How do I tell my boyfriend I want to hear "I love you" and feel crazy passion from him soon?
November 10, 2008 2:22 PM Subscribe
How do I tell my boyfriend I want to hear "I love you" and feel crazy passion from him soon? I don't think it should be taking so long. We've been seeing each other for over 8 months, 2 to 3 times a week. If he was thinking about this relationship seriously and wanting to commit shouldn't he be asking me questions about future plans? if I want a family? thoughts on marriage? moving in? All things I would like if only he asked. I don't know how to discuss this with him. I also don't want to be the one repeatedly bringing it up. I want to see some initiative from him. How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
Uh, I mean, it help to hear how old you are. I've been in a relationship for close to 2 years, and while we tell each other we love each other all the time, we're young enough so that thinking about long term plans such as marriage and family is still far away.
Have you brought any of this up yet? You say you want to see him show the initiative, but if you're not showing any initiative yourself, maybe you need to.
posted by QuarterlyProphet at 2:32 PM on November 10, 2008
Have you brought any of this up yet? You say you want to see him show the initiative, but if you're not showing any initiative yourself, maybe you need to.
posted by QuarterlyProphet at 2:32 PM on November 10, 2008
"Hey, Boyfriend, I think we need to talk about our future plans. I'm crazy about you, and I think it's time for us to figure out where we both see the future heading. I'd really to start planning a family and a life together with you. If you don't think that you can see us heading in that situation, then we have a problem."
You have as much control over this relationship as he does; use it. Ask the questions you want answers to, tell him what you want, and find out what he wants.
posted by Ms. Saint at 2:36 PM on November 10, 2008 [3 favorites]
You have as much control over this relationship as he does; use it. Ask the questions you want answers to, tell him what you want, and find out what he wants.
posted by Ms. Saint at 2:36 PM on November 10, 2008 [3 favorites]
I agree with disillusioned...he may be saying it in other ways, so be sure to look for his cues. But still, if hearing the words is important to you, put the matzah ball out there...say "I love you" and wait for the return.
posted by agentwills at 2:38 PM on November 10, 2008
posted by agentwills at 2:38 PM on November 10, 2008
If you want initiative from him, then asking for it defeats the purpose.
That said, 8 months isn't very long and I think you're being impatient.
posted by Class Goat at 2:39 PM on November 10, 2008
That said, 8 months isn't very long and I think you're being impatient.
posted by Class Goat at 2:39 PM on November 10, 2008
communication is so important in relationships and everyone communicates differently - hell most people communicate differently depending on who they're talking to. no one, especially a board full of strangers, can tell you how to talk to the person you're supposed to be intimately involved with .
the short answer, i think, is that you can't push someone to say or feel something they don't or something they aren't good at expressing.
you can look for other clues to his intimacy level - how does he interact with his family? lots of 'i love you's' and calls and togetherness? or is he the kind of guy that shakes his father's hand? does he tell friends he loves them? does he express emotions when something touching or hurtful happens? all of this could point to if he's just sort of a stone externally about these things or not.
"tell me you love me or i'm leaving" is a pretty shitty place to put someone you love in.
posted by nadawi at 2:39 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
the short answer, i think, is that you can't push someone to say or feel something they don't or something they aren't good at expressing.
you can look for other clues to his intimacy level - how does he interact with his family? lots of 'i love you's' and calls and togetherness? or is he the kind of guy that shakes his father's hand? does he tell friends he loves them? does he express emotions when something touching or hurtful happens? all of this could point to if he's just sort of a stone externally about these things or not.
"tell me you love me or i'm leaving" is a pretty shitty place to put someone you love in.
posted by nadawi at 2:39 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Funny thing about humans,... you cant MAKE them behave a certain way. You can tell him you'd like to hear him say "I love You" more often. You can suggest to him that being more passionate towards you would thrill you.... but you cant MAKE him do these things. Making it a requirement or ultimatum is probably only going to make the relationship more stressful and drama-filled. (also I like what disillusioned said above: make sure you keep your awareness open fully just in case you might be missing the little way he does show affection)
If you want to be adult and respectful about it,.. you'll sit down and have a conversation that doesnt involve any fingerpointing or blame. Dont make him feel bad. Be caring and constructive, even if the conversation doesnt go the way you want it to. Say things like: Down the road I'd like more concrete future plans.. possibly a family or marriage and living together. Are those things you've thought about?.. are they things you want? (and remember, just because he hasnt thought about them, or hasnt decided - doesnt make him a bad person.) If you want him to open up and truly honestly share his real feelings, then you need to create a trusting conversation-environment without any requirements or ultimatums. Show him by the way you converse with him that you care about him and that you respect his thoughts and emotions, no matter what they are. Also remember that your timeline may be different than his. Everyone grows and matures at different speeds and everyone has different priorities that change sometimes daily.
