How should I react when people visually communicate disrespect for me?
December 10, 2009 2:22 PM Subscribe
I am looking for helpful strategies for dealing with disrespectful, nonverbal behaviors. I am talking about when people give someone behind you a look or when (teenagers especially) roll their eyes to a friend because they think you can't see them. Although these behaviors make me angry, if I think with my "wise mind" I know that I shouldn't humiliate them in return. I would like to come up with some graceful and dignified strategies that discourage these behaviors. When I ignore them, I leave the situation feeling that I have betrayed myself.
This sort of thing often happens with the many teenagers I see almost daily, but adults do it too.
This sort of thing often happens with the many teenagers I see almost daily, but adults do it too.
I think you need to ignore teenagers. Any sort of way to "humiliate" them will just generate additional eye rolling when you walk away. With adults you can ask them to clarify: Did you just roll your eyes at me?
posted by shothotbot at 2:27 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by shothotbot at 2:27 PM on December 10, 2009
I suggest you don't try. That's the kind of thing that produces eye-rolling in the first place.
posted by nasreddin at 2:28 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by nasreddin at 2:28 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]
You could ask, "did you have something to add/say?" It lets the eye-roller know that you saw them, without being terribly confrontational.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 2:31 PM on December 10, 2009 [8 favorites]
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 2:31 PM on December 10, 2009 [8 favorites]
The more you try and discourage those behaviors through calling them out or making a response, the more you're encouraging them. If someone is annoyed/frustrated/whatever enough to roll their eyes, they're only going to become more annoyed/frustrated/whatever the more you talk.
posted by kro at 2:32 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by kro at 2:32 PM on December 10, 2009
Are you in a position of authority over them, or are they just teenagers you encounter at the mall or whatever? I think your reaction should be different, depending.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:37 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by restless_nomad at 2:37 PM on December 10, 2009
Best answer: In a more civilized world, people who do these things would be abandoned by their tribe to starvation in the desert. Now, we have to suffer their presence, and unfortunately the most graceful thing you can do is betray yourself and ignore them. Of course there is such a thing as positive reinforcement, but for most of these situations, I am imagining that these people are not so beholden to you that you would have enough opportunity to make it clear that you yourself are respecting the respectful - which is the general solution.
Take strength in your own personal character though. Even if other people don't respect you - well, they are mongrels and you are not.
posted by flavor at 2:43 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
Take strength in your own personal character though. Even if other people don't respect you - well, they are mongrels and you are not.
posted by flavor at 2:43 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
The solution here isn't outer directed, it is inner directed. You need to determine why this pushes your buttons/intimidates you/makes you angry/whatever. Once you deal with that, it's a non-issue.
That said, "doing something" or "saying something" will probably escalate it out of the non-verbal into the verbal or physical.
When kids at my program do something like that, I make eye contact and maintain it... in most cases that establishes me as the alpha and we then move forward... I haven't humiliated them in front of peers, they don't need to prove anything.
that...with the disclaimer that there are a few kids out there that would also respond in a negative way to the eye contact, but I don't often find that to be the case.
posted by HuronBob at 2:47 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
That said, "doing something" or "saying something" will probably escalate it out of the non-verbal into the verbal or physical.
When kids at my program do something like that, I make eye contact and maintain it... in most cases that establishes me as the alpha and we then move forward... I haven't humiliated them in front of peers, they don't need to prove anything.
that...with the disclaimer that there are a few kids out there that would also respond in a negative way to the eye contact, but I don't often find that to be the case.
posted by HuronBob at 2:47 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Have you thought about whythey might be rolling their eyes at you? I find I can say 'screw the haters' for a certain amount of time, but if I'm being criticized or having people roll their eyes at me enough, there's probably something about me that's causing it.
Don't do any of that passive-aggressive nonsense in return. It's not going to garner any respect.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:47 PM on December 10, 2009
Don't do any of that passive-aggressive nonsense in return. It's not going to garner any respect.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:47 PM on December 10, 2009
If that's not irony, flavor, then I bet you get eyes rolled at you a LOT. Mine are rolling right now.
Look, the eye-roll is a form of communication with you, even if it's ostensibly aimed at a friend. It depends somewhat on context, which is why I asked what your relationship with these people is, but I'll throw out a couple of scenarios:
If, for example, you're a schoolteacher and these are your students, the eyeroll might mean "You're dissing me in front of my friends, and I can't defend myself any other way," "You're not respecting me so I'm certainly not going to respect you," or maybe "If you only knew what was going on in my world you'd understand how ridiculous that idea is."
The way to deal with it is to figure out what's being communicated, and respond to that, rather than responding as if the communication was invariably "I'm a jerk and I don't respect you."
posted by restless_nomad at 2:49 PM on December 10, 2009 [18 favorites]
Look, the eye-roll is a form of communication with you, even if it's ostensibly aimed at a friend. It depends somewhat on context, which is why I asked what your relationship with these people is, but I'll throw out a couple of scenarios:
If, for example, you're a schoolteacher and these are your students, the eyeroll might mean "You're dissing me in front of my friends, and I can't defend myself any other way," "You're not respecting me so I'm certainly not going to respect you," or maybe "If you only knew what was going on in my world you'd understand how ridiculous that idea is."
The way to deal with it is to figure out what's being communicated, and respond to that, rather than responding as if the communication was invariably "I'm a jerk and I don't respect you."
posted by restless_nomad at 2:49 PM on December 10, 2009 [18 favorites]
I don't think you can stop it, but you can defuse it with humor. "I saw that," said quietly and with a very slight, all-knowing smile, is about a million times more effective than the more direct, "don't roll your eyes at me, young lady!" approach.
What WON'T work with teens, ever, is bringing things to a full stop and "demanding" respect. Respect is earned, especially if you are in a position of authority, and most especially if your authority is over the teen(s) doing the eye rolling.
posted by mosk at 2:52 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
What WON'T work with teens, ever, is bringing things to a full stop and "demanding" respect. Respect is earned, especially if you are in a position of authority, and most especially if your authority is over the teen(s) doing the eye rolling.
posted by mosk at 2:52 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
Self awareness is key. If you're not running around pissing people off then they're just being goofballs and showing their level of maturity.
