosen field of my choice. Job B would be exciting, however, people within Field B tend to stay within that field for a long time, and I'm not sure if that's quite what I want to do.

In short: I like the flexibility of City A, but wonder if I'm passing too much up with Job B, which would kind of lock me into that field for a while (this is not speculation) but would be a great job that pays decently and looks good on my resume. But the friends/family/ambience of City A are also very appealing to me.

I should also note that my family seems to lean toward taking the prestigious Job B, though this somewhat conflicts (or doesn't exactly help me reach) my career goals. So that's an additional pressure point that I need to address should I choose City A.

Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate any thoughts and advice you can give me.

Throwaway e-mail is: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (23 answers total)

FWIW, here's my thinking from my very, very, very yesteryears:

I liked very much where I grew up and was educated (NY Metro), but as much as I liked where I'd spent my entire life to date, I was also fearful of spending my entire existence in that very small sliver of the universe. I interviewed far and wide approaching college graduation, only to land back in my home base. 17 years later I moved not too far (Boston), but without job or employment. Now 30 years later with a wife, two kids, and home in Boston I still don't feel like I've ventured far or should be congratulated in any way, but I still feel liberated from the proabilty of having sunk into the comfort of "the devil I knew"

YMMV
posted by Rafaelloello at 8:39 PM on August 13, 2010

I'd say jump on the opportunity of B, just for the heck of it, because it's exciting, and an option. If it doesn't work out, at least you know you gave it a shot, and wouldn't wonder what if. You'd also know that you've got a good thing going in A and could go back to it if you so choose. I say nothing to stress over! You've got the best of both worlds/choices laid out at your feet. But always, go with your gut. Best wishes.
posted by healthyliving at 8:40 PM on August 13, 2010

Eek, what a great problem to have! I was in a different but comparable situation as yours 2 years ago. I chose my version of option B. It turned out to be a great decision for me because the job is very satisfying. However, if the job is not going to be the IT thing for you there, there's a lot of work you're going to have to do.

For one, I would strongly consider what it means to you being away from your friends and family. If you're young I would say go for it, but if you want to have kids in 5 years or any of your loved ones are sick, I would think about how far from them you could actually happily be.

From my experience, those deep networks you have built in City A are likely the ones that will stay with you for a long time and they can help you move from job to job. Those connections are pretty precious.

Also, are you a social person? Do you make friends easily?

Cost of living counts for a lot. Don't get trapped in the debt game, it's hard to break, and that will trap you more than a career move. Don't forget to add in the cost of the move when making your choice.

The whole idea of being stuck in a field...that's a tough one depending on what field it is. Is it possible that people don't leave the field because it's satisfying, or is it because the jobs are so scarce they are scared to never get back in?
posted by gillianr at 8:55 PM on August 13, 2010

I'd pick A.

Quality of life beats prestige every time. Assuming you CAN get some sort of job in A.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:16 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Post-graduation, you have the time and space to choose high-risk investments over safe ones. Put another way, you have enough room to change course (to A or C-Z) if you decide that B ain't the thing.

Can you imagine yourself spending the next ten years in City A? Would it be as charming (with or without City A Boy) in ten years' time? Does your family suggest (or implicitly show) that City A is the kind of place where you either stay your entire life or get far away from, regardless of its attractions? Do you get that feeling about the place?

City A is mostly about who you are and where you've come from, and that's comfortable and great, and while City A Boy represents something new, it's also something new in comfortable surroundings.

You're always going to have regrets about choices like this. Just don't make them crippling regrets that affect the choices you make in the future.
posted by holgate at 9:26 PM on August 13, 2010

On the face of it, I'd say A. Friends, family, relationships and a life you enjoy are precious things.

The caveat is that the job issue can't be a regret. If you spend most of your day dreaming about the prestigious life you gave up, and all the exciting opportunities there, then you won't be enjoying yourself in A which is precisely what you stayed there to do.