It is possible to understand each others differences.. be respectful... and (if necessary) decide your long term future together may not be feasible .... and still be friends. Its not easy. .but its doable. The more I learn and grow,..the more I believe that the #1 most important thing in any relationship is communication.
posted by jmnugent at 2:44 PM on November 10, 2008 [2 favorites]
If you want to be adult and respectful about it,.. you'll sit down and have a conversation that doesnt involve any fingerpointing or blame. Dont make him feel bad. Be caring and constructive, even if the conversation doesnt go the way you want it to. Say things like: Down the road I'd like more concrete future plans.. possibly a family or marriage and living together. Are those things you've thought about?.. are they things you want? (and remember, just because he hasnt thought about them, or hasnt decided - doesnt make him a bad person.) If you want him to open up and truly honestly share his real feelings, then you need to create a trusting conversation-environment without any requirements or ultimatums. Show him by the way you converse with him that you care about him and that you respect his thoughts and emotions, no matter what they are. Also remember that your timeline may be different than his. Everyone grows and matures at different speeds and everyone has different priorities that change sometimes daily.
It is possible to understand each others differences.. be respectful... and (if necessary) decide your long term future together may not be feasible .... and still be friends. Its not easy. .but its doable. The more I learn and grow,..the more I believe that the #1 most important thing in any relationship is communication.
posted by jmnugent at 2:44 PM on November 10, 2008 [2 favorites]
If he was thinking about this relationship seriously and wanting to commit shouldn't he be asking me questions about future plans? if I want a family? thoughts on marriage? moving in?
I don't think a "should" or "shouldn't" here is appropriate. Some people will feel like discussing these things after eight months, and many won't. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily try to change how you feel about the timeline, but it might mean that you should find someone more compatible.
I don't think a lack of interest in these questions indicates a lack of commitment or seriousness. You can be in a serious, committed relationship that does not last until cohabitation, marriage, or reproduction. But if you only want to be in a relationship that ends up with these things, it is good to be able to talk about these things.
All things I would like if only he asked. I don't know how to discuss this with him. I also don't want to be the one repeatedly bringing it up. I want to see some initiative from him.
I think this attitude is somewhat unhelpful. Are you trying to get him to discuss these issues with you openly, or are you looking for an excuse to dump him? If you want to discuss the issues, then you should do so. Don't want to bring it up repeatedly? Don't, then. Try once or twice. See how that goes.
If you otherwise think your boyfriend would be a good life partner, why give that up just because he won't initiate a conversation that may be awkward and uncomfortable? Maybe he doesn't know how to discuss this with you either.
How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
OK, here's how you don't do it: with ultimatums. You don't even know what he thinks about this stuff yet. Once you do you will be able to get an idea of how long you should stick around. Maybe you should end it right now, rather than waiting four months. Maybe you should wait longer than that before making a decision. Be a little flexible.
I try not to read too much into these things, but you don't give the impression in your question that you love your boyfriend or feel crazy passion for him either.
posted by grouse at 2:45 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
I don't think a "should" or "shouldn't" here is appropriate. Some people will feel like discussing these things after eight months, and many won't. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily try to change how you feel about the timeline, but it might mean that you should find someone more compatible.
I don't think a lack of interest in these questions indicates a lack of commitment or seriousness. You can be in a serious, committed relationship that does not last until cohabitation, marriage, or reproduction. But if you only want to be in a relationship that ends up with these things, it is good to be able to talk about these things.
All things I would like if only he asked. I don't know how to discuss this with him. I also don't want to be the one repeatedly bringing it up. I want to see some initiative from him.
I think this attitude is somewhat unhelpful. Are you trying to get him to discuss these issues with you openly, or are you looking for an excuse to dump him? If you want to discuss the issues, then you should do so. Don't want to bring it up repeatedly? Don't, then. Try once or twice. See how that goes.
If you otherwise think your boyfriend would be a good life partner, why give that up just because he won't initiate a conversation that may be awkward and uncomfortable? Maybe he doesn't know how to discuss this with you either.
