Dream Job--Worst Possible Location?

March 30, 2009 11:25 PM

Theoretically, I have an interview tomorrow for a dream job. I have a unique combination of educational and professional qualifications that have basically tailor-made my experience to suit said job. It's a great opportunity. But there's a catch--of course.

Said job is located in Metropolis. I am currently living in College Town. Some background: About half a year ago now, I was in a serious, emotionally intense long-distance relationship with a man who lived in Metropolis. We had discussed the future and all that stuff. There were lofty expressions of love and devotion thrown around. There were also concrete, long-standing plans in place for me to move to Metropolis this spring so we could be together.

After a couple of months of problems, Metropolis Man broke things off, expressed a desire to start over as friends and see what might regrow between us (if anything), and swore his devotion to building said friendship from scratch. In the painful months that followed, as I'm sure you all might have guessed, Metropolis Man proceeded to repeatedly blow me off, play with my feelings in a less-than-compassionate way, sort of lead me on, and then basically cut me out of his life completely, to the point where we now don't really speak at all. I've come to terms with this. And I've been moving on with my own life since, putting my heart back together and looking for jobs basically everywhere but there.

Then I saw Perfect Job listed, sucked it up, told myself I was being silly and emotional for putting the advancement of my career second to nurturing/protecting hurt feelings, and made myself apply--career first, right? (Just for the record, I'm normally pretty level-headed and quick to pick myself up after the end of a relationship. This one obviously was a major bad deal and threw me for a loop. So this kind of tiptoeing around an ex is not something I am familiar with, or used to doing.)

Anyway, here's the kicker, proving that the universe has a sharp sense of humor: not only is said potential dream job located in Metropolis, but it turns out that is located in the aforementioned ex's neighborhood. Yes, really. I would basically risk running into him every single day, and spend every day in the neighborhood in which our relationship (and its painful demise) unfolded. Considering this problematic emotional location and the fact that Metropolis as a city in general has become a very painful place for me to even think about, I wouldn't even have applied in the first place before I even knew the specific neighborhood it was located in, but the job was seriously that perfect. Now that I'm faced with the prospect of actually getting on a plane to go to said city, set foot there, and walk on those familiar streets again tomorrow, I'm kind of freaking out.

My pragmatic career-minded girl side says that I shouldn't let the jerk who broke my heart stop me from interviewing for what sounds (on paper) like the perfect job for me. My emotional self who is fiercely protective of the progress I've made over the past several months getting over the honest-to-goodness trauma of the breakup (not crying as often anymore, getting back into dating, etc.) feels that, if I am sick to my stomach at even the thought of working in that neighborhood and living in the same city as said ex jerk, I should not make myself get on the plane tomorrow. My gut says to go easy on my heart, that there will be other job opportunities, and I shouldn't put my still-healing self in a potentially painful situation if I'm not up to it. But if I bow out now, listen to my heart and my gut and don't interview for this job, am I making a big mistake?

Thank you for reading all that, and for any advice you might be able to give. Questions/clarification requests can go to [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total)

Short answer: Cowgirl up and interview for the job. Get tougher. Dream job is more important than risk of heartbreak when you bump into him.

Long answer: Basically the same thing, but trust me: dream jobs are dream jobs. If you've gone this far, you clearly want it. Get it.

Personalized answer: I gave up a dream job over similar situations once. I regret it every goddamn day of my life.

Short answer, reprise: Cowgirl up and interview for he job. You'll do great, you'll get it, and wow will you feel fantastic.
posted by Damn That Television at 11:34 PM on March 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Are you willing to do this for one day and to give yourself a chance? It sounds like you might benefit from help dealing with issues regarding your breakup, although it's admirable that you've made progress so far. That's going to take time, though, and probably can't be done before you would have to start work there.

My gut, right now, tells me that you should find somewhere else to work. But your gut is the one you should be listening to, and if it's churning at the thought of not getting this job, you should get on the plane. Unless it's churning more at that alternative.

