Boyfriend violated probation.
March 17, 2010 8:34 PM   Subscribe

Boyfriend violated probation and no unlawful contact order, what's next?

Boyfriend and I have court tomorrow, he broke a no unlawful contact order and probation, what will happen next? will there be a no contact order this time? Will there be any other options after this, what can I say to the prosecutor in order for them to consider other options? I'm very nervous about this please only serious answers. He's looking at 6 months but I do not think they'll give him 6 months due to over crowding and such. I'm really concerned that he'll have no where to go if they put out a no contact order. He has no family no friends, no anything, I'm literally all he has, will they look at that or care at all? I only want to know do you think it's possible they'll consider a no unlawful contact order again with mandated counseling or anything but a no contact order? I don't know much of anything about the court system so I'm not sure what other options are available. We have no children involved in this, btw. Also he's already in jail, so don't say he'll be sent to jail. he's been there for the past 10 days.
posted by lwclec072 to Human Relations (26 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
First of all, why is this guy not your Ex, because this sounds like a horrible situation. I mean I believe in having compassion for those who hurt you, but this is a bit much. He will be taken away for good I am afraid, but its for your own good and well being. He had you, but he just didn't care as much for you. Move on
posted by wheelieman at 8:44 PM on March 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't understand the question. Is the no contact order against you or a third party? If it's against you I don't know why you posted this question and think you need some professional help.

If the no contact order is against a third party, you need to speak with a lawyer familiar with the laws of your jurisdiction to answer your questions. Or just wait until the court answers them for you.
posted by dfriedman at 8:51 PM on March 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wait, you were the subject of the order? I don't think anyone here is going to want to help your boyfriend if that's the case, and I really hope you get some help for yourself. You deserve better.
posted by amro at 8:51 PM on March 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

You're unlikely to get any good concrete advice on this for a variety of reasons:

1.) You don't say what state/county you are in... this could make a difference

2.) You don't say exactly what the current charges are (what caused them to issue the first no-contact order)

3.) You don't say what criminal history your boyfriend has

This information may not be something you want to share on a public website,.. so I'd understand if you don't want to include it. I am not a lawyer,..I'm only saying you're unlikely to get any real usable advice based on the limited info you've given.

The court gave your boyfriend a set of rules to follow,..and he broke those rules. I'd imagine its going to be difficult to convince them to give him another chance. Again,.. I'm no lawyer,.. but I'd expect them to tack on more jail time.
posted by jmnugent at 8:53 PM on March 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

dfriedman, she says she's really concerned he'll have nowhere to go if they issue a no contact order, and that she is all he has. I think the order was about her.
posted by amro at 8:53 PM on March 17, 2010

Yes, it is against me, he was supposed to have no unlawful contact with me. There is much more beyond what I'm mentioning so that's why I haven't left him and I am trying to be supportive.

I only want to know what might happen tomorrow, not looking for personal advice.
posted by lwclec072 at 8:55 PM on March 17, 2010

In what legal jurisdiction do you and your boyfriend reside?

The person who can best answer this question is an attorney who knows the prosecutors and judges in your jurisdiction. The best we can do here is guess.

You seem to be making a distinction between a "no unlawful contact order" and a "no contact order". Is that a distinction that you're intending?
posted by mr_roboto at 8:55 PM on March 17, 2010

what state are you in? that can make a difference. and unfortunately, each courtroom can be different based on the judge/bias/etc. do you have support through this? if not, try contacting the national domestic violence hotline (800-799-SAFE) (24 hours) for referrals in your area, including, if you want, legal referrals. is your protection order in place because of the pending criminal trial? you may also be able to obtain a civil protection order. these are questions to be answered with the support of an attorney and/or advocate.

also, despite what anyone else has said here, you know what is best for your own safety and what choices are right for you. but you don't have to go through this alone and hopefully you can get some support regarding your case, health and safety, if you want it, by reaching out to trained advocates and support folks.
posted by anya32 at 8:57 PM on March 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

What should happen tomorrow is that you show up, end this nightmare, and let the courts do their job. GET THERAPY
posted by wheelieman at 8:57 PM on March 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

We're in Kentucky in the US and also other than these the past jail time in October for the same thing and this situation he has had no criminal record.
posted by lwclec072 at 8:58 PM on March 17, 2010

