Bound for Rebound

March 3, 2006 11:03 AM

There's this girl. I have been a casual aquaintance of this girl for about two years. A week and a half ago we bumped into each other at the grocery store, and something was in the air. Two days later, we bump into each other again at a restaurant where we somehow exchange phone numbers. Since then, a week and a half later, we have been texting each other like crazy, talking on the phone, emailing, and have had a few walks and talks together. There is some intense chemistry going on. This is a great thing!
Now if it was only that simple. This girl just broke up with her boyfriend of two years yesterday. They actually lived together but she moved out about 4 months ago when they broke up for the first time.... She was the one that has initiated the breaking up, and from what I have gathered from her friends, she was going to break up with him regardless of any chemistry between us. It sounds like they have pretty much been on the outs for quite some time.
So.....with this 'situation' and this intense chemistry, how do I approach this one. Head for the hills? Give her some time? Wear a shirt that says 'Rebound Boy'? I am very interested in getting to know her but I also am very aware of what she may or may not be going through right now. Am I a complete idiot?
posted by jasondigitized to Human Relations (32 answers total)

Enjoy it, but rebound sex is immoral, in my opinion.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:05 AM on March 3, 2006

I agree with TJH. Furthermore, give her time and space. Looks like she dumped her boyfriend to be with you since it just happened yesterday, even if it was just a convenient excuse. What a mess. Do people always hop from one person to the next?
posted by letterneversent at 11:08 AM on March 3, 2006

Hey, why don't you ask her?
posted by thirteenkiller at 11:10 AM on March 3, 2006

"on the ups and outs."

I can relate to that.

My last ex was an absolute FLAKE. Basically, for the first few months of the relationship, it was beautiful. He was courteous. He was a prince. Then after the dust settled, it got ugly. Ugly enough that I wanted out, but for various reasons (and trust me, there were plenty - I'm the kind of girl who would pack up a bag and leave if a guy so much as THREATEN to slap me) I had to stay. Finally, I got the chance to move out, but in my head, I really wasn't in love for the past 8 months of the relationship.

Technically, we were together, but emotionally, I wasn't. So when I broke up, I never thought about him again. Really, we broke up 8 months prior to the move out. I just hadn't moved out, that's all.

Then a month later I met the man I'm still with. That was two years ago. It's still good. We've settled. He had his doubts in the beginning, since he thought, well, I did only break up with the last guy a month ago, but heck, the chemistry is great, we had everything to talk about, there's a huge age gap but what the heck, we'd get over it.

And we did. So no, you're NOT a complete idiot.
posted by Sallysings at 11:11 AM on March 3, 2006

give her some time ... enjoy her company ... take it easy ... and, no, you're not a complete idiot
posted by pyramid termite at 11:14 AM on March 3, 2006

Whats to complain about? This is a wonderful opportunity. You got lucky with the timing-- she is now available, freed from emotional baggage, looking for something new, ready to fall in love again, and probably interested in a lot of intense sex. Embrace it!
posted by petsounds at 11:14 AM on March 3, 2006

If you're just looking for sex, go for it.

If you want to actually start a relationship, WAIT. This is experience talking. It will crash and burn.
posted by radioamy at 11:19 AM on March 3, 2006

Go for it. Who the hell knows what will happen. The worst thing you can do in love matters is to worry about "what happens if I get hurt?" As long as the consequence is just regular ol' heartbreak, you should ignore it. Because it will happen most of the time. Even if you crash and burn, there's always another.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:21 AM on March 3, 2006

Head for the hills?

If she asks you to.

Give her some time?

If she asks you to.

Wear a shirt that says 'Rebound Boy'?

Probably best not, even if she asks you to.

what she may or may not be going through right now

Have you asked her?

Am I a complete idiot?

Only if you don't ask her what she thinks.
posted by normy at 11:23 AM on March 3, 2006

Enjoy it, but rebound sex is immoral, in my opinion.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:05 AM PST on March 3 [!]


What in hell are you on about? No one is in a relationship, and everyone is consenting. Can you explain to me where the immorality comes from? Sometimes, after a breakup, people wanna have sex. If a person of sound mind wants to have sex... you're just wrong.
posted by jon_kill at 11:23 AM on March 3, 2006

If she moved out 4 months ago, I dont see what the problem is. Since then, she just may have not had the courage to end it but it sounds like it was over already.

I dont see the cause for alarm that everyone else here seems to see.
posted by vacapinta at 11:23 AM on March 3, 2006

Banjo and the Pork (my now-wife) dumped her boyfriend and we had our first "official" date that weekend. So go for it. Have fun.

