The time-traveller's advice: 30-year-old edition
September 18, 2012 3:43 AM Subscribe
My turn! Citizens of Metafilter: What advice would you give to your thirty-year-old self?
I love reading questions like this one, but they often carry a slightly bitter-sweet note for me. I end up thinking "Wow, I wish someone had told me that when I turned x years old."
MeFi, please help me get ahead of myself this time around. My twenties come to an end next month. What wisdom, recommendations, guidance and advice do you have for someone who is turning thirty?
I love reading questions like this one, but they often carry a slightly bitter-sweet note for me. I end up thinking "Wow, I wish someone had told me that when I turned x years old."
MeFi, please help me get ahead of myself this time around. My twenties come to an end next month. What wisdom, recommendations, guidance and advice do you have for someone who is turning thirty?
Enjoy the ride.
posted by Doofus Magoo at 3:56 AM on September 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Doofus Magoo at 3:56 AM on September 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Make a bucket list; prioritize items on it
posted by wallawallasweet at 4:02 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by wallawallasweet at 4:02 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
It's better to be alone than in bad company.
posted by drlith at 4:09 AM on September 18, 2012 [67 favorites]
posted by drlith at 4:09 AM on September 18, 2012 [67 favorites]
You're still young; don't be afraid to act it every once in a while.
If you have dreams that you know you need to make real, now's the time.
Happiness isn't permanent, misery isn't permanent, pain isn't permanent. This too shall pass.
posted by gmb at 4:13 AM on September 18, 2012 [10 favorites]
If you have dreams that you know you need to make real, now's the time.
Happiness isn't permanent, misery isn't permanent, pain isn't permanent. This too shall pass.
posted by gmb at 4:13 AM on September 18, 2012 [10 favorites]
Don't spend until you've got the money. Get rid of your credit cards. Quit your job.
posted by run"monty at 4:21 AM on September 18, 2012
posted by run"monty at 4:21 AM on September 18, 2012
If you're not, start exercising regularly now. Also, take good care of your teeth (really).
posted by ryanshepard at 4:27 AM on September 18, 2012 [17 favorites]
posted by ryanshepard at 4:27 AM on September 18, 2012 [17 favorites]
All that stuff you wish you'd done in your 20s? Like saving, traveling, flossing, learning to cook Indian food, taking up running? Do that now.
posted by headnsouth at 4:49 AM on September 18, 2012 [30 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 4:49 AM on September 18, 2012 [30 favorites]
Rethink about how you treat others. Be as kind and thoughtful about others needs as you can be.
It isn't just about you.
posted by AuntieRuth at 4:55 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
It isn't just about you.
posted by AuntieRuth at 4:55 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Save for retirement. Aggressively.
posted by Houstonian at 4:55 AM on September 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by Houstonian at 4:55 AM on September 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
Don't bother getting that CompSci Masters, it won't be worth the effort.
posted by tommasz at 5:12 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 5:12 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Plant a tree. Moisturize. Save money. Cut down on junk food; learn to make good food that you like. Realize that everybody else is struggling too, so be kinder. De-clutter. Give energy to the friendships that you want to last. Pare down the distractions and focus on nurturing what's good.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:16 AM on September 18, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:16 AM on September 18, 2012 [13 favorites]
That stuff you think you will "get to?" You won't. Get rid of it.
Being in a bad relationship is worse than being in no relationship.
If your job is not going anywhere, you need to develop an exit plan and pursue it aggressively.
Don't obsess over it, but thinking about where you would like to be in 10 years' time, then taking the steps you can to get there is a good idea.
The past is memory, and the future is imagination. Now is the only time you really have.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:29 AM on September 18, 2012 [14 favorites]
Being in a bad relationship is worse than being in no relationship.
If your job is not going anywhere, you need to develop an exit plan and pursue it aggressively.
Don't obsess over it, but thinking about where you would like to be in 10 years' time, then taking the steps you can to get there is a good idea.
The past is memory, and the future is imagination. Now is the only time you really have.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:29 AM on September 18, 2012 [14 favorites]
Speak your mind (in the right place and time, with the right tone) and if you can't communicate half-way well with someone, it's doomed... sooner or later. Oh, and don't be silly and worry about what other people might think.
posted by ambient2 at 5:33 AM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by ambient2 at 5:33 AM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
It's OK to write a shitty first draft. The important thing is to write just a little each day -- preferably right after flossing.
posted by Shoggoth at 5:41 AM on September 18, 2012 [24 favorites]
posted by Shoggoth at 5:41 AM on September 18, 2012 [24 favorites]
YOU DON'T KNOW IT NOW BUT YOUR GUMS ARE YOUR MOST PRECIOUS RESOURCE.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:53 AM on September 18, 2012 [21 favorites]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:53 AM on September 18, 2012 [21 favorites]
This isn't a specific item, so much as it's a general observation that might do you some good to keep in mind. From 10 to 20, the years crawl by. From 20 to 30, they go by but slowly. From 30 to 40, they pass in a flash. I'm in my early 40s and kinda terrified because really it feels like only a few days ago I was in my early 30s. My father (late 70s) assures me that life continues to move ever more quickly as the decades pass.
