U-turn-u-like
April 17, 2009 4:18 PM Subscribe
I just over-disclosed to a work colleague - what now?
I was out for drinks wih people from work, as the night drew on it was just me and a colleague who I really like. We get on in a one-to-one scenario but we're acquaintances at best.
Anyway, we were all out for someone else's birthday and over the course of the evening I ended up drinking with this one colleague - he revealed a lot about a recent breakup and we had an initimate (non-romantic) vibe going on when I said something I shouldn't have. In illustrating a point I disclosed something about my past which he had no need to know and I had no grounds to reveal. It was something I've processed but as soon as it was out of my mouth I was like "shit! Too much information" and tried to skate past. He was very nice about the whole thing but I am mortified, I excused myself soon after and came home but now I'm really distressed. I was drunk and too upfront, how do I manage this? I want to crawl under a rock and stay there forever.
I'm not sure what to do now, do I ignore it and carry on as normal? Do I apologise to him on monday? Does this mean I'm not as ok about the facts as I thought I was? Any thoughts welcome.
I was out for drinks wih people from work, as the night drew on it was just me and a colleague who I really like. We get on in a one-to-one scenario but we're acquaintances at best.
Anyway, we were all out for someone else's birthday and over the course of the evening I ended up drinking with this one colleague - he revealed a lot about a recent breakup and we had an initimate (non-romantic) vibe going on when I said something I shouldn't have. In illustrating a point I disclosed something about my past which he had no need to know and I had no grounds to reveal. It was something I've processed but as soon as it was out of my mouth I was like "shit! Too much information" and tried to skate past. He was very nice about the whole thing but I am mortified, I excused myself soon after and came home but now I'm really distressed. I was drunk and too upfront, how do I manage this? I want to crawl under a rock and stay there forever.
I'm not sure what to do now, do I ignore it and carry on as normal? Do I apologise to him on monday? Does this mean I'm not as ok about the facts as I thought I was? Any thoughts welcome.
I'm not sure what to do now, do I ignore it and carry on as normal?
Yes. Life is built on fictions like this. I'd fight any desire you have to bring it back up if it's embarrassing as it seems to be.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:24 PM on April 17, 2009
Yes. Life is built on fictions like this. I'd fight any desire you have to bring it back up if it's embarrassing as it seems to be.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:24 PM on April 17, 2009
Bring it up. If it was a little shocking to him, he might want to talk about it with someone. Make sure it's you.
IMO, anything short of "I murdered my ex and got away with it" is a no-biggie. We all have secret skeletons.
You may have found yourself a better friend than you think.
posted by Acacia at 4:25 PM on April 17, 2009
IMO, anything short of "I murdered my ex and got away with it" is a no-biggie. We all have secret skeletons.
You may have found yourself a better friend than you think.
posted by Acacia at 4:25 PM on April 17, 2009
What booknerd said. There is insufficient information to answer this question.
posted by mullingitover at 4:36 PM on April 17, 2009
posted by mullingitover at 4:36 PM on April 17, 2009
I really think this depends on which switches are flipped on the following:
Y/N Illegal
Y/N Violent
Y/N Sexual
Y/N Medical
Y/N Work-related
Y/N You were the Agent of the incident
Y/N You were the Victim in the incident
Y/N Involves the person you've told directly
Y/N Involves the person you've told indirectly
Y/N One-time thing
Y/N Habitual thing
Y/N Still goes on
Y/N Ended/Stopped of your own volition
Y/N Required damage control
Y/N Required legal action
Y/N Took necessary and appropriate action
Y/N Involved alcohol
Y/N Involved drugs
Y/N Could get you fired
Also, what was his response??
In other words, please follow up with a mod to provide more context/information. :)
posted by iamkimiam at 4:43 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Y/N Illegal
Y/N Violent
Y/N Sexual
Y/N Medical
Y/N Work-related
Y/N You were the Agent of the incident
Y/N You were the Victim in the incident
Y/N Involves the person you've told directly
Y/N Involves the person you've told indirectly
Y/N One-time thing
Y/N Habitual thing
Y/N Still goes on
Y/N Ended/Stopped of your own volition
Y/N Required damage control
Y/N Required legal action
Y/N Took necessary and appropriate action
Y/N Involved alcohol
Y/N Involved drugs
Y/N Could get you fired
Also, what was his response??