This is the homeless guy who doesn't enjoy sex with you and tells you that he looks at other women because he is not satisfied with your appearance, etc.? You're 25! You can still have a normal life with a normal partner -- seconding wheelieman's suggestion that you should let go and get yourself into therapy.
posted by halogen at 9:04 PM on March 17, 2010 [6 favorites]

this is the kentucky domestic violence coalition website. they will have local information but the national hotline i mentioned above also can and that is always accessible for you 24 hours if and when you are ready for it.

here is a link to the american bar association commission on domestic violence's kentucky bar referral links - the commission does not help survivors of violence, but has resources on its website for getting help - this page can hopefully help you find civil legal attorneys in kentucky who can help, if you cannot find someone (and if you want to find someone) through a domestic violence agency.

this is a link to the legal service offices in kentucky. from what you're saying there are no family law issues outside of the violence, but they may be able to provide you with assistance as well. again, i would likely start with the domestic violence focused coalitions and services for more educated referrals than i am providing.
posted by anya32 at 9:05 PM on March 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

You know what, if you don't let this fellow learn that actions have consequences, YOU might be the one finding out that actions have consequences for YOU. If he hit you, abused you, or otherwise put himself in the position of being told by the law to leave you alone, there is a freaking good reason for this.

Please, please, call a battered women's hotline and talk to them. You need someone to help you clear your head and understand that no matter how much this guy is a nice guy part of the time, it's the other times that could get you killed or severely injured.

He is responsible for himself. Please be responsible for you!!!!!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:15 PM on March 17, 2010 [10 favorites]

Hopefully, if he has broken a contact order involving you twice now, he'll be jailed for enough time for you to get the help you need to leave this relationship.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 9:17 PM on March 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm so sorry this is happening.

But you need to know - everyone thinks that they have a special circumstance, a reason that they MUST stay with their abuser. You are not unique in this, you are absolutely the norm. I know it is aggravating that you asked a procedural issue and are getting undesired relationship advice, but please, after you cool down read everything over again and think things through.

Please take care of yourself. In reading past questions I see a lot of self-doubt and fearfulness. Know that you deserve to be treated like someone special, and that there are many people out there that will be able to see how special you are. If you have the courage to make new choices in your life, even though you might leave behind a three year relationship, know that it will get better. You will find someone who will love you and treat you as you deserve.
posted by arnicae at 9:46 PM on March 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

It's hard to see when you are in the situation and the guy makes you feel like YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE HIM but you have to look at the situation from the outside. Here is a guy with no friends to help him, no family to help him, is IN JAIL, and has a no contact order (generally for good reason like he is a physical threat to you). 99.9% of the time, it is the person who creates the bad situation he finds himself in--he had disappointed friends and family so much they don't want anything to do with him, he is in jail because of his own actions, he deserves the no contact order because there is a very real threat that he could hurt or kill you. Until he gets some serious help, you won't be able to help him. He will keep creating these problems for himself (and by extension, you) and I can nearly guarantee that if you keep bailing him out, he will not change and only get worse. It is no lie that he will eventually hurt or kill you. He will feel bad about it afterwards and try to apologize but he can't stop himself without help (professional help that is). Hopefully the answer to your questions is that he will get an extended jail sentence.
posted by MsKim at 10:10 PM on March 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm not a lawyer, or even a Kentuckian. My common sense, though, tells me that he will stay in jail, because what's the point in giving him an order if he will not follow it?

Do you really love him? Do you feel that the circumstances are partially either your fault or your responsibility? If yes, you should leave him for his sake (your's too, but that's another matter). Whatever is going on, I'm pretty sure it's not sustainable to have a relationship in which you can never see each other. When you two are together, he breaks the law and goes to jail. It is best for him to have this relationship end.

If you end the relationship now (do it now, because it's never a perfect time to do something difficult), he'll go to court, probably return to jail. Maybe while there, he'll think over his life and his choices, and make the decision to get some help and find resources to help him help himself. You'll move forward with your life, a life without all this worry and drama, a life filled with friends and laughter and love. Your paths may not cross again, but you will know that it was the best for both of you.
posted by Houstonian at 2:56 AM on March 18, 2010

You asked for serious answers: get out of this relationship. Your boyfriend doesn't respect you and doesn't respect the law. This is a recipe for tragedy.
posted by DWRoelands at 4:13 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

Late last year, you came to AskMe seeking plausible medical explanations for having bruises all over your body. I suppose this question explains that one. For your own safety, this relationship needs to end. The court is probably going to try to make that happen. You are not the first battered woman to fiercely defend her abuser. The judge has probably heard three cases like yours this week. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will convince the court that it is okay for your boyfriend beat you. It's never okay, and if you think it is, then your judgement has been clouded.

