I don't want to lose my temper.
December 15, 2009 12:26 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend has a tendency to lose shit. His wallet, his license, cell phones, keys, ipod, money. This mostly happens when he’s drunk but it also happens when he is stone cold sober. At first, I thought it was weird. Then it became annoying. Now it absolutely infuriates me. Despite his tendency to lose things, he still likes to borrow stuff from other people. And becomes offended when he gets refused.
He is currently out of work. Money is so very tight, he has nothing coming in. I get transit cheks and decided to get multiple cards so that he would have transportation for interviews and so forth. This may sound stupid but getting my metrocards through this program provides me with a certain amount of stability. It is one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t have to wait in line at the train station, or spend any after-tax money on them. Despite this, and as a display of trust, I lent him my card. He lost it. I am so angry. This feels like an endless loop in loserdom. When he got in (drunk, at 6am), I felt capable of violence. I made him sleep on the floor in the living room (we don’t have couches) and held back from most of the viciousness.
How do I deal with my anger and communicate with him so that he understands where I’m coming from. I don’t want to cry or yell or throw anything and that is exactly where I am emotionally. I am normally very calm and able to deal with all kinds of situations without losing it. Right now I’m on the verge.
He is currently out of work. Money is so very tight, he has nothing coming in. I get transit cheks and decided to get multiple cards so that he would have transportation for interviews and so forth. This may sound stupid but getting my metrocards through this program provides me with a certain amount of stability. It is one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t have to wait in line at the train station, or spend any after-tax money on them. Despite this, and as a display of trust, I lent him my card. He lost it. I am so angry. This feels like an endless loop in loserdom. When he got in (drunk, at 6am), I felt capable of violence. I made him sleep on the floor in the living room (we don’t have couches) and held back from most of the viciousness.
How do I deal with my anger and communicate with him so that he understands where I’m coming from. I don’t want to cry or yell or throw anything and that is exactly where I am emotionally. I am normally very calm and able to deal with all kinds of situations without losing it. Right now I’m on the verge.
Ask yourself one question: Are you in love with him?
(Sounds like he has lost you too - DTMF.)
posted by cinemafiend at 12:31 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
(Sounds like he has lost you too - DTMF.)
posted by cinemafiend at 12:31 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
i understand your desire to want to communicate with him unemotionally, but it's okay to cry in front of him about this. it might help him understand how frustrated you are.
posted by anthropomorphic at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by anthropomorphic at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2009
From experience, I advise you not to be angry for your own health and sanity and self-esteem.
I want to guess that you're really angry that he's unemployed and you have to have a "loser" boyfriend.
Surely the metro card can be replaced. I know I've lost my SmartTrip card and it was easily and efficiently replaced.
When he got in (drunk, at 6am), I felt capable of violence. I made him sleep on the floor in the living room (we don’t have couches) and held back from most of the viciousness.
This is super mean. Listen, if you can only be mean to him, you have to restrict contact with him. You knew he lost stuff always and yet you lent him your metro card.
The violence stuff...you need to tell him to go somewhere or get yourself on someone's couch when you feel like that.
I'd like to blame him, but there's too much going on in you that makes me worry about him, his health, and his safety.
posted by anniecat at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
I want to guess that you're really angry that he's unemployed and you have to have a "loser" boyfriend.
Surely the metro card can be replaced. I know I've lost my SmartTrip card and it was easily and efficiently replaced.
When he got in (drunk, at 6am), I felt capable of violence. I made him sleep on the floor in the living room (we don’t have couches) and held back from most of the viciousness.
This is super mean. Listen, if you can only be mean to him, you have to restrict contact with him. You knew he lost stuff always and yet you lent him your metro card.
The violence stuff...you need to tell him to go somewhere or get yourself on someone's couch when you feel like that.
I'd like to blame him, but there's too much going on in you that makes me worry about him, his health, and his safety.
posted by anniecat at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
You've given no reasons why you want to avoid blowing up at him. Are you sure you aren't looking for the OK to DTMFA?
posted by Babblesort at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by Babblesort at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2009
you can't control another person, you can only control you. if something he does inspires an emotional response that makes you feel "capable of violence", this is not a healthy relationship. kicking someone out of bed (especially if there isn't another soft spot to sleep) for losing a metro card, no matter how tight money is, is an unacceptable reaction.
it's my experience that once resentment grows this large, there's no deflating it. do yourself both a favor and find someone more organized and thoughtful.
posted by nadawi at 12:33 PM on December 15, 2009 [10 favorites]
it's my experience that once resentment grows this large, there's no deflating it. do yourself both a favor and find someone more organized and thoughtful.
posted by nadawi at 12:33 PM on December 15, 2009 [10 favorites]
Are you sure it's just the losing things that's really bothering you? Or is it the fact that he's unemployed and being irresponsible financially with your money and doing things like coming home at 6:00 a.m. after a night of drinking?
posted by something something at 12:35 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by something something at 12:35 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]
I doubt the real issue is that he lost the card. You're supporting him and he's being irresponsible (coming home drunk at 6 am? what?), so this is a perfectly valid time to "lose it." Crying is a fine way to express yourself. Yelling is not preferable, but may sometimes be the only way for someone to really know how upset you are. Violence is never OK.
Who is paying for him to drink? As long as he has money to drink, he has money for public transit. Stop buying him stuff as long as he drinks.
posted by desjardins at 12:37 PM on December 15, 2009 [26 favorites]
Who is paying for him to drink? As long as he has money to drink, he has money for public transit. Stop buying him stuff as long as he drinks.
posted by desjardins at 12:37 PM on December 15, 2009 [26 favorites]
The problem grows when you try to suppress it and pretend it does not bother you.
and it grows much larger than it really is.
I do find your making him sleep on the floor, and your allusion to violence highly
disturbing and I suggest you start counseling or therapy as soon as possible.
posted by digividal at 12:40 PM on December 15, 2009
and it grows much larger than it really is.