Don't overthink this one. I don't see a problem with interviewing, if you can pull it off comfortably. But it sounds like it would be erring on the side of absurdity (physical illness every day of work?!) if you simply resolved to take the job, especially without dealing with any issues you have. Don't overthink this.

On preview: Damn That Television may be right - if you really can steel yourself and just do it, then more power to you. It sounds to me, though, that that option isn't really available; that is, that there are serious negatives to taking the job.
posted by Picklegnome at 11:42 PM on March 30, 2009

Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it!

You can totally handle it. Bring sunglasses and wear them on the street so you fell like a ninja; buy awesome magazines and treats to eat & drink so walking or waiting on the street is a pleasant experience with lots of stuff to fiddle with, have coffee/lunch in a brand new restaurant you've never visited, dress like a million bucks and go get that job. You can totally do it. And if you get the job it won't be Metropolis Man's city & hood for more than a month or so; it will be re-labelled as Your Neighbourhood where you go to Your Job. And if you don't get the job treat yourself to something you've had an eye on as a reward for being a badass anyway.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:44 PM on March 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

I think you owe it to yourself, and the possibility of being incredibly happy and fulfilled at a dream job, to at least get on the plane tomorrow and interview. It could be the start of you creating your own memories in Metropolis without making a commitment right away.

Then, if you get the dream job, you can evaluate how painful it was to be back in Metropolis for the interview. I'm guessing if the job is truly as good as it seems, it'll be worth it to take it and create your life there.

And, avoid the jerk. You do not need him to transition to Metropolis and just because he lives there does not mean you need to contact him. Seriously, do not let him taint your possible new life.
posted by harrumph at 11:45 PM on March 30, 2009

Right now this breakup is a major feature of your life. But there will come a point in time where the pain of your breakup will be gone, you will cease to associate every nook an cranny of that neighborhood with a particular moment in your relationship, and running into your ex will be about as awkward as running into an old high school teacher that you didn't like. The future you will go weeks on end without thinking about that ill-fated relationship of the past. The you of today needs to do the you of the future a favor and go for that job
posted by bluejayk at 11:50 PM on March 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Definitely at least do the interview. That way, if you get an offer, you at least keep your options open.

Also, I don't know how big Metropolis is, but I live in a (very) large city - NYC - and know a fair number of people, and yet I seldom run into people I know on the street. Maybe that's a function of me not paying enough attention (though I don't think so), or just NYC's enormous size (more probably). So if Metropolis is pretty big, odds are you'll never see the guy.

Finally, I would add that in this economy, anyone able to find work - especially a "dream job," no less - should consider him or herself lucky and shouldn't pass up the opportunity.
posted by DavidNYC at 11:51 PM on March 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you've already committed to the interview, go to the interview. It's one day in that neighbourhood, and it will be a good opportunity to gauge just how visceral your emotional reaction will be to that neighbourhood and how well you would be able to handle working there. More importantly, if you ditch the interview at the last minute, you're burning that bridge. What if, in a few years, you decide you can handle that job after all and reapply for that firm, and they are reluctant to interview you because you ran out on them last time? As far as the interview is concerned, I'd say it's time to put on your best poker face and work your way through it.

In the interim, while you wait for results, it might be good to talk this over with friends, and see if they can help you work through some of the issues. What still upsets you? What kind of scars linger, and how might they be healed? Is it self-esteem? Or something else? etc.

I've been in similar situations before, and the way I see it is always that I don't want to give someone else that amount of power over me, that a past history of them adversely influences my entire future. I don't even give people I love that much power over me, so why should a douchebag get to decide where I work and live or not?

Good luck.
posted by Phire at 11:55 PM on March 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I once almost let a terrible breakup keep me out of NYC, the city I love and call home. I ended up meeting my wife and making my career here, and I shudder to think what would have happened if I had let one long-ago (and largely-forgotten) mess have such a lasting impact on my life by curtailing the opportunities I've had in the years since.

