Amateur Love
January 21, 2010 2:22 PM Subscribe
At 22 years old, I just ended my first real romantic relationship with a girl I've been with for about 3 months. I feel guilty and unsure if I made the right decision.
I'll start with a little background about myself. As a kid, I was socially pretty shy - I had friends, but in general, I found it difficult and anxiety-inducing to be socially adventurous. With time and a lot of effort (and help from others), I've pushed past virtually all of the shyness that used to socially inhibit me. I can't say I'm a social butterfly, but I now feel comfortable and confident in practically all social settings. This has not been easy for me to develop, so I feel pride in this accomplishment.
I mention this past history because it has relevance to my dating history. Up until the past year or so (my junior and senior years of college), I didn't date much, though not for lack of wanting. Mostly it was lack of self-esteem and lack of trying. I'm happy to say that the positive changes I made in my life over the past couple of years, especially allowing myself to be uncomfortable in social settings, improving my personal habits, working on my personal character, and accomplishing important medium and long-term goals, has paid off in where I am today. Not only do I feel better about myself as a person, but I feel well-prepared for my future post-graduation. Establishing control over my own life, as is feasible, has helped me dramatically. As has surrounding myself with friends who I trust.
So, I met a girl three months ago, aged 21. We hit it off immediately at a party. In fact, we ended up going all the way the first night -- essentially with her in the lead. In fact, I was surprised how interested this girl was in me -- I had never experienced this before. I, like a stereotypical guy, was the one that tended to pursue my previous romantic interests -- this time, it was different, and it made me feel good.
So I went with it. Our relationship grew closer. I felt love and trust for her. Our experiences and personalities had a lot in common, even if our interests didn't dovetail all that closely. She was so loving, sweet, understanding, fun. It felt so good to be so close to somebody on such a level. And, to top it off, she was sexy and really cute.
On the other hand, I felt a maturity gap between us. Many of her personal habits (study habits, organizational habits, etc.) frustrated me. She didn't seem to be planning her future well at all. In a lot of ways, she reminded me of someone younger than herself. So, I set out to help her with things. I worked with her to overhaul her resume, to improve her financial habits, to help her with reducing procrastination, and planning for what type of job/career she would be looking to pursue. All in all, I tended to enjoy helping her figure these things out, but there was also a level of frustration that bothered me. At a time in my life where I feel that so much of my future depends on the work I do for myself now, it started feeling like a burden. I started feeling more and more anxiety the more and more time I spent with her, even when we were just relaxing. The more she brought up longer-term commitment (i.e. Spring break plans, post-graduation relations, etc.), the more and more I felt the timing of this relationship was wrong. And, I started to question our long-term compatibility.
These kinds of feelings had been brewing over the course of the past month or so. But I saw little reason to end the relationship - she was great, even if it didn't always feel that way. I just assumed it was my fault - that I wasn't allowing myself to let the love in, full-throttle.
Then, I noticed another girl interested in me. We flirted. She seemed enchanted. At first glance, she seemed more compatible. And that was the spark, I think, that made me decide to end this relationship at this particular point. I don't expect any real relationship with this 'new' girl to occur, to be honest. But if it does, in time, so be it.
I thought long and hard about my next step. I consulted with my closest friends. They helped form the decision I came to.
As for the breakup, I was sensitive. I told her it was the timing, which was true. I didn't mention any faults or negative attributes I found in her. Of course, I didn't mention any other girl. I was careful. We ended as amicably as I could have hoped. And I won't contact her for a good while now so that both of us can heal, even though I still care about her deeply.
But, a day later, I still feel guilt for her hurt, and I feel some level of regret for what I've lost. I feel that the type of love that she gave me doesn't come easy. But how can I learn more about myself and the world if I don't experience it for myself? That question, too, played a role in my decision.
I know time will heal, but I'd like to know what others' thoughts are. I still feel like I've made the right choice in the end, but I didn't expect ending it to be so hard.
Anyone have any advice they'd offer to share?