So, this isn't something as concrete as "floss" or "use sunscreen" but... it's useful to know.
posted by Houstonian at 5:54 AM on September 18, 2012 [10 favorites]
So, this isn't something as concrete as "floss" or "use sunscreen" but... it's useful to know.
posted by Houstonian at 5:54 AM on September 18, 2012 [10 favorites]
Being smart and having ideas is not worth nearly as much as sustained hard work and the willingness to take risks.
posted by SampleSize at 5:56 AM on September 18, 2012 [37 favorites]
posted by SampleSize at 5:56 AM on September 18, 2012 [37 favorites]
From 10 to 20, the years crawl by. From 20 to 30, they go by but slowly. From 30 to 40, they pass in a flash. I'm in my early 40s and kinda terrified because really it feels like only a few days ago I was in my early 30s. My father (late 70s) assures me that life continues to move ever more quickly as the decades pass.
And what older people have told me (31) to help me feel good about this is: the only thing that feels shorter is the large-scale time periods. Each day or hour still passes at the same rate. And that's what really matters, because the only thing you're ever experiencing in the present tense is one day.
posted by John Cohen at 6:02 AM on September 18, 2012 [7 favorites]
And what older people have told me (31) to help me feel good about this is: the only thing that feels shorter is the large-scale time periods. Each day or hour still passes at the same rate. And that's what really matters, because the only thing you're ever experiencing in the present tense is one day.
posted by John Cohen at 6:02 AM on September 18, 2012 [7 favorites]
Be sun smarter. Build up the muscle. If they're in there anyway after the second kid, get the tubes tied.
Have a year's worth of wages saved up so when the layoff comes around, you and your back pack can GO. Alternatively, have a year's worth of wages saved up so when you hit the point you've earned a sabbatical, you and your backpack can GO.
Spread more cheer.
posted by tilde at 6:05 AM on September 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
Have a year's worth of wages saved up so when the layoff comes around, you and your back pack can GO. Alternatively, have a year's worth of wages saved up so when you hit the point you've earned a sabbatical, you and your backpack can GO.
Spread more cheer.
posted by tilde at 6:05 AM on September 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
Your 30s will be an accretive decade...the small things you do over the next decade will increasingly start to nail down who you will be and where you will wind up. No time like the present if you want to learn a language or a musical instrument. Pension contributions add up - put in as much as you can reasonably afford, and diversify. Raising children - the sooner you start, the sooner you finish. And nthing the "drink for quality, not for quantity."
posted by sagwalla at 6:06 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by sagwalla at 6:06 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Write the damn novel, now.
posted by jbickers at 6:08 AM on September 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by jbickers at 6:08 AM on September 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
Experiences not stuff. I don't regret anything I've spent (or given up in lost income) on doing things, but I sure can't say the same about things I've bought.
posted by Forktine at 6:15 AM on September 18, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by Forktine at 6:15 AM on September 18, 2012 [15 favorites]
If you want to have kids, wtf are you waiting for?
posted by 2N2222 at 6:29 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by 2N2222 at 6:29 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Keep learning career relevant skills outside of your work. I was in a job for five years and felt like I was either not learning new things, or I was only learning things that were helpful for that specific job. When I left, I didn't feel very marketable. I got another job and I've been here for years and have gradually started to feel the same way. I recently started taking some good online classes (theory and new programming languages) and it's really helped me. Not only am I starting to feel more confident and prepared about the future, I'm also learning things I can apply to my current job.
posted by cali59 at 6:36 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by cali59 at 6:36 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Have a threesome.
Get a pet.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:42 AM on September 18, 2012 [10 favorites]
Get a pet.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:42 AM on September 18, 2012 [10 favorites]
You are much, much younger than you think you are.
posted by xingcat at 6:44 AM on September 18, 2012 [30 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:44 AM on September 18, 2012 [30 favorites]
Take care of your teeth.
Spend on experiences, not stuff.
Save for retirement.
Maintain a good long-lasting relationship with your partner.
Stick it out through the tough times. (This is one of my biggest regrets at 63.)