In short: It's going to be *your* neighborhood now, not his.
posted by anildash at 11:56 PM on March 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'd say that yes, you would be making a mistake if you decided not to go because of how you feel about a guy who happens to live in a place near this place you might want to work. Any guy who breaks your heart should be afraid to see you coming around the corner of his street, not the other way around. Do not cheat yourself out of a great opportunity because of what might or might not happen. Even if you interview, you may not get the job, and even if you get the job, you don't have to take it. Associations of places and things with pain grow nicely at a distance, but with exposure and time they do fade.

And really, supposing that the next time your heart is broken, the boy involved lives in your town, or neighborhood, or God forbid even works at the same company you do. Would you really give up your way of life in order to avoid him? I think you should treat this potential the same way.
posted by notquitemaryann at 11:57 PM on March 30, 2009

I once had to return to a City of Major Breakup for work. It was hard at first yes. It brought up some painful stuff. But ultimately I was glad for the opportunity to re-define that City and be able to be there and have a good time and that City didn't represent Breakup Land anymore.

If it's your dream job, do it. You will overwrite all that crap. You will and you deserve to.
posted by miles1972 at 11:59 PM on March 30, 2009

You know you should apply for this job, right? From reading your post, it sounds like you do know that.

A few reasons, from a heart-rather-than-career perspective:

- If you don't go after this job for this reason, you will always look back on this and think about how you let this jerk ruin a good opportunity, and you will regret it.

- As a corrollary, if you do get this job, and you do run into him, it will hurt, but it will also make your heart stronger. Right now you're afraid of what will happen when you see him because you don't know what will happen. But if you do see him, then you won't have to be afraid anymore, because you'll know.

- Right now you are idealizing him, which seems weird to say because you know what a jerk he is. But you're still remembering the good times, and wondering how he could have done this to you. But the more you see him, the more you'll be able to see him as just another guy. The first time you might yell at him and cry, the second time you might exchange icy greetings, and then the third time maybe you'll notice for the first time how his left eye is sort of funny looking, or how he walks like an old man, or whatever.

- Having your dream job will also give you more strength. It won't make your life perfect, but it will give you purpose and direction, especially in the beginning. You'll probably meet lots of other cool, like-minded people who are passionate about the same thing you are.

BTW, I don't think that's your gut speaking. For the longest time I would obey my fears, thinking it was my gut talking. After all, when you're afraid, you feel it in your stomach. It wasn't until recently that I realized the only way to actually hear my gut was to verbalize everything I was thinking about an issue. The best way to do this is with a friend who is very good at being objective, who can hear what you're saying and repeat it back to you without prejudice. I'm often shocked by how the process of doing this makes it so obvious what I really want, when before it seemed like a big muddle.

Oh, and I definitely understand what you're feeling, I've been there (so has almost everyone who has ever broken up with someone). It does pass.

Good luck with the interview!
posted by lunasol at 12:04 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you go and get yourself an awesome job, you'll reclaim the city and the neighborhood for your awesome self and your awesome future. If you go and the job turns out to be lame, then you can move forward not wondering what could have been.

As pseudo bistramus says, you will be like a ninja striding into the neighborhood to do your business, like the badass you are, and then striding back out unseen. You have shown you are tough enough to protect yourself from this guy, and now you are tough enough to go after what you want and reclaim your potential future, even though it means going back to this neighborhood.

