How to tell my wife I love her please don't leave me etc.
February 27, 2006 8:52 AM Subscribe
Wife left me. What do I do?
I've been debating bringing this up for a long time. I've wanted to ask you guys what you think... I need objective advice.
Full disclosure: I love this woman. I want to be married to her for the rest. of. my. life. I believe divorce is the easy road, and this is why it appeals to so many of us in the U.S. I'm ready to take the hard road.
We had dated for nearly 5 years, happily, before we were married last June. Everything started to go to shit when she became hooked on an mmorpg. I should have acted, but just as I became indignant enough to say, "Hey! What does UltraBLCKDrag0nzLord have that I don't?" my dad died, my friend shot himself, I totaled my car...my world exploded.
Suddenly, our young, fresh marriage was plunged into a bad place.
I lost my head at work... in a sales job this created financial problems for us. She dove deeper into her alternate reality, subsequently striking up a 'rather close' relationship with a European chef. or so he claims. Everything kept getting worser. Until finally she said, "I can't handle this. I can't help you with your problems, I feel guilty about my relationship with Mr. Belgium rock-climber chef motorcycle racer, I only hurt you, I need to be on my own for a while."
I fell apart even more, quit my sales job, took a position in non-profit for less pay - we are seeing a counselor but she's on her own in a smaller apartment and I live with my mom.
Here's the question: Psychologist says that my intense need for emotional support (from my recent string of awful circumstances) is alien to her (I'm usually quite cavalier about life) and it's pushing her away. So I shouldn't express need to her.
But I neeeeeeed to move back in with her.
I lurve her. So bad.
I'm afraid that living separately, she will start to forget about me...then the day will come when she'll call me and say, "Balrog, living apart has shown me that I don't really need you. Please bring back my jogging shorts that you've been using for undies and don't call me anymore."
I don't feel depressed...a lot of bad stuff has happened, but I'm ready to be happy, get over it, etc. I think I'm strong enough.
Admittedly, she'll need to stop seeing Mr. Flanders, but we can work on that together...
What can I do to maintain contact and win her back?
I've been debating bringing this up for a long time. I've wanted to ask you guys what you think... I need objective advice.
Full disclosure: I love this woman. I want to be married to her for the rest. of. my. life. I believe divorce is the easy road, and this is why it appeals to so many of us in the U.S. I'm ready to take the hard road.
We had dated for nearly 5 years, happily, before we were married last June. Everything started to go to shit when she became hooked on an mmorpg. I should have acted, but just as I became indignant enough to say, "Hey! What does UltraBLCKDrag0nzLord have that I don't?" my dad died, my friend shot himself, I totaled my car...my world exploded.
Suddenly, our young, fresh marriage was plunged into a bad place.
I lost my head at work... in a sales job this created financial problems for us. She dove deeper into her alternate reality, subsequently striking up a 'rather close' relationship with a European chef. or so he claims. Everything kept getting worser. Until finally she said, "I can't handle this. I can't help you with your problems, I feel guilty about my relationship with Mr. Belgium rock-climber chef motorcycle racer, I only hurt you, I need to be on my own for a while."
I fell apart even more, quit my sales job, took a position in non-profit for less pay - we are seeing a counselor but she's on her own in a smaller apartment and I live with my mom.
Here's the question: Psychologist says that my intense need for emotional support (from my recent string of awful circumstances) is alien to her (I'm usually quite cavalier about life) and it's pushing her away. So I shouldn't express need to her.
But I neeeeeeed to move back in with her.
I lurve her. So bad.
I'm afraid that living separately, she will start to forget about me...then the day will come when she'll call me and say, "Balrog, living apart has shown me that I don't really need you. Please bring back my jogging shorts that you've been using for undies and don't call me anymore."
I don't feel depressed...a lot of bad stuff has happened, but I'm ready to be happy, get over it, etc. I think I'm strong enough.
Admittedly, she'll need to stop seeing Mr. Flanders, but we can work on that together...
What can I do to maintain contact and win her back?
Here's the question: Psychologist says that my intense need for emotional support (from my recent string of awful circumstances) is alien to her (I'm usually quite cavalier about life) and it's pushing her away. So I shouldn't express need to her.
It's not like you're depressed, you are feeling bad because your life IS bad, there's nothing wrong with that, and a loving wife should support you. Not to an excessive amount like this woman but damn.
Obviously we're only hearing your side of the story, but from what I'm hearing she sounds like a bitch.
When you're in love with someone, you build them up in your mind. The more time you spend, the more you do with her the more she gets build up. It works great when two people fall in love, because it's like a feedback thing, you both love each other, so you do more for them, and because you do more for them you love them even more. That's a big part of how love works.
But it's kind of a problem if it only happens one way. From an outside perspective she just seems, so, lame.
By the way, have you ever considered a career in Country Music? All you need now is to have your dog get run over and you'll have a hit!
Anyway, good luck.
posted by delmoi at 9:13 AM on February 27, 2006
It's not like you're depressed, you are feeling bad because your life IS bad, there's nothing wrong with that, and a loving wife should support you. Not to an excessive amount like this woman but damn.
Obviously we're only hearing your side of the story, but from what I'm hearing she sounds like a bitch.