I'm an old fart, by kids standards, so I get this all the time and have two different approaches.
1. VERY politely ask if I've done something that inconvenienced, bothered or sucked. Usually they tighten right up and apologize or say that it was something else.
2. I'll crane my neck around pretending to look for something that I may have missed, ending my turn by looking at the offender. That's when I, in a very John Belushi way, raise one eyebrow.
Whatever you do, have fun with it. We're all goofballs sometime or another.
(The same applies if you're an educator.)
posted by snsranch at 2:53 PM on December 10, 2009
I'm an old fart, by kids standards, so I get this all the time and have two different approaches.
1. VERY politely ask if I've done something that inconvenienced, bothered or sucked. Usually they tighten right up and apologize or say that it was something else.
2. I'll crane my neck around pretending to look for something that I may have missed, ending my turn by looking at the offender. That's when I, in a very John Belushi way, raise one eyebrow.
Whatever you do, have fun with it. We're all goofballs sometime or another.
(The same applies if you're an educator.)
posted by snsranch at 2:53 PM on December 10, 2009
Response by poster: I am a teacher of the teenagers, but not the adults. I was motivated to ask because a cashier did it to me today when I asked her if she had tried the soap I was buying and told her that it smells really good. I cannot imagine how my behavior warranted ridicule.
It is interesting that I am getting a lot of advice that (underneath it all) is to avoid being annoying. While I am sure we all wish to avoid being annoying, the truth is that people have different ways of being in the world and while I surround myself with people who like how I am in the world, it is not possible to go through life avoiding those who won't like it because I'm too enthusiastic about the soap.
For me, it is more important to graciously (if possible) and meaningfully register my complaint of the disrespect I've been shown than to avoid a second instance of disrespect. In my dream world, I would like to find a way to help others better respect and tolerate everyone. Sometimes I feel down when I think about how harsh people are with each other. Additionally, as someone who is working to teach and nurture these teenagers, I'm not inclined to just write off their behavior and hope they grow out of it.
Perhaps I am asking for the impossible.
posted by Original 1928 Flavor at 2:55 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
It is interesting that I am getting a lot of advice that (underneath it all) is to avoid being annoying. While I am sure we all wish to avoid being annoying, the truth is that people have different ways of being in the world and while I surround myself with people who like how I am in the world, it is not possible to go through life avoiding those who won't like it because I'm too enthusiastic about the soap.
For me, it is more important to graciously (if possible) and meaningfully register my complaint of the disrespect I've been shown than to avoid a second instance of disrespect. In my dream world, I would like to find a way to help others better respect and tolerate everyone. Sometimes I feel down when I think about how harsh people are with each other. Additionally, as someone who is working to teach and nurture these teenagers, I'm not inclined to just write off their behavior and hope they grow out of it.
Perhaps I am asking for the impossible.
posted by Original 1928 Flavor at 2:55 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: (1) Simply make (and briefly maintain) eye contact (with a neutral facial expression), but otherwise ignore the offending action completely and proceed with whatever you were doing.
(2) Give a brief, subtle "what the fuck" or "oh come on" kind of expression (think squinty/furrowed brow with a half smile) with eye contact. But, like (1), it should be in passing, as you continue with whatever you were doing.
(3) Make eye contact and glare at them for a moment, then continue with whatever you were doing.
(4) If it's a continuing action, silently make eye contact (perhaps sternly) until they stop, which they almost certainly will after you've stared at them for a little while. (I'm thinking more of a classroom situation, here.) I remember teachers doing this, and it always seemed to work. Some combination of embarrassing the offending students since you're singling them out, and showing them that you're the one in power.
Overall, these actions allow you to implicitly communicate that you're not engaging them, and also illustrate that you're not intimidated, and don't feel put down or overpowered. You're kind of calling them out, and perhaps embarrassing them a bit. And if they realize that the intended effect (some kind of bullying) isn't occurring, they'll probably start to abandon the behaviour.
I'm kind of envisioning how, in a movie theater (or lecture), if there are obnoxious kids behind you, no amount of grumbling or sighing usually shuts them up, but simply turning around and making eye contact for a second usually does the trick. It seems like people are often hesitant (afraid?) to do the make-eye-contact move; but if you just go for it, the fact that you evidently have the strength to do it kind of changes the power structure and intimidates (and silences) the obnoxious people.
posted by sentient at 3:05 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
(2) Give a brief, subtle "what the fuck" or "oh come on" kind of expression (think squinty/furrowed brow with a half smile) with eye contact. But, like (1), it should be in passing, as you continue with whatever you were doing.
(3) Make eye contact and glare at them for a moment, then continue with whatever you were doing.
(4) If it's a continuing action, silently make eye contact (perhaps sternly) until they stop, which they almost certainly will after you've stared at them for a little while. (I'm thinking more of a classroom situation, here.) I remember teachers doing this, and it always seemed to work. Some combination of embarrassing the offending students since you're singling them out, and showing them that you're the one in power.
Overall, these actions allow you to implicitly communicate that you're not engaging them, and also illustrate that you're not intimidated, and don't feel put down or overpowered. You're kind of calling them out, and perhaps embarrassing them a bit. And if they realize that the intended effect (some kind of bullying) isn't occurring, they'll probably start to abandon the behaviour.
I'm kind of envisioning how, in a movie theater (or lecture), if there are obnoxious kids behind you, no amount of grumbling or sighing usually shuts them up, but simply turning around and making eye contact for a second usually does the trick. It seems like people are often hesitant (afraid?) to do the make-eye-contact move; but if you just go for it, the fact that you evidently have the strength to do it kind of changes the power structure and intimidates (and silences) the obnoxious people.
posted by sentient at 3:05 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
I was motivated to ask because a cashier did it to me today when I asked her if she had tried the soap I was buying and told her that it smells really good.
If you are a guy, maybe she thought it was a creepy pick-up line?
posted by peep at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you are a guy, maybe she thought it was a creepy pick-up line?
posted by peep at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was motivated to ask because a cashier did it to me today when I asked her if she had tried the soap I was buying and told her that it smells really good. I cannot imagine how my behavior warranted ridicule.