How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
OK, here's how you don't do it: with ultimatums. You don't even know what he thinks about this stuff yet. Once you do you will be able to get an idea of how long you should stick around. Maybe you should end it right now, rather than waiting four months. Maybe you should wait longer than that before making a decision. Be a little flexible.
I try not to read too much into these things, but you don't give the impression in your question that you love your boyfriend or feel crazy passion for him either.
posted by grouse at 2:45 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
We've been seeing each other for over 8 months, 2 to 3 times a week. [...] shouldn't he be asking me questions about future plans? if I want a family? thoughts on marriage? moving in?
That probably depends on your personal situation.
I mean, if you're 18 years old then planning your marriage after 8 months would be pretty early. On the other hand if you're in your 30s, you probably have the maturity to decide at 8 months whether marriage is on the table.
On the other hand even at age 18, if you've been waiting for 8 months for him to say 'I love you' then hey, if it was going to happen it would have happened already.
posted by Mike1024 at 2:45 PM on November 10, 2008
That probably depends on your personal situation.
I mean, if you're 18 years old then planning your marriage after 8 months would be pretty early. On the other hand if you're in your 30s, you probably have the maturity to decide at 8 months whether marriage is on the table.
On the other hand even at age 18, if you've been waiting for 8 months for him to say 'I love you' then hey, if it was going to happen it would have happened already.
posted by Mike1024 at 2:45 PM on November 10, 2008
"Tell me you love me and show me crazy passion" does not equal "Talk to me about marriage and childrearing and make long-term plans" does not equal "Hey, do you want to move in together."
That might be your first problem, Anon.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:49 PM on November 10, 2008 [5 favorites]
That might be your first problem, Anon.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:49 PM on November 10, 2008 [5 favorites]
If he was thinking about this relationship seriously and wanting to commit shouldn't he be asking me questions about future plans? if I want a family? thoughts on marriage? moving in?
After eight months? Forgive me, but I'm guessing you're still kinda young - am I right? Eight months isn't necessarily that long for a lot of people, especially for the kind of intimacy you're talking about. He may not ever want what you want, of course. But he might. You can't know. But you can calm down and enjoy the relationship you're having right now, instead of missing out on it because you're fixated on some future one you might not have.
How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
You don't, because that would be weird. If you told me that, I'd be walking out on you in a matter of minutes, not waiting for you to leave me in a year. A relationship shouldn't be a job with deadlines.
If you're wanting some affection and passion in the relationship, what are you doing to put it there? Are you showing affection for him, in a spontaneous and playful way (I make the distinction because honestly, it sounds like you might have it in you to show it in a stiff, demanding and clingy way)? If so, how does he react? If not, why?
But first of all, maybe you need to be clear in your head that healthy dating is not some verbal contract commiting both parties to moving toward a set level of pre-determined intimacy by a reasonable deadline. There are no inevitabilities or givens in any relationship, especially near the start, and those who assume there are tend to, in my experience, be a bit scary. And I'm saying this having experienced it from both sides.
Do you want a commitment from him? After only eight months? Are you sure? What kind of commitment? And why? Is it because you honestly see yourself spending years with him, or is it because you think something like marriage (or whatever) is the only way to signify closeness, and are having trouble envisioning a relationship without moving toward some goal? Is this love speaking, or anxiety?
If it really is the former, and you really have been flexibly affectionate with him, you should probably bring it up. I don't mean set an ultimatum, or make a speech, but start asking the questions of him you want him to ask of you.
He may see it coming; it may be that he hasn't brought these things up because he feels a pressure coming from you, even if you've been silent. Or he's totally oblivious. Or he's nervous in the same way you are. Or he simply doesn't want what you want. None of these things are, in themselves, necessarily either bad or good.
Either way my advice to you is to calm down, figure out what you really want, and check in to see if the way things are right now are really so awful.
posted by regicide is good for you at 2:50 PM on November 10, 2008 [5 favorites]
After eight months? Forgive me, but I'm guessing you're still kinda young - am I right? Eight months isn't necessarily that long for a lot of people, especially for the kind of intimacy you're talking about. He may not ever want what you want, of course. But he might. You can't know. But you can calm down and enjoy the relationship you're having right now, instead of missing out on it because you're fixated on some future one you might not have.
How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
You don't, because that would be weird. If you told me that, I'd be walking out on you in a matter of minutes, not waiting for you to leave me in a year. A relationship shouldn't be a job with deadlines.