I do find your making him sleep on the floor, and your allusion to violence highly
disturbing and I suggest you start counseling or therapy as soon as possible.
posted by digividal at 12:40 PM on December 15, 2009
I think you have every right to be angry. When I've had friendships (luckily not romantic relationships) that go in the irresponsibility-with-my-stuff direction, I go into lockdown mode and don't lend anything out. It seems harsh, but it actually saves my friendships.
Example: I used to lend my car out to any of my friends who wanted to use it. After seeing the way some of them treated my car, I basically held a press conference announcing that no one but me may drive it. They whine sometimes, but we're still much better friends than we'd be if one of them had had an accident.
If you can't set a boundary around your possessions, you probably should think about D'ing TMFA.
posted by oinopaponton at 12:40 PM on December 15, 2009
Example: I used to lend my car out to any of my friends who wanted to use it. After seeing the way some of them treated my car, I basically held a press conference announcing that no one but me may drive it. They whine sometimes, but we're still much better friends than we'd be if one of them had had an accident.
If you can't set a boundary around your possessions, you probably should think about D'ing TMFA.
posted by oinopaponton at 12:40 PM on December 15, 2009
You lent him your card as a "display of trust", but from what I can tell, there is no reason to trust he won't lose your things. Surely the metro card THE BOYFRIEND can be replaced.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:41 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:41 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]
The rule of the couch is, if you've gotta go there, if you really, really cannot work it out before bedtime, the person with the grievance sleeps on the couch. Not the person who aggrieved them.
If you can't manage that, it's seriously time to question your motives in the relationship.
Also, how often is Mr. Man coming home drunk, anyhow? Is there something else going on here?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 12:44 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]
If you can't manage that, it's seriously time to question your motives in the relationship.
Also, how often is Mr. Man coming home drunk, anyhow? Is there something else going on here?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 12:44 PM on December 15, 2009 [6 favorites]
I'm with desjardins. When someone can't afford to pay you for a transit card, but somehow can afford to stay out drinking till 6am, the problem isn't lack of money. It's excess entitlement.
The correct response to losing your card should have been immediately buying you a new one. Or, at least, offering. That woud have shown he respects you, and he knows how to take responsibility for the foul-up.
You're right to be angry. Your loser boyfriend is mooching off you. I disagree with the other people here -- you have every right to feel capable of violence, so long as you don't actually do it. That's normal.
Bravo for making him sleep on the floor. He had that coming.
But I agree with the other posters here. Your real problem is you don't respect your BF, and he hasn't given you any reason to respect him.
Throw the bum out, and you'll be much happier.
posted by musofire at 12:50 PM on December 15, 2009 [18 favorites]
The correct response to losing your card should have been immediately buying you a new one. Or, at least, offering. That woud have shown he respects you, and he knows how to take responsibility for the foul-up.
You're right to be angry. Your loser boyfriend is mooching off you. I disagree with the other people here -- you have every right to feel capable of violence, so long as you don't actually do it. That's normal.
Bravo for making him sleep on the floor. He had that coming.
But I agree with the other posters here. Your real problem is you don't respect your BF, and he hasn't given you any reason to respect him.
Throw the bum out, and you'll be much happier.
posted by musofire at 12:50 PM on December 15, 2009 [18 favorites]
I'm basically the bad boyfriend in this scenario. I lose shit, I came home drunk at 6am when unemployed etc... My girlfriend had the same issues with me. She was right to be upset because I wasn't really pulling my weight in the relationship.
She yelled at me a few times and got very upset. And, I won't say that I'm perfect, or that it happened overnight, but it did work. I'm still a person who loses shit and I'm not the most present person, but I did get a better appreciation of what I was doing wrong and what matters to her. I, most importantly, put this appreciation into action.
Now, you should tell him all this stuff and freak out (within reason). What he does with this information is up to him as is what change in behavior you'll accept.
posted by josher71 at 12:52 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
She yelled at me a few times and got very upset. And, I won't say that I'm perfect, or that it happened overnight, but it did work. I'm still a person who loses shit and I'm not the most present person, but I did get a better appreciation of what I was doing wrong and what matters to her. I, most importantly, put this appreciation into action.
Now, you should tell him all this stuff and freak out (within reason). What he does with this information is up to him as is what change in behavior you'll accept.
posted by josher71 at 12:52 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
I have a friend who just broke his Nth cellphone and Xth body part (both are now in double digits) while drunk and being stupid. I have told him that I will never loan him anything and never give him money to cover shit because it's totally up to him to not to stupid shit. So far this is working out fine. I realize it's different when it's your S.O., but putting all the other problems your question reveals aside, just don't give him shit. He's an adult. Being broke/stranded/etc. when it's solely his fault is his problem. Walking isn't going to kill him.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:56 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:56 PM on December 15, 2009
This sounds like a issue of respect. Respect for people and by extension their things is not something everyone has copious amounts of. You say he gets angry when people deny him things and that is in my opinion a key issue. People that feel entitled to things often don't understand that someone else had to earn them in the first place. A person who respects you would see borrowing your things as judgment of trust and realize that the first step in paying you back is accepting the responsibility of returning the item in the same or better condition in which it was lent.
The conversation you need to have with him is one on the topic of respect, not simply his propensity for losing things.
posted by Gainesvillain at 1:01 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
The conversation you need to have with him is one on the topic of respect, not simply his propensity for losing things.
posted by Gainesvillain at 1:01 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
What are you doing with a guy who comes home drunk at 6am?
What are you doing with a guy who loses things so often that you can't trust him with anything?
What are you doing with a guy who has no job, and thus no money, but still parties into the early hours of the morning? You made it clear to us that you know how tight money is. It sure sounds to me like he doesn't know how tight money is. Is he stupid? Or, is he just really immature? Either way, you can do better.
Don't lose your temper.
Lose the boyfriend.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:06 PM on December 15, 2009 [10 favorites]
What are you doing with a guy who loses things so often that you can't trust him with anything?
What are you doing with a guy who has no job, and thus no money, but still parties into the early hours of the morning? You made it clear to us that you know how tight money is. It sure sounds to me like he doesn't know how tight money is. Is he stupid? Or, is he just really immature? Either way, you can do better.
