Friend or what?

June 15, 2010 8:26 AM

Is a fair-weather friend worth keeping?

I have had this friend for ten years, we are not super close but we meet about once a month and are in contact on Facebook emails etc. I do the friend things like watch her kids for her sometimes and I am always a willing listener to her troubles and triumphs. But I have always had depression and lately she has decided (since she has seen via my Facebook status that I am having a bad month) that she does not want to hear my "drama". Basically she will go on being my friend but I am not to talk about my problems to her because she is tired of it. I say that part of being friends is you are there for each other and you take the other person lumps and all. Also I am not using her to dump on, at all, she just wants me to fake being happy and never mention what might be hurting me, because it bores her. I think this is mean and not in the spirit of friendship; she says I am being drama queen and unreasonable. Should I just keep her as a friend, one I do favors for and can talk to provided I act happy and ask nothing in return, or is it better to just say goodbye and end the friendship? And how do you break up a friendship? Do you explain or just never return calls or what?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Some people are incredibly understanding and willing to offers support even if they are personally barely hanging on. Others aren't. I'd advise you either friend-dump this friend, because you need and deserve support from people, or you reciprocate the level of friendship that she's offering you - more of a cheery acquaintance than a confidant. It sounds like you aren't in the market for acquaintances, so you know what to do.
posted by tmcw at 8:31 AM on June 15, 2010

I'm sorry to hear that this person doesn't feel like supporting you. I've ended relationships because of stuff like this myself.

I don't use Facebook, but I hear that "unfriending" somebody is a pretty big deal. I'd go with that. If she wants to find out what went wrong, then tell her. If she just doesn't want to deal with your "drama", then you'll get blissful silence from her and you'll be done.
posted by MustardTent at 8:32 AM on June 15, 2010

"Cynthia, I want you to know that while I've enjoyed having you in my life and sharing yours for the past few years, right now I need to surround myself with friends who are willing to step up and be supportive. I wish you and your family the very best and hope we can be in touch again in the future."

Send an email, don't read the replies, de-friend on Facebook, and never call again.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:32 AM on June 15, 2010 [15 favorites]

So you listen to her troubles, watch her kids, do her favours... what do you get out of this friendship? Does she return the favours or watch your kids? She clearly doesn't want to listen to your troubles. I'd just de-friend her on Facebook and concentrate on people who actually care about your well-being. If you only meet once a month anyway it's unlikely you will bump into her any time soon so there's no reason to "break up". Just move on and don't initiate any interactions with her any more.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:34 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

"Drama" is such a highly coded word in the world of the Net. In my view, anyone who uses that word to refer to anything other than the the-a-tuh is probably the one charging the drama in the first place.

There are much better ways to explain to a friend or acquaintance that you don't want to read their seemingly dreary updates. This person has no tact. I'm sorry for your loss, but ultimately I think you'll find you're better off.
posted by Madamina at 8:39 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think this situation depends on your "drama". We need more information. If you are using Facebook to broadcast your bad moods I think that is a little dramatic and honestly, juvenile. Keep your heartaches and disappointments to yourself and your closest friends and family. Don't air them on Facebook. Facebook doesn't need to know if you are in a bad mood. If you are having "real" problems such as depression or other sucky situations (job loss, marital or family problems, illness, financial troubles, etc.) and she is not supportive, dump her.

You say she is tired of it. Have you been having a "bad month" or has this been going on longer? Has she tried to be supportive and helpful in the past, or has she refused to hear any of your problems? Are you repeating the same things over and over and wallowing? More information would be helpful.
posted by Fairchild at 8:51 AM on June 15, 2010 [25 favorites]

Hanging on to friendships like this one is never worth it. I wouldn't actively "dump" her but I'd take a big step back -- answer her emails and maybe get together if she asks you to do something innocuous, like see a movie, but don't initiate contact yourself and don't agree to do anything you wouldn't do for an acquaintance. If she's as self-absorbed as she sounds, there's a good chance you'll drift apart naturally and with little or no drama.

On a side note: part of what's bothering me about this is the attitude you describe her as having. It's one thing to be in a rough place yourself, and to tell your friends you can't handle a lot of negative energy and need to keep it at arms length for a while. It's another to essentially tell your friends they're dull and off-putting and should pretend to be okay to make you more comfortable.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:54 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Not every friend is the same kind of friend. If this person is someone you enjoy the company of otherwise, then fine, stick around...just know the limitations.

Honestly, I'd get sick of hearing about drama too if I saw that the person dumping on me didn't seem to want to take steps to eliminate the drama or had nothing but drama to talk about. I don't know you and I don't know if that's your reality.

Keep in mind, too, that if she has been depressed in the past or is in the present then it can be a weight for some people to listen to the problems of others.

