Do me a favor and wait to die until we're on the same continent.
July 28, 2010 4:34 AM Subscribe
Should I lose sleep over my friend's adventure plans?
A good friend of mine, who doesn't even turn 18 until the end of the August, has decided to bike from Germany to the northern border of France by himself. He leaves tomorrow and I can't/haven't said anything to persuade him to at least wait a few days and take someone with him. I'm 4000 miles away and know that I can't do anything now.
For the first two nights, he's staying with acquaintances. For the rest--approximately 8 to 10 days--he plans on "sleeping on the side, in bushes".
I know my friend. We recently went to the North Sea together and he forgot to pack a flashlight and extra clothes and lost 10 euros. He doesn't ride a bicycle regularly--I would say the last time was in October and he rode on the wrong side of the road.
At least he promises to wear a helmet.
I know it's dangerous, that's no question, but so are many things in life worth doing. Though I firmly believe that some risks are worth the reward, am I wrong to think that my friend is over-confident in his abilities and that some Very Bad Things are very likely to happen to him?
More importantly, how do I ease my mind? I can't stop him and I will worry. I don't want my welcome home party to include a funeral.
(In before someone suggests therapy for my neuroses.)
A good friend of mine, who doesn't even turn 18 until the end of the August, has decided to bike from Germany to the northern border of France by himself. He leaves tomorrow and I can't/haven't said anything to persuade him to at least wait a few days and take someone with him. I'm 4000 miles away and know that I can't do anything now.
For the first two nights, he's staying with acquaintances. For the rest--approximately 8 to 10 days--he plans on "sleeping on the side, in bushes".
I know my friend. We recently went to the North Sea together and he forgot to pack a flashlight and extra clothes and lost 10 euros. He doesn't ride a bicycle regularly--I would say the last time was in October and he rode on the wrong side of the road.
At least he promises to wear a helmet.
I know it's dangerous, that's no question, but so are many things in life worth doing. Though I firmly believe that some risks are worth the reward, am I wrong to think that my friend is over-confident in his abilities and that some Very Bad Things are very likely to happen to him?
More importantly, how do I ease my mind? I can't stop him and I will worry. I don't want my welcome home party to include a funeral.
(In before someone suggests therapy for my neuroses.)
Don't let your imagination run away with you. The fact that you can imagine him dying doesn't mean that it is actually likely to happen. The more realistic consequences sound like he might get a little cold, a little hungry, maybe a little lost, and probably very tired, but none of those things are fatal. It also sounds like he's from continental Europe. If that's true, then if his trip really sucks he can just hop on a train and go home.
posted by colfax at 4:58 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by colfax at 4:58 AM on July 28, 2010
Sleeping in the bushes seems to be a thing in Europe. Twice when I've been over there I've accidentally walked into a campsite where someone on a walkabout had traveled until they felt like stopping and simply pitched their tent wherever they were.
posted by XMLicious at 5:01 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by XMLicious at 5:01 AM on July 28, 2010
I can't imagine he'll ever be so far from civilization that he is unlikely to find help should he run into any trouble. I wouldn't worry about him.
posted by backwards guitar at 5:10 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by backwards guitar at 5:10 AM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: So he's just turning 18 and wants to go on a wild adventure. Nothing too surprising there. And what is this wild adventure? Bicycling for a little over a week! Just think of all the much more dumb ideas an 18-year-old could come up with for going on a crazy adventure. He's not doing heroin -- he's biking. And he's going to go all the way from Germany to ... the border of next-door France.
You could send a very friendly reminder to do a couple basic things -- have plenty of water so you don't get dehydrated, have a tiny first-aid kit, etc. -- if you think he'd take it well. He might forget to bring something important for his trip -- people do that all the time, but they get around it. Presumably he'll bring money and will be able to buy things he forgot along the way, or the friends he's staying with could, say, lend him a flashlight if he forgets his.
Other than that, why not worry about all your friends who are engaging in risky behaviors like driving cars and smoking cigarettes? You probably have a lot more friends like that. But you don't spend time worrying about those activities because they're so common. See: availability heuristic.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:11 AM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
You could send a very friendly reminder to do a couple basic things -- have plenty of water so you don't get dehydrated, have a tiny first-aid kit, etc. -- if you think he'd take it well. He might forget to bring something important for his trip -- people do that all the time, but they get around it. Presumably he'll bring money and will be able to buy things he forgot along the way, or the friends he's staying with could, say, lend him a flashlight if he forgets his.