If you're wanting some affection and passion in the relationship, what are you doing to put it there? Are you showing affection for him, in a spontaneous and playful way (I make the distinction because honestly, it sounds like you might have it in you to show it in a stiff, demanding and clingy way)? If so, how does he react? If not, why?
But first of all, maybe you need to be clear in your head that healthy dating is not some verbal contract commiting both parties to moving toward a set level of pre-determined intimacy by a reasonable deadline. There are no inevitabilities or givens in any relationship, especially near the start, and those who assume there are tend to, in my experience, be a bit scary. And I'm saying this having experienced it from both sides.
Do you want a commitment from him? After only eight months? Are you sure? What kind of commitment? And why? Is it because you honestly see yourself spending years with him, or is it because you think something like marriage (or whatever) is the only way to signify closeness, and are having trouble envisioning a relationship without moving toward some goal? Is this love speaking, or anxiety?
If it really is the former, and you really have been flexibly affectionate with him, you should probably bring it up. I don't mean set an ultimatum, or make a speech, but start asking the questions of him you want him to ask of you.
He may see it coming; it may be that he hasn't brought these things up because he feels a pressure coming from you, even if you've been silent. Or he's totally oblivious. Or he's nervous in the same way you are. Or he simply doesn't want what you want. None of these things are, in themselves, necessarily either bad or good.
Either way my advice to you is to calm down, figure out what you really want, and check in to see if the way things are right now are really so awful.
posted by regicide is good for you at 2:50 PM on November 10, 2008 [5 favorites]
You sound pretty passive here. What have you been doing while you're waiting to hear him say those longed-for words? Why is it his job to bring up the future? Nthing the sage advice to have a calm, loving, non-blamy conversation with him about where you see this relationship going. Don't waste a lot of time angsting about why doesn't he bring it up -- you're a big person, use your words!
posted by ottereroticist at 2:53 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ottereroticist at 2:53 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Oh, and "crazy passion" is not something anyone can produce on request. If that's really a requirement for you, and he's not feeling it, then you already have your answer.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:54 PM on November 10, 2008
posted by ottereroticist at 2:54 PM on November 10, 2008
The only thing you shouldn't do is just wait and hope he'll read your mind and start expressing commitment in the way you want.
You've got to either tell him or show him what you need, otherwise you're not going to get it. You might not get it anyhow, but it's a little unfair to not let him know that you're unhappy. Unfair to both of you, by the way.
Especially because it seems like you know what you need to fix that unhappiness. Whether or not he can or cares to provide it, is a different story. (Also when you have this conversation, you might be sure to ask what he needs too).
I tried this-- the waiting, hoping maybe he'd somehow suddenly see that I needed commitment for the relationship to work out. It was a bad bad idea. By the time we finally actually talked about it things were irreparable and two years later I'm still sort of emotionally stuck. Don't do this to yourself and him; ask him for what you need, and talk about ways to get it. (Do you really need to be engaged tomorrow? probably not. Do you want to make plans for things that are happening in the next few months? probably. Start low as far as what you feel you need; if you don't need to get married tomorrow, don't ask for it. If you do-- uh, you might want to reevaluate.)
posted by nat at 2:56 PM on November 10, 2008
You've got to either tell him or show him what you need, otherwise you're not going to get it. You might not get it anyhow, but it's a little unfair to not let him know that you're unhappy. Unfair to both of you, by the way.
Especially because it seems like you know what you need to fix that unhappiness. Whether or not he can or cares to provide it, is a different story. (Also when you have this conversation, you might be sure to ask what he needs too).
I tried this-- the waiting, hoping maybe he'd somehow suddenly see that I needed commitment for the relationship to work out. It was a bad bad idea. By the time we finally actually talked about it things were irreparable and two years later I'm still sort of emotionally stuck. Don't do this to yourself and him; ask him for what you need, and talk about ways to get it. (Do you really need to be engaged tomorrow? probably not. Do you want to make plans for things that are happening in the next few months? probably. Start low as far as what you feel you need; if you don't need to get married tomorrow, don't ask for it. If you do-- uh, you might want to reevaluate.)
posted by nat at 2:56 PM on November 10, 2008
As somebody who just went through a similar situation, make sure you're prepared for the answer either way. But, remember, if he doesn't love you or see a future with you, it's better to find that out now rather than further down the line when you're even more invested.