Don't lose your temper.
Lose the boyfriend.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:06 PM on December 15, 2009 [10 favorites]
The way you talk without blowing up is to either suppress your desire to blow up, or wait until it's passed a bit, and then talk.
I don't think that's your actual question, though. Yes, you can and should split up with him if you think he's a loser. No job, grossly irresponsible, and coming home at 6am drunk? Seriously? What advice would you give your best friend in this situation?
(You knew what the answers would be...)
posted by fritley at 1:06 PM on December 15, 2009
I don't think that's your actual question, though. Yes, you can and should split up with him if you think he's a loser. No job, grossly irresponsible, and coming home at 6am drunk? Seriously? What advice would you give your best friend in this situation?
(You knew what the answers would be...)
posted by fritley at 1:06 PM on December 15, 2009
P.S. As others have said - seek therapy for the thoughts of violence. Best of luck to you.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:06 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by 2oh1 at 1:06 PM on December 15, 2009
nadawi...a closer reading of the OP's question would remind you that she wasn't being vicious, or violent or controlling, so no, I don't think she needs to be called out for those things. She was posting asking for advice on how to continue NOT to do those things, she wasn't confessing atrocities, or asking for permission to commit them.
If you constantly are irresponsible with other people's belongings, if you go out spending money you clearly don't have getting drunk until 6 am to the point where your girlfriend is sorry she lent you her card to get your sorry ass to a job interview...then I think there is behavior that needs to be called out here. But it isn't hers. Being held responsible for your own crap actions and having to sleep on the floor hardly puts the poor fella in the victim category here.
Plus, the whole gender reversal angle?...please. It's irrelevant and implies that there are differing standards for accepting/condoning/enabling lousy behavior from men and women. There aren't.
posted by nickjadlowe at 1:08 PM on December 15, 2009 [7 favorites]
If you constantly are irresponsible with other people's belongings, if you go out spending money you clearly don't have getting drunk until 6 am to the point where your girlfriend is sorry she lent you her card to get your sorry ass to a job interview...then I think there is behavior that needs to be called out here. But it isn't hers. Being held responsible for your own crap actions and having to sleep on the floor hardly puts the poor fella in the victim category here.
Plus, the whole gender reversal angle?...please. It's irrelevant and implies that there are differing standards for accepting/condoning/enabling lousy behavior from men and women. There aren't.
posted by nickjadlowe at 1:08 PM on December 15, 2009 [7 favorites]
So he came home and told you he lost the card. Did he act at all apologetic, or was it just "card's lost, too bad"? If he is sorry, realizes he has problem and tries to make things right at least sometimes, then I would try to be supportive but still draw firm lines about your things by calmly explaining that you can't afford to lose it.
If he is not sorry and makes no attempt at replacement, then you don't even owe him an explanation. Just say "No".
posted by soelo at 1:12 PM on December 15, 2009
If he is not sorry and makes no attempt at replacement, then you don't even owe him an explanation. Just say "No".
posted by soelo at 1:12 PM on December 15, 2009
I have to disagree with Digividal. If we assert that all fantasies, thoughts, notions of violence are wrong then we are denying a lot what makes us human. The ability to not act on such thoughts, to identify them and resolve the underlying issues non-violently, is one of the things that sets us apart from non-sentient creatures.
Monkeydraws is upset with good reason and it seems like an issue that spans an extended time period. Frustration is the response of any sane individual. To say that her feelings of anger, leading to her momentary thoughts of physical violence that she refused to act on, is wrong and is in itself abusive.
Monkey, I commend you for rising above such thoughts. I suggest that it isn't keeping such thoughts out of your head that need be worried about, but rather what you do with such thoughts when you have them. You separated yourself from him to give yourself time to cool off which was the adult thing to do.
I will agree with Digividal on the topic of gender bias in the arena of spousal abuse. It is a well documented social phenomena, but as I've said, having a thought and acting on it are two completely independent issues.
posted by Gainesvillain at 1:18 PM on December 15, 2009 [4 favorites]
Monkeydraws is upset with good reason and it seems like an issue that spans an extended time period. Frustration is the response of any sane individual. To say that her feelings of anger, leading to her momentary thoughts of physical violence that she refused to act on, is wrong and is in itself abusive.
Monkey, I commend you for rising above such thoughts. I suggest that it isn't keeping such thoughts out of your head that need be worried about, but rather what you do with such thoughts when you have them. You separated yourself from him to give yourself time to cool off which was the adult thing to do.
I will agree with Digividal on the topic of gender bias in the arena of spousal abuse. It is a well documented social phenomena, but as I've said, having a thought and acting on it are two completely independent issues.
posted by Gainesvillain at 1:18 PM on December 15, 2009 [4 favorites]
My husband lost my t-pass at the beginning of the month a few months ago. I was so freaking livid mad because I lent it to him to get the car he didn't want to drive back the night before from a hospital procedure (for me) for what may have been a good reason (baby got really sick after riding in the new-to-us-car, suspected a leak). But still. When you prepay for a transit pass or other way of getting around and it gets lost, it's a huge problem. When someone else loses it, it's an even bigger problem. In my case I was lucky enough to be able to get a new one through my work benefits program, but I also realize that with most places that this wouldn't have been an option.
So, yeah. I understand the anger over that and do not consider it a small matter in the least.
As for the losing things, it could be related to drinking if he drinks too much. Does he have trouble paying attention or remembering things like dates and times for meeting with people? Is he always late when he does remember them? Is he otherwise completely disorganized? Is he able to pay attention during a conversation, or is he easily distracted? He could have the Predominantly Inattentive form of ADHD, which has no hyperactivity associated with and is just related to attention and focus problems. This form of ADHD is often diagnosed much later than the other two types and can even be overlooked as a general disorganization. But it may just be that he loses things without anything more behind it.
I don't know enough about him, and I'm definitely not making excuses. Just something more about his behavior to ponder in how you may want to approach the conversation about respect for items belonging to someone else.
