Privilege, Meet Guilt.
July 12, 2010 9:45 PM Subscribe
The-Ultimate-First-World-Problem-filter: how do I manage my nearly neurotic guilt with spending money on the necessities of modern urban life?
Early 20s male American here. My experimentation with minimal living over the past few years has been on the whole very rewarding, but I seem to be taking it to an extreme. While I'm fairly certain I'll have a reasonable degree of financial stability in the near and far future, and while I'm very interested in having a family, the thought of owning a house and a car, or living in a nice neighborhood, or providing myself and my future family even the basic creature comforts I grew up with (good food, the occasional vacation, entertainment, etc) is giving me tremendous guilt and anxiety. Partly because of Peter Singer, and partly because I accept the notions of white / straight / male privilege (which all apply to me), I often feel I don't deserve the level of comfort I enjoy. Additionally, I worry about the environmental impact of the things I consume. This guilt has started to hurt my relationships with my friends, all of whom tell me I live a relatively simple lifestyle and deserve a reasonable level of comfort and happiness. Their words don't register for me emotionally.
What are some concrete strategies for achieving peace with my level of consumption without imposing unrealistic austerity on my friends, partner and future family members? While I already focus on (domestic) poverty and inequality professionally, any additional steps I can take to ease my guilt are also welcome.
Early 20s male American here. My experimentation with minimal living over the past few years has been on the whole very rewarding, but I seem to be taking it to an extreme. While I'm fairly certain I'll have a reasonable degree of financial stability in the near and far future, and while I'm very interested in having a family, the thought of owning a house and a car, or living in a nice neighborhood, or providing myself and my future family even the basic creature comforts I grew up with (good food, the occasional vacation, entertainment, etc) is giving me tremendous guilt and anxiety. Partly because of Peter Singer, and partly because I accept the notions of white / straight / male privilege (which all apply to me), I often feel I don't deserve the level of comfort I enjoy. Additionally, I worry about the environmental impact of the things I consume. This guilt has started to hurt my relationships with my friends, all of whom tell me I live a relatively simple lifestyle and deserve a reasonable level of comfort and happiness. Their words don't register for me emotionally.
What are some concrete strategies for achieving peace with my level of consumption without imposing unrealistic austerity on my friends, partner and future family members? While I already focus on (domestic) poverty and inequality professionally, any additional steps I can take to ease my guilt are also welcome.
Acknowledging your blessings is a good start-being grateful for what you have, which sounds like it would be no problem for you. Focus on gratitude and appreciation. So many who have what you have are incredibly unaware and ungrateful. And that guilt can be a form of ingratitude.
Doing what you can-whether volunteering, giving, or otherwise helping others, recycling, etc. would be good. Be grateful you are in a position to do it.
And remember that even if you gave up all your worldly possessions, if you don't have love, it profits you nothing. (I corinthians 14)
So, live a life of love. Which includes providing nice things for a prospective family, btw.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:51 PM on July 12, 2010
Doing what you can-whether volunteering, giving, or otherwise helping others, recycling, etc. would be good. Be grateful you are in a position to do it.
And remember that even if you gave up all your worldly possessions, if you don't have love, it profits you nothing. (I corinthians 14)
So, live a life of love. Which includes providing nice things for a prospective family, btw.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:51 PM on July 12, 2010
Best answer: I don't think this can be resolved.
But there are some strategies that seem to work emotionally, if not logically:
1) I'm doing my part (absolute): you are doing concrete acts of good, for which you should feel good. Allow yourself to focus on this.
2) I'm doing my part (relative): you are doing much more good and less harm than others similarly situated. Use this as a benchmark of what can reasonably be expected of you.
3) I am doing what is psychologically possible. Understand that you have to have close attachments to other people, as a matter of psychological realism and perhaps for moral reasons as well. In the situation you've been given, it seems that you have to spend money to have those relations.
4) I have to enjoy what I've been given. Fretting over your privileges unproductively can be seen as a "waste" of those privileges.
And I expect there will be a vocal contingent of responders who will try to recharacterize your moral feelings as psychological dysfunction: perhaps you have "anxiety" and should see a therapist. This course has advantages and disadvantages, both practical and theoretical.
posted by grobstein at 9:53 PM on July 12, 2010 [10 favorites]
But there are some strategies that seem to work emotionally, if not logically:
1) I'm doing my part (absolute): you are doing concrete acts of good, for which you should feel good. Allow yourself to focus on this.
2) I'm doing my part (relative): you are doing much more good and less harm than others similarly situated. Use this as a benchmark of what can reasonably be expected of you.
3) I am doing what is psychologically possible. Understand that you have to have close attachments to other people, as a matter of psychological realism and perhaps for moral reasons as well. In the situation you've been given, it seems that you have to spend money to have those relations.
4) I have to enjoy what I've been given. Fretting over your privileges unproductively can be seen as a "waste" of those privileges.
And I expect there will be a vocal contingent of responders who will try to recharacterize your moral feelings as psychological dysfunction: perhaps you have "anxiety" and should see a therapist. This course has advantages and disadvantages, both practical and theoretical.
posted by grobstein at 9:53 PM on July 12, 2010 [10 favorites]
Nobody deserve what they get. That goes for the good and the bad. (We are all the product of chance, whether it be in the genes we got and didn't get, or the trust funds we got or didn't get, or the education and encouragement from adults in childhood we got or didn't get.)
