how to cope with an omnipresent ex-girlfriend?
October 22, 2013 10:41 AM Subscribe
my SO's ex-girlfriend is pretty much always around. i thought i was cool with it, and philosophically, i want to be cool with it... but it's seriously starting to grate on my nerves. how to deal?
my SO is no longer close friends with his ex, but she has remained very integrated into his friend/family group. i don't really have a problem with this, because it's certainly none of my business who's friends with whom, but there are a few factors that concern me:
1. i think she still wants to get back together, even though it's been well over a year now. it was most evident in the beginning of our relationship, when she was sending him a lot of emails and text messages, which he politely discouraged. there was a brief period when she dated someone else, but they recently broke up. i don't know if she's started contacting my SO again, but i can pretty much count on her being at any event where she knows he'll be in attendance.
2. she became fairly close to his family when they were together, and has expressed a desire to continue this, particularly a relationship with his mother. i don't think this has actually happened, but his mom is quite the social butterfly, so it's possible. i'm having a hard time not feeling a bit competitive when i see her talking to everyone in his family for extended periods of time at gatherings. (one thing to note here is that it's not like she's invited to exclusive family events where i might be invited, but his friends and family do hang out together quite a lot.)
it's kind of an ironic situation in that my SO said she was super-jealous of even randomly running into ex-girlfriends when she and he were together, but now, of course, she's always there and everywhere. i have generally been very understanding of the fact that my SO (and his friends/family for that matter) can't really control this situation, and i feel like they've been very friendly and accepting of me as well, but recently, i've been having a hard time not worrying about it and wishing it would stop. the family part is probably what bothers me the most.
any words of wisdom? i want to be the girlfriend who is totally cool with all of this, and for the most part, i haven't complained, but i'm finding myself feeling more frustrated about it as time goes on.
my SO is no longer close friends with his ex, but she has remained very integrated into his friend/family group. i don't really have a problem with this, because it's certainly none of my business who's friends with whom, but there are a few factors that concern me:
1. i think she still wants to get back together, even though it's been well over a year now. it was most evident in the beginning of our relationship, when she was sending him a lot of emails and text messages, which he politely discouraged. there was a brief period when she dated someone else, but they recently broke up. i don't know if she's started contacting my SO again, but i can pretty much count on her being at any event where she knows he'll be in attendance.
2. she became fairly close to his family when they were together, and has expressed a desire to continue this, particularly a relationship with his mother. i don't think this has actually happened, but his mom is quite the social butterfly, so it's possible. i'm having a hard time not feeling a bit competitive when i see her talking to everyone in his family for extended periods of time at gatherings. (one thing to note here is that it's not like she's invited to exclusive family events where i might be invited, but his friends and family do hang out together quite a lot.)
it's kind of an ironic situation in that my SO said she was super-jealous of even randomly running into ex-girlfriends when she and he were together, but now, of course, she's always there and everywhere. i have generally been very understanding of the fact that my SO (and his friends/family for that matter) can't really control this situation, and i feel like they've been very friendly and accepting of me as well, but recently, i've been having a hard time not worrying about it and wishing it would stop. the family part is probably what bothers me the most.
any words of wisdom? i want to be the girlfriend who is totally cool with all of this, and for the most part, i haven't complained, but i'm finding myself feeling more frustrated about it as time goes on.
How is "new boyfriend" the answer...? Are we now living in a world where boyfriends are easy as hell to find, just go to the nearest drugstore?
OP - tell your boyfriend it's bothering you. see how he reacts. see if he can help you deal with this, or deal with her. He's allowed to tell her she shouldn't be coming to his events so often, or tell her that her behavior bothers him. If she's sane, she'll understand. If not, deal with it a different way. It's a chance to see how your bf deals with your concerns, if he brushes them away or takes them seriously.
posted by rhythm_queen at 11:09 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
OP - tell your boyfriend it's bothering you. see how he reacts. see if he can help you deal with this, or deal with her. He's allowed to tell her she shouldn't be coming to his events so often, or tell her that her behavior bothers him. If she's sane, she'll understand. If not, deal with it a different way. It's a chance to see how your bf deals with your concerns, if he brushes them away or takes them seriously.