In other words, please follow up with a mod to provide more context/information. :)
posted by iamkimiam at 4:43 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
We need more details. So far all we know is "Somebody said something to someone and now regrets it."
posted by jerseygirl at 4:47 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jerseygirl at 4:47 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Without more information, it just sounds like you're overthinking/overreacting. There's a big difference between: sounding more self-absorbed than you would have liked; saying something that's not a big deal to anyone but you; saying something kind of shocking but nothing anyone could do anything about; and saying something that would seriously damage your reputation or ability to do your job well. There's no way to tell from the information given where on the spectrum your incident falls.
posted by Nattie at 4:47 PM on April 17, 2009
posted by Nattie at 4:47 PM on April 17, 2009
"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross" said somebody at some point about needless worrying, and they are so right.
Whatever it is you are just a human, be glad to be here. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and carry on.
posted by pwally at 4:52 PM on April 17, 2009 [5 favorites]
Whatever it is you are just a human, be glad to be here. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and carry on.
posted by pwally at 4:52 PM on April 17, 2009 [5 favorites]
I do stupid shit like that all the time - with embarrassing information, that is, nothing illegal or anything.
Sometimes they remember, sometimes they don't. Either way, I never bring it up again. If they do, I'll shrug it off and joke about it. Don't act like it was a big deal and it won't be.
posted by edrnjevich at 4:57 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sometimes they remember, sometimes they don't. Either way, I never bring it up again. If they do, I'll shrug it off and joke about it. Don't act like it was a big deal and it won't be.
posted by edrnjevich at 4:57 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
follow-up from the OP
"The info revealed was about a pregnancy that didn't go full term"posted by jessamyn at 5:00 PM on April 17, 2009
i would say you don't do anything besides use htis as a lesson to illustrate that there is an amount you drink with close friends and an amount you drink with coworkers. don't get drunk enough around coworkers that you say something rashly.
if you guys find yourself in a personally (romantic or non) intimate situation again and you're feeling like it, say something like "hey, that thing i shared about my past isn't something i share with just anyone. my defenses were down due to how easily we talked (and the wine) and i mentioned it, but you understand that i'd rather it not get told anywhere else."
more than likely, unless he's a bible thumper, he won't really care about your overshare.
posted by nadawi at 5:06 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
if you guys find yourself in a personally (romantic or non) intimate situation again and you're feeling like it, say something like "hey, that thing i shared about my past isn't something i share with just anyone. my defenses were down due to how easily we talked (and the wine) and i mentioned it, but you understand that i'd rather it not get told anywhere else."
more than likely, unless he's a bible thumper, he won't really care about your overshare.
posted by nadawi at 5:06 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think this probably isn't as bad as you think; the information means a lot more to you than it does to your colleague, and he likely isn't giving it much thought, if any at all.
Just forget about it, ignore it, and don't bring it up again. Be cordial and natural next time you see him, like potentially embarrassing drunken confidences weren't exchanged, and any awkwardness you feel will eventually pass.
posted by JenMarie at 5:08 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Just forget about it, ignore it, and don't bring it up again. Be cordial and natural next time you see him, like potentially embarrassing drunken confidences weren't exchanged, and any awkwardness you feel will eventually pass.
posted by JenMarie at 5:08 PM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
I say a lot of stupid things too. If this guy has the least bit of common sense, he will understand the confidential nature of this info and never bring it up again or share it elsewhere. Yeah, so just carry on as normal.
posted by special-k at 5:12 PM on April 17, 2009
posted by special-k at 5:12 PM on April 17, 2009
I think I would apologize, in a matter-of-fact way, as in: "I'm sorry I revealed a little too much information to you the other night. It wasn't fair to burden you with a confidence like that, but I'd like to ask that you not tell anyone about it."
If he's a decent guy, he'll keep it quiet; if not, he won't. The situation you would be avoiding by talking to him is that he's a decent guy but thinks that it must be common knowledge if you told him, and so brings it up with others.
posted by palliser at 5:14 PM on April 17, 2009 [10 favorites]
If he's a decent guy, he'll keep it quiet; if not, he won't. The situation you would be avoiding by talking to him is that he's a decent guy but thinks that it must be common knowledge if you told him, and so brings it up with others.
posted by palliser at 5:14 PM on April 17, 2009 [10 favorites]
I want to retract my earlier comment (I suggested you talk to him about it). Another persons pregnancy issues are not something men commonly share with others. Chances are he empathizes, which might be the reason you felt so comfortable with him.
