How do I behave when he's asking for a little break to think things over?

April 14, 2010 12:43 PM

How do I behave when he's asking for a little break to think things over?

We've been together nearly two years, quite compatible with the occasional arguments over politics. That said, he's very busy with work and his house (renovations) and his dog (health issues), but we make time to talk often and see each other. We had a blow-up recently about my wanting him to spend more time with me and doing more things together as a couple. We've argued about this before, and he's assured me that things would improve. But my recent outburst is making him feel like he won't be able to make me happy. Now he's asking for a break so he can think things over and consider our longer term compatibility. I support this. He needs it and I need it. I'm wondering how much time does he need to think things through, and whether or not he's already made up his mind. Meanwhile, should I cease communicating with him? Wait for him to talk to me first? Tell him how I feel (I want us to stay together and work through this)?

posted by lunachick to Human Relations (15 answers total)

It has been my experience that when people ask for "a break to think things over" it means they're letting you down easy.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 12:52 PM on April 14, 2010 [14 favorites]

I would just give him what he's asking for, which is space to think about it on his own. I'd recommend against just waiting around for him to figure it out, though.

Break contact, give him a reasonable period of time to wrap his head/heart around things, and then if he hasn't let you know what the situation is, just let him know you're moving on.

(Note: this is super-easy to say when I have no emotional involvement in the situation.)
posted by joelhunt at 12:52 PM on April 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

You should both agree on whether seeing other people is ok or not ok in this interim period. Otherwise, you could have more emotional turmoil that necessary.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:56 PM on April 14, 2010 [7 favorites]

According to your past boyfriend-related question, you broke up a year ago, too. Given that along with the proposed "break," I'd wager that this relationship isn't going to work out as you'd like. My experience, like MC Lo-Carb's, is that a "break" is usually a way of letting you down easy.

To answer your questions, yes, in my experience, the break requester has made up his mind already. Yes, you should stop communicating with him and wait for him to talk to you. He's already aware you want to stay together and work through it because you've already told him you want to spend more time with him, so no need to re-tread that.

Please use the break as an opportunity to focus on friends, school, hobbies, etc. which can benefit you and make you a stronger individual. This will be difficult because you'll be worrying over your boyfriend, but it's likely this is a time for moving on, not a time for fixing.
posted by December at 1:10 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is a pivotal point. Absolutely give him time, but equally important - you take time. It cannot be just on his timetable. Ask yourself, how are things going to be different in the future? Do you want this kind of a relationship, where he's really not available when you need him. What do you want? You may very well decide that it's time for you to move on. Here's what you say to him: "Sure. Take your time. But you know, this is a two way street - this tells me that I too must take my time. Whatever you decide now, I have to make a decision too. It takes two."

This way, should you decide that it's really not what you want, and you need someone to actually, you know, fulfill your needs, you are free to walk away without a lot of recriminations. He put you on notice. You need to do the same. And now? Start thinking about what YOU need.
posted by VikingSword at 1:13 PM on April 14, 2010 [17 favorites]

I don't think a break *always* indicates that the requester is done and just being nice about it. It definitely can, but it might not. I know couples who have taken a break and it was just that -- a break, not an end.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that you agree that a break is in order, and you are going to give him some serious space, but before that, you just want clarification on what the break means for the moment. Definitely find out if this means seeing other people is part of this break, and whether he sees this as a possibly eternal break. I don't know if that comes off as pushy or not, but vague shit like "needing a break" would drive me up the wall with questions, and that's really not fair. If he wants to break up, he needs to break up with you, and if not, he needs to be willing to define what a "break" means a little more clearly.
posted by tastybrains at 1:17 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

What VikingSword send, favorited 1000x over. It's excellent advice.
posted by katemcd at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2010

Mmmm. Sounds like it's over to me. Consider it over and move on. If he comes back, you can deal with that later.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 2:47 PM on April 14, 2010

Letting things go indefinitely until he feels like calling you is BS. If he wants a break, you ask him how much time he wants, set when you'll talk next. A week? 2? A month? Longer? (if it's much longer, just dtmfa, he's done) Define the terms... is this a complete incommunicado break or you check in once a (week)? You can tell him you hope he'll come back to you, but don't go overboard in this - seeming desperate to fix things is not going to help you here.