posted by rhythm_queen at 11:09 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
The main thing to control here is your own expectation of being totally cool with it. You can't control her, and you're finding you can't control your own emotional reaction to it. Tell your boyfriend that it's bugging you more as time goes on, even though you trust him entirely, and have a conversation about it. It may be that he's not so keen on seeing her so often anymore, either, or that he otherwise wants to limit exposure to her. If you're both on the same page he can ask his family to include her less often.
posted by ldthomps at 11:11 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ldthomps at 11:11 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I second rhythm_queen. He's on your team so lean on him to help come up w a solution.
posted by PeaPod at 11:12 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by PeaPod at 11:12 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't be cool with this.
There's totally a point where this can be and should be a deal breaker. Their relationship ended. She likely understood that this meant that they were through. Your significant other (and you) have been cool with her being tangentially around because it hasn't been a problem. Someone somewhere has actually become a problem. This means one of three things she needs to take a step back and try starting again at reincorporating herself into the community with less stress, she needs to leave it completely, or you need to leave it.
The thing is, she was in a relationship. She had additional relationships as a result of that. While she may be out of the relationship with your boyfriend, she is still trying to maintain and possibly expand upon those additional relationships. When those relationships begin to interfere with your relationships, she's causing the problem.
You need to be honest with how you feel, and you need to understand it is your boyfriend's place to say something. If he won't or isn't effective, it is your place to say something. If he doesn't say something, or minimizes this - you need to move on.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:23 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's totally a point where this can be and should be a deal breaker. Their relationship ended. She likely understood that this meant that they were through. Your significant other (and you) have been cool with her being tangentially around because it hasn't been a problem. Someone somewhere has actually become a problem. This means one of three things she needs to take a step back and try starting again at reincorporating herself into the community with less stress, she needs to leave it completely, or you need to leave it.
The thing is, she was in a relationship. She had additional relationships as a result of that. While she may be out of the relationship with your boyfriend, she is still trying to maintain and possibly expand upon those additional relationships. When those relationships begin to interfere with your relationships, she's causing the problem.
You need to be honest with how you feel, and you need to understand it is your boyfriend's place to say something. If he won't or isn't effective, it is your place to say something. If he doesn't say something, or minimizes this - you need to move on.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:23 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
I had a similar issue, not with an ex but with a woman who was friends with my husband before he and I started dating and who, in my view, very clearly wished they were more than friends. We were all part of a larger group. She and I were friendly but not FRIENDS, if you know what I mean. She and my husband were a little more friendly, but only slightly friendlier than acquaintences. My husband was newly separated from his first wife, and I think she was planning to make some sort of move on him in time, but I guess I got to him first. As soon as she found out that he and I were an item she became extremely possessive of him, which no one understood, and she tried very hard to lure him away from me. She emailed him many times a day, texted him, occasionally even badmouthed me to him (which he immediately put an end to). She called him by little pet names/nick names and would constantly be touching him, rubbing his arm and back, etc.
I felt her level of contact she insisted upon was inappropriate, especially since she wasn't exactly polite or friendly with me anymore when we were both at an event, and everything kept getting worse as it became clear that my husband and I were on the marriage/forever track.
People telling you to talk to your boyfriend are bang on. Nothing I could do would solve the problem because in her mind I was the problem and I was keeping him from her. I talked to my boyfriend, told him how uncomfortable she made me, pointed out that I had zero issue with any of his other female friends, that it really was her specific behaviour that I felt was crossing a line. He told me that he didn't entirely see it (he's a bit clueless when women are hitting on him), but he still took the situation in control. He got her to scale her contact WAY back, and after a few bizarre run ins with her she was very openly flirty with him and very openly hostile towards me we have had no contact with her. When she saw that he was committed to ME and that she wasn't going to sway him, she basically just evaporated. I have heard tales of her badmouthing about me, calling me a bitch, saying how I am "keeping him from being friends with her" and nonsense like that, but every mutual friend is all "Dude, what the hell is up with her?! She is acting crazypants." and actually her behaviour has resulted in her losing more friends than just my husband and I.
tldr; talk to your boyfriend about it. he is the one that will have to address it with her.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:34 AM on October 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
I felt her level of contact she insisted upon was inappropriate, especially since she wasn't exactly polite or friendly with me anymore when we were both at an event, and everything kept getting worse as it became clear that my husband and I were on the marriage/forever track.
