I don't give a damn. Tell me how to fix it?
December 21, 2008 12:40 PM Subscribe
I don't give a damn. Why?
I have a hard time giving a flying fuck about anything but myself these days. I don't know if it's years of depression or years of just not listening to other people and caring about what they're talking about when they speak ... or both.
For example, my dad passed away this March and I still have a difficult time giving a damn about when my mom starts talking to me or my sister who starts talking to me. Like my mom will start talking to me in the morning after I wake up a while and tell me about what's kinda going on in the day and if I could maybe do a chore or some task she'd like me to do to help her out. I just monosyllabic my way through the conversations because I couldn't care less and that disturbs me partially.
I say partially because part of me likes thinking the world revolves around me and my depression and that no one else really matters that much anyway.
Now this depression/not listening/ narcissitic habit started way before my dad passed away. But of course it's magnified since I sit in the same chair on my computer that my dad used to sit in and now my mom comes to me instead of my dad.
Before I get any selfish asshole replies (which I don't think I will, this board has been very helpful and kind in the past), know that I really don't want to fix it. Like I make half-assed attempts to fix it sometimes but when it doesn't work , I just don't care and revert back to old habits.
FWIW. I see a therapist (for meds) , a psychologist (for talk therapy) and am on Cymbalta 120 mg and some sleeping pills from the same therapist.
I exercise fairly religiously, I have a problem with overeating. I don't know if that info helps anyone. Who cares right?
-Travis
I have a hard time giving a flying fuck about anything but myself these days. I don't know if it's years of depression or years of just not listening to other people and caring about what they're talking about when they speak ... or both.
For example, my dad passed away this March and I still have a difficult time giving a damn about when my mom starts talking to me or my sister who starts talking to me. Like my mom will start talking to me in the morning after I wake up a while and tell me about what's kinda going on in the day and if I could maybe do a chore or some task she'd like me to do to help her out. I just monosyllabic my way through the conversations because I couldn't care less and that disturbs me partially.
I say partially because part of me likes thinking the world revolves around me and my depression and that no one else really matters that much anyway.
Now this depression/not listening/ narcissitic habit started way before my dad passed away. But of course it's magnified since I sit in the same chair on my computer that my dad used to sit in and now my mom comes to me instead of my dad.
Before I get any selfish asshole replies (which I don't think I will, this board has been very helpful and kind in the past), know that I really don't want to fix it. Like I make half-assed attempts to fix it sometimes but when it doesn't work , I just don't care and revert back to old habits.
FWIW. I see a therapist (for meds) , a psychologist (for talk therapy) and am on Cymbalta 120 mg and some sleeping pills from the same therapist.
I exercise fairly religiously, I have a problem with overeating. I don't know if that info helps anyone. Who cares right?
-Travis
if you don't care enough to change it, what can we say?
get out of that chair. get off the computer. step outside of yourself. volunteer. there's a lot of people who need help, and being needed has a way making people feel more a part of life. your mother asks you to do dumb chores that wouldn't matter if they got done or not. go out and find people who would sink or swim based on your participation.
you can use your depression as a crutch or a blanket - or you can do something about it. we can't make that decision for you.
posted by nadawi at 12:54 PM on December 21, 2008
get out of that chair. get off the computer. step outside of yourself. volunteer. there's a lot of people who need help, and being needed has a way making people feel more a part of life. your mother asks you to do dumb chores that wouldn't matter if they got done or not. go out and find people who would sink or swim based on your participation.
you can use your depression as a crutch or a blanket - or you can do something about it. we can't make that decision for you.
posted by nadawi at 12:54 PM on December 21, 2008
I don't give a damn. Tell me how to fix it?
and
know that I really don't want to fix it.
Which one is it? (Not snark.) Where's the question in this question? Are you asking how to want to fix it?
posted by availablelight at 12:55 PM on December 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
and
know that I really don't want to fix it.