I'd avoid bogging things down in Serious Relationship Feelings Talk at the moment. Just sit back and revel in the chemistry and let things happen naturally. Yeah, there may be a chance that you're going to need a Rebound Boy tshirt, but at least you'll get a good time out of it.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:27 AM on March 3, 2006

I think it would be different if HE broke up with her, in my humble opinion.
posted by konolia at 11:27 AM on March 3, 2006

I was Rebound Girl for a guy who ended a six year relationship a few days after he met me. I think I was a distraction, and a way for him to avoid dealing with his feelings about his break-up. On the other hand, another ex-boyfriend who I dated for five years married the first girl he dated after we broke up. They are still, as far as I know, quite happy 6 years later. My advice: Be cautious and don't get too serious for a few months. Don't be a crutch for her. But don't miss out on an opportunity for something good because you're afraid of being hurt.
posted by amro at 11:38 AM on March 3, 2006

Kiss her, you fool.
posted by frogan at 11:48 AM on March 3, 2006

I was in a somewhat similar situation. I met a girl, started seeing her and after about 2 weeks i came to understand she was recently out of a major multi-year relationship. She said she was over him and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but I still made little snide 'rebound' jokes and explained i was waiting for the other shoe to fall. We had multiple conversations about it and every time she assured me that while she wasn't expecting to meet someone she liked so much so soon, she wasn't using me as a rebound. We fit together perfectly, she was funny and smart and was interested in having crazy adventures just like me. 3 months down the road, we were seeing each other every chance we had and talking every night. She even asked me to be exclusive (which was a big step for her). We had plans to sneak away on a romantic vacation, and to attend some family christmas party. Everything was perfect.

One week later she saw her ex boyfriend, called me, dumped me, and hasn't talked to me since.

In conclusion, I don't regret anything. Just be cautious because regardless of how much she assures you she's baggage free.... Anyways, it hurt a whole lot but the pain faded quick and now I get to tell the story to anyone who'll listen.

Good luck
posted by ZackTM at 11:51 AM on March 3, 2006

Seconding, thirding, and fourthing what Sallysings said. Relationships can be over long before it's formally called off.

That said, the care with which you approach this situation should be proportional to how serious you'd like this to get. Waiting to more accurately get the temperature of the situation won't hurt anything.

It's likely she's not on the "rebound" at all—but she might be. Be careful.
posted by S.C. at 12:21 PM on March 3, 2006

How old are the two of you? Yes it matters. In that where are you in your life? Looking for a long term partner? Already had longterm partners that didn't work out?

Some times rebounds - after you you know more about what you want and are in a place to pursue something - are great.

Most of the time, when you're inexperienced and build it up in your head, they are not.

If you know that. And if you have mutual chemistry. And if you know it's likely to be a fling - remove all that over-romantizied baggage and expectation from the courtship it can be great. Real great.

And the most important part about dating, mating and courting is that it be FUN and not full of dramatic bullshit. And dramatic bullshit comes from lop-sided expectations.

MAYBE it can evolve. But don't expect it to.

So. Yeah. I'd hit it to.
posted by tkchrist at 12:45 PM on March 3, 2006

Hard to give a cogent answer without a picture of the girl, but remember 2 things> 1] women always know what they want 2] they always tell you what they want (thought you might not notice).
posted by signal at 12:47 PM on March 3, 2006

This sounds a LOT like how my now-husband and I started dating, except I was STILL LIVING with my ex.
If she did the breaking-up with the guy, and it was clearly something that she was considering before you came along, it's not really a rebound. She's probably already mourned the loss of the relationship to some degree because she's done so much thinking about it. (I fifth Sallysings.)

However, there seems to be a wrinkle where she and this guy already have a history of going on-again-off-again.

I suggest you pursue it; as with robocop is bleeding and myself, this might be the big one. But be cautious because of the on/off thing with the other guy.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 12:51 PM on March 3, 2006

hmm i am not sure if this will help but i sort of went through the same thing. i had been dating a guy for two years and things were not well and should have ended a while back but were sort of dragging on. i met another guy and became good firends, it wasn't sexual at all but tons of fun. i then finally got the courage to break up with my boyfriend and a few weeks later started dating my 'friend.' that was twelve years ago and now we're married with a little boy. just wanted to let you know that not every relationship that comes soon after a long one is a rebound.
posted by karen at 12:53 PM on March 3, 2006

Go for it - my wife and I both met as a sort-of rebound relationship, and it's worked out pretty damn well. There's no way to know how it will turn out until you try it, and you sound like you're pretty into her - which is a great start.
posted by sluggo at 1:05 PM on March 3, 2006

I was the rebound girl once. I was just looking for a reason to be done with my previous relationship, but because I was silly and immature, I didn't just break it off. I waited until I decided that I liked the guy I'm with now better. I should have put some time between relationships, in retrospect. I am very happy with my decision, but I acted foolishly in the beginning. I say, give her a couple months before you get into anything serious.
posted by chiababe at 1:15 PM on March 3, 2006

I started dating my GF shortly after she had broken up with someone. In fact, her ex asked if they could get back together the same day I asked her out. We've now been dating for 4 1/2 years.

