Impulses - to avoid or to destroy?
March 24, 2009 3:32 PM Subscribe
Am I hurting myself by just ignoring angry, violent impulses that I have, or are these impulses normal and something healthy people have and ignore?
My life is very stressful and I frequently (multiple times a day) have impulses to smash shit or lash out at people. Like if I am walking in a huge rush I will feel like pushing a slow walker out of my way, and when my husband comes in and asks about dinner while I am still frantically working I will feel like saying 'fuck dinner,' how can you think about dinner?
He's sitting there peacefully laughing and smiling at a video game and I feel like asking him to hide his peace and happiness because he doesn't know how to share it. I'm deliberately NOT doing that because I know it is WRONG.
I guess the reason for the nasty impulses is because I am a person with pretty strong anxiety and depresion trying to achieve and do well on my own, and I am in a very very difficult and responsible job, and am trying to succeed and be a normal person, but most folk (including my husband) don't recognise that this is a very hard effort for me, and take my hard fought semblance of normality for granted.
Anyway, I haven't acted on such an impulse for over seven years and doubt that I will ever do it again. But I still have them, and they get worse when I am really stressed out.
When I do get the impulse what basically comes out of my rational mind is a note that "no, you are not allowed to do that, it will just make things worse."
The stress won't be going away for at least a few more years.
I have a few questions:
Are these impulses normal - something everybody gets?
Am I doing the right thing by ignoring them? Or am I building up some count on some ticker somewhere that is going to make me blow?
Is there a way to make them go away? Will they go away on their own?
I understand this is a delicate issue for some people, and Im posting as myself so people can mefi-mail me if they choose (or, send an anonymous email to the address in my profile). I'm also posting as myself because I put forward somewhat of a together image recently here (and in my meatspace life) and I think it's important for people who are struggling more visibly to know that I am struggling, too.
An aside: I am not in therapy or medication at the moment, for the reason that the way I am - the way my nature is - is that it is very, very hard for me to undertake such self improvement work without my partner being on side. When I went to therapy before he asked how it went but just wasn't willing to be a partner in change, you know? He sort of doubts the entire discipline of mental health exists, I think. I jut can't do it without my close family and friends at least being a little aware and actively interested, you know? I'll give an analogy: my friend Brian got hit by a train and his back's broken. I'm always asking how he is and how his physical therapy is going, and I'm genuinely interested in it as a part of his life and a process. I ain't his physical therapist, but I'm interested and engaged and present to it.
Believe it or not, I've actually invented a sort of 'imaginary friend' for myself, a figure in my life who plays a role nobody is really playing for me right now that's pretty important - i.e. when resisting one of these impulses I am doing it for myself and for this friend. It's in the hope that some day, someone already in my life or maybe a new person will be able to be that kind of friend for me. I'm not sure this is necessarily healthy, though.
If you have any recommendations on this second issue I am really eager to hear them, too.
Thanks as always for your compassionate and good advice.
My life is very stressful and I frequently (multiple times a day) have impulses to smash shit or lash out at people. Like if I am walking in a huge rush I will feel like pushing a slow walker out of my way, and when my husband comes in and asks about dinner while I am still frantically working I will feel like saying 'fuck dinner,' how can you think about dinner?
He's sitting there peacefully laughing and smiling at a video game and I feel like asking him to hide his peace and happiness because he doesn't know how to share it. I'm deliberately NOT doing that because I know it is WRONG.
I guess the reason for the nasty impulses is because I am a person with pretty strong anxiety and depresion trying to achieve and do well on my own, and I am in a very very difficult and responsible job, and am trying to succeed and be a normal person, but most folk (including my husband) don't recognise that this is a very hard effort for me, and take my hard fought semblance of normality for granted.
Anyway, I haven't acted on such an impulse for over seven years and doubt that I will ever do it again. But I still have them, and they get worse when I am really stressed out.
When I do get the impulse what basically comes out of my rational mind is a note that "no, you are not allowed to do that, it will just make things worse."
The stress won't be going away for at least a few more years.
I have a few questions:
Are these impulses normal - something everybody gets?
Am I doing the right thing by ignoring them? Or am I building up some count on some ticker somewhere that is going to make me blow?
Is there a way to make them go away? Will they go away on their own?
I understand this is a delicate issue for some people, and Im posting as myself so people can mefi-mail me if they choose (or, send an anonymous email to the address in my profile). I'm also posting as myself because I put forward somewhat of a together image recently here (and in my meatspace life) and I think it's important for people who are struggling more visibly to know that I am struggling, too.
An aside: I am not in therapy or medication at the moment, for the reason that the way I am - the way my nature is - is that it is very, very hard for me to undertake such self improvement work without my partner being on side. When I went to therapy before he asked how it went but just wasn't willing to be a partner in change, you know? He sort of doubts the entire discipline of mental health exists, I think. I jut can't do it without my close family and friends at least being a little aware and actively interested, you know? I'll give an analogy: my friend Brian got hit by a train and his back's broken. I'm always asking how he is and how his physical therapy is going, and I'm genuinely interested in it as a part of his life and a process. I ain't his physical therapist, but I'm interested and engaged and present to it.
Believe it or not, I've actually invented a sort of 'imaginary friend' for myself, a figure in my life who plays a role nobody is really playing for me right now that's pretty important - i.e. when resisting one of these impulses I am doing it for myself and for this friend. It's in the hope that some day, someone already in my life or maybe a new person will be able to be that kind of friend for me. I'm not sure this is necessarily healthy, though.
If you have any recommendations on this second issue I am really eager to hear them, too.
Thanks as always for your compassionate and good advice.
Well, I'm mostly normal and I get nasty and violent impulses too. Sometimes they even manifest, especially under extreme stress and fatigue. (Examples: A couple weeks ago, as posted on a recent Ask MeFi question, I smashed a window blind because I couldn't get my makeshift heat curtain back up, and recently I gave my phone at work a good solid thumping because I was having issues dialing.) Usually, when those impulses it, I tell myself basically what you say: "no, you are not allowed to do that, it will just make things worse." Not that phrasing, but close. Usually more profanity.
