Sorry, your friend's not hot enough.

July 12, 2010 9:49 PM

How do I deal with people pushing blind dates, when love is not (for the moment) blind?

My last relationship (which was a long and serious one) ended a little over a year ago. I've been living like a nun ever since. Lately, I've been feeling ready to date again, which is great! I'm excited! But how do I deal with people trying to set me up with their "but he has such a great personality!" friends?

I'm not even going to pretend this isn't shallow: I'm exclusively looking for very attractive guys right now. A great personality would be nice, but that's not my priority at the moment. I'm a reasonably good-looking woman in my early 20s who didn't have trouble attracting guys I found cute before this year of celibacy, and I just want to break my dry spell with someone I'm overwhelmingly physically attracted to. I've gone a year without sex, and I don't have a problem with waiting a little longer to find someone I'm really psyched about staring at/making out with right off the bat.

My close friends get this, but I guess I've started releasing some sort of old maid pheromone (smells like cat dander and brandy?) and I've started to have family and more distant acquaintances pushing me toward guys who I'm sure are very nice but who don't do anything for me visually. I mean, to the point where they're setting up meetings without me explicitly saying I'm interested. How do I dissuade this without offending anyone? I know they just mean well, and if I were trying to set someone up with some awesome friend of mine, I'd be hurt to hear that my friend wasn't good-looking enough. Is it less rude to go through with a date, even when I know (really, I know) that it won't go anywhere (thanks, Facebook photos!)? Do I need to give a Wet Hot American Summer-style "That's where my priorities are right now" speech? I know that there are plenty of virtues in being less shallow, but assume that's off the table for now.

Followup emails can be sent to [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Tell your friends that you are looking for an explosive physical connection, and are unwilling to compromise. You might be looking for laughs and good conversation later, but for right now, you know what you want.
Or, exactly what you articulated in your question.
posted by pickypicky at 10:00 PM on July 12, 2010

Well, if its a set-up hang out, I just go along. But if they are setting up one on one dates, the answer is a simple no thanks.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:05 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Trust none of your acquaintances to intuit your definition of attractiveness. Refuse to be set up: this should offend no one, since your mating is not their business. Find your own man, in your own way, in your own time.
posted by thejoshu at 10:06 PM on July 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Tell your friends you are going through a heartbreaker phase and that you don't want the nice guys/relationships. You wouldn't want to break their friend's hearts, right? No harm in being blunt about it. We're all adults, I think, and sometimes you just wanna bone someone who is incredibly hot.
posted by two lights above the sea at 10:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Step 1: "I don't know... I really have a rule against blind dates." (They say: he's great, blah blah)
Step 2: "Well, what's his name, what's he do, how old is he?" (They say: full name and company for your facebook stalking use)
Step 3: Defer! "Ugh, let me think about it. I mean this is a real rule I have in place."
Step 4: Facebook stalkage.
Step 5: Verdict. "Sorry, The Law of No Blind Dates is harsh and blind. I will not go." (Alternatively: "I'm breaking my rule for you (and to meet your super-hot friend/nephew.)")
posted by samthemander at 10:14 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

"He's just not my type" is a nicer way of phrasing "he's fugly."
posted by Jacqueline at 10:22 PM on July 12, 2010

"I'm sure your guyfriend is cool, but I'm really only looking for a boytoy/plaything/bonebuddy right now and I wouldn't want to mislead him, being your friend and all. But thanks anyway!"

orrr, you can say, as I've said to friends in the past "I don't do blind dates unless I like what I see."


Kudos for knowing what you want!
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 10:38 PM on July 12, 2010

Say as little as possible to your well-intentioned friends about why you're declining their set-ups, and just go find your hottie yourself and have fun. Then, later, when/if your desire for perfect physical hotness cools down a bit, you may be interested in being set-up with the average-lookers.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:16 PM on July 12, 2010

Assuming that you are somehow finding out what these people look like via a photo or something, then it is a reasonable assumption that people are expecting you to make a superficial judgment... you are hardly the first person to judge your dating partners by their looks, and the whole notion of giving you a photo/pointing them out first is surely to give you this opportunity (I'm assuming this is happening since otherwise I'm not sure how you know whether or not they are attractive). There is not really any shame in this, I wouldn't think!
posted by jojobobo at 1:17 AM on July 13, 2010

This (your last paragraph). I've been on the receiving end of that, too, and have been single for quite some time. Your instincts are right. What I found after much trial and error is that (a) friends setting me up are drawing from a very small pool of "single friends" and the chances of a real connection are low; and (b) friends can't untangle you rejecting their blind date choice from their own ego and do get offended. My solution: "Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm on a relationship sabbatical right now. I'm sure that will change at some point in the future and I'll let you know!" Show no curiosity about the blind date, don't ask any filtering questions that turn it into a negotiation, don't try to explain why, just shut it down as soon as you see they are offering up a blind date and change the subject.
posted by kovacs at 3:47 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

Ask to see a photo, and if you don't find him attractive, say, "Sorry, he's not my type." They can't reasonably expect you to be physically attracted to someone just because he's a friend of theirs. If they won't show you a photo, say you don't go on blind dates.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:45 AM on July 13, 2010

All of the above advice is great; however, if you've got a super-hot girlfriend who tends to date super-hot guys, you may want to give her a listen if she's got someone for you, particularly if it's an old flame she's remained friends with.
posted by teg4rvn at 9:53 AM on July 13, 2010

If you want to imply things and be only semi-explicit about your priorities, their "oh, he's really sweet, a great guy once you get to know him" can be answered with, "and that's why he shouldn't be involved with me right now! (wink wink)" (pause haha) "No, really, I don't want to get friends involved in something that I'm not planning on taking seriously."
posted by aimedwander at 12:10 PM on July 13, 2010

I would simply tell your friends and family that you don't like blind dates and therefore prefer not to go on them. Be polite, tell them you appreciate that they thought of you, but due to some recent bad experiences you refuse to go out on anymore blind dates. And put your foot down.

I think you should try internet dating. There are some free sites out there, and of course the paying ones. As a girl, and with a decent profile, you'll have your pick of guys. And this way you'll see what they look like so you can decide whether to respond to an email and pursue someone. Internet dating really is the norm the days. I say go for it!
posted by ljs30 at 12:35 PM on July 13, 2010