She's falling off the wagon. What now?
December 2, 2009 12:49 PM Subscribe
I fear my sister is falling off the wagon in her ongoing struggle with alcoholism. Is there anything I can do to stop this slide? Challenge: 500 miles away.
My sister is in her late 20's and, since college, has struggled with alcoholism, including but not limited to frequent blackouts and run-ins with the law following binges. We (the family) thought she had hit rock bottom this summer, when, at the end of a binge, she got into a car accident and was not sure whether she had been sexually assaulted. She said she wanted help then, promised she would stop drinking, and started going to AA meetings.
When drinking, she seems to exhibit what I understand to be the fairly common (alcoholic) tendency that she can never "just have one". That one leads to many, which leads to blacking out.
Today, her boyfriend posted to his Facebook page pictures of my sister a few weeks ago. In one picture (clearly from the big game a week-and-a-half ago), she is holding a can of beer. In another, she looks quite flushed.
I spoke to our mother earlier, and learned that my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her" and "have different kinds of problems". My sister also has apparently offered that in social situations, she feels awkward saying no to her friends when they keep on offering her a drink, so she says she accepts the drink and just holds it. In previous years, she's lied so much about her drinking that I just don't find this explanation to be credible.
What can I do to support my sister? My particular challenge is that I'm over 500 miles away from her (we work in different cities).
My sister is in her late 20's and, since college, has struggled with alcoholism, including but not limited to frequent blackouts and run-ins with the law following binges. We (the family) thought she had hit rock bottom this summer, when, at the end of a binge, she got into a car accident and was not sure whether she had been sexually assaulted. She said she wanted help then, promised she would stop drinking, and started going to AA meetings.
When drinking, she seems to exhibit what I understand to be the fairly common (alcoholic) tendency that she can never "just have one". That one leads to many, which leads to blacking out.
Today, her boyfriend posted to his Facebook page pictures of my sister a few weeks ago. In one picture (clearly from the big game a week-and-a-half ago), she is holding a can of beer. In another, she looks quite flushed.
I spoke to our mother earlier, and learned that my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her" and "have different kinds of problems". My sister also has apparently offered that in social situations, she feels awkward saying no to her friends when they keep on offering her a drink, so she says she accepts the drink and just holds it. In previous years, she's lied so much about her drinking that I just don't find this explanation to be credible.
What can I do to support my sister? My particular challenge is that I'm over 500 miles away from her (we work in different cities).
I'd recommend helping to arrange an intervention with people who are closer, to put her into inpatient treatment with a reputable agency or organization.
The question doesn't even establish conclusively that the sister is drinking. Also, an inpatient facility is an extremely high level of care appropriate really for someone who is in need of a medically monitored detox. An outpatient program would be a more appropriate level of care for someone who wants substance abuse treatment but does not fit that criteria.
posted by The Straightener at 1:05 PM on December 2, 2009
The question doesn't even establish conclusively that the sister is drinking. Also, an inpatient facility is an extremely high level of care appropriate really for someone who is in need of a medically monitored detox. An outpatient program would be a more appropriate level of care for someone who wants substance abuse treatment but does not fit that criteria.
posted by The Straightener at 1:05 PM on December 2, 2009
I'm sorry. I have alcoholics in my life and I know it is very, very difficult to see someone you love going down this path. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to "help" an alcoholic stop drinking unless they are ready to, and it sounds like your sister is not quite there yet.
Al-Anon meetings can help you.
posted by something something at 1:07 PM on December 2, 2009 [4 favorites]
Al-Anon meetings can help you.
posted by something something at 1:07 PM on December 2, 2009 [4 favorites]
I spoke to our mother earlier, and learned that my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her" and "have different kinds of problems".
As a former twelve-stepper myself, I need to let you know that, if you want your sister to take you seriously, you need to remove those quotation marks.
This is not going to be a popular suggestion, but I mean it sincerely.
Leave her alone.
You are not there, and you don't know exactly what's going on. Judging her from 300 miles away is not going to help. Showing up from 300 miles away for an "intervention" (quotes deliberate) is just going to piss her off.
As her sister, the one thing you can do from 300 miles away is give some thought to what the issues are that she might be coping with by drinking, and show support with those. It's possible to do that through email, phone calls, and even visits, without being confrontational, condescending, and presumptuous.