I think the best things to do are find stress relievers. I used to love playing first-person shoot 'em ups on God Mode just to feel some release. Blasting a bunch of pixelated monsters is better than popping one of my coworkers on the nose... or my boss. More recently, I've taken to just putting on my favorite record, having a nip of something alcoholic, or venting my spleen upon my girlfriend. Try things like that before you go hit the shrink or the meds. Maybe get a punching bag.
posted by SansPoint at 3:43 PM on March 24, 2009
I think the best things to do are find stress relievers. I used to love playing first-person shoot 'em ups on God Mode just to feel some release. Blasting a bunch of pixelated monsters is better than popping one of my coworkers on the nose... or my boss. More recently, I've taken to just putting on my favorite record, having a nip of something alcoholic, or venting my spleen upon my girlfriend. Try things like that before you go hit the shrink or the meds. Maybe get a punching bag.
posted by SansPoint at 3:43 PM on March 24, 2009
Have you ever tried group therapy? I can only speculate, but if you feel that for therapy to "work" for you, you need the support of your peers, perhaps being in a group setting would make you feel that support?
Have you asked for the support you want from your partner as explictly as you have stated this question? Have you had an open and unambiguous conversation with your partner in which you told him that you did not feel that he was "on your side?" I ask because it is so incredibly hard to ask for help, and yet sometimes that is the only way to get it. Some people really do need you to spell out for them exactly what it is that you need from them. But, once you do, they give it to you.
For what it's worth, most things don't go away on their own. It's usually necessary to make a change. You deserve to be happy. I wish you success in finding and making the changes you need to feel better.
posted by prefpara at 3:43 PM on March 24, 2009
Have you asked for the support you want from your partner as explictly as you have stated this question? Have you had an open and unambiguous conversation with your partner in which you told him that you did not feel that he was "on your side?" I ask because it is so incredibly hard to ask for help, and yet sometimes that is the only way to get it. Some people really do need you to spell out for them exactly what it is that you need from them. But, once you do, they give it to you.
For what it's worth, most things don't go away on their own. It's usually necessary to make a change. You deserve to be happy. I wish you success in finding and making the changes you need to feel better.
posted by prefpara at 3:43 PM on March 24, 2009
I found hitting golf balls at a local range (Chelsea Piers) to be amazingly therapeutic. SMACK. Hell yes. I got out aggression I didn't know I had. A punching bag is a good idea as well. I'm definitely a proponent of therapy ( and struggle with anxiety and depression) but sometimes it is good to just whack out the stress. I also commend you for posting as yourself. Yes, it's a personal choice to be semi public with these things, but they're so much more common than anyone thinks and it's a real step to help destigmatize.
posted by sweetkid at 3:46 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by sweetkid at 3:46 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Everyone has angry thoughts and feelings on occasion. It's perfectly normal, and in most cases, doesn't mean that there's anything seriously wrong other than momentary stress or anger. However, it sounds from your question as though these thoughts and feelings are distressing to you, particularly because you feel that they occur frequently enough to disrupt your life. It's that distress that is the problem.
I would recommend therapy. Go in, talk to a therapist, and specifically tell the therapist that you have trouble staying motivated to work long-term on your problems. Ask your therapist to help you come up with ways to support your own self-discovery process. Learning to make a commitment to yourself and stick with it just because you want to and feel it's good for you will be a great skill to master, and it'll help you conquer not only this issue, but any others that may come up in your life.
posted by decathecting at 3:46 PM on March 24, 2009
I would recommend therapy. Go in, talk to a therapist, and specifically tell the therapist that you have trouble staying motivated to work long-term on your problems. Ask your therapist to help you come up with ways to support your own self-discovery process. Learning to make a commitment to yourself and stick with it just because you want to and feel it's good for you will be a great skill to master, and it'll help you conquer not only this issue, but any others that may come up in your life.
posted by decathecting at 3:46 PM on March 24, 2009
There are so many issues going on here I don't know where to start.
None of this sounds healthy, and I wouldn't characterize any of it as "normal". Not your "impulses," not your handling of them, not the way you perceive your relationship with your spouse, not making up voices in your head.
Especially not that last bit. Seriously.
Get. Help.
If you're plagued by anger, make that an issue with your counselor. If you're having trouble dealing with the stress in your life, make that an issue with your counselor. If you're struggling with depression, make that an issue with your counselor. If you're having trouble with your spouse, make that an issue with your counselor. You get the idea.
Not think you're able to do this without your spouse is not an obstacle which needs to be navigated around. It's part of the freaking problem. All throughout your post are signs that even if your relationship appears to be healthy, things aren't well between you. Your husband's unwillingness to "be an agent of change" is no excuse for not doing something. If pointing to the other person in a relationship was a legitimate move, no one would ever change or grow, because they'd be waiting for someone else to do it first. If anything, that kind of dependence is pretty unhealthy in and of itself.
You need to take the initiative here and seek the kind of professional help you so desperately need. I don't know if that's going to take the form of a religious mentor or mental health professional, but it really does need to be something.
I say again: get help.
posted by valkyryn at 3:51 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
None of this sounds healthy, and I wouldn't characterize any of it as "normal". Not your "impulses," not your handling of them, not the way you perceive your relationship with your spouse, not making up voices in your head.
Especially not that last bit. Seriously.
Get. Help.
If you're plagued by anger, make that an issue with your counselor. If you're having trouble dealing with the stress in your life, make that an issue with your counselor. If you're struggling with depression, make that an issue with your counselor. If you're having trouble with your spouse, make that an issue with your counselor. You get the idea.
Not think you're able to do this without your spouse is not an obstacle which needs to be navigated around. It's part of the freaking problem. All throughout your post are signs that even if your relationship appears to be healthy, things aren't well between you. Your husband's unwillingness to "be an agent of change" is no excuse for not doing something. If pointing to the other person in a relationship was a legitimate move, no one would ever change or grow, because they'd be waiting for someone else to do it first. If anything, that kind of dependence is pretty unhealthy in and of itself.
You need to take the initiative here and seek the kind of professional help you so desperately need. I don't know if that's going to take the form of a religious mentor or mental health professional, but it really does need to be something.
I say again: get help.
posted by valkyryn at 3:51 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.—HL Mencken.
You're asking whether you're going to wake up one day and find yourself on a plane sitting next to Tyler Durden, thinking about what kind of automatic pistol to bring into work, right? Without knowing more about the strength and intensity of your violent impulses, which is something really only you and a mental health practitioner can discuss, it's difficult to say.
I think everyone gets the urge to behave extremely antisocially at times, but it's strictly a matter of degrees. As you say, we have important social rules that stop us from killing anyone who looks at us cockeyed, or even just snapping unreasonably at people we love.
