I was told, "Let other people bless you." How?
March 16, 2009 3:54 PM Subscribe
"Why do you do that? Stop it. Let other people bless you. You're always supporting others, why don't you let others show support for you?" This is what a co-worker said to me today when scolding me about my not wanting to have a promotion luncheon and moving to another area. This has happened like three times in as many years. After many excuses, I finally conceded to her "I don't know."
I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.
I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.
But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?
P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.
I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.
I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.
But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?
P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.
Of course, more therapy is a good idea, and lots of people are going to suggest it to you. They're right, and I agree. I'm going to suggest, as well, something different and supplementary to the therapy: team sport. Seriously.
I don't know if you're an athletic, co-ordinated sort of a person, anonymous, or if you enjoy exercise. If you've never played a social game of football, or played basketball, or doubles tennis, or anything like that, I thoroughly recommend it as an esteem-building exercise. When someone says the words "good shot", or "well defended", or "good run", no amount of self-sabotage will change the fact that measurably, unquestionably, it was. Teams that play well do it by encouraging each other and by honest communication. You share victories, you share defeats.
Being good at the game in question isn't the point.
If your team trains together, even better. Half the point of training as a squad is merely the act of mutual commitment of time and energy to each other, everyone agreeing that the (say) Thursday-evening drill session in the park is a worthy achievement in itself. It's about turning up as much as the workout.
You know that look on a footballer's face as he or she's just kicked a goal, and rushes for the corner post, sliding down the pitch on two knees, with a wide open ecstatic mouth, before being congratulatorily piled-on by ten other players? That look that says "with my teammates, I did that"? You know that look?
That's something you can have too.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:52 PM on March 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't know if you're an athletic, co-ordinated sort of a person, anonymous, or if you enjoy exercise. If you've never played a social game of football, or played basketball, or doubles tennis, or anything like that, I thoroughly recommend it as an esteem-building exercise. When someone says the words "good shot", or "well defended", or "good run", no amount of self-sabotage will change the fact that measurably, unquestionably, it was. Teams that play well do it by encouraging each other and by honest communication. You share victories, you share defeats.
Being good at the game in question isn't the point.
If your team trains together, even better. Half the point of training as a squad is merely the act of mutual commitment of time and energy to each other, everyone agreeing that the (say) Thursday-evening drill session in the park is a worthy achievement in itself. It's about turning up as much as the workout.
You know that look on a footballer's face as he or she's just kicked a goal, and rushes for the corner post, sliding down the pitch on two knees, with a wide open ecstatic mouth, before being congratulatorily piled-on by ten other players? That look that says "with my teammates, I did that"? You know that look?
That's something you can have too.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:52 PM on March 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
It seems to me that you're asking basically about the concept of "grace," which is the idea I use when acceding to offers by other people to do things for/with me that I would not ask for on my own.
posted by rhizome at 5:12 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 5:12 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you're focusing a lot on the possibilities of what others may do to you, rather than focusing on what your mindset is doing to you. Clearly, with this post, you're taking a different approach to things, so this is a start. Considering that, it'd probably be good to return to therapy, to help you unlock even more of this.
Without knowing more of your history, and so any possible catalysts of such dramatic mistrust, all I can say is that you seem very insecure. I'm not sure that "mistrust" is even what you should be looking at; insecurity seems to be more at the root of it. What seems like your mistrust of others, thinking they'll disappoint you, is probably more a little voice inside saying things like, "They won't care enough to call me back" or "What's wrong with me, that other people didn't come to my party?" These things are not about trusting others, but trusting yourself. This is especially true of your unnecessary anxiety over whether people would come to a wedding you might have in the future; really, I think you have to find the partner first! And you will, in time, probably. The more confident you become in yourself, the better your chances are with that, too.
You should feel confident enough to believe people will call you back and go to parties you've invited them to. You should feel confident enough, when people don't call you back or go to a party they said they would, to assertively tell them how that annoys you or disappoints you. You should feel confident enough when that persists to tell them to "fuck off" and get new friends. Being more assertive will give you a lot of confidence and security back. A good cognitive behavioral therapist can help train you to be more assertive.
Also, aim to choose not to do the things you're doing. You see yourself doing self-destructive things. You have a choice to not do them. If it helps, keep a diary with you to write down the date and time and feelings you have to, say, turn off your phone so people can't call you back. Then, after writing this down, don't do it; leave your phone on, etc. It will be difficult at first, but it will get easier as you discover that many people are interested in getting in touch with you. It will boost your confidence and will also help a therapist help you.
