I have a child. Should I change my name after divorce?

December 1, 2009 1:04 PM

Do I keep my married name after divorce?

I am getting a divorce from my husband, and I am torn about whether to keep my married name or change back to my maiden name. I have several things to consider:

1. I have a 5 month old son. Will it be hard on him as he gets older? (This is my main concern.)

2. My maiden name is EXTREMELY simple (only 5 letters), and my married name is a cultural name that I ALWAYS have to spell. I've only been married 4.5 years, so I am not necessarily attached to it.

When I got engaged, I debated whether or not to take my ex's name or maybe hyphenate it. My SBXH (soon to be ex husband) had a FIT. He said that was the one thing he wanted from me.

3. He is an extremely abusive man. He belittled me and verbally abused me for 7 years. (We've been married almost 5.) (I know, I know, I shouldn't have married him in the first place...)

4. I am known professionally as my SBXH's last name, but I am an admin asst, so I don't think it is a big deal across the company if I change it, tho I do a lot of work in other offices....IDK

posted by Tubman to Society & Culture (48 answers total)

Three out of four of those considerations would seem to favor changing back to your maiden name.
posted by sinfony at 1:05 PM on December 1, 2009

I don't think it will be hard on your son. It's quite common to have parents with different last names these days. I'd say change it back to your maiden name.
posted by mattbucher at 1:07 PM on December 1, 2009 [7 favorites]

Change it back. Change your son's name, too, if you think that's an issue.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:08 PM on December 1, 2009

I'd probably revert to my maiden name because of Point #3 all by itself, and Point #5 as a secondary concern. Many years ago when my starter marriage ended, I kept my married name, mostly because it was orders of magnitude easier to spell than my maiden name. I never regretted it.

Two years ago I married the man of my dreams, and ended up with an unpronounceable ethnic name so long it doesn't fit on credit cards. Yay!
posted by workerant at 1:08 PM on December 1, 2009

Your son will be fine. My niece and nephew both have their father's last name, while their mom (my sister) went back to her maiden name. The kids are both teenagers now, they have had a different last name then their mom for pretty much as long as they can remember, and it's never been a problem.

Go back to your maiden name, or hey, you can even pick a brand new last name if you like. I know someone who did that as well (although she really hated her maiden name, so that's why she went with a brand new last name).
posted by Lokheed at 1:09 PM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

And even #1 isn't a for-sure against changing your name back. I have plenty of friends who are married or divorced who have different names than their children or stepchildren. My very good friend kept her maiden name back when it was not fashionable or acceptable to do so, and although her childrens' names are technically hyphenated, it never really seems that way in practice. She indicates that she did not have much by way of a problem, other than having to say "I am Ms. X, Jillian Y's mother."
posted by oflinkey at 1:09 PM on December 1, 2009

This is not the exact same situation but my mom kept her maiden name when she got married and it didn't cause any confusion (even when my parents split for a while when I was in high-school). Actually, from what I recall, there was a certain cache to having your mom's name be different. The work thing will also be less of a big-deal than you think. People are always changing their names - eventually your married name won't even be remembered.

In your place I would change my name back. It would give me a fresh start.
posted by machine at 1:11 PM on December 1, 2009

It sounds like you have excellent personal and emotional reasons to go back to your maiden name, so that the only real issue is having a different last name than your son (which, as others have pointed out, doesn't need to be the case -- you can change his name, too, if you like, though I understand you may fear how your soon-to-be-ex might react).

The practicalities of having a different last name from a child don't seem to be a big deal, from what I've observed. My sister and my best friend, for example, have different last names from their kids (they kept their maiden names when they got married), and I've never heard them mention anything more than the occasional minor inconvenience or misunderstanding for them (e.g., being addressed as "Mrs. Son's Last Name" rather than "Ms. Real Last Name"). Their kids, as far as I know, have never had any trouble in terms of being made fun of. However, the fact that the kids have never had any trouble may be due in part to living in a pretty big, urban, liberal-y area where it's not a particularly unusual thing; your mileage may vary depending on the size or your town or the region you're in.
posted by scody at 1:13 PM on December 1, 2009

It sounds like your last name comes with a shitload of baggage. Change your name.