I whistle the Internationale on my way into work, gleefully, looking forward to the day the last capitalist is strangled with the guts of the last middle-manager. Doesn't make me a monster.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:53 PM on March 24, 2009 [14 favorites]
Actually, venting can make anger worse-- people aren't steam engines and anger isn't something that sits there waiting to be released and exploding at some point if it doesn't. there's a bunch of research on this now but hitting pillows and stuff like that seems to make people more angry, not less.
that said, you do need social support and it sounds like you are not getting it. i don't think most people have anger at that level that bothers them the way its bothering you and depression often manifests as anger. i do think explicitly telling your partner that you are having a hard time and need support is worth it. if they don't believe in therapy, that's fine-- but you are trying something to see if it works for you and they can attack therapy in other contexts, right now, that's not what you need.
so i would nth the therapy suggestions -- one of the points of therapy is to get support *when you aren't getting it elsewhere*. If other people don't support you in that, that's their problem-- you might need to make friends who *do* support you. i would use the physical injury analogy with people, in fact.
posted by Maias at 3:57 PM on March 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
that said, you do need social support and it sounds like you are not getting it. i don't think most people have anger at that level that bothers them the way its bothering you and depression often manifests as anger. i do think explicitly telling your partner that you are having a hard time and need support is worth it. if they don't believe in therapy, that's fine-- but you are trying something to see if it works for you and they can attack therapy in other contexts, right now, that's not what you need.
so i would nth the therapy suggestions -- one of the points of therapy is to get support *when you aren't getting it elsewhere*. If other people don't support you in that, that's their problem-- you might need to make friends who *do* support you. i would use the physical injury analogy with people, in fact.
posted by Maias at 3:57 PM on March 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
baseball bat ---> tree
axe ---> log
dart ---> board
voodoo ---> doll
shooting ---> range
punching ---> bag
pie ---> mouth
Your reactions are perfectly normal. Find the outlet for stress that suits you best.
On the second point, continue the effort to get your husband involved in your own health. If he continues to demure, find someone in his inner circle to enlist in your effort to involve him... for example, his mother or someone else very close to him.
Grace I know you have worked very, very hard at all this for a long time now and you have made gigantic strides. Keep at it. Like everyone told you in the beginning, finding serenity doesn't happen overnight. It's an ongoing process. You are doing very well.
posted by netbros at 3:59 PM on March 24, 2009
axe ---> log
dart ---> board
voodoo ---> doll
shooting ---> range
punching ---> bag
pie ---> mouth
Your reactions are perfectly normal. Find the outlet for stress that suits you best.
On the second point, continue the effort to get your husband involved in your own health. If he continues to demure, find someone in his inner circle to enlist in your effort to involve him... for example, his mother or someone else very close to him.
Grace I know you have worked very, very hard at all this for a long time now and you have made gigantic strides. Keep at it. Like everyone told you in the beginning, finding serenity doesn't happen overnight. It's an ongoing process. You are doing very well.
posted by netbros at 3:59 PM on March 24, 2009
I am not in therapy or medication at the moment, for the reason that the way I am - the way my nature is - is that it is very, very hard for me to undertake such self improvement work without my partner being on side. When I went to therapy before he asked how it went but just wasn't willing to be a partner in change, you know?
Yeah, I know that these sorts of people exist, but you know what else? You are using that as an excuse to not undertake therapy for yourself. The thing is, you do have the capacity to do all the hard work involved in therapy -- and as a therapy veteran, I can tell you: it is hard work -- whether or not your spouse supports you. Of course, I certainly understand that it would be preferable for him to support you. But the fact that it may be harder to do without his support (and the possibility that his lack of support may actually be an indicator of a fundamental problem in your relationship) doesn't mean it's literally impossible.
BTGoG, you have posted a number of times about the challenges and pain you're facing, and I feel for you deeply (and commend you for your honesty). But you have choices -- choices that are yours and yours alone to make. By making this a matter of "I can't go get therapy because my husband doesn't support me," you willingly paint yourself into a corner. This kind of active helplessness undermines your quest for happiness, because you transfer the burden of responsibility onto someone else's shoulders.
I know you're hurting. If you wait for someone else to give you the green light to do everything you can to work through that hurt, though, you'll be waiting a lifetime. I know you don't deserve that.
posted by scody at 4:04 PM on March 24, 2009 [26 favorites]
Yeah, I know that these sorts of people exist, but you know what else? You are using that as an excuse to not undertake therapy for yourself. The thing is, you do have the capacity to do all the hard work involved in therapy -- and as a therapy veteran, I can tell you: it is hard work -- whether or not your spouse supports you. Of course, I certainly understand that it would be preferable for him to support you. But the fact that it may be harder to do without his support (and the possibility that his lack of support may actually be an indicator of a fundamental problem in your relationship) doesn't mean it's literally impossible.
BTGoG, you have posted a number of times about the challenges and pain you're facing, and I feel for you deeply (and commend you for your honesty). But you have choices -- choices that are yours and yours alone to make. By making this a matter of "I can't go get therapy because my husband doesn't support me," you willingly paint yourself into a corner. This kind of active helplessness undermines your quest for happiness, because you transfer the burden of responsibility onto someone else's shoulders.
I know you're hurting. If you wait for someone else to give you the green light to do everything you can to work through that hurt, though, you'll be waiting a lifetime. I know you don't deserve that.
posted by scody at 4:04 PM on March 24, 2009 [26 favorites]
An ex-girlfriend of mine was also prone to physical aggression and violent impulses (and had them much less under control than you do). Some tests showed that she had an unusually high level of testosterone, which may have been a contributory factor.
I expect this has no bearing on your situation, but it may be worth getting your hormone levels checked, particularly if you spot any other symptoms associated with excessive testosterone.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 4:09 PM on March 24, 2009
I expect this has no bearing on your situation, but it may be worth getting your hormone levels checked, particularly if you spot any other symptoms associated with excessive testosterone.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 4:09 PM on March 24, 2009
Sometimes I feel the urge to smash things, but I don't do it. Why? Because it's not cool to do. At the same time, it's a manifestation of how pissed off I am and it tells me that yeah, I'm pretty pissed - I need to take time to cool down.
You sound like you're actively trying to hide these problems. Share them. Tell your SO what's wrong. And if he can't at least provide emotional support, tell him, out-and-out, that there is actual scientific evidence that he is wrong. Other things you do are up to you.
Nthing therapy, and you're going to have to make your own self do it or you're not going to get any benefit from it. And you're going to have to develop the 'nads to do some shit no matter what some people around you say, because the logical choice may not always be what your loved ones are going to tell you (imagine what would happen if your entire family was full of alternative medicine nutters and you told them, for example, that you needed real medicine to correct, for example, a vascular problem and not some herb stuff) . The logical choice and the one that's going to work is the one that is tried and tested and has evidence for it, and the logical choice is therapy. You are going to have to advocate for yourself sometimes.