It's also possible that she's not drinking, and it's also possible that she's drinking, but she 's not blacking out and hurting herself. She is a free-thinking person with her own choices and priorities, and validating her as such is one of the most supportive things that you can possibly do.
posted by bingo at 1:11 PM on December 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
As a former twelve-stepper myself, I need to let you know that, if you want your sister to take you seriously, you need to remove those quotation marks.
This is not going to be a popular suggestion, but I mean it sincerely.
Leave her alone.
You are not there, and you don't know exactly what's going on. Judging her from 300 miles away is not going to help. Showing up from 300 miles away for an "intervention" (quotes deliberate) is just going to piss her off.
As her sister, the one thing you can do from 300 miles away is give some thought to what the issues are that she might be coping with by drinking, and show support with those. It's possible to do that through email, phone calls, and even visits, without being confrontational, condescending, and presumptuous.
It's also possible that she's not drinking, and it's also possible that she's drinking, but she 's not blacking out and hurting herself. She is a free-thinking person with her own choices and priorities, and validating her as such is one of the most supportive things that you can possibly do.
posted by bingo at 1:11 PM on December 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Whoa, slow down there bearwife, no need to scare the hell out of the OP. Alcoholism is dangerous, but it ain't always deadly. Please, anonymous, don't completely lose your head over this.
I face similar problems with two of my siblings. I too live far away and they face addiction issues. Interventions are generally last ditch measures, and sadly, do not appear to be terribly effective. I wish I had a cite handy, but recidivism rates are awfully high.
I wish it weren't true, but it is: people won't get clean until they decide to get clean. They have to decide to cut ties with people who do not desire to help them get and stay clean. That can be so incredibly tough for loved ones to watch, but other than express to her, "Hey, sister, I know what you are doing, and I hate to see it happening, because I love you so much, and you know you have a problem". What I have found to work best (and makes me feel better), is to recommend drug and alcohol treatment forums and websites in their area. Maybe ask her if she has been talking regularly to her sponsor?
Good luck, I really feel you, I could have written this question myself.
On preview: something something is right about Al-Anon. It helps tremendously
posted by msali at 1:11 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I face similar problems with two of my siblings. I too live far away and they face addiction issues. Interventions are generally last ditch measures, and sadly, do not appear to be terribly effective. I wish I had a cite handy, but recidivism rates are awfully high.
I wish it weren't true, but it is: people won't get clean until they decide to get clean. They have to decide to cut ties with people who do not desire to help them get and stay clean. That can be so incredibly tough for loved ones to watch, but other than express to her, "Hey, sister, I know what you are doing, and I hate to see it happening, because I love you so much, and you know you have a problem". What I have found to work best (and makes me feel better), is to recommend drug and alcohol treatment forums and websites in their area. Maybe ask her if she has been talking regularly to her sponsor?
Good luck, I really feel you, I could have written this question myself.
On preview: something something is right about Al-Anon. It helps tremendously
posted by msali at 1:11 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her"
She's right on this one -- many of them are clean and sober
and "have different kinds of problems"
Yah, they aren't blacking out, puking on their shoes, waking up in strangers beds, etc and etc
I don't have any experience with interventions, though I did have to do that with a mentally ill sister; it was that or watch her die. But with mental illness, you can get help from the state, should you jump through fourteen thousand, six hundred and forty-two hoops, all the while holding your mouth just so. With alcoholism, the only part of the state you'll likely see is who you've already begun to see -- cops. Hopefully, you'll hear from others responding to this post about interventions; bearwife started it off well.
12 step lore is that you are powerless over alcohol. Not just your own alcoholism, should you be alcoholic, but your loved ones alcoholism, should they be alcoholic. My understanding is that there is a lot of good to be found in AlAnon, the 12 step program aimed at supporting family and friends of people who suffer from alcoholism; fact is, it isn't just the alcoholic who suffers from alcoholism, and that is a fact.
Peace on the journey, whichever direction or directions you decide to take.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:20 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
She's right on this one -- many of them are clean and sober
and "have different kinds of problems"
Yah, they aren't blacking out, puking on their shoes, waking up in strangers beds, etc and etc
I don't have any experience with interventions, though I did have to do that with a mentally ill sister; it was that or watch her die. But with mental illness, you can get help from the state, should you jump through fourteen thousand, six hundred and forty-two hoops, all the while holding your mouth just so. With alcoholism, the only part of the state you'll likely see is who you've already begun to see -- cops. Hopefully, you'll hear from others responding to this post about interventions; bearwife started it off well.