As for how to approach him, I think you need to do so from a firm but clear standpoint, and yes, you can lay responsibility on him! "You lost my pass. Losing my pass caused me the following inconveniences [list a few clearly]. If this were a one time matter, I'd be upset, but not this upset. This is a regular pattern in your behavior. It is unacceptable, inexcusable, and needs to change --- and not just for me, but for you as well." or something along those lines. Be direct!
posted by zizzle at 1:18 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
So, yeah. I understand the anger over that and do not consider it a small matter in the least.
As for the losing things, it could be related to drinking if he drinks too much. Does he have trouble paying attention or remembering things like dates and times for meeting with people? Is he always late when he does remember them? Is he otherwise completely disorganized? Is he able to pay attention during a conversation, or is he easily distracted? He could have the Predominantly Inattentive form of ADHD, which has no hyperactivity associated with and is just related to attention and focus problems. This form of ADHD is often diagnosed much later than the other two types and can even be overlooked as a general disorganization. But it may just be that he loses things without anything more behind it.
I don't know enough about him, and I'm definitely not making excuses. Just something more about his behavior to ponder in how you may want to approach the conversation about respect for items belonging to someone else.
As for how to approach him, I think you need to do so from a firm but clear standpoint, and yes, you can lay responsibility on him! "You lost my pass. Losing my pass caused me the following inconveniences [list a few clearly]. If this were a one time matter, I'd be upset, but not this upset. This is a regular pattern in your behavior. It is unacceptable, inexcusable, and needs to change --- and not just for me, but for you as well." or something along those lines. Be direct!
posted by zizzle at 1:18 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Gainesvillain: I did preface my statements with "violence towards loved one".
At least for me, having fantasies of violence towards those nearest to me,
is very alien.
I agree that there is a big difference between thinking about it, craving it
and doing it.
To me though, it seems like the poster has taken the first step, in punishing the boyfriend by making him sleep on the floor. Once abusive behavior has begun it becomes very easy to justify the next step, and then the next one.
posted by digividal at 1:23 PM on December 15, 2009
At least for me, having fantasies of violence towards those nearest to me,
is very alien.
I agree that there is a big difference between thinking about it, craving it
and doing it.
To me though, it seems like the poster has taken the first step, in punishing the boyfriend by making him sleep on the floor. Once abusive behavior has begun it becomes very easy to justify the next step, and then the next one.
posted by digividal at 1:23 PM on December 15, 2009
You lent him your card as a display of trust while knowing that he, as you put it, has a tendency to 'lose shit'? Maybe he's kidding himself in some manner, but you're sure kidding yourself. What you're doing here is collecting prophecy confirmation material, family of Trap Digging. Stop that.
Don't lend him your card, and tell him why. Let him be offended, can't be the end of the world. Don't let him sleep on the floor or do any other passive-aggressive stuff. If you can't bear his ways, if his behavior hinders you living a livable life, say so. If he can't see your point; if he doesn't want himself to be tested for concentration issues (what zizzie suggests) or whatnot else; if you keep not being able to bear it: walk out.
posted by Namlit at 1:23 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Don't lend him your card, and tell him why. Let him be offended, can't be the end of the world. Don't let him sleep on the floor or do any other passive-aggressive stuff. If you can't bear his ways, if his behavior hinders you living a livable life, say so. If he can't see your point; if he doesn't want himself to be tested for concentration issues (what zizzie suggests) or whatnot else; if you keep not being able to bear it: walk out.
posted by Namlit at 1:23 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you're admitting to ideas of violence - which you didn't act on, and that isn't really the issue (nor all that uncommon - ideas - not actions). Maybe it was meant to clue the reader to the degree of your frustration.
I don't know. What I do get is that people can be careless this way (employed or not) and it's ongoing. I don't even think this is a product of too much drinking per se.
It's passive-aggressive (though I am not a doctor) and that's tough to deal with.
A roomate of mine was like this.
When I stopped helping her locate everything, and stopped loaning her any of my things (after I told her I wasn't going to help her anymore) she pulled it together. At least while she lived with me.
posted by marimeko at 1:24 PM on December 15, 2009
I don't know. What I do get is that people can be careless this way (employed or not) and it's ongoing. I don't even think this is a product of too much drinking per se.
It's passive-aggressive (though I am not a doctor) and that's tough to deal with.
A roomate of mine was like this.
When I stopped helping her locate everything, and stopped loaning her any of my things (after I told her I wasn't going to help her anymore) she pulled it together. At least while she lived with me.
posted by marimeko at 1:24 PM on December 15, 2009
seek therapy for the thoughts of violence.
For crying out loud. Getting really pissed off at someone and feeling "capable of violence" is not the same as acting violent and it does not mean that the OP is an abuser who needs therapy. If it did, every parent would be hauled off for child abuse.
It may mean that it's time to ditch the boyfriend, but presumably he has some redeeming qualities (although, come on---coming home drunk at 6 AM? I'd be tempted to kick him out of bed just for that.)
posted by leahwrenn at 1:24 PM on December 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
For crying out loud. Getting really pissed off at someone and feeling "capable of violence" is not the same as acting violent and it does not mean that the OP is an abuser who needs therapy. If it did, every parent would be hauled off for child abuse.
It may mean that it's time to ditch the boyfriend, but presumably he has some redeeming qualities (although, come on---coming home drunk at 6 AM? I'd be tempted to kick him out of bed just for that.)
posted by leahwrenn at 1:24 PM on December 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
The best way to deal with your anger is to not be with people who make you that angry. It can be really dangerous to be that frustrated and humiliated and used; people can lose control of that kind of anger. It also tends to boil down into self-loathing. You need to take care of yourself.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:26 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 1:26 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
This feels like an endless loop in loserdom.
He's going to stay in that loop--it doesn't hurt him enough to make him want to stop.
This doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Between his carelessness with your belongings and your growing resentment of his behavior, do you have a compelling reason not to just move on?
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:27 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
He's going to stay in that loop--it doesn't hurt him enough to make him want to stop.
This doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Between his carelessness with your belongings and your growing resentment of his behavior, do you have a compelling reason not to just move on?