Eh, don't take it personally. That sounds like a "why does everyone think I use everything at this store? Of course I don't use it. I just clock in and clock out, and don't want anything else associated with this place after I'm done for the day" eye roll.
posted by niles at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2009 [10 favorites]
Eh, don't take it personally. That sounds like a "why does everyone think I use everything at this store? Of course I don't use it. I just clock in and clock out, and don't want anything else associated with this place after I'm done for the day" eye roll.
posted by niles at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2009 [10 favorites]
I think I can guess why that young woman rolled her eyes at you. When I read your statement :
>> I asked her if she had tried the soap I was buying and told her that it smells really good. <> the first time, I could see her thinking:
a) you are suggesting she doesn't use any soap at all
b) you are thinking about her showering
I was once a teenage girl, and if an older man asked me about what soap I used, and wanted to talk about how good I could smell, I would not think he was being enthusiastic about soap. Indeed, as a "mature" woman, I would probably have the same (first) reaction. I'm sure you meant no such thing, but in my opinion that girl wasn't being rude to you, she was reacting to what she thought was your rudeness.
posted by uans at 3:13 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
>> I asked her if she had tried the soap I was buying and told her that it smells really good. <> the first time, I could see her thinking:
a) you are suggesting she doesn't use any soap at all
b) you are thinking about her showering
I was once a teenage girl, and if an older man asked me about what soap I used, and wanted to talk about how good I could smell, I would not think he was being enthusiastic about soap. Indeed, as a "mature" woman, I would probably have the same (first) reaction. I'm sure you meant no such thing, but in my opinion that girl wasn't being rude to you, she was reacting to what she thought was your rudeness.
posted by uans at 3:13 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
sometimes it's fun to be silly - I like the traditional pretend to brush something out of your eye using your middle finger
or just a second of eye contact with the head tilted a bit down, and an "I know you're being a jerk" sort of look on your face
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:19 PM on December 10, 2009
or just a second of eye contact with the head tilted a bit down, and an "I know you're being a jerk" sort of look on your face
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:19 PM on December 10, 2009
Thanks for that specific example. I think you caught the cashier at the wrong time, or maybe it's worse: She may really hate her job. She may hate her entire life, and because of that she hates you too. This isn't caused by anything you did, and in your place I'd probably just feel kind of sorry for her.
If there's not a big pattern, just realize that everyone around you is in their own little world. It doesn't have to affect your peace when someone does this. It is not a personal challenge or necessarily an affront, it's just an expression of their internal state that "comes out" a bit. I think you should just shrug and keep being friendly in the case you described. The next cashier or maybe even this one on a different day will smile when you engage her/him a bit.
On the other hand [forgive me], If there's a big pattern of everyone doing this to you, perhaps you are irritating or you come off as fake and overly-familiar. It doesn't sound like it from this one example, but it is hard to tell.
posted by fritley at 3:22 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
If there's not a big pattern, just realize that everyone around you is in their own little world. It doesn't have to affect your peace when someone does this. It is not a personal challenge or necessarily an affront, it's just an expression of their internal state that "comes out" a bit. I think you should just shrug and keep being friendly in the case you described. The next cashier or maybe even this one on a different day will smile when you engage her/him a bit.
On the other hand [forgive me], If there's a big pattern of everyone doing this to you, perhaps you are irritating or you come off as fake and overly-familiar. It doesn't sound like it from this one example, but it is hard to tell.
posted by fritley at 3:22 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
the truth is that people have different ways of being in the world and while I surround myself with people who like how I am in the world
People have the right to be rude to you. Not everyone has to treat you as if you are delightful. You can register your complaint with the store manager, but it seems like a waste of time. Your efforts are better spent accepting that some people are rude assholes who will not appreciate you, and will appreciate you even less if you try to teach them to respect you.
posted by jayder at 3:23 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
People have the right to be rude to you. Not everyone has to treat you as if you are delightful. You can register your complaint with the store manager, but it seems like a waste of time. Your efforts are better spent accepting that some people are rude assholes who will not appreciate you, and will appreciate you even less if you try to teach them to respect you.
posted by jayder at 3:23 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
I agree with peep. But I just somehow assumed you were a man. If you are a woman, then I would favour response --a--
Are you male or female?
posted by uans at 3:24 PM on December 10, 2009
Are you male or female?
posted by uans at 3:24 PM on December 10, 2009
Response by poster: I'm not that much older than her and I'm not a man.
Again, I'm not really looking for advice right now on how I am or am not annoying. I think nearly anyone who had been present would have thought what I said was harmless.
I want to know: in a situation where you have behaved politely, when you have behaved ethically, and when you have behaved even according to prevailing social norms, how do you best respond to such behavior without betraying yourself?
posted by Original 1928 Flavor at 3:24 PM on December 10, 2009
Again, I'm not really looking for advice right now on how I am or am not annoying. I think nearly anyone who had been present would have thought what I said was harmless.
I want to know: in a situation where you have behaved politely, when you have behaved ethically, and when you have behaved even according to prevailing social norms, how do you best respond to such behavior without betraying yourself?
posted by Original 1928 Flavor at 3:24 PM on December 10, 2009
You might also want to consider that some, perhaps many, people consider eye-rolling a harmless expression, and did not mean for it to offend you. In which case it is sort of partially your fault for being offended. You can more easily control that than change other people's behavior, fyi.
Best of luck.
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 3:36 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best of luck.
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 3:36 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have said on occasion something along the lines of "I'm terribly sorry you have a problem with that", in a firm but not defensive tone. It's a little condescending, makes the other person out to be the problem, and is hard to respond to, therefor not confrontational.
posted by greta simone at 3:41 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by greta simone at 3:41 PM on December 10, 2009
how do you best respond to such behavior without betraying yourself?
In my opinion, I "betray" myself if I am overly sensitive to these kinds of perceived slights. I am true to myself if I try not to take myself and being "respected" too seriously and don't spend a lot of time trying to teach people lessons.