When you're in love with someone, you build them up in your mind. The more time you spend, the more you do with her the more she gets build up. It works great when two people fall in love, because it's like a feedback thing, you both love each other, so you do more for them, and because you do more for them you love them even more. That's a big part of how love works.
But it's kind of a problem if it only happens one way. From an outside perspective she just seems, so, lame.
By the way, have you ever considered a career in Country Music? All you need now is to have your dog get run over and you'll have a hit!
Anyway, good luck.
posted by delmoi at 9:13 AM on February 27, 2006
She sounds awful. You've had some hellish experiences and your wife should be the first person you can turn to for support. I can't believe her reactions, at least as you've related them here. It sounds like you would be better off getting away from such a wretchedly uncaring and isolated individual and let her fall into that online game hole she's put herself into.
I know that's impossibly hard to do, but really, wow. I'm sorry.
posted by xmutex at 9:17 AM on February 27, 2006
I know that's impossibly hard to do, but really, wow. I'm sorry.
posted by xmutex at 9:17 AM on February 27, 2006
Wow, I'm so sorry. Thank god your sense of humor is intact.
I agree with Astro that you can only work toward repairing your marriage if both parties are willing to do so. I think the concept of "winning [someone] back" is somewhat mythical.
If it seems that she's really willing to work toward reconcilliation, continue working with her. Do your best, do it sincerely. If you're successful, you'll move back in together when the time is right. But there's no magic bullet (as well you know) -- you can't force her to move back in if she's not ready.
If she really seems intent on leaving, and she's not breaking it off with Monsieur Chef, then it's time to let her go. If your partner is with someone else (if you're not in some sort of open relationship) that's usually a pretty good (bad) sign that you shouldn't be together.
posted by lampoil at 9:19 AM on February 27, 2006
I agree with Astro that you can only work toward repairing your marriage if both parties are willing to do so. I think the concept of "winning [someone] back" is somewhat mythical.
If it seems that she's really willing to work toward reconcilliation, continue working with her. Do your best, do it sincerely. If you're successful, you'll move back in together when the time is right. But there's no magic bullet (as well you know) -- you can't force her to move back in if she's not ready.
If she really seems intent on leaving, and she's not breaking it off with Monsieur Chef, then it's time to let her go. If your partner is with someone else (if you're not in some sort of open relationship) that's usually a pretty good (bad) sign that you shouldn't be together.
posted by lampoil at 9:19 AM on February 27, 2006
Psychologist says that my intense need for emotional support (from my recent string of awful circumstances) is alien to her (I'm usually quite cavalier about life) and it's pushing her away. So I shouldn't express need to her.
Bullshit. You've been through a lot of rough stuff. If you can't fall apart in front of your wife, who do you have? Expressing that need is totally natural. You signed up for "in sickness and health," not "as long as everything is perfect and my friend doesn't shoot himself just as my dad dies and I total my car and generally freak out." It sounds like you had a natural reaction to a string of horrible events, one that you should not regret. This is how people heal.
I don't have any advice on how to get her to come back. She'll have to make that decision on her own. The only thing that's up to you is how to deal with your own stuff, and whether or not you want to rebuild a relationship where you're not allowed to express reasonable needs. You might even realise that living apart has shown you that you don't really need her. Things are going to hurt for a while no matter what she chooses. And you'll be okay either way.
posted by heatherann at 9:19 AM on February 27, 2006
Bullshit. You've been through a lot of rough stuff. If you can't fall apart in front of your wife, who do you have? Expressing that need is totally natural. You signed up for "in sickness and health," not "as long as everything is perfect and my friend doesn't shoot himself just as my dad dies and I total my car and generally freak out." It sounds like you had a natural reaction to a string of horrible events, one that you should not regret. This is how people heal.
I don't have any advice on how to get her to come back. She'll have to make that decision on her own. The only thing that's up to you is how to deal with your own stuff, and whether or not you want to rebuild a relationship where you're not allowed to express reasonable needs. You might even realise that living apart has shown you that you don't really need her. Things are going to hurt for a while no matter what she chooses. And you'll be okay either way.
posted by heatherann at 9:19 AM on February 27, 2006
Well, since I know you didn't post this to hear people saying you should forget about her, here's my advice:
Get your shit together, then tell her "Honey, I've really gotten my shit together. Please give me another chance."
You've clearly stated that your life kind of fell apart, and she has clearly stated that's the reason she left. Fix the problems that drove her away. You're telling us here that you've made some positive changes. If you're completely honest with yourself, do you think that you're back to being the person she fell in love with? From what your psychologist says it sounds like you've changed a lot, and she doesn't like the new you.
posted by agropyron at 9:20 AM on February 27, 2006
Get your shit together, then tell her "Honey, I've really gotten my shit together. Please give me another chance."
You've clearly stated that your life kind of fell apart, and she has clearly stated that's the reason she left. Fix the problems that drove her away. You're telling us here that you've made some positive changes. If you're completely honest with yourself, do you think that you're back to being the person she fell in love with? From what your psychologist says it sounds like you've changed a lot, and she doesn't like the new you.
posted by agropyron at 9:20 AM on February 27, 2006
This isn't advice, but I'd just like to note that she doesn't sound awful.
It sounds like your lives went nutty, and some horrid shit happened that neither of you knew how to deal with.
I haven't the foggiest clue if it's recoverable, or how to do it. If I was in your shoes, I'd try to convince myself that it was over.