posted by Raichle at 2:57 PM on November 10, 2008
posted by Raichle at 2:57 PM on November 10, 2008
be really careful of measuring your relationship against "should's" or what someone thinks you should be saying/doing/feeling.
how did you go into this relationship? was it clear to him that you were looking for a serious relationship and for someone you could build a future and a family with? what other kind of commitment do you want from him? what does it look like? what does it feel like? to you eight months clearly seems like forever. to me it says you just got started. other people would have different insights. it doesn't mean that you're wrong, but if you think you've been dating forever and he thinks you're at the beginning of the relationship, it could explain something.
have you told him that you love him?
have you even generally discussed thoughts on marriage and children? do you know that he even wants any of the above?
and the last thing, the request for 'crazy passion'. what does that look like to you? what does that feel like to you? i have a feeling it's the kind of thing that's binary - it's either there or it's not.
you are right to state your terms for the relationship, and state them now, before you go on for a year and a half only to find out that he's honestly not that into you and has all sorts of things he wants that aren't compatible with you.
apparently lots of women put these kinds of ultimatums on guys and some of them actually sit there and take it, the whole "if i don't see a ring in six months i'm leaving". I don't live in that world so I don't get it. But I know it happens. maybe the poster also lives in that hemisphere. but if that's the case mefi isn't going to help them.
posted by micawber at 3:08 PM on November 10, 2008
how did you go into this relationship? was it clear to him that you were looking for a serious relationship and for someone you could build a future and a family with? what other kind of commitment do you want from him? what does it look like? what does it feel like? to you eight months clearly seems like forever. to me it says you just got started. other people would have different insights. it doesn't mean that you're wrong, but if you think you've been dating forever and he thinks you're at the beginning of the relationship, it could explain something.
have you told him that you love him?
have you even generally discussed thoughts on marriage and children? do you know that he even wants any of the above?
and the last thing, the request for 'crazy passion'. what does that look like to you? what does that feel like to you? i have a feeling it's the kind of thing that's binary - it's either there or it's not.
you are right to state your terms for the relationship, and state them now, before you go on for a year and a half only to find out that he's honestly not that into you and has all sorts of things he wants that aren't compatible with you.
apparently lots of women put these kinds of ultimatums on guys and some of them actually sit there and take it, the whole "if i don't see a ring in six months i'm leaving". I don't live in that world so I don't get it. But I know it happens. maybe the poster also lives in that hemisphere. but if that's the case mefi isn't going to help them.
posted by micawber at 3:08 PM on November 10, 2008
To me, this is telling:
How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
Not so much that it's an ultimatum, but if you're willing to give him up because he's not acting the way you want, then he's probably not the guy for you, now or later. If you're not feeling "crazy passion" now, you won't later.
posted by NoraCharles at 3:24 PM on November 10, 2008
How do I tell him this and add that if I don't see something from him after a year or so I just won't be hanging around.
Not so much that it's an ultimatum, but if you're willing to give him up because he's not acting the way you want, then he's probably not the guy for you, now or later. If you're not feeling "crazy passion" now, you won't later.
posted by NoraCharles at 3:24 PM on November 10, 2008
If he was thinking about this relationship seriously and wanting to commit shouldn't he be asking me questions about future plans?
Not necessarily. You're making the classic mistake of assuming that your way of taking the relationship seriously is the only way possible. You need to talk to him rather than sitting there getting annoyed because he hasn't read your mind. What you need/want is valid, but, as I've said before, on this similar thread, he has as much right to be who he is as you have to be who you are. You're going to have to work this out between you. It's the only way.
posted by Chairboy at 3:30 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Not necessarily. You're making the classic mistake of assuming that your way of taking the relationship seriously is the only way possible. You need to talk to him rather than sitting there getting annoyed because he hasn't read your mind. What you need/want is valid, but, as I've said before, on this similar thread, he has as much right to be who he is as you have to be who you are. You're going to have to work this out between you. It's the only way.
posted by Chairboy at 3:30 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
How do I tell my boyfriend I want to hear "I love you" and feel crazy passion from him soon?
Hmm. Yeah. About that. If you haven't seen that yet, you're not going to. I'm going to say you should do both him and you a favor and break this off if that is what you need. He is one of two things right now:
1) Not feeling it that much. He's just chillin. He likes you, and likes being with you, but doesn't really want to do the whole "life" thing with you.