This is a case where the inverse is as damaging as the popular materialistic meme; it isn't what you have that makes you 'bad' any more than that is what makes you 'good'. Get over that kind of assessment. Measure yourself by what you give instead instead of by what you have.
(never said I could do it, just that I try. So just try.)
posted by Some1 at 9:59 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is a case where the inverse is as damaging as the popular materialistic meme; it isn't what you have that makes you 'bad' any more than that is what makes you 'good'. Get over that kind of assessment. Measure yourself by what you give instead instead of by what you have.
(never said I could do it, just that I try. So just try.)
posted by Some1 at 9:59 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sure this is not going to reflect very well on me, and you may even find my feelings to be repellent, but ...
I used to feel the way you feel, until I did a LOT of public interest work for a very long time and met a lot of the people who were benefitting by that work. You focus on poverty and inequality professionally ... but is your work more academic, where you're doing a lot of reading, writing, library research, or are you out actually working with people directly?
I always hear about people who do public interest work and come away from it inspired and loving humanity. I came away from it feeling used and cheated. I would work my ass off for free for people, and they would take my services and use the money they would have spent on the most frivolous consumer goods, while I was barely making ends meet. I met so many women who lived in public housing or accepted other free services who had closets full of designer bags, weekly standing hairdresser appointments; things it would have taken me weeks to save up for. The cherry on the cake was when I lent a grand in good faith to someone who told me she was desperate -- of course, she had no intention of repaying me, and the first thing she did with my money was go to the beauty salon and get a new set of acryllic nails done.
I realized that most lower-income people are just like most most higher-income people - materialistic as fuck. I kind of stopped feeling the need to break my back to help people after I realized they weren't doing the same.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I used to feel the way you feel, until I did a LOT of public interest work for a very long time and met a lot of the people who were benefitting by that work. You focus on poverty and inequality professionally ... but is your work more academic, where you're doing a lot of reading, writing, library research, or are you out actually working with people directly?
I always hear about people who do public interest work and come away from it inspired and loving humanity. I came away from it feeling used and cheated. I would work my ass off for free for people, and they would take my services and use the money they would have spent on the most frivolous consumer goods, while I was barely making ends meet. I met so many women who lived in public housing or accepted other free services who had closets full of designer bags, weekly standing hairdresser appointments; things it would have taken me weeks to save up for. The cherry on the cake was when I lent a grand in good faith to someone who told me she was desperate -- of course, she had no intention of repaying me, and the first thing she did with my money was go to the beauty salon and get a new set of acryllic nails done.
I realized that most lower-income people are just like most most higher-income people - materialistic as fuck. I kind of stopped feeling the need to break my back to help people after I realized they weren't doing the same.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
What would those who do not have what you have think of your guilt and anxiety over spending your money? I imagine that many wouldn't understand it - they would wish to be so lucky to have such "problems". Do good works for others, contribute generously to causes close to your heart, and enjoy your life and what you have. Your guilt is serving no one.
posted by cecic at 10:09 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by cecic at 10:09 PM on July 12, 2010
Actively work towards a more equitable society. Volunteer with organizations working for systemic change rather than charity, or if you can swing it, actually get a job as an organizer, advocate, or what-have-you. Find ways to let others use your straight-white-male privilege for their own ends, and in doing so, help build cross-class/race/gender/etc. relationships. Anything else is just jerking off into the wind.
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:21 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:21 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it makes you feel any better, the poor don't care how austerely you live.
I accept the notions of white / straight / male privilege
I don't understand what these kinds of privilege have to do with your personal comfort or consumption. Also, from what I understand of Singer's work he wouldn't argue that individual self-deprivation is in any way a rational response to poverty—it's a broader, much more political programme of poverty alleviation he favours. The moral obligation he's arguing for isn't in favour of austerity, but for the alternative use of surplus wealth. In other words it's the positive act of giving, rather than the negative act of going without, that matters.
Are you religious? You sound a great deal like a lot of religious people I've talked to who've had the same aversion to materialism and (relative) wealth. If so, I prescribe Ecclesiastes 9:7-10.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:23 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
I accept the notions of white / straight / male privilege
I don't understand what these kinds of privilege have to do with your personal comfort or consumption. Also, from what I understand of Singer's work he wouldn't argue that individual self-deprivation is in any way a rational response to poverty—it's a broader, much more political programme of poverty alleviation he favours. The moral obligation he's arguing for isn't in favour of austerity, but for the alternative use of surplus wealth. In other words it's the positive act of giving, rather than the negative act of going without, that matters.
Are you religious? You sound a great deal like a lot of religious people I've talked to who've had the same aversion to materialism and (relative) wealth. If so, I prescribe Ecclesiastes 9:7-10.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:23 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
I realized that most lower-income people are just like most most higher-income people - materialistic as fuck. I kind of stopped feeling the need to break my back to help people after I realized they weren't doing the same.
I've had a really different situation, though I'm sure situations like Ashley801's exist as well. I do a lot of what I'd call "direct service" work in the small town that I live in. In addition, I have a well paying [some might say "cushy"] job working for MetaFilter that gives me decent cash, good tech gear, and health insurance.