Honestly, you sound like you're a caged animal who's resentful of its captors but either doesn't notice the cage door is open or doesn't know how to pick up the key, which is lying in the cage, to unlock it and escape.
posted by kldickson at 4:11 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
You sound like you're actively trying to hide these problems. Share them. Tell your SO what's wrong. And if he can't at least provide emotional support, tell him, out-and-out, that there is actual scientific evidence that he is wrong. Other things you do are up to you.
Nthing therapy, and you're going to have to make your own self do it or you're not going to get any benefit from it. And you're going to have to develop the 'nads to do some shit no matter what some people around you say, because the logical choice may not always be what your loved ones are going to tell you (imagine what would happen if your entire family was full of alternative medicine nutters and you told them, for example, that you needed real medicine to correct, for example, a vascular problem and not some herb stuff) . The logical choice and the one that's going to work is the one that is tried and tested and has evidence for it, and the logical choice is therapy. You are going to have to advocate for yourself sometimes.
Honestly, you sound like you're a caged animal who's resentful of its captors but either doesn't notice the cage door is open or doesn't know how to pick up the key, which is lying in the cage, to unlock it and escape.
posted by kldickson at 4:11 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
Am I doing the right thing by ignoring them? Or am I building up some count on some ticker somewhere that is going to make me blow? Is there a way to make them go away?
I agree that almost everyone has these sorts of feelings from time-to-time. However, I don't think ignoring or suppressing them is necessarily the best thing to do. When those sorts of feelings bubble up in me, I take it as the equivalent of the red "check engine" light in the car--they're an indication that something is wrong. When they happen every once in a while, it's maybe just that the engine got too hot and needs to cool down a bit, no harm done. But if you're getting the "check engine" light on a really frequent basis, over a long period of time, that's something you need to start paying attention to--at that point, it's stopped being an external issue and is indicating that something is not working in the way that you're dealing with the stuff that life is throwing your way.
Therapy is a good way to address anxiety and stress if you keep having these feelings over and over, which it sounds like you do. It sucks that your husband isn't supporting you the way that you feel like you need to be supported, but I think that may be an area where you're letting your frustration or anger at him prevent you from doing what you need. I know the process of finding a therapist and getting started is exponentially harder when you don't have family or close friends supporting you, but you can do it. Seriously. These feelings you keep having are your brain's way of letting you know that you're not taking care of the stress like you need to, and you need a different approach. Please listen.
posted by iminurmefi at 4:12 PM on March 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
I agree that almost everyone has these sorts of feelings from time-to-time. However, I don't think ignoring or suppressing them is necessarily the best thing to do. When those sorts of feelings bubble up in me, I take it as the equivalent of the red "check engine" light in the car--they're an indication that something is wrong. When they happen every once in a while, it's maybe just that the engine got too hot and needs to cool down a bit, no harm done. But if you're getting the "check engine" light on a really frequent basis, over a long period of time, that's something you need to start paying attention to--at that point, it's stopped being an external issue and is indicating that something is not working in the way that you're dealing with the stuff that life is throwing your way.
Therapy is a good way to address anxiety and stress if you keep having these feelings over and over, which it sounds like you do. It sucks that your husband isn't supporting you the way that you feel like you need to be supported, but I think that may be an area where you're letting your frustration or anger at him prevent you from doing what you need. I know the process of finding a therapist and getting started is exponentially harder when you don't have family or close friends supporting you, but you can do it. Seriously. These feelings you keep having are your brain's way of letting you know that you're not taking care of the stress like you need to, and you need a different approach. Please listen.
posted by iminurmefi at 4:12 PM on March 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I would be very grateful for everyone's patience. I agree with you intellectually. I am not trying to argue my way out of helping myself but it would be good to have ways to motivate myself to attend that therapy sesion or do that CBT homework when it makes me feel worse and when I have a million other things to do. As far as being largely motivated by the support of others, that may be something I need to get rid of and will need a therapist's help to do that. I kind of like myself that way, it's a part of my excellent empathy and communication skills and a huge underpinning of my morals and values, but who knows?
I am considering getting more friends who are interested in me as a person on the road towards betterment, and as my husband has been resistant to going to therapy with me (it would be mortifying and very uncomfortable for him) I may have to reconsider aspects of our relationship.
It would be so helpful to have a community of people who were both supportive and helped me to be accountable and I'm a little sad that so many people think I am using that as an excuse.
posted by By The Grace of God at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2009
I am considering getting more friends who are interested in me as a person on the road towards betterment, and as my husband has been resistant to going to therapy with me (it would be mortifying and very uncomfortable for him) I may have to reconsider aspects of our relationship.
It would be so helpful to have a community of people who were both supportive and helped me to be accountable and I'm a little sad that so many people think I am using that as an excuse.
posted by By The Grace of God at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2009
Response by poster: And by the way, everyone who's shaking their finger and chiding me a bit, you've every right to do that but that's not worked for me so far. Just sayin..
posted by By The Grace of God at 4:25 PM on March 24, 2009
posted by By The Grace of God at 4:25 PM on March 24, 2009
Y'know, I'll be honest: how far back are you going to get backed into a corner before your fight-or-flight response kicks in? (And I hope you choose to fight when you get to that point.) And when it does, are you going to defend yourself? I hope you defend yourself.
If you're largely motivated by the support of others, that in fact says nothing about your empathy or communication skills. To me, at least, that tells me you have no confidence.
posted by kldickson at 4:32 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you're largely motivated by the support of others, that in fact says nothing about your empathy or communication skills. To me, at least, that tells me you have no confidence.
posted by kldickson at 4:32 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sounds like your marriage is headed for trouble unless Rip Van Husband wakes up.
I hate to think what could happen if a man comes along who is prepared to pay attention to your real feelings.
posted by jamjam at 4:58 PM on March 24, 2009
I hate to think what could happen if a man comes along who is prepared to pay attention to your real feelings.
posted by jamjam at 4:58 PM on March 24, 2009
You have a very stressful job, and you're fixing dinner while your husband plays video games, and he asks you how's dinner coming? OK, maybe he has a stressful job too. But I think the impulse to smack him is entirely normal. I would even go so far as to say smack him. A little.
