Is there a relationship between the length of a marriage and the length of its preceding relationship?

May 7, 2010 8:14 AM

Where can I find statistics on how long a marriage lasts depending on how long the couple has known each other before tying the knot? Do rushed marriages last any less time than those of couples that have already lived together for a couple of years? Is the length of engagement a relevant factor as well?

I don't know if personal stories will count as far as an answer is concerned, but I'm happy to hear your tales of happiness - and woe! Oh, and it would be good to get some kind of historical perspective. In our grandparents' days (I'm assuming anyone old enough to remember this is not using the internet/Metafilter), quick marriages were normal and lasted longer. Has the trend reversed?

posted by omnigut to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Do you mean to conduct your study in the US only? Don't forget there are many cultures where divorce is very low and nearly 100% of the marriages are arranged by the parents.
posted by yoyoceramic at 8:47 AM on May 7, 2010

This may help a little.
Study: Living together before getting engaged or married doesn't equal divorce.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:47 AM on May 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

A quick glance at Google Scholar suggests that there is a lot of good research on this question. My 5-minute take-away is that people who cohabit first have a higher divorce rate, but researchers argue that this is because people who choose to cohabit are more likely to get divorced (i.e., that it's the desire to cohabit rather than the cohabitation which matters). Many more details can be found by searching for "cohabitation" and "divorce" on Google scholar.
posted by eisenkr at 8:49 AM on May 7, 2010

Toward one aspect of your question, it has long been thought that living together prior to marriage increased the likelihood of divorce (i.e. shortened marriages, because, it was hypothesized, "cohabitation is selective of men and women who are less committed to marriage and more approving of divorce. The results also are consistent with the conclusion that cohabiting experiences significantly increase young people's acceptance of divorce" (cite). More recent reports are reversing these claims, suggesting that the impact of cohabitation in shortening a marriage is slim or nonexistent (cite). Here is a Pscyhology Today article that has some remarks on a study of length of courtship and divorce statistics.

There is a LOT of info on this stuff out there - Google terms like divorce statistics, length of courtship and divorce, cohabitation and length of marriage, etc., and then ignore the fluff listicles and look for cited sources.
posted by bunnycup at 8:50 AM on May 7, 2010

Anecdotal:
I dated my husband for a year and then we moved in together. Dated/engaged another two years before we got married. Just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and are happier than ever.
posted by Kimberly at 9:10 AM on May 7, 2010

See, I would have thought that the only reason a cohabiting couple would get married is because there was a threat of breaking up they were trying to combat. And that form of combat rarely works.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:14 AM on May 7, 2010

I would have thought that the only reason a cohabiting couple would get married is because there was a threat of breaking up they were trying to combat.

Or because they want the legal rights and protections that go along with marriage? Recognition of their relationship in the eyes of family and loved ones? A traditional framework in which to raise children? Marriage isn't the only way to get these things, but it is certainly a way to get them.
posted by teragram at 9:20 AM on May 7, 2010 [8 favorites]

Anecdotal. My parents got married in 1968 after knowing each other just a few months. They celebrated their 40th anniversary last October.
posted by Miko at 10:11 AM on May 7, 2010

I seem to recall that couples who cohabitate before marriage are just as likely to get divorced X years after they moved in together as couples who marry are X years after they get married. So just think of it as moving in together being a more statistically-significant boundary than getting married, as far as divorce goes. It just so happens that those who don't cohabitate prior to marriage move in together at the same time they get married.

Also, divorce rate and time-to-divorce doesn't take into account things like religious opposition to divorce, lower standards for staying together, a woman's inability to support herself if she asked for a divorce, etc.

I would advise against making marriage decisions based on statistics.
posted by callmejay at 10:22 AM on May 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think there are so many other issues in marriage longevity than cohabitation.

In our grandparents day (in the US), gender roles were more pronounced, often with women staying at home, relying on the income of the man to support the family. Leave the man, lose the stability. Furthermore, I believe the acceptance of divorce has shifted greatly in the past decades in the US, and there is less of a stigma on being a divorcee.

I don't intend to attack you personally, but I think that looking at one datapoint in the realm of reasons people get and stay married for real significance is over-simplifying things in a dangerous way. Rely on some trend in this data alone, and you're ignoring the rest of the context of the relationship.

If you're trying to figure out if you should or shouldn't move in with someone, focus on personal criteria instead. By living together, you'll learn more of the other person's day-to-day habits and pet peeves. Sit down and talk about these things, to learn about how to find balance between preferences. You might then learn there are enough little things that don't mesh well that a long-term future is not realistic.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:36 AM on May 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Met a girl. Dated 10 months and proposed. Got married 10 months after that. Been married 309 months since then (25+ years). We're still goin' strong.
posted by Doohickie at 11:44 AM on May 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Mr. ThabombshelterSmith and I dated for a year and a half, got engaged, moved in with each for about another year and a half, now approaching our 2 year wedding anniversary. Not nearly as long as some others that are posting on this thread, but I definitely feel that learning all about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with requires a test run.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 12:14 PM on May 7, 2010

Anecdotal: Was with my (now) ex-husband for 2 yrs before we got engaged. Lived together during engagement, which was 2 years as well. Married in 1994. Separated in 2001. Divorced in 2003.

Was 24 when I met ex-husband.

Met my current SO in July, 2009. Made decision to cohabitate 3-4 months ago, after being together for only 6 months. Not getting married, just going to live together and blend families. Moving in next month.

Am currently 43.

Not sure if it really matters one way or the other. There are so many factors that can make or kill a marriage. When I got married, I believed it would be forever. Now that I am moving in with SO, I believe it will be forever.
posted by mnb64 at 1:08 PM on May 7, 2010

I would have thought that the only reason a cohabiting couple would get married is because there was a threat of breaking up they were trying to combat

Or the couple was perfectly happy dating and thought maybe one day they would get married, but for now just
1. wanted to take their relationship a step further or
2. wanted to iron out some of the living together omg will you please not leave your dishes in the sink without rinsing them out crap before the stress of marriage
3. Wanted to save money on rent
4. Any other set of reasons people move in together

and then,
1. maybe after school was finished, or
2. they grew up a little more, or
3. they loved living together so much that they couldn't imagine spending their life with anyone else

They got married!

I know plenty of couples who move in together before marriage and are very happy the entire time, whether they have an eye toward marriage or not. This doesn't seem atypical to me.
posted by alygator at 3:41 PM on May 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

I got married after living with my husband for 7 years because I wanted to have kids, and having children with a man I wasn't married to was not something I wanted to do. It had nothing to do with an impending breakup.
posted by KathrynT at 12:36 AM on May 8, 2010