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:27 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Put me in the camp that says that fantasizing about violence is a perfectly healthy internal response to persistent, habitual thoughtlessness. Actually perpetrating violence - which, to my way of thinking, includes shouting and verbal abuse: not OK at all.
If the only way your partner is ever going to understand that his irresponsible behaviour is unacceptable is for you to beat him over the head, either physically or verbally, he's not worth wasting any more of your life on. Go find somebody who can think.
That said: setting yourself up for upset by lending this fool your transit card was unwise. Don't do that again.
posted by flabdablet at 1:39 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
If the only way your partner is ever going to understand that his irresponsible behaviour is unacceptable is for you to beat him over the head, either physically or verbally, he's not worth wasting any more of your life on. Go find somebody who can think.
That said: setting yourself up for upset by lending this fool your transit card was unwise. Don't do that again.
posted by flabdablet at 1:39 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
Show some self-respect and get the fuck out.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:39 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:39 PM on December 15, 2009
Stop loaning him things and stop buying him anything at all. And insist that he pays you back for the metrocard. If nothing else, that was a real kick in the teeth.
As far as making him sleep on the floor...well, maybe not your most shining moment but I would have been sorely tempted too. Why should you have to sleep on the floor just because he's being an ass? No way.
You probably already know this but he sounds like a loser, and I'm not just saying that because he loses your things or is broke and unemployed and apparently drinking your money away. Wait, yes I am.
Find someone who respects you and, by proxy, your things and money.
posted by balls at 1:42 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
As far as making him sleep on the floor...well, maybe not your most shining moment but I would have been sorely tempted too. Why should you have to sleep on the floor just because he's being an ass? No way.
You probably already know this but he sounds like a loser, and I'm not just saying that because he loses your things or is broke and unemployed and apparently drinking your money away. Wait, yes I am.
Find someone who respects you and, by proxy, your things and money.
posted by balls at 1:42 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, yeah: immediate practical measures. I agree with total lockdown. He gets lent nothing, and bought nothing. He also gets, at some point when you've calmed down enough to give it to him absolutely straight with no danger of violent escalation, The Talk: "OK, buddy, here's how it is. I'm not going to hang about and watch you piss your life up against a wall. If you don't start taking responsibility for keeping your shit together, I will leave you."
And then be totally prepared to follow through.
Put this on high rotation, for bonus passive-aggressive points :-)
posted by flabdablet at 1:49 PM on December 15, 2009
And then be totally prepared to follow through.
Put this on high rotation, for bonus passive-aggressive points :-)
posted by flabdablet at 1:49 PM on December 15, 2009
To be clear...violence against a partner is never ok as nadawi and others point out. I would have reacted differently if it seemed like the OP was trying to justify violence in any way. But she wasn't. When you are in a relationship with someone as disrespectful as the boyfriend in this post seems to be, it seems appropriate that you set boundaries and find alternate ways of dealing with the issue. Which is what the OP was doing.
When you live with someone, you can't always leave in the middle of the night (or 6am) in reaction to your partner's poor behavior. I think it's reasonable to affect the same outcome by telling him to sleep in the other room. Yes, it's kind of sitcom-y, but I think she was doing exactly what you suggested in removing herself from the situation as best she could.
I liked your initial advice, which is why your subsequent comments directed at me surprise me. I'm not condoning violence, or minimizing threat. But I do think some of the comments have a definite "blame the victim" slant to them. This may be interesting for argument sake, but ultimately do more harm than good. Anyone who is self-contemplative enough to asses her own feelings and then double check those feelings by posting non-anonymously to a large advice/Q & A forum is not someone who appears to be off the deep end. If anything, it seems like she might, ultimately, be looking for support in a bad relationship that is becoming uncomfortable and mildly abusive (if he is losing her property, wasting their already stretched finances). In such cases, a blame-the-victim line of conversation is, while perhaps thought-provoking, probably less than helpful.
It's just my opinion. I'll bow out now. (and welcome further conversation by email please.)
posted by nickjadlowe at 1:49 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
When you live with someone, you can't always leave in the middle of the night (or 6am) in reaction to your partner's poor behavior. I think it's reasonable to affect the same outcome by telling him to sleep in the other room. Yes, it's kind of sitcom-y, but I think she was doing exactly what you suggested in removing herself from the situation as best she could.
I liked your initial advice, which is why your subsequent comments directed at me surprise me. I'm not condoning violence, or minimizing threat. But I do think some of the comments have a definite "blame the victim" slant to them. This may be interesting for argument sake, but ultimately do more harm than good. Anyone who is self-contemplative enough to asses her own feelings and then double check those feelings by posting non-anonymously to a large advice/Q & A forum is not someone who appears to be off the deep end. If anything, it seems like she might, ultimately, be looking for support in a bad relationship that is becoming uncomfortable and mildly abusive (if he is losing her property, wasting their already stretched finances). In such cases, a blame-the-victim line of conversation is, while perhaps thought-provoking, probably less than helpful.
It's just my opinion. I'll bow out now. (and welcome further conversation by email please.)
posted by nickjadlowe at 1:49 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
I agree with desjardins and musofire above.
Despite his tendency to lose things, he still likes to borrow stuff from other people. And becomes offended when he gets refused.
This is a key issue for you (besides the general "loser" thing people mention above). He seems not to value possessions, even other people's. Sit the boy down. Explain to him how important things are to you, and to most people. Tell him that he shows people incredible disrespect by losing their stuff. We don't know his background, but most people really value the things they worked to buy. People value the hassle they went to go buy the damn thing.
It's a talk you'd have with a child, and he may very well feel insulted by it. But he clearly never learned and is not learning a lesson here. Apologizing doesn't mean anything if the problem is chronic and he's making no efforts to solve it. If he's got a ADHD-like problem, then he needs to learn to be self-sufficient and minimize his burden on other people.
You're completely right to be pissed. You're right to be frustrated if there seems to be no solution. This is something that he needs to work through, and he clearly isn't understanding that everyone else considers it a problem. I'm an advocate for open conflict in this case, followed by some assurance that you otherwise still love the guy.