People telling you to talk to your boyfriend are bang on. Nothing I could do would solve the problem because in her mind I was the problem and I was keeping him from her. I talked to my boyfriend, told him how uncomfortable she made me, pointed out that I had zero issue with any of his other female friends, that it really was her specific behaviour that I felt was crossing a line. He told me that he didn't entirely see it (he's a bit clueless when women are hitting on him), but he still took the situation in control. He got her to scale her contact WAY back, and after a few bizarre run ins with her she was very openly flirty with him and very openly hostile towards me we have had no contact with her. When she saw that he was committed to ME and that she wasn't going to sway him, she basically just evaporated. I have heard tales of her badmouthing about me, calling me a bitch, saying how I am "keeping him from being friends with her" and nonsense like that, but every mutual friend is all "Dude, what the hell is up with her?! She is acting crazypants." and actually her behaviour has resulted in her losing more friends than just my husband and I.
tldr; talk to your boyfriend about it. he is the one that will have to address it with her.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:34 AM on October 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
It is tough to know if your expectations are reasonable. You are not sure if they still chat regularly since her latest breakup.She shows up at events where her friends are. They happen to be mutual friends. Does she behave inapropriatly at these events? Does your boyfriend? She is allowed to hang out with her friends without your consent. So unless some weird stuff is going on, you need to express your discomfort to your boyfriend and work around it.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:07 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by munchingzombie at 12:07 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your human. You have a built in system designed to create emotional alarm when a mate interacts with a potential mating interest. It doesn't matter that he'll be true, its setting off this emotional system in you and causing pain.
Let him know that your logical system gets this--but that it sets off the animal system.
Second, acknowledge when you are feeling this, then tell yourself to let go. This will happen pretty often, but that's okay.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:32 PM on October 22, 2013
Let him know that your logical system gets this--but that it sets off the animal system.
Second, acknowledge when you are feeling this, then tell yourself to let go. This will happen pretty often, but that's okay.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:32 PM on October 22, 2013
i don't think your boyfriend can ask her to not go to events that he hasn't invited her to - if she has other reasons to be there it's pretty controlling to think that just because he showed up she should leave. you can control this by going to less events if you feel you must (and he should back you up on this and stay home with you). trying to curtail her participation for your comfort is pretty crappy. even if you're right that her participation is about getting him back - it sounds like there are other reasons for the events and if you start micro managing which exes can share oxygen with you, you're going to become the kind of woman you roll your eyes at.
i'm with Etrigan - the ex can't "win back" what isn't on offer. if you trust him, her hanging around showing herself to be a fool shouldn't impact you. you're allowed to feel annoyed, but if it were me, i'd keep it at that, a feeling.
posted by nadawi at 12:43 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
i'm with Etrigan - the ex can't "win back" what isn't on offer. if you trust him, her hanging around showing herself to be a fool shouldn't impact you. you're allowed to feel annoyed, but if it were me, i'd keep it at that, a feeling.
posted by nadawi at 12:43 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
You don't have to be cool with her, but you can't control her, or his family and her interactions with them.
What you've got is jealousy, and it's okay. It's even justified, as far as it goes. We all want to be the one that everyone likes, even we misanthropic types.
So acknowledge that it bugs you that his family still like her, and that he may still like her as a friend. She may even be trying to get him back, and that's what I'd discuss with your BF.
"Dude, Wendy drives me nuts when you're with her. I think she's trying to win you back and the fact that she and your family all get along so well is a great cover for that. Frankly the whole thing bugs me and what's worse, there's nothing I can say that isn't going to make me look like queen bitch to EVERYONE if I complain about it. So let's have a signal that's just between us. When we're at a gathering and she's the life of the party, with you, or with your folks, I'll squeeze your hand. That means I'm feeling insecure. You squeeze my hand back to let me know that you get it, and that I have nothing to worry about. If you can, perhaps you can cut her off and we can go into a corner together to regroup. That would make it a LOT easier for me to deal with. I hope that after awhile, she'll get it and quit trying so hard."