2) Crazy insane loves and wants you forever and all that jazz, but is unable to express it in a way you find acceptable. If this is the case, he's not ever going to "learn" to be passionate. It's not his bag.
What this all comes down to is that you've got to love him for who he is, nothing more and nothing less. If you are looking for some Hollywood movie quality romance, complete with protestations of undying love, battles with other suitors for your attentions, and coming home to a bed covered in rose petals, then you probably should find someone like that (sidenote: good luck).
Ask this guy what he wants. If it's what you want too, then accept the way he chooses to express it, or move on to someone who matches you better. If it's not what you want, then move on right away.
posted by zhivota at 4:33 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Hmm. Yeah. About that. If you haven't seen that yet, you're not going to. I'm going to say you should do both him and you a favor and break this off if that is what you need. He is one of two things right now:
1) Not feeling it that much. He's just chillin. He likes you, and likes being with you, but doesn't really want to do the whole "life" thing with you.
2) Crazy insane loves and wants you forever and all that jazz, but is unable to express it in a way you find acceptable. If this is the case, he's not ever going to "learn" to be passionate. It's not his bag.
What this all comes down to is that you've got to love him for who he is, nothing more and nothing less. If you are looking for some Hollywood movie quality romance, complete with protestations of undying love, battles with other suitors for your attentions, and coming home to a bed covered in rose petals, then you probably should find someone like that (sidenote: good luck).
Ask this guy what he wants. If it's what you want too, then accept the way he chooses to express it, or move on to someone who matches you better. If it's not what you want, then move on right away.
posted by zhivota at 4:33 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
If he was nuts about you you would know that already, probably.
Is he someone who outside of the bedroom acts in caring loving ways or is it possible you are just a step or so above friends with benefits?
Hoping and wishing someone was madly in love with you does not make it so. If he is just comfortable with how things are and feels no compunction to take it up a notch, it is what it is. But I agree with those who say take a look at his nonverbal communication. Not everyone is comfortable expressing deep emotions with words.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:56 PM on November 10, 2008
Is he someone who outside of the bedroom acts in caring loving ways or is it possible you are just a step or so above friends with benefits?
Hoping and wishing someone was madly in love with you does not make it so. If he is just comfortable with how things are and feels no compunction to take it up a notch, it is what it is. But I agree with those who say take a look at his nonverbal communication. Not everyone is comfortable expressing deep emotions with words.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:56 PM on November 10, 2008
Someone isn't going to get more passionate after eight months. They might get more committed, or more deeply in love, but they are not going to spontaneously burst out in a fit of passion that wasn't there before.
We are missing a ton of details here, and I'm not even sure how you're intending the word "passion." As a euphemism for sexual intimacy? For his feelings in general? He can be educated in the ways of the former. The latter is, like I said, a lost cause after eight months. We don't know how he feels about you - it's a little alarming that you don't either. That said, I don't remember my now-husband asking me questions about our future plans (until he actually proposed). It grew out of an organic conversation between us. I told him what I wanted. He told me what he wanted. It was natural to talk to each other about these things, and if I'd felt fear or hesitation I'd have known he wasn't the one. Certainly there is always a risk of rejection when you expose your feelings to someone, but after eight months there should at least be some comfort level in discussing them.
As everyone else has said, an ultimatum is a very very bad thing, and you don't do that to someone you love. If he did say he loved you within that year-long timeframe, how would you know it was for real? Maybe he just said it to keep you around. You're really setting yourself up for disaster here. Talk to him.
posted by desjardins at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
We are missing a ton of details here, and I'm not even sure how you're intending the word "passion." As a euphemism for sexual intimacy? For his feelings in general? He can be educated in the ways of the former. The latter is, like I said, a lost cause after eight months. We don't know how he feels about you - it's a little alarming that you don't either. That said, I don't remember my now-husband asking me questions about our future plans (until he actually proposed). It grew out of an organic conversation between us. I told him what I wanted. He told me what he wanted. It was natural to talk to each other about these things, and if I'd felt fear or hesitation I'd have known he wasn't the one. Certainly there is always a risk of rejection when you expose your feelings to someone, but after eight months there should at least be some comfort level in discussing them.
As everyone else has said, an ultimatum is a very very bad thing, and you don't do that to someone you love. If he did say he loved you within that year-long timeframe, how would you know it was for real? Maybe he just said it to keep you around. You're really setting yourself up for disaster here. Talk to him.
posted by desjardins at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Do not assume.
