A routine malaise?
December 19, 2009 6:38 PM Subscribe
Recently I have been having trouble finding enjoyment or excitement in almost all of my regular recreational and social activities. I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed, this is not an overall feeling of hopelessness, as I am petty happy with the general outline and direction of my life. It is more of a specific, lackluster feeling of blandness that has gradually crept into most activities that I supposedly do for "enjoyment." I'm only 25. What gives?
This affects things like enjoyment of music, sport, and meeting new people, a feeling of "having been there before." I don't think it is simply a matter of mixing it up and doing new things, because I do try out new activities from time to time and I routinely meet new people. I am happy at work, have a nice girlfriend and otherwise engaged happily in the world. Some specific examples of where this feeling persists:
-I am a music fanatic, yet I haven't heard an album that has given me goosebumps in at least two years. This used to happen a lot more often.
-I follow a sport quite passionately yet I can not remember the last game I watched that I truly enjoyed and gave me that feeling of excitement that caused me to watch the sport regularly in the first place.
-Often when I am taking part in a hobby that I have always enjoyed, my mind wanders and thinks about all the other things I could or should be doing to the point where it becomes quite difficult to actually enjoy the hobby.
-When I meet people now I often automatically categorize them into pre-disposed groups like "hipsters" or "bros" without actually really caring to get to know them on an individual level. I used to be a lot more open minded.
-I have run out of all patience with politics/media (another formerly enjoyable subject) to the point of true apathy.
Is this just a symptom of being a few years out of college and adjusting to the tedium of the 9-5 grind? Have I begun outgrowing all my interests and just not found the new thing or things to replace them with yet? I would love to just be able to go back to being able to enjoy watching a movie or listening to an album and loving it without reservation, but I feel as though I've become too critical or jaded for this to be a possibility. Has this happened to you? How did you get over it?
This affects things like enjoyment of music, sport, and meeting new people, a feeling of "having been there before." I don't think it is simply a matter of mixing it up and doing new things, because I do try out new activities from time to time and I routinely meet new people. I am happy at work, have a nice girlfriend and otherwise engaged happily in the world. Some specific examples of where this feeling persists:
-I am a music fanatic, yet I haven't heard an album that has given me goosebumps in at least two years. This used to happen a lot more often.
-I follow a sport quite passionately yet I can not remember the last game I watched that I truly enjoyed and gave me that feeling of excitement that caused me to watch the sport regularly in the first place.
-Often when I am taking part in a hobby that I have always enjoyed, my mind wanders and thinks about all the other things I could or should be doing to the point where it becomes quite difficult to actually enjoy the hobby.
-When I meet people now I often automatically categorize them into pre-disposed groups like "hipsters" or "bros" without actually really caring to get to know them on an individual level. I used to be a lot more open minded.
-I have run out of all patience with politics/media (another formerly enjoyable subject) to the point of true apathy.
Is this just a symptom of being a few years out of college and adjusting to the tedium of the 9-5 grind? Have I begun outgrowing all my interests and just not found the new thing or things to replace them with yet? I would love to just be able to go back to being able to enjoy watching a movie or listening to an album and loving it without reservation, but I feel as though I've become too critical or jaded for this to be a possibility. Has this happened to you? How did you get over it?
It may be time to trade "youthful" pleasures for more mature ones.
Humbug. Sounds like you need more time to play. Or maybe some play that's not "purposeful."
Q: If you could only cite one discovery you have made about play that continues to excite you what would it be?