Be brave, and let it be.
posted by Acacia at 5:19 PM on April 17, 2009
Be brave, and let it be.
posted by Acacia at 5:19 PM on April 17, 2009
I feel so bad for you. I feel your pain with the regretting what you've said thing too. Don't you wish you could just take back that one minute? That said, you can't. I say, DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS. There's nothing you can say to soften the blow. The damage has already been done. Try to pretend like it never happened and if that means keeping your distance from your co-worker for a while, so be it. But don't you DARE mention this again to him!
posted by GeniPalm at 5:33 PM on April 17, 2009
posted by GeniPalm at 5:33 PM on April 17, 2009
"The info revealed was about a pregnancy that didn't go full term"
If it was your pregnancy, then you know, whatever. That was oversharing your medical and reproductive information with a colleague, but worse things have happened. Never mention it again.
If it was someone else's pregnancy, then you're an ass for sharing someone else's medical and reproductive information with someone who's a stranger to them, but worse things have happened. Never mention it again to the colleague, and never do it again out of respect for the person whose information you disclosed or else you're an asshole.
If it was the pregnancy of a third party known to both of you, you're a raging asshole and what you did was spectacularly inappropriate. However, least said, soonest mended, so never mention it again to the colleague. And do some work to figure out why you suck at respecting other people's privacy.
Are you getting the drift? Never mention it again.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:43 PM on April 17, 2009 [3 favorites]
If it was your pregnancy, then you know, whatever. That was oversharing your medical and reproductive information with a colleague, but worse things have happened. Never mention it again.
If it was someone else's pregnancy, then you're an ass for sharing someone else's medical and reproductive information with someone who's a stranger to them, but worse things have happened. Never mention it again to the colleague, and never do it again out of respect for the person whose information you disclosed or else you're an asshole.
If it was the pregnancy of a third party known to both of you, you're a raging asshole and what you did was spectacularly inappropriate. However, least said, soonest mended, so never mention it again to the colleague. And do some work to figure out why you suck at respecting other people's privacy.
Are you getting the drift? Never mention it again.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:43 PM on April 17, 2009 [3 favorites]
OP,
Find someone to talk to about the lost pregnancy, be it a friend or professional, because it sounds like you still have some stuff you need to process about it.
As to the work colleague, just pull him aside and ask that he not mention it to anyone and just drop it. Unless there's more to the story, there's nothing to apologize for, other than being too human.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:49 PM on April 17, 2009
Find someone to talk to about the lost pregnancy, be it a friend or professional, because it sounds like you still have some stuff you need to process about it.
As to the work colleague, just pull him aside and ask that he not mention it to anyone and just drop it. Unless there's more to the story, there's nothing to apologize for, other than being too human.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:49 PM on April 17, 2009
I came across something I felt was really helpful at the other Jessamyn West's page:
"It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own."
Just let it go. Everyone has a story, everyone has done something they're ashamed of, or uncomfortable about, or has had something happen that normally they wouldn't share. People (good people) understand that.
So, I'd say: ignore it and carry on as normal. In time you'll realise that not only will he ignore it too, he'll probably forget it was you.
posted by b33j at 5:51 PM on April 17, 2009 [4 favorites]
"It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own."
Just let it go. Everyone has a story, everyone has done something they're ashamed of, or uncomfortable about, or has had something happen that normally they wouldn't share. People (good people) understand that.
So, I'd say: ignore it and carry on as normal. In time you'll realise that not only will he ignore it too, he'll probably forget it was you.
posted by b33j at 5:51 PM on April 17, 2009 [4 favorites]
If you make a big deal out of it, he'll think it's a big deal and possibly tell someone else.
If you never mention it again he might possibly tell someone just because everyone talks about everything.
If you very casually mention to him "hey I'd appreciate it if that stayed between us, I was drunk and didn't meant to blurt that out" there's a chance he might think "oh, well it's not a big deal if she's so casual about it, and I might as well respect her request."
If you're all like "OMG OMG I'm mortified this is so horrible" he might think "wow she's right, this IS shocking information."
So I'd either ignore it completely and act like it's not big deal, or mention it to him casually, maybe as a joke, and make sure he thinks it's not big deal. He's more likely to forget about it soon if he doesn't think of it as a big deal.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:23 PM on April 17, 2009
If you never mention it again he might possibly tell someone just because everyone talks about everything.
If you very casually mention to him "hey I'd appreciate it if that stayed between us, I was drunk and didn't meant to blurt that out" there's a chance he might think "oh, well it's not a big deal if she's so casual about it, and I might as well respect her request."
If you're all like "OMG OMG I'm mortified this is so horrible" he might think "wow she's right, this IS shocking information."
So I'd either ignore it completely and act like it's not big deal, or mention it to him casually, maybe as a joke, and make sure he thinks it's not big deal. He's more likely to forget about it soon if he doesn't think of it as a big deal.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:23 PM on April 17, 2009
I don't think you even need to ask him not to say anything. Either he's normal and decent and would never betray a confidence about something like that, or he's a huge asshole who'll tell everyone whether you ask him to or not. It would be a waste of breath and a raking-over of an already awkward situation.