Congrats on your promotion, by the way.
posted by metalheart at 5:20 PM on March 16, 2009
Without knowing more of your history, and so any possible catalysts of such dramatic mistrust, all I can say is that you seem very insecure. I'm not sure that "mistrust" is even what you should be looking at; insecurity seems to be more at the root of it. What seems like your mistrust of others, thinking they'll disappoint you, is probably more a little voice inside saying things like, "They won't care enough to call me back" or "What's wrong with me, that other people didn't come to my party?" These things are not about trusting others, but trusting yourself. This is especially true of your unnecessary anxiety over whether people would come to a wedding you might have in the future; really, I think you have to find the partner first! And you will, in time, probably. The more confident you become in yourself, the better your chances are with that, too.
You should feel confident enough to believe people will call you back and go to parties you've invited them to. You should feel confident enough, when people don't call you back or go to a party they said they would, to assertively tell them how that annoys you or disappoints you. You should feel confident enough when that persists to tell them to "fuck off" and get new friends. Being more assertive will give you a lot of confidence and security back. A good cognitive behavioral therapist can help train you to be more assertive.
Also, aim to choose not to do the things you're doing. You see yourself doing self-destructive things. You have a choice to not do them. If it helps, keep a diary with you to write down the date and time and feelings you have to, say, turn off your phone so people can't call you back. Then, after writing this down, don't do it; leave your phone on, etc. It will be difficult at first, but it will get easier as you discover that many people are interested in getting in touch with you. It will boost your confidence and will also help a therapist help you.
Congrats on your promotion, by the way.
posted by metalheart at 5:20 PM on March 16, 2009
"Expectation is invitation."
When I learned to quit expecting rejection, I finally stopped getting it.
This isn't ooey gooey metaphysical bullcrap but something that is sociologically provable.
Please do continue therapy. You are not doomed to feel like this forever.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:23 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
When I learned to quit expecting rejection, I finally stopped getting it.
This isn't ooey gooey metaphysical bullcrap but something that is sociologically provable.
Please do continue therapy. You are not doomed to feel like this forever.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:23 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Much to my chagrin, someone had to teach me how to accept a compliment. I thought I was being humble, but what I was actually doing was telling people who were complimenting me that they were wrong. Nobody likes to be told they're wrong, especially when they're trying to do something nice.
So here is the secret to accepting a complement. Practice these two words: "Thank you."
When saying those two words, sincerity is key. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
It does sound like you have deeper-seated issues of self-worth that will require somewhat more than I've offered here. Don't worry -- they can be addressed. You are far from the worst case that any therapist has seen. (BTW, I suggest you seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist.)
I leave you with something that works for me when dealing with others: expect nothing, and always be grateful for what you get. Your birthday party, for example, was not the disaster you think it was. You had two people show up! Three good friends can have a lot of fun together! And even if nobody at all showed up, so what? Your happiness does not hinge on what others think of you. Other people make your life richer, to be sure, but that doesn't mean it is poor without them. It is not an either/or proposition.
posted by kindall at 5:46 PM on March 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
So here is the secret to accepting a complement. Practice these two words: "Thank you."
When saying those two words, sincerity is key. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
It does sound like you have deeper-seated issues of self-worth that will require somewhat more than I've offered here. Don't worry -- they can be addressed. You are far from the worst case that any therapist has seen. (BTW, I suggest you seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist.)
I leave you with something that works for me when dealing with others: expect nothing, and always be grateful for what you get. Your birthday party, for example, was not the disaster you think it was. You had two people show up! Three good friends can have a lot of fun together! And even if nobody at all showed up, so what? Your happiness does not hinge on what others think of you. Other people make your life richer, to be sure, but that doesn't mean it is poor without them. It is not an either/or proposition.
posted by kindall at 5:46 PM on March 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
If you expect people to always disappoint you, they will live up to your expectations.
posted by notsnot at 6:29 PM on March 16, 2009
posted by notsnot at 6:29 PM on March 16, 2009
I think it's very scary to accept - really understand and accept - that human beings rely and value something that is beyond our ability to control. That is, we rely upon and value personal relationships, and by an extension, community. All made up of other people. Imperfect people, who have the ability to show great love and affection, but who also can show great disregard and insensitivity. People who can, and do, let us down. And that can hurt. What sensible person would open themselves up to embarrassment or hurt? Repeatedly?