Dr. Brown: It is that we, as homo sapiens, are fundamentally equipped for and need to play actively throughout our lifespan by nature’s design. While most social mammals have a life cycle that involves dominance and submissiveness (as in Chimpanzee troops or wolf packs) with play diminishing significantly as adulthood arrives, we retain the biology associated with youthfulness despite still dying of old age! By this I mean that our overall long period of childhood dependency, which is dominated by the need for play, does not end with our reaching adulthood. Our adult biology remains unique among all creatures, and our capacity for flexibility, novelty and exploration persists. If we suppress this natural design, the consequences are dire. The play-less adult becomes stereotyped, inflexible, humorless, lives without irony, loses the capacity for optimism, and generally is quicker to react to stress with violence or depression than the adult whose play life persists. In a world of major continuous change (and we are certainly facing big changes economically now) playful humans who can roll with the punches and innovate through their play-inspired imaginations will better survive. Our playful natures have arrived at this place through the trial and error of millions of years of evolution, and we need to honor our design to play.
posted by bigmusic at 7:24 PM on December 19, 2009 [13 favorites]
Humbug. Sounds like you need more time to play. Or maybe some play that's not "purposeful."
Q: If you could only cite one discovery you have made about play that continues to excite you what would it be?
Dr. Brown: It is that we, as homo sapiens, are fundamentally equipped for and need to play actively throughout our lifespan by nature’s design. While most social mammals have a life cycle that involves dominance and submissiveness (as in Chimpanzee troops or wolf packs) with play diminishing significantly as adulthood arrives, we retain the biology associated with youthfulness despite still dying of old age! By this I mean that our overall long period of childhood dependency, which is dominated by the need for play, does not end with our reaching adulthood. Our adult biology remains unique among all creatures, and our capacity for flexibility, novelty and exploration persists. If we suppress this natural design, the consequences are dire. The play-less adult becomes stereotyped, inflexible, humorless, lives without irony, loses the capacity for optimism, and generally is quicker to react to stress with violence or depression than the adult whose play life persists. In a world of major continuous change (and we are certainly facing big changes economically now) playful humans who can roll with the punches and innovate through their play-inspired imaginations will better survive. Our playful natures have arrived at this place through the trial and error of millions of years of evolution, and we need to honor our design to play.
posted by bigmusic at 7:24 PM on December 19, 2009 [13 favorites]
Sometimes you need someone to remind you how to enjoy things without reservation. I was feeling the same way, and I met someone who is excited about everything and it's rekindled my passion about life.
Have you ever blown bubbles for a group of toddlers? Ordinarily, I couldn't hope to be excited about blowing and popping bubbles but in that situation it's magic.
Sometimes when we're in a funk we attract people who mirror our cynicism and pessimism. Maybe trying new things like Valkyryn suggested might put you in situations where you meet passionate people.
It's easy to get burnt out on one thing or another eventually, maybe giving these things a break and picking them up again sometime later might reignite that flame.
posted by JimmyJames at 7:34 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Have you ever blown bubbles for a group of toddlers? Ordinarily, I couldn't hope to be excited about blowing and popping bubbles but in that situation it's magic.
Sometimes when we're in a funk we attract people who mirror our cynicism and pessimism. Maybe trying new things like Valkyryn suggested might put you in situations where you meet passionate people.
It's easy to get burnt out on one thing or another eventually, maybe giving these things a break and picking them up again sometime later might reignite that flame.
posted by JimmyJames at 7:34 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
bigmusic, oh, come now. Yes, play is important, even very important, but the ways in which we play change over time. One can be quite playful without needing to return to the playground, thank you very much.
posted by valkyryn at 8:00 PM on December 19, 2009
posted by valkyryn at 8:00 PM on December 19, 2009
Your interests and habits have not evolved at the same rate that you, as a person, have.So this is when you start looking at things a little deeper, a little more specifically, a little more wisely, and discover all over again what thrills you and holds your interest.
posted by hermitosis at 8:22 PM on December 19, 2009
posted by hermitosis at 8:22 PM on December 19, 2009
I wrote a couple paras here about needing to make a more conscious effort to try new things once you're past childhood, etc., and how much an apparently-unrelated unhappiness can sometimes make me lose enjoyment of other things. But upon rereading I see that you've already talked about all these points. Sometimes they combine, though: for me, when I've been in the situation you describe, sometimes it's been that something I thought I was doing for fun was actually making me stressed out and unhappy. It can be hard to see these things though. Ask your girlfriend. When does she see you smiling most?