So enjoy your life and your career path and your friends and your family, as they're more important (or so it seems to me) than being able to show off about a shiny new job. Also, cost of living means you'll be able to save more and do more in your spare time. If, however, the lure of B is so great that it will taint every moment in A with regret, then go for it. Family and friends will always be in A for you to go back to.
posted by twirlypen at 9:33 PM on August 13, 2010

I posted a job and move-related question in a similar vein. I think, though, that whichever choice OTHER people like doesn't matter- it's your choice. You can have all the good reasons in the world to stay in City A, but something in your gut may be nagging at you to try city B. In that case, why not give it a try? You can always, presumably, move back to City A, but you can't necessarily get that opportunity again. On the other hand, if you decide you really just aren't interested, that's fine too. Just because it's a great opportunity doesn't mean it's the right opportunity for you, at this time.

Good luck!
posted by bearette at 9:44 PM on August 13, 2010

You're young. You like the guy, but I not hearing he's the love of your life and regardless there are planes for visits. Give job B a chance. What do you have to lose? Worse case you're miserable and you go home and start off where you left off. Best case you jump start your career and get started on a whole new life. City A will always be there if you want to settle down later, but you're young. Take a chance and go for it. Later in your life you won't be able to do this. You'll have too many responsibilities and will have to much invested. Not to mention that the economy is atrocious or new grads and this great opportunity is unlikely to repeat itself.
posted by whoaali at 10:02 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

enjoy this excellent problem! either way it's a win, although from experience i would say that the job sounds mighty exciting and may pave the way towards future $$ happiness which we all know translates into some measure of freedom. discernment is key.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 10:11 PM on August 13, 2010

no children? look out for number one and you will not regret it......six months with yer dude is not a TERRIBLY long time, if you're looking at stats....
posted by lakersfan1222 at 10:12 PM on August 13, 2010

Go live somewhere new, if not for the good job, then for the sake of living somewhere new. You'll learn a lot about yourself there.
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 10:44 PM on August 13, 2010

though the position is pretty much guaranteed

On the face of it pick B, because it sounds like an exciting opportunity. You should, however, get the job offer in writing before making any life plans.

Once you know what you're doing in January, you can plan your move, find some temp work, travel or whatever. Don't consider this an option though until it's guaranteed, not pretty much guaranteed. Things like this often fall through.
posted by Flying Squirrel at 11:04 PM on August 13, 2010

I was in a similar situation over a year ago and ended up moving to the other side of the planet for a dream job (from Massachusetts area to Asia), leaving behind what the only things I had known and grown happily accustomed to for 6 years. The way I looked at it was even though I was happy and satisfied with my current situation, I felt like I would always regret not taking the opportunity... and an opportunity as such just doesn't appear out of nowhere. Of course if it didn't work out, I couldn't really go back to how things were before, as in your situation the 6 month boyfriend, but that's one of those great leaps that makes life as charming and intriguing as it is.
posted by peachtree at 11:08 PM on August 13, 2010

City B, because there's nothing worse than looking back and thinking, "What if...?"
posted by canadia at 12:24 AM on August 14, 2010

I realize that not everyone sees it this way, and I respect their opinions, but for me, it would come down to this. I'm a grownup. Barring some medical or other issue that prevents me from doing so or a specific agreement with a spouse that I would provide other non-financial support to our shared family unit, it is my responsibility as a grownup to support myself financially. For me, there would be no question: I'd take virtually any job that allowed me to support myself over virtually any situation in which I was reliant on my parents for financial support. Absolutely no question that B would be the right answer for me.
posted by decathecting at 1:30 AM on August 14, 2010

What does your gut say about this? Your question poses the rational pros and cons but your stress suggests you feel more.

