Manager Management

January 8, 2009 10:06 PM

My manager and I just don't seem to be able to talk without stepping on eachother's toes. There isn't any real dispute it's just at the end of every conversation we have we both end up frusterated at our (mostly my) lack of communication skills. How can I talk to this guy in a way that might make it easier on us both?

Like most of my acquaintences he seemed to like me well enough (but not enough to necessitate any social interaction) at the start but then I had to do something he specifically told me not to do because to do so would have created an extremely unsatisfactory result. As it happens this day I cam down with a fever so in my increasing delerium I was bitching about how I had to do exactly what he told me not to do when he walked in behind me and caught the tail end of it and I looked really bad. In the end he agreed and had I not been coughing and shivering I would have stayed a little later to ensure everything was to his satisfaction before I left.

Ever since then every time I ask him for something or reccommend something i can't finish my point before he scolds me for doing something I wasn't supposed to do when I actually was (I think I'm starting to appear as the guy who "always has a reasonable explaination for bad shit").

I've tried the humble aproach and he barks at me saying he's not going to bite my head off. I've tried the confident approach and he walks away in mid sentance or has a look on his face which visibly expresses pain.

I like my job. I'm good at my job. I understand how everything works. I fix shit that breaks. I've improved the organizational system at the place that I work. I'm good with customers and I always send them away happy.

I cannot afford to just write this guy off as an asshole. I have to make peace with him somehow without involving anyone else. Can anyone give me advice?

posted by Pseudology to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Don't have verbal conversations. Use email.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:15 PM on January 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Based on your account I think that there is nothing you can do besides talk to HR. Your manager sounds like he shouldn't be managing anybody, at all, whatsoever. He really walks away from you mid-sentence? If you don't have an HR department, and you feel confident enough that you can talk to his superior without getting in a ton of trouble, then go for that approach... but make sure you have a rock solid case going in. Use specific documented examples of how you are being mistreated and how you have been actively trying to rectify the situation while he has done nothing.
posted by pwally at 10:21 PM on January 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Pwally, I know the boss personally. He's a friend of my Dads. This is the managers first year on management. He's liked and has alot of friends within the company. I'm liked well enough but no one seems to want to ski with me. If I go over his head, I could get a technical ruling in my favor but in the court of public opinion, I'm done. I may as well quit. I could even get blacklisted in other companies. I have to bridge the gap and there is no other way.
posted by Pseudology at 10:28 PM on January 8, 2009

Response by poster: Pwally, I did that before to get a teacher fired at my boarding school. I know that in other situations it works. Just not this one.
posted by Pseudology at 10:32 PM on January 8, 2009

I'm inclined to suggest you might have an authority problem. I'm not trying to be a jerk or intentionally misinterpret your description of what has happened, just that the added teacher story rang a little bell in my brain.
posted by rhizome at 11:11 PM on January 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Would it be possible to have HR stage a mediation between you two? It seems like between your communication missteps with him and his relative newness at managing people, you're hitting a brick wall that you may not personally be able to break down without a third party to referee.

If that's impossible, I second DarlingBri's suggestion...using email where possible to communicate with him. Hopefully, a little bit of time will be all he needs to calm down and lick his wounds, and then perhaps you two can start over on better footing. Good luck.
posted by Evil Chicken of Doom at 12:02 AM on January 9, 2009

Response by poster: Rhizome I did have an authority problem because I went to an abusive boarding school and had difficulty understanding why some rules weren't enforced when they should and others enforced when they shouldn't. It's a hard lesson to learn.
posted by Pseudology at 12:12 AM on January 9, 2009

You need a break from each other. A small one. mutal. Come back with real or metaphorical flowers. Happens to everyone.
posted by The Whelk at 12:35 AM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Focus on figuring out which parts of this you can control, which parts are up to him, and which you both just have to live with. From here it looks like several things are going on; you don't respect authority in general or this guy's decisions in particular, while he is an inexperienced and not particularly gifted leader who may feel hamstrung in his ability to manage you because of his relationship with your dad. If you're periodically overriding his decisions then you're undermining his ability to do his job. If you then bitch to coworkers about 'having' to override him to prevent catastrophe then you are putting your disrespect on public display. You may have been right, but while you were at it you were also a jerk. At some point you're going to have to examine, understand and examine your own role in this very carefully, arrange to meet the guy privately, apologize unconditionally, express your desire to make things better between you, and ask him how you can do that. Be prepared to let him lead, even when you disagree; if he's going to be a manager then he's going to have to accept responsibility for the things he tells you to do. Stop focusing on what you already do well, because those aren't the issue here.
posted by jon1270 at 3:13 AM on January 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You've 'tried' the humble approach (and I don't get the 'confident' approach, beyond that's likely to piss him off.)