12 step lore is that you are powerless over alcohol. Not just your own alcoholism, should you be alcoholic, but your loved ones alcoholism, should they be alcoholic. My understanding is that there is a lot of good to be found in AlAnon, the 12 step program aimed at supporting family and friends of people who suffer from alcoholism; fact is, it isn't just the alcoholic who suffers from alcoholism, and that is a fact.
Peace on the journey, whichever direction or directions you decide to take.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:20 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
With alcoholism, the only part of the state you'll likely see is who you've already begun to see -- cops.
Medicaid will fund addiction treatment, funds quite a bit of addiction treatment nationwide, actually. In fact, you are likely to get far less treatment in terms of inpatient rehab days from private insurance than you will from Medicaid.
posted by The Straightener at 1:28 PM on December 2, 2009
Medicaid will fund addiction treatment, funds quite a bit of addiction treatment nationwide, actually. In fact, you are likely to get far less treatment in terms of inpatient rehab days from private insurance than you will from Medicaid.
posted by The Straightener at 1:28 PM on December 2, 2009
Newcomers to AA backing out saying that the people there "aren't like me" are so common that old-timers will chuckle to themselves hearing this. Not that they don't care about your sister. It's just so common a response that it amounts to an AA inside joke. Gallows humor is a mainstay of AA meetings.
It is a sign of someone who is not ready to quit drinking. (Or, rarely but possibly, of someone who doesn't really need to stop drinking. Blackouts and lies point to the latter option not being very likely here.)
Unfortunately there probably isn't much you can do. Be supportive of her. Don't do anything to enable her like providing money or cover for lies. Only she can decide if she needs to stop drinking, and that will only happen if she honestly believes she needs to. Pressure, guilt, or shame from external sources may get someone to stop briefly but they will almost certainly slip back.
I feel for you as someone who now understands how helpless my parents and sister felt when I vanished into myself.
posted by Babblesort at 1:58 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
It is a sign of someone who is not ready to quit drinking. (Or, rarely but possibly, of someone who doesn't really need to stop drinking. Blackouts and lies point to the latter option not being very likely here.)
Unfortunately there probably isn't much you can do. Be supportive of her. Don't do anything to enable her like providing money or cover for lies. Only she can decide if she needs to stop drinking, and that will only happen if she honestly believes she needs to. Pressure, guilt, or shame from external sources may get someone to stop briefly but they will almost certainly slip back.
I feel for you as someone who now understands how helpless my parents and sister felt when I vanished into myself.
posted by Babblesort at 1:58 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think that someone seriously dependent on alcohol might not really be free-thinking. Those who have been through this sort of thing would have a more valuable perspective than me, but I think that anon may be justified in not treating her sister like a fully autonomous person, because she's not.
This really gets people in trouble. Alcoholics and addicts may not seem like fully functioning adults, but they can and do go to amazing lengths to get what they need to get and stay drunk or high. They are quite resourceful when it serves their own interests.
If you treat an alcoholic like a child, he or she is apt to keep acting like one. Only when people are forced to be responsible for themselves and face the consequences of their actions are they likely to see the need for change.
posted by something something at 2:29 PM on December 2, 2009 [4 favorites]
This really gets people in trouble. Alcoholics and addicts may not seem like fully functioning adults, but they can and do go to amazing lengths to get what they need to get and stay drunk or high. They are quite resourceful when it serves their own interests.
If you treat an alcoholic like a child, he or she is apt to keep acting like one. Only when people are forced to be responsible for themselves and face the consequences of their actions are they likely to see the need for change.
posted by something something at 2:29 PM on December 2, 2009 [4 favorites]
Hmm. I've had a brother with bipolar disorder spiral wildly out of control across the country, and a sister abandon her children and take off to live on a meth ranch in Arizona... and I WAS the alcoholic brother who lived across the country.
And the absolute best advice I can give you is to be as healthy as you can be and to take care of yourself. Sadly, we don't get to choose who our loved ones turn to in times of trouble. But we can be ready and available (and grounded) if they choose to turn to us. This doesn't just mean having cash on hand and being caught up on all your bills. This means knowing how to set boundaries when necessary, how to avoid being manipulated, and especially to avoid being terrorized by their condition.