If your BF is a mench, he'll get it and he'll start initiating.
It should be enough that he's with you, and the rest of it is just the green-eyed monster. By acknowledging it, and by having your BF validate your feelings, I think will go a long way to making you more comfortable with this yukky situation.
Hang in there. You can rise above it!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:09 PM on October 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
What you've got is jealousy, and it's okay. It's even justified, as far as it goes. We all want to be the one that everyone likes, even we misanthropic types.
So acknowledge that it bugs you that his family still like her, and that he may still like her as a friend. She may even be trying to get him back, and that's what I'd discuss with your BF.
"Dude, Wendy drives me nuts when you're with her. I think she's trying to win you back and the fact that she and your family all get along so well is a great cover for that. Frankly the whole thing bugs me and what's worse, there's nothing I can say that isn't going to make me look like queen bitch to EVERYONE if I complain about it. So let's have a signal that's just between us. When we're at a gathering and she's the life of the party, with you, or with your folks, I'll squeeze your hand. That means I'm feeling insecure. You squeeze my hand back to let me know that you get it, and that I have nothing to worry about. If you can, perhaps you can cut her off and we can go into a corner together to regroup. That would make it a LOT easier for me to deal with. I hope that after awhile, she'll get it and quit trying so hard."
If your BF is a mench, he'll get it and he'll start initiating.
It should be enough that he's with you, and the rest of it is just the green-eyed monster. By acknowledging it, and by having your BF validate your feelings, I think will go a long way to making you more comfortable with this yukky situation.
Hang in there. You can rise above it!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:09 PM on October 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'm going to add a voice going against the grain a bit and say that a lot of women have thought I was after their boyfriend (my ex, or just a friend) when really and truly, I wasn't and never was. You think that she wants to get back together - based on what, exactly? That she's single?
It's hard to tell from your question if she's really behaving in appropriately, but I think based on your previous questions expressing anxiety about fitting into your boyfriend's friend group and life, a lot of this might be your own anxiety talking. You're seeing her attendance at events as her attempting to get closer to your boyfriend, but in reality, she probably just wants to hang out.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:10 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's hard to tell from your question if she's really behaving in appropriately, but I think based on your previous questions expressing anxiety about fitting into your boyfriend's friend group and life, a lot of this might be your own anxiety talking. You're seeing her attendance at events as her attempting to get closer to your boyfriend, but in reality, she probably just wants to hang out.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:10 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
You can't limit her socializing with friends and even family, but you can talk to your boyfriend about it and ask him to limit how much he responds to her texts and emails if she's still contacting him all the time. If she's trying to get back with him, all you can do is make it clear to bf that you expect that he'll discourage her overtures to get into his life and reinforce to your social group and his family that he's with you now.
Is his family aware that he's not really friends with her any longer? Is there a possibility that they tolerate hanging out with her out of deference to him and his (assumed) friendship with her?
Most of all, don't let yourself get too caught up in this drama. She would love for you to turn into a jealous girlfriend who gets unhinged by her presence. Concentrate on enjoying your relationship and don't let her intrude into your brain space.
posted by quince at 1:13 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is his family aware that he's not really friends with her any longer? Is there a possibility that they tolerate hanging out with her out of deference to him and his (assumed) friendship with her?
Most of all, don't let yourself get too caught up in this drama. She would love for you to turn into a jealous girlfriend who gets unhinged by her presence. Concentrate on enjoying your relationship and don't let her intrude into your brain space.
posted by quince at 1:13 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I never understand what world everyone else lives in where you just keep hanging out with exes after breakups. I do not know anyone who does that! There is nothing wrong with wanting your boyfriend all to yourself, ESPECIALLY when the alternative is not just family and friends, but someone he used to have sex with and say "I love you" to. Maybe they can be friends a little later, but it sounds like this is relatively recent and there was never a cooling off period. Even if she doesn't want to get together, she might be thinking "well he was my best friend for x amount of time, we should still be best friends!" and every relationship is different, but that would still not be okay with me.