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:21 AM on February 27, 2006
It sounds like your lives went nutty, and some horrid shit happened that neither of you knew how to deal with.
I haven't the foggiest clue if it's recoverable, or how to do it. If I was in your shoes, I'd try to convince myself that it was over.
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:21 AM on February 27, 2006
You don't want this person back. This is an uncaring, mean person. Make that your mantra. You don't want her.
posted by xmutex at 9:22 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by xmutex at 9:22 AM on February 27, 2006
Well, if you really want to try this, kick back a bit and start the relationship over again. Ask her out on a date to someplace that's neutral ground for both of you. Spend a few hours talking about anything other than your relationship problems. Go to an early movie and lunch or something. Try to have fun. Then at the end of the evening, go home. Next week, try it again. If you find that just hanging out is no fun, then you know where the relationship is headed. This gives her a chance to see if you have your shit together, and you a chance to see whether getting back together is a good idea.
And here is an important thing, don't have sex, Because it's quite easy to mix up sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:24 AM on February 27, 2006
And here is an important thing, don't have sex, Because it's quite easy to mix up sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:24 AM on February 27, 2006
i think the question you need to ask yourself is what will happen the next time life deals you a lousy hand? ... you've got a pretty clear indication as to what her actions are going to be ... and there's no way that you're going to get through the rest of your life without some tough times coming up
is that what you want? ... a partner who disengages herself from you whenever things get rough?
she only wants you for better, not for worse
work on yourself and your problems and determine whether this is what you really want from a marriage ... you're not going to change her ... all you can do is decide whether you're going to accept her indifference or look for what you want somewhere else
if it's ok with you, fine ... if it's not ... then you should leave
posted by pyramid termite at 9:27 AM on February 27, 2006
is that what you want? ... a partner who disengages herself from you whenever things get rough?
she only wants you for better, not for worse
work on yourself and your problems and determine whether this is what you really want from a marriage ... you're not going to change her ... all you can do is decide whether you're going to accept her indifference or look for what you want somewhere else
if it's ok with you, fine ... if it's not ... then you should leave
posted by pyramid termite at 9:27 AM on February 27, 2006
Is UltraBLCKDrag0nzLord the same person as Mr. Belgium rock-climber chef motorcycle racer?
If no, then she's been looking for an escape for a long time and you really should move on because being friends with her means that you are only at the tip of the iceberg in repulsing her with how needy you are.
If yes, then I would imagine he is someone who went rock climbing a few times when he was younger and once had a motorcycle and can cook a few meals with relative pinache, best of all, he's very good at describing how great he is using emoticons; She is in love with a fantasy and you will never be a fantasy because you are a real person with real, legitimate needs. When she realizes that she is human after all, then maybe she'll want to be friends, or more, and then you get to decide if you love yourself enough to not accept her back.
posted by dobie at 9:32 AM on February 27, 2006
If no, then she's been looking for an escape for a long time and you really should move on because being friends with her means that you are only at the tip of the iceberg in repulsing her with how needy you are.
If yes, then I would imagine he is someone who went rock climbing a few times when he was younger and once had a motorcycle and can cook a few meals with relative pinache, best of all, he's very good at describing how great he is using emoticons; She is in love with a fantasy and you will never be a fantasy because you are a real person with real, legitimate needs. When she realizes that she is human after all, then maybe she'll want to be friends, or more, and then you get to decide if you love yourself enough to not accept her back.
posted by dobie at 9:32 AM on February 27, 2006
Baby_Balrog, I am truly sorry to hear about your string of losses. I can't imagine going through all that only to have my main support person, my significant other, turn away from me in the end. A relationship is based on communication, and if communicating your needs for support to her resulted in her increasing her avoidance behaviors, then it's probably a sign that the relationship wasn't meant to be.
It worries me that your psychologist is actually telling you *not* to communicate your needs to her, as it implies that the downfall of the relationship lies on your head (you "pushed her away"). I don't think that's the case at all, and please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you expressed reasonable needs, as heatherann mentions above, that you expected from someone you love. Imagine that the two of you did get back together, and you went through the rest of your marriage keeping your needs to yourself. Eventually you'd probably end up resentful that you buried yourself to make it easier on your partner. All you can do now if be honest with yourself and others, allow yourself to grieve, and perhaps begin, slowly, to heal.
On preview, what pyramid termite said.
posted by sarahnade at 9:35 AM on February 27, 2006
It worries me that your psychologist is actually telling you *not* to communicate your needs to her, as it implies that the downfall of the relationship lies on your head (you "pushed her away"). I don't think that's the case at all, and please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you expressed reasonable needs, as heatherann mentions above, that you expected from someone you love. Imagine that the two of you did get back together, and you went through the rest of your marriage keeping your needs to yourself. Eventually you'd probably end up resentful that you buried yourself to make it easier on your partner. All you can do now if be honest with yourself and others, allow yourself to grieve, and perhaps begin, slowly, to heal.
On preview, what pyramid termite said.
posted by sarahnade at 9:35 AM on February 27, 2006
Hm. I think you definitely need to work on yourself- and it sounds like you are - but she should look at why she can't support her husband when he has a year that is bad above and beyond what most people will experience. Quite honestly, if you were my husband and had that kinda year? Well, the phrase 'wouldn't leave your side for more than a pee' comes to mind. It's really hard when someone you care about goes a little crazy, but she sounds like she really has an issue with you being less than happy and hunky-dory.