I parlay the fact that I am well-paid and supported to do more work for low or no cost in my community. I help people use computers. I fix people's stupid computer problems. I answer tech support questions basically for free. I teach classes and do local work for much less than my "going rate" I feel that I get to do this because I'm fortunate and this is my way of sharing my fortune. I live a pretty spare existence [no TV, ten year old car, used clothes and furniture] that I call "low on the food chain" and at the same time, I travel a lot to give talks to people and to tell them how I do things, mostly talking to librarians about helping people use technology.
At the same time, I made and make social choices that are sometimes not totally in line with my austere existence. Why? Because one of the things that helps me be me [and helping local people, etc] is having friends and being social, and realistically everyone isn't like me, so I draw lines where they seem reasonable. I go out to eat more than I might if I were totally on my own. I drive more than I might if I were totally worried about my carbon footprint. I see this as the costs of living in a society and I keep those costs low, sort of as grobstein says, low relative to others around me.
And there are big ticket things like having kids. People make their own choices and that's fine, but to me not having kids is one of the real "low on the food chain" things that I can do and that I chose to do. And so if I'm feeling guilty about buying a packet of Twizzlers, I think of the 18 years of diapers and Twizzlers and outgrown clothing I'm not buying. Again, I do not mean to give anyone a hard time that decides to have kids, but this was a major choice that I made partly for "I don't want to buy shit" reasons and a decision that helps me deal with guilt and ecology concerns in smallish ways.
So, your privilege in some ways is a gift. Not everyone has it. it's good to use it to help other people who don't have it. Helping you BE you, and be fed and clothed and alive and healthy, helps forward that if you're already doing work with populations that could use help. And yes, you can take self-abnegation too far and turn asceticism into a fetish and then you're not only not pleasing yourself, you're becoming more of a pariah and turning an opinion into a total lifestyle which is not solving problems for you. Part of comfort is being comfortable at YOUR level. My level isn't what other people's is, and being cognizant of this allows me to interact with other people without being judgey and terrible and without them lecturing me on my crappy lifestyle. It's a fine-tuned balancing act, but just listening and adjusting and observing is more than a lot of people do. Or it's possible you need new friends. You're fine, nothing's wrong with being simple.
posted by jessamyn at 10:23 PM on July 12, 2010 [8 favorites]
I've had a really different situation, though I'm sure situations like Ashley801's exist as well. I do a lot of what I'd call "direct service" work in the small town that I live in. In addition, I have a well paying [some might say "cushy"] job working for MetaFilter that gives me decent cash, good tech gear, and health insurance.
I parlay the fact that I am well-paid and supported to do more work for low or no cost in my community. I help people use computers. I fix people's stupid computer problems. I answer tech support questions basically for free. I teach classes and do local work for much less than my "going rate" I feel that I get to do this because I'm fortunate and this is my way of sharing my fortune. I live a pretty spare existence [no TV, ten year old car, used clothes and furniture] that I call "low on the food chain" and at the same time, I travel a lot to give talks to people and to tell them how I do things, mostly talking to librarians about helping people use technology.
At the same time, I made and make social choices that are sometimes not totally in line with my austere existence. Why? Because one of the things that helps me be me [and helping local people, etc] is having friends and being social, and realistically everyone isn't like me, so I draw lines where they seem reasonable. I go out to eat more than I might if I were totally on my own. I drive more than I might if I were totally worried about my carbon footprint. I see this as the costs of living in a society and I keep those costs low, sort of as grobstein says, low relative to others around me.
And there are big ticket things like having kids. People make their own choices and that's fine, but to me not having kids is one of the real "low on the food chain" things that I can do and that I chose to do. And so if I'm feeling guilty about buying a packet of Twizzlers, I think of the 18 years of diapers and Twizzlers and outgrown clothing I'm not buying. Again, I do not mean to give anyone a hard time that decides to have kids, but this was a major choice that I made partly for "I don't want to buy shit" reasons and a decision that helps me deal with guilt and ecology concerns in smallish ways.
So, your privilege in some ways is a gift. Not everyone has it. it's good to use it to help other people who don't have it. Helping you BE you, and be fed and clothed and alive and healthy, helps forward that if you're already doing work with populations that could use help. And yes, you can take self-abnegation too far and turn asceticism into a fetish and then you're not only not pleasing yourself, you're becoming more of a pariah and turning an opinion into a total lifestyle which is not solving problems for you. Part of comfort is being comfortable at YOUR level. My level isn't what other people's is, and being cognizant of this allows me to interact with other people without being judgey and terrible and without them lecturing me on my crappy lifestyle. It's a fine-tuned balancing act, but just listening and adjusting and observing is more than a lot of people do. Or it's possible you need new friends. You're fine, nothing's wrong with being simple.
posted by jessamyn at 10:23 PM on July 12, 2010 [8 favorites]
go to the beauty salon and get a new set of acryllic nails done.
Which, according to the poster in the window of my neighborhood bog-standard nail salon, costs under $20.
The poor get to use their money exactly as they choose, just as you do. Just because you have priorities that are "better" doesn't give you a right to decide whose petty little personal expenditures are OK, and whose are not. If you decide to lend someone money, once you give it to them, it's theirs. Period.