Here's and example of how that works: My brother's mental health is still, and probably always will be, fairly unstable. The side effects of his medicine are undesirable, and he starts to feel good after a while. Then he stops taking his medication. Or, he tampers with his dosage. Or he simply starts indulging himself in his typical disordered thinking. Something goes wrong, and he immediately begins to dwell on suicide. Last week, as the holidays started in full-swing, he began to demonstrate symptoms of an oncoming break-down. He mentioned a suicidal thought in passing. We talked a bit about his therapeutic response to it. Then he quit his job. And he started hanging around the family more (reducing his own independence). And then he announced that he was going to delete Facebook. (This might not be a red flag for some of you, but it's a huge one when dealing with someone who may be suicidal. It's essentially suicide by proxy - practice suicide, if you will.)
Now, once upon a time, I would have freaked out. I would have dwelt on what I could do to save him. I would have made impassioned pleas and I would have made angry/scared demands. But that wouldn't have helped him. Instead, I stayed calm and rational. My brother has a disease like many other diseases that may, at some point in his life, be fatal. And the sooner I was able to accept that, the sooner I was able to really assist him. This time, I sat down and told my parents about the warning signs he was displaying. And we talked to him - very calmly and quietly, as a group - and we told him:
1. You have therapeutic tools, now is the time to use them. Whether this is the real thing or a fire drill, you need to spring into action. Now.
2. We love you, and want you to be well, but cannot achieve that on your behalf. This is something you must do for yourself.
3. We will not support self-destructive behavior if you begin to engage in it - anything from active self-harm to failing to sleep properly.
Now, that might sound kinda cold to tell a 20 year old who is off his rocker. But I assure you, it worked: Calls to the doctor, therapy sessions, med levels checked, Facebook still intact, and a holiday free of any suicide attempts.
I'll repeat: You need to take care of yourself. As some have mentioned, one way of doing that is to learn what the AlAnon community can teach you.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:54 PM on December 2, 2009 [6 favorites]
And the absolute best advice I can give you is to be as healthy as you can be and to take care of yourself. Sadly, we don't get to choose who our loved ones turn to in times of trouble. But we can be ready and available (and grounded) if they choose to turn to us. This doesn't just mean having cash on hand and being caught up on all your bills. This means knowing how to set boundaries when necessary, how to avoid being manipulated, and especially to avoid being terrorized by their condition.
Here's and example of how that works: My brother's mental health is still, and probably always will be, fairly unstable. The side effects of his medicine are undesirable, and he starts to feel good after a while. Then he stops taking his medication. Or, he tampers with his dosage. Or he simply starts indulging himself in his typical disordered thinking. Something goes wrong, and he immediately begins to dwell on suicide. Last week, as the holidays started in full-swing, he began to demonstrate symptoms of an oncoming break-down. He mentioned a suicidal thought in passing. We talked a bit about his therapeutic response to it. Then he quit his job. And he started hanging around the family more (reducing his own independence). And then he announced that he was going to delete Facebook. (This might not be a red flag for some of you, but it's a huge one when dealing with someone who may be suicidal. It's essentially suicide by proxy - practice suicide, if you will.)
Now, once upon a time, I would have freaked out. I would have dwelt on what I could do to save him. I would have made impassioned pleas and I would have made angry/scared demands. But that wouldn't have helped him. Instead, I stayed calm and rational. My brother has a disease like many other diseases that may, at some point in his life, be fatal. And the sooner I was able to accept that, the sooner I was able to really assist him. This time, I sat down and told my parents about the warning signs he was displaying. And we talked to him - very calmly and quietly, as a group - and we told him:
1. You have therapeutic tools, now is the time to use them. Whether this is the real thing or a fire drill, you need to spring into action. Now.
2. We love you, and want you to be well, but cannot achieve that on your behalf. This is something you must do for yourself.
3. We will not support self-destructive behavior if you begin to engage in it - anything from active self-harm to failing to sleep properly.
Now, that might sound kinda cold to tell a 20 year old who is off his rocker. But I assure you, it worked: Calls to the doctor, therapy sessions, med levels checked, Facebook still intact, and a holiday free of any suicide attempts.