But if the minuses outweigh the plusses, then of course move on.
posted by inturnaround at 9:09 AM on June 15, 2010

After a bad break up coupled with some depression, I had a friend finally tell me to stop unloading on him. That he was tired of hearing the negativity, the sadness, the repetition. It was an unpleasant email but it made me sit down and do some thinking and start to take some responsibility for my own life and my own happiness. It was a wake up call for me and it made me more aware of how I interacted with people. I think it made me a better friend to in the long run. Now, even when things are extremely bad in my life, if I call a friend to talk about it, I make sure to let him/her talk about what is going on his his/her life. It has also made me realize that while I do need to talk about the bad stuff, I also want distraction from my stuff: I want to hear about the awesome restaurant s/he went to last weekend and about his/her mother-in-law's latest shenanigans. I also realized that when you really are having a crappy time, dumping it all on one person isn't a good idea - like that load of manure, you need to spread it on the field to get it to be fertilizer rather than just a giant pile of poop.

I am not saying that you're in a similar situation. I don't know you. I don't know your friend. I don't know how you guys interact. I don't know what is making this a bad month. I do know that I want things to get better for you.

Therapists are great to talk to in this situation: they're paid to listen to you and help you figure out your problems.

I hope things get better for you and you find good people to talk to.
posted by sciencegeek at 9:13 AM on June 15, 2010 [6 favorites]

Her lack of interest in the state of your mood certainly sounds pissy, but I feel that we really don't have enough information to know how one-sided this friendship really is.

But look, people grow apart and dynamics change. I don't see how making a big deal about breaking up with her is going to accomplish anything useful in the long-term. I suppose you could make her feel like shit right back to hurt her, but really, are you going to invest that kind of emotional energy for someone that you describe as not really a very close friend?

Just step down your investment in this friendship a notch so that you two match in your effort and expectations. Don't go out of your way to do her favors, and don't expect her to listen to your troubles. Re-categorize her as an acquaintance and go about your life.
posted by desuetude at 9:15 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

part of being a friend is providing a support system. if you're providing support in terms of watching her children and she doesn't even want you to act like yourself around her (ie pretend to be happy if you aren't) then she is not providing any kind of support in return. in fact, she's being kind of a jerk. i have admittedly gone through high drama times and none of my friends have ever told me they did not want to hear my drama even when i was being a retard. why? because they are friends. that's what you do.

this woman is now just an acquaintance. don't watch the children or listen to the troubles of an acquaintance. just quietly move on to continue building friendships and relationships with people willing to give what they get. if she asks to meet up, you're busy. if she asks if you can watch her kids, you just can't that time. lather, rinse, repeat.
posted by raw sugar at 9:18 AM on June 15, 2010

Mary Poppins fixed everybody else's problems so she wouldn't have to deal with her own.
posted by Back to you, Jim. at 9:25 AM on June 15, 2010

I was thinking that in order to answer this question, I would need to know more about what sort of "drama" you're dishing out to your friend. Because there's "I'm sad today" and then there's "Hi, this is me calling you at 2a.m. for the 90th time..."

But now that I've thought about it some more, I don't think it matters. Your friend sucks. Here's why. Let's take the worst-case scenario of your behavior: you're a HUGE drama queen and a constant energy-drain for her. (I realize this may not be true, but I'm just posing a hypothetical.)

If this is true, it would get on my nerves after awhile, and I'd probably pull away from the friendship.

BUT if I then needed someone to listen to my drama or to watch my kids, I wouldn't go to you. Even if you offered to watch my kids, I would politely decline. I don't get to demand or accept favors from you if I'm not going to grant you the same attention. If I choose to pull away from a friend -- even if I do so because that friend is acting badly in some way -- I do not get to lean on that friend when I need help. That's not fair. Doing that would make me a user.

Your "friend" is a user. She sucks. Dump her.
posted by grumblebee at 9:26 AM on June 15, 2010 [5 favorites]

It sounds to me like she just doesn't understand depression - so she hears you with the same problems, with 'minor' problems, with 'unproductive' attitudes (like, "i suck and will never succeed at anything" to pick a common depression example) and just gets frustrated at you for not "doing something about it". When often a big part of being depressed is not having the internal resources TO 'do something about it'. So maybe she's doing that tough love thing - "My friend is always complaining and never does anything about her problems. Maybe I'm enabling her to wallow by being supportive, and need to force her to focus on the bright side."

There definitely are people who can be strongly affected by others' moods, and it's often hard on your own emotional strength to frequently connect emotionally with depressed people or chronic complainers (not the same thing, but hard to tell from outside), even for someone who's perfectly happy to help friends through a temporary bad spell. She may have decided that the feelings of helplessness and misery she gets from talking to you aren't worth it any more - and then, as people have said, she's telling you what kind of friendship she can handle and you have to decide if you want to give it to her.
posted by Lady Li at 9:27 AM on June 15, 2010

But I have always had depression and lately she has decided (since she has seen via my Facebook status that I am having a bad month

So you're posting all this stuff on Facebook and talking to her about it? Maybe there's good reason for her to be tired of this stuff. Posting about your depression on Facebook is dramatic, and would make a lot of people roll their eyes.