As to how this relates to the asker's question? I would say this. Realize that we all have our luxuries in life. We all have itches we need scratched whether it is an absolute human need or not. Those luxuries are going to be different based on race, class, gender, religion, geographic setting and all the other ways we separate ourselves into tribes. But we all have ours, and we need that in order to feel human. Don't let your worry about privilege prevent you from getting to feel human.
posted by Sara C. at 10:55 PM on July 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
Which, according to the poster in the window of my neighborhood bog-standard nail salon, costs under $20.
The poor get to use their money exactly as they choose, just as you do. Just because you have priorities that are "better" doesn't give you a right to decide whose petty little personal expenditures are OK, and whose are not. If you decide to lend someone money, once you give it to them, it's theirs. Period.
As to how this relates to the asker's question? I would say this. Realize that we all have our luxuries in life. We all have itches we need scratched whether it is an absolute human need or not. Those luxuries are going to be different based on race, class, gender, religion, geographic setting and all the other ways we separate ourselves into tribes. But we all have ours, and we need that in order to feel human. Don't let your worry about privilege prevent you from getting to feel human.
posted by Sara C. at 10:55 PM on July 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
White male guilt is itself the ultimate in decadence.
How guilty should you feel about being wealthier than others? Precisely as guilty as the people in the #2 poorest country in the world feel about being wealthier than their neighbors in the #1 poorest country in the world.
The trick is not to be guilty about your lot in life, but be grateful and put it to good use. Me? I'm a white male born to good-looking, upper-middle class protestant parents in Greenwich, Connecticut. That's the genetic and geographic jackpot. Throw it all away and mentally flagellate myself for the rest of my life? No way, because that's a giant F.U. to my parents who worked hard to put me there. And if you're a spiritual man like me, it's an even bigger insult to your Creator who blessed you with such fortune.
You can do more good for the world by playing the game at the level you're at. Bill Gates is doing a hell of a lot more for mankind than Mother Teresa ever did. Be modest in your consumption, be generous to charity, take care of your family, and above all, thank profusely those whose hard work gave you these opportunities. Anything more is wasteful.
posted by holterbarbour at 11:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [7 favorites]
How guilty should you feel about being wealthier than others? Precisely as guilty as the people in the #2 poorest country in the world feel about being wealthier than their neighbors in the #1 poorest country in the world.
The trick is not to be guilty about your lot in life, but be grateful and put it to good use. Me? I'm a white male born to good-looking, upper-middle class protestant parents in Greenwich, Connecticut. That's the genetic and geographic jackpot. Throw it all away and mentally flagellate myself for the rest of my life? No way, because that's a giant F.U. to my parents who worked hard to put me there. And if you're a spiritual man like me, it's an even bigger insult to your Creator who blessed you with such fortune.
You can do more good for the world by playing the game at the level you're at. Bill Gates is doing a hell of a lot more for mankind than Mother Teresa ever did. Be modest in your consumption, be generous to charity, take care of your family, and above all, thank profusely those whose hard work gave you these opportunities. Anything more is wasteful.
posted by holterbarbour at 11:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Kids are naive and honest. And a lot of times, when children become aware of their financial situation relative to the rest of the world's, they come up with great, straightforward ideas:
Granted, I'd agree that having six weeks of vacation of year would be a higher quality of life than having two weeks off. But to plenty of people in the world , that's like arguing that your Lexus is shittier than their Bentley. Worrying about my attention span instead of finding potable water is a real, tangible benefit. The rich, westernized world is not the majority of the world, but because it's where we all vacation, get our media from, our history lessons are centered (starting at age seven), because our governments are closer allies and have more similar interests and histories, we think that the rich, westernized world is the world, just as New Yorkers think that New York City is the U.S. They won't hear any arguments to the contrary, and will defend paying $2500 for a one-bedroom and not venturing to New Jersey for twenty years because that's all they know.
Personally, I'm glad you feel the way you do. It means that you have a soul that still works and can empathize with people you've never met—and that's just what the world needs.
If you feel guilty, maybe it's because on some level, you feel that by spending time with the kind of people you see as the problem, or wanting things that are part of the problem, bit by bit, you're compromising your principles. Cognitive dissonance can lead to nasty, counterproductive behavior. Try to find people who understand you. Spend some energy on a regular basis helping the causes you most care about. Consume mindfully.
If your job, social circle, the bulk of your consumption habits, and some of your free time are aligned with your beliefs, you'll feel better. I usually find that going about my way and trying to set a good example—not nagging, pestering, or trying to outright teach anyone—is the best way to pique others' interest in my ideals and way of life. Remember that even if no one in your immediate social circle feels the way you do, there are people who understand you, think like you, and are engaged in similar conflicts (intra- and interpersonal) elsewhere in the world.
Remember that guilt is a time and energy sap. You can't beat yourself up for being perfect, and if you analyzed everything you do (should I shower? oh, the precious water!), you'd never get anything done. Because you care and are motivated, you are exactly the kind of person who can enact the kinds of change that the world needs. The world needs you up, out of bed, and doing good things.
posted by blazingunicorn at 11:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [7 favorites]
Doug Garr, who lives in Manhattan, said that once his son was old enough to understand that the family had two homes, his son suggested giving one to a homeless person. “His logic was sound,” Mr. Garr recalled. “Why should we live in two homes when so many live in none? I had no answer for that one.”It's only when we become adults, after a lifetime of being bombarded by advertising and becoming accustomed to our "way of life"--things that in any other time and place in the world would be considered ridiculous luxuries--that we rationalize the behavior that causes it, largely because we're not forced to deal with its human or environmental consequences on a daily basis. We feel that we deserve stuff because we work harder. When really, we work so much less and get so much more.