Someone walking slowly in front of you is another matter. Slow walkers are just part of the environment. The impulse to smack them probably comes from residual anger about something else--maybe the dinner thing, or something at work, or whatever. You should try to figure out the things that really deserve your anger, and work on getting them resolved. Nonviolently.
posted by bricoleur at 4:59 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Someone walking slowly in front of you is another matter. Slow walkers are just part of the environment. The impulse to smack them probably comes from residual anger about something else--maybe the dinner thing, or something at work, or whatever. You should try to figure out the things that really deserve your anger, and work on getting them resolved. Nonviolently.
posted by bricoleur at 4:59 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Normally I'm not the type of person to recommend therapy. The way you are reacting sounds normal to me... the degree to which you are reacting sounds elevated, but probably proportional to the amount of stress you are under. Nothing concerned me until I got to the part about "imaginary friend". I'm not a doctor, but to me that sounds vaguely reminiscent/precursor to multiple personality syndrome. (yes, I talk to myself in my head too, but I know its ME) So for that aspect alone (imaginary friend).. I would probably recommend some type of therapy.
One thing I think you completely nailed perfectly though... is the need/requirement to have close friends who support/nurture and generally just show unconditional love. You know you need that and you definitely know you arent getting enough. My advice here would be to seek out new friendships and see if you can find someone "aware" enough that will share time with you. (sometimes meeting a good friend for a drink/coffee and great engaging understanding conversation is as good or better than any therapist)
My last piece of advice (regarding stress and things that frustrate you):... "Just let it go." Yes, I realize thats a terribly trite piece of advice, and I struggled with it for YEARS before I was able to understand the zen simplicity of actualizing it. The thing that I eventually learned/realized was that negative emotions are damaging. The more you dwell on them, the more damaging they get. To ourselves and others around us. Do not willingly give negative emotions a single drop of your energy. Do not feed them. Let them go.
MeFi Mail me if you want someone to talk to. I dont claim to be an expert in "life", but I think I'm a pretty good engaging listener.
posted by jmnugent at 5:26 PM on March 24, 2009
One thing I think you completely nailed perfectly though... is the need/requirement to have close friends who support/nurture and generally just show unconditional love. You know you need that and you definitely know you arent getting enough. My advice here would be to seek out new friendships and see if you can find someone "aware" enough that will share time with you. (sometimes meeting a good friend for a drink/coffee and great engaging understanding conversation is as good or better than any therapist)
My last piece of advice (regarding stress and things that frustrate you):... "Just let it go." Yes, I realize thats a terribly trite piece of advice, and I struggled with it for YEARS before I was able to understand the zen simplicity of actualizing it. The thing that I eventually learned/realized was that negative emotions are damaging. The more you dwell on them, the more damaging they get. To ourselves and others around us. Do not willingly give negative emotions a single drop of your energy. Do not feed them. Let them go.
MeFi Mail me if you want someone to talk to. I dont claim to be an expert in "life", but I think I'm a pretty good engaging listener.
posted by jmnugent at 5:26 PM on March 24, 2009
Response by poster: Let me just clarify about the imaginary friend - it's not a real friend with any shape or definition or face or voice or even a gender! More the hope that someone, somewhere, in the future, will appreciate both the person I have worked so hard to become and the hard work it took to become that person.
posted by By The Grace of God at 5:30 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by By The Grace of God at 5:30 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
All that matters is how we deal with the impulses. Not hitting people and things is good.
My only advice is to try to be more single-task-oriented. If you are making dinner, then that's all you need to worry about. When dinner is done, you'll move on to the next thing. If you are walking down the street, your job is to walk down the street. Not worry about a thousand things and get so stressed and into your own head that the idea that other people walking down the street is an affront to you.
posted by gjc at 5:34 PM on March 24, 2009
My only advice is to try to be more single-task-oriented. If you are making dinner, then that's all you need to worry about. When dinner is done, you'll move on to the next thing. If you are walking down the street, your job is to walk down the street. Not worry about a thousand things and get so stressed and into your own head that the idea that other people walking down the street is an affront to you.
posted by gjc at 5:34 PM on March 24, 2009
Totally, completely, absolutely normal. Straight down to the covert coping mechanisms that help you observe the rules of public decorum while still acknowledging to yourself your aggressive impulse. You sound like any other stressed out person trying to maintain a sense of balance and social decency in the face of difficult circumstances.
You cannot be so busy, though, that you can't take 25 minutes to go for a run. Or 90 minutes a few times a week to play racquet sports. Either one is a great way to channel aggression. Hell, make your husband put down the video-game controller and join you.
Resist the urge to treat this as some huge psychological problem. It might be, of course, but you can scarcely take the time to root around under the hood at the moment. Treat it instead like a practical problem. Don't give it any more power over you than it takes to work out practical strategies for bleeding off your aggressive impulses without hurting people. As you gain experience and comfort in your present role, the anxiety will abate. If it doesn't, then you probably ought to seek professional help.
posted by felix betachat at 5:35 PM on March 24, 2009
You cannot be so busy, though, that you can't take 25 minutes to go for a run. Or 90 minutes a few times a week to play racquet sports. Either one is a great way to channel aggression. Hell, make your husband put down the video-game controller and join you.
Resist the urge to treat this as some huge psychological problem. It might be, of course, but you can scarcely take the time to root around under the hood at the moment. Treat it instead like a practical problem. Don't give it any more power over you than it takes to work out practical strategies for bleeding off your aggressive impulses without hurting people. As you gain experience and comfort in your present role, the anxiety will abate. If it doesn't, then you probably ought to seek professional help.
posted by felix betachat at 5:35 PM on March 24, 2009
Look, I have struggled with this at times in the past, particularly when under heavy stress.
Just go ahead and get help. The truth is with these sorts of things those closest to you may be totally unable to empathize. Doesn't mean they don't love you-does mean they are too close to you to really see the problem. (Don't worry if that doesn't make sense. It just is, sometimes.)
See, you have to learn to care for YOURSELF. No one can do that for you. Once you learn to do that, then it's easier for others to be there for you as well.
Just don't ask me how I know that. ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:40 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Just go ahead and get help. The truth is with these sorts of things those closest to you may be totally unable to empathize. Doesn't mean they don't love you-does mean they are too close to you to really see the problem. (Don't worry if that doesn't make sense. It just is, sometimes.)
See, you have to learn to care for YOURSELF. No one can do that for you. Once you learn to do that, then it's easier for others to be there for you as well.
Just don't ask me how I know that. ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:40 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
How about meditation?
posted by rainy at 5:56 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by rainy at 5:56 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
I hear you. Everyday I deal with internal anger and negativity and I have no idea where it comes from. I know it's wrong to think horrible things about my loved ones but my brain, without my full consent, runs off on these long tangents that go nowhere but straight to anger. It's all bullshit.
Meditation helps. Start by sitting for ten minutes a day just allowing the thoughts to drift up and then float away. It helps if you can count and visualise the numbers while you do this. You'll soon notice that while you are counting, the thoughts are swirling around the numbers trying to get your attention. Keep focused and you'll soon realise that these horrible, nasty, fucked up thoughts aren't you -the real you.