The only time I respond to stuff like this and worry about being "disrespected" is if there is some functional reason that I need to slap the person down and establish my dominance -- e.g., that I have to show them I am tough because I need them to take me seriously, or if they're not doing their job and I need to listen to me ASAP. But even in those instances, it's a brutal kind of thing that I'd rather avoid.
posted by yarly at 3:43 PM on December 10, 2009
In my opinion, I "betray" myself if I am overly sensitive to these kinds of perceived slights. I am true to myself if I try not to take myself and being "respected" too seriously and don't spend a lot of time trying to teach people lessons.
The only time I respond to stuff like this and worry about being "disrespected" is if there is some functional reason that I need to slap the person down and establish my dominance -- e.g., that I have to show them I am tough because I need them to take me seriously, or if they're not doing their job and I need to listen to me ASAP. But even in those instances, it's a brutal kind of thing that I'd rather avoid.
posted by yarly at 3:43 PM on December 10, 2009
In that case, I think you would be doing both yourself and the manager a favour by telling him that his sales person is rude and driving away business. Begin by saying, "That was rude." This is a statement of fact, and does not betray you or lower you in any way. In fact, it isn't even about you. Then ask to speak to the manager. If s/he is there, all the better. But the cashier will probably say "s/he isn't here" etcetera; ask for the business' card. Ask for her name. Get it. Leave. And by all means, follow up. Phone the appropriate person or write a letter. She may not respect you as a person afterward-- she didn't know you as a person before, nor does she now--but she will never do it again.
posted by uans at 3:50 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by uans at 3:50 PM on December 10, 2009
I am just now reading all the comments that got posted while I wrote the above. I think different responses are called for in different situations--and the one given to us is not a social situation. And in my opinion, it is not one's own "fault" for being offended by what was done in order to offend.
posted by uans at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by uans at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2009
I guess the question here is why you feel like you've betrayed yourself. Take the conversation with the cashier. You said something innocent that amused her or rubbed her the wrong way or triggered some other unexpected reaction for some reason; she let you know that without making a big deal out of it; you backed off. I'll grant you some signals probably got crossed somewhere in there — although I'm not even going to try to guess where, because you're right, we weren't there and we don't know. So it wasn't a perfect conversation. But I'm not sure why you feel so disappointed in yourself for letting an imperfect conversation slide by. This isn't a criticism necessarily, but an honest question: what's bothering you here that you need a strategy for handling?
Of course, with your students it's a separate issue. There you do owe it to them and yourself to hold your interactions up to a high standard: it's your job to make sure those conversations go, if not perfectly, then as well as they can.
I teach undergraduates sometimes, and I find that a sincere "What's up?" — in a tone that says "Hey, whatcha thinking, what's on your mind?" rather than "Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you?" — works well. If they were trying to be disrespectful behind my back, it lets them know it failed and I noticed. If they were trying to piss me off, it lets them know that failed. And if they just wanted attention of some sort, it gives them a chance to contribute something worthwhile and trade up from negative to positive attention: win/win. But these are small discussion classes, and it sounds like you're dealing with high schoolers and not college kids anyway, so discipline is probably more of an issue for you than it is for me and I'm not sure if my approach would work in your world.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Of course, with your students it's a separate issue. There you do owe it to them and yourself to hold your interactions up to a high standard: it's your job to make sure those conversations go, if not perfectly, then as well as they can.
I teach undergraduates sometimes, and I find that a sincere "What's up?" — in a tone that says "Hey, whatcha thinking, what's on your mind?" rather than "Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you?" — works well. If they were trying to be disrespectful behind my back, it lets them know it failed and I noticed. If they were trying to piss me off, it lets them know that failed. And if they just wanted attention of some sort, it gives them a chance to contribute something worthwhile and trade up from negative to positive attention: win/win. But these are small discussion classes, and it sounds like you're dealing with high schoolers and not college kids anyway, so discipline is probably more of an issue for you than it is for me and I'm not sure if my approach would work in your world.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
In my dream world, I would like to find a way to help others better respect and tolerate everyone.
What goes around, comes around.
posted by flabdablet at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2009
What goes around, comes around.
posted by flabdablet at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2009
Response by poster: Homuncula, I value etiquette when it serves ethics, but not otherwise. For example, if someone did or said something racist, I would not bow to etiquette. I think etiquette is often used as an excuse to avoid doing what is just. This event today is not on par with racism, but I mean for it to be symbolic of all those times with the inertia of social convention (being polite, ignoring disrespect) enables disrespect.
posted by Original 1928 Flavor at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by Original 1928 Flavor at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2009
As a school bus driver, I've had lots of experience dealing with eye rolling teenagers. Usually they will do this when they have an audience of their peers. That is when you can have some fun! When the eyes start to roll, I would shriek loudly with alarm, "Are you okay?" Every teenager in the general area attention is now focused on the eye roller who is now mortified to be the center of attention. They will usually stammer, "I'm fine, why?" I would then dramatically pat myself on the chest, and say, "You scared me, I thought you were having a seizure or something, about to pass out the way your eyes were rolling." This pronouncement will bring forth screams of laughter from the other kids. I usually would look pointedly at the eye roller and say, "I'm glad you are fine."
As far as other adults in public, if they want to be jerks, that's their choice. Do not stoop to their level, nothing you can say or do will change them, doing so will only make you look like an ass.
posted by JujuB at 4:03 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
As far as other adults in public, if they want to be jerks, that's their choice. Do not stoop to their level, nothing you can say or do will change them, doing so will only make you look like an ass.
posted by JujuB at 4:03 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
I want to know: in a situation where you have behaved politely, when you have behaved ethically, and when you have behaved even according to prevailing social norms, how do you best respond to such behavior without betraying yourself?
In the situation with a stranger, like you describe with the cashier, I just think, "Well, it's their loss if they choose to miss out on a pleasant social encounter. Oh well, life is short." and then move on.
In a situation where I may see them over and over, like with students, I generally do one of two things, depending on my mood and level of patience at that moment:
1) If I'm feeling magnanimous, or I know the students well, I joke about what a dork I am, and how deserving I am of their scorn. Generally this kind of thing happens (to me) due to me being a clueless old person anyway (I'm sadly no longer current with the latest bands, for example), so I join in at poking fun at myself.