Granted, I'd agree that having six weeks of vacation of year would be a higher quality of life than having two weeks off. But to plenty of people in the world , that's like arguing that your Lexus is shittier than their Bentley. Worrying about my attention span instead of finding potable water is a real, tangible benefit. The rich, westernized world is not the majority of the world, but because it's where we all vacation, get our media from, our history lessons are centered (starting at age seven), because our governments are closer allies and have more similar interests and histories, we think that the rich, westernized world is the world, just as New Yorkers think that New York City is the U.S. They won't hear any arguments to the contrary, and will defend paying $2500 for a one-bedroom and not venturing to New Jersey for twenty years because that's all they know.
Personally, I'm glad you feel the way you do. It means that you have a soul that still works and can empathize with people you've never met—and that's just what the world needs.
If you feel guilty, maybe it's because on some level, you feel that by spending time with the kind of people you see as the problem, or wanting things that are part of the problem, bit by bit, you're compromising your principles. Cognitive dissonance can lead to nasty, counterproductive behavior. Try to find people who understand you. Spend some energy on a regular basis helping the causes you most care about. Consume mindfully.
If your job, social circle, the bulk of your consumption habits, and some of your free time are aligned with your beliefs, you'll feel better. I usually find that going about my way and trying to set a good example—not nagging, pestering, or trying to outright teach anyone—is the best way to pique others' interest in my ideals and way of life. Remember that even if no one in your immediate social circle feels the way you do, there are people who understand you, think like you, and are engaged in similar conflicts (intra- and interpersonal) elsewhere in the world.
Remember that guilt is a time and energy sap. You can't beat yourself up for being perfect, and if you analyzed everything you do (should I shower? oh, the precious water!), you'd never get anything done. Because you care and are motivated, you are exactly the kind of person who can enact the kinds of change that the world needs. The world needs you up, out of bed, and doing good things.
posted by blazingunicorn at 11:09 PM on July 12, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You cannot function if you are constantly evaluating if you are making the 'appropriate' choice. Your actions are mostly mediated by your habits, which are, to a large extent, beyond conscious control. The best you can do is cultivate more sustainable habits one at a time. There is no point to living sustainably if this means that you are anxious and neurotic about it. You will not be a suitable role model if you seem to be constantly fretting and unhappy.
Your choices are your own; forcing your views and habits on your friends and loved ones is misguided at best, and an act of violence at worst. Lead by example. If you seem happy and fulfilled in your sustainable habits, people are far more likely to adopt them.
posted by sid at 11:19 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your choices are your own; forcing your views and habits on your friends and loved ones is misguided at best, and an act of violence at worst. Lead by example. If you seem happy and fulfilled in your sustainable habits, people are far more likely to adopt them.
posted by sid at 11:19 PM on July 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
1. If you accept his moral philosophy, why not follow Peter Singer's lead? Here's his website where he suggests the minimum people should be donating based on their salary. It's actually very little -- unless you're earning more than $105,000, the suggestion is just 1%. Here, from his personal website, he says that he himself gives 25% of his income to NGOs (second question). That's quite a bit more, obviously, but if you're truly concerned about it you could certainly try to follow him. (Note he says that he's been increasing to that amount for 30 years...).
2. Here's a Jack Gilbert poem that a friend once sent to me when I was going through similar worries:
A Brief for the Defense
Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have know and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
everyday in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction
we lessen the importance of their depravation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit that there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
Anchored late at night in the tiny port
Looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
Is three shuttered cafes and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.
posted by one_bean at 11:38 PM on July 12, 2010 [14 favorites]
2. Here's a Jack Gilbert poem that a friend once sent to me when I was going through similar worries:
A Brief for the Defense
Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have know and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
everyday in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction
we lessen the importance of their depravation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit that there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
Anchored late at night in the tiny port
Looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
Is three shuttered cafes and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.
posted by one_bean at 11:38 PM on July 12, 2010 [14 favorites]
You have been brainwashed to hate yourself, your own kind, and your civilization, which made your current state possible. You are, currently, a fool. The logical outcome of your current trajectory is self-destruction, suicide. You need to wake up and realize that you're allowing a nasty (memetic) virus that has infected your mind to kill you. If you allow it to kill you, you will deserve to die. Others with better survival instincts (but no concept of nobility) will come and take everything you have, and piss on you as you lie dying. If you continue on your foolish path, you will let them.
What's happening to you is a microcosm of what's happening to our civilization, Western civilization, the greatest civilization this planet has ever seen. (At least, as far as we know.) It is growing ill, and it may die. If it can't regain the will to preserve itself, it deserves to. I hope it will come to its senses. But if not, I will mourn it, nonetheless.
Tell the evil plague-carriers like Singer to go jump in a deep hole and explode.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 1:23 AM on July 13, 2010 [8 favorites]
What's happening to you is a microcosm of what's happening to our civilization, Western civilization, the greatest civilization this planet has ever seen. (At least, as far as we know.) It is growing ill, and it may die. If it can't regain the will to preserve itself, it deserves to. I hope it will come to its senses. But if not, I will mourn it, nonetheless.