You ask what's wrong with you, but I think a different question is 'what's wrong with this', because it sounds like you know this. You realize that caring about other people (their opinion, their approval, their presence) means living with the incredible discomfort of things beyond your control hurting you.
But I think this might be one of the only true either/or dichotomies I know. You either let people in, or you don't. If you do, it means that people have the ability to make you happy, but they have the ability to make you sad. When people don't, they can't be selective about it - the whole kit and kaboodle of emotions and relations gets shoved aside when they shut themselves down, and basically they say "I'm shutting off the phone because I don't want to give you the power to make me happy, because it also means you have the power to make me sad".
I don't know how one 'fixes' it. But here's how I live with it. I decide that I can withstand it. The whole range of it, from the thoughtlessness on the part of others to the bright light of recognition that makes me grimace with discomfort. I accept that in my mind there is no difference between public recognition or the slight of a lack of one, because both make me feel like I am under scrutiny. And I don't want to be scrutinized or judged. I accept that even though I can't always feel it, that people really do care for me - and I am part of their lives - even if it's just one person, or three. And the compliment, the acknowledgment is the only way they can show me that.
And I tell them the truth, all of it. When someone compliments me, I say thank you. And that I appreciate them taking the time to tell me. And that their opinion means a lot to me. And that I worked very hard on whatever it is they are complimenting me on. Because that's usually pretty accurate. And if I feel slighted at say a dinner party I throw that they missed, I usually say how sorry I was to miss them. And that I hope they'll come next time, because it's always nice to see them. And if I invite them a second time and they blow me off, I get the message that this isn't the time for us to connect, and I back off. And I allow myself to be pleasantly surprised when they do come the second time.
That's about it. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
posted by anitanita at 8:44 PM on March 16, 2009
You ask what's wrong with you, but I think a different question is 'what's wrong with this', because it sounds like you know this. You realize that caring about other people (their opinion, their approval, their presence) means living with the incredible discomfort of things beyond your control hurting you.
But I think this might be one of the only true either/or dichotomies I know. You either let people in, or you don't. If you do, it means that people have the ability to make you happy, but they have the ability to make you sad. When people don't, they can't be selective about it - the whole kit and kaboodle of emotions and relations gets shoved aside when they shut themselves down, and basically they say "I'm shutting off the phone because I don't want to give you the power to make me happy, because it also means you have the power to make me sad".
I don't know how one 'fixes' it. But here's how I live with it. I decide that I can withstand it. The whole range of it, from the thoughtlessness on the part of others to the bright light of recognition that makes me grimace with discomfort. I accept that in my mind there is no difference between public recognition or the slight of a lack of one, because both make me feel like I am under scrutiny. And I don't want to be scrutinized or judged. I accept that even though I can't always feel it, that people really do care for me - and I am part of their lives - even if it's just one person, or three. And the compliment, the acknowledgment is the only way they can show me that.
And I tell them the truth, all of it. When someone compliments me, I say thank you. And that I appreciate them taking the time to tell me. And that their opinion means a lot to me. And that I worked very hard on whatever it is they are complimenting me on. Because that's usually pretty accurate. And if I feel slighted at say a dinner party I throw that they missed, I usually say how sorry I was to miss them. And that I hope they'll come next time, because it's always nice to see them. And if I invite them a second time and they blow me off, I get the message that this isn't the time for us to connect, and I back off. And I allow myself to be pleasantly surprised when they do come the second time.
That's about it. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
posted by anitanita at 8:44 PM on March 16, 2009
If the thrust of your problem is that people suck—and yes, people suck—then you're not going to find any kind of real solution.
Some advice, though: The nature of trust is three-fold. In trusting someone, you let go of the anxiety of their betrayal. That same trust heightens the pain of any future disloyalty. Yet it's that trust that, ironically, makes a person trustworthy in the first place.
To echo a few others: If you can't trust a person, then you can't also expect them to be trustworthy.
posted by trotter at 9:30 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Some advice, though: The nature of trust is three-fold. In trusting someone, you let go of the anxiety of their betrayal. That same trust heightens the pain of any future disloyalty. Yet it's that trust that, ironically, makes a person trustworthy in the first place.