What you see in your relationship and what your boyfriend sees in your relationship may be closer than you realize. But to assume you know what he thinks or feels or to layer your model for what love and expression is onto his behavior is doing nothing but inviting heartache.
Talk to him. It's the mature and thoughtful thing to do. Ask him if he feels the same way, if he desires the same things. If he doesn't you know what you have to do, find someone who does.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 7:57 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
What you see in your relationship and what your boyfriend sees in your relationship may be closer than you realize. But to assume you know what he thinks or feels or to layer your model for what love and expression is onto his behavior is doing nothing but inviting heartache.
Talk to him. It's the mature and thoughtful thing to do. Ask him if he feels the same way, if he desires the same things. If he doesn't you know what you have to do, find someone who does.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 7:57 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
An ultimatum is not necessarily a bad thing. When you're absolutely ready to move to the next level, and you've been clear about what you want, and it hasn't materialized yet, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying "I'd really like this relationship to progress to the next level. I'm interested in moving toward a time when we live together with a view toward marriage. Are you thinking along the same lines? We've had eight months to start to figure it out, and I'm ready to take that next step for you. If you need a few more months, I'm willing to give this up to a year so that we can see whether there's a future here for the two of us."
Some people drag their feet. Some people don't realize what they have and what they stand to lose. When they hear a clearly defined boundary and a set of goals from their partner, it can be the wake-up call that makes them decide which side of the relationship to plant their feet in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying "My expectations for this relationship are here. Where are yours? Are you willing to negotiate about them?" Sometimes, people who don't do this are the ones who waste the most time in nowhere relationships. Knowing what you want and being able to express it are very important keys to happiness in relationships.
The worst-case scenario is mousily saying nothing because you're afraid that expressing your feelings and your desire to move forward is going to end the relationship. If that would end the relationship, then guess what? It wasn't a very strong relationship. IT's natural and normal and regular to want relationships to progress in intimacy and security. Don't feel bad for wanting this and don't let anyone tell you it's not all right to ask for it.
Not everyone is interested in their relationships developing that way - or in their relationships developing that way with you - but there is no harm whatsoever in saying "I'd like to see us making plans within the next six months. If it's not that important to you to do that, then we should probably both move on." Because that's the truth. There are other people out there who would be happy to date you, and the more time you spend with someone who's not sure, the less time you have for other possibilities. So find out if he's on your page. 8 months ....in your forties...is definitely time enough for both partners to have a meaningful and honest response to the question "so where is this going?" You don't have to pussyfoot around. You're not nervous kids anymore.
posted by Miko at 8:03 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Some people drag their feet. Some people don't realize what they have and what they stand to lose. When they hear a clearly defined boundary and a set of goals from their partner, it can be the wake-up call that makes them decide which side of the relationship to plant their feet in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying "My expectations for this relationship are here. Where are yours? Are you willing to negotiate about them?" Sometimes, people who don't do this are the ones who waste the most time in nowhere relationships. Knowing what you want and being able to express it are very important keys to happiness in relationships.
The worst-case scenario is mousily saying nothing because you're afraid that expressing your feelings and your desire to move forward is going to end the relationship. If that would end the relationship, then guess what? It wasn't a very strong relationship. IT's natural and normal and regular to want relationships to progress in intimacy and security. Don't feel bad for wanting this and don't let anyone tell you it's not all right to ask for it.
Not everyone is interested in their relationships developing that way - or in their relationships developing that way with you - but there is no harm whatsoever in saying "I'd like to see us making plans within the next six months. If it's not that important to you to do that, then we should probably both move on." Because that's the truth. There are other people out there who would be happy to date you, and the more time you spend with someone who's not sure, the less time you have for other possibilities. So find out if he's on your page. 8 months ....in your forties...is definitely time enough for both partners to have a meaningful and honest response to the question "so where is this going?" You don't have to pussyfoot around. You're not nervous kids anymore.
posted by Miko at 8:03 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
ALl that said, when I reread your post it sounds like you're being really passive...waiting for him to be the one to ask you to move in, about families, etc. THis isn't up to him. These are your desires, and it's up to you to ask about them. He might not even know you have these expectations. Take the lead - start talking. Don't wait around for other people to flail their way toward the life you want, which you seem to have a pretty clear vision of. Go get it.
posted by Miko at 8:06 PM on November 10, 2008
posted by Miko at 8:06 PM on November 10, 2008
8 months is a short time in a relationship overall, though it really depends on your age-range.