Life- as far as I can see it - has alot to do with managing these demons. We all have them. People chose to dull and avoid them in a variety of ways. What matters is keeping them inside and under control.
Good luck! Remember to breathe!
posted by AzzaMcKazza at 6:14 PM on March 24, 2009
Meditation helps. Start by sitting for ten minutes a day just allowing the thoughts to drift up and then float away. It helps if you can count and visualise the numbers while you do this. You'll soon notice that while you are counting, the thoughts are swirling around the numbers trying to get your attention. Keep focused and you'll soon realise that these horrible, nasty, fucked up thoughts aren't you -the real you.
Life- as far as I can see it - has alot to do with managing these demons. We all have them. People chose to dull and avoid them in a variety of ways. What matters is keeping them inside and under control.
Good luck! Remember to breathe!
posted by AzzaMcKazza at 6:14 PM on March 24, 2009
Why not get a boxing bag? Once you've pounded the stuffing out of it, partake of some relaxing yoga!
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:19 PM on March 24, 2009
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:19 PM on March 24, 2009
my friend Brian got hit by a train and his back's broken. I'm always asking how he is and how his physical therapy is going, and I'm genuinely interested in it as a part of his life and a process. I ain't his physical therapist, but I'm interested and engaged and present to it.
If you suddenly lost interest, would Brian quit physical therapy? Of course not. He knows what he needs to do to get better and he's doing it because he wants to get better.
It's not reasonable to blame a lack of support for your reluctance to do what you know you need to do.
More the hope that someone, somewhere, in the future, will appreciate both the person I have worked so hard to become and the hard work it took to become that person.
* Why isn't your husband doing this, or at least part of it? Have you talked to him about this sense of being unrecognized and invisible in a way? What could he do to reduce that feeling?
* I so recognize what you're going through. The psychological truism is that depression is rage turned inward; sometimes, the inward overflows and that rage comes squirting out in odd ways. That's not a good sign.
* Your dream friend probably doesn't exist. You're the only one who knows how hard you've worked; you're the only one who really can know. Don't pin your mental and emotional health on getting a gold star from a fantasy friend.
* You have stuff you need to deal with; you know that. Yet you've set up such unrealistic conditions for actually dealing with it. Why? What is it that you're getting from this?
You're the only person who can help you. I wish you all the best.
posted by dogrose at 6:29 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you suddenly lost interest, would Brian quit physical therapy? Of course not. He knows what he needs to do to get better and he's doing it because he wants to get better.
It's not reasonable to blame a lack of support for your reluctance to do what you know you need to do.
More the hope that someone, somewhere, in the future, will appreciate both the person I have worked so hard to become and the hard work it took to become that person.
* Why isn't your husband doing this, or at least part of it? Have you talked to him about this sense of being unrecognized and invisible in a way? What could he do to reduce that feeling?
* I so recognize what you're going through. The psychological truism is that depression is rage turned inward; sometimes, the inward overflows and that rage comes squirting out in odd ways. That's not a good sign.
* Your dream friend probably doesn't exist. You're the only one who knows how hard you've worked; you're the only one who really can know. Don't pin your mental and emotional health on getting a gold star from a fantasy friend.
* You have stuff you need to deal with; you know that. Yet you've set up such unrealistic conditions for actually dealing with it. Why? What is it that you're getting from this?
You're the only person who can help you. I wish you all the best.
posted by dogrose at 6:29 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
I know this is ridiculous because everyone says it on MeFi. But have you had your thyroid checked? I was exactly like this (I literally said some of the things you've written) and my thyroid was off the charts high. In fact, I can tell I'm getting hyperthryoid again when I start feeling this way.
posted by barnone at 6:29 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by barnone at 6:29 PM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]
More the hope that someone, somewhere, in the future, will appreciate both the person I have worked so hard to become and the hard work it took to become that person
That would be you.
posted by flabdablet's sock puppet at 7:21 PM on March 24, 2009 [11 favorites]
That would be you.
posted by flabdablet's sock puppet at 7:21 PM on March 24, 2009 [11 favorites]
Having angry impulses is normal. It's what you do with them that's either healthy or unhealthy.
People are saying that perhaps getting therapy is a solution, but I'm wondering if maybe just going with something simpler may help. You say you're on the verge of snapping at your husband, or pushing people out of the way if you're in a hurry and they're walking slow -- I'm wondering how much of those impulses are about those actual moments, and how much may be about all the other little annoying damn crap you've had to put up with and it's just been building and building and you've been suppressing it and it's building and the stress is just piling up and piling up and little by little it's just getting really fucking annoying and AAAGAGGGGGUUUUUUUGGGGHGHH.
You know?
So maybe just every so often, finding a safe way to just channel some of that agita somewhere, just to get it out -- see if that helps. Kick a pillow around your bedroom, pretending it's the head of the guy who cut you off in traffic or whatever. Make up a batch of bread dough, and while you're kneading it, imagine you're smooshing the face of the guy who sneered at you in Starbucks'. Something I did a LOT when I was a teenager and I was pissed off at my brother was was played "air drums" to an angry song (....well, I don't know how "angry" you'd call Phil Collins' song "I Don't Care Any More" -- hey, the lyrics were snarky enough for my case) -- I'd put the song on, put on headphones, crank the volume up to eleven, and just pound on a pillow along with the drum riff as hard as I could. It is possible that my brother owes his life to the fact that I did this instead of snapping and ripping his head off.
I'm not promising that that will solve everything - I can't say for sure. But I have a hunch that will help a little, because if you've vented that stress and that anger, and brought yourself back down to a calmer level, then the next little annoying thing may not feel as annoying, and you won't be as quick to anger, and...yeah.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:16 PM on March 24, 2009
People are saying that perhaps getting therapy is a solution, but I'm wondering if maybe just going with something simpler may help. You say you're on the verge of snapping at your husband, or pushing people out of the way if you're in a hurry and they're walking slow -- I'm wondering how much of those impulses are about those actual moments, and how much may be about all the other little annoying damn crap you've had to put up with and it's just been building and building and you've been suppressing it and it's building and the stress is just piling up and piling up and little by little it's just getting really fucking annoying and AAAGAGGGGGUUUUUUUGGGGHGHH.
You know?