What's a neighborhood anyway? Every neighborhood is a collection of buildings full of people who live there, who have joy and have sadness, and who move away. New people move into these buildings and start new lives. Every neighborhood is ready to mean something new to someone at any point in time.
posted by salvia at 12:10 AM on March 31, 2009

It's an interview. You're not moving to Metropolis yet. Think of it as a healing step in the entire process. If you get an offer, then you'll evaluate the situation again from a new point of view. Don't ever let someone stand in the way of your dreams. Cliche? Yes. True? Very.
Agree with harrumph, you don't need him to transition to Metropolis. Tell yourself he moved away and this is your city to explore and conquer. If the dream job is as great out in the real world as it is on paper, you'll make new friends and find new places to explore in Metropolis. Doesn't a teeny tiny part of you want to "make it big" with dream job and if you run into him, you casually say "oh, I forgot you lived here too." Good luck at the interview!
posted by MuckWeh at 12:29 AM on March 31, 2009

Screw this guy. How likely is it that you will run into this guy in a neighbourhood of a metropolitan city? Even if you run into him once in a year, and I don't know how probable that is, would it be so bad that it's worth passing on a dream job? My impression from your summary is that it would not.

Like it was said above, after a few weeks, it will be your neighbourhood. You are strong enough to handle passing him by on the street.
posted by jchgf at 12:43 AM on March 31, 2009

In addition to what everyone else said: You know, I work on the same *floor* as some people that I don't really see for six months at a time. I work in the same building as people that I don't see for years. Seriously, you probably won't even see the guy.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 1:13 AM on March 31, 2009

You are relatively young (I am guessing!) and probably don't know much about this yet, but as you age you begin to have these fantasies about what current-you would tell past-you if you had the chance to go back in time - not information about what the future holds, but a few "wise-up" tips to make some things a little easier.

Future you doesn't feel pain from this man, or even regret, really; future you finds it a little hard to believe you ever felt like you cared about him so much, and is so very, very glad that things worked out as they did and you didn't get stuck with him. Future you is grateful for what you learned from that painful incident, but that's about it. Future you would tell current you that though this guy and this emotional pain seem super significant now, one day - not even so long from now - it's all going to seem like a terribly minor footnote to your life. And? Future you would totally kick your ass if you ceded an opportunity like this.

Go. Take invisible Future You with you, and go.
posted by taz at 1:22 AM on March 31, 2009 [7 favorites]

I think you're overestimating the likelihood of running into him. I worked within a four block radius of my ex-boyfriend and my best friend's ex-boyfriend for four months and didn't run into either of them once. Hell, I've been trying to run into cute-guy-I'm-crushing-on for the past year in one small BUILDING, and I've had zero luck!

He's already done enough - don't let him take this away from you too. Remember, the best revenge is living well.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:36 AM on March 31, 2009

Think about it this way: if you were browsing AskMe and came across this question, what would you tell the OP?

Go for it!
posted by Xany at 1:53 AM on March 31, 2009

Do it. Job changes like this can have deeply profound and lasting positive influence on our lives, and can take you places, physically and mentally, that you would never expect.

It's an enormous cliche to say that time heals all wounds, but it's a cliche in part because it's true. I was in a series of slightly dysfunctional and one outright brain-breaker of a relationship which severely coloured my attitudes towards the places where they happened. However, now, when I go back to those places, I can barely remember them, just a few years on. My life has changed completely.

Don't pass this up for a relationship that's already over. Do you want to look back in twenty years (hell, even three years) and think 'hah, screw that manipulative arsehole, I took the best job I've ever had and took his city for my own' or 'I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone for that job'?

Do it, and lean on the MeFi community if you need to - I bet any number of MeFites can help you out via MeFiMail in bucking you up before you go, and how good is it going to feel in a couple of months to post an AskMe about which cool places to check out in Metropolis? Maybe even a meetup!

Finally, from a purely mercenary and practical standpoint - how often do interviews come up in an economy like this one, let alone for dream jobs? You're shooting yourself in the foot financially for years to come if you don't go for this job, because by going for it now, when the economy is screwed, you could potentially have a heap of experience and be a trusted and valued asset to the company. Compare that to continuing to work where you are and trying for a dream job sometime in the future.

Oh, and find some way to update please!
posted by Happy Dave at 3:18 AM on March 31, 2009

He may leave Metropolis and move to where you live now.
posted by matholio at 3:18 AM on March 31, 2009

If you stop going to places where ex-boyfriends live, you're not going to have many places left to go to later in your life.