Might work out for you, might not. There are no hard and fast rules. Go with what seems like a good idea at the time.
posted by kyrademon at 2:32 PM on March 3, 2006

my husband is my rebound guy. we started dating soon after i was in a 5 year relationship. 8+ years and we are still together. he still teases me about how he is just a rebound. Ha!
I say go for it.
posted by nimsey lou at 3:00 PM on March 3, 2006

I know it's a bit late, but when I met my now-wife-of-seven-years, she was considering breaking up with a guy. I told her I'd heard that before, and that I didn't believe her -- and to call me the next week if she went through with it. She did, we got together, and never looked back. "Rebound" never even entered into it.
posted by davejay at 4:10 PM on March 3, 2006

I'm currently seeing a girl who has not been without a boyfriend since she was 12. She broke up with her previous boyfriend when we started seeing each other, telling me that she did it both because their relationship wasn't going in the direction she wanted and because of me.

We've both been very open about the situation. I've told her on numerous occasions that I think some time alone is way better for her than I could ever be. She's taken that in stride, and I can't bring myself to turn her away for that reason alone, though I think it's true.

She's still close with her ex, and it's caused some jealousy on my part. They still spend some time together, and I've had to deal with my feelings and fears regarding that. She's had to resolve some things with even more previous guys, and she made me a part of some of that, which was awkward, so I've had to take all that into account, too.

Throughout, I've told her how she's making me feel, what my expectations are, and that I do want to keep seeing her (despite my reservations).

Anyway, I'm in a similar situation. I've never worried about being a rebound guy. I've always been flattered that she would think I'm enough to change her life for, reason enough to move on from what she doesn't really want. I've always been perfectly frank about how I see myself in our relationship. It's led to tears on occasion (we're young yet, and learning) but I think we understand and respect each other better for having shared our thoughts and emotions.

If you like this girl, go at her square, let her know what you like about her, and how you feel about her and you together. You say you're aware of what she's going through, but do you have it from the horse's mouth or is it conjecture on your part? Also, is she aware of what you're going through? Make sure you're clear with her about how you feel if you have any concerns. Communicate your feelings and intentions clearly, and request a response. In other words, go for it! Best of luck.
posted by carsonb at 4:11 PM on March 3, 2006

Am I a complete idiot?

In relationships, everyone is a complete idiot. Learn to live with that.

There are no rules -- this could be the woman you spend the rest of your life with; or she could be a rabbit-in-the-stew mistake.

You won't know until you know. In the mean time, enjoy what you have and listen to your feelings and you mind.
posted by teece at 4:28 PM on March 3, 2006

I've known lots of people who waited because they thought it was trashy to start in so quickly, then saw the person they had been waiting for get in another long term relationship with someone else. How long will you regret it if it doesn't workout vs. how long will you kick yourself when you see her with someone else forever (possibly)
Oh, and:
"Do her or you're gay" control + f and search for it, it's a quote from "House".
posted by 445supermag at 6:04 PM on March 3, 2006

I'm putting "Rebound Boy" t-shirts on CafePress right now. Seriously, I would take this slowly, and be on the watch for any sort of contact/reconnection/thoughts of the ex. If they begin to show within the first several weeks, you are doomed. If things do progress between you, I would plan to have a serious discussion with her about the ex situation before too long, so you can get a sense of exactly where she is emotionally about it, instead of where you (or some bozos on the internet) think she might be.

That said, teece (and others) are right -- there are no rules, there are no definitive answers in this situation. Enjoy your relationship with this girl in the present, and the future, as it is wont to do, will resolve itself.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:44 AM on March 4, 2006

In relationships, everyone is a complete idiot.

This is the best advice I've seen on AskMe in some time. Take it, and don't worry so much.

And pay no attention to The Jesse Helms. He thinks he's hardcore.
posted by languagehat at 12:44 PM on March 4, 2006

If you get the shirt -- and it might be appropriate -- consider whether you ought to wear it around her.
posted by amtho at 8:04 AM on October 24, 2006