October 11, 2009 10:37 AM   Subscribe

What does a guy mean after he tries to have sex but it doesn't happen?

after the visit and we held hands and were tight and sweet I wanted to know him more but not jump into anything so I sort of laid it out through text( because thats a stupid thing I do) So, I did and here is what I got, this is a bunch of texyts melted together:

About us I'm wanting to take it slow cause I just don't really have room for something committed now and didn't want to have serious feelings thrown around.In the past I took sex too lightly and it's gotten me in drama so I didn't want to start something that I don't think I could be in fully. Wouldn't be fair to both of us and I would just end up pissing you off
Yeah i wanna chill def. I just said that cause of the past few text ya kno. And I kno that I'm not where I want to be but i'm doing my thing and reaching goals. Yeah I'm down for the shows. That's all I want to do is chill with good frnds. And I don't think I'm miss reading anything I got a good grasp on things and know where you're coming from. Respect
My friend says hes just being honest before going forward, my other friend says its a kiss off but he still calls.
posted by femmme to Human Relations (13 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
It's really hard to get any information out of those texts or your description, but if he still calls, then why don't you just keep seeing him and see how it goes? Read the texts at face value instead of listening to your friends (or metafilter) try to interpret them.
posted by ishotjr at 10:40 AM on October 11, 2009

Instead of asking your friends, us, or trying to read between the t9, ask him, IN PERSON — like a person.

To me, it sounds truthful, kissoffs don't bear that much earnest-seeming explanation. Definitely take him at his word, but get the word from his own lips to be sure.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:41 AM on October 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

He wants in your pants, but is willing to wait for it.

That said, I would DTMFA due to his poor spelling and complete lack of disrespect for the letter "W".
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 10:42 AM on October 11, 2009 [20 favorites]

I read that as "I don't want to have sex unless this is something serious, and I want to just date for a while and see if I want this to be something serious or not. Currently, I don't, but I'm leaving the door slightly open in the future."
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:48 AM on October 11, 2009

I'm wanting to take it slow cause I just don't really have room for something committed now and didn't want to have serious feelings thrown around.

This is a reasonable thing to say. Someone could say it and mean it in the most literal way. On the other hand, someone could say it as a polite way of letting you down. So either of your friends could be right. There's just not enough information to answer this question. The only way you're going to get an answer, if you want one, is to talk to the guy.

However, note that he either doesn't want to get too involved right now for the reason he states or he doesn't want to get too involved right now for some reason he's not stating. So if you want any chance of a relationship with him, back off.

You need to decide what you want within the parameters he has set down. Do you want a relationship RIGHT NOW or never? If so, move on, because he doesn't want one right now. Are you willing to wait and see what happens? If so, get on with your life, give him some space, but, every now and then, let him know he's in your thoughts.

PS. You kids and your texting! "kno", "frnds", "def." Ugh!
posted by grumblebee at 10:48 AM on October 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

What I got from it:
"I want to take things slowly, because I am not ready for commitment or anything very serious. Also, I don't want to hurt you or start any drama - something I know I'm pretty good at creating. Yes, I still want to stay in touch with you, I still want to hang out with you and go to the shows, but right now I just want to hang out with good friends."

So the only expectation he wants to place on your friendship / relationship is one of friendship at the moment, and doesn't want to treat your body the way he knows he can, because that would (presumably) hurt you and hurt his chances for a sustained relationship. Since you said you didn't want to jump into anything, this is good.
He seems hesitant to get into any heavy relationship, although it does sound like a string of excuses he's giving so he doesn't hurt you and push you totally away.

Try to talk to him about this in person with a minimum of what I think he's calling "drama." If he's a good friend, just be blunt about what you want to know, and be sure to ask him to be honest about what he wants. He's right - drama is a pain in the ass.
posted by neewom at 10:56 AM on October 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

[A few comments removed. Don't treat an asker like shit just because you dislike the informality of their writing.]
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:14 AM on October 11, 2009 [13 favorites]

He's trying to let you down nicely. If you want anything more than a friend to go to shows with, I'd look elsewhere.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:31 AM on October 11, 2009

Texts are terrible to try and interpret. My vote is for talk to him and keep in mind it sounds like he's trying to let you go easily. Also: texting lends itself better to information, not meaningful communication. Avoid it if the phone/personal contact is possible. My two cents.
posted by variella at 12:09 PM on October 11, 2009

Our need for control and knowledge sometimes drives us to believe that we can figure things out from incomplete information. It is guess work at best, usually based on gross generalizations about the sexes.

One of the unfortunate byproducts of our culture is that in our haste to protect younger women from being hurt, we sometimes paint a picture of young men that isn't exactly accurate--the idea that they are all unfeeling machines who always want to have sex every minute. Its perfectly normal for a guy who is interested in you to want to figure out what kind of person you are before taking steps that might result in him feeling emotionally vulnerable.

So what to do? I suggest taking a chance and letting him know in a little heart to heart how you feel about him and your curiosity about his feelings for you. It is scary, but you end up in a better spot anyway because he will see that you are willing to take risks.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:09 PM on October 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

He wants to sleep with you but doesn't want a relationship, so to come out sounding like a better guy so he can still sleep with you eventually he's saying "I don't want to just sleep with you, I want to take it slow" because then you'll read his texts and think "aww he's being honest with me about what he wants and he wants to take it slow." And at the same time he doesn't dislike you as a person and doesn't mind chilling with you, at least as long as he knows there's a chance of hooking up with you.

He wants to chill with friends and good people without committing to you.

I think if he was really into you he wouldn't be texting you long-winded answers, he'd just simply say he likes you without saying he wants to do his own thing and achieve his goals. Sure, everyone wants to do that, but you don't say that as an excuse, if you like someone you just hang out with them without being all "blah blah blah don't want to start something blah blah blah don't want to be committed blah blah blah take it slow blah blah blah."

So take a step back and see what happens. If he says "I don't really have room for something committed now" I'd read that as "he's just not that into you" (HJNTIY).
posted by KateHasQuestions at 2:57 PM on October 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

He just wants to be friends and maybe, maybe something more. Maybe. If you're looking for a relationship, you're not going to get it from him right now.

Don't invest too much time in this guy right now.
posted by kathrineg at 3:01 PM on October 11, 2009

I sort of laid it out through text( because thats a stupid thing I do)

I'm tryin' to find the words to describe this, girl, without bein' disrespectful...

It's not the way he texts, oh no, that's not the way, and you're not listenin' to all I say - if you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss. That's where it is.
posted by flabdablet at 6:57 PM on October 11, 2009

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