Why do we care?
May 19, 2009 8:21 PM Subscribe
Why do we feel bad about hurting his feelings?
I recently sent an e-mail by mistake to a relative who I'll call Carl. The mail was supposed to be sent to a person who I'll call Shelly. Shelly has been harassed and treated badly by Carl. Shelly told me things in a recent mail that I didn't know about Carl and I typed out a reply to her, telling her what I thought of Carl, but accidentally put Carl's address in the recipients box. I know it was stupid on my part NOT to hit reply to send my mail back to her. I said what I thought about Carl in that mail. I realized too late that I had sent it to Carl, and I told Shelly what I had done. Now I find that she and I feel kind of bad about possibly hurting Carl's feeling knowing he'll read my mail meant for Shelly. I don't think Shelly or I hate Carl, ( he is family to both of us) but we do dislike him for his actions. Carl is a bully and likes to intimidate ( verbally, mentally, and to some extent physically) Shelly as well as one other person that we know of.
Its been over a day and a half since I sent the mail and neither one of us have heard from Carl.
Carl tries to put on like he's a nice guy to most people, hiding the side of him thats a bully.
My question is, why do we feel bad about possibly hurting Carl's feelings while knowing the things he's done to Shelly?
I recently sent an e-mail by mistake to a relative who I'll call Carl. The mail was supposed to be sent to a person who I'll call Shelly. Shelly has been harassed and treated badly by Carl. Shelly told me things in a recent mail that I didn't know about Carl and I typed out a reply to her, telling her what I thought of Carl, but accidentally put Carl's address in the recipients box. I know it was stupid on my part NOT to hit reply to send my mail back to her. I said what I thought about Carl in that mail. I realized too late that I had sent it to Carl, and I told Shelly what I had done. Now I find that she and I feel kind of bad about possibly hurting Carl's feeling knowing he'll read my mail meant for Shelly. I don't think Shelly or I hate Carl, ( he is family to both of us) but we do dislike him for his actions. Carl is a bully and likes to intimidate ( verbally, mentally, and to some extent physically) Shelly as well as one other person that we know of.
Its been over a day and a half since I sent the mail and neither one of us have heard from Carl.
Carl tries to put on like he's a nice guy to most people, hiding the side of him thats a bully.
My question is, why do we feel bad about possibly hurting Carl's feelings while knowing the things he's done to Shelly?
You don't feel bad; you feel embarrassed because you've broken a social norm. You know this will cause awkwardness with Carl now. I think this is more about you not wanting to feel uncomfortable than it is about hurting Carl's feelings.
posted by yawper at 8:33 PM on May 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by yawper at 8:33 PM on May 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
It is folly for us to guess why you feel a certain way, but nevertheless that is the question you asked. So here goes.
Talking about someone behind their back is one of the things adults wish they were adult enough not to do. The reason you're torn about whether or not to feel bad about hurting Carl's feelings is that you are trying to substitute that noble feeling for your disappointment in yourself about the way you acted, and to a lesser extent, your embarassment for making the email mistake. However, you can't fool yourself so easily and you know there's nothing noble about the situation. So you just feel generally crappy and confused about the whole affair.
posted by fritley at 8:46 PM on May 19, 2009
Talking about someone behind their back is one of the things adults wish they were adult enough not to do. The reason you're torn about whether or not to feel bad about hurting Carl's feelings is that you are trying to substitute that noble feeling for your disappointment in yourself about the way you acted, and to a lesser extent, your embarassment for making the email mistake. However, you can't fool yourself so easily and you know there's nothing noble about the situation. So you just feel generally crappy and confused about the whole affair.
posted by fritley at 8:46 PM on May 19, 2009
Taurid: why do we feel bad about possibly hurting Carl's feelings while knowing the things he's done to Shelly?
Is this not obvious? Is this not crystal-clear? Good god, modern moral thinking is remarkably primitive.
You feel bad because it is wrong to hurt someone and because it is wrong to say things about someone to another person that you wouldn't say to their face. It was, when I was a child (hint: I'm not 30 yet) called “talking about someone behind their back.”
You feel bad because, as the old adage has it, two wrongs don't make a right. (Old adages can be remarkably useful, can't they?) It doesn't make it right for you to talk about someone behind their back merely because they've done something wrong. The wrongs of others are not a license for us to do to them whatever we'd like to them.
And, finally, you feel bad because you're human. Human beings have a strange quirk: they want to be liked, and they are uncomfortable when they know that they are almost certainly disliked, especially by a particular person. You are uncomfortable with the situation as it is.
There is one, and only one, way for you to stop feeling the way you do. You must sit down with Carl, in person, and do him the dignity of telling him what you think he's done wrong and discussing it with him openly. Don't do what we so often do today—don't avoid talking to him or talk to him in a superficial way just so that you can go back to Shelly and tell her, “he hasn't changed—he's still exactly the same;” listen to what he has to say, and don't back down or apologize to him unless you really mean it.
That's the respectful way to handle it.
posted by koeselitz at 9:04 PM on May 19, 2009 [8 favorites]
Is this not obvious? Is this not crystal-clear? Good god, modern moral thinking is remarkably primitive.
You feel bad because it is wrong to hurt someone and because it is wrong to say things about someone to another person that you wouldn't say to their face. It was, when I was a child (hint: I'm not 30 yet) called “talking about someone behind their back.”
You feel bad because, as the old adage has it, two wrongs don't make a right. (Old adages can be remarkably useful, can't they?) It doesn't make it right for you to talk about someone behind their back merely because they've done something wrong. The wrongs of others are not a license for us to do to them whatever we'd like to them.
And, finally, you feel bad because you're human. Human beings have a strange quirk: they want to be liked, and they are uncomfortable when they know that they are almost certainly disliked, especially by a particular person. You are uncomfortable with the situation as it is.
There is one, and only one, way for you to stop feeling the way you do. You must sit down with Carl, in person, and do him the dignity of telling him what you think he's done wrong and discussing it with him openly. Don't do what we so often do today—don't avoid talking to him or talk to him in a superficial way just so that you can go back to Shelly and tell her, “he hasn't changed—he's still exactly the same;” listen to what he has to say, and don't back down or apologize to him unless you really mean it.
That's the respectful way to handle it.
posted by koeselitz at 9:04 PM on May 19, 2009 [8 favorites]
If you feel like the relationship is worth the effort, there's a way to tell someone what bothers you and what you'd prefer (not like "you're a bully" but like "X really rubbed me the wrong way...") in a concerned and loving way that brings you closer or at least opens the conversation about the things that you have a problem with.
posted by salvia at 9:18 PM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 9:18 PM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Because you fucked up, and you feel guilty. It's a natural feeling. You didn't intend to cause suffering, but you may have by accident, and it's a terrible feeling no matter how quickly you can rationalize it in the context of how much he may have deserved it.
You can do a lot right now to neutralize things by writing to him directly and apologizing and initiating a discussion about how things can change going forward. Or you can be like people in my family, and silently all agree to just never speak of it again.
posted by hermitosis at 8:29 PM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]