Which one is it? (Not snark.) Where's the question in this question? Are you asking how to want to fix it?
posted by availablelight at 12:55 PM on December 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
Maybe you should stop exercising. It seems to be an activity that while entirely good for you, is one done for selfish reasons. You can get exercise selflessly by volunteering at a food bank and hauling boxes of food to and from a truck. Or if helping humanity isn't your thing, consider a project of hard labour with a goal in sight. Perhaps build a deck for your family, or landscape your backyard. Put those hours of exercise into something productive, with an end result, either for those less fortunate for you, or maybe for your family, especially if you cannot show them you care directly.
posted by ageispolis at 12:57 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by ageispolis at 12:57 PM on December 21, 2008
I'm not in the habit of recommending pseudo-buddhist books, but what the hell: read this. It helped me.
posted by googly at 12:57 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by googly at 12:57 PM on December 21, 2008
I don't understand- you said you wanted to fix it, and then you said you didn't want to fix it.
Your situation sounds like depression. When I get a real big case of not-giving-a-fuck, I find it really helps when I get outside- do ANYTHING to break my ordinary grind.
Living with parents doesn't help when you need to get up and do something, either.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:58 PM on December 21, 2008
Your situation sounds like depression. When I get a real big case of not-giving-a-fuck, I find it really helps when I get outside- do ANYTHING to break my ordinary grind.
Living with parents doesn't help when you need to get up and do something, either.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:58 PM on December 21, 2008
Are you still depressed? It sounds like you're undergoing treatment, but is it working? I would seriously press the issue with each of your doctors, describe for them what you've written here. Treating depression can be a long term process and it make take several different strategies before you get it under control. The reason I mention it is because "not caring" is very symptomatic of general depression. Treat the depression successfully and you may find that this problem subsides.
Your profile says you're 22, and it sounds as if you still live at home. I think feelings of "not caring" are semi-common at that age (as is depression itself.)
Are you in school? Do you have goals or direction in life? Do you have a significant other? Can you articulate any wants or desires for yourself?
It's easy not to care about anything when you're aimless and unfocused. If you discover something that is interesting to you, that moves you in a certain direction, you may find that life takes on a more concrete character. When you can connect how you spend your days now with obtaining a long term goal in the future, things may take on a new relevance.
I'll give you a half-ass example: You decide you like reading about history. Therefore you study it at school with the goal of making some sort of career out of it. Having settled on a long term goal (career in history) you can then put the pieces together to make it happen (deadlines for graduate programs, etc.) which translate into how you spend your time today (getting application materials together.)
It's a lame example, your goal could just as easily be "making money" or "getting laid," but you get the idea. The point is that when you have direction time seems more real, and suddenly the things you do with yourself take on meaning.
I was pretty aimless in my 20s and for me "getting my act together" (I really hate trite phraseology like that) helped me connect myself with how I spent my time and what I cared about.
You can private message me if you'd like to talk more about it. Good luck, you'll be fine.
posted by wfrgms at 12:59 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Your profile says you're 22, and it sounds as if you still live at home. I think feelings of "not caring" are semi-common at that age (as is depression itself.)
Are you in school? Do you have goals or direction in life? Do you have a significant other? Can you articulate any wants or desires for yourself?
It's easy not to care about anything when you're aimless and unfocused. If you discover something that is interesting to you, that moves you in a certain direction, you may find that life takes on a more concrete character. When you can connect how you spend your days now with obtaining a long term goal in the future, things may take on a new relevance.
I'll give you a half-ass example: You decide you like reading about history. Therefore you study it at school with the goal of making some sort of career out of it. Having settled on a long term goal (career in history) you can then put the pieces together to make it happen (deadlines for graduate programs, etc.) which translate into how you spend your time today (getting application materials together.)
It's a lame example, your goal could just as easily be "making money" or "getting laid," but you get the idea. The point is that when you have direction time seems more real, and suddenly the things you do with yourself take on meaning.
I was pretty aimless in my 20s and for me "getting my act together" (I really hate trite phraseology like that) helped me connect myself with how I spent my time and what I cared about.
You can private message me if you'd like to talk more about it. Good luck, you'll be fine.
posted by wfrgms at 12:59 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Are you under the impression that people who "care" are always enjoying themselves while they're being selfless? Most of us do caring things all the time that we'd rather not do. Like you, we don't want to be selfish people, so we push ourselves to be selfless regardless of whether we enjoy it or not. (Though when things are going really well, virtue can be its own reward.)