You're allowed to not be okay with this. If your boyfriend is okay with it, or if he even likes it, you're allowed to choose sanity and break up with him. If breaking up with him sounds more soul-crushing than being around the ex, then you'll stick it out until something changes. If I were you, I would avoid going the places she was going to be. I don't do well at the toughing-it-out or faking-it-til-i-make-it, so it would be too tough for me to sit through family AND an ex all at once. Yikes! Eventually he will decide he'd rather be with you, or that he really does enjoy the ex's company and maybe they were a pretty good match (which I agree with you, is probably what she hopes happens.). I know people have said, "She can't have what isn't being offered" but I disagree. Sometimes inertia is enough, and since she is already involved with his main social circle, I could see it just being easier for him to get back together with her. Yuck.
I don't envy your position (though I am clearly very envious, ha!)! Sorry! Hope it works out.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:19 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're allowed to not be okay with this. If your boyfriend is okay with it, or if he even likes it, you're allowed to choose sanity and break up with him. If breaking up with him sounds more soul-crushing than being around the ex, then you'll stick it out until something changes. If I were you, I would avoid going the places she was going to be. I don't do well at the toughing-it-out or faking-it-til-i-make-it, so it would be too tough for me to sit through family AND an ex all at once. Yikes! Eventually he will decide he'd rather be with you, or that he really does enjoy the ex's company and maybe they were a pretty good match (which I agree with you, is probably what she hopes happens.). I know people have said, "She can't have what isn't being offered" but I disagree. Sometimes inertia is enough, and since she is already involved with his main social circle, I could see it just being easier for him to get back together with her. Yuck.
I don't envy your position (though I am clearly very envious, ha!)! Sorry! Hope it works out.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:19 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I never understand what world everyone else lives in where you just keep hanging out with exes after breakups.
I think it's pretty common, but what do you suggest the ex-girlfriend do regarding mutual friends and her relationship with his family? Is it totally out of this world crazy for the ex to want to maintain relationships with her social circle after a break-up? Or should she be banished to the Island of Ex Girlfriends, never to cross paths with the OP's boyfriend ever again?
Look, I'd get it if the OP's boyfriend was in regular contact with ex, but it sounds like they run into each other at events, not like they are going on road trips and splitting entres and being besties.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:41 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think it's pretty common, but what do you suggest the ex-girlfriend do regarding mutual friends and her relationship with his family? Is it totally out of this world crazy for the ex to want to maintain relationships with her social circle after a break-up? Or should she be banished to the Island of Ex Girlfriends, never to cross paths with the OP's boyfriend ever again?
Look, I'd get it if the OP's boyfriend was in regular contact with ex, but it sounds like they run into each other at events, not like they are going on road trips and splitting entres and being besties.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:41 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this one seems pretty easy. First, stop beating yourself up about the way you feel. Talk to the BF and maybe he can more assertively discourage her from being there every single time (or not, which is valid and his prerogative, though that may change things for you).
And I think this is a long, long way from being breakup territory. Frankly, you'd be better off being shitty to her than breaking up with him (though this IS NOT my suggestion.)
posted by cnc at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2013
And I think this is a long, long way from being breakup territory. Frankly, you'd be better off being shitty to her than breaking up with him (though this IS NOT my suggestion.)
posted by cnc at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2013
I never know if I'm allowed to answer when people ask questions? Sorry if this is just making you hit the delete button, mods!
I don't think people should continue to hang out with their ex's family, out of respect for the ex and their new mate. If they are same-age family as opposed to parents that's slightly trickier, but the sibling or cousin should be socially aware enough to think "Hmmm they're broken up, this might be weird. I should ask how they feel, or plan things that are one-on-one for a while." I guess most people have cordial breakups, but that's totally foreign to me and if my family were hanging out with any of my exes we'd have a HUGE problem.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
I don't think people should continue to hang out with their ex's family, out of respect for the ex and their new mate. If they are same-age family as opposed to parents that's slightly trickier, but the sibling or cousin should be socially aware enough to think "Hmmm they're broken up, this might be weird. I should ask how they feel, or plan things that are one-on-one for a while." I guess most people have cordial breakups, but that's totally foreign to me and if my family were hanging out with any of my exes we'd have a HUGE problem.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
How often are you actually in social situations that involve this woman? I'm almost getting the picture that ALL your socializing involves your SO's family and friends, and that you aren't socializing as well with YOUR friends and family (the people you knew before your SO came into the picture). Are you counter-balancing all that time in SO's circle with time in your own? I think that would help keep you centered (and provide social outlets where this woman won't be hanging around like a bad smell).