My brother-in-law, his wife, and his step-daughter all have different last names, and they are doing just fine.
posted by chunking express at 1:14 PM on December 1, 2009

My mother kept my father's cultural-always-have-to-spell-it name over her own simple 5 letter name. I think she might have done it to make it easier for us.

1. I think these days it's not such a big surprise to people when a child has a different name than a parent, a mother in particular. Divorce is common. Women not taking their partner's name in the first place is common. That said, I have witnessed minor issues over it-- a friend of mine had a bit of hassle getting her nose pierced, but after a few minutes of humming and hawing things were fine.

2. Having recently taken my husband's simple, 5 letter name, I can say that this is a compelling reason to switch back to yours! It was if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders after 20 years of having to spell my name out for people. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life doing this for something you weren't even born with?

3. I also think this is a compelling reason to switch back to your own name. I don't think I'd want terrible memories attached to a name I have to deal with on the daily.

4. Adults, particularly women, have name changes all the time. It's not as hard as you might think, and keeping it for the sake of such *little* trouble seems kind of silly to me.


It seems to me you would like to switch back to your maiden name. Do it, and don't worry about your son.
posted by sunshinesky at 1:14 PM on December 1, 2009

Go back to your maiden name. Kids and teachers today are used to parents with names that are different than their kids.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:14 PM on December 1, 2009

My mother and I had different last names and it never caused any trouble, so don't worry about that, it's a pretty common thing nowadays.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 1:15 PM on December 1, 2009

I kept my name ( my husband kept his) and our children have hyphnated names with no problems yet - nine years later. In your situation I would revert to my birth name and hyphenate the sons name. This also makes it possible for later children to have a hyphenated name with your birth name and future fathers birth name.

Congrats on your divorce!
posted by saucysault at 1:17 PM on December 1, 2009

It might result in the occasional administrative hassle with your son's school (i.e., you'll have to remember to identify yourself as "Jane Doe, parent of John Smith" rather than just "Jane Doe, John's mom"), but otherwise don't worry about #1. I know lots of kids whose last names differ from one or both parents.

#2-3 seem like valid, understandable reasons in favor of your changing your name. As for #4, surely your company has had female employees who have married and changed their names, right? This will be no more difficult for them to adjust to (although be prepared for some nosy people to be a little confused about the specifics of your name change).

Do whatever seems best for you, but the reasons you've outlined seem on balance to point toward changing your name.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:20 PM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Change it back. Would your son have had your husband's name anyway, whether you had changed it or not? My daughter has my husband's name and no part of mine. I'm sure she won't feel less like my daughter as she grows up.
posted by gaspode at 1:20 PM on December 1, 2009

My mother kept her married name after divorce so it wouldn't be weird for my sister and I to have a different last name...and then she got remarried and changed her name. It really wasn't all that weird for us either way, since she handled being called Mrs. MyLastName by my friends with no problem.

Which is to say, don't base this on your child; base it on you.

Also, when people at my work get married and change their names, it's strangely not difficult to get used to it even when I've known them for years by one name. I think the only professional reason to keep a last name is if you're Google-able by it, not whether your coworkers know you by it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 1:21 PM on December 1, 2009

Just for a different perspective, I grew up in a time and place when it was decidedly unusual for a kid to have a different last name than the parent, but when this one kid changed his last name (he was adopted by his stepfather), in spite of the oddness and novelty it caused very little interest after about the first five minutes. So I really don't think you have anything to worry about on your son's behalf.
posted by JanetLand at 1:23 PM on December 1, 2009

I'd also say change it back. I'm married and kept my maiden name, so my surname's different from my young son's. It's never been an issue at all in terms of school, traveling on planes, doctor's visits, social encounters, or anything else.