Part of your problem may be that your entire context (at least in your post) is family. Family is a fraught and dirty test tube. Volunteer or get a job that requires you to do thing for strangers.
posted by grumblebee at 1:00 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Part of your problem may be that your entire context (at least in your post) is family. Family is a fraught and dirty test tube. Volunteer or get a job that requires you to do thing for strangers.
posted by grumblebee at 1:00 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
This not giving a damn of yours--it's working for you. In other words, your behavior is gaining you something you need. What that need *is*, however, isn't for me to say. I have no idea why you don't care about others, if that's even true. At any rate, since what you're doing is working, there's not so much motivation to change, is there? Except the problem is that obviously something about how you interact (or not) with others that's bothering you, or else you wouldn't be here.
See if you can figure out the benefit you're getting from being self-centered. I think you've got a good starting point with: part of me likes thinking the world revolves around me and my depression.
posted by Stewriffic at 1:00 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
See if you can figure out the benefit you're getting from being self-centered. I think you've got a good starting point with: part of me likes thinking the world revolves around me and my depression.
posted by Stewriffic at 1:00 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
(oh, and yeah, your treatment for depression doesn't sound like it's working so well. discuss with your meds provider...)
posted by Stewriffic at 1:01 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by Stewriffic at 1:01 PM on December 21, 2008
If you care only about yourself at this stage, get a job if you don't already have one. Then use the money to buy things for yourself that make you happy. With something to occupy your mind (a job and shiny things you bought for yourself) plus all the exercise you do, you'll be able to start the road to recovery from your depression.
This isn't an overnight cure, of course, but its probably the best way to get over the rut you're in. Of course. first you'll need to WANT to do any of this. That part no one here can help you with. You'll need to do that bit on your own.
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:07 PM on December 21, 2008
This isn't an overnight cure, of course, but its probably the best way to get over the rut you're in. Of course. first you'll need to WANT to do any of this. That part no one here can help you with. You'll need to do that bit on your own.
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:07 PM on December 21, 2008
I'm in a similar situation. The meds aren't working. Print this out and take to your meds doctor.
posted by CwgrlUp at 1:29 PM on December 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by CwgrlUp at 1:29 PM on December 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
Youre depressed, your posting history proves that. Depression has an emotional flattening affect. I think its time to see a therapist for your depression or change treatments.
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:59 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:59 PM on December 21, 2008
You don't want to change it.
Fair enough.
Do you want to feel like this until you die of old age? I'm guessing based on the references in your post (mother present, siblings) that you're under 30, possibly under 20.
Assuming you don't self destruct before old age has a chance to due you in, that's about 50 odd years left based on average male life expectancy.
Unless you want it to be five decades of self pity and self absorption, you might want to get more effective treatment than you're currently getting.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 2:48 PM on December 21, 2008
Fair enough.
Do you want to feel like this until you die of old age? I'm guessing based on the references in your post (mother present, siblings) that you're under 30, possibly under 20.
Assuming you don't self destruct before old age has a chance to due you in, that's about 50 odd years left based on average male life expectancy.
Unless you want it to be five decades of self pity and self absorption, you might want to get more effective treatment than you're currently getting.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 2:48 PM on December 21, 2008
Time to grow up kid. 21 proven motivation tactics
posted by netbros at 2:59 PM on December 21, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by netbros at 2:59 PM on December 21, 2008 [3 favorites]
I had a splitting headache one time that disappeared in a second after I got my ring finger smashed between two bowling balls on the ball return. I think this principle could help you. Go bowling. Give yourself something concrete to worry about.
posted by RussHy at 3:04 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by RussHy at 3:04 PM on December 21, 2008
Somewhere around here a while back, somebody made a comment about depression that stuck with me, and I will paraphrase it (poorly) for you here: depression is the only disease that can convince you that it's right. The flu doesn't leave you feeling like your life is more "real" or "honest" than those of people who don't have the flu. Appendicitis doesn't make you think you deserve appendicitis. The measles doesn't leave you feeling like it's probably easier to stick with the measles than it would be to recover. But depression is a tricky bastard, because it will make you feel like it's easier and more real to stay depressed. It will make you feel like it's too much work to get over it, and probably not worth the effort anyway.