However, re depression— as you say, it sounds kinda like depression. The word isn't important, though. You could try doing things that often help people with depression anyway: Get a little bit of exercise every day without fail. Eat well. Get proper sleep. This is boring advice, yes, but it's sometimes surprisingly effective.
posted by hattifattener at 8:43 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
However, re depression— as you say, it sounds kinda like depression. The word isn't important, though. You could try doing things that often help people with depression anyway: Get a little bit of exercise every day without fail. Eat well. Get proper sleep. This is boring advice, yes, but it's sometimes surprisingly effective.
posted by hattifattener at 8:43 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anhedonia certainly can be a component of depression. I don't know if it is in your case, but it's something to consider.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:55 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:55 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
t almost sounds like you're having a "is this it?" crisis, which I think most people go through during their twenties. I've been going through something similar over the past few years, so I can relate. I got through it by digging a bit and realizing I wasn't happy with certain aspects of my life, particularly my career, and was on the wrong track. I'm now making major changes, and just having a goal over the next few years makes me feel like I'm no longer in a rut.
Fortunately, your situation doesn't sound nearly as radical. Instead, I get the impression you're basically happy but simply lacking meaning. The same advice applies to an extent - find motivation to stay out of the rut. Look for new experiences in your day-to-day life. Try something you've always wanted to do. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, etc.
posted by photo guy at 9:27 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Fortunately, your situation doesn't sound nearly as radical. Instead, I get the impression you're basically happy but simply lacking meaning. The same advice applies to an extent - find motivation to stay out of the rut. Look for new experiences in your day-to-day life. Try something you've always wanted to do. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, etc.
posted by photo guy at 9:27 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
quarter-life crisis? growing up? when you've had a few years in the corporate world and the stress of "real life" (bills, health, etc.) are starting to loom, you have less time for things like watching sports games or listening to music, or they seem less important. life has reprioritized itself for you with or without your knowledge/input. it'll get worse or it'll get better. it'll probably get worse before it gets better. but it's mostly normal.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:52 PM on December 19, 2009
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:52 PM on December 19, 2009
Yes, this has happened to me. At the risk of naming it, because everyone's experience of it is a personal and unique story, this Existential/Quarterlife malaise is not uncommon for people our age.
I have not gotten over it. I don't claim to have any final answers, but my overall approach is to keep learning stuff and doing stuff. Honestly, it's terrifying and beautiful at the same time.
And to all the posts containing some flavor or other of trivializing sports and music in particular. Huh??? Both of these are recreational activities, and have nothing to do with being childish or unimportant, in and of themselves. Plenty of real-life, productive adults find fulfillment in engaging with "activities not urgently related to their survival/careers". In my line of work, tons of mathematicians and scientists who cultivated music as a life-long hobby: Albert Einstein (violin), Djikstra (piano), Bill Joy (organ), Donald Knuth (organ), Richard Feynman (drums), just to name a few. My point is, recreation is psychologically important for "grownups", too. What matters is how you go about doing it.
posted by polymodus at 11:50 PM on December 19, 2009
I have not gotten over it. I don't claim to have any final answers, but my overall approach is to keep learning stuff and doing stuff. Honestly, it's terrifying and beautiful at the same time.
And to all the posts containing some flavor or other of trivializing sports and music in particular. Huh??? Both of these are recreational activities, and have nothing to do with being childish or unimportant, in and of themselves. Plenty of real-life, productive adults find fulfillment in engaging with "activities not urgently related to their survival/careers". In my line of work, tons of mathematicians and scientists who cultivated music as a life-long hobby: Albert Einstein (violin), Djikstra (piano), Bill Joy (organ), Donald Knuth (organ), Richard Feynman (drums), just to name a few. My point is, recreation is psychologically important for "grownups", too. What matters is how you go about doing it.
posted by polymodus at 11:50 PM on December 19, 2009
Wow, I was drafting a very similar question in my head last night! It seems that we (I, personally, and perhaps researchers as well) know a lot about how to avoid and fix "lows" -- depression, anxiety, what have you. There's been a lot less focus on how healthy folks can cultivate happiness, joy, exuberance. (Perhaps this will be changing -- the 'positive psychology' folks are on this question, studying happiness, and hopefully they'll have a lot to teach us!)