Best of luck with the transition to your new life.
posted by lisa g at 1:24 PM on December 1, 2009

I kept my name. My kids have a different last name. It's never been an issue.
posted by acoutu at 1:27 PM on December 1, 2009

My preschool aged twin sons have their father's last name (I never changed mine.) It is really not an issue at all -- in his school, it seems the only family that went for the traditional, we-all-have-the-same-name is the mixed race family with two daddies. Be happy with your name, take it back!
posted by fullofragerie at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2009

Tons of kids have different last names from their moms these days. No big deal. Anyway, your kid's 5 months old; he doesn't know his last name yet. You can leave it or change it. You could change it and change it back a couple times before he'd be old enough to notice.
For that matter, there's no real reason why you couldn't pick a third name that is altogether different from your maiden and married names and change to that. Is there a last name that would sound really nice with your first name? Sky's the limit here.
posted by willpie at 1:40 PM on December 1, 2009

Your points convinced me that you should change it back. No question at all.
posted by rokusan at 1:40 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

One option I haven't seen mentioned is: go back to your maiden name, don't change your son's last name, but make your maiden name his middle name (sort of an alternative to hyphenating). We gave our son my name as a middle name and I really like having that name connection with him even though I didn't take my husband's last name.
posted by peep at 1:48 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

3. He is an extremely abusive man. He belittled me and verbally abused me for 7 years. (We've been married almost 5.) (I know, I know, I shouldn't have married him in the first place...)

Please, don't belittle or guilt yourself over the length of time you spent in this relationship. The important thing is that you've ended it, and taken the huge and scary step to remove yourself and your child from the situation. Be proud of your strength, and let the re-taking of your own name be a testament to that.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 1:49 PM on December 1, 2009 [9 favorites]

The only reason I'm bothering to Nth the recommendations to switch back is to point out that had you been able to hew to your original plan of keeping your maiden name in the first place, you would have had a different last name from your eventual offspring anyhow.
posted by drlith at 1:58 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

My mom has had three last names since I've been born, and four total. Her and I had the same last name for a while, then she got divorced from my dad and married another guy, taking his last name. Then she divorced him and took her own middle name as her last name.

I think it turned out all right at each turn. I actually went with her to the court proceeding where she truncated her name to FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME. It was pretty cool- she said, at one point- "I've had other peoples' names my whole life. Now I have my own."

As an additional data point, my wife and I have different last names, and our baby has my last name. No one ever questions it.

Change your name. Congratulations on your new start. Like sarahsynonymous says, Be proud of your strength, and let the re-taking of your own name be a testament to that.
posted by elmer benson at 2:03 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Here's yet another person with a different last name from her son. It's never been a problem. At least where we live, it's not odd at all to have a variety of last names in a family. Go ahead and change it back.

That said: in your situation, I'd be tempted to change my son's name, too.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:04 PM on December 1, 2009

Change it. I grew up with a different last name than my mom; it never was an issue, and this was back in the days when divorce was spoken of in hushed tones.
posted by chez shoes at 2:24 PM on December 1, 2009

I changed back to my maiden name after my divorce and it was never a problem for me or my sons. As an added bonus, it really helped in the emotional aspect of the divorce. I mean, why would I want to keep the name of the man who "belittled me and verbally abused me" (for 23 years in my case)? And yeah "(I know, I know, I shouldn't have married him in the first place...)" I wish you the best of luck in your new and improved future. Getting my name back, for some reason, gave me a sense of enpowerment and helped me realize, I'll be okay.
posted by wv kay in ga at 2:50 PM on December 1, 2009

I grew up with a different last name from my mom, who had a different last name from my grandmother, none of whose names actually reflected anyone's current husband.

It'll be fine. Take back the name which won't remind you of abuse every time you have to spell it out for someone.
posted by griphus at 3:01 PM on December 1, 2009

Go ahead and change your name, and maybe change your son's name while you're at it.