There might be something there worth salvaging; might not. But you're both gonna have to work on it, not just you. The Mrs has some pretty obvious issues herself.
posted by kalimac at 9:37 AM on February 27, 2006
There might be something there worth salvaging; might not. But you're both gonna have to work on it, not just you. The Mrs has some pretty obvious issues herself.
posted by kalimac at 9:37 AM on February 27, 2006
And on the other hand....
Ditching a 5+ year relationship for an internet flirtation doesn't sound like the relationship is that strong to begin with. Reading between the lines, it could be she was looking for an exit strategy, in which case you might be better off growing different ways. It could be that your expressions of need were scary and abusive, in which case you might be better off growing different ways.
Either way, nothing says, "I'm not that into you" than an online international affair.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:39 AM on February 27, 2006
Ditching a 5+ year relationship for an internet flirtation doesn't sound like the relationship is that strong to begin with. Reading between the lines, it could be she was looking for an exit strategy, in which case you might be better off growing different ways. It could be that your expressions of need were scary and abusive, in which case you might be better off growing different ways.
Either way, nothing says, "I'm not that into you" than an online international affair.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:39 AM on February 27, 2006
The problems probably started a lot earlier than you think. Most likely, she didn't grow dissatisfied *after* starting to spend so much time on line - more likely, she was dissatisfied and looked elsewhere for fulfillment, in this case, on line. I think the real problem is that she doesn't have the same commitment to your marriage that you do. That's what let her escape to an on line fantasy world when she was dissatisfied rather than come to you and work it out. It's also what led her to say "I can't help you with your problems" and bail when you needed her the most. She sounds immature, yes, but not awful. If it's going to work, she has to learn what real commitment means and either show that she has it, and work on your marriage, or show that she doesn't want it, and leave. This is not necessarily an unfixable problem, but sadly, I think it's going to be up to you to get her to do it. I really hope you get the result you want. Good luck.
posted by boomchicka at 9:40 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by boomchicka at 9:40 AM on February 27, 2006
Start dating (her) again. From scratch, just like five years ago.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:49 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by five fresh fish at 9:49 AM on February 27, 2006
I get the impression you're not ready yet to come to the conclusion that it's not working and she's not worth it.
If that's the case KirkJobSluder's advice sounds good to me: either she finds out that she still wants to be with you or you find out that it's not going to work and you'll be able to let go.
posted by jouke at 9:50 AM on February 27, 2006
If that's the case KirkJobSluder's advice sounds good to me: either she finds out that she still wants to be with you or you find out that it's not going to work and you'll be able to let go.
posted by jouke at 9:50 AM on February 27, 2006
You deserve better. Also, she doesn't deserve you.
posted by evariste at 9:57 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by evariste at 9:57 AM on February 27, 2006
Response by poster: I always sort of laugh when I cry and I'm laughing/crying right now reading this. I didn't really expect that much of a response so quickly but thank you. You've given me many refreshing viewpoints to consider.
How much would the situation change if I suspected that she might be dealing with genuine depression herself? Maybe she's pushing me away because she has so much hurt to deal with herself, for whatever reason, that she can't take on my problems?
It hurts so much. It's unreal. It is the most incredible experience. Sort of like freefall. My mind is reeling from the whole..."why can't things just go right?" aspect of everything.
I'm going to start working on recreating my future plans without her in it... working on some sort of contingency plan, I guess... in case this whole, "We'll sort it all out" thing doesn't happen. she seemed so happy when we were getting married.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:58 AM on February 27, 2006
How much would the situation change if I suspected that she might be dealing with genuine depression herself? Maybe she's pushing me away because she has so much hurt to deal with herself, for whatever reason, that she can't take on my problems?
It hurts so much. It's unreal. It is the most incredible experience. Sort of like freefall. My mind is reeling from the whole..."why can't things just go right?" aspect of everything.
I'm going to start working on recreating my future plans without her in it... working on some sort of contingency plan, I guess... in case this whole, "We'll sort it all out" thing doesn't happen. she seemed so happy when we were getting married.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:58 AM on February 27, 2006
Whatever her reason for being an asshole, she. left. you. Thusly her depression belongs in the category of "Things That Are Not Baby_Balrog's Problem."
posted by Sara Anne at 10:06 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by Sara Anne at 10:06 AM on February 27, 2006
Jesus, B_B. I'm sorry to hear this-- you're a cool guy. (It also took a lot of guts to post this without going anonymous, and I commend you for that.) It may be the case that your wife is uncaring and cruel, but I hope that's not true, because it's also conceivable that she's just freaking out because she doesn't know how to deal with all the shit that life has thrown you recently, and she's retreating into her MMORPG and Belgian Waffle. I confess to having had similar self-preservation instincts in the past when things have gone badly for people I care about. The painful reality is that it's probably best to just let her go. She needs her own time and space. If she comes back, then that's wonderful. If not, well, it wasn't meant to be. Never forget that your life isn't over. You've got a roof over your head and food in your stomach, and that's a pretty good starting place from which to rebuild.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:10 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:10 AM on February 27, 2006
Prozac. That is step one. Trust me. No really. Do it.
posted by DirtyCreature at 10:11 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by DirtyCreature at 10:11 AM on February 27, 2006
sorry to hear about your dad and friend...terrible losses. Consider yourself lucky that this woman revealed her true nature after only 1 year of marriage. Treating you this way in your time of need is more unforgiveable than cheating. I'd sooner forgive my wife a night of sex down at the local firehouse than this emotional betrayal. Get your head and your life together and move on before you make any babies with this woman. Odds are quite good that she'll be the one with regrets a few years down the road.
posted by BillBishop at 10:20 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by BillBishop at 10:20 AM on February 27, 2006
You are a good guy, Balrog, I've always liked you.
