Why can't I not be a bitch to my boyfriend?
May 8, 2009 1:42 PM Subscribe
How do I stop feeling jealous of my boyfriend?
My boyfriend works with a really great group of people who both he and I are close to. For the past few months he's been working the night shift, and will occasionally go out after work (around 1am for them) for drinks and end up staying out all night. He always calls and lets me know where he is, and I trust him completely, so I'm not worried about who he's hanging out with or what he's doing, but I always end up feeling annoyed and angry, even though I know he's not doing anything wrong. I finally realized that I'm jealous that he's out having fun, and I'm not.
As I said, I'm also close to this group of people, and in fact, though they were his friends/coworkers first, I've kind of adopted them as my own. I think that's part of the problem, actually, because through a series of events, I lost several friends, and don't have many friends of my own anymore. I don't think anyone thinks of them as "his friends" or "my friends;" they're our friends, but I think if I had some of "my friends" I wouldn't feel so envious. The other part of the problem is that I am very unhappy in my job, and I'm jealous that he works with people he actually enjoys spending time with.
I'm in the process of finding a new career, and hoping that new friends will go with that, but what can I do in the meantime to stop feeling jealous and angry and being bitchy to my boyfriend when he goes out without me?
My boyfriend works with a really great group of people who both he and I are close to. For the past few months he's been working the night shift, and will occasionally go out after work (around 1am for them) for drinks and end up staying out all night. He always calls and lets me know where he is, and I trust him completely, so I'm not worried about who he's hanging out with or what he's doing, but I always end up feeling annoyed and angry, even though I know he's not doing anything wrong. I finally realized that I'm jealous that he's out having fun, and I'm not.
As I said, I'm also close to this group of people, and in fact, though they were his friends/coworkers first, I've kind of adopted them as my own. I think that's part of the problem, actually, because through a series of events, I lost several friends, and don't have many friends of my own anymore. I don't think anyone thinks of them as "his friends" or "my friends;" they're our friends, but I think if I had some of "my friends" I wouldn't feel so envious. The other part of the problem is that I am very unhappy in my job, and I'm jealous that he works with people he actually enjoys spending time with.
I'm in the process of finding a new career, and hoping that new friends will go with that, but what can I do in the meantime to stop feeling jealous and angry and being bitchy to my boyfriend when he goes out without me?
Go out and join them?
Go out by yourself for a movie or a nice dinner?
Don't just sit at home. Part of why you're probably so upset is "oh, he's out having fun and I'm at home on the stupid internet. Again." So don't stay at home. Go do things you enjoy.
posted by Night_owl at 1:48 PM on May 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
Go out by yourself for a movie or a nice dinner?
Don't just sit at home. Part of why you're probably so upset is "oh, he's out having fun and I'm at home on the stupid internet. Again." So don't stay at home. Go do things you enjoy.
posted by Night_owl at 1:48 PM on May 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you are ok with him going out without you, then the easiest thing you can do is finding enjoyable activities to do that are your own - a hobby, reading, hanging out with 'your' friends, engaging in new activities to make new friends, watching 'your' movies that he doesn't like, sleeping (since he is out all night). If it's your time, then own it in the way you feel is most rewarding.
posted by seppyk at 1:49 PM on May 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by seppyk at 1:49 PM on May 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
You are using two words with distinct meanings: Jealous and envious. They have different meanings, and you might want to notice the subtly in them. You could decide if you are one or the other or both. That might help you decipher your feelings a little.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 1:56 PM on May 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by YoBananaBoy at 1:56 PM on May 8, 2009 [2 favorites]
Find new friends now, not after you get the career thing worked out. Hie thee to the internet and start chatting some people up. If work schedules between you and your boyfriend/all your mutual friends don't overlap that much, you need to find another social outlet. Try Meetup.com, craig's list, okcupid.com (there are a lot of people on there just looking for friends, even though it's a dating site), or pursue social activities centered around any hobbies you have. Your boyfriend is getting way more social interaction than you are, and that would irritate anyone. Unless you're also interested in staying out all night with them, you need to find something else to do with your time. Don't wrap your whole life up in these people.
posted by booknerd at 3:05 PM on May 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by booknerd at 3:05 PM on May 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
i find that the biggest problem (also for me as I live in a foreign country where language is a bit of a barrier) in making RL friends is that most friends (defined for right now as those you hang out with, as opposed to those you confide in or discuss heavy stuff with) seem to come from ... work.