Tell the evil plague-carriers like Singer to go jump in a deep hole and explode.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 1:23 AM on July 13, 2010 [8 favorites]
Try thinking about it another way: most of the people who don't have the advantages and comforts that you have would jump at the chance to obtain them.
For you to deny yourself out of guilt could be seen as almost as arrogant as indulging yourself without a second thought. In both cases you are taking for granted your ability and right to have these things, if you so choose. You are still privileged because you have the choice. And to someone who doesn't have the choice to live in comfort, you would seem very foolish not to use what you have access to and enjoy the good life you have.
Of course it is a wonderful thing to sacrifice some of what you could have in order to benefit others. Give to causes you care about, and have gratitude for the fact that you are in a position to do so. Being compassionate is what separates you from the over-privileged assholes of the world.
Do what you can to help, then don't beat yourself up about enjoying what pretty much every person on the planet would enjoy guilt-free if they ever got the opportunity.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:51 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
For you to deny yourself out of guilt could be seen as almost as arrogant as indulging yourself without a second thought. In both cases you are taking for granted your ability and right to have these things, if you so choose. You are still privileged because you have the choice. And to someone who doesn't have the choice to live in comfort, you would seem very foolish not to use what you have access to and enjoy the good life you have.
Of course it is a wonderful thing to sacrifice some of what you could have in order to benefit others. Give to causes you care about, and have gratitude for the fact that you are in a position to do so. Being compassionate is what separates you from the over-privileged assholes of the world.
Do what you can to help, then don't beat yourself up about enjoying what pretty much every person on the planet would enjoy guilt-free if they ever got the opportunity.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:51 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do the following:
1. Realise that if the poor person you was born in your situation, he would like do what most people do: not a lot.
2. Donate some of your money to helping a poor person or poor people have a better life.
3. Don't be do damned self-centered. You were lucky enough to be born into this situation, billions of people were not, so you better damn well make the best of it. They're not going to benefit from a rich guy complaining.
posted by devnull at 2:52 AM on July 13, 2010
1. Realise that if the poor person you was born in your situation, he would like do what most people do: not a lot.
2. Donate some of your money to helping a poor person or poor people have a better life.
3. Don't be do damned self-centered. You were lucky enough to be born into this situation, billions of people were not, so you better damn well make the best of it. They're not going to benefit from a rich guy complaining.
posted by devnull at 2:52 AM on July 13, 2010
Various kinds of privilege exist. We've all seen the statistics -- there's a huge measure of chance involved. The contrivance is in the guilt. You drew a good lot and have stuff. More stuff than some, less stuff than others, but there's no reason to feel guilty -- it helps nobody and the only cause it advances is that of angst.
People who manage to drag themselves out of poverty and into wealth -- who are themselves likely creating a lineage of privilege, do not feel guilty, they appreciate what they have.
Do what you can for others and enjoy your life -- nobody else's strife is eased or happiness enhanced by your guilt.
posted by toomuchpete at 4:47 AM on July 13, 2010
People who manage to drag themselves out of poverty and into wealth -- who are themselves likely creating a lineage of privilege, do not feel guilty, they appreciate what they have.
Do what you can for others and enjoy your life -- nobody else's strife is eased or happiness enhanced by your guilt.
posted by toomuchpete at 4:47 AM on July 13, 2010
So, your privilege in some ways is a gift. Not everyone has it.
This. The question isn't what do you have -- it's what do you do with what you have?
The person above who suggested putting the rest of your life -- your work, your friendships -- in line with your beliefs was right. It's painful and difficult to be the one person who cares about X, when everyone around you is only caring about Y. It is isolating and depressing.
At the same time, I think a sense of perspective is really important. If you haven't already, find ways to spend time around actual, real life poor people both in the US and overseas. Your privilege isn't some abstract "white guy" thing -- it's concrete, money and family and access to certain kinds of cultural capital and education and not being beaten by the police and so on. You need to own that privilege in the same concrete way, and then decide what you are going to do with it.
I met a guy once -- an educated, middle-class white guy with a great job -- who decided on principle he was going to live on the level of an "average" person in the world, a few dollars a day if I remember correctly. If that average person couldn't access good dentistry, he didn't either. All that happened was that he had to have a bunch of teeth pulled -- his extreme abnegation did nothing for poor people around the world. Again, your privilege and your history are there, whether you want it or not -- your decision is what you do with that privilege, and pretending that you don't have it doesn't change a thing.
posted by Forktine at 5:53 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
This. The question isn't what do you have -- it's what do you do with what you have?
The person above who suggested putting the rest of your life -- your work, your friendships -- in line with your beliefs was right. It's painful and difficult to be the one person who cares about X, when everyone around you is only caring about Y. It is isolating and depressing.
At the same time, I think a sense of perspective is really important. If you haven't already, find ways to spend time around actual, real life poor people both in the US and overseas. Your privilege isn't some abstract "white guy" thing -- it's concrete, money and family and access to certain kinds of cultural capital and education and not being beaten by the police and so on. You need to own that privilege in the same concrete way, and then decide what you are going to do with it.