You were who you are before her, and you will be who you are after her, either from divorce or death. In the broadest sense, your time together was bound to end anyway. (most people do not take comfort in the very long view, but it always helps me...)
Try as hard to fulfill your commitment to her as your conscience and self-respect demand, and NO further. If she wants to leave, she will, and if she is just screwing around, well... we've all treated people we loved poorly, sometimes very poorly. It is not your fault if she mistreats you, or if she breaks it off completely.
I do think she sounds depressed.
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:22 AM on February 27, 2006
You were who you are before her, and you will be who you are after her, either from divorce or death. In the broadest sense, your time together was bound to end anyway. (most people do not take comfort in the very long view, but it always helps me...)
Try as hard to fulfill your commitment to her as your conscience and self-respect demand, and NO further. If she wants to leave, she will, and if she is just screwing around, well... we've all treated people we loved poorly, sometimes very poorly. It is not your fault if she mistreats you, or if she breaks it off completely.
I do think she sounds depressed.
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:22 AM on February 27, 2006
Word up Sara Anne. And don't rationalize that she 'might' have depression; that sounds like councellor bullshit. If you don't know for certain after being with her for 5+ years, you can assume that any of her nebulous depression is a symptom of wasting her life, pretending she's a fucking hobbit online.
posted by dobie at 10:23 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by dobie at 10:23 AM on February 27, 2006
Stop viewing this through the lens of the past. It's a total waste of time to think who did what, who failed who, and other such bunk. Life happens. Your only concern now should be about the future. I'd urge you to do everything you can to put the past behind you. Not just the terrible events that happened to you, but also her retreat into a game and her lack of faithfulness. Forgive, forget, and focus on the future.
Quite frankly, it sounds like you don't really have anything to offer her. She's found somebody else for emotional intimacy, she's living by herself, and it sounds like you have a ways to go before you'd be able to support her and build a life with her. The only thing you've got going for you is your love for her and the rest of your life. So, offer her this.
Come up with a plan. Figure out now, what your future together will be. Where will you live? What field will you work in? Will there be kids? Vacations? Hobbies? It doesn't matter if your plan is realistic or even if it's just total nonsense. But it does have to be sincere. When you tell her you want to spend the rest of her life, and X is what that really means, then you've got to mean it. And try to get beyond the generally unconvincing "I need you." Get specific. Why do you need her? To raise your kids? To cook you dinner? To cuddle with? For long walks during winter snowstorms? This is your major selling point, here, so take some time and do it right. If you're going to convince her to build a life with you, if you're going to really make her believe the future will be a million times better than the past, then the vision of your life together has to be convincing.
Hope may not be enough. To really convince her that you're back on track, make some concrete promises. Start by coming up with a date when you plan to move out of your parents house and get a place with her.
And again, let her know that all is forgiven. The past is the past and the future is the future.
When you do speak to her, you have to be absolutely clear about what you want but you also have to give her plenty of time and space to make her own choice. It has to be her choice. Do not attempt to guilt-trip her. Do not pressure her. Do not threaten her with your own failure. If you don't think you can do this in person, there's nothing wrong with writing her a letter. In fact I recommend writing a letter first anyways just to clarify your thoughts.
Be prepared for failure. To put it lightly, I wouldn't bet on you. All you have to offer her are hopes and dreams. This is something, but it's not enough for most women. You had your chance, things went to shit, and the marriage failed. It was nobody's fault, that's just the way these things go down sometimes. If things don't go your way it's not the end of the world. Consider yourself lucky: you've loved and lost and you're already a step ahead. There's not much else to do but live and learn.
posted by nixerman at 10:24 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
Quite frankly, it sounds like you don't really have anything to offer her. She's found somebody else for emotional intimacy, she's living by herself, and it sounds like you have a ways to go before you'd be able to support her and build a life with her. The only thing you've got going for you is your love for her and the rest of your life. So, offer her this.
Come up with a plan. Figure out now, what your future together will be. Where will you live? What field will you work in? Will there be kids? Vacations? Hobbies? It doesn't matter if your plan is realistic or even if it's just total nonsense. But it does have to be sincere. When you tell her you want to spend the rest of her life, and X is what that really means, then you've got to mean it. And try to get beyond the generally unconvincing "I need you." Get specific. Why do you need her? To raise your kids? To cook you dinner? To cuddle with? For long walks during winter snowstorms? This is your major selling point, here, so take some time and do it right. If you're going to convince her to build a life with you, if you're going to really make her believe the future will be a million times better than the past, then the vision of your life together has to be convincing.