Don't believe your depression. Fight back. Talk to your therapist and your doctor and tell them that your current regimen isn't working. I know depression makes it impossible to believe, but you CAN feel better. Just keep working with the pros, even if you don't believe right now that it will work.
posted by vytae at 3:41 PM on December 21, 2008 [4 favorites]
Don't believe your depression. Fight back. Talk to your therapist and your doctor and tell them that your current regimen isn't working. I know depression makes it impossible to believe, but you CAN feel better. Just keep working with the pros, even if you don't believe right now that it will work.
posted by vytae at 3:41 PM on December 21, 2008 [4 favorites]
If your mom and your sister are sooo annoying, why don't you move? I don't know you, and maybe living alone is the worst thing for you, but it could very well be the best. You have to take some chances and get out of your comfort zone to get the change you want. And you do want to change, despite your world-weary tone; after all, why would you bother to post here if you didn't?
Nthing talk to a therapist about this.
posted by zardoz at 4:16 PM on December 21, 2008
Nthing talk to a therapist about this.
posted by zardoz at 4:16 PM on December 21, 2008
Hey Travis,
Have you considered the Peace Corps? This would get you out of your home-with-Mom situation, would give you a perspective on people who are far less fortunate than yourself, give you an opportunity to help them, and would improve your self-esteem, which apparently has been in the crapper for a long while. Seriously. You are stuck in a longterm malaise, and asking the AskMefite community can only do so much. You need to get out of your head, out of your chronic self-absorption, and a total change of scenery might do it. And if even considering this scares the s**t out of you, then you should definitely do it.
Be well, man.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:20 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Have you considered the Peace Corps? This would get you out of your home-with-Mom situation, would give you a perspective on people who are far less fortunate than yourself, give you an opportunity to help them, and would improve your self-esteem, which apparently has been in the crapper for a long while. Seriously. You are stuck in a longterm malaise, and asking the AskMefite community can only do so much. You need to get out of your head, out of your chronic self-absorption, and a total change of scenery might do it. And if even considering this scares the s**t out of you, then you should definitely do it.
Be well, man.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:20 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Found it! To give credit where it's due, I give you tkolar's previous comment. There are lots of other good suggestions in that thread, too.
posted by vytae at 9:06 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by vytae at 9:06 PM on December 21, 2008
IANAP. You probably have dysthymia.
As one of the two chief forms of clinical depression, it usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer. The American Psychiatric Association defines dysthymia as depressed mood most of the time for at least two years, along with at least two of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating; insomnia or excessive sleep; low energy or fatigue; low self-esteem; poor concentration or indecisiveness; and hopelessness.
I used to have horrendous major depressions, defined more or less as caring a great deal about all the pain I was in. For the most part I now have long stretches of dysthymia instead. It's actually an improvement in some ways.
The way it is manifesting as a social interaction issue is probably secondary.
I would suggest talking to your therapist some about these issues, but instead I think you may want to look into Morita therapy, a Japanese strain of psychotherapy that has elements of Zen. There's a great book by David K. Reynolds called Playing Ball on Running Water. What you seem to need is a way to get a grasp on the ball that is life and just start paying attention. This is something that requires a bit of practice, so you can start on inanimate objects instead of listening to people. Just say to yourself I am going to note everything out of the ordinary on this bus ride (or whatever) and then do it. If you Mom starts talking to you, turn away from the computer and actively listen to her. This should be a daily exercise for you until it feels more natural.
But basically you have to start with the recognition that your not paying attention consciously bothers you, which likely means it has subconsciously been contributing to your depression for a long time. You just need to take back the reins.
posted by dhartung at 11:28 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
As one of the two chief forms of clinical depression, it usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer. The American Psychiatric Association defines dysthymia as depressed mood most of the time for at least two years, along with at least two of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating; insomnia or excessive sleep; low energy or fatigue; low self-esteem; poor concentration or indecisiveness; and hopelessness.
I used to have horrendous major depressions, defined more or less as caring a great deal about all the pain I was in. For the most part I now have long stretches of dysthymia instead. It's actually an improvement in some ways.