Also, don't forget people all have different personal histories and find different meanings in words. My fiance said 'I love you' to me way before I was ready to reciprocate, having just ended a long-term relationship before with a guy I grew out of love with. 'I love you' meant a lot for me, it meant I was as sure as I could be I wouldn't be out of love with him too in the forseeable future and that I wanted to build my future life with him.
Maybe you want to initiate the conversation with him about future plans, but don't relate that to wanting him say 'I love you'. Those can be two separate things, but opening the dialogue is a definite must. If you're really unsure of yourself, why not jokingly ask questions like 'can you imagine us living together?' in completely weird but 'homey' situations (e.g. while cooking dinner, under the shower) and see his reaction, while making it clear you're teasing him.
As for showing crazy passion, that's probably a personality trait that will not change. If he hasn't shown that in ways you can see, either try to see other ways in which he expresses himself or accept he's just not a showy person.
And as everyone else has said, you can be the active person in this relationship and bring things up. It takes two in a relationship, both being equal partners, and being able to express your needs is a key point into making it work.
posted by tweemy at 1:52 AM on November 11, 2008
Also, don't forget people all have different personal histories and find different meanings in words. My fiance said 'I love you' to me way before I was ready to reciprocate, having just ended a long-term relationship before with a guy I grew out of love with. 'I love you' meant a lot for me, it meant I was as sure as I could be I wouldn't be out of love with him too in the forseeable future and that I wanted to build my future life with him.
Maybe you want to initiate the conversation with him about future plans, but don't relate that to wanting him say 'I love you'. Those can be two separate things, but opening the dialogue is a definite must. If you're really unsure of yourself, why not jokingly ask questions like 'can you imagine us living together?' in completely weird but 'homey' situations (e.g. while cooking dinner, under the shower) and see his reaction, while making it clear you're teasing him.
As for showing crazy passion, that's probably a personality trait that will not change. If he hasn't shown that in ways you can see, either try to see other ways in which he expresses himself or accept he's just not a showy person.
And as everyone else has said, you can be the active person in this relationship and bring things up. It takes two in a relationship, both being equal partners, and being able to express your needs is a key point into making it work.
posted by tweemy at 1:52 AM on November 11, 2008
If he was thinking about this relationship seriously and wanting to commit shouldn't he be asking me questions about future plans? if I want a family? thoughts on marriage? moving in?
After eight months? Wow.
But if this is really what you want after eight months, and you aren't getting it, perhaps you aren't with the right person. You need to talk to him to work this out, though. Believe me, I was once with someone who wasn't giving me what I wanted but didn't want to lose him by expressing this - I won't deny that it was painful, but sometimes you have to assess a situationa and take painful action that's better in the long run. Or it could be that he turns round and says 'What - is it not *obvious* how I feel?'
For many people, eight months is very very early to be thinking about the big commitments you mention above, but not too early to know how you feel about someone. You two should talk. And you should be prepared for the answer and to act accordingly. Hopefully that act will be to carry on as you're going.
posted by mippy at 8:08 AM on November 11, 2008
After eight months? Wow.
But if this is really what you want after eight months, and you aren't getting it, perhaps you aren't with the right person. You need to talk to him to work this out, though. Believe me, I was once with someone who wasn't giving me what I wanted but didn't want to lose him by expressing this - I won't deny that it was painful, but sometimes you have to assess a situationa and take painful action that's better in the long run. Or it could be that he turns round and says 'What - is it not *obvious* how I feel?'
For many people, eight months is very very early to be thinking about the big commitments you mention above, but not too early to know how you feel about someone. You two should talk. And you should be prepared for the answer and to act accordingly. Hopefully that act will be to carry on as you're going.
posted by mippy at 8:08 AM on November 11, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
So call him out on it if it bothers you. Tell him that you'd really like to see him express his feelings towards you a bit more and that it doesn't need to hit a quota or be a certain way but that you're not really sure where he stands on things with you and that you need to know.
And if he doesn't change, then DTMFA.
But really, also recognize that different people express their love differently. There's a lot of talk about "love languages" but they have some bearing—some people aren't comfortable saying it aloud, and express it through touch and gifts and proximity and other things. So look to those things and try to understand how he expresses it. And use that information to determine if he's expressing it and you're just not hip to his style, or if he's genuinely not feeling quite the same way.
posted by disillusioned at 2:29 PM on November 10, 2008