Hope may not be enough. To really convince her that you're back on track, make some concrete promises. Start by coming up with a date when you plan to move out of your parents house and get a place with her.
And again, let her know that all is forgiven. The past is the past and the future is the future.
When you do speak to her, you have to be absolutely clear about what you want but you also have to give her plenty of time and space to make her own choice. It has to be her choice. Do not attempt to guilt-trip her. Do not pressure her. Do not threaten her with your own failure. If you don't think you can do this in person, there's nothing wrong with writing her a letter. In fact I recommend writing a letter first anyways just to clarify your thoughts.
Be prepared for failure. To put it lightly, I wouldn't bet on you. All you have to offer her are hopes and dreams. This is something, but it's not enough for most women. You had your chance, things went to shit, and the marriage failed. It was nobody's fault, that's just the way these things go down sometimes. If things don't go your way it's not the end of the world. Consider yourself lucky: you've loved and lost and you're already a step ahead. There's not much else to do but live and learn.
posted by nixerman at 10:24 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
Wow, B_B. I'm really sorry. It's hard to hear, but I think you need to give up any thoughts of "winning her back". That almost never works. Wait it out. See what happens. If it's meant to be, it will happen.
posted by JeffK at 10:25 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by JeffK at 10:25 AM on February 27, 2006
Others have better advice than I for the short term, even though I went through something similar, the details are different enough that I'm loathe to give advice on the what to do next. However, in the "contingency plan" vein - if she leaves, and explores other relationships, there is a high likelihood that other relationship will fail. You may want to think about what you want to do when that happens.
Background - When that happened in my situation I was able to create an environment where I was able to rebuild a stronger relationship.
Good luck ....
posted by forforf at 10:26 AM on February 27, 2006
Background - When that happened in my situation I was able to create an environment where I was able to rebuild a stronger relationship.
Good luck ....
posted by forforf at 10:26 AM on February 27, 2006
...she seemed so happy when we were getting married.
But not so much being married? It sounds like she (and possibly you) started to weird out just after the wedding.
Being married brings out a lot of weird shit for people. Women in particular tend to have their wedding planned out twenty years in advance, but may or may not have thought through what it means to actually be married. Family issues long forgotten surface unexpectedly and sometimes dramatically.
Basically, you're creating a new family, which means that all the family baggage from two families gets crammed into one small space. It can be overwhelming, and her retreat from your relationship the result.
You're undergoing similar stress, and the death of your father and suicide of a friend (my condolences on both) just adds to the pile. The stress-o-meter in your house is completely pegged.
Where to go?
Well one thing to consider is if you actually need to be married to her to live with her and enjoy her company. I know two long term (20 year+) couples who were married for short disastrous periods early on in their relationships, and who are just as firm in their long-term commitment to each other as they are that they will never ever marry each other again.
You may also want to look closely at your own idealization of marriage. Why did you, as a divorce judge so famously asked, purchase the cow when you were getting the milk for free? Do you have different expectations from a wife than a girlfriend? What are they?
Just as a side note, you wrote...
I believe divorce is the easy road.
First of all, let's say it's the less difficult road. There's nothing easy about divorce.
Second of all, as far as I know you don't get to sit closer to God when you die based on how much suffering you've gone through in life. If you can salvage this relationship -- and from what you've said I think it may be possible -- then good on you. If she really has moved on to her european chef, then denying or dragging out the divorce she wants is just going to be painful on both of you, and wont ennoble either of you a bit.
posted by tkolar at 10:29 AM on February 27, 2006
But not so much being married? It sounds like she (and possibly you) started to weird out just after the wedding.
Being married brings out a lot of weird shit for people. Women in particular tend to have their wedding planned out twenty years in advance, but may or may not have thought through what it means to actually be married. Family issues long forgotten surface unexpectedly and sometimes dramatically.
Basically, you're creating a new family, which means that all the family baggage from two families gets crammed into one small space. It can be overwhelming, and her retreat from your relationship the result.
You're undergoing similar stress, and the death of your father and suicide of a friend (my condolences on both) just adds to the pile. The stress-o-meter in your house is completely pegged.
Where to go?
Well one thing to consider is if you actually need to be married to her to live with her and enjoy her company. I know two long term (20 year+) couples who were married for short disastrous periods early on in their relationships, and who are just as firm in their long-term commitment to each other as they are that they will never ever marry each other again.
You may also want to look closely at your own idealization of marriage. Why did you, as a divorce judge so famously asked, purchase the cow when you were getting the milk for free? Do you have different expectations from a wife than a girlfriend? What are they?
Just as a side note, you wrote...
I believe divorce is the easy road.
First of all, let's say it's the less difficult road. There's nothing easy about divorce.
Second of all, as far as I know you don't get to sit closer to God when you die based on how much suffering you've gone through in life. If you can salvage this relationship -- and from what you've said I think it may be possible -- then good on you. If she really has moved on to her european chef, then denying or dragging out the divorce she wants is just going to be painful on both of you, and wont ennoble either of you a bit.
posted by tkolar at 10:29 AM on February 27, 2006
If there is a silver lining here, this is it: At least you don't have children together. And if there is a reason to cut ties with this woman, this is it: Imagine if you did. Children make huge emotional demands on a person, would this woman make a good parent? (Of course maybe kids are definitely ruled out of your future plans, in case never mind.)