I don't know for sure what will work for you (or for me), but here are some things I was going to try in my quest to cultivate some exuberance:
1. Exercise. It's obvious, but that don't mean it won't work.
2. Once a day or so telling myself "I'm going to be exuberant and enthusiastic for the next 20 minutes", or however long. It's easy enough to pump myself up for a little while if I decide to do it. And the great thing is that people around me respond more enthusiastically to me when I'm enthusiastic, and I start having awesome interactions, and it's easy to stay excited!
3. Practicing mindfulness during pleasurable moments. I'm doing something I love, so I'm going to focus and fully experience that moment.
To expand on that last point: I've been inspired by this comment from a recent post, which was describing how to very consciously bring an excited feeling into a marriage by focusing very closely on the physical sensations of having a crush and focusing on trying to reproduce them in the marriage. So, e.g., the OP there was told to notice where she felt warm when thinking about her crush, then to intentionally imagine feeling warm in that same spot while thinking about her husband. Well, damn, that works! Detailed imagination of and focus on physical sensations related to an emotion really do seem to produce those same emotions. Applied to exuberance and joie de vivre, I think it means identifying the physical sensations of happiness and excitement, noticing them and focusing on them when they're present, and even just thinking about them -- willing them into being! -- at happy moments when you're not "up".
A note of caution: it seems that nothing is a joy-killer like thinking "damn, I should be happy right now. Why am I not happy?" That's not what I'm proposing you do. If you're doing something enjoyable, don't beat yourself up for not feeling excited. Just look closely at how you are feeling, at that moment. Hey, maybe can see that that spark in there if you look closely enough! Awesome! Or perhaps instead you find that you are feeling a deep sense of contentment. Great! See this as an opportunity to experiment. What happens if you imagine your heart racing (in a good way!) during that pleasurable moment? Do you actually feel more excited? Cool, now you've learned something! More power to you.
Good luck!
posted by wyzewoman at 12:05 AM on December 20, 2009 [7 favorites]
I don't know for sure what will work for you (or for me), but here are some things I was going to try in my quest to cultivate some exuberance:
1. Exercise. It's obvious, but that don't mean it won't work.
2. Once a day or so telling myself "I'm going to be exuberant and enthusiastic for the next 20 minutes", or however long. It's easy enough to pump myself up for a little while if I decide to do it. And the great thing is that people around me respond more enthusiastically to me when I'm enthusiastic, and I start having awesome interactions, and it's easy to stay excited!
3. Practicing mindfulness during pleasurable moments. I'm doing something I love, so I'm going to focus and fully experience that moment.
To expand on that last point: I've been inspired by this comment from a recent post, which was describing how to very consciously bring an excited feeling into a marriage by focusing very closely on the physical sensations of having a crush and focusing on trying to reproduce them in the marriage. So, e.g., the OP there was told to notice where she felt warm when thinking about her crush, then to intentionally imagine feeling warm in that same spot while thinking about her husband. Well, damn, that works! Detailed imagination of and focus on physical sensations related to an emotion really do seem to produce those same emotions. Applied to exuberance and joie de vivre, I think it means identifying the physical sensations of happiness and excitement, noticing them and focusing on them when they're present, and even just thinking about them -- willing them into being! -- at happy moments when you're not "up".