Also -- making him sleep on the floor is mean and uncalled for? Please. He can make sleep in bed while the OP's at work. Thoughts of violence aren't okay? Why the hell did the OP ask the question? Oh right, to deal with a frustrating situation where no non-violent solution seems available. Goddam, I'm thinking of smacking someone upside the head reading responses here.
posted by FuManchu at 1:51 PM on December 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
Despite his tendency to lose things, he still likes to borrow stuff from other people. And becomes offended when he gets refused.
This is a key issue for you (besides the general "loser" thing people mention above). He seems not to value possessions, even other people's. Sit the boy down. Explain to him how important things are to you, and to most people. Tell him that he shows people incredible disrespect by losing their stuff. We don't know his background, but most people really value the things they worked to buy. People value the hassle they went to go buy the damn thing.
It's a talk you'd have with a child, and he may very well feel insulted by it. But he clearly never learned and is not learning a lesson here. Apologizing doesn't mean anything if the problem is chronic and he's making no efforts to solve it. If he's got a ADHD-like problem, then he needs to learn to be self-sufficient and minimize his burden on other people.
You're completely right to be pissed. You're right to be frustrated if there seems to be no solution. This is something that he needs to work through, and he clearly isn't understanding that everyone else considers it a problem. I'm an advocate for open conflict in this case, followed by some assurance that you otherwise still love the guy.
Also -- making him sleep on the floor is mean and uncalled for? Please. He can make sleep in bed while the OP's at work. Thoughts of violence aren't okay? Why the hell did the OP ask the question? Oh right, to deal with a frustrating situation where no non-violent solution seems available. Goddam, I'm thinking of smacking someone upside the head reading responses here.
posted by FuManchu at 1:51 PM on December 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
Maybe you can get away with this kind of crap when you're 16.
Maybe.
posted by flabdablet at 1:53 PM on December 15, 2009
Maybe.
posted by flabdablet at 1:53 PM on December 15, 2009
In a small apartment, no couches, with a drunk smelly person who was out all night AND lost your valuables.... yes, this person is not allowed to share a bed with me. Sorry, folks - Monkeydraws did OK here.
Nadawi is right about one thing, and I heartily nth it: "it's my experience that once resentment grows this large, there's no deflating it. do yourself both a favor and find someone more organized and thoughtful."
zizzle makes a good point about possible underlying causes, as does anyone else saying the frequent loss of items might be alcohol related (even when sober, copious drinking impairs memory.) However, THIS IS NO EXCUSE. If you are old enough to be romantically involved and living together, you are old enough to take responsibility for your behavior and rectify problems, whatever the cause.
Monkeydraws, the issue here is that you've partnered up with someone who isn't participating in full partnership with you. Additionally, you are out of your depth a bit because you don't know what to do when he fucks up and acts childish. I bet this was not what you signed on for when you decided to live together with him, now is it?
You will know better than us if talking things out with your bf will be effective, or if that will just buy you a respite until the pattern starts up again, but I caution you with this...
You are both on your own path. If you stick it out, you risk making his path your path. What I mean is, if you can not develop a sense of equanimity when dealing with his fuck-ups, get out of his path/pattern ASAP.
I suspect he's always had someone looking after him, fixing his mistakes, nagging him, engaging in drama. If you're not like this in your own life, and this is new to you (or even if it isn't, but you don't like being triggered all of the time) GET OUT. It's OK. He'll land on his feet, and if you end this cycle you're in with him, you have a chance of not repeating this escapade in the future with someone else.
Life's too short not to be enjoyed.
posted by jbenben at 1:55 PM on December 15, 2009
Nadawi is right about one thing, and I heartily nth it: "it's my experience that once resentment grows this large, there's no deflating it. do yourself both a favor and find someone more organized and thoughtful."
zizzle makes a good point about possible underlying causes, as does anyone else saying the frequent loss of items might be alcohol related (even when sober, copious drinking impairs memory.) However, THIS IS NO EXCUSE. If you are old enough to be romantically involved and living together, you are old enough to take responsibility for your behavior and rectify problems, whatever the cause.
Monkeydraws, the issue here is that you've partnered up with someone who isn't participating in full partnership with you. Additionally, you are out of your depth a bit because you don't know what to do when he fucks up and acts childish. I bet this was not what you signed on for when you decided to live together with him, now is it?
You will know better than us if talking things out with your bf will be effective, or if that will just buy you a respite until the pattern starts up again, but I caution you with this...
You are both on your own path. If you stick it out, you risk making his path your path. What I mean is, if you can not develop a sense of equanimity when dealing with his fuck-ups, get out of his path/pattern ASAP.
I suspect he's always had someone looking after him, fixing his mistakes, nagging him, engaging in drama. If you're not like this in your own life, and this is new to you (or even if it isn't, but you don't like being triggered all of the time) GET OUT. It's OK. He'll land on his feet, and if you end this cycle you're in with him, you have a chance of not repeating this escapade in the future with someone else.
Life's too short not to be enjoyed.
posted by jbenben at 1:55 PM on December 15, 2009
Mod note: few comments and response comments removed - snarking about other people's situations is crappy, don't do that here. also unless the "gender reversal" comments add something to the thread, they aren't helping. MetaTalk is certainly your option.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:57 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:57 PM on December 15, 2009
Mod note: question is "how do I deal with my anger?" - please stay out of sidebar conversatoons about the nature of love/relationships, thanks. If you're unclear on how AskMe works, email a mod or go to metatalk.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:29 PM on December 15, 2009
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:29 PM on December 15, 2009
A great way to deal with anger is meditation. Or you could take up a hobby or sport. I had a friend who hit a "home run" against anger by playing baseball whenever he was angry. Good luck dealing with your anger.
posted by Damn That Television at 2:48 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Damn That Television at 2:48 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
You can express anger at him without blowing up. Just say "I am very, very angry at you and I think that we are going to have a serious problem with this relationship if things do not change." No need to yell. The best way to deal with your anger is to express it without blowing up at him. It can be done.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:50 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 2:50 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
You are in a relationship with a person who looses things.