Other than that, why not worry about all your friends who are engaging in risky behaviors like driving cars and smoking cigarettes? You probably have a lot more friends like that. But you don't spend time worrying about those activities because they're so common. See: availability heuristic.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:11 AM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I understand and also have the need for wild adventures but I have a tendency to have a Plan B, Plan C, and the numbers for every fire station within a 100-mile radius when I go on mine. I'm a planner first, then a doer. My friend isn't. I guess it shows.
posted by apophenia at 5:22 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by apophenia at 5:22 AM on July 28, 2010
Yeah, I think you'll need to let that go. Maybe ask him to text you or a family member regularly or facebook or blog to show he's still alive?
posted by Omnomnom at 5:29 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by Omnomnom at 5:29 AM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: Plan B, Plan C and emergency numbers are there mostly to make you comfortable with uncertainty. When something goes wrong, it's often so out-of-the-blue that it's completely unforeseeable. But, really, it's frickin' Europe . It's less dangerous than visiting almost any major american city. Worst case, he will need to ask someone for help. Almost everyone on the face of the planet feels good about helping stranded/lonely/injured traveler...especially if the traveler is clearly just a dumb kid who got in over their head.
posted by pjaust at 5:31 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by pjaust at 5:31 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh man. I've had two friends nearly die hiking in Nepal and one friend actually die in a hiking accident in Puerto Rico (New York Times coverage and all).
And I still say, let them go. Every time.
See also: Cultural Theory of Risk, as proposed by Mary Douglas within the last 50 years. (in a nutshell, groups/cultures decide what is dangerous based on information available to them, and other factors, including commonality. Because I have a few friends who ride alone across the US each summer, that activity doesn't seem dangerous to me. Sleeping without a tent in the Everglades? That would scare the crap out of me.)
So, do some reading as suggested above, and that will (probably) help you feel 2 things:
1. Better about your own adventure choices
2. Less anxious about the choices of your friends
posted by bilabial at 5:40 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
And I still say, let them go. Every time.
See also: Cultural Theory of Risk, as proposed by Mary Douglas within the last 50 years. (in a nutshell, groups/cultures decide what is dangerous based on information available to them, and other factors, including commonality. Because I have a few friends who ride alone across the US each summer, that activity doesn't seem dangerous to me. Sleeping without a tent in the Everglades? That would scare the crap out of me.)
So, do some reading as suggested above, and that will (probably) help you feel 2 things:
1. Better about your own adventure choices
2. Less anxious about the choices of your friends
posted by bilabial at 5:40 AM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You're massively over thinking this. Looking at your profile it appears you life in Germany... so I assume he does as well. So he's not going to a dangerous place or even a foreign one! He's going on a bike trip in a very safe, very modern, bike-friendly country where he will have no trouble communicating. Looking at a map it appears the farthest bit of Germany from France is only 450 miles (longer on roads, of course)... that isn't even that long of a bike ride! Your friend will absolutely be fine and you're worrying way too much.
As someone else said, driving, smoking, and numerous other activities are probably significantly more dangerous.
posted by alaijmw at 5:41 AM on July 28, 2010
As someone else said, driving, smoking, and numerous other activities are probably significantly more dangerous.
posted by alaijmw at 5:41 AM on July 28, 2010
In all honesty, this sounds about as dangerous as my walk to the supermarket yesterday.
My brother did some holidaying on foot in the UK a while ago, and the worst problem he got into was overstretching himself and ending up with sunstroke. And what terrible thing happened then? Erm, a lovely couple on holiday from the USA found him looking a rather poorly, and gave him a lift to the campsite.
posted by Coobeastie at 5:44 AM on July 28, 2010
My brother did some holidaying on foot in the UK a while ago, and the worst problem he got into was overstretching himself and ending up with sunstroke. And what terrible thing happened then? Erm, a lovely couple on holiday from the USA found him looking a rather poorly, and gave him a lift to the campsite.
posted by Coobeastie at 5:44 AM on July 28, 2010
I thought you were going to say Germany to Afghanistan or something. Germany to France? Unless it's 1940, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:45 AM on July 28, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:45 AM on July 28, 2010 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I like you guys! Thanks for the metaphorical calm-down slap.
posted by apophenia at 5:51 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by apophenia at 5:51 AM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: We recently went to the North Sea together and he forgot to pack a flashlight and extra clothes and lost 10 euros.
Maybe going on the trip, stubbing his toe on something in the dark, losing another €10, and coming home in dirty clothes will make him realise he needs to plan ahead more next time.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:51 AM on July 28, 2010
Maybe going on the trip, stubbing his toe on something in the dark, losing another €10, and coming home in dirty clothes will make him realise he needs to plan ahead more next time.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:51 AM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: The thing I would worry about is that he had enough money on him or in his bank account to stay in a hostel if he didn't find a place he felt safe enough to sleep. (I'm a planner, too). Does he have that? Can you wire him a little money so he does? That's about as far as I'd go.
posted by parkerjackson at 6:13 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by parkerjackson at 6:13 AM on July 28, 2010
I went on a long distance walk (with another person) for 14 days across rural England and the worst thing that happened was that the cows looked at me the wrong way and I got scared!