A note of caution: it seems that nothing is a joy-killer like thinking "damn, I should be happy right now. Why am I not happy?" That's not what I'm proposing you do. If you're doing something enjoyable, don't beat yourself up for not feeling excited. Just look closely at how you are feeling, at that moment. Hey, maybe can see that that spark in there if you look closely enough! Awesome! Or perhaps instead you find that you are feeling a deep sense of contentment. Great! See this as an opportunity to experiment. What happens if you imagine your heart racing (in a good way!) during that pleasurable moment? Do you actually feel more excited? Cool, now you've learned something! More power to you.
Good luck!
posted by wyzewoman at 12:05 AM on December 20, 2009 [7 favorites]
Consider that what may be lacking in your life is the spiritual dimension. Investigate this.
posted by ragtimepiano at 1:13 AM on December 20, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by ragtimepiano at 1:13 AM on December 20, 2009 [2 favorites]
The thing that makes it difficult to answer this to the fullest is that you don't tell us what you do when you're not leisure-ing, as it were. The question I would pose, and have you pose to yourself, is whether you're happy with your current job/education situation. Set aside all those TV-watching, music-listening hours and ask yourself if what you are doing is what you should be doing? Do you love your job? Or is it something that you drag yourself through because you have to and it's stupid and demeaning? When I read this, I immediately thought of my 25-year-old self (I'm 31 now) and remembered those days of working for a company that wa just pure, unmitigated evil. It affected everything from my eating habits to the friends I chose to what I talked about with those friends.
If that's not your trouble, then I can also give you some input.....short and sweet, it goes away. You will find a new phase in life and you will love it all over again. Sports are not what makes the world go around. Music is an enhancer, not a life, unless you are literally a musician. And people often do fall into a category. Congratulate yourself on realizing all of those things, and move on to something that will challenge the hell out of you before you figure it all the way out.
posted by lucky25 at 2:26 AM on December 20, 2009
If that's not your trouble, then I can also give you some input.....short and sweet, it goes away. You will find a new phase in life and you will love it all over again. Sports are not what makes the world go around. Music is an enhancer, not a life, unless you are literally a musician. And people often do fall into a category. Congratulate yourself on realizing all of those things, and move on to something that will challenge the hell out of you before you figure it all the way out.
posted by lucky25 at 2:26 AM on December 20, 2009
It sounds to me like you are simply at the top of the current level on a lot of fronts. Try taking these things (or one of these things) to the next level. Cultivate curiosity and creativity within those topics. For example, with a hobby, step it up. Learn about the players, the game, how to be deeper in it, or how to stand back from it and view it from a new angle. Pick which direction inspires you the most. For me, I like to critique and improve things. Or at least understand them. You might find this, or maybe you prefer to tune that out and find a way to delve deeper into it.
Look for parallels between things. I found recently that I enjoy music mashups. Then when I got bored of them, I reanalyzed why I like them. It's because they take seemingly dissimilar songs and draw unique parallels between common features. MeFite music led me to Lithium Spanish Flea. Certainly bored of both tunes, but together, they highlight the rhythm that is common between them. Something I certainly wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
Then I think of Nate Silver, a sports stats guy, who created a blog that uses his skills to fill a niche in the political data analysis market.
Or labels. My prescription of hipster upon others led me here. Made me think about what I was really thinking.
I could go on, but this isn't about me. This is about you. You need inspiration. Maybe you're a creator. Maybe you're an analyzer. Or something else entirely. Go take your game and apply it to whatever it is you are. Allow yourself to be inspired; then run with it.
The nice thing about this is that you might find yourself so lost in something that an album or hobby or idea will come along, catching you entirely off guard by causing you instant joy in its simplicity. Trust me. Go get lost and it will happen.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:59 AM on December 20, 2009
Look for parallels between things. I found recently that I enjoy music mashups. Then when I got bored of them, I reanalyzed why I like them. It's because they take seemingly dissimilar songs and draw unique parallels between common features. MeFite music led me to Lithium Spanish Flea. Certainly bored of both tunes, but together, they highlight the rhythm that is common between them. Something I certainly wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
Then I think of Nate Silver, a sports stats guy, who created a blog that uses his skills to fill a niche in the political data analysis market.