Good luck, friend.
posted by LarryC at 10:34 AM on February 27, 2006
Good luck, friend.
posted by LarryC at 10:34 AM on February 27, 2006
There is no Belgian, rock-climbing, motorcycle-racing chef. If such a person were to exist, he would not play mmorpg. He would be too busy cooking, climbing, racing and romancing the local ladies.
Instead, he's probably some fat guy in his basement. And he's probably not even a Belgian fat guy.
Good luck.
posted by probablysteve at 10:37 AM on February 27, 2006
Instead, he's probably some fat guy in his basement. And he's probably not even a Belgian fat guy.
Good luck.
posted by probablysteve at 10:37 AM on February 27, 2006
Jesus, B_B. This is terrible. I don't know as I will be much help, but from the sound of it, trying to win her back (showing your need for her right now) will only push her further away. I think you should not expect her to be coming back into your life. I'm sorry.
posted by jenovus at 10:41 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by jenovus at 10:41 AM on February 27, 2006
I don't think, BTW, that living apart from you will in and of itself make her forget about you.
Consider what exactly the need to move back in with her is made of. What exactly do you miss? Can any thing be done so you get a bit of distance from the emotional intensity of the situation and clarify your own feelings?
posted by By The Grace of God at 10:41 AM on February 27, 2006
Consider what exactly the need to move back in with her is made of. What exactly do you miss? Can any thing be done so you get a bit of distance from the emotional intensity of the situation and clarify your own feelings?
posted by By The Grace of God at 10:41 AM on February 27, 2006
First, try not to confuse wanting-to-live-with-her with wanting-to-not-be-living-with-your-mom. If it's at all possible for you, start looking for a place of your own; not least of all because it's a fresh start.
Second, I think the dating your wife thing others have suggested is a good idea. Your wife's reaction to your suggestion that you two date might give you some insight into how she's feeling about the marriage.
Lastly, I'm curious why you wrote that you're afraid of her saying "... living apart has shown me that I don't really need you..." as opposed to that I don't really love you. It seems problematic if you are more interested in having your wife need you than love you, but I may just be reading too closely.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 10:52 AM on February 27, 2006
Second, I think the dating your wife thing others have suggested is a good idea. Your wife's reaction to your suggestion that you two date might give you some insight into how she's feeling about the marriage.
Lastly, I'm curious why you wrote that you're afraid of her saying "... living apart has shown me that I don't really need you..." as opposed to that I don't really love you. It seems problematic if you are more interested in having your wife need you than love you, but I may just be reading too closely.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 10:52 AM on February 27, 2006
Give her space. Believe me- if you want her back that is the smartest thing to do.
I hit a rocky marital patch last year and was separated from my husband for over 6 months. The more he begged and pleaded for me to come back the less I felt inclined to do so. Just sayin'. Once he accepted that the separation was what it was-and essential for us to work out the problem areas-things got better.
I hope it all works out for you...she seems pretty immature-maybe during all this she will grow up some. But make plans for if she doesn't. Either way, ultimately, it's All Good. Either good riddance to an unsupportive spouse, or y'all get to repair the foundation.
If I believed in luck I'd say good luck-but I don't, so instead-God be with you.
posted by konolia at 10:55 AM on February 27, 2006
I hit a rocky marital patch last year and was separated from my husband for over 6 months. The more he begged and pleaded for me to come back the less I felt inclined to do so. Just sayin'. Once he accepted that the separation was what it was-and essential for us to work out the problem areas-things got better.
I hope it all works out for you...she seems pretty immature-maybe during all this she will grow up some. But make plans for if she doesn't. Either way, ultimately, it's All Good. Either good riddance to an unsupportive spouse, or y'all get to repair the foundation.
If I believed in luck I'd say good luck-but I don't, so instead-God be with you.
posted by konolia at 10:55 AM on February 27, 2006
B_B, it seems like all the sh*t hit the fan at once, and your one remaining ray of light, your wife, became faint and distant. So you naturally tried to hold on to this one remaining piece of goodness as tight as you could. But, this ray of light didn't want to be your ray of light in the darkness. That wasn't what she signed on for, so she pulled away and looked for brighter looking prospects, while you tried to hold on to this glimmer of hope, which ultimately has/will disappoint you.
The bottom line is that unfortunately your wife is not your salvation and she can probably never be what you need her to be right now. You can never expect her to change. As is more typical in life, it is up to you to find your own light out of this darkness. You have learned a very important lesson about her. Be thankful that you learned it now before you have a family together. While I am sure she loved you in her own way, there are people out there who will love you in the way you need and deserve to be loved.
posted by blueyellow at 11:01 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
The bottom line is that unfortunately your wife is not your salvation and she can probably never be what you need her to be right now. You can never expect her to change. As is more typical in life, it is up to you to find your own light out of this darkness. You have learned a very important lesson about her. Be thankful that you learned it now before you have a family together. While I am sure she loved you in her own way, there are people out there who will love you in the way you need and deserve to be loved.
posted by blueyellow at 11:01 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
Ok, I've been here (with a kid in the mix, consider yourself lucky), and I empathize with you whole heartedly. A little history: I was married '98 - son born later same year. We separated in 2002, and I went through exactly what you are going through back then. It was brutal on me, I didn't know what to do, all I could do was bemoan the fact that we weren't together anymore. I worked hard to get her back. Pulled out all the stops. She was already in a relationship when we separated (and secretly carried that relationship even when we were "back together").