I'll repeat: You need to take care of yourself. As some have mentioned, one way of doing that is to learn what the AlAnon community can teach you.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:54 PM on December 2, 2009 [6 favorites]
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can assure you the behaviors and denials your sister is exhibiting are classic signs of someone who isn't ready to quit drinking yet. And if that's the case, there isn't much you can do until she is ready, especially long distance.
There is perhaps one thing, though, you can try from far away if you're willing to do the work. You mentioned she had actually tried AA. See if you can find out if she ever selected a sponsor and a home group. If so, try the white pages phone book under AA where your sister is living to find out how to contact the home group and/or sponsor. There is almost always a central AA phone number in every town. You may get some resistance because of the tradition of anonymity, but if you explain your concerns about your sister, you may find some helpful folks. Let her sponsor know about your concerns and observations. Her sponsor is far more likely to have some, albeit little, influence than you are so many miles away.
Finally, I will add to the chorus recommending Al Anon for you. At the least, you will learn for yourself why it is so difficult to intervene with a loved one when they simply aren't ready to stop drinking. They will truly help you with understanding and acceptance.
My thoughts go out to you. If I may ever be of any assistance, my email is in my profile.
posted by netbros at 3:17 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
There is perhaps one thing, though, you can try from far away if you're willing to do the work. You mentioned she had actually tried AA. See if you can find out if she ever selected a sponsor and a home group. If so, try the white pages phone book under AA where your sister is living to find out how to contact the home group and/or sponsor. There is almost always a central AA phone number in every town. You may get some resistance because of the tradition of anonymity, but if you explain your concerns about your sister, you may find some helpful folks. Let her sponsor know about your concerns and observations. Her sponsor is far more likely to have some, albeit little, influence than you are so many miles away.
Finally, I will add to the chorus recommending Al Anon for you. At the least, you will learn for yourself why it is so difficult to intervene with a loved one when they simply aren't ready to stop drinking. They will truly help you with understanding and acceptance.
My thoughts go out to you. If I may ever be of any assistance, my email is in my profile.
posted by netbros at 3:17 PM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
someone seriously dependent on alcohol might not really be free-thinking.
There is something to this, but it's only useful when you need to remember not to take things personally. The lying, fudging, disappearing, etc? It's alcoholism. It does no one any good to get all self-righteous, no matter how justified. (As they say, she's not the problem- she HAS a problem. )
Which is in no way to say you should accept unacceptable behaviour, should it come to that. Just don't take it personally, the same way you don't if it's a 5 year old having a tantrum. That said, she is NOT a 5 year old, so you don't get to straighten her up and get her flying right, alas.
What can you do? Take care of yourself. Keep yourself healthy and stable. Let her know you love her no matter what. The end. Until she gets serious about cleaning up, you're off the hook (whether you want to be or not.)
fwiw, I love Al-anon. If you go there, everyone will know what you're talking about, and everyone will know what it's like. If that sounds useful, check it out.
memail me if you feel like it.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:13 PM on December 2, 2009
There is something to this, but it's only useful when you need to remember not to take things personally. The lying, fudging, disappearing, etc? It's alcoholism. It does no one any good to get all self-righteous, no matter how justified. (As they say, she's not the problem- she HAS a problem. )
Which is in no way to say you should accept unacceptable behaviour, should it come to that. Just don't take it personally, the same way you don't if it's a 5 year old having a tantrum. That said, she is NOT a 5 year old, so you don't get to straighten her up and get her flying right, alas.
What can you do? Take care of yourself. Keep yourself healthy and stable. Let her know you love her no matter what. The end. Until she gets serious about cleaning up, you're off the hook (whether you want to be or not.)
fwiw, I love Al-anon. If you go there, everyone will know what you're talking about, and everyone will know what it's like. If that sounds useful, check it out.
memail me if you feel like it.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:13 PM on December 2, 2009
bingo wrote: As a former twelve-stepper myself, I need to let you know that, if you want your sister to take you seriously, you need to remove those quotation marks.
I think the quotation marks are there because the poster is quoting the mom quoting the sister. They're not scare quotes--they're attribution quotes.
And, yes, if we all had a dollar for everyone who doesn't think AA is for them because they're too much of a special snowflake, we'd be eating caviar in our yachts right now.
The OP wrote: Is there anything I can do to stop this slide?
No, of course not. Which you know in your mind, I'm sure, but my guess is that you don't really know it in your heart, hence the Freudian slip. One of the hardest lessons for family members of alcoholics is coming to terms with the truth that nobody but the alcoholic can choose to change.