I'll start with a little background about myself. As a kid, I was socially pretty shy - I had friends, but in general, I found it difficult and anxiety-inducing to be socially adventurous. With time and a lot of effort (and help from others), I've pushed past virtually all of the shyness that used to socially inhibit me. I can't say I'm a social butterfly, but I now feel comfortable and confident in practically all social settings. This has not been easy for me to develop, so I feel pride in this accomplishment.
I mention this past history because it has relevance to my dating history. Up until the past year or so (my junior and senior years of college), I didn't date much, though not for lack of wanting. Mostly it was lack of self-esteem and lack of trying. I'm happy to say that the positive changes I made in my life over the past couple of years, especially allowing myself to be uncomfortable in social settings, improving my personal habits, working on my personal character, and accomplishing important medium and long-term goals, has paid off in where I am today. Not only do I feel better about myself as a person, but I feel well-prepared for my future post-graduation. Establishing control over my own life, as is feasible, has helped me dramatically. As has surrounding myself with friends who I trust.
So, I met a girl three months ago, aged 21. We hit it off immediately at a party. In fact, we ended up going all the way the first night -- essentially with her in the lead. In fact, I was surprised how interested this girl was in me -- I had never experienced this before. I, like a stereotypical guy, was the one that tended to pursue my previous romantic interests -- this time, it was different, and it made me feel good.
So I went with it. Our relationship grew closer. I felt love and trust for her. Our experiences and personalities had a lot in common, even if our interests didn't dovetail all that closely. She was so loving, sweet, understanding, fun. It felt so good to be so close to somebody on such a level. And, to top it off, she was sexy and really cute.
On the other hand, I felt a maturity gap between us. Many of her personal habits (study habits, organizational habits, etc.) frustrated me. She didn't seem to be planning her future well at all. In a lot of ways, she reminded me of someone younger than herself. So, I set out to help her with things. I worked with her to overhaul her resume, to improve her financial habits, to help her with reducing procrastination, and planning for what type of job/career she would be looking to pursue. All in all, I tended to enjoy helping her figure these things out, but there was also a level of frustration that bothered me. At a time in my life where I feel that so much of my future depends on the work I do for myself now, it started feeling like a burden. I started feeling more and more anxiety the more and more time I spent with her, even when we were just relaxing. The more she brought up longer-term commitment (i.e. Spring break plans, post-graduation relations, etc.), the more and more I felt the timing of this relationship was wrong. And, I started to question our long-term compatibility.
These kinds of feelings had been brewing over the course of the past month or so. But I saw little reason to end the relationship - she was great, even if it didn't always feel that way. I just assumed it was my fault - that I wasn't allowing myself to let the love in, full-throttle.
Then, I noticed another girl interested in me. We flirted. She seemed enchanted. At first glance, she seemed more compatible. And that was the spark, I think, that made me decide to end this relationship at this particular point. I don't expect any real relationship with this 'new' girl to occur, to be honest. But if it does, in time, so be it.
I thought long and hard about my next step. I consulted with my closest friends. They helped form the decision I came to.
As for the breakup, I was sensitive. I told her it was the timing, which was true. I didn't mention any faults or negative attributes I found in her. Of course, I didn't mention any other girl. I was careful. We ended as amicably as I could have hoped. And I won't contact her for a good while now so that both of us can heal, even though I still care about her deeply.
But, a day later, I still feel guilt for her hurt, and I feel some level of regret for what I've lost. I feel that the type of love that she gave me doesn't come easy. But how can I learn more about myself and the world if I don't experience it for myself? That question, too, played a role in my decision.
I know time will heal, but I'd like to know what others' thoughts are. I still feel like I've made the right choice in the end, but I didn't expect ending it to be so hard.
Anyone have any advice they'd offer to share?
tl; dr. Don't over think this.