2) If I'm grouchy, or I get the sense that the eye-rolling is an indication of some real disrespect of ME personally, and not my status as clueless old teacher lady, then I do the eye-contact, go silent thing.
Once, when I really let myself go, I called a student on his disrespectful behavior, but I didn't get any great satisfaction from it.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:05 PM on December 10, 2009
In the situation with a stranger, like you describe with the cashier, I just think, "Well, it's their loss if they choose to miss out on a pleasant social encounter. Oh well, life is short." and then move on.
In a situation where I may see them over and over, like with students, I generally do one of two things, depending on my mood and level of patience at that moment:
1) If I'm feeling magnanimous, or I know the students well, I joke about what a dork I am, and how deserving I am of their scorn. Generally this kind of thing happens (to me) due to me being a clueless old person anyway (I'm sadly no longer current with the latest bands, for example), so I join in at poking fun at myself.
2) If I'm grouchy, or I get the sense that the eye-rolling is an indication of some real disrespect of ME personally, and not my status as clueless old teacher lady, then I do the eye-contact, go silent thing.
Once, when I really let myself go, I called a student on his disrespectful behavior, but I didn't get any great satisfaction from it.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:05 PM on December 10, 2009
How do you respond without betraying yourself?
(this is probably bad advice but I do it anyway) CALL THEM ON THEIR SHIT!
If you have been civil, polite, and accommadating to someone who then rolls their eyes at you... Well, fuck 'em. Unload. They decided to tap-dance on the margins of civility, what do they expect? That you'll bat your eyes and fucking moo at them? Fuck that. Life's too short to be polite to dickheads.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:05 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
(this is probably bad advice but I do it anyway) CALL THEM ON THEIR SHIT!
If you have been civil, polite, and accommadating to someone who then rolls their eyes at you... Well, fuck 'em. Unload. They decided to tap-dance on the margins of civility, what do they expect? That you'll bat your eyes and fucking moo at them? Fuck that. Life's too short to be polite to dickheads.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:05 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
And in my opinion, it is not one's own "fault" for being offended by what was done in order to offend.
I agree, but want to add that one can choose to take responsibility for one's feelings by removing the offense from where it is - inside oneself. I would prefer to be invulnerable than to be right.
posted by krilli at 4:21 PM on December 10, 2009
I agree, but want to add that one can choose to take responsibility for one's feelings by removing the offense from where it is - inside oneself. I would prefer to be invulnerable than to be right.
posted by krilli at 4:21 PM on December 10, 2009
Original 1928 Flavor, yes I fully understand how you feel about it and I apologize if my answer sounded in any way like that behavior is YOUR fault.
What you're asking about sounds very much like road rage. Someone does something and you feel the need to retaliate. But to what end? It accomplishes nothing. Ignore and move on. You don't have time for such silliness.
posted by snsranch at 4:25 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
What you're asking about sounds very much like road rage. Someone does something and you feel the need to retaliate. But to what end? It accomplishes nothing. Ignore and move on. You don't have time for such silliness.
posted by snsranch at 4:25 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am a teacher of the teenagers, but not the adults. I was motivated to ask because a cashier did it to me today when I asked her if she had tried the soap I was buying and told her that it smells really good. I cannot imagine how my behavior warranted ridicule.
I'll break this whole thing down for you.
#1: The cashier rolled her eyes at you because you were trying to make conversation while she was trying to do her job. She can't tell the parade of people who want to engage her while in line that she doesn't want to have a conversation with them, so she rolls her eyes. The alternative for her was to hide her exasperation (which some people are bad at, or don't bother to do) or tell you, which would get her fired. Take it for what it is: a social cue telling you that the level of interaction you were attempting to pursue was not appreciated. This would apply equally if you had attempted to engage another customer in a conversation that they did not want to participate in.
#2: Teenagers don't want to participate in any conversation with a teacher when their peers are around, unless they can somehow come out on top and improve their social standing. Barring that, their eyerolls and over-the-shoulder looks are a way for them to express their exasperation to their friends in front of you to improve their social standing. That's all it is, and if it bothers you, have these conversations with them at your desk after the rest of the class has left or whatnot, so that they're not engaging with anyone else but you. That, and if they still do it, ask point-blank: "it's obvious you don't want to hear this from me, so tell me: how do you feel about this?"
At the end of the day, if you're either engaging people inappropriately or in an unwanted way, you're going to get some kind of feedback that indicates their feelings. At least be glad you're getting such obvious cues...and remember that hiding/punishing the cues will do nothing to address the feelings behind them.
posted by davejay at 4:38 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'll break this whole thing down for you.
#1: The cashier rolled her eyes at you because you were trying to make conversation while she was trying to do her job. She can't tell the parade of people who want to engage her while in line that she doesn't want to have a conversation with them, so she rolls her eyes. The alternative for her was to hide her exasperation (which some people are bad at, or don't bother to do) or tell you, which would get her fired. Take it for what it is: a social cue telling you that the level of interaction you were attempting to pursue was not appreciated. This would apply equally if you had attempted to engage another customer in a conversation that they did not want to participate in.
#2: Teenagers don't want to participate in any conversation with a teacher when their peers are around, unless they can somehow come out on top and improve their social standing. Barring that, their eyerolls and over-the-shoulder looks are a way for them to express their exasperation to their friends in front of you to improve their social standing. That's all it is, and if it bothers you, have these conversations with them at your desk after the rest of the class has left or whatnot, so that they're not engaging with anyone else but you. That, and if they still do it, ask point-blank: "it's obvious you don't want to hear this from me, so tell me: how do you feel about this?"
At the end of the day, if you're either engaging people inappropriately or in an unwanted way, you're going to get some kind of feedback that indicates their feelings. At least be glad you're getting such obvious cues...and remember that hiding/punishing the cues will do nothing to address the feelings behind them.
posted by davejay at 4:38 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, and exasperation is not ridicule. They are not the same thing. I love and respect my mother, my wife, my boss, my co-workers and my kids, but they're all exasperating at times, as am I.
posted by davejay at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by davejay at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2009
I re-read my own first comment, and have a suggestion that's more actionable: if you want to see less of this behavior when you talk, start talking less and listening more.