Your friend will either have a bad time and learn to plan ahead and be more realistic about his abilities or he will have an fun, spontaneous time and will probably do similar things in the future.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:18 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your friend will either have a bad time and learn to plan ahead and be more realistic about his abilities or he will have an fun, spontaneous time and will probably do similar things in the future.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:18 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: He doesn't have a bank account. As far as how much money he'll have, I think it would maybe reach for a night at a hostel. I'm not familiar with nightly rates. When we CouchSurfed in Belgium, he had 60 euros for the week (which was enough for that situation.)
He has a cell phone but it can only get incoming calls for three seconds before getting cut off and he can't make outgoing calls because his (pre-paid) phone hasn't had minutes since last year. He is, in principle, unreachable for the next 8 to 10 days, and I think he's being optimistic with that estimate.
Honestly, I have no problem with the idea of him wanting to go on this bike tour but I can't handle not knowing if he's okay and the possibility that I won't be there if something very unlikely does happen.
posted by apophenia at 6:22 AM on July 28, 2010
He has a cell phone but it can only get incoming calls for three seconds before getting cut off and he can't make outgoing calls because his (pre-paid) phone hasn't had minutes since last year. He is, in principle, unreachable for the next 8 to 10 days, and I think he's being optimistic with that estimate.
Honestly, I have no problem with the idea of him wanting to go on this bike tour but I can't handle not knowing if he's okay and the possibility that I won't be there if something very unlikely does happen.
posted by apophenia at 6:22 AM on July 28, 2010
If he's cash poor he might research any squats that might be along his route. Such places are often friendly to a dirt poor traveler without a plan.
posted by rocketpup at 6:39 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by rocketpup at 6:39 AM on July 28, 2010
Buy him a phone card for emergencies? There are still pay phones in Europe aren't there? Or set up some kind of remote phone card account that he can call to contact you with even if he has no money?
But yeah, he's gonna be alright, it's not the Alaskan wilderness in January. Maybe just offer to join him? It sounds fun.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:40 AM on July 28, 2010
But yeah, he's gonna be alright, it's not the Alaskan wilderness in January. Maybe just offer to join him? It sounds fun.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:40 AM on July 28, 2010
Response by poster: Potomac Avenue, I would join him but I'm in Seattle visiting family and having my own CouchSurfing adventures. Otherwise it does sound fun and we both would have been happy with a two-person bike tour.
posted by apophenia at 6:43 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by apophenia at 6:43 AM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: Maybe he needs some time to be able to fail on his own. Without a friend or someone more responsible to help him out, he'll probably realize that it's a good idea to keep track of money, pack extra tire tubes, etc.
In fact, maybe you'll have a much better traveling companion afterwards, someone more able to hold their own.
posted by fontophilic at 7:46 AM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
In fact, maybe you'll have a much better traveling companion afterwards, someone more able to hold their own.
posted by fontophilic at 7:46 AM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
This hardly qualifies as an adventure. It's a bike ride. Hell, my grey-haired mother did this in England a couple years ago. I'm not even quite sure what you're worrying about. There are half a billion people in Europe. He's not going to get lost in the wilderness. If he gets into trouble it will be pretty easy for him to find someone to help him out.
posted by fso at 8:11 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by fso at 8:11 AM on July 28, 2010
Honestly, I think that the most likely thing is that he's going to get a lot less biking done than he thinks he will. He'll have some great stories, though he'll also have experienced some truly annoying boredom that could have be circumvented with some planning. Hey, maybe he'll learn a little.
Only thing that bothers me is him being unreachable. Maybe you can convince him that you will say not ONE negative or cautionary word about any aspect of this trip whatsoever if he agrees to check in with someone at regular intervals.
posted by desuetude at 8:16 AM on July 28, 2010
Only thing that bothers me is him being unreachable. Maybe you can convince him that you will say not ONE negative or cautionary word about any aspect of this trip whatsoever if he agrees to check in with someone at regular intervals.
posted by desuetude at 8:16 AM on July 28, 2010
Hi there. I am also an responsible planner who has a extremely adventurous, irresponsible friend who I used to worry a ton about. The trick is, you just have to give up trying to take care of him. If your friend is the adventurous, irresponsible, type, he's never going to stop being that type. Enjoy him for what he is and stop feeling like it's your responsibility to rescue him. His recklessness and irresponsibility probably also come with really positive qualities: fun, enthusiasm, creativity, achievement, ability to make friends... He'll come out of this standing on his own two feet, most likely.
posted by yarly at 8:16 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 8:16 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: fso, I believe that your grey-haired mother probably has better planning skills than a naive kid.
yarly, I love my friend dearly, he's a great kid, but I know him and he overestimates his capabilities and under-plans everything else.