Your future is more too important for this to let it stop you.
posted by DreamerFi at 3:26 AM on March 31, 2009

I work in the same neighborhood where an ex I do not want to run in to lives, in a major metropolitan city. I have never run in to her. Sure I think about it now and then, but at the end of the day I actually like my job (and when does that happen?) and mostly just enjoy the commute, local coffee shops, and if and when I do run in to her - I'll deal with it. Just like you do when you get your dream job - go for it.

- oh one piece of (small) advice - when you get this awesome position make sure to invite friends to lunch in the neighborhood or for drinks so you can more emotionally own the area. Good luck -
posted by RajahKing at 4:28 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Millions of people break up with lovers in the same city they are already in. They just remake the place as their own. You can, too. Plus, I live in the same neighborhood as several dear friends and I can count on my hands the times I've run into them accidentally in the past twenty years. That's the thing about 'Metropolis'-- as a class, it's pretty big. You cannot let this guy own an entire city to the extent that he keeps you out of it.

Plus, at worst, it's an interview right now not a job. One step at a time. If you do see Metropolis Jerk, I would recommend vaguely surprised recognition-- "oh, Joe, hey. I'll call you sometime" as you walk purposefully past. Or stand there chatting while continually checking the time. Vague smile, gotta go. (Then don't answer if he calls to find out what the hell is going on. This could actually be fun. )

Plus, believe it or not, Dream Men are not all they are cracked up to be. Dream Jobs are few and far between.

Good luck!
posted by nax at 4:43 AM on March 31, 2009

So I once took a job in a Major Metropolis and then found out that My Secret Crush (a friend of a friend) worked in a very nearby building and lived nearby as well. I ate out at lunch and did my errands near the office as I am wont to do and do you know in 2 YEARS I NEVER EVER saw Crush Boy despite looking for him.

Do it. Take the jobif it's offered. You may not even see MM ever. And maybe when you do, you will be so busy with Fabulous Job and a Hot New Dude, you will only stop to say the briefest hello.
posted by pointystick at 5:56 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh Jesus, he's cost you enough, right? Don't let him cost you this too. Go.
posted by 8dot3 at 6:03 AM on March 31, 2009

I wouldn't be living up to my name if I didn't suggest that perhaps the Universe is giving you a wonderful opportunity to face all your fears and concerns and get right through them. If it's offered, take it. You'll be fine in no time.
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:19 AM on March 31, 2009

I think you're overestimating the likelihood of running into him.

Me too. I live in the same house as my landlady and I almost never run into her. My good friend works four cubicles away--I have to make a point of going to say hi to him! And, closer to your circumstances, there's a guy I went to college with--I know from Facebook that he works in a building near my building, in the same neighborhood in Manhattan. We've worked in nearby buildings for the past four years. I have never once seen him on the street. Also, my sister lives, works, and goes to school five blocks from my work building, and has for almost four years. Never have run into her without planning it. (On top of that, all three of us work in the same industry, at companies affiliated with one another).

Could you run into him? Sure. Despite all the above, the other day I walked into an art gallery I didn't know existed, in a neighborhood I've never been to, that I didn't plan to go to, and ran right into someone I know from work.

But what I'm trying to say is that this is a small thing. Dream job is a big thing, moving cities is a big thing, the slight possibility of running into an ex is a small thing. Tiny. Miniscule.

Plus, fuck him. If you get this job, and take it, and move to a new city, and have an awesome new life, then you run into him? So what? You have a dream job in a new city and an awesome new life. Fuck him.
posted by lampoil at 7:33 AM on March 31, 2009

It's your ex FFS! By definition this person has abrogated any right to have an effect on your life. Certainly they have no right to influence your career decisions.
posted by majick at 8:03 AM on March 31, 2009

Living well is the best revenge. In a short while, you won't care enough to be bothered by the possibility of encountering him, if you remember him at all.
posted by _Skull_ at 8:04 AM on March 31, 2009

As time passes and the memories associated with him fade, you will be so glad you went for it. Best Wishes.
posted by agentwills at 8:24 AM on March 31, 2009

Oh holy crap, you need to go to the INTERVIEW! Go and actually get the job first!