To echo a few others: If you can't trust a person, then you can't also expect them to be trustworthy.
posted by trotter at 9:30 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I actually want to add that I don't think anything you are mentioning here speaks to me of 'trust'. Maybe 'friendliness'. You don't give people the option to be friendly towards you, seemingly because of insecurity. This neediness/insecurity is what makes you obsess over whether they're going to call you back, whether they'll be at your birthday party, etc. And in order to shut off the obsession, you turn off your phone, don't throw a birthday party...
I read your examples and I actually had to reach pretty far back into my past (when I had no sense of self-worth except insofar as I could make other people happy, support them, sacrifice for them) to relate. Because now, it seems downright weird to me that I would care about someone not calling me back - some of my friends are forgetful or busy, it doesn't mean they don't care about me. And I have other things to do than wait by the phone for them anyhow, so it usually ends up taking me by surprise when they DO call me back.
The insecurity and self-worth are what you have to work on. You have a value apart from the things you do for others; your value isn't reduced by letting them do things for you (and hey, it makes people happy to be able to do nice things for you).
posted by Lady Li at 10:52 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I read your examples and I actually had to reach pretty far back into my past (when I had no sense of self-worth except insofar as I could make other people happy, support them, sacrifice for them) to relate. Because now, it seems downright weird to me that I would care about someone not calling me back - some of my friends are forgetful or busy, it doesn't mean they don't care about me. And I have other things to do than wait by the phone for them anyhow, so it usually ends up taking me by surprise when they DO call me back.
The insecurity and self-worth are what you have to work on. You have a value apart from the things you do for others; your value isn't reduced by letting them do things for you (and hey, it makes people happy to be able to do nice things for you).
posted by Lady Li at 10:52 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Those are all defenses.
I've done similar things, at one time or another - neat trick, turning off the cellphone after leaving a message - guarantees you won't get let down, yet, at the same time, guarantees you won't get any love either.
That's a "safe" place to be. Except that you still need the love you're not getting.
You need to value yourself more - when people compliment you, instead of reacting like they're wrong, you could smile and have that I-thought-I-looked-good-but-it-sure-feels-nice-to-have-someone-notice feeling. It's called receiving affection.
When you truly believe you deserve affection, you can suddenly receive it... ! And the time when you don't get the affection or recognition you think you deserve, it doesn't hurt so much, because you know you rock no matter what.
I had a pretty bad birthday two years ago - I put off making plans till Thursday, then I text messaged everyone for us to meet on Friday night. Four people came and I tried to have a good time, but I felt very very sad inside.
However, by the time my next birthday came along, I had been in therapy for over 6 months, and I finally got it - on my birthday, I want to celebrate ME!!! And if I want it to be a big deal, I have to make it a big deal!! Which meant telling people about the party a month in advance, reminding folks a few weeks closer to the date, and finally more text messages and enthusiastic reminders in my messenger status... my birthday was much much more fun this time around!
I recommend therapy to everyone, maybe this time around you will have better results.
Also, google things about "receiving love"
posted by Locochona at 7:31 PM on March 17, 2009
I've done similar things, at one time or another - neat trick, turning off the cellphone after leaving a message - guarantees you won't get let down, yet, at the same time, guarantees you won't get any love either.
That's a "safe" place to be. Except that you still need the love you're not getting.
You need to value yourself more - when people compliment you, instead of reacting like they're wrong, you could smile and have that I-thought-I-looked-good-but-it-sure-feels-nice-to-have-someone-notice feeling. It's called receiving affection.
When you truly believe you deserve affection, you can suddenly receive it... ! And the time when you don't get the affection or recognition you think you deserve, it doesn't hurt so much, because you know you rock no matter what.
I had a pretty bad birthday two years ago - I put off making plans till Thursday, then I text messaged everyone for us to meet on Friday night. Four people came and I tried to have a good time, but I felt very very sad inside.
However, by the time my next birthday came along, I had been in therapy for over 6 months, and I finally got it - on my birthday, I want to celebrate ME!!! And if I want it to be a big deal, I have to make it a big deal!! Which meant telling people about the party a month in advance, reminding folks a few weeks closer to the date, and finally more text messages and enthusiastic reminders in my messenger status... my birthday was much much more fun this time around!
I recommend therapy to everyone, maybe this time around you will have better results.
Also, google things about "receiving love"
posted by Locochona at 7:31 PM on March 17, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
I went to therapy a few years ago... I don't know if that's what I need anymore
It almost certainly is.
posted by ook at 4:36 PM on March 16, 2009