And I do think you're not over it and should talk to someone (appropriate) about it. "A pregnancy [whose?] that didn't go [involuntarily? by choice?] full term." You can barely bring yourself to anonymously give even the vaguest details about the situation.
posted by thebazilist at 8:30 PM on April 17, 2009
And I do think you're not over it and should talk to someone (appropriate) about it. "A pregnancy [whose?] that didn't go [involuntarily? by choice?] full term." You can barely bring yourself to anonymously give even the vaguest details about the situation.
posted by thebazilist at 8:30 PM on April 17, 2009
Most of the deep dark mortifying secrets of people that I have learned, are really only deep, dark, and mortifying to that person. We are super-sensitive to our own flaws, so if we have a doozy of one, it can be incomprehensibly vast to our estimation. But the thing is, other people don't care as much as we'd like to think, and in this case, that works for you.
If the person doesn't like you, or would want ammunition against you for some reason, then you may have given them that. But if you're not competitors, and all that your secret reveals is some big failing or flaw or stupidity on your part (eg you've been committed, or in jail, or attacked someone, or been a prostitute or something), it's likely just going to be a raised-eyebrow "I didn't know about THAT side of him/her", and not really anything more, and largely forgotten as it has little relevance to their dealings with you.
Exceptions would be if you hit a hot-button, such as coming out as gay to an over-devout biblical literalist, or you sell drugs to kids and the person you're talking too has kids.
But overall, my money is on your TMI being ten times bigger in your eyes than it is in the eyes of the listener. Without details, I can't advise, but based on my guess, I just wouldn't mention it again - let it fade.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:13 PM on April 17, 2009
If the person doesn't like you, or would want ammunition against you for some reason, then you may have given them that. But if you're not competitors, and all that your secret reveals is some big failing or flaw or stupidity on your part (eg you've been committed, or in jail, or attacked someone, or been a prostitute or something), it's likely just going to be a raised-eyebrow "I didn't know about THAT side of him/her", and not really anything more, and largely forgotten as it has little relevance to their dealings with you.
Exceptions would be if you hit a hot-button, such as coming out as gay to an over-devout biblical literalist, or you sell drugs to kids and the person you're talking too has kids.
But overall, my money is on your TMI being ten times bigger in your eyes than it is in the eyes of the listener. Without details, I can't advise, but based on my guess, I just wouldn't mention it again - let it fade.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:13 PM on April 17, 2009
Your anonymous follow up was vague as to whether this was a voluntary termination or you involuntarily lost the baby. (Geesh! I thought I had extreme privacy issues). So if my post is not on point, ignore it.
I had a party 6 months ago where my "newish" friend told a few of my older friends (who she had just met) that she had had an abortion in the past. I found out the next day when she told me how embarrassed she was for having made the disclosure.
No one who received the information has ever raised it with me in any way (i.e that they were shocked by the info or appalled that she over-revealed the info) and they are not the type to keep negative reactions to themselves. Rather, the only thing they have ever said was how great it was to meet her. They have even asked that I include her in other get togethers.
My point? Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. If it was an abortion, the only ones who are likely to judge you for it are rabid pro-lifers. If you lost the baby to a miscarriage, only the coldest and meanest of people could think less of you for that.
I agree with Harlequin and my money too "is on your TMI being ten times bigger in your eyes than it is in the eyes of the listener." I would let it fade.
posted by murrey at 3:55 AM on April 18, 2009
I had a party 6 months ago where my "newish" friend told a few of my older friends (who she had just met) that she had had an abortion in the past. I found out the next day when she told me how embarrassed she was for having made the disclosure.
No one who received the information has ever raised it with me in any way (i.e that they were shocked by the info or appalled that she over-revealed the info) and they are not the type to keep negative reactions to themselves. Rather, the only thing they have ever said was how great it was to meet her. They have even asked that I include her in other get togethers.
My point? Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. If it was an abortion, the only ones who are likely to judge you for it are rabid pro-lifers. If you lost the baby to a miscarriage, only the coldest and meanest of people could think less of you for that.