Try not to get fat, but this can be hard if you are genetically pre-disposed.
Nthing everything said above....;-)
posted by Lone_Wolf at 7:09 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Spend on experiences, not stuff.
Save for retirement.
Maintain a good long-lasting relationship with your partner.
Stick it out through the tough times. (This is one of my biggest regrets at 63.)
Try not to get fat, but this can be hard if you are genetically pre-disposed.
Nthing everything said above....;-)
posted by Lone_Wolf at 7:09 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Look around at your friends. Which ones do you think you will still have around when your 40? Start treating them like that now.
posted by three blind mice at 7:10 AM on September 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by three blind mice at 7:10 AM on September 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
Seriously? You are at a time in your life when it is very easy to incur debts that become increasingly difficult to discharge. Not just monetary debts but deficits in your preparation for the future. If you own your home you are tempted to defer maintenance. You're tempted to defer maintenance on your body as well: quitting smoking, moderating intoxicants, establishing a habit of exercise, establishing habits of regular preventative health and dental care. Its time to start watching what you eat, saving for your retirement and figuring out insurance. Every year from now on it will take more effort than the year before to maintain your weight, it will be more difficult to abandon harmful addictions, more difficult to adopt exercise as a habit. If you carry a balance on a credit card they are now obligated by law to present you with an assessment of how long it will take and how much it will cost to discharge that debt if you pay only the minimum payment, and how the situation could be improved under more aggressive repayment scenarios. These little charts are an eloquent instruction in the power of compound interest. Take these lessons to heart. Don't go back to school to fix your career dissatisfaction without a very clear, data-supported understanding of the exact sort of career it is going to lead to and a precise roadmap of how you will get there during and after school, a clear understanding of how much it is going to cost and (if you are going to take on financial debt to pay for it) a clear understanding of how much it will cost to service that debt and how long it will take to pay it off.
posted by nanojath at 7:16 AM on September 18, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by nanojath at 7:16 AM on September 18, 2012 [15 favorites]
Stretch every day. Do the sit-and-reach in particular, because if you have a desk job then your hamstrings are probably dogshit and you'll want to get started on that as soon as possible. You have a finite amount of time left, so every day you put something off is one less day you have to do that thing.
If anything bothers you for more than a couple days, talk to your doctor, even if you're sure it's nothing.
Never enter into a business relationship with a friend if they're someone whose friendship you couldn't stand to lose.
Say yes to adventure while you can. It gets harder once you have kids.
If you can't see a friend on their birthday, call them and say happy birthday. Posting on their Facebook wall is something you do for the people you're not as close to. Put energy into maintaining the friendships that you care about. It's worth doing.
Drinking should be fun. If you're drinking, but you're not having fun, stop drinking.
Don't skip meals. This becomes especially important as you start forming long-lasting, intimate relationships and you come home cranky because you didn't eat lunch and your blood sugar is low. Low blood sugar is the source of more interpersonal problems than I care to name.
By this point, you should be able to see patterns in your life and the lives of others. Recognize when someone's just been "having a run of bad luck" that somehow seems to have lasted pretty much the entire time you've known them. Realize that those people aren't really likely to change. It's okay to cut some of them loose. At the least, it's okay to not lend them money. Don't be a sucker.
People you know are going to start pairing off in greater numbers, and the dynamic between you and them will change. People you know are going to start dying in greater numbers. Change is constant. Spend more time with the people you love. Accept that no amount of time will be enough. Once they're gone, you'll be certain you should have spent more time with them. It's okay.
If you haven't learned the art of forgiveness - most importantly, the art of forgiving yourself - now is the time.
Now is the time, in general. The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time to plant a tree is now. You are not going to live forever. If you eliminate time spent farting around on the Internet or staring at the TV, you'll find you have time to do the things you've been meaning to. Start running. Write that novel. Whatever. Just do it, because you don't have forever and you're still young.
If you want to retain an appreciation for what you have, try saying you feel old in front of people who are older than you are.
Don't let yourself get caught up in thoughts of what you did with your life: thoughts of whether you succeeded or failed. You cannot talk about your life in the past tense until you're dead, and then you're dead and you can't. Up until then: Anyone who tells you it's never too late is being unrealistic. However: Sometimes it's too late, but not usually. In any event, conduct yourself as though it isn't. You're probably right.
When you feel like you're completely at sea in life, and everyone you know seems to have themselves together, do not despair: most of them, they feel the latter way about you, and the former about themselves. You're doing better than you think.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:19 AM on September 18, 2012 [97 favorites]
If anything bothers you for more than a couple days, talk to your doctor, even if you're sure it's nothing.