If you don't change your son's name, a likely issue you might face is that people (your son's teachers, etc.) will occasionally address you as "Mrs. [child's surname]." It's a little bit of confusion that's easily rectified, but you may begin to find it irritating the thousandth time it happens. The name could also be a constant unwanted reminder (to both you and your son) of the father. Your son is young enough that he's very unlikely to miss the old surname.

Regarding the job, etc.: A name change after a divorce shouldn't be any more of a hassle to employers than a name change after a wedding.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:13 PM on December 1, 2009

I'd recommend changing it for the reasons you give.
posted by zippy at 3:17 PM on December 1, 2009

Agreed. I recommend changing it for the reasons you said. Maybe even your sons name.

My mother kept her last name after the divorce, but 1) i was 7 and my brother was 12. and 2) she was a school teacher and didn't want the kids to pry into why her name changed. It's none of their business. In your scenario w/ admin, I'd change your name.

If you hang onto it you will feel like you're hung onto the marriage.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 3:22 PM on December 1, 2009

When I was five, my mother changed her last name and mine to something that wasn't her maiden name, wasn't my father's name, wasn't a family name. It just became our name. It served as a fresh start for our family.

Now, I'm married to my son's father, but kept my own name. My son is 3 1/2 (so, not in school yet) but it hasn't been an issue. In the past couple of months we've talked a lot about names because of a "my family" unit and my son doesn't question why he and his dad have the same first and last name but I have a completely different name.

Change it.
posted by anastasiav at 3:27 PM on December 1, 2009

Change it, even change your son's name if you're so inclined (not out of pettiness, but if you honestly think it'll make life easier).

Good for you on getting the divorce, no-one should have to put up with an abusive relationship. Good luck for the future.
posted by arcticseal at 3:28 PM on December 1, 2009

First, listen to sarahsynonymous above. That's the most important piece of advice on this page, for my money.

As others have pointed out, your son's still young enough that changing his name wouldn't matter that much (no school to deal with, and he's only had a few months to accumulate paperwork that needs to be changed). You might want to think about that, as it lets you dodge the "what if my son's name is different from mine" business completely.

You didn't mention the mechanics of changing your (and possibly your son's) name, but it's generally pretty easy, especially in circumstances like yours. Nolo Press has some information on doing so. I don't know your jurisdiction, but often there's a self-help center or something at your local courthouse that could have useful information.

(Standard warning: I am a lawyer, but not your lawyer, and this is not legal advice.)
posted by tellumo at 3:29 PM on December 1, 2009

After splitting with her husband, my grandmother changed her name back to her maiden name, along with the name of her young son (my dad). And this was in the late '30s in the deep South. If my grandmother ever encountered any resistance to this, she never mentioned it (not that she would have cared). Go back to your maiden name, and do it for your kid as well. This will help you mark a new chapter in your life.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:36 PM on December 1, 2009

Having a mother with a different last name won't cause problems. Having a hyphenated last name is a whole 'nother can of worms. Sounds like you should/you want to change your name back.
posted by Electrius at 3:45 PM on December 1, 2009

Agreeing with changing to your original name or even better chosing a brand new last name to fit the new chapter in your life. I do want to point out to those suggesting that you change your son's name that one parent cannot do that unilaterally. The child has two parents who, even if one is a jerk, have equal rights to such decisions.
posted by Pineapplicious at 4:03 PM on December 1, 2009

Pineapplicious - check your facts. A custodial parent can cetainly go to court of the name-change of a child. The court is able to decide. The father has no automatic rights. The likelihood of success depends on the trends in her state and the court.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:28 PM on December 1, 2009