Otherwise, I think you can count on time to do its magic. Once she pairs up with someone new, I doubt her new guy will be keen on mingling with your SO's friends and family, so there will hopefully be a natural tapering-off in her participation.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be the mythical Cool Girlfriend. It's OK to be annoyed and concerned about his ex. After all, *she's* not exactly being the Cool Chick here (backing off and gracefully allowing her ex guy to move on).
I like Ruthless Bunny's suggestion to get your SO on board with the secret hand-squeeze.
posted by nacho fries at 1:51 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Otherwise, I think you can count on time to do its magic. Once she pairs up with someone new, I doubt her new guy will be keen on mingling with your SO's friends and family, so there will hopefully be a natural tapering-off in her participation.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be the mythical Cool Girlfriend. It's OK to be annoyed and concerned about his ex. After all, *she's* not exactly being the Cool Chick here (backing off and gracefully allowing her ex guy to move on).
I like Ruthless Bunny's suggestion to get your SO on board with the secret hand-squeeze.
posted by nacho fries at 1:51 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, not a terrible thing to touch on some of the complicated logistics but, yeah, let's not get into an extended side-discussion here about exes in abstract and try to focus on the specific question.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:58 PM on October 22, 2013
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:58 PM on October 22, 2013
I am still friends with my junior-high ex-GF's mother. She's a wonderful lady. I don't dream of boinking her daughter anymore, and Mrs. Brownrd knows this.
posted by brownrd at 2:04 PM on October 22, 2013
posted by brownrd at 2:04 PM on October 22, 2013
She sounds pathetic. Just feel sorry for her.
My guess - based on the few facts at hand and, you know, life - is that she thinks or hopes she can "get" him back or maybe she has so little imagination sniffing around for crumbs is her only game plan.
If you had a friend who was acting like the ex, wouldn't you be embarrassed for her?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:11 PM on October 22, 2013
My guess - based on the few facts at hand and, you know, life - is that she thinks or hopes she can "get" him back or maybe she has so little imagination sniffing around for crumbs is her only game plan.
If you had a friend who was acting like the ex, wouldn't you be embarrassed for her?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:11 PM on October 22, 2013
Before i even start, i want to address the "cool girlfriend" thing. I think there's some weird expectation that gets driven into women by assholes that they're just supposed to put up with a completely unreasonable amount of stuff otherwise they're the "shitty jealous girlfriend". This gets reinforced over and over constantly in all corners of life. And then you end up in a situation like this that is rightfully making you feel squicky in your gut, but you're running in to the bowling lane bumper bars of "but oh noes! i have to be the cool girlfriend or i'm a ~terrible jealous bitch~! ignore it!". No. This is weird.
That said, i think some things are getting conflated and muddled here. "Common wisdom" kind of stuff getting slightly misheard, stretched, misinterpreted, whatever.
Yes, it's normal for people to potentially be friends with their exes or their exes to stay within the friend group.
My big question would be, what was their breakup like? Who initiated it? how adult and amicable was it? Your explanation of her contact* really made it sound like either he initiated the breakup and she took it hard and "refused to take no for an answer" in a somewhat subtle way, with an interlude of trying to actually move away with someone else that didn't work... or that she initiated it but regrets her decision.
Regardless of what happened there, i absolutely agree with your assessment that this doesn't pass the smell test. I've watched too many friends go through the situation where their ex makes a super effort to stay integrated into their close personal friend group, or friends with their parents and it got really awkward. And you know what the common denominator was every freaking time? They weren't over it, weren't letting go, and were determined to just keep being around and shoving themselves in their faces. I've watched this sort of thing destroy new relationships or potential relationships which usually seems to be the goal. Awkward out the new person so they can move back in.