Never enter into a business relationship with a friend if they're someone whose friendship you couldn't stand to lose.
Say yes to adventure while you can. It gets harder once you have kids.
If you can't see a friend on their birthday, call them and say happy birthday. Posting on their Facebook wall is something you do for the people you're not as close to. Put energy into maintaining the friendships that you care about. It's worth doing.
Drinking should be fun. If you're drinking, but you're not having fun, stop drinking.
Don't skip meals. This becomes especially important as you start forming long-lasting, intimate relationships and you come home cranky because you didn't eat lunch and your blood sugar is low. Low blood sugar is the source of more interpersonal problems than I care to name.
By this point, you should be able to see patterns in your life and the lives of others. Recognize when someone's just been "having a run of bad luck" that somehow seems to have lasted pretty much the entire time you've known them. Realize that those people aren't really likely to change. It's okay to cut some of them loose. At the least, it's okay to not lend them money. Don't be a sucker.
People you know are going to start pairing off in greater numbers, and the dynamic between you and them will change. People you know are going to start dying in greater numbers. Change is constant. Spend more time with the people you love. Accept that no amount of time will be enough. Once they're gone, you'll be certain you should have spent more time with them. It's okay.
If you haven't learned the art of forgiveness - most importantly, the art of forgiving yourself - now is the time.
Now is the time, in general. The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time to plant a tree is now. You are not going to live forever. If you eliminate time spent farting around on the Internet or staring at the TV, you'll find you have time to do the things you've been meaning to. Start running. Write that novel. Whatever. Just do it, because you don't have forever and you're still young.
If you want to retain an appreciation for what you have, try saying you feel old in front of people who are older than you are.
Don't let yourself get caught up in thoughts of what you did with your life: thoughts of whether you succeeded or failed. You cannot talk about your life in the past tense until you're dead, and then you're dead and you can't. Up until then: Anyone who tells you it's never too late is being unrealistic. However: Sometimes it's too late, but not usually. In any event, conduct yourself as though it isn't. You're probably right.
When you feel like you're completely at sea in life, and everyone you know seems to have themselves together, do not despair: most of them, they feel the latter way about you, and the former about themselves. You're doing better than you think.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:19 AM on September 18, 2012 [97 favorites]
Pay off your credit card debt. Save money. There is no dream job or soul mate. Relationships take work, lots of work. Don't panic that you are going to miss the marriage and kids boat; a lot of people catch that ride and realize its not what they wanted. Do a good job at whatever it is you do because you'll need the references later. Travel. Develop routines for self-care. Slow down and enjoy life.
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:21 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:21 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Work out.
Go to the dentist.
And for god's sake, trust your gut and dump the loser and all his loser friends.
posted by teleri025 at 7:22 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
Go to the dentist.
And for god's sake, trust your gut and dump the loser and all his loser friends.
posted by teleri025 at 7:22 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
Oh, man - I'd tell my 30 year old self that It Gets Better. She thought things were pretty good, too. Having a little money and less uncertainty in your thirties Helps.
Mostly, if you've struggled with something but not gotten therapy because of expense/insurance/that's for Other People/it's just a little thing that's totally survivable? Do some therapy Now and see if life can't be Better Sooner. I wish my 30's self had gone to therapy earlier.
posted by ldthomps at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Mostly, if you've struggled with something but not gotten therapy because of expense/insurance/that's for Other People/it's just a little thing that's totally survivable? Do some therapy Now and see if life can't be Better Sooner. I wish my 30's self had gone to therapy earlier.
posted by ldthomps at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
I turned 30 this year and one of the best things I did to say goodbye to my twenties was to go on holiday on my own - I went to Amsterdam and drank beer and explored and sent postcards to my boyfriend and friends. If you can't go to a foreign country, spend some time enjoying your own company, and feel proud of yourself for getting through the decade. Everyone told me that your thirties are way better than your twenties.
posted by mippy at 8:17 AM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by mippy at 8:17 AM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Others have said this, but I need to reiterate in a stronger fashion: get rid of your unnecessary possessions, and don't acquire new ones. Stuff drags you down, and makes it difficult to live a free and happy life.
Be nice to yourself, and forgive your mistakes. As a corollary: don't lie to yourself. Be honest about what you want from your life, and figure out the best way to accomplish it.
Think about what you'll do to make the world a better place, and then go do it.
posted by k8lin at 8:21 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Be nice to yourself, and forgive your mistakes. As a corollary: don't lie to yourself. Be honest about what you want from your life, and figure out the best way to accomplish it.