Trust me, you are not "literally all he has". Eventually, when he's released from jail, he will have access to the same post-incarceration resources as any other prisoner. He might be able to get welfare payments, or food stamps, or counselling, or job-readiness training, or a referral to a halfway house. If the state can't help him, there are charities and church groups that will. Whatever misfortune his life has visited upon him, there are people in your city who are are qualified, even paid to help him deal with it. This man committed violence against you. He is no longer your responsibility.

Laura, please take advice we're offering. You know Metafilter. You know that this community will start an argument over almost anything. Note that there is absolutely no argument in this thread. For once, everyone agrees; domestic violence is unacceptable, this man is bad news and you need to not see him again.
posted by embrangled at 5:07 AM on March 18, 2010 [22 favorites]

Here's what will likely happen: he will get jail time for breaking the order/probation (probably get credit for the 10 days served, but will likely have to serve additional time). A no-contact order is likely. Then when he gets out of jail, if you do not seek help and break out of this mindset, he will come back to you and you will be assaulted again. Maybe not that day, but it will happen.

As the many posters before have stated in alarm: your case is not unique, there are no mitigating circumstances that make this okay, and you are not his only hope and sole savior. The reason we are ignoring your request for no personal advice is because your judgement is dangerously clouded right now. If he's not with you, he will find someone else he can brainwash and abuse. But you can only focus on YOU. For the love of god, please use this opportunity to make a change and break it off with him!
posted by Eicats at 7:40 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]

He has no family no friends, no anything, I'm literally all he has, will they look at that or care at all?

I really can't imagine a court allowing an abuser to go back to his victim because he has nowhere else to go. The well-being of the abuser really isn't a consideration when ordering someone to stay away from the person they've abused.

As for your questions about counseling and what the court might do, you really need to call one of the DV/legal resources others have posted. Or ask his court-appointed attorney.
posted by Mavri at 8:59 AM on March 18, 2010

Three words. Get out now.
posted by Lynsey at 10:32 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

Depending on what resources your county/ state has available, he may go back to jail, to a halfway house, or to some other temporary housing program. If there's a drinking/ drug problem, then he may go to residential treatment.

Based on all your previous posts and the court order, YOU need to stay away from this guy. Stop making yourself responsible for his dysfunction--this guy was messed up before he came into your life and will continue to be messed up after. The only question is how much he'll fuck you up before he's gone. No matter how good, understanding, and kind you are, you can't make him less of a parasite.

A prosecutor who isn't fresh out of law school has heard stories like this many, many times. What's your boyfriend's criminal background, offense history? The outcome will depend very much on those factors, and not so much on what you say or do.
posted by _cave at 3:06 PM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

Get out as fast as you can before he kills you.
posted by srbrunson at 4:58 PM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

I bet you've stopped reading this thread already, either because today was court day and it was difficult, or because we are not saying what you want to hear. So I leave this message for you, just on the chance that you will read it:

Please consider asking another question next week. Ask it just for information, just in case -- something to, at a minimum, set aside for a day when you might need it. Ask something like this:
I'm considering leaving my boyfriend, but (I'm afraid; I can't afford it; my community disapproves; I think he's the only one who has and ever will love me; he promises he will change; I love him and that means you take the good with the bad; I depend on him and no longer really know how to forge my way in a tough world; it's kinda my fault, not his; other reasons). I may not make the decision to leave today, but if I ever do, I would like to know of resources available to me to overcome those problems. In Kentucky, on the phone, in the library, or online, please point me to solutions.
The question costs you nothing -- not money, not even a promise to do anything with the information people provide. It's just in case you have a dark day and think you're backed into a corner with no way out (because you're not!).
posted by Houstonian at 5:57 PM on March 18, 2010 [8 favorites]

Get out as fast as you can before he kills you.

Yes, please, Anonymous. Don't let this be you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:06 AM on March 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

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