The way it is manifesting as a social interaction issue is probably secondary.
I would suggest talking to your therapist some about these issues, but instead I think you may want to look into Morita therapy, a Japanese strain of psychotherapy that has elements of Zen. There's a great book by David K. Reynolds called Playing Ball on Running Water. What you seem to need is a way to get a grasp on the ball that is life and just start paying attention. This is something that requires a bit of practice, so you can start on inanimate objects instead of listening to people. Just say to yourself I am going to note everything out of the ordinary on this bus ride (or whatever) and then do it. If you Mom starts talking to you, turn away from the computer and actively listen to her. This should be a daily exercise for you until it feels more natural.
But basically you have to start with the recognition that your not paying attention consciously bothers you, which likely means it has subconsciously been contributing to your depression for a long time. You just need to take back the reins.
posted by dhartung at 11:28 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
hear hear, vytae. I would add "Depression is the only disease you have to be persuaded you have".
posted by telstar at 11:53 PM on December 21, 2008
posted by telstar at 11:53 PM on December 21, 2008
I second netbros' comment to just grow the hell up.
I'm a strong believer that intelligent humans can overcome most "mental disorders" themselves. It's time for introspection and all that fun crap. No one is going to fix this for you. Metafilter, your shrink, your mom, your friends.... no one will fix it for you. You have to fix it. Deal with your own issues.
Here's a book that may help you: A Guid to Rational Living. The important thing you should take away from this book is that you don't feel this way because of things other people do to/around/towards you. You feel this way because you MAKE yourself feel this way. You TELL yourself not to care, or to be mopey, or sad, or depressed.
Get over it. Deal with your issues, and man up.
posted by phrakture at 11:37 AM on December 22, 2008
I'm a strong believer that intelligent humans can overcome most "mental disorders" themselves. It's time for introspection and all that fun crap. No one is going to fix this for you. Metafilter, your shrink, your mom, your friends.... no one will fix it for you. You have to fix it. Deal with your own issues.
Here's a book that may help you: A Guid to Rational Living. The important thing you should take away from this book is that you don't feel this way because of things other people do to/around/towards you. You feel this way because you MAKE yourself feel this way. You TELL yourself not to care, or to be mopey, or sad, or depressed.
Get over it. Deal with your issues, and man up.
posted by phrakture at 11:37 AM on December 22, 2008
I think you should become more selfish. Really.
Choose for yourself:
To become a grownup.
Get your own place.
Get your own successful career.
Get in shape.
Make sure you are on the right meds.
Start a savings account for yourself.
Create a life you find interesting.
Etc.
The self involved part of yourself can be a good ally in making this happen. It just needs to change it's focus.
Depression is a type of self involvement. Keep the self involvement, change the direction. You will find that the more successful you are, the more compassionate you will be, as I believe people with depression usually care very much for others naturally, they are just stuck.
At least that worked for me...
posted by Vaike at 12:02 PM on December 22, 2008
Choose for yourself:
To become a grownup.
Get your own place.
Get your own successful career.
Get in shape.
Make sure you are on the right meds.
Start a savings account for yourself.
Create a life you find interesting.
Etc.
The self involved part of yourself can be a good ally in making this happen. It just needs to change it's focus.
Depression is a type of self involvement. Keep the self involvement, change the direction. You will find that the more successful you are, the more compassionate you will be, as I believe people with depression usually care very much for others naturally, they are just stuck.
At least that worked for me...
posted by Vaike at 12:02 PM on December 22, 2008
I just wanted to come back and call bull shit on the people telling you to 'man up.' That's some sexist junk right there. Mental health problems are real and wide ranging. Don't give up, there is a right combo of meds/therapy/lifestyle for you to be happy.
posted by CwgrlUp at 7:59 PM on December 23, 2008
posted by CwgrlUp at 7:59 PM on December 23, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is something you really, really need to discuss with your psychologist, and probably with your psychiatrist in terms of med adjustment. If the meds are not making a significant difference to your quality of life, that's a sign they need to be altered.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:54 PM on December 21, 2008 [1 favorite]