so if you are having trouble at work, or work in shift-patterns that make cultivating any friendship impossible, or are plain out unemployed...gah!!! how!! people say go out and make friends...ummm where!
sometimes it's just hard to do, unless you begin with drinks after work (usually group thing), then branch out from there. if you're lucky you'll meet more people *thru* them, who will end up being non-work friends.
poor OP. i understand what she is going through. it's not the BF's fault his job is letting him have this happy hangout time with the buddies. nor is your social life his responsibility (i feel you know this already).
as for you, the only counter-balance is to focus on getting that new job going, and focussing on yourself (hair, nails, body, clothes, interests that you don't need another person for). once you got YOU going, and the job comes up, you will be *ready* for all those people to come a-begging to have drinks after work : )
getting busy doing all the above will take up mindspace away from being annoyed at your bf's good fortune.
hope it works out x
posted by ravingOak at 4:41 PM on May 8, 2009
so if you are having trouble at work, or work in shift-patterns that make cultivating any friendship impossible, or are plain out unemployed...gah!!! how!! people say go out and make friends...ummm where!
sometimes it's just hard to do, unless you begin with drinks after work (usually group thing), then branch out from there. if you're lucky you'll meet more people *thru* them, who will end up being non-work friends.
poor OP. i understand what she is going through. it's not the BF's fault his job is letting him have this happy hangout time with the buddies. nor is your social life his responsibility (i feel you know this already).
as for you, the only counter-balance is to focus on getting that new job going, and focussing on yourself (hair, nails, body, clothes, interests that you don't need another person for). once you got YOU going, and the job comes up, you will be *ready* for all those people to come a-begging to have drinks after work : )
getting busy doing all the above will take up mindspace away from being annoyed at your bf's good fortune.
hope it works out x
posted by ravingOak at 4:41 PM on May 8, 2009
I've had similar feelings from a married man's perspective.
Moved across country with wife, got job, got pregnant (x2) and religiously spent as much time at home as possible because we had no child care help. As kids got out of infancy, wife developed multiple friendships through playdates, playgroups, classes, and preschool. Before I knew it, she had a ton of friends and I had none. Any guy friends typically were husbands of her girlfriends (i.e., people I didn't select/cultivate as friends) Then she began to go out about once a week with her girlfriends and I began to resent it, acting out ("I had a hard day at work and I'd like to rest, but you're going out.")
Solution: Developed some hobbies, made some friends, but the key...get together and go over your monthly schedule so you never get into the ,"Oh, by the way I'm going out tomorrow," situation, otherwise it might breed cross-resentment.
posted by teg4rvn at 5:58 PM on May 8, 2009
Moved across country with wife, got job, got pregnant (x2) and religiously spent as much time at home as possible because we had no child care help. As kids got out of infancy, wife developed multiple friendships through playdates, playgroups, classes, and preschool. Before I knew it, she had a ton of friends and I had none. Any guy friends typically were husbands of her girlfriends (i.e., people I didn't select/cultivate as friends) Then she began to go out about once a week with her girlfriends and I began to resent it, acting out ("I had a hard day at work and I'd like to rest, but you're going out.")
Solution: Developed some hobbies, made some friends, but the key...get together and go over your monthly schedule so you never get into the ,"Oh, by the way I'm going out tomorrow," situation, otherwise it might breed cross-resentment.
posted by teg4rvn at 5:58 PM on May 8, 2009
I think that's part of the problem, actually, because through a series of events, I lost several friends, and don't have many friends of my own anymore.
Get back in touch with some of those friends, or go out and make more. Stop spending time alone waiting for him to come home on those late nights and do something with other people. It's not a healthy thing to drop all of your friends in favor of another person's social group. I've done it myself, and it puts you at an immediate disadvantage. Spend the time and energy that you are wasting on being envious and go have some fun.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:19 AM on May 9, 2009
Get back in touch with some of those friends, or go out and make more. Stop spending time alone waiting for him to come home on those late nights and do something with other people. It's not a healthy thing to drop all of your friends in favor of another person's social group. I've done it myself, and it puts you at an immediate disadvantage. Spend the time and energy that you are wasting on being envious and go have some fun.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:19 AM on May 9, 2009
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Granted its better than him driving home drunk and ending up dead or something, but this would certainly bother me too.
posted by goethean at 1:47 PM on May 8, 2009