Think about what you'll do to make the world a better place, and then go do it.
posted by k8lin at 8:21 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Get fit and exercise. Seriously. It's awesome.
Those things in you that you thought you might need therapy or treatment to fix? Do it now. You'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Life will be so much better.
posted by Ms. Toad at 8:22 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Those things in you that you thought you might need therapy or treatment to fix? Do it now. You'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Life will be so much better.
posted by Ms. Toad at 8:22 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
This is the time when you start going to funerals for parents of friends, aunts and uncles, and possibly even your own parents. If you have something to say go ahead and say it. If you have something to ask go ahead and ask it. If your grandmother is still alive call her. Take pictures together and write down their stories.
posted by Alison at 8:25 AM on September 18, 2012 [26 favorites]
posted by Alison at 8:25 AM on September 18, 2012 [26 favorites]
When the opportunity comes up, *do not* install Solitaire on your phone/tablet/netbook/PDA.
posted by tuesdayschild at 8:35 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by tuesdayschild at 8:35 AM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Stop using things and people to fulfill the void left by unhappiness that you caused for yourself.
Learn the difference between friends of convenience and true friends. People might end up in a category you didn't expect.
Re-read Walden. Learn to add value to your social interactions, be OK being alone. Decide what is important and what is trivial, and stop wasting time on the trivial. Stop gossiping.
Quit that thing that is making you miserable. NOW. You are in charge. Stop seeking advice for every problem. No one has all the answers, sometimes the only answer is from your gut.
THERAPY. You need it, even though you thunk you are OK. No, it's not "OK" you are living in your car/office even though you have plenty of money. It's fucking weird, and your friends are too freaked out to say anything.
(I'm 31; I learned way too much this past year, but I'm glad I did.)
posted by peacrow at 8:57 AM on September 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
Learn the difference between friends of convenience and true friends. People might end up in a category you didn't expect.
Re-read Walden. Learn to add value to your social interactions, be OK being alone. Decide what is important and what is trivial, and stop wasting time on the trivial. Stop gossiping.
Quit that thing that is making you miserable. NOW. You are in charge. Stop seeking advice for every problem. No one has all the answers, sometimes the only answer is from your gut.
THERAPY. You need it, even though you thunk you are OK. No, it's not "OK" you are living in your car/office even though you have plenty of money. It's fucking weird, and your friends are too freaked out to say anything.
(I'm 31; I learned way too much this past year, but I'm glad I did.)
posted by peacrow at 8:57 AM on September 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
I think of my 30s as the decade of really being a grown-up. Nobody is going to take care of you, so you need to take care of yourself and your family. If you want or need something, figure out how to make it happen, and then do it. Be straightforward and ask for what you need.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:24 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:24 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
Stop hiding. Confront more. Speak up. Perform. Buy more AAPL.
posted by smidgen at 9:53 AM on September 18, 2012
posted by smidgen at 9:53 AM on September 18, 2012
Be curious, keep learning.
If you're unhappy, change the situation.
But you can't change other people, so don't waste your life trying.
Travel somewhere at least once a year.
Less things, more experiences.
posted by heyjude at 10:35 AM on September 18, 2012
If you're unhappy, change the situation.
But you can't change other people, so don't waste your life trying.
Travel somewhere at least once a year.
Less things, more experiences.
posted by heyjude at 10:35 AM on September 18, 2012
This is the time when you start going to funerals for parents of friends, aunts and uncles, and possibly even your own parents. If you have something to say go ahead and say it. If you have something to ask go ahead and ask it. If your grandmother is still alive call her. Take pictures together and write down their stories.
I can't favourite this enough. It will creep up on you like you wouldn't believe. Also, even if funerals are (hopefully) a long way off, the health of your parents (and their peers that you love) is going to start to decline, if it hasn't already. Maybe slowly, maybe quickly. They will start relying on you more than they have. Probably reluctantly, but they'll need you one way or the other. Be prepared to devote some of your energy to supporting them. If the thought of doing that brings up stuff for you (it did for me in a big way), talk to a therapist and deal with it right now.
I really hope you enjoyed your 20s. They're a special time. Your 30s will be too, but different. You'll be amazed at how much clearer you are on what matters, how little tolerance you'll have for drama.
posted by dry white toast at 10:45 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
I can't favourite this enough. It will creep up on you like you wouldn't believe. Also, even if funerals are (hopefully) a long way off, the health of your parents (and their peers that you love) is going to start to decline, if it hasn't already. Maybe slowly, maybe quickly. They will start relying on you more than they have. Probably reluctantly, but they'll need you one way or the other. Be prepared to devote some of your energy to supporting them. If the thought of doing that brings up stuff for you (it did for me in a big way), talk to a therapist and deal with it right now.
