Knife and Spooner
May 8, 2010 1:51 PM Subscribe
Please help me sleep (just sleep) with my girlfriend better. She craves space, I cling on to her like a deflating life-raft in the ocean.
Been dating for well over a year, due to circumstances outside of our control we don't live together yet (but will be moving in together shortly), but do sleep together as often as we can.
I am a bad sleeper. I never really get in to REM, i toss and turn, i steal blankets, I wake up hourly for a couple of minutes then drift off again - though I have no sleep disorders (like apnea) that I'm aware of. If my partner is next to me I, unconsciously apparently, spoon her like it's our last night together.
She likes to fall asleep spooning, then prefers to drift apart during the night to her 'space', and as we start to wake up we drift back together.
I love her. Our relationship is fantastic, but I crave the intimacy that spooning all night gives, and i feel really, really guilty that i keep her up, depriving her of a good night's rest. I've started retreating to my side of the bed, but i have really strong urges just to reach out and, like, poke her. It's absurd, and I need to knock that shit off.
We've talked about our previous LTR's, and she says I am the only one that sleeps like this, and most people like their own 'zone', and i am the outlier. I can accept that. It's not a relationship killer, but are there any tips or tricks to help us sleep better together?
Been dating for well over a year, due to circumstances outside of our control we don't live together yet (but will be moving in together shortly), but do sleep together as often as we can.
I am a bad sleeper. I never really get in to REM, i toss and turn, i steal blankets, I wake up hourly for a couple of minutes then drift off again - though I have no sleep disorders (like apnea) that I'm aware of. If my partner is next to me I, unconsciously apparently, spoon her like it's our last night together.
She likes to fall asleep spooning, then prefers to drift apart during the night to her 'space', and as we start to wake up we drift back together.
I love her. Our relationship is fantastic, but I crave the intimacy that spooning all night gives, and i feel really, really guilty that i keep her up, depriving her of a good night's rest. I've started retreating to my side of the bed, but i have really strong urges just to reach out and, like, poke her. It's absurd, and I need to knock that shit off.
We've talked about our previous LTR's, and she says I am the only one that sleeps like this, and most people like their own 'zone', and i am the outlier. I can accept that. It's not a relationship killer, but are there any tips or tricks to help us sleep better together?
That would drive me nuts, too. I absolutely have to have my space, so much so that my husband and I have our own separate blankets (king-sized bed). I was going to suggest a body pillow, too, placed between you and your girlfriend.
And maybe look into seeing what's up with your sleeping. You're probably not getting rest, either, which is probably contributing to you not sleeping well, lather, rinse, repeat.
posted by cooker girl at 2:00 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
And maybe look into seeing what's up with your sleeping. You're probably not getting rest, either, which is probably contributing to you not sleeping well, lather, rinse, repeat.
posted by cooker girl at 2:00 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Consider positioning yourself away from her later, adding a body pillow if you must, and drape your foot (just one) near or over her ankle. More tactile contact without strangling her.
posted by Night_owl at 2:08 PM on May 8, 2010
posted by Night_owl at 2:08 PM on May 8, 2010
You should also get individual blankets. This will decrease the chances you'll steal hers while at the same time giving you extra bulk in the bed to which to cling.
posted by beerbajay at 2:11 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by beerbajay at 2:11 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am a cuddle monster and my ex is a drift apart to sleep kind of a guy. It really helped me to just put out a hand and rest it on his back or ass or wherever--it reassured me. Touching one leg of mine to one of his helped, too.
It was all about compromise.
posted by mollymayhem at 2:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [7 favorites]
It was all about compromise.
posted by mollymayhem at 2:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [7 favorites]
When you do move in together, aside from the body pillow and separate blankets--both good ideas--get as huge a mattress as you can accommodate in your sleeping room.
I have no sleep disorders (like apnea) that I'm aware of.
That you're aware of. See a doctor about this. If you're not averse to drugging yourself, have you tried Benadryl, or any anti-anxiety meds? Those two usually give me a close approximation of having slept like a rock and woken up refreshed.
posted by not_on_display at 2:25 PM on May 8, 2010
I have no sleep disorders (like apnea) that I'm aware of.
That you're aware of. See a doctor about this. If you're not averse to drugging yourself, have you tried Benadryl, or any anti-anxiety meds? Those two usually give me a close approximation of having slept like a rock and woken up refreshed.
posted by not_on_display at 2:25 PM on May 8, 2010
If you're willing to go the supplement route, a bit of Valerian and/or Melatonin (neither are habit-inducing, generally) before bed should knock you right out until morning.
posted by griphus at 2:38 PM on May 8, 2010
posted by griphus at 2:38 PM on May 8, 2010
OP, I've recently had a terrible time getting decent sleep - so much so that I finally went for a sleep study. It was enlightening. What you've described: tossing and turning, waking up for a few minutes every hour... that was me (still is, until the doctor and I figure out which treatment might work best). Please consider going for a sleep study - sleep problems only get worse as you age!