Nth-ing Al-Anon as a place for support for you, and to find some strategies for you to support (not fix) your sister.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:08 PM on December 2, 2009
I think the quotation marks are there because the poster is quoting the mom quoting the sister. They're not scare quotes--they're attribution quotes.
And, yes, if we all had a dollar for everyone who doesn't think AA is for them because they're too much of a special snowflake, we'd be eating caviar in our yachts right now.
The OP wrote: Is there anything I can do to stop this slide?
No, of course not. Which you know in your mind, I'm sure, but my guess is that you don't really know it in your heart, hence the Freudian slip. One of the hardest lessons for family members of alcoholics is coming to terms with the truth that nobody but the alcoholic can choose to change.
Nth-ing Al-Anon as a place for support for you, and to find some strategies for you to support (not fix) your sister.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:08 PM on December 2, 2009
There are other programs for alcoholics & AA doesn't work for everyone, especially those who don't buy into the overt religiosity of 12-step programs in general. You could suggest she tries one of the others if she still wants to participate in some kind of support group.
Seconding all the posts above about treating her as an adult who has the right (and responsibility) to make her own decisions: you can't force her to stop drinking, no matter how much you'd like to.
posted by pharm at 2:22 AM on December 3, 2009
Seconding all the posts above about treating her as an adult who has the right (and responsibility) to make her own decisions: you can't force her to stop drinking, no matter how much you'd like to.
posted by pharm at 2:22 AM on December 3, 2009
And, yes, if we all had a dollar for everyone who doesn't think AA is for them because they're too much of a special snowflake, we'd be eating caviar in our yachts right now.
Right, because the rhetoric of The Program is that you're either on board with The Truth, or you are a sadly misdirected whiner.
I'm not going to derail the thread with an argument about why I don't think that twelve-step problems are The Answer. I'll just say that, when someone chooses not to participate in one, that should not necessarily be taken as a sign that They Are In Denial and are refusing to see The Way. And I think that's something that the OP should take into consideration.
If anyone, including the OP, wants to contact me directly (or start a metatalk thread) then I'd be happy to go into detail, and I'm sure a lot of other special snowflakes would be as well.
posted by bingo at 5:17 AM on December 3, 2009
Right, because the rhetoric of The Program is that you're either on board with The Truth, or you are a sadly misdirected whiner.
I'm not going to derail the thread with an argument about why I don't think that twelve-step problems are The Answer. I'll just say that, when someone chooses not to participate in one, that should not necessarily be taken as a sign that They Are In Denial and are refusing to see The Way. And I think that's something that the OP should take into consideration.
If anyone, including the OP, wants to contact me directly (or start a metatalk thread) then I'd be happy to go into detail, and I'm sure a lot of other special snowflakes would be as well.
posted by bingo at 5:17 AM on December 3, 2009
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
Hi, guys. Anon OP here. Thank you everyone for some very thoughtful responses.posted by cortex (staff) at 8:05 AM on December 3, 2009
I spoke with my sister and she says that the reasons she does not like AA is that she feels uncomfortable talking about things with strangers, and that she doesn't need the support of strangers to get on with her life. She says that listening to other people's problems just isn't helpful for her.
I also sense that my sister has problems with the AA group / philosophy in general, because she is adamant that she does not want to give up her circle of friends (most of whom she knows in the context of going out drinking).
That said, she is adamant that she has not had a drop of alcohol since the incidents of the summer, and that the Facebook pictures I saw were old pictures. I want to believe her, I really do, but she has lied to me so many times about her drinking that I just don't find the comments credible. And I'm not sure if my (expressed) lack of credulity is helpful or hurtful.
I am really trying to find the serenity to accept the fact that my sister might not be ready to give up drinking. It is really hard, because I have always been "there" for her, and it is my nature that I want to "fix" things.
I appreciate the references to Al-Anon. Other colleagues I've spoken to have mentioned it to me; I plan on attending a meeting next week.
Your sister may not have found a group that she feels comfortable with. And that can be a serious, serious impediment to someone seeking help.