So maybe just every so often, finding a safe way to just channel some of that agita somewhere, just to get it out -- see if that helps. Kick a pillow around your bedroom, pretending it's the head of the guy who cut you off in traffic or whatever. Make up a batch of bread dough, and while you're kneading it, imagine you're smooshing the face of the guy who sneered at you in Starbucks'. Something I did a LOT when I was a teenager and I was pissed off at my brother was was played "air drums" to an angry song (....well, I don't know how "angry" you'd call Phil Collins' song "I Don't Care Any More" -- hey, the lyrics were snarky enough for my case) -- I'd put the song on, put on headphones, crank the volume up to eleven, and just pound on a pillow along with the drum riff as hard as I could. It is possible that my brother owes his life to the fact that I did this instead of snapping and ripping his head off.
I'm not promising that that will solve everything - I can't say for sure. But I have a hunch that will help a little, because if you've vented that stress and that anger, and brought yourself back down to a calmer level, then the next little annoying thing may not feel as annoying, and you won't be as quick to anger, and...yeah.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:16 PM on March 24, 2009
You said you weren't on any medications, but I'm not sure if you mean the kind for brains or just in general. Ortho-tricyclen turned me into a raging bitch and I calmed down quite a bit when I switched to a lighter mono-phasic pill. Just another thought.
Either way, you know something is not right. Take the time to figure out what it is and heal thyself. Being angry all the time is so exhausting and you don't have to live like that.
posted by idiotfactory at 8:35 PM on March 24, 2009
Either way, you know something is not right. Take the time to figure out what it is and heal thyself. Being angry all the time is so exhausting and you don't have to live like that.
posted by idiotfactory at 8:35 PM on March 24, 2009
During a period of extreme stress and some depression a number of years back, I discovered that it was amazingly therapeutic to punch the hell out of my futon couch. I didn't need to do it every day, and when I did need to do it, I couldn't do it for very long (there's a reason why boxing rounds are three minutes long). But it made me feel a little lighter, a little less...enveloped by this burning, nonverbal rage I had.
I was also in talk therapy at the time. The combination worked well for me.
posted by rtha at 9:00 PM on March 24, 2009
I was also in talk therapy at the time. The combination worked well for me.
posted by rtha at 9:00 PM on March 24, 2009
Best answer: What you want is not to stifle these impulses by a tremendous act of will -- what you want is to feel them and make use of them in some way that's not counterproductive. When I am angry but not able to clean my house -- at work, for example -- I rap to myself. I think of kings who died and technical writers out to dethrone me. For they crowns they heads is cut OFF. Bodies, just laid DEAD in the STREET. It's so fucking pitiful. I try to add lines specific to my present situation, with language appropriate to my gangsta persona. Outwardly I may be a matronly glasses-wearing white woman, in my head I am liable to pop a cap in someone's ass. You give yourself permission to be as angry as you want to be in your head, follow any violent impulses to their conclusion in your head, put it in rhyme, and you can't help but take yourself a little less seriously. You're By Da Grace of God G, tryina stay sucka-free. Despite tha finger-wagging fuckas all up in your AskMe. Like that.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:10 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Methylviolet at 11:10 PM on March 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
Meditation is surprisingly important for modern life.
posted by koeselitz at 2:11 AM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by koeselitz at 2:11 AM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
Try if you could channel some of your negative impulses into positive actions. I think it'll only get worse if you internalize your anger, so don't hold back when you need to release it.
I guess setting yourself some kind of "rules of engagement" could be useful - when to engage and when to hold back, and follow your own rules. Impulses are by definition unpredictable, and a set of rules would likely help to control them.
Angry impulses are normal when you have a stressful life.
posted by mchow at 2:19 AM on March 25, 2009
I guess setting yourself some kind of "rules of engagement" could be useful - when to engage and when to hold back, and follow your own rules. Impulses are by definition unpredictable, and a set of rules would likely help to control them.
Angry impulses are normal when you have a stressful life.
posted by mchow at 2:19 AM on March 25, 2009
Sounds like you need to just talk with someone, anyone, who would actually pay attention to you. I think I know the feeling. Unfortunately, I don't have specific advice for meeting friends like this.
You could try just keeping a journal, writing to your future self, or just writing. I believe that there have been actual studies showing that the act of talking, and even writing, can help.
There may be a part of this that's related to having higher-than-usual levels of testosterone, but so what? That testosterone (if you have it) can be an advantage, too. It may just make it a little harder to relate to people who don't have it - which is most of the female population, but not all. If you think this might be you, just give yourself an allowance and address the possibility that you'd need a little extra coping to allow for it - like having a big, active dog that needs regular exercise, but who is awesome in a lot of ways.
Are you exercising? I know you don't really have time, but some physical exertion might help.
posted by amtho at 2:52 AM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
You could try just keeping a journal, writing to your future self, or just writing. I believe that there have been actual studies showing that the act of talking, and even writing, can help.
There may be a part of this that's related to having higher-than-usual levels of testosterone, but so what? That testosterone (if you have it) can be an advantage, too. It may just make it a little harder to relate to people who don't have it - which is most of the female population, but not all. If you think this might be you, just give yourself an allowance and address the possibility that you'd need a little extra coping to allow for it - like having a big, active dog that needs regular exercise, but who is awesome in a lot of ways.
Are you exercising? I know you don't really have time, but some physical exertion might help.
posted by amtho at 2:52 AM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for all your responses.
Stuff I am going to take out of here for now (more a note to myself) - trying to channel angry impulses into productive stuff; bringing up the motivation issues in therapy, looking into group therapy, and somehow trying to be more self motivated (that one goes deep and would take years).
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:21 AM on March 25, 2009
Stuff I am going to take out of here for now (more a note to myself) - trying to channel angry impulses into productive stuff; bringing up the motivation issues in therapy, looking into group therapy, and somehow trying to be more self motivated (that one goes deep and would take years).
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:21 AM on March 25, 2009
May i suggest a GREAT Martial Arts class? I have been studying Muay Thai (Kick Boxing). The class is really tough and by the end of it I have NO STRESS! There is nothing like punching a heavy bag 700 times to make you not want to hit ANYTHING else..... just calm, bliss....
It helps on so many other levels as well. Please consider it even if it is not something you would generally do. It has quickly changed my life.
Good Luck to you*
posted by Studiogeek at 6:00 AM on March 25, 2009
It helps on so many other levels as well. Please consider it even if it is not something you would generally do. It has quickly changed my life.
Good Luck to you*
posted by Studiogeek at 6:00 AM on March 25, 2009
I'm concerned about your statements about the stress level of your job and how that stress won't be dissipating for years. You also mention a very stressful life with your husband. Feeling that your struggles are not noticed, let alone appreciated and empathized with. Feeling that you have to show a "semblance of normality" with him rather than being able to show your true face, and the feeling that this is taken for granted and not seen for what it is. All of this is obviously getting to you now, so the idea that it will just keep going and going and going... I don't see how you can keep going this way and be healthy.