I really hope you enjoyed your 20s. They're a special time. Your 30s will be too, but different. You'll be amazed at how much clearer you are on what matters, how little tolerance you'll have for drama.
posted by dry white toast at 10:45 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
You are now free of the pressure to stay out after midnight to prove you're making the most of your weekend.
posted by psoas at 11:11 AM on September 18, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by psoas at 11:11 AM on September 18, 2012 [16 favorites]
Related to psoas suggestion, nothing awesome will happen at the party after you go to bed. Most everyone else is looking for an excuse to go to bed as well. Only unfortunate things that involve police, yelling, and/or vomiting will happen after you go to bed.
So say goodnight and feel proud.
posted by teleri025 at 12:33 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
So say goodnight and feel proud.
posted by teleri025 at 12:33 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Never do any work except for money, paid immediately upon services rendered.
Earn as much money as you can. Save as much money as you can. Focus on serving yourself, your family and no one else. Look out for #1. Anyone who tells you to serve some higher cause or calling is operating a scam.
Never go into debt for anything other than a medical emergency.
posted by John Farrier at 12:52 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Earn as much money as you can. Save as much money as you can. Focus on serving yourself, your family and no one else. Look out for #1. Anyone who tells you to serve some higher cause or calling is operating a scam.
Never go into debt for anything other than a medical emergency.
posted by John Farrier at 12:52 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
xingcat: "You are much, much younger than you think you are."
The opposite is also true: you're older than you think you are. Life doesn't last forever. That thing that scares the shit out of you, but you really want to do it? Do it. It's better to regret things you have done than the things you didn't.
posted by deborah at 1:37 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
The opposite is also true: you're older than you think you are. Life doesn't last forever. That thing that scares the shit out of you, but you really want to do it? Do it. It's better to regret things you have done than the things you didn't.
posted by deborah at 1:37 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Appreciate your skin's elasticity.
posted by mcbeth at 1:59 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by mcbeth at 1:59 PM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Stop second-guessing yourself.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:27 PM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:27 PM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
The people in your life - spouse, kids, etc. - are far more important than anything else. Money is useful, yes, and a nice house can make you fee good. But those things don't compare to the joy of being in a family.
posted by tacodave at 2:29 PM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by tacodave at 2:29 PM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
If your career direction and family life are untrammeled enough to permit it, take a year of your retirement NOW, and while you're young and healthy enough to truly enjoy it.
posted by Ardea alba at 2:31 PM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Ardea alba at 2:31 PM on September 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
If you want kids, have kids. Because if you want to have kids and wait until it is the "right" time to have kids, you'll die rich (ha!) but without kids.
posted by lstanley at 7:09 PM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by lstanley at 7:09 PM on September 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
52 years old here. The single most important thing I can tell you is:
This too, shall pass.
Other things:
Take care of your teeth, your feet, and your intestines. These things will cause you much pain later on if you don't. Buy a Sonicare toothbrush. Seriously, buy one.
Don't moisturize; exfoliate instead. Trust me on this one. I can provide Mefite references to attest to the effectiveness of it.
You can't change people. So stop caring so much about other people who don't live their life the way you think they should. They will always exist. Just learn to work around them.
In a lot of (but not all) instances, you don't need therapy, you just need to remember that this too, shall pass.
In a lot of (but not all) instances, you don't need therapy, you just need to remember that you're not that fucking important. People are too busy worrying about themselves to care about what you're saying, doing, thinking. Stop worrying; just be.
Persistence generally matters more than anything else. Just keep trying, and eventually you'll get there. If nothing else, you'll outlast the bastards.
Money *can* buy happiness. Because it can buy regular car maintenance, dental care, and freedom. (Always have an escape fund.)
Knowledge is power. Read anything and everything that presents itself.
Very, very few of the people in your life now will be important to you in 20, or even 10, years. The ones that are important, you will be able to reconnect with after a 35 year absence and pick up right where you left off.
You are more like your family than you think you are. You are also less like them than they think you are.
If you have a problem, consult an expert. You probably have more options than you realize.
And yeah, DTMFA.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:03 AM on September 19, 2012 [8 favorites]
This too, shall pass.
Other things:
Take care of your teeth, your feet, and your intestines. These things will cause you much pain later on if you don't. Buy a Sonicare toothbrush. Seriously, buy one.
Don't moisturize; exfoliate instead. Trust me on this one. I can provide Mefite references to attest to the effectiveness of it.