I met a guy once -- an educated, middle-class white guy with a great job -- who decided on principle he was going to live on the level of an "average" person in the world, a few dollars a day if I remember correctly. If that average person couldn't access good dentistry, he didn't either. All that happened was that he had to have a bunch of teeth pulled -- his extreme abnegation did nothing for poor people around the world. Again, your privilege and your history are there, whether you want it or not -- your decision is what you do with that privilege, and pretending that you don't have it doesn't change a thing.
posted by Forktine at 5:53 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: 1. Guilt is a useless emotion. 2. Work against the recapitulation of privilege in any areas of your life that you can. (Don't speak in meetings at work until at least 3 women have spoken, Ask why there are no people of color in your working group, Advocate for equal benefits for same-sex partners in your work place, etc.) 3. Enjoy your life. 4. Donate your time and money to organizations working for a more just world. 5. Make conscious choices about the places you live, the things you buy, and the experiences you pay for. And, then do not second guess your decisions.
posted by hworth at 5:55 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by hworth at 5:55 AM on July 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
I struggle with this a lot. What's been said above about gratitude and working for structural change has definitely helped me. It has also helped me to remember that obsessively focusing on the purity of my own lifestyle is (a) not going to change anything and (b) can lead to self-righteousness. I have also learned that in order to maintain relationships with people in the world I have to accept a certain level of excess, e.g. when it comes to eating out. This same principle extends to living with people, especially a partner and family. If you want to have a family, you won't be able to live as simply as you would like. Hopefully you will find someone who shares your values, but there will still be sacrifices, especially for your children's sakes. If you want simplicity to be at the heart of your life, you probably cannot have a family.
Please feel free to memail me if you'd like to continue this discussion. It's great to find a kindred spirit!
posted by lucy.verdad at 6:56 AM on July 13, 2010
Please feel free to memail me if you'd like to continue this discussion. It's great to find a kindred spirit!
posted by lucy.verdad at 6:56 AM on July 13, 2010
Don't waste your resources, and donate what you are comfortable with. But the path toward equality is NOT bringing the wealthy/lucky/privileged down, but elevating those who aren't.
Don't speak in meetings at work until at least 3 women have spoken, Ask why there are no people of color in your working group,
THIS IS NOT EQUALITY! A world where someone's demographic membership gives them more or less freedom to speak or belong or be chosen is neither equal nor fair.
posted by gjc at 7:22 AM on July 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't speak in meetings at work until at least 3 women have spoken, Ask why there are no people of color in your working group,
THIS IS NOT EQUALITY! A world where someone's demographic membership gives them more or less freedom to speak or belong or be chosen is neither equal nor fair.
posted by gjc at 7:22 AM on July 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
What I'm getting from your question is that you're happy with your life the way it is, but that you question your choices when you interact with your friends.
That's the same question that's been asked here a thousand times, in different flavors. A vegetarian hanging out with meat-eaters, a gay person hanging out with gay-bashers, a budding Republican hanging out with anarchists.
From my point of view, the answer is always the same: if you are happy with your life and yourself, then get better friends. Someone who doesn't accept who you are and understand where you're coming from is not actually your friend.
You have very commendable beliefs, and you're willing to walk the walk in addition to talking the talk. Don't give up on that just because you invited someone over and they whined about you not having paper towels.
posted by ErikaB at 10:39 AM on July 13, 2010
That's the same question that's been asked here a thousand times, in different flavors. A vegetarian hanging out with meat-eaters, a gay person hanging out with gay-bashers, a budding Republican hanging out with anarchists.
From my point of view, the answer is always the same: if you are happy with your life and yourself, then get better friends. Someone who doesn't accept who you are and understand where you're coming from is not actually your friend.
You have very commendable beliefs, and you're willing to walk the walk in addition to talking the talk. Don't give up on that just because you invited someone over and they whined about you not having paper towels.
posted by ErikaB at 10:39 AM on July 13, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for everybody's comments upthread so far. I don't feel like the problem is with my friends, but with me: this isn't so much about what I have as what I anticipate having, and I feel like the anxiety is putting a pretty big burden on me regardless of what they think. Rationally, I think I'm doing pretty well keeping my impact low, and I continue to be interested in tweaking around the edges throughout my life. What I'm left with, basically, is this: when it comes down to making a rational decision, like buying a house, how do I prevent myself from obsessing over finding the cheapest one I can to the detriment of all other factors?
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 11:32 AM on July 13, 2010
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 11:32 AM on July 13, 2010
Are you looking to buy a house right now?
If not, let it go. You don't know what the future holds or where life will take you. Five years ago I thought I was in the field I wanted to pursue for the rest of my life. Up until very recently I thought I was a year or so away from becoming established in said field, which would mean making two or three times what I'd been making since college. I would then be in a position to think about buying a house, expensive leisure pursuits, and the like.
Then I became dissatisfied with what I was doing and decided it wasn't my "forever" career; I didn't want the promotion that would result in the 300% raise. Suddenly I wasn't looking at "how can I continue to live low on the pyramid when I can afford not to?" I was looking at "how can I get a low level food service job?"
I'm not saying this will happen to you, just, well, cross the What To Do With The Money I Don't Even Have Yet bridge when you come to it. Remember these ethical concerns, and then put them away until it's time to make a real decision.
posted by Sara C. at 11:45 AM on July 13, 2010
If not, let it go. You don't know what the future holds or where life will take you. Five years ago I thought I was in the field I wanted to pursue for the rest of my life. Up until very recently I thought I was a year or so away from becoming established in said field, which would mean making two or three times what I'd been making since college. I would then be in a position to think about buying a house, expensive leisure pursuits, and the like.