If you feel you have the strength to go then move to B, otherwise you may regret not having tried. Give yourself a timeframe in City B in the new situation, perhaps a year or more, and then re-evaluate how you feel about A and B then. Maybe you will want to return to A (nothing wrong with that) or perhaps by that point you can't imagine ever leaving B.
posted by lilyflower at 2:04 AM on August 14, 2010

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. See what B feels like. Try it on. Walk around a little bit. If all else fails, your family and friends will still be back at A.
posted by inturnaround at 5:21 AM on August 14, 2010

Here's what I would do.

Try to find a job in A asap - in your chosen career field. If you start sometimes in September, it goves you a a few months to taste the wters, as it were. If by early December the job doesn't lives up to your expectations, and your relationship turns sour, or you just don't find yourselfhat excited, you can take up job B.

That means: stop worrying for now, andbust your ass trying to get that job in town A asap. You have until December or so to make an informed decision, so try your chosen career first, even for 4 months or so.
posted by Sijeka at 5:24 AM on August 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

One real advantage (or at least field-leveling aspect) of B for you is that you don't start for 6 months. That's a lot of time to learn more about the city from afar, explore places to live, and even start connecting with people out there who share common interests. I'd consider that kind of lead time a gift, and use it to plan as seamless a transition as possible - into as awesome a situation as possible. Like finding a reasonable place to live that lets you walk or take public transport to work, say.
posted by deludingmyself at 6:20 AM on August 14, 2010

B.

You can always go back to A if B doesn't make you happy, but at least you get a glimpse of a different horizon.
posted by uauage at 7:54 AM on August 14, 2010

B, absolutely, especially if the main factor holding you back is the boy.

In this economy, a prestigious job you get early in your chosen field is something you can't pass up. It's hard to overstate how important those first jobs are on your resume -- a plum one will carry you through very nicely through the first phase of your career. And you're an adult now, not a student or a child; you need to look after your financial security, not live off your parents and your savings. Women are far too susceptible to forgetting to prioritize their financial security, especially if there's a man involved.

However, once you get established, don't forget that life is about much more than chasing the next golden ring, and make choices accordingly.
posted by yarly at 11:14 AM on August 14, 2010

As a master of stating the obvious - you're going to be giving up somethings either way and you're probably going to gain somethings either way. That's kind of win-win. That having been said . . .

I think yarly, might have it - because although I've always put people before career (never felt drawn to any particular field anyway) and I have no regrets, you clearly are on a path and an opportunity for a solid beginning in your chosen or close to your chosen field shouldn't be ignored. Might you find yourself lonely and missing your hometown, family, friends, boyfriend? You bet. Will there be other opportunities in the new place for friendship, fun, growth - yes.

So, go out there while you're young and make something for yourself - make a whole life filled with great work, good friends, love, community etc. but have the sense to recognize if it's not working and try something else. Proceed with a positive attitude, give it your best shot and don't burn any bridges. Good Luck!
posted by nnk at 11:49 AM on August 14, 2010

I don't know if you're still reading this, but I thought I'd chime in.

A year and a half ago I posted this question, which was pretty similar to yours. Everyone told me to do it (join the foreign service) and not look back. What did I do? The opposite. This summer I got married to the boyfriend in question, we've lived together for over a year and it's been fantastic, and I've had an awesome time in my own City A with my family and friends. I start a mostly-funded grad program in 3 weeks, so I just gave my notice at the IT project management job!

I do think wistfully about the foreign service from time to time, but I figured I could be in that job for 25 years max or potentially married to my guy for twice that. I had a good feeling about the guy, and I'm excited to start a family with him in a couple years with a strong support network in City A. Of course, shit could hit the fan down the road, but even though I gave up the dream job, I've made the best of City A and found some good opportunities.

So whatever you choose, enjoy. You'll make it work.

P.S. Couldn't you accept Plan B and see what jobs come along in the meantime in City A? You wouldn't have to move out there until January, right? So you really wouldn't have to make a decision until later (not helpful to someone stuck in a dilemma like this, I know, but sometimes extra time helps open other doors).
posted by Maarika at 12:15 PM on August 16, 2010