And otherwise I'd prepare to move on, I'm sorry to say that. It's more along the lines of not letting him drag you down, get a sense of independence from him and enjoy some of the perks of (pseudo) singledom. He doesn't think he can make you happy? Go on and demonstrate you're perfectly capable of being happy without him, and he has the choice to be a part of that or not. Put him as far out of your mind during that break as you can, it will help you whichever way this plays out.
posted by lizbunny at 3:50 PM on April 14, 2010

It's already over. If things start again, it's with a slate that is other than blank. One of the things that slate says is 'he ends things without saying so.' The slate may say hundreds of other more lovely things, too. Staring each day anew has it's pluses. But it's already over.
posted by eccnineten at 3:50 PM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Yeah... in my experience (which is actually kind of similar to yours in terms of length of relationship as well as the reasoning for the break, except I was in your boyfriend's shoes), the person says, "I think we should take a break," when they're too afraid to actually say they want to break up and maybe are still going back and forth in their head about it. If you'd pressed him for more specific info at the time, you probably could've pushed him to actually break up with you.

This will probably sound harsh, but I'm gathering this based on what you said: what's probably going on in his head is that he's realized that his work, house renovations, and dog are higher up on his priority list than you are. He probably knows that's not fair to you, but he's not willing to change that because he's not interested enough in continuing the relationship. Hence, you push him for more couple time, and he says the relationship needs a break.

In your situation, I'd treat this as a breakup and not expect him to come back to you. However, that doesn't mean go jumping into another relationship - December and VikingSword had very good advice about how to deal with this.
posted by wondermouse at 3:54 PM on April 14, 2010

Additionally - there are times when a break in communication doesn't automatically mean break-up, but those are generally given with more concrete details and reasoning. Again, only going by my experience. The indefiniteness of your break doesn't bode well.
posted by wondermouse at 3:57 PM on April 14, 2010

Nthing VikingSword. It lets you keep your dignity and get your head out of the emotional fog you've been in. If a guy's house and dog have more priority than you.... uh... not good. Move on and find someone who is on your same wavelength. Best wishes.
posted by srbrunson at 5:51 PM on April 14, 2010

Response by poster: Thanks, everyone, for your wise words. Most of your comments reflect my gut feeling that it's over. My BF is very decent and a realist, so he wouldn't shy away from breaking up if that's what he was feeling at the moment. He knows without my telling him that I'm thinking hard about us, too. And for what it's worth, I won't let my pride hold me back from telling him that I care about him and would like to work things out. He would take it in a good way, and not exploit it or diss it. I know he won't keep me hanging for long, so you'll probably hear from me again, asking for advice on how to move on.
posted by lunachick at 6:01 PM on April 14, 2010

Just as a different datapoint, I do know a few couples who have gone on breaks. A few then broke up. Two got back & are still together. One is now happily married.

The difference? What many of the other commenters said above: Define the parameters of this breakup together. How long is it going to be? (And if you both need time, you should take both your needs into account, not just his.) Are you going to see other people during it? Are you going to have any contact with each other?

IM(limited)E, breaks were most helpful for those who:
- set short(er) time periods (like 1 month)
- agreed not to see other people
- limited contact with each other during to pre-set periods (1x weekly on the phone, 1x via email, or (usually best) not at all)
- had a predefined time to come back together and discuss what they felt/decided (not necessarily "meet me on the brooklyn bridge at 1:00pm!!!", just "OK, let's take a month off and then we'll talk about it.")

YMMV, of course, but this structure seems to give each person in the relationship time to think about what's best, but not so much time that they don't feel any urgency to figure out their stance. Not seeing other people keeps you focused on figuring out YOUR relationship and not distracted, and the limited timeframe makes this a palatable option (ie you don't feel like it's a sacrifice of time if you don't end up together). And if one person is not OK with committing to this for such a short timeframe, that's usually a sign in and of itself. Limiting contact generally made it easier to think clearly, without the other person's wants/needs interfering. And finally, have an end-date takes away a lot of the crippling uncertainty.

Open-ended breaks, imo, seem to be shorthand for "it's over."

Hope things work out for you in whatever way is best, whether that's staying together or moving on.
posted by alleycat01 at 9:26 AM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]