I agree with Harlequin and my money too "is on your TMI being ten times bigger in your eyes than it is in the eyes of the listener." I would let it fade.
posted by murrey at 3:55 AM on April 18, 2009
I think it depends on whose pregnancy didn't go to term. If it was your own, or that of a mutual friend, I would contact your acquaintance and apologize for over-sharing and ask him not to share that information with anyone else. This might be overkill, but some people might assume that you telling them this information is a request for sympathy/someone else to help spread the bad news (the latter only if your acquaintance is clueless, but still), and it would be awkward if your acquaintance started offering a shoulder to cry on/delivering casseroles. If the lost pregnancy belongs to someone that the acquaintance doesn't and won't know, I'd let it go and not mention it again if it makes you feel this bad.
posted by fermezporte at 5:19 AM on April 18, 2009
posted by fermezporte at 5:19 AM on April 18, 2009
I can't imagine this is about you having a miscarriage, because there's no reason why you would feel so totally embarrassed about having had a miscarriage. (If this is about you having had a miscarriage, seriously, it is not this kind of problem. It might have been a tiny bit of oversharing, but it's not going to haunt you in any way.)
So, then, I'm going to assume this is about you having had an abortion. Whether this is a huge issue pretty much depends on whether the person you overshared with is a) pro-choice or b) anti-abortion. If s/he's pro-choice, this is probably no big deal -- a little oversharing but not something that'll ever come up again, like a miscarriage. If it's b) there's a good chance you'd have heard about it at the time, especially if s/he's rabidly anti-abortion.
But if you've never before got the sense the your coworker had strong views on the subject, the likelihood is that this particular conversation did not make nearly the impression on him/her that it did on you. In reading this question, I was reminded of a bookclub meeting where one of the members commented on abortion from the perspective of someone who has had one, and I do remember that, but I can assure you that this is the first time in the intervening months that that aspect of the conversation has crossed my mind, even given that the discussion from that particular book club session has come up many times. A good number of people -- and an even larger number of people who were drunk at the time of the revelation -- take almost no notice of stuff like this, even when it seems momentous to the person saying it. Unless you got the impression that there was a strong reaction to the info, that's likely the case here, as well.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:43 AM on April 18, 2009
So, then, I'm going to assume this is about you having had an abortion. Whether this is a huge issue pretty much depends on whether the person you overshared with is a) pro-choice or b) anti-abortion. If s/he's pro-choice, this is probably no big deal -- a little oversharing but not something that'll ever come up again, like a miscarriage. If it's b) there's a good chance you'd have heard about it at the time, especially if s/he's rabidly anti-abortion.
But if you've never before got the sense the your coworker had strong views on the subject, the likelihood is that this particular conversation did not make nearly the impression on him/her that it did on you. In reading this question, I was reminded of a bookclub meeting where one of the members commented on abortion from the perspective of someone who has had one, and I do remember that, but I can assure you that this is the first time in the intervening months that that aspect of the conversation has crossed my mind, even given that the discussion from that particular book club session has come up many times. A good number of people -- and an even larger number of people who were drunk at the time of the revelation -- take almost no notice of stuff like this, even when it seems momentous to the person saying it. Unless you got the impression that there was a strong reaction to the info, that's likely the case here, as well.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:43 AM on April 18, 2009
He probably forgot and/or doesn't really care. Not that he's insensitive to how important the situation must be for whoever was actually in it, but he probably has his own life and concerns, and it's unlikely he went home that night thinking about yours.
Also, there is no way around this. The fact that you posted anonymously with not enough information, and then followed-up revealing almost nothing, illustrates that your idea of "oversharing" is unlikely to be in line with what most people here (especially here) consider to be "oversharing."
posted by bingo at 6:44 AM on April 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, there is no way around this. The fact that you posted anonymously with not enough information, and then followed-up revealing almost nothing, illustrates that your idea of "oversharing" is unlikely to be in line with what most people here (especially here) consider to be "oversharing."
posted by bingo at 6:44 AM on April 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
You probably feel like you overshared because of some subtle or not-so-subtle reaction on his part. If you felt like he understood and sympathized with you, you wouldn't have felt uncomfortable.
(although I agree with other comments, that you are the one who seems to have the issue with what was revealed)
What you do know depends on how you feel about what you shared. Our judgment is off when drinking, but most people are aware of that. He likely understands, and neither of you need to mention what happened.
Unless you don't trust him to keep it to himself - in which case you could do what palliser says.
posted by Locochona at 1:15 PM on April 18, 2009
(although I agree with other comments, that you are the one who seems to have the issue with what was revealed)
What you do know depends on how you feel about what you shared. Our judgment is off when drinking, but most people are aware of that. He likely understands, and neither of you need to mention what happened.
Unless you don't trust him to keep it to himself - in which case you could do what palliser says.
posted by Locochona at 1:15 PM on April 18, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by booknerd at 4:24 PM on April 17, 2009 [4 favorites]