Or labels. My prescription of hipster upon others led me here. Made me think about what I was really thinking.
I could go on, but this isn't about me. This is about you. You need inspiration. Maybe you're a creator. Maybe you're an analyzer. Or something else entirely. Go take your game and apply it to whatever it is you are. Allow yourself to be inspired; then run with it.
The nice thing about this is that you might find yourself so lost in something that an album or hobby or idea will come along, catching you entirely off guard by causing you instant joy in its simplicity. Trust me. Go get lost and it will happen.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:59 AM on December 20, 2009
A suggestion on the music part: Follow the white rabbit. I'll try to explain what I mean.
Around my mid-20s that I felt the same way about music; nothing thrilled much any more. I'd thought I was open-minded ("I'll hear anything that isn't Opera or Country" was my boastful mantra at the time) and my collection seemed varied and deep. And at the same time unsatisfying. What really opened things up was the advent of MP3s and the myriad ways of finding other non-mainstream discs and tracks. But you've been through that.
Then I started reading more online reviews of things I'd not listened to, finding more music blogs, trying the recommendations of voices I hadn't previously listened to. It led to some amazing discoveries (in some cases, entire genres I didn't know existed). But over time even that lost its potency; interesting things just weren't coming to me in as large a number as they did at first and I stopped looking. Enter music malaise #2 .
What got me out of that rut (and what I still do today) is following the white rabbit. Letting chance guide me. I listen to random things in peoples' shared collections; take the advice of a single passionate commenter who's going against the grain in the comments. Take some time (not a lot) to go down roads I'd dismissed before.
The easiest way to start in this neck of the woods is to find music discussions in AskMe where people talk about their passions. Here are a few examples.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:30 AM on December 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Around my mid-20s that I felt the same way about music; nothing thrilled much any more. I'd thought I was open-minded ("I'll hear anything that isn't Opera or Country" was my boastful mantra at the time) and my collection seemed varied and deep. And at the same time unsatisfying. What really opened things up was the advent of MP3s and the myriad ways of finding other non-mainstream discs and tracks. But you've been through that.
Then I started reading more online reviews of things I'd not listened to, finding more music blogs, trying the recommendations of voices I hadn't previously listened to. It led to some amazing discoveries (in some cases, entire genres I didn't know existed). But over time even that lost its potency; interesting things just weren't coming to me in as large a number as they did at first and I stopped looking. Enter music malaise #2 .
What got me out of that rut (and what I still do today) is following the white rabbit. Letting chance guide me. I listen to random things in peoples' shared collections; take the advice of a single passionate commenter who's going against the grain in the comments. Take some time (not a lot) to go down roads I'd dismissed before.
The easiest way to start in this neck of the woods is to find music discussions in AskMe where people talk about their passions. Here are a few examples.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:30 AM on December 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your interests and habits have not evolved at the same rate that you, as a person, have.So this is when you start looking at things a little deeper, a little more specifically, a little more wisely, and discover all over again what thrills you and holds your interest.
This, I've found, is a great source of the quarter life crisis ennui that a lot of people have.
My suggestion is not to force yourself to do things that no longer hold your interest. You don't owe any duty to your hobbies, they are there for you to enjoy and get your mind off of the drudgery of responsibilities. If you don't enjoy the experience of new music, don't feel bad about it or force yourself to grind through a bunch of stuff you don't like in hopes of finding that spark again. Just let it go for a while. If you still feel like you need to find music you enjoy, try looking for it in different ways. If you haven't been listening to the radio (or streaming music, etc), give that a try. Listen for the music they use in soundtracks for television and movies. Even try watching local newscasts- I've found that I can often hear really good music used as bumpers or backgrounds to stories. (I remember back in high school having my mind blown when I heard Faith No More's Minimum wage as a background on the news.) If you hear a song that sparks your interest, go on a search to find the title and artist. Along the way, you will probably stumble across some good stuff.