All of us who recommend AA have had a good experience with it. But for each of us who found a welcoming, well-run room of people waiting to help us sober up and stay that way - there are people out there who found a petty, judgmental crowd of textual literalsts ready to browbeat and shame. (It should be noted that this often has MORE to do with the outlook of the person rather than the quality of the group! But I'm not of the opinion that this is always the case: I have been to bad meetings myself.)
When I lived in Philadelphia, I had a great circle of sober friends. This was helped by the fact that I had alienated myself from everyone else in my life. That made it very easy for me to just pick up with a group of guys from AA rather than holding on to a circle of friends that came pre-loaded with a whole lot of habits and emotions. I stumbled into a room full of happy, sober people - but I also stumbled into a room full of gays. They were people who I connected with on two levels: they understood my struggle with alcohol AND they were the types of people I wanted to spend time with. They laughed, brunched, went dancing, wore cute clothes, quoted Mommie Dearest, giggled whenever anyone talked about "hitting their bottom" and understood the type of life I wanted to start living when I stopped living one fueled entirely by alcohol and shame. That was a very powerful combination. It made it harder for me (a self-destructive asshole) to announce that "AA just wasn't for me - cause I don't really feel like I fit in." But that's exactly what I wanted to do. Or, more accurately, that's what my alcoholism wanted me to do.
As for the REALLY bad meetings that I've been to? Heaven help your sister if she's run across some of those meetings: they'll give your sister's alcoholism free-license to continue its reign of terror. I've been to meetings with sign-in sheets. (How that is even remotely acceptable in a group founded on ANON-FUCKIN-IMITY, I'll never know.) How do you scare off someone who is already terrified and just desperate for some help? Someone who may not even know that they're an alcoholic? Start asking for personal information, in a small town, oh and could you write it down...
And I've been to meetings that fall somewhere else on the spectrum. Some are peopled with characters who have little or nothing in common with me except our shared experience with alcohol. This can be a powerful experience if you are in the right place to understand the universality of addiction. But if you aren't, they're just a bunch of strangers talking about things you haven't done yet. (Yet.)
I've been in meetings where the chairperson wouldn't or couldn't control members of the group, who made ad hominem attacks or snide remarks or talked AT someone who was in a vulnerable position. The traditions explain why we put up with sub-par chairing from time to time - why AA has no professional staff, no dues or fees, why anonymity is important, etc. But those can be lofty and inaccessible concepts, especially if your next drink is stalking down the street behind you, two paces back, waiting to lunge. I can assure you that when you find your way to AA, you're rarely at your best in terms of critical thinking. Someone who calls you a selfish bitch (a safe bet in a room full of alcoholics, but poor form) could send you running into the arms of that next drink.
So that's something to consider. Maybe your sister hasn't found a group she feels comfortable with. Maybe she hasn't found a sponsor who makes her feel safe and capable and worthwhile. Maybe your sister is still so wounded [self-inflicted or otherwise] that she can't toughen the fuck up enough (or lower her defenses enough) to hear the message. Maybe she was run off by a nasty personality.
But I don't say this to inspire you to inquire further into your sister's experiences with AA. I don't suggest that you look at the groups offered in her area, or find out if she was attending one that might fit with her outlook on life. (There are groups for everyone: gay, clergy, women, atheists, dog lovers...) Because I would rather you take away the message that you need to take care of yourself. That is of utmost importance. Ensuring that your sister has a good experience with AA is NOT your job.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:29 AM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
All of us who recommend AA have had a good experience with it. But for each of us who found a welcoming, well-run room of people waiting to help us sober up and stay that way - there are people out there who found a petty, judgmental crowd of textual literalsts ready to browbeat and shame. (It should be noted that this often has MORE to do with the outlook of the person rather than the quality of the group! But I'm not of the opinion that this is always the case: I have been to bad meetings myself.)
When I lived in Philadelphia, I had a great circle of sober friends. This was helped by the fact that I had alienated myself from everyone else in my life. That made it very easy for me to just pick up with a group of guys from AA rather than holding on to a circle of friends that came pre-loaded with a whole lot of habits and emotions. I stumbled into a room full of happy, sober people - but I also stumbled into a room full of gays. They were people who I connected with on two levels: they understood my struggle with alcohol AND they were the types of people I wanted to spend time with. They laughed, brunched, went dancing, wore cute clothes, quoted Mommie Dearest, giggled whenever anyone talked about "hitting their bottom" and understood the type of life I wanted to start living when I stopped living one fueled entirely by alcohol and shame. That was a very powerful combination. It made it harder for me (a self-destructive asshole) to announce that "AA just wasn't for me - cause I don't really feel like I fit in." But that's exactly what I wanted to do. Or, more accurately, that's what my alcoholism wanted me to do.