You're both still children (honestly--no offense). There will be plenty of other girls for you, and other guys for her. In a year, tops, it will be like nothing ever happened, I swear. Welcome to dating!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:32 PM on January 21, 2010
You're both still children (honestly--no offense). There will be plenty of other girls for you, and other guys for her. In a year, tops, it will be like nothing ever happened, I swear. Welcome to dating!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:32 PM on January 21, 2010
Sounds to me like all the bad things about her-- which didn't really effect you at all-- were things you came up with to stand in for the fact that the spark/chemistry from that first night didn't last. You made a good decision. (You may have made a bad decision by attempting to help her fix her habits after only 3 months.)
posted by NoraReed at 2:33 PM on January 21, 2010
posted by NoraReed at 2:33 PM on January 21, 2010
Being broken up with is hard, but breaking up with someone is hard too. It's ok to feel bad about it. It sounds like you did the right thing. Stay the course and you'll feel better in a little while.
posted by ludwig_van at 2:33 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ludwig_van at 2:33 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is normal.
You already know it'll pass, it's just a matter of waiting things out. If you allow yourself to think about it, it should make perfect sense that you feel bad about ending things, because this relationship wasn't of the screaming/crying/hatefest mold. It just wasn't someone you felt you could be with long-term. So you didn't stay in the relationship just to be in it, you didn't lead her on or hide your feelings. You did what you were supposed to do. Now, because the relationship hadn't festered until it was completely awful, you miss the good things about it. Being loved, having someone to talk to, that feeling of belonging, these are all things that you are supposed to miss. It sounds like you treated her fairly and acted with respect and dignity, so you get to hold your head up high, and to look around for a person who fits you better.
Again, feeling bad because you had to deliver bad news to someone, regretting the loss of something that in the day-to-day was pretty good, these are normal things to feel. But, you know in your head that this wasn't the person you're meant to be with. Keep that thought fresh and in a couple of weeks these feelings will be much less prominent. In the meantime, go hang out with those friends you consulted (who agreed with you on the decision, which is always a good sign), drink some beers, shoot the shit, and don't worry about this stuff too much.
posted by dnesan at 2:38 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
You already know it'll pass, it's just a matter of waiting things out. If you allow yourself to think about it, it should make perfect sense that you feel bad about ending things, because this relationship wasn't of the screaming/crying/hatefest mold. It just wasn't someone you felt you could be with long-term. So you didn't stay in the relationship just to be in it, you didn't lead her on or hide your feelings. You did what you were supposed to do. Now, because the relationship hadn't festered until it was completely awful, you miss the good things about it. Being loved, having someone to talk to, that feeling of belonging, these are all things that you are supposed to miss. It sounds like you treated her fairly and acted with respect and dignity, so you get to hold your head up high, and to look around for a person who fits you better.
Again, feeling bad because you had to deliver bad news to someone, regretting the loss of something that in the day-to-day was pretty good, these are normal things to feel. But, you know in your head that this wasn't the person you're meant to be with. Keep that thought fresh and in a couple of weeks these feelings will be much less prominent. In the meantime, go hang out with those friends you consulted (who agreed with you on the decision, which is always a good sign), drink some beers, shoot the shit, and don't worry about this stuff too much.
posted by dnesan at 2:38 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, I set out to help her with things. I worked with her to overhaul her resume, to improve her financial habits, to help her with reducing procrastination, and planning for what type of job/career she would be looking to pursue.
This is related to this:
But, a day later, I still feel guilt for her hurt,
You are not allowing her any room to breath, hurt, and heal on her own. She has her own network to take care of her, she survived before you and she will survive after you.
Other than that, give it time
posted by Think_Long at 2:50 PM on January 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is related to this:
But, a day later, I still feel guilt for her hurt,
You are not allowing her any room to breath, hurt, and heal on her own. She has her own network to take care of her, she survived before you and she will survive after you.
Other than that, give it time
posted by Think_Long at 2:50 PM on January 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
You're probably going to have to date women whom you can see as something other than long-term renovation projects in the future. It's much less stressful to date someone you're not constantly trying to reconfigure.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:53 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:53 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Perfectly normal.
Next time, however, don't take so much responsibility for someone else's life, finances, future planning, organization and study habits. Especially in a three month relationship, those things really aren't your problem nor your responsibility, and being the organized one "fixing" the space cadet is almost certainly what led to your resentment. The issue wasn't her, it was you--you didn't like certain things about her lifestyle and tried to change them, then felt "a level of frustration" that you had to teach her these things or do them for her.