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this or not. My Mom kept her married name when she and my father divorced. Then my father remarried. Now both my Mom and my step-mom are Ms. West which is sort of weird and I think would be weirder if it was a long complicated cultural name and there were only a few of you in the community. In case you needed a more husband-neutral reason to do what most people seem to be suggesting: change your name.
posted by jessamyn at 4:30 PM on December 1, 2009

as soon as I got to the part where you said he was abusive, that did it for me - take your name back, and change your son's too if you can. Be rid of him and his name.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:54 PM on December 1, 2009

For what its worth, here's my experience with the same situation:

1. I have a six year old son, he adjusted to the change without much of a problem. At first he thought it was weird that Mommy had a different last name and a last name that was different from his name, but I explained it to him and he rolled with it. It’s amazing how much kids adjust if you are just honest with them. It usually only takes giving my name to a teacher once and I’m always addressed by the correct name. Then I live in a big city in Southern California and divorce, along with kids having different names from their parents, is pretty common. I’m not sure how it will be where you are.
2. I found that I was surprisingly attached to my maiden name, getting it back felt like reclaiming a life that I had lost in a very unhealthy relationship. You’ll be surprised just how emotionally empowering it is to be YOU again!
3. Been there, done that. In the time it took to process my divorce it bothered me immensely to be carrying around the name of someone who hurt me. I changed my last name on everything I could socially. Unfortunately it took the finalized divorce papers to get it changed at work.
4. Just be prepared to be congratulated….a lot. People who don’t know you that well will assume you got married. I always replied “actually I got divorced, but I’ll still take your congratulations!” It might take a bit for people to get used to, but they do it all the time for people who get married.

Getting my name back was a HUGE deal for me. It made such a difference not to carry around a name I primarily associated with a bad situation. It was like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I hit the Social Security office and the DMV the day I got my divorce paperwork. I love my maiden name, it captures the person I was before I was in a relationship with someone who broke that person down into a shadow of her former self. Becoming a whole person again made me a better worker, a better friend, and a better mom. Good luck!
posted by Palmcorder Yajna at 5:06 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd say by going with the name you want to be known by, you're setting a good example for your son by demonstrating to him that women have a right to choose their own name. And that's a good step in the direction of raising him to be a better man than his father.
posted by orange swan at 7:47 PM on December 1, 2009

Change your name, and best wishes as you and your son move forward to a new and better phase of your lives.
posted by emd3737 at 8:41 PM on December 1, 2009

I was married for 6.5 years and got divorced over 20 years ago. My son was 2 when we divorced. I took back my maiden name. Here's why:

1. Ex-husband's last name did not belong to me. I got to use it while married into the family, but really, it wasn't mine to keep.
2. My maiden name is almost as simple as 'Smith'; ex-husband's family name was incredibly difficult for people to pronounce correctly and like you, I always always had to spell it.
3. It is not problematic in the least for your child to have a different last name than you.

It bugs the crap out of me when I hear women say they kept their ex-husband's last name so they would have the same last name as their child, as if having a different last name than your child would somehow cause mass confusion for people. My son is almost 24, and never once was anybody ever confused by the fact that that our last names were different. The worst thing that ever happened was that sometimes (and I mean maybe less than 10 times total while he was growing up), teachers, parents, or friends would call me Mrs. [my ex-husband's and son's family name], at which point I'd just politely correct them, and that was that. No confusion or looks of horror on their faces.

Take back your maiden name. Your reasons are sound and even after all these years, I'm so glad I did.
posted by angiewriter at 8:55 PM on December 1, 2009

Wouldn't it be weird to spend the next fifty years of your life with a name from a man who was awful to you? Don't worry about your son. You all will be fine.

I have the same last name as my dad, stepmom, and sister, but not my mom, husband, or kids. It's never been a problem, and my kids don't look a thing like me. I've flown internationally with them, and no one has ever even questioned it.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:45 PM on December 1, 2009

My now three year old daughter has a different last name than I do; my husband kept his name when we married, and we elected to give her his name. It's never been a problem, ever. Change it.
posted by KathrynT at 10:20 PM on December 1, 2009