You can't change people. So stop caring so much about other people who don't live their life the way you think they should. They will always exist. Just learn to work around them.
In a lot of (but not all) instances, you don't need therapy, you just need to remember that this too, shall pass.
In a lot of (but not all) instances, you don't need therapy, you just need to remember that you're not that fucking important. People are too busy worrying about themselves to care about what you're saying, doing, thinking. Stop worrying; just be.
Persistence generally matters more than anything else. Just keep trying, and eventually you'll get there. If nothing else, you'll outlast the bastards.
Money *can* buy happiness. Because it can buy regular car maintenance, dental care, and freedom. (Always have an escape fund.)
Knowledge is power. Read anything and everything that presents itself.
Very, very few of the people in your life now will be important to you in 20, or even 10, years. The ones that are important, you will be able to reconnect with after a 35 year absence and pick up right where you left off.
You are more like your family than you think you are. You are also less like them than they think you are.
If you have a problem, consult an expert. You probably have more options than you realize.
And yeah, DTMFA.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:03 AM on September 19, 2012 [8 favorites]
Think about being grateful for the things you have. Transform problems into attributes through steady work. Notice the beauty of the world around you, the passing of the seasons, and the clouds as they go by.
Refine your ability to truly relax.
posted by jinkoh at 9:52 AM on September 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
Refine your ability to truly relax.
posted by jinkoh at 9:52 AM on September 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
Don't think that stress is something that happens to other people, or that you are tough and can handle what life throws at you, no matter what it is, just by gritting your teeth and pushing through it. Work hard to recognise a) what stress is and b) what impact it can have on you. Learn to recognise the signals that you are under stress, and then work to counter that (relaxation exercises, more time alone, tackling a problem you've been ignoring, etc.).
Set your priorities. You have to take care of your own well-being first (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) before you can be there for others. This is *not* being selfish.
If you stop doing things for others, they will decide it's not important, or do it themselves, or find other ways to get it done. You don't *have* to be there for them constantly.
Learn what boundaries are and how to set them. Also remember that no one likes having you set boundaries, because now you are saying they can't do what they want to do or that you won't do what you've done in the past. Remember, to quote Melody Beattie, "you can't simultaneously set a boundary and take care of someone's feelings." You don't need to be rude, but you do need to be firm.
Learn what your rights are--you have the right to want something different than what your parents wanted for you, for example, and to follow that path. You have the right to be treated with respect. Etc.
On the other hand, you also have responsibilities. Don't take on too many things, because each one comes with responsibililties. A job, a partner, children, pets, volunteer work, and so forth--you only have so much time in the day. Don't be that person who says yes to everything and then doesn't follow up and leaves others struggling to do your work. Don't be the person who does do everything but then has no time left for yourself and then blames others for that, or is full of self-pity, or is just generally unhappy.
Pay attention to your anger. You don't need to throw hissy fits or create drama when you're angry (in fact, please don't), but remember that anger is *always* a signal that something is wrong. Maybe you're tired or hungry and overreacting to a situation, but on the other hand maybe you're being treated badly. Sit down and figure out what it is. If you are being treated badly, learn how to speak up for yourself. Read Harriet Goldhor Lerner's The Dance of Anger and one of the many good books on being self-assertive.
Check your motivations as often as possible before you do or say anything--especially before you send that E-mail.
Take the high road.
You can never go wrong by being polite, no matter how much provocation you are under to tell the other person exactly what you think of him/her.
The thing you really hate about that person? Check to see in what ways that character trait is present in yourself, and then work with it.
Other people are struggling too, every day, and often with things you know nothing about. This includes the hateful annoying people you have to deal with and want to scream at. Try to be patient with them.
posted by purplesludge at 10:39 AM on September 19, 2012 [14 favorites]
Set your priorities. You have to take care of your own well-being first (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) before you can be there for others. This is *not* being selfish.
If you stop doing things for others, they will decide it's not important, or do it themselves, or find other ways to get it done. You don't *have* to be there for them constantly.
Learn what boundaries are and how to set them. Also remember that no one likes having you set boundaries, because now you are saying they can't do what they want to do or that you won't do what you've done in the past. Remember, to quote Melody Beattie, "you can't simultaneously set a boundary and take care of someone's feelings." You don't need to be rude, but you do need to be firm.
Learn what your rights are--you have the right to want something different than what your parents wanted for you, for example, and to follow that path. You have the right to be treated with respect. Etc.
On the other hand, you also have responsibilities. Don't take on too many things, because each one comes with responsibililties. A job, a partner, children, pets, volunteer work, and so forth--you only have so much time in the day. Don't be that person who says yes to everything and then doesn't follow up and leaves others struggling to do your work. Don't be the person who does do everything but then has no time left for yourself and then blames others for that, or is full of self-pity, or is just generally unhappy.