The better solution here is to let him to learn from his own failures, but it doesn't stop me from not worrying about it. I am also a big fan of adventures and spontaneity, but those two and responsibility can co-exist.
posted by apophenia at 8:32 AM on July 28, 2010
yarly, I love my friend dearly, he's a great kid, but I know him and he overestimates his capabilities and under-plans everything else.
The better solution here is to let him to learn from his own failures, but it doesn't stop me from not worrying about it. I am also a big fan of adventures and spontaneity, but those two and responsibility can co-exist.
posted by apophenia at 8:32 AM on July 28, 2010
Make sure he has enough water, a helmet, spare tubes, and a working prepay phone. As long as he has these, he'll be fine.
If he can't afford these things, I'd begin questioning how this kid manages to eat. (Actually: How does he manage to eat if he's really as poor as you describe?)
posted by schmod at 8:55 AM on July 28, 2010
If he can't afford these things, I'd begin questioning how this kid manages to eat. (Actually: How does he manage to eat if he's really as poor as you describe?)
posted by schmod at 8:55 AM on July 28, 2010
Response by poster: schmod, he lives at home. He manages to eat because his family can afford groceries, but they don't have much extra left. I didn't mean to imply that he was dirt poor, just that he won't have so much during his bike tour.
posted by apophenia at 8:59 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by apophenia at 8:59 AM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: This doesn't seem like he's biking that far. I've traveled a fair bit through Europe, and no matter where I was (especially in Germany), there was always a bus or train that could take me where I needed to go. If he decides at any point that he can't handle it any more, I have no doubt that he'll hop on a train or bus and head back home with no problem. At worst he'll be out of money and hitch a ride.
This strikes me as about average in terms of "dumb things you do while young."
posted by deanc at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2010
This strikes me as about average in terms of "dumb things you do while young."
posted by deanc at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2010
Regarding him being unreachable: people did this kind of thing before there were cell phones.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:38 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:38 AM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm pretty sure that doing dumb things like this when you are young is how you learn not to do dumb things in the future. (Or at least, how to do them properly.)
posted by ErikaB at 9:43 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by ErikaB at 9:43 AM on July 28, 2010
Oh, and just for my own curiosity, is this guy the youngest child in his family?
posted by fontophilic at 9:54 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by fontophilic at 9:54 AM on July 28, 2010
Response by poster: DevilsAdvocate, you're right but as a person who came of age in the time of cell phones and ever-present reach-ability, it's more difficult to come to terms with.
fontophilic, no, actually, he's the oldest of two.
posted by apophenia at 9:55 AM on July 28, 2010
fontophilic, no, actually, he's the oldest of two.
posted by apophenia at 9:55 AM on July 28, 2010
My point isn't that they act a certain way; that was fontophilic's point (I assume). I just thought it was a revealing comment because it suggested that we'll look for certain behavior in a youngest child and then apply a confirmation bias only when the behavior fits our schema. That's how schemas work. Same applies to all sorts of generalizations by category, whether it's birth order, gender, or anything else.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:43 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:43 AM on July 28, 2010
Response by poster: In case anyone's curious, I just called him and know that my friend's provisions include 25 euros, a tarp, a sleeping bag, food, and water.
posted by apophenia at 12:03 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by apophenia at 12:03 PM on July 28, 2010
Mod note: pls take "youngest child" derail elsewhere thanks
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:32 PM on July 28, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:32 PM on July 28, 2010
Best answer: He'll be fine.
However, he will probably mess up and have some adventures that school him on how to be better prepared next time. He might even learn to be less of a flake in general.
Some people need to mess up in order to learn. And Germany/France is not too terrible a place to mess up. It's not like he wants to ride his bike to Vladivostok or something.
posted by Sara C. at 5:33 AM on July 29, 2010
However, he will probably mess up and have some adventures that school him on how to be better prepared next time. He might even learn to be less of a flake in general.
Some people need to mess up in order to learn. And Germany/France is not too terrible a place to mess up. It's not like he wants to ride his bike to Vladivostok or something.
posted by Sara C. at 5:33 AM on July 29, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Now, it does sound ill advised for him to go on such a ride when he is under-trained. He will probably realize this, and adjust as he goes. You could ask him to take a cell phone with him.
Since you are from the same area, you probably already know this, but just to remind you: People in that part of the world are quite used to bicyclists of all ages and experience levels riding through their towns. They are familiar with the stuff and care your friend will need, and many of them will be willing to provide it or sell it to him.
Relax.
posted by copperbleu at 4:45 AM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]