As for the REALLY bad meetings that I've been to? Heaven help your sister if she's run across some of those meetings: they'll give your sister's alcoholism free-license to continue its reign of terror. I've been to meetings with sign-in sheets. (How that is even remotely acceptable in a group founded on ANON-FUCKIN-IMITY, I'll never know.) How do you scare off someone who is already terrified and just desperate for some help? Someone who may not even know that they're an alcoholic? Start asking for personal information, in a small town, oh and could you write it down...
And I've been to meetings that fall somewhere else on the spectrum. Some are peopled with characters who have little or nothing in common with me except our shared experience with alcohol. This can be a powerful experience if you are in the right place to understand the universality of addiction. But if you aren't, they're just a bunch of strangers talking about things you haven't done yet. (Yet.)
I've been in meetings where the chairperson wouldn't or couldn't control members of the group, who made ad hominem attacks or snide remarks or talked AT someone who was in a vulnerable position. The traditions explain why we put up with sub-par chairing from time to time - why AA has no professional staff, no dues or fees, why anonymity is important, etc. But those can be lofty and inaccessible concepts, especially if your next drink is stalking down the street behind you, two paces back, waiting to lunge. I can assure you that when you find your way to AA, you're rarely at your best in terms of critical thinking. Someone who calls you a selfish bitch (a safe bet in a room full of alcoholics, but poor form) could send you running into the arms of that next drink.
So that's something to consider. Maybe your sister hasn't found a group she feels comfortable with. Maybe she hasn't found a sponsor who makes her feel safe and capable and worthwhile. Maybe your sister is still so wounded [self-inflicted or otherwise] that she can't toughen the fuck up enough (or lower her defenses enough) to hear the message. Maybe she was run off by a nasty personality.
But I don't say this to inspire you to inquire further into your sister's experiences with AA. I don't suggest that you look at the groups offered in her area, or find out if she was attending one that might fit with her outlook on life. (There are groups for everyone: gay, clergy, women, atheists, dog lovers...) Because I would rather you take away the message that you need to take care of yourself. That is of utmost importance. Ensuring that your sister has a good experience with AA is NOT your job.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:29 AM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
What greekphilosophy said, and it goes for Al-anon, too. One of the major benefits of the "90 meetings in 90 days" idea for newcomers is that you're forced to try out every meeting in a 25 mile radius. That way if you run into a bad one (or 2 or 3 bad ones) you'll hopefully also have run into some that are a good fit, just by sheer numbers.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:00 PM on December 3, 2009
posted by small_ruminant at 1:00 PM on December 3, 2009
Please can you let your sister know that AA is, contrary to popular belief, not the only answer for someone who has an alcohol problem? What about Women For Sobriety, SMART Recovery, Secular Organisations for Sobriety or Rational Recovery? what about LifeRing or Moderation Management? What about naltrexone or acamprosate or inpatient treatment or cognitive behaviourial therapy?
I'm not saying one or any of these approaches will appeal to her personally; only that it's all too common for people to "fail" with AA, and give up because they believe it's the only treatment that works.
The best thing you can do, IMHO, is encourage her to keep persisting and trying different approaches, trying to evaluate what works for her and what doesn't, and overall not to give up on her desire to live a clean, sober life - if this isn't her desire, then just keep in touch and be a loving brother and hope that she will come around, I suppose. Or investigate the possibilities of a program like CRAFT or CALM. This might be useful reading.
posted by Weng at 3:14 PM on December 3, 2009
I'm not saying one or any of these approaches will appeal to her personally; only that it's all too common for people to "fail" with AA, and give up because they believe it's the only treatment that works.
The best thing you can do, IMHO, is encourage her to keep persisting and trying different approaches, trying to evaluate what works for her and what doesn't, and overall not to give up on her desire to live a clean, sober life - if this isn't her desire, then just keep in touch and be a loving brother and hope that she will come around, I suppose. Or investigate the possibilities of a program like CRAFT or CALM. This might be useful reading.
posted by Weng at 3:14 PM on December 3, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bearwife at 12:55 PM on December 2, 2009