That isn't what Facebook is for. She probably isn't a good friend, but she might just be saying what a lot of other people are thinking. Real friends and family are a support network; Facebook friends are not. Don't broadcast, just talk to your close friends and relatives.
posted by spaltavian at 9:33 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think it is possible to have both supportive friends and just-for-fun friends. But neither type of friendship works if the roles aren't equal and mutual. If she doesn't want to provide you with emotional support, favors, etc., she shouldn't ask the same of you. If you don't want to end the friendship, you can just mentally downgrade her to hang-out friend. (I'd recommend doing this as quietly and politely as possible, because this already sounds like a fight between you two, and making bold announcements or writing drawn-out emails will prolong or escalate things.)

Madamina's assessment of "drama" is accurate. Interpersonal drama more often than not tends to be "he who smelt it dealt it." People who deal with conflict in productive and friendship-sustaining ways generally do not use that word.

Finally, I think Fairchild might be on to something - past a certain point, hearing someone vent gets difficult to bear. This applies to any audience, not just Facebook. It starts sounding like either unproductive, wheel-spinning bellyaching, or an unfocused grab for ego stroking, pity, or other attention. I've struggled with serious depression, myself, so I understand the need - but a big part of managing depression is figuring out how, when, and to whom you can let it all out. (This is not the same as bottling things up; rather, it's focusing the things you need to get off your chest into more helpful channels - like a therapist, a private journal, or friends who are willing and able to hear you out.) It helps a lot, both with what's going on in your head and with keeping friendships healthy.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:33 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

This person allows you to do favors, but does no corresponding nice stuff for you as far as I can tell. As part of being less depressed and learning to value yourself, I'd really reduce the time you spend around this person. It's easy; she doesn't want to spend time with you when you're depressed.

Go look in the mirror, and say, out loud, "I deserve love and affection." Spend as little time as possible with people who convince you that you don't deserve love and affection.
posted by theora55 at 9:38 AM on June 15, 2010

It sounds like you're going to the hardware store for milk. This friend doesn't carry milk, even if she used to. I assume she carries other useful things. If not, dump her. But if she IS a good friend for other things, keep her on the back burner, and just know that venting is not something she will be useful for.

I also am not sure what "drama" means. Having been on both sides of a similar equation, I have a lot of sympathy for both of you. But when you're going through your own shit, (and she IS going through her own shit) hearing someone else go on about theirs ad infinitum does get old, especially they aren't also telling you what measures they're taking to make their life better.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:34 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

One of my online friends is facing major depression and, having gone through periods of depression myself, this person has all my sympathy. Depression is just horrible. But, despite me being sympathetic and a generally caring person, their posts sometimes feel like an unending stream of bringdown and misery. Multiple posts a day–and I already, rightly or wrongly, find the people that post so frequently are usually the least interesting. It's unfair and uncharitable of me. I just checked their Wall it's not actually nearly that bad and the depression-related posts are not the majority. But the build up over time has been wearing and wearying to read. I don't want to defriend them nor confront them, particularly since we're more casual acquaintances than you and your friend. I'd hate for them to stifle what may be a necessary outlet of sorts, and I remain sympathetic. But I can understand how someone might reach the point where they say "Enough, I don't want to hear about it anymore!"

Of course I don't have enough information to say this situation parallels that of you and your friend. She may simply be a jerk. I just wanted to provide a different perspective in case there are similarities.
posted by 6550 at 11:00 AM on June 15, 2010

End it. I don't even know why you would contemplate wasting time on a friendship that no longer works. Friendships shouldn't have to be difficult. They should be easy. Life is really too short to waste on relations like that.
posted by fso at 12:46 PM on June 15, 2010

Except when you're depressed ALL friendships are hard. So don't burn your bridges until you're really sure it's her and not your depressed brain doing the decision making.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:08 PM on June 15, 2010

Can Facebook ever be drama-free? Just wondering.

You, my friend, don't need her drama when you are already sad.

To answer your question, dump your "friend". You can go by how you would want to be treated or by how she will get the point and leave you in peace without making fuss and bad-mouthing you to common friends etc etc etc.

Alternatively, classify all of your "friends" into boxes (you get to choose what the boxes are and who goes in which box) and then treat people in these boxes differently- not in a mean way but whatever makes you happy and sane. You have to be your best friend here and do the best for you.

I am sorry this person is being a jerk to you. That always sucks.
posted by xm at 4:11 PM on June 15, 2010

Except when you're depressed ALL friendships are hard. So don't burn your bridges until you're really sure it's her and not your depressed brain doing the decision making.

This is an excellent point that bears repeating.
posted by desuetude at 7:28 PM on June 15, 2010

my dad always said that the people in your life is like a garden...you need to constantly be weeding and clearing it out. i've filtered out many people in my life, especially recently, and while it sucks to have less people on my contact list, it is worth it. when sh*t hits the fan, you know who your friends truly are. for those mentioning that this could be something you're mentally doing, i say, if you had a true friend in this situation, they would be doing everything they could to ensure you that they are there for you. people infuriate me in the sense that they are only happy to have those around when things are great. but life is not always great and not that many people are willing to compromise or put forth a little effort. from my experience, with friendships and relationships, it is exhausting to constantly be working to meet people halfway when they do not even bother to show up.
posted by penguingrl at 12:04 AM on June 16, 2010