Then I became dissatisfied with what I was doing and decided it wasn't my "forever" career; I didn't want the promotion that would result in the 300% raise. Suddenly I wasn't looking at "how can I continue to live low on the pyramid when I can afford not to?" I was looking at "how can I get a low level food service job?"
I'm not saying this will happen to you, just, well, cross the What To Do With The Money I Don't Even Have Yet bridge when you come to it. Remember these ethical concerns, and then put them away until it's time to make a real decision.
posted by Sara C. at 11:45 AM on July 13, 2010
Best answer: When it comes down to making a rational decision, like buying a house, how do I prevent myself from obsessing over finding the cheapest one I can to the detriment of all other factors?
Because cheap isn't good. Cheap comes at a high price; in the case of a house, it may mean more repair—more unnecessary stuff, more energy use—in the long-run. On the other hand, if you're talking about thrift, I don't see a problem with that. Lots of people buy things outside of their price range.
posted by blazingunicorn at 2:12 PM on July 13, 2010
Because cheap isn't good. Cheap comes at a high price; in the case of a house, it may mean more repair—more unnecessary stuff, more energy use—in the long-run. On the other hand, if you're talking about thrift, I don't see a problem with that. Lots of people buy things outside of their price range.
posted by blazingunicorn at 2:12 PM on July 13, 2010
I know this is a bit of a derail but this really bothers me.
go to the beauty salon and get a new set of acryllic nails done.
Which, according to the poster in the window of my neighborhood bog-standard nail salon, costs under $20.
The poor get to use their money exactly as they choose, just as you do. Just because you have priorities that are "better" doesn't give you a right to decide whose petty little personal expenditures are OK, and whose are not. If you decide to lend someone money, once you give it to them, it's theirs. Period.
The poor get to spend the money they earn anyway they want but asking for help generally comes with strings or expectations that you'll use the money for what it was given to you for. Ex. You can't spend food stamps on liquor or smokes (legally anyway).
When someone tells you they're desperate and asks to borrow money for a specific reason, they should use the money you loan them for that reason, not for non-essentials. It would be different if it was a gift but this wasn't. Ashley801 had good reason to be upset, especially since the person never paid her back.
For the original poster, don't let guilt consume you. You need to have balance to your life. Living as cheaply as you can is punishing yourself for being fortunate. It doesn't help someone else. If you want to help, find a charity you can really believe in and donate every pay period if you can. That way, you're working so you can help others.
I feel like you're being unrealistic and hard on yourself. Most poor people who become rich or do well don't live as cheaply as possible and give every cent to the less fortunate. Look at lotto winners who often blow through the money in a few years. They probably help family and friends but they also go crazy buying things they don't really need.
I've met people in life who came here from other countries that did very well and were never ashamed of having money. They're proud they've done well and want people to know it. They tended to be worse about buying status items than many people (but definitely not all) who were born here.
It's ok to enjoy life. I saw something on PBS about Haiti a few months ago. Even in the camps where they don't have enough food, people have their hair done. Someone had a movie projector for cartoons. If people didn't have money, he'd work out a swap.
Just do your best on creating a balance of making other people's life better while enjoying your own.
posted by stray thoughts at 9:53 PM on July 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
go to the beauty salon and get a new set of acryllic nails done.
Which, according to the poster in the window of my neighborhood bog-standard nail salon, costs under $20.
The poor get to use their money exactly as they choose, just as you do. Just because you have priorities that are "better" doesn't give you a right to decide whose petty little personal expenditures are OK, and whose are not. If you decide to lend someone money, once you give it to them, it's theirs. Period.
The poor get to spend the money they earn anyway they want but asking for help generally comes with strings or expectations that you'll use the money for what it was given to you for. Ex. You can't spend food stamps on liquor or smokes (legally anyway).
When someone tells you they're desperate and asks to borrow money for a specific reason, they should use the money you loan them for that reason, not for non-essentials. It would be different if it was a gift but this wasn't. Ashley801 had good reason to be upset, especially since the person never paid her back.
For the original poster, don't let guilt consume you. You need to have balance to your life. Living as cheaply as you can is punishing yourself for being fortunate. It doesn't help someone else. If you want to help, find a charity you can really believe in and donate every pay period if you can. That way, you're working so you can help others.
I feel like you're being unrealistic and hard on yourself. Most poor people who become rich or do well don't live as cheaply as possible and give every cent to the less fortunate. Look at lotto winners who often blow through the money in a few years. They probably help family and friends but they also go crazy buying things they don't really need.
I've met people in life who came here from other countries that did very well and were never ashamed of having money. They're proud they've done well and want people to know it. They tended to be worse about buying status items than many people (but definitely not all) who were born here.
It's ok to enjoy life. I saw something on PBS about Haiti a few months ago. Even in the camps where they don't have enough food, people have their hair done. Someone had a movie projector for cartoons. If people didn't have money, he'd work out a swap.
Just do your best on creating a balance of making other people's life better while enjoying your own.
posted by stray thoughts at 9:53 PM on July 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Wallowing in guilt over your own straight white male privilege is not going to help anyone. Appreciate that you are able to have the things and opportunities you have, and do whatever you can to make it so other people can have them too.
posted by you zombitch at 9:32 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by you zombitch at 9:32 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:49 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]