And as far as friends go, look at it like this: we meet and befriend people because our paths cross at some point in our lives, and if you visualize those paths as actual intersecting lines, some of our friends' paths intersect with ours at steeper angles than others. Sometimes the emotional bond is strong enough that we change each other's paths to run more parallel and the friendship lasts a lifetime. Sometimes, not. If you find that you no longer share as much with your friends, but still love them, try to find new things you have in common. And don't beat yourself up if you can't. Even though the emotional bond may still be strong, the shared experiences just don't happen as often. Enjoy your friendships with those people and maintain them, but allow yourself and each other the freedom to choose your own paths. Instead of the friendship being based on the convenience or coincidence of shared experiences, let it become something where you trade stories about your lives and just enjoy their company.
(Just as an example, I had and am still having to some extent, the same sorts of feelings. I have a number of friends from the high school and college years with whom I no longer share as much in common. We don't see each other as often. Many of them are building families, or are still getting drunk every weekend. I can't do those things with them anymore, but I love those people and still get together with them as often as I can.)
posted by gjc at 9:49 AM on December 20, 2009
This, I've found, is a great source of the quarter life crisis ennui that a lot of people have.
My suggestion is not to force yourself to do things that no longer hold your interest. You don't owe any duty to your hobbies, they are there for you to enjoy and get your mind off of the drudgery of responsibilities. If you don't enjoy the experience of new music, don't feel bad about it or force yourself to grind through a bunch of stuff you don't like in hopes of finding that spark again. Just let it go for a while. If you still feel like you need to find music you enjoy, try looking for it in different ways. If you haven't been listening to the radio (or streaming music, etc), give that a try. Listen for the music they use in soundtracks for television and movies. Even try watching local newscasts- I've found that I can often hear really good music used as bumpers or backgrounds to stories. (I remember back in high school having my mind blown when I heard Faith No More's Minimum wage as a background on the news.) If you hear a song that sparks your interest, go on a search to find the title and artist. Along the way, you will probably stumble across some good stuff.
And as far as friends go, look at it like this: we meet and befriend people because our paths cross at some point in our lives, and if you visualize those paths as actual intersecting lines, some of our friends' paths intersect with ours at steeper angles than others. Sometimes the emotional bond is strong enough that we change each other's paths to run more parallel and the friendship lasts a lifetime. Sometimes, not. If you find that you no longer share as much with your friends, but still love them, try to find new things you have in common. And don't beat yourself up if you can't. Even though the emotional bond may still be strong, the shared experiences just don't happen as often. Enjoy your friendships with those people and maintain them, but allow yourself and each other the freedom to choose your own paths. Instead of the friendship being based on the convenience or coincidence of shared experiences, let it become something where you trade stories about your lives and just enjoy their company.
(Just as an example, I had and am still having to some extent, the same sorts of feelings. I have a number of friends from the high school and college years with whom I no longer share as much in common. We don't see each other as often. Many of them are building families, or are still getting drunk every weekend. I can't do those things with them anymore, but I love those people and still get together with them as often as I can.)
posted by gjc at 9:49 AM on December 20, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
There's something to be said for not rushing to judgment, especially with people, but there's also something to be said about learning from experience. As we grow up, we learn what we like and don't like, and provided one retains some degree of flexibility and openness, there's nothing wrong with realizing rather quickly that something--or someone--just doesn't do it for you.
Still, it does sound like you haven't found something to replace your interests. It may be time to trade "youthful" pleasures for more mature ones. Expecting that you were always going to be thrilled to death by the same things for your whole life is just unrealistic. I mean, tons of people here grew up with children's programming on PBS, but most of us are probably not willing to sit down and watch it for more than about twenty minutes. Give room for both you and your tastes to grow and change. If music and sport aren't what's doing it for you these days, try something else. Literature. Scotch. Gardening. Film. The possibilities are endless.
posted by valkyryn at 7:01 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]