Pay attention to your anger. You don't need to throw hissy fits or create drama when you're angry (in fact, please don't), but remember that anger is *always* a signal that something is wrong. Maybe you're tired or hungry and overreacting to a situation, but on the other hand maybe you're being treated badly. Sit down and figure out what it is. If you are being treated badly, learn how to speak up for yourself. Read Harriet Goldhor Lerner's The Dance of Anger and one of the many good books on being self-assertive.
Check your motivations as often as possible before you do or say anything--especially before you send that E-mail.
Take the high road.
You can never go wrong by being polite, no matter how much provocation you are under to tell the other person exactly what you think of him/her.
The thing you really hate about that person? Check to see in what ways that character trait is present in yourself, and then work with it.
Other people are struggling too, every day, and often with things you know nothing about. This includes the hateful annoying people you have to deal with and want to scream at. Try to be patient with them.
posted by purplesludge at 10:39 AM on September 19, 2012 [14 favorites]
You are not too old to make a career change. You are not too old to return to school.
If you realize that you can't change your mother, and accept her as she is, then you can work to improve your relationship with her.
Decide what your limit is, when it comes to drinking. It is no longer a contest to have the highest limit, or to exceed it on a Saturday night.
Consider placing 10% of your pay in your retirement plan, now and for the next 30 to 40 years. It will probably allow you to retire securely.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 11:57 AM on September 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you realize that you can't change your mother, and accept her as she is, then you can work to improve your relationship with her.
Decide what your limit is, when it comes to drinking. It is no longer a contest to have the highest limit, or to exceed it on a Saturday night.
Consider placing 10% of your pay in your retirement plan, now and for the next 30 to 40 years. It will probably allow you to retire securely.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 11:57 AM on September 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
Oh man! Stretch and exercise. If you're going to have kids, you want to be limber, strong, and healthy. I guess I should start now, but at this point as soon as my boy starts learning how to run I'm pretty screwed.
posted by Deathalicious at 7:01 AM on September 20, 2012
posted by Deathalicious at 7:01 AM on September 20, 2012
Shed all the bitter, negative people in your life who weigh you down with their cynicism and pessimism.
Learn to distinguish advice given from bitter and angry people and from levelheaded people.
Don't take advice from bitter and angry people.
Be friends with people you admire and want to be more like.
Be your best friend.
Work at changing yourself as often as you can into a better person and a person who can be good to other people.
posted by discopolo at 12:30 PM on September 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
Learn to distinguish advice given from bitter and angry people and from levelheaded people.
Don't take advice from bitter and angry people.
Be friends with people you admire and want to be more like.
Be your best friend.
Work at changing yourself as often as you can into a better person and a person who can be good to other people.
posted by discopolo at 12:30 PM on September 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
Money *can* buy happiness. Because it can buy regular car maintenance, dental care, and freedom. (Always have an escape fund.)
This is important. Don't listen to people who try to encourage you to mess up for finances for a shot at growing your ego or taking a huge financial risk because you want something exciting to happen. Keep a level head.
Learn to get along with everybody.
posted by discopolo at 12:33 PM on September 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is important. Don't listen to people who try to encourage you to mess up for finances for a shot at growing your ego or taking a huge financial risk because you want something exciting to happen. Keep a level head.
Learn to get along with everybody.
posted by discopolo at 12:33 PM on September 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
I find the endless admonitions against spending money recklessly or accumulating debt to be little more than post-facto scolding. You’ve always got an opinion about how other people spend their money, I gather. There are excellent reasons to spend money and go into debt in one’s 20s and 30s, and neither of those will invariably lead to worse trouble down the road.
It’s nothing short of patronizing to instruct us to learn what compound interest is. Tell me: What’s your opinion on bankruptcy? A moral failing in itself?
Other people have reasons to spend money and go into debt even if you personally disapprove of those reasons or, as is the case here, never bothered to ask.
posted by joeclark at 1:17 PM on October 10, 2012
It’s nothing short of patronizing to instruct us to learn what compound interest is. Tell me: What’s your opinion on bankruptcy? A moral failing in itself?
Other people have reasons to spend money and go into debt even if you personally disapprove of those reasons or, as is the case here, never bothered to ask.
posted by joeclark at 1:17 PM on October 10, 2012
Quit your day job.
posted by yoHighness at 8:38 AM on May 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by yoHighness at 8:38 AM on May 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by waving at 3:49 AM on September 18, 2012 [22 favorites]