This is not your battle to fight, this is your boyfriends battle. What i'm really curious about though more than anything else though, is how does he feel about this?. Every person i know whose been in this sort of "ex shows up at everything and acts super buddy buddy with everyone and peacocks around" sort of thing** has eventually either gotten really tired of it if they were totally over that person, or eventually fallen back into it. I'm not saying at all that i even suspect that here, more that i'd be surprised if it wasn't the former.
So really, the talk to have here is with him about "hey, this makes me uncomfortable and i frankly think it's kinda bizarre and possibly a bit dishonest in intention on her part. What do you think?" Or even just a totally open ended "hey, what do you think about how ex always shows up at everything and is still making an effort to be super buddy buddy with your family?". His reaction is really going to be what decides how to move forward from here.
The real problem is that if he agrees with you, then what the fuck do you do? It's not like you can just 86 her from everywhere you all usually go. I don't have a good answer to that part, but i pretty much just wanted to cover that yes this isn't a crazymaking or freaking "says more about you than about her because you're reading into her behavior and it probably means you would act that way" thing, it's absolutely a thing that happens***. And really, that you need to talk to your boyfriend about it because it might annoy him too. Just really listen to what he says.
*Note that my interpretation and everything i say from here forward is based on an extremely uncharitable "oh, i know this type" reading here that you can take or leave. I'm purely responding to how this all immediately sounded to me when i read it.
**Similarly, this is how it seems to you. And if he's been paying attention long enough for it to get to him, to him as well.
***and fuck, have i seen so much of this in my life. maybe it's the people i know? i have no idea, but reading your story i was like "OH HEY IT'S THAT SHIT, HI AGAIN THAT SHIT, NOT SO NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU".
posted by emptythought at 4:07 AM on October 23, 2013 [8 favorites]
That said, i think some things are getting conflated and muddled here. "Common wisdom" kind of stuff getting slightly misheard, stretched, misinterpreted, whatever.
Yes, it's normal for people to potentially be friends with their exes or their exes to stay within the friend group.
My big question would be, what was their breakup like? Who initiated it? how adult and amicable was it? Your explanation of her contact* really made it sound like either he initiated the breakup and she took it hard and "refused to take no for an answer" in a somewhat subtle way, with an interlude of trying to actually move away with someone else that didn't work... or that she initiated it but regrets her decision.
Regardless of what happened there, i absolutely agree with your assessment that this doesn't pass the smell test. I've watched too many friends go through the situation where their ex makes a super effort to stay integrated into their close personal friend group, or friends with their parents and it got really awkward. And you know what the common denominator was every freaking time? They weren't over it, weren't letting go, and were determined to just keep being around and shoving themselves in their faces. I've watched this sort of thing destroy new relationships or potential relationships which usually seems to be the goal. Awkward out the new person so they can move back in.
This is not your battle to fight, this is your boyfriends battle. What i'm really curious about though more than anything else though, is how does he feel about this?. Every person i know whose been in this sort of "ex shows up at everything and acts super buddy buddy with everyone and peacocks around" sort of thing** has eventually either gotten really tired of it if they were totally over that person, or eventually fallen back into it. I'm not saying at all that i even suspect that here, more that i'd be surprised if it wasn't the former.
So really, the talk to have here is with him about "hey, this makes me uncomfortable and i frankly think it's kinda bizarre and possibly a bit dishonest in intention on her part. What do you think?" Or even just a totally open ended "hey, what do you think about how ex always shows up at everything and is still making an effort to be super buddy buddy with your family?". His reaction is really going to be what decides how to move forward from here.
The real problem is that if he agrees with you, then what the fuck do you do? It's not like you can just 86 her from everywhere you all usually go. I don't have a good answer to that part, but i pretty much just wanted to cover that yes this isn't a crazymaking or freaking "says more about you than about her because you're reading into her behavior and it probably means you would act that way" thing, it's absolutely a thing that happens***. And really, that you need to talk to your boyfriend about it because it might annoy him too. Just really listen to what he says.
*Note that my interpretation and everything i say from here forward is based on an extremely uncharitable "oh, i know this type" reading here that you can take or leave. I'm purely responding to how this all immediately sounded to me when i read it.
**Similarly, this is how it seems to you. And if he's been paying attention long enough for it to get to him, to him as well.