Mean boys don't get to stand in the way of dream jobs. You're starting to date again, so it sounds like you're ready for this. I recommend a hearty dose of Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine album and a new attitude of "You broke my heart, but you better watch out, because here comes a better version of me!"
posted by heatherann at 8:35 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Please go to the interview, give it your all, and if an appealing job offer comes your way, by all means, take it. If after giving it a go for a few months, it really isn't working out, you can always begin another job search and transition to another city.

I have been through painful breakups, and I have had incredibly painful memories very specifically tied to a geographic location, so I by no means am minimizing how difficult this may be for you. In fact, I'm living in a place right now that I can't wait to leave for similar reasons, but I've also been here for almost three years, and I have had some wonderful times. It doesn't change my ultimate decision not to settle here forever, but it doesn't mean I haven't been happy part of the time either or haven't had some very important experiences that I would not have had elsewhere.

I think not pursuing this opportunity solely because of how you might feel once you're living in the situation has a great deal of potential to leave you with regrets. If it doesn't work out, then you can always make a change and move on, but if you don't try, you'll never know and might be plagued with what-ifs. I think that would have a far greater impact on your life as a whole than the turmoil this breakup has brought. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 9:52 AM on March 31, 2009

Get the job. Run into him randomly. Blow him off.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 10:13 AM on March 31, 2009

OP, I wanna know what happened today! Memail someone (a mod, or you can use me if you like, I'll take your identity to the grave) and give us a follow-up that we can post here, huh? This thread is such a girl anthem, it needs closure!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:18 AM on March 31, 2009

You'll get over the guy, why put him before your happiness and future success? A shrink might say not going to the interview is self-sabotaging. You're adjustable, people break up all the time, you will have lots of people come and go in your life, this is completely normal and you can't organize your life, happiness, what you want, desires, loves around someone who isn't even in your life anymore. Give yourself the chance to grow, live with courage. We're all afraid of things, but what makes successful people is that they get back up, they face the next day. You know that the only difference between successful and non-successful people is that successful people have more failures and hardship? They get back up. Life is too hard, this is nothing, you can do it. You have a chance at a job at all in this economy--there are more important things. Prioritize. Give yourself a chance.
posted by scazza at 10:40 AM on March 31, 2009

And there really are worse possible locations. A warzone perhaps. Iraq. Antarctica.
posted by scazza at 10:42 AM on March 31, 2009

My pragmatic career-minded girl side says that I shouldn't let the jerk who broke my heart stop me from interviewing for what sounds (on paper) like the perfect job for me.

That side sounds awesome and you should listen to it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:55 AM on March 31, 2009

So... every single day, you're going to have a possible opportunity to show this guy that you have a great life, with a dream job, and none of this has anything to do with him?

That you've totally left him in the dust?

That you now own what used to be his neighborhood?

Cool.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:17 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

I just ran into an ex at a wedding, where said ex seriously broke my heart about 1.5 yrs ago. And, you know what? It wasn't painful at all. A little awkward, but not terribly, and actually kind of friendly.

Admittedly, that's a longer time than in your case, but it might be a helpful data point at least.

Which is, obviously, my way of starting to say: go for it already.

Here's another data point: the economy sucks. Good jobs aren't that common in any field.

And another: regret sucks. And a good job is really, really important, considering how much of your time you spend there.
posted by paultopia at 12:15 PM on March 31, 2009

If you don't apply for the job because of the ex-, you'll always feel bad about it, and it will make your sad feelings about the breakup worse.
posted by theora55 at 2:02 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]