Why not try the direct and honest approach? Wait until a lunchtime or end of day, and ask him for five minutes of his time for some advice?

"Hi, I notice there's quite a bit I seem to do that annoys you; I could use some advice on how to handle the situation better. I can see that I'm making some mistakes and I'm sorry, it's my intention to work hard, not to piss you off.
I figure that since you're in charge, it's really important that I follow your lead as well as get along. So, I guess I'm looking for advice on stopping whatever I'm doing that's bothering you."

And then listen to what he says. What you do well? Doesn't matter. You're pissing someone off who manages you. Authority problem? Yeah, that's likely your problem. It's pretty evident that you don't respect the guy (he's a first year manager.) It's clear that he's not the best manager on the planet. He makes mistakes too. He likely sucks at it. Doesn't matter.

Managers at work are people you have to get along with, not vice versa. It doesn't matter if he wants to ski with you. He's not your friend.
posted by filmgeek at 5:13 AM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

...examine, understand and examine...


Or, you could examine, understand and own up to...
posted by jon1270 at 5:35 AM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was in a very similar situation just last year. Regardless of the effort I put in, we continued speaking different languages. At this point in my life I'm convinced there are people you must navigate with the utmost precision. In spite of my issues with authority I'll maintain this person wasn't fit for being a manager (sycophant, poor people skills, horrible organization / time management). He didn't like email because of his poor writing skills and his verbal direction was that of a pothead who just awoke telling some dream. I nearly got used to doing things several times over or creating extra work due to his oversights. In this I'd make all interactions very brief and to the point, often bringing in a co-worker as witness (not a formal suspicious thing but more like "hey mark, miles wants me to reconfigure the xyz to do abc and I thought that you're still busy with that..."). So even with all the effort and so on I still had to leave that job. I learned from this that if I intend to climb the ladder, at least 80% of that is going to be how to work with or properly navigate around shitheads and dumb asses.

I also like what filmgeek says above.

But even after long periods of meditating on your next move, carefully choosing your words, and being courteous in the midst of mindblowing BS you may still have to pick up and find a different job. Just be sure to do that on your terms, not theirs.
posted by ezekieldas at 6:22 AM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I like my job. I'm good at my job. I understand how everything works. I fix shit that breaks. I've improved the organizational system at the place that I work. I'm good with customers and I always send them away happy.

That's great, but is that how your manager sees it? I can think of a handful of my coworkers who fit that description, but when they're out of the office, shit breaks because they don't do things in any sort of standard way.

A good manager might listen to your suggestions and still tell you to do things the way they've always been done this time, because quick change is going to be more destructive than anything. It sounds like you're already making some waves, just hold back a little so that it's not a tsunami. I think you and your manager are both fairly dismissive of the other. That's not going to work either way in the long term, but in the short term, an employee who dismisses his manager does a lot more harm.
posted by mikeh at 6:54 AM on January 9, 2009

You decide to do something that your manager specifically told you not to do, apparently without discussing this with him. You do bitch about this to your colleagues, and your manager walks in and overhears you. It's disappointing that he seems to have written you off as an asshole after this, but it's hardly surprising.

Why don't you try thinking of your manager as another customer? Your customers aren't necessarily smarter than you and often they don't know better than you do, and yet you claim to be able to always send them away happy. See if you can use some of those same skills to develop a decent working relationship with your boss.
posted by rjs at 7:33 AM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: thank you everyone. you all have been very helpful.

I am totally willing to assume guilt on much of this. While I have not bitched about him since nor been required to directly contradict his decisions I believe that he has most likely chalked me up to being an asshole.

the confident approach is where I speak to him like I speak to an ordinary person.
posted by Pseudology at 11:36 AM on January 9, 2009

Try making sure that he knows what you're going to do before you do it. Then you won't be having "explanations" after the fact.

You may need to hammer out some agreed-on work procedures. "After D, proceed to E unless F, in which case G, H, or I depending on country of origin." It may seem inane, but it's what a lot of companies do to get ISO 9000 certification. And you'll have something to point to instead of your own say-so.
posted by dhartung at 9:31 AM on January 10, 2009 [1 favorite]