As for helping you let your girlfriend sleep unmolested: I nth the body pillow and separate blankets idea.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 2:43 PM on May 8, 2010
As for helping you let your girlfriend sleep unmolested: I nth the body pillow and separate blankets idea.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 2:43 PM on May 8, 2010
the very best idea the husband and i ever had was separate blankets. it really helps a lot of sleeping issues. that, a body pillow, and resting your hand on her butt or shoulder or hip should help a lot.
posted by nadawi at 3:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 3:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Separate blankets on a shared bed. It's the default in both European countries I've lived, and was certainly the case in all the hotels I've visited outside of the U.S. Once you switch to two covers, you'll never go back.
posted by halogen at 4:54 PM on May 8, 2010
posted by halogen at 4:54 PM on May 8, 2010
If space allows it, separate bedrooms! Or talk to your gf about having more awake snuggle time and then get a body pillow for the night time. You both deserve good sleep.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 5:10 PM on May 8, 2010
posted by Wuggie Norple at 5:10 PM on May 8, 2010
If part of the intimacy you feel when holding her has to do with body heat as well (mmm, body heat), maybe pair a body pillow with a heating pad on low. Cozy!
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:55 PM on May 8, 2010
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:55 PM on May 8, 2010
I'm really sorry, but I read your question and literally giggled out loud. I too cling to anything unlucky enough to come within range. I swear it's just some kind of instinctive thing. I can't help it. "Like a deflating life raft" is hilariously apt!
The last time I had a live-in boyfriend, we had to resort to building a dam of blankets between us. That way in my sleep I would glom onto the blanket dam, instead.
You may be an outlier, but I'm out there on the bell curve with you, I guess!
posted by ErikaB at 6:55 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
The last time I had a live-in boyfriend, we had to resort to building a dam of blankets between us. That way in my sleep I would glom onto the blanket dam, instead.
You may be an outlier, but I'm out there on the bell curve with you, I guess!
posted by ErikaB at 6:55 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
nthing letting your feet touch... it really does have a sweet intimacy to it without being overly invasive.
posted by Billegible at 7:25 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Billegible at 7:25 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
i have the exact same problem. I'm an aggressive cuddler in my sleep, I steal the blankets, I kick and toss and turn. I take melatonin sometimes, which helps me get a better sleep. Do you get regular exercise? That can also help you get more restful sleep.
Nthing getting a body pillow, you can try going to sleep with you holding on to the pillow and being the "little spoon" that way she can retreat if she needs to and you can keep your death grip on the pillow? You could try sleeping with just your backs touching, it still feels intimate but you both get a little more space.
However, if you both like falling asleep while cuddling, would your problem be fixed if you could address your sleep issues?
posted by inertia at 12:40 AM on May 9, 2010
Nthing getting a body pillow, you can try going to sleep with you holding on to the pillow and being the "little spoon" that way she can retreat if she needs to and you can keep your death grip on the pillow? You could try sleeping with just your backs touching, it still feels intimate but you both get a little more space.
However, if you both like falling asleep while cuddling, would your problem be fixed if you could address your sleep issues?
posted by inertia at 12:40 AM on May 9, 2010
Would tucking the blankets tightly on her side help, or would you still be able to yank them away in the middle of the night? My husband does this occasionally and I bought a continental quilt (that's what they're called here) which has long "tuckable" flaps on the sides and bottom end to tuck under the mattress. It helps me a lot and I'm less inclined to kick my husband. The snoring is a whole 'nother matter.
posted by tracicle at 1:33 AM on May 9, 2010
posted by tracicle at 1:33 AM on May 9, 2010
I would talk to your doctor about your sleep. If you're waking up hourly, you're not getting good quality sleep. I used to do that, and I'm now taking sleep meds, and the difference is amazing - I sleep less hours and I wake up feeling refreshed and awake, not tired and sort of okay.
If you're sleeping soundly, you'll fall asleep spooning as you do, then you won't notice that you're not cuddling with your girlfriend during the night (because you'll actually be asleep, not waking up every hour).
posted by insectosaurus at 6:10 AM on May 9, 2010
If you're sleeping soundly, you'll fall asleep spooning as you do, then you won't notice that you're not cuddling with your girlfriend during the night (because you'll actually be asleep, not waking up every hour).
posted by insectosaurus at 6:10 AM on May 9, 2010
Nthing a sleep study. While it's normal to take some time to get used to sleeping with a new person, if you NEVER get good sleep then you might want to get it checked out.
I personally am such an awful sleeper that I can't sleep without meds, whether or not I'm sharing a bed. It's no picnic for the person sharing a bed with me, either. It's that bad to where I usually prefer separate beds.
If separate beds are not an option, I recommend a king-sized bed with separate bedcovers, and a body-pillow fortress for one or both of you.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 6:45 AM on May 9, 2010
I personally am such an awful sleeper that I can't sleep without meds, whether or not I'm sharing a bed. It's no picnic for the person sharing a bed with me, either. It's that bad to where I usually prefer separate beds.
If separate beds are not an option, I recommend a king-sized bed with separate bedcovers, and a body-pillow fortress for one or both of you.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 6:45 AM on May 9, 2010
Nthing separate blankets, body pillow on your other side, and feet touching.
posted by desuetude at 11:54 AM on May 9, 2010
posted by desuetude at 11:54 AM on May 9, 2010
I also think you should consider separate beds. Remember the Dick Van Dyke Show? Worked for Rob and Laura!
posted by trip and a half at 12:50 PM on May 9, 2010
posted by trip and a half at 12:50 PM on May 9, 2010
I'm confused by the prevalence of answer suggesting separate beds; how would this satisfy the OPs wish for sleepytime intimacy?
posted by desuetude at 2:34 PM on May 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by desuetude at 2:34 PM on May 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 1:57 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]