Not to say I don't understand--I'm hyper-organized, prompt, in control of everything, blah, blah, blah. And I prefer being in a relationship with someone who's similar to me than with a space cadet. But one thing you'll learn after a few relationships is that you have to let other people deal with their own bad habits and the fallout that occurs from that. It's called not fixing people. You're clearly able to do a lot of work on yourself, but please notice that YOU had to do that. You had to make the decision to be a different way, and then take the steps to do it. You can't do that for someone else.
Again, not trying to be harsh--that's just a bit of advice for the next relationship. Because I didn't learn that bit the first (or the second) time around, and kept trying to fix people that did not need my fixing. If my significant other asks for my help with something, I will help. But I still remain very hands-off, because it's their life and they need to own it. And I don't want to resent them.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:00 PM on January 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
Next time, however, don't take so much responsibility for someone else's life, finances, future planning, organization and study habits. Especially in a three month relationship, those things really aren't your problem nor your responsibility, and being the organized one "fixing" the space cadet is almost certainly what led to your resentment. The issue wasn't her, it was you--you didn't like certain things about her lifestyle and tried to change them, then felt "a level of frustration" that you had to teach her these things or do them for her.
Not to say I don't understand--I'm hyper-organized, prompt, in control of everything, blah, blah, blah. And I prefer being in a relationship with someone who's similar to me than with a space cadet. But one thing you'll learn after a few relationships is that you have to let other people deal with their own bad habits and the fallout that occurs from that. It's called not fixing people. You're clearly able to do a lot of work on yourself, but please notice that YOU had to do that. You had to make the decision to be a different way, and then take the steps to do it. You can't do that for someone else.
Again, not trying to be harsh--that's just a bit of advice for the next relationship. Because I didn't learn that bit the first (or the second) time around, and kept trying to fix people that did not need my fixing. If my significant other asks for my help with something, I will help. But I still remain very hands-off, because it's their life and they need to own it. And I don't want to resent them.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:00 PM on January 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
Nthing that the attempts to fix her are your only real mistakes here, and they are common, understandable, forgivable mistakes. She'll be fine. So will you.
posted by jon1270 at 3:34 PM on January 21, 2010
posted by jon1270 at 3:34 PM on January 21, 2010
My own personal rule is that I do not "help" friends who have not actively requested it. Most people do not ultimately appreciate attempts at reform that are initiated by others. Next time you feel frustration over someone else's personal habits, if you are really believing some action is needed, take action in your own life. Action might mean making different choices in who to spend time with, or it might mean learning to be patient or even to love their differences, or it might mean channeling your passion for reform into improving *yourself.* As far as your feelings go, breakups are hard, period. No guilt is necessary; after all, for all you know, now that it's a day later she might be feeling relieved that it's over. Discover the magic of staying in your own business! I mean that in the kindest possible way. It works really well!
posted by Wordwoman at 4:29 PM on January 21, 2010
posted by Wordwoman at 4:29 PM on January 21, 2010
Unfortunately, you can meet great people who you get along with well, but who are not suitable long-term matches for you, for one reason or another (subjective to your own needs and desires; there's no right or wrong here).
It really is better, in such cases, to tear off that bandaid quickly, or else you can waste years of each others' time, only to end up in the same mutually painful situation of breaking up, anyway.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:42 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
It really is better, in such cases, to tear off that bandaid quickly, or else you can waste years of each others' time, only to end up in the same mutually painful situation of breaking up, anyway.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:42 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yes.
At 22 years old, I just ended my first real romantic relationship with a girl I've been with for about 3 months.
Welcome to grownuphood.
I feel guilty and unsure if I made the right decision.
And welcome to the club of the rest of us.
I didn't mention any faults or negative attributes I found in her.
Good.
But, a day later, I still feel guilt for her hurt
She'll be fine.
I feel some level of regret for what I've lost
We all do.
Cheers!
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:26 PM on January 21, 2010 [23 favorites]