What are some concrete things that would help? Sometimes it's hard to see this from the inside, because you see the responsibility you feel and you see the resentment you feel, and we tend to be harder on ourselves than others. (As someone else who deals with depression and anxiety, at least.)
So, what comes to mind if you view it from the outside? What if it were your friend Brian describing this? What would be the things that you would offer to help with? What would you tell him not to worry so much about? What would you tell him to let slide so he can take care of himself?
Can you take anything from that thought experiment and turn them into concrete requests that you can bring to your husband? It sounds like he's not very good at the touchy-feely emotional side, but maybe he could step in if you said, "I'm under a lot of stress and I think you can tell that it's getting to me. It would really help me out if you could _____. Would you mind?"
Can you take anything from the thought experiment and give yourself permission to let some things slide? I am often extremely hard on myself and will not give myself the grace that I would extend to friends. If your friend were in this situation, what grace would you extend to them? Could you be that friend to yourself?
posted by heatherann at 8:31 AM on March 25, 2009
What are some concrete things that would help? Sometimes it's hard to see this from the inside, because you see the responsibility you feel and you see the resentment you feel, and we tend to be harder on ourselves than others. (As someone else who deals with depression and anxiety, at least.)
So, what comes to mind if you view it from the outside? What if it were your friend Brian describing this? What would be the things that you would offer to help with? What would you tell him not to worry so much about? What would you tell him to let slide so he can take care of himself?
Can you take anything from that thought experiment and turn them into concrete requests that you can bring to your husband? It sounds like he's not very good at the touchy-feely emotional side, but maybe he could step in if you said, "I'm under a lot of stress and I think you can tell that it's getting to me. It would really help me out if you could _____. Would you mind?"
Can you take anything from the thought experiment and give yourself permission to let some things slide? I am often extremely hard on myself and will not give myself the grace that I would extend to friends. If your friend were in this situation, what grace would you extend to them? Could you be that friend to yourself?
posted by heatherann at 8:31 AM on March 25, 2009
I definitely understand where you're coming from. I have the urge to smack slow-walkers, dumb coworkers, and frustrating so's. One thing I've found that helps me a lot is to ask myself "will this matter in a year?" It's helped mitigate so much stress for me. When I'm running late because some slow poke won't move over on the sidewalk, I ask myself if being a few minutes late will matter in a year. Of course it won't, so I calm down a little and enjoy the sunshine. When I have to explain something to my coworker for the fifth time, I ask myself if taking a few minutes to explain it again will seriously effect me a year from now. It won't, so I take a deep breath and I explain it again. And when my guy is being a lazy sob, I ask myself if doing a little extra for him today will negatively effect me in year. Yes, it will if I become a doormat, but just doing a little extra for a day will not generally be bad. Anyway, that's my coping mechanism for my rage.
Also, therapy is probably good. I don't think talking to someone in your head is necessarily bad. I sometimes vent at my mom or my so in my head. I know I'm not really talking to them, but it helps me to get my anger towards them out in my head. Then I can formulate rational arguments for use when talking to the real person or I realize that I'm mad at something completely stupid and I can drop it. I've been to therapy and never got much benefit out of it. Taking time to really work things out on my own or with friends/family worked better for me.
At any rate, good luck. Being angry all the time is no way live life.
posted by mandapanda at 10:15 AM on March 25, 2009
Also, therapy is probably good. I don't think talking to someone in your head is necessarily bad. I sometimes vent at my mom or my so in my head. I know I'm not really talking to them, but it helps me to get my anger towards them out in my head. Then I can formulate rational arguments for use when talking to the real person or I realize that I'm mad at something completely stupid and I can drop it. I've been to therapy and never got much benefit out of it. Taking time to really work things out on my own or with friends/family worked better for me.
At any rate, good luck. Being angry all the time is no way live life.
posted by mandapanda at 10:15 AM on March 25, 2009
I just wanted to say that your situation is AMAZINGLY similar to mine. I have a unbelievable amount of stress in school and an uncertain future and I feel trapped and frustrated and fantasize about just unleashing my anger on those that have wronged me, some of them very frightening and more aggressive than i've ever been in my entire life (like wanting to ram my car into the car of the metermaid who just gave me a ticket--in front of my own house--I cannot afford; or--honest to gods--wanting to wail on an animal rights protester with a crowbar because they have the gall to threaten to my face that theyll steal or destroy the graduate research I have sacrificed my own life, health, and sanity for over the past few years.)
So I dont have any answers, but I thank you for asking your question because the responses of others have helped me as well.
posted by CTORourke at 11:22 AM on March 25, 2009
So I dont have any answers, but I thank you for asking your question because the responses of others have helped me as well.
posted by CTORourke at 11:22 AM on March 25, 2009
I'm sure you're going to say, "I have no time for that," but PLEASE try to get some heavy physical exercise of some sort into your life. At the very least, it can try to make you so physically tired you won't be up to punching someone when you hit snapping mode.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:13 PM on March 25, 2009
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:13 PM on March 25, 2009
One other thing-please do go get checked out medically-what you describe could be something called dysphoric hypomania. (Which is like PMS on steroids x 10. ) And THAT can be treated.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:31 PM on March 25, 2009
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:31 PM on March 25, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
It also sounds like you're not communicating your issue to those who matter and care about you. Your imaginary friend is a crutch you're using in place of exposing your vulnerability to those closest to you. If you've tried to explain to your closest friends the stress you're under and the impulses you have, and it's fallen by the wayside, you should try again. Your husband should definitely know how you really feel and understand that the issue is bigger than you and that you might benefit from therapy, but only if he can support you fully through it. Ask him to try it for you, and explain that it's something that you feel will increase the quality of your life. He should be willing to try if he understands the pressure you feel internally.
Internalizing all of this isn't particularly healthy. You need someone or something to vent to, be it a punching bag, or a journal, or a good friend, or a therapist. Everyone gets stressed. Everyone vents. We all do it to varying degrees and that's natural. Bottling things up for fear of what those around us think is a quick route to a shorter life span.
I've often describe my close friends as my own form of therapy. I've never been to a therapist, and I've never been what I'd call clinically depressed at all, but everyone gets down from time to time, everyone gets stressed out, and everyone needs an outlet. My friends let me talk to them about my issues and talk to me as well. It works out and is cheaper than therapy.
You should also go back and look at one of the posts in your own profile. It's true and you need to look at ways to relieve the pressure around you and the things that are causing the stress, in addition to identifying ways to relieve the stress itself.
Good luck.
posted by disillusioned at 3:41 PM on March 24, 2009