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
er, I don't LOVE my boss or my co-workers. you know what I meant.
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on December 10, 2009
Best answer: I sympathize about the cashier. Shit like that just rankles with me too, and it sticks around all day so even at dinner I'm still thinking "guh, what a jerk that cashier was". But in that sort of situation, I don't know that there's anything really productive to be done. It's a small enough interaction that you can't escalate it ("what was that?") without seeming to be taking it too seriously. I normally just leave the situation as quickly as I can without responding.
I think the main non-escalating responses would be nonverbal - eg the icy glare, or the incredulous raised eyebrows, like "seriously? you're an adult and you just *rolled your eyes* at me?"
A non-escalating verbal response might be something like interrupting your own polite friendly sentence to register surprise at her behavior.
"I just love the way it smells, it remind me of--"
*eye roll*
"-- wow, okay then."
then silence combined with the incredulous eyebrows, and pack up your stuff and go. This makes it obvious that she's broken the social code, but doesn't give her any opening for a rude response.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:13 PM on December 10, 2009 [7 favorites]
I think the main non-escalating responses would be nonverbal - eg the icy glare, or the incredulous raised eyebrows, like "seriously? you're an adult and you just *rolled your eyes* at me?"
A non-escalating verbal response might be something like interrupting your own polite friendly sentence to register surprise at her behavior.
"I just love the way it smells, it remind me of--"
*eye roll*
"-- wow, okay then."
then silence combined with the incredulous eyebrows, and pack up your stuff and go. This makes it obvious that she's broken the social code, but doesn't give her any opening for a rude response.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:13 PM on December 10, 2009 [7 favorites]
Best answer: davejay, part of being a retail cashier is being minimally polite. That means even if some customer wants to make a little chitchat with you and you don't feel like it, you need to keep your polite face on and not roll your eyes right there at the register. (You roll your eyes later on, in the back room.) It's rude to roll your eyes while someone's talking to you, period.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:18 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:18 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with Restless Nomad to some extent, certainly in a teaching-of-teens context. Teens want to signal to their peer group that they're soooo ovah your adult boring crap, man... Yawn, but we've kinda done it ourselves back in the day right?
Teaching context: Teens don't feel any power to negotiate with you at school if they don't like what you're saying or doing. They mutter under their breath, they sigh, roll their eyes - all stuff that they can deny if you call them on it. And they are obsessed with what their peers think and want to differentiate themselves from you, the stupid old [even if you're, like, 20] teacher. My students do major eye-rolling when, say, we analyse a text from a psycho-analytic perspective, looking at sexual imagery. They don't know how to say 'um, maybe a cigar is just a cigar' or 'this is BORING!', or 'why are you so fixated on sex?' or 'lady, it's mega uncomfortable to talk about sex stuff in Lit class, enough already!' - that could get them in trouble cos it overtly states a position. When that happens in class, I address it gently 'What's with the eye-rolling? Try to put it into words here, pet.' And wait for it to happen, let whole seconds of silence pass as you wait for the words [after the denials that there was even any eye-rolling to which I say 'nevertheless, let's try to put a response into words']. Of course you have to set up a classroom dynamic from the start where it IS safe to have and debate opinions, and even approaches to learning, especially ones that contest yours as their teacher. 'It is safe to argue with me, but I'm gonna nail you for eye-rolling and any other lazy-ass stuff that stops you engaging with the project of this class, which is to express your thoughts with language.' My subject area allows this more directly than some, but it should be transferable to other subjects.
As a teacher I have to care about my students' needs; but in your example of the shop-bitch, the gloves are off! Like me, she has a job she's paid for, to act in an adult capacity to hold others in mind, not act out her crap. That's the deal she got when she took that job. I don't have to give a shit about her day, her problems, her ego, her learning [that's her boss's job before he puts her in front of a paying public] or prop her up in any other way - such as ignoring it and feeling like crap myself. I won't put up with bullshit like this, and pay for the experience. This is what I have done in a similar situation to yours: 'Eye-rolling? really? If you can't do your job nicely without trying to make me feel like shit, get someone over here who can. Thanks.' I've listened to the predictable 'I didn't! I didn't do anything!' crap and just waited it out with a 'nevertheless, please get someone else to serve me, preferably your manager'. Get her name and complain. She can bitch about you later at the mall with her bff's. LOL. Whatevah!
posted by honey-barbara at 5:29 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
Teaching context: Teens don't feel any power to negotiate with you at school if they don't like what you're saying or doing. They mutter under their breath, they sigh, roll their eyes - all stuff that they can deny if you call them on it. And they are obsessed with what their peers think and want to differentiate themselves from you, the stupid old [even if you're, like, 20] teacher. My students do major eye-rolling when, say, we analyse a text from a psycho-analytic perspective, looking at sexual imagery. They don't know how to say 'um, maybe a cigar is just a cigar' or 'this is BORING!', or 'why are you so fixated on sex?' or 'lady, it's mega uncomfortable to talk about sex stuff in Lit class, enough already!' - that could get them in trouble cos it overtly states a position. When that happens in class, I address it gently 'What's with the eye-rolling? Try to put it into words here, pet.' And wait for it to happen, let whole seconds of silence pass as you wait for the words [after the denials that there was even any eye-rolling to which I say 'nevertheless, let's try to put a response into words']. Of course you have to set up a classroom dynamic from the start where it IS safe to have and debate opinions, and even approaches to learning, especially ones that contest yours as their teacher. 'It is safe to argue with me, but I'm gonna nail you for eye-rolling and any other lazy-ass stuff that stops you engaging with the project of this class, which is to express your thoughts with language.' My subject area allows this more directly than some, but it should be transferable to other subjects.