***and fuck, have i seen so much of this in my life. maybe it's the people i know? i have no idea, but reading your story i was like "OH HEY IT'S THAT SHIT, HI AGAIN THAT SHIT, NOT SO NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU".
posted by emptythought at 4:07 AM on October 23, 2013 [8 favorites]
I never understand what world everyone else lives in where you just keep hanging out with exes after breakups. I do not know anyone who does that!
Man. I sometimes think the world is separated into People Who Stay Friends With Exes and People Who Don't. So much trouble gets caused by this stuff!
I am friends with almost all of my exes - including my Big Exes, exes I was desperately in love with. Even exes I was in love with after the breakup! The only time this ever led to anything, or that I wanted it to lead to anything, was when the ex was themselves wibbly about things.
No woman wants to "win back" a guy that isn't into them. Period. That is a world of suckitude. I have never even tried to "win back" a guy where the breakup was clear, even when I loved them desperately and hated the breakup. If a guy was, however, giving me signs - telling me he still loved me, that he missed our relationship, giving long lingering hugs and/or kisses - then there was "blood in the water", as it were.
If you trust your boyfriend, you have nothing to worry about.
And, as a data point, if you don't trust your boyfriend, it will destroy your relationship even if the girl has no intention of trying to get your boyfriend back. I had this situation - a close ex, we stayed friends, his mom and I were friends and we saw each other occasionally at group things. I had no ulterior motives at all. His girlfriend destroyed their relationship from jealousy - demanding he not talk to me, demanding he not see me. They are broken up now, largely because of the way she behaved.
posted by corb at 12:26 PM on October 23, 2013
Man. I sometimes think the world is separated into People Who Stay Friends With Exes and People Who Don't. So much trouble gets caused by this stuff!
I am friends with almost all of my exes - including my Big Exes, exes I was desperately in love with. Even exes I was in love with after the breakup! The only time this ever led to anything, or that I wanted it to lead to anything, was when the ex was themselves wibbly about things.
No woman wants to "win back" a guy that isn't into them. Period. That is a world of suckitude. I have never even tried to "win back" a guy where the breakup was clear, even when I loved them desperately and hated the breakup. If a guy was, however, giving me signs - telling me he still loved me, that he missed our relationship, giving long lingering hugs and/or kisses - then there was "blood in the water", as it were.
If you trust your boyfriend, you have nothing to worry about.
And, as a data point, if you don't trust your boyfriend, it will destroy your relationship even if the girl has no intention of trying to get your boyfriend back. I had this situation - a close ex, we stayed friends, his mom and I were friends and we saw each other occasionally at group things. I had no ulterior motives at all. His girlfriend destroyed their relationship from jealousy - demanding he not talk to me, demanding he not see me. They are broken up now, largely because of the way she behaved.
posted by corb at 12:26 PM on October 23, 2013
Oh - though I do think we need more data to figure out what the situation is like here and give good advice.
1) Who initiated the breakup?
2) How amicable was it?
3) If you were not in the picture, how would he want to be communicating with her?
posted by corb at 12:41 PM on October 23, 2013
1) Who initiated the breakup?
2) How amicable was it?
3) If you were not in the picture, how would he want to be communicating with her?
posted by corb at 12:41 PM on October 23, 2013
Look, you can't control what happens, you can only control how you feel and how you act. Your new boyfriend could pretend he doesn't care or hasn't entertained the idea of one day getting back w/her, but all you can do is figure out how not to let it worry you without making unreasonable demands.
Ultimately, decide if this bothers you too much. If it does, then nix the boyfriend and relationship. There's nothing wrong with not wanting the hassle.
posted by discopolo at 5:16 PM on October 25, 2013
Ultimately, decide if this bothers you too much. If it does, then nix the boyfriend and relationship. There's nothing wrong with not wanting the hassle.
posted by discopolo at 5:16 PM on October 25, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
People tend to think that everyone is like them: she knows that she'd try to winnow her way back into a relationship, so she thinks that all of his other exes were going to do the same thing.
If you trust him, then her behavior is nothing to worry about. If you don't, then there are bigger problems in your relationship than her.
posted by Etrigan at 10:44 AM on October 22, 2013 [11 favorites]