He has been doing it for a long time according to your statement.
Perhaps it has increased if he is drunk more but, but the problem
has been there.
The number one reason for ending up with the wrong guy in a relationship
is: "You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change"
(http://www.aish.com/d/w/48955756.html)
Why do you expect this trait in his personality to go away?
Presumably what makes you angry is that he does it over and over again.
You yell at him, and he does it again.
You either need to accept his trait in him, or you need to admit
you cannot be in a relationship with him anymore.
Nobody is forcing you to stay in the relationship.
If it is no good for you, then get out of the relationship and find an organized
person to be with, who will not require change.
You deal with your anger by either accepting, or leaving.
You cannot deal with your anger by changing another person.
posted by digividal at 2:54 PM on December 15, 2009
He has been doing it for a long time according to your statement.
Perhaps it has increased if he is drunk more but, but the problem
has been there.
The number one reason for ending up with the wrong guy in a relationship
is: "You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change"
(http://www.aish.com/d/w/48955756.html)
Why do you expect this trait in his personality to go away?
Presumably what makes you angry is that he does it over and over again.
You yell at him, and he does it again.
You either need to accept his trait in him, or you need to admit
you cannot be in a relationship with him anymore.
Nobody is forcing you to stay in the relationship.
If it is no good for you, then get out of the relationship and find an organized
person to be with, who will not require change.
You deal with your anger by either accepting, or leaving.
You cannot deal with your anger by changing another person.
posted by digividal at 2:54 PM on December 15, 2009
I think you made your decision to leave him and you found the reason for it.
Good luck
posted by neworder7 at 3:48 PM on December 15, 2009
Good luck
posted by neworder7 at 3:48 PM on December 15, 2009
The best way to deal with your anger is to express it without blowing up at him. It can be done.
And the way to get that done is to feel it when you feel it, and give yourself full permission to feel it, and remind yourself that anger is fine and often perfectly justified and absolutely not something to get all hung up and guilty about, and remember how that feels so that once you've calmed down again to the point where you can express yourself clearly you can articulate what went on in your head and negotiate for change.
And if during the course of that conversation you find the anger rising all over again, you terminate the discussion right there and then and go for a walk so as not to get sucked into an unproductive yelling match; and when you've calmed down again, you come back for another crack at it.
posted by flabdablet at 3:49 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
And the way to get that done is to feel it when you feel it, and give yourself full permission to feel it, and remind yourself that anger is fine and often perfectly justified and absolutely not something to get all hung up and guilty about, and remember how that feels so that once you've calmed down again to the point where you can express yourself clearly you can articulate what went on in your head and negotiate for change.
And if during the course of that conversation you find the anger rising all over again, you terminate the discussion right there and then and go for a walk so as not to get sucked into an unproductive yelling match; and when you've calmed down again, you come back for another crack at it.
posted by flabdablet at 3:49 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm someone who has a tendency to lose stuff, I'm also very forgetful on occasion (like forgetting to turn up for dates, heck I once moved house and promptly forgot where I lived) and I'd be lying if I said it had never affected my relationships. There are, however, underlying reasons why I am like this and I can't do anything to change this, only how I cope with it.
I mention this because maybe your boyfriend is like me and getting frustrated with his tendency to lose stuff is to put yourself on a hiding to nothing.
There is a big but to this situation though: there is not being able to change something about yourself and then there is dealing with that fact responsibly.
When I was dating and things got a little serious it would always be time for the talk, the one that went like this:
"I lose things, I forget things, and while I wish it wasn't this way there are real (physiological) reasons why things are this way and they are not going to change. I'm telling you this so you have a chance to back out now and because this will happen. And while I will understand if you feel frustrated you also have to know it won't be about you, or the way I feel or think about you, its the way things will be and we have to learn how to deal with it. If you do decide to stick around here are some of the things you can do to help and here are some of things you can expect in return".
No one ever broke it off there and then, though it did contribute to breakups in the long term. And while I do expect to be held accountable for the things I can control, I'm not going to feel responsible for people's feelings about the things I can't as long, as I have done my part and been honest and upfront about them.
So leaving aside the other issues and concentrating on the forgetting which seems to be a trigger for you here, I think it would be very helpful for you to try and separate out your feelings about his losing things (which he may or may not be able to control) from how he deals and takes responsibility for this. Because the latter is something he can control.
Speaking from personal experience I know its always not very easy , especially if it is something you don't have much control over. I learned to do so, however, because I realised it is necessary in relationships — I was also lucky enough to have supportive partners who were willing to work through this with me, including calling me on shit if necessary, while remaining sympathetic. (I'm still not always great about this, as my wife notes I have a tendency to 'panic first, figure it out later' when I lose stuff).
In the end he has to learn to deal and take responsibility with things, whatever it takes, and if he is not prepared to he is not ready to be in a relationship and I think you know what to do in that situation.
posted by tallus at 3:52 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
I mention this because maybe your boyfriend is like me and getting frustrated with his tendency to lose stuff is to put yourself on a hiding to nothing.
There is a big but to this situation though: there is not being able to change something about yourself and then there is dealing with that fact responsibly.
When I was dating and things got a little serious it would always be time for the talk, the one that went like this:
"I lose things, I forget things, and while I wish it wasn't this way there are real (physiological) reasons why things are this way and they are not going to change. I'm telling you this so you have a chance to back out now and because this will happen. And while I will understand if you feel frustrated you also have to know it won't be about you, or the way I feel or think about you, its the way things will be and we have to learn how to deal with it. If you do decide to stick around here are some of the things you can do to help and here are some of things you can expect in return".
No one ever broke it off there and then, though it did contribute to breakups in the long term. And while I do expect to be held accountable for the things I can control, I'm not going to feel responsible for people's feelings about the things I can't as long, as I have done my part and been honest and upfront about them.
So leaving aside the other issues and concentrating on the forgetting which seems to be a trigger for you here, I think it would be very helpful for you to try and separate out your feelings about his losing things (which he may or may not be able to control) from how he deals and takes responsibility for this. Because the latter is something he can control.