As a teacher I have to care about my students' needs; but in your example of the shop-bitch, the gloves are off! Like me, she has a job she's paid for, to act in an adult capacity to hold others in mind, not act out her crap. That's the deal she got when she took that job. I don't have to give a shit about her day, her problems, her ego, her learning [that's her boss's job before he puts her in front of a paying public] or prop her up in any other way - such as ignoring it and feeling like crap myself. I won't put up with bullshit like this, and pay for the experience. This is what I have done in a similar situation to yours: 'Eye-rolling? really? If you can't do your job nicely without trying to make me feel like shit, get someone over here who can. Thanks.' I've listened to the predictable 'I didn't! I didn't do anything!' crap and just waited it out with a 'nevertheless, please get someone else to serve me, preferably your manager'. Get her name and complain. She can bitch about you later at the mall with her bff's. LOL. Whatevah!
posted by honey-barbara at 5:29 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
Teenagers don't give a shit about me, so why should I care about them? The ones I do care about, that's a different story.
The world is full of dirty arseholes, but I'm not gonna go around wiping each one.
posted by smoke at 5:30 PM on December 10, 2009
The world is full of dirty arseholes, but I'm not gonna go around wiping each one.
posted by smoke at 5:30 PM on December 10, 2009
"I want to know: in a situation where you have behaved politely, when you have behaved ethically, and when you have behaved even according to prevailing social norms, how do you best respond to such behavior without betraying yourself?"
I think your first mistake is taking it personal. You are also misinterpreting people's advice. Honestly, you can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it but as soon as you take it personally you are really encouraging the behavior no matter what your action is. You can't deal with the problem until you can overlook it and not let it bother you.
You don't know why this person across the counter rolled their eyes at you, exactly. You think it was because you were trying to make polite conversation, and they weren't interested. What if it really wasn't about you? It could have been something entirely different, like they were having a bad day or just broke up with their boyfriend. If that happened to me, I would probably try to throw some humor into the conversation like "its just one of those days huh?" or, "but what do I know about soap, you must be the soap expert!"
You being a teacher over teenagers I'm not sure what the best way to "deal" with that. I would imagine, just by reading your posts and your responses to other people in this forum, that most courses of action will not result in the way you want. I guess be above it, be better than it, and don't let those little shits get to you.
posted by nickerbocker at 5:39 PM on December 10, 2009
I think your first mistake is taking it personal. You are also misinterpreting people's advice. Honestly, you can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it but as soon as you take it personally you are really encouraging the behavior no matter what your action is. You can't deal with the problem until you can overlook it and not let it bother you.
You don't know why this person across the counter rolled their eyes at you, exactly. You think it was because you were trying to make polite conversation, and they weren't interested. What if it really wasn't about you? It could have been something entirely different, like they were having a bad day or just broke up with their boyfriend. If that happened to me, I would probably try to throw some humor into the conversation like "its just one of those days huh?" or, "but what do I know about soap, you must be the soap expert!"
You being a teacher over teenagers I'm not sure what the best way to "deal" with that. I would imagine, just by reading your posts and your responses to other people in this forum, that most courses of action will not result in the way you want. I guess be above it, be better than it, and don't let those little shits get to you.
posted by nickerbocker at 5:39 PM on December 10, 2009
I have a terrible habit where I roll my eyes sometimes when I'm thinking of best how to answer someone's question, especially if I'm trying to remember something. (I guess I'm subconsciously trying to look into my brain for help.) I don't even know I'm doing it unless someone calls me on it.
When people call me on it I feel terrible and apologize profusely and try to explain... However if someone just acted rude to me "back" I would be really confused and think they were a jerk.
Maybe other people do this as well? Either way, I think asking, "Why does my question make you roll your eyes?" is a good thing to do. If they are being an asshole on purpose, at least watching them struggle because they got busted would be pretty funny.
posted by Kloryne at 5:46 PM on December 10, 2009
When people call me on it I feel terrible and apologize profusely and try to explain... However if someone just acted rude to me "back" I would be really confused and think they were a jerk.
Maybe other people do this as well? Either way, I think asking, "Why does my question make you roll your eyes?" is a good thing to do. If they are being an asshole on purpose, at least watching them struggle because they got busted would be pretty funny.
posted by Kloryne at 5:46 PM on December 10, 2009
"In my dream world, I would like to find a way to help others better respect and tolerate everyone."
Insert eye roll here.
That's nice. In my dream world people would have a thicker skin and a sense of humor about the foibles of others and their eye-rolley ways of "being in the world."
I defer here to the venerable Miss Manners. She would say that adults should not correct other adults, even when it's in service of pointing out their poor manners. She would also suggest that you try not to work yourself into a huff over the fleeting expression of a stranger - one who has potentially hundreds of exchanges with people every day and who probably does not make a lot of money.
But, if you must take some sort of instructive action, I suggest you go the store manager and say "That clerk - she rolled her eyes at me over soap! Can you believe it? Soap! I demand action!"
posted by space_cookie at 6:00 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
Insert eye roll here.
That's nice. In my dream world people would have a thicker skin and a sense of humor about the foibles of others and their eye-rolley ways of "being in the world."
I defer here to the venerable Miss Manners. She would say that adults should not correct other adults, even when it's in service of pointing out their poor manners. She would also suggest that you try not to work yourself into a huff over the fleeting expression of a stranger - one who has potentially hundreds of exchanges with people every day and who probably does not make a lot of money.
But, if you must take some sort of instructive action, I suggest you go the store manager and say "That clerk - she rolled her eyes at me over soap! Can you believe it? Soap! I demand action!"
posted by space_cookie at 6:00 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
I work with teenagers every day and definitely have this issue of eye-rolling/generally nasty body language on a regular basis. Dealing with this involves picking my battles. Some things get ignored. When I assign students a task and am met with angry sighs or sucking teeth, I might tease them for overreacting by joining in on their complaints: "Oh my g-d this is the worst thing she has ever asked us to do!!!" If it's an appropriate time, I do sometimes end up calling the student out for his/her disrespect - depending on the child/situation, this might mean a simple, emotion-less "Using that kind of disrespectful body language in this classroom is unacceptable," or it might mean a deeper conversation.
The only reason I can have some small success with these techniques is that I have a relationship with these students. I see them every day, I work with them, I help them out, and they mostly realize that being disrespectful isn't appropriate (and that being disrespectful could mean a trip to an administrator, or a phone call home). In every day situations, however, like with a cashier in a store, no such relationship exists. I could definitely confront someone who uses disrespectful body language, but I can't imagine anything good coming out of it when I've never met the person before and will never meet them again. I wish I could say "Oh here is something you can say!" but I don't believe there's anything you can say that will actually affect a stranger's behavior, and saying something is would probably just result in an even ruder response.
posted by violetish at 7:14 PM on December 10, 2009
The only reason I can have some small success with these techniques is that I have a relationship with these students. I see them every day, I work with them, I help them out, and they mostly realize that being disrespectful isn't appropriate (and that being disrespectful could mean a trip to an administrator, or a phone call home). In every day situations, however, like with a cashier in a store, no such relationship exists. I could definitely confront someone who uses disrespectful body language, but I can't imagine anything good coming out of it when I've never met the person before and will never meet them again. I wish I could say "Oh here is something you can say!" but I don't believe there's anything you can say that will actually affect a stranger's behavior, and saying something is would probably just result in an even ruder response.
posted by violetish at 7:14 PM on December 10, 2009
I've been reading this thread trying to suss out why I'm so perplexed by the situation given, and kathrineg hit it on the head: "As far as respecting you or making them afraid of you, you should probably not chat with them in a friendly way in the first place."
Should the cashier have rolled her eyes? No. She shouldn't have. But the appropriate response for you, if you're trying to make friendly conversation, is to give it a friendly shrug and figure she must have had a very bad day or really been in a rush. This is almost always the appropriate response in a social interaction - you assume extenuating circumstances.
And if you're not trying to make friendly conversation, what are you doing making small talk about your purchases? (If it wasn't small talk but a request for a professional opinion, it should have been a question about her opinion of the soap, not a question about her, well, personal hygiene.)
And of course, at higher-class places (fancy glycerin soap stores, etc) there's an assumption that the employees are enthusiastic enough about the products that they'll be happy to talk to you about their experiences with them, so the eye-roll really becomes weird and I'd certainly say something to express concern (probably with the expected side effect of making her feel a bit guilty about having been rude). A simple, "I'm sorry, was there something wrong with my question?" would do the trick.
posted by Lady Li at 8:55 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Should the cashier have rolled her eyes? No. She shouldn't have. But the appropriate response for you, if you're trying to make friendly conversation, is to give it a friendly shrug and figure she must have had a very bad day or really been in a rush. This is almost always the appropriate response in a social interaction - you assume extenuating circumstances.
And if you're not trying to make friendly conversation, what are you doing making small talk about your purchases? (If it wasn't small talk but a request for a professional opinion, it should have been a question about her opinion of the soap, not a question about her, well, personal hygiene.)
And of course, at higher-class places (fancy glycerin soap stores, etc) there's an assumption that the employees are enthusiastic enough about the products that they'll be happy to talk to you about their experiences with them, so the eye-roll really becomes weird and I'd certainly say something to express concern (probably with the expected side effect of making her feel a bit guilty about having been rude). A simple, "I'm sorry, was there something wrong with my question?" would do the trick.
posted by Lady Li at 8:55 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Mod note: few comments removed - can we keep this somewhat narrowly focused and not get into workplace etiquette and "wtf"ish replies? thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:31 PM on December 10, 2009
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:31 PM on December 10, 2009
A brief moment of eye contact is very effective. Definitely communicates the fact that "I saw that." Being a parent of teens, I have cultivated a "Really? You're going to do the eyeroll thing?" look to use with that brief moment of eye contact.
posted by cross_impact at 6:22 AM on December 11, 2009
posted by cross_impact at 6:22 AM on December 11, 2009
No reaction. No point, it's just defending your ego.
posted by jmmpangaea at 7:37 AM on December 11, 2009
posted by jmmpangaea at 7:37 AM on December 11, 2009
davejay, part of being a retail cashier is being minimally polite. That means even if some customer wants to make a little chitchat with you and you don't feel like it, you need to keep your polite face on and not roll your eyes right there at the register. (You roll your eyes later on, in the back room.) It's rude to roll your eyes while someone's talking to you, period.
I was a retail cashier for two years, and am aware of this. However, cashiers (like most people) have bad days too, and after a couple crazy customers, your tolerance for things can really drop -- but you have to go right on working, so you cope as best you can. Heck, I still remember the time a cranky older woman in line gave me tons of coupons to use, and as I went through them they were all expired. When I told her I couldn't take any of them, she started giving me a hard time. I said as politely as I could "Ma'am, I'm just doing my job", and she replied "so was Hitler." Since this took place at a Dominick's Finer Foods in Skokie, Illinois, the vast majority of people in my line were Jewish and started yelling at her. But most days, it's smaller annoyances adding up to "crap I have three more hours on my shift and my feet hurt and I wish I had enough to pay my rent this month without putting in this many hours and oh ffs how would I know whether the tomato sauce has salt in it why don't you just read the label?"
So I stand by my comment, is what I'm saying -- inasmuch as I never said it wasn't rude, just tried to give insight as to why she might have done it.
posted by davejay at 9:45 PM on December 13, 2009
I was a retail cashier for two years, and am aware of this. However, cashiers (like most people) have bad days too, and after a couple crazy customers, your tolerance for things can really drop -- but you have to go right on working, so you cope as best you can. Heck, I still remember the time a cranky older woman in line gave me tons of coupons to use, and as I went through them they were all expired. When I told her I couldn't take any of them, she started giving me a hard time. I said as politely as I could "Ma'am, I'm just doing my job", and she replied "so was Hitler." Since this took place at a Dominick's Finer Foods in Skokie, Illinois, the vast majority of people in my line were Jewish and started yelling at her. But most days, it's smaller annoyances adding up to "crap I have three more hours on my shift and my feet hurt and I wish I had enough to pay my rent this month without putting in this many hours and oh ffs how would I know whether the tomato sauce has salt in it why don't you just read the label?"
So I stand by my comment, is what I'm saying -- inasmuch as I never said it wasn't rude, just tried to give insight as to why she might have done it.
posted by davejay at 9:45 PM on December 13, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by adamrice at 2:26 PM on December 10, 2009