Speaking from personal experience I know its always not very easy , especially if it is something you don't have much control over. I learned to do so, however, because I realised it is necessary in relationships — I was also lucky enough to have supportive partners who were willing to work through this with me, including calling me on shit if necessary, while remaining sympathetic. (I'm still not always great about this, as my wife notes I have a tendency to 'panic first, figure it out later' when I lose stuff).
In the end he has to learn to deal and take responsibility with things, whatever it takes, and if he is not prepared to he is not ready to be in a relationship and I think you know what to do in that situation.
posted by tallus at 3:52 PM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]
In the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay", the author mentions 3 aspects of a relationship: the good stuff, the stuff you don't like, but can accept, and the dealbreakers.
Lack of responsibility for himself (and hence to you), and getting angry at you for bringing up this problem, are pretty firmly in the dealbreakers column, IMHO.
Once you've lost someone's trust, you've lost them.
Good luck. But just make a decision and stick to it.
posted by flutable at 5:59 PM on December 15, 2009
Lack of responsibility for himself (and hence to you), and getting angry at you for bringing up this problem, are pretty firmly in the dealbreakers column, IMHO.
Once you've lost someone's trust, you've lost them.
Good luck. But just make a decision and stick to it.
posted by flutable at 5:59 PM on December 15, 2009
The rule of the couch is, if you've gotta go there, if you really, really cannot work it out before bedtime, the person with the grievance sleeps on the couch. Not the person who aggrieved them.
No.
Just no. The rule that trumps that is the rule in re: coming home drunk at 6 a.m. And that rule is that when you come home drunk at 6 a.m. you don't get to get in bed with the non-drunk person who is trying to sleep there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:55 PM on December 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
No.
Just no. The rule that trumps that is the rule in re: coming home drunk at 6 a.m. And that rule is that when you come home drunk at 6 a.m. you don't get to get in bed with the non-drunk person who is trying to sleep there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:55 PM on December 15, 2009 [8 favorites]
I had that boyfriend. He didn't change. I left, and my life got a million times better. I didn't have to support someone else anymore. I wasn't grinding my teeth in resentment anymore. I could come home to a clean and happy house and have enough money to go out for dinner.
When you're calmer, you need to talk very clearly to him. But before you talk, you might answer this for yourself: What would your life be like without him? Imagine a boyfriend-free day as vividly as you can. Hold that picture in your head while you talk to him, because it will both help you stay calm and help you be clear that you're deadly serious.
posted by PatoPata at 9:48 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
When you're calmer, you need to talk very clearly to him. But before you talk, you might answer this for yourself: What would your life be like without him? Imagine a boyfriend-free day as vividly as you can. Hold that picture in your head while you talk to him, because it will both help you stay calm and help you be clear that you're deadly serious.
posted by PatoPata at 9:48 PM on December 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers. When I got home yesterday I let him know that I was angry and disappointed. I was very calm and do the point. He was very apologetic. Everyone who said that it wasn't just the metrocard was right. We have been together a long time and it just feels like a waste. I told him that I wanted to break up, that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He doesn't seem to get it though and I realize that I will have to pack up and leave. This relationship has been draining me and I am not sure why I am still in it. I am more afraid of what it says about me than anything else.
Thank you again.
posted by mokeydraws at 4:54 PM on December 16, 2009
Thank you again.
posted by mokeydraws at 4:54 PM on December 16, 2009
Go you mokeydraws.
I know it can be so hard to get out of a relationship, *especially* when it's draining you. Every little step you're making is so courageous.
You'll also probably find you have a lot more energy for life when you aren't having to deal with his problems as well as your own.
*hugs*
P.S. I lose shit. ALL THE TIME.
I have my wallet chained to my bag. I have a 'spare wallet' at home with spare keys, spare eftpos cards (my bank lets me get 2 at a time), spare ID and a little cash, for when I lose stuff. I never get a freaking bus card, because I was losing more money when I lost them, so I just use cash. I usually have two cellphones and ring the cellphone company to change my number over to my *other* crap-ass phone when I lose one. I 'invested' US$50 in some little tag things that I attach to wallet, bag, phone, and one just in my room, which when I press a button on one, it makes the others beep.
And you know what? I DON'T BORROW PEOPLE'S THINGS.
Because it's not about him losing things, and some personality trait he maybe can't change (I mean, I have that 'trait' too), it's the fact he doesn't seem to care or try and come up with workarounds so that him losing shit doesn't affect other people. Meh.
Sidetrack.
Good luck.
posted by Elysum at 10:09 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I know it can be so hard to get out of a relationship, *especially* when it's draining you. Every little step you're making is so courageous.
You'll also probably find you have a lot more energy for life when you aren't having to deal with his problems as well as your own.
*hugs*
P.S. I lose shit. ALL THE TIME.
I have my wallet chained to my bag. I have a 'spare wallet' at home with spare keys, spare eftpos cards (my bank lets me get 2 at a time), spare ID and a little cash, for when I lose stuff. I never get a freaking bus card, because I was losing more money when I lost them, so I just use cash. I usually have two cellphones and ring the cellphone company to change my number over to my *other* crap-ass phone when I lose one. I 'invested' US$50 in some little tag things that I attach to wallet, bag, phone, and one just in my room, which when I press a button on one, it makes the others beep.
And you know what? I DON'T BORROW PEOPLE'S THINGS.
Because it's not about him losing things, and some personality trait he maybe can't change (I mean, I have that 'trait' too), it's the fact he doesn't seem to care or try and come up with workarounds so that him losing shit doesn't affect other people. Meh.
Sidetrack.
Good luck.
posted by Elysum at 10:09 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am more afraid of what it says about me than anything else.
It says you believed the best about another person. That's all. People have done far worse with their lives, you know. You're doing what you need to do now and that's what counts.
posted by desjardins at 6:25 AM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
It says you believed the best about another person. That's all. People have done far worse with their lives, you know. You're doing what you need to do now and that's what counts.
posted by desjardins at 6:25 AM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by craven_morhead at 12:30 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]