Here is what you might have in store for you if you manage to win her back after all of this, or here is what happened to me:
I had terrible time trusting her. We did couples counseling, read books etc, but the fact is that I didn't trust her anymore, was afraid of her leaving again, and the whole thing was strained right from the top.
In fact, she readily admitted to me that she was with me for the security and because of our son, and in retrospect, I think this is the exact reasons why I was in the relationship as well. We lived like this for two more years - we got along well on the surface, but we were in actual fact little more than roommates.
Even though we made a few more attempts at "making it work", it fell apart again two years later. I even was stupid, and tried to get back with her last spring (which worked for about a week before I was like "what the hell am I doing!") Mostly because I was lonely.
When she finally left me again (she fell in love with a truck driver), I couldn't have been more relieved.
If someone had told me this when I was going through what you are going through, I would have done what I did anyway. Perhaps there is hope, but for me at least, getting back together was one of the few things in life that I regret.
Now, I feel great - alive, happy, fit, emotionally strong. It just takes time, patience, and the allowance that mistakes will be made!
posted by Quartermass at 11:07 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
Here is what you might have in store for you if you manage to win her back after all of this, or here is what happened to me:
I had terrible time trusting her. We did couples counseling, read books etc, but the fact is that I didn't trust her anymore, was afraid of her leaving again, and the whole thing was strained right from the top.
In fact, she readily admitted to me that she was with me for the security and because of our son, and in retrospect, I think this is the exact reasons why I was in the relationship as well. We lived like this for two more years - we got along well on the surface, but we were in actual fact little more than roommates.
Even though we made a few more attempts at "making it work", it fell apart again two years later. I even was stupid, and tried to get back with her last spring (which worked for about a week before I was like "what the hell am I doing!") Mostly because I was lonely.
When she finally left me again (she fell in love with a truck driver), I couldn't have been more relieved.
If someone had told me this when I was going through what you are going through, I would have done what I did anyway. Perhaps there is hope, but for me at least, getting back together was one of the few things in life that I regret.
Now, I feel great - alive, happy, fit, emotionally strong. It just takes time, patience, and the allowance that mistakes will be made!
posted by Quartermass at 11:07 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
Let her go, and meet new people. I'd tell you the same thing if I was a floating ball of leaves with the voice of Leonard Nimoy. It's wisdom.
posted by Protocols of the Elders of Awesome at 11:13 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by Protocols of the Elders of Awesome at 11:13 AM on February 27, 2006
Sometimes we go through such a rotten string of bad luck and our needs for emotional support are so profound that only the most exceptional person is able to meet those needs. Your wife is not one of those people.
It's awful that all that stuff has happened to you. It's great that you're keeping your sense of humor intact. It's great that you're still working, and that your mom is in a position to help you with housing now when you need it. It's great you're going to counseling, and trying to get support and advice elsewhere.
I've noticed that sometimes all our pain gets wrapped up in one person or incident, so that instead of feeling multiple sources of pain for each loss, we just feel one big glop of pain connected to one loss. When that happens, it truly feels like the worst thing in the world - kind of like someone amputating your right arm while you're still awake.
You've had many losses, your marriage and your friendship with this woman is one of them. I wouldn't be surprised if you also came to discover that you have lots of other feelings too, including betrayal and anger, both at her, yourself, your dad, your friend, and on.
I don't think there's an easy way out of all these profound psychological and spiritual crises. Forcing yourself to continue all the tasks of daily living is really worthwhile. I don't know what will be true for you, but seek out all the other sources of support you can, and hopeful for good things to come your way, even though it may feel like nothing good will ever happen to you again. Try to stay clear of drugs and alcohol -- as coping mechanisms they leave a lot to be desired. Exercise seems like it's a good thing mostly - keeping a journal seems to help many folks, if you're so inclined.
Good luck to you, and keep us all updated!
posted by jasper411 at 11:16 AM on February 27, 2006
It's awful that all that stuff has happened to you. It's great that you're keeping your sense of humor intact. It's great that you're still working, and that your mom is in a position to help you with housing now when you need it. It's great you're going to counseling, and trying to get support and advice elsewhere.
I've noticed that sometimes all our pain gets wrapped up in one person or incident, so that instead of feeling multiple sources of pain for each loss, we just feel one big glop of pain connected to one loss. When that happens, it truly feels like the worst thing in the world - kind of like someone amputating your right arm while you're still awake.
You've had many losses, your marriage and your friendship with this woman is one of them. I wouldn't be surprised if you also came to discover that you have lots of other feelings too, including betrayal and anger, both at her, yourself, your dad, your friend, and on.
I don't think there's an easy way out of all these profound psychological and spiritual crises. Forcing yourself to continue all the tasks of daily living is really worthwhile. I don't know what will be true for you, but seek out all the other sources of support you can, and hopeful for good things to come your way, even though it may feel like nothing good will ever happen to you again. Try to stay clear of drugs and alcohol -- as coping mechanisms they leave a lot to be desired. Exercise seems like it's a good thing mostly - keeping a journal seems to help many folks, if you're so inclined.
Good luck to you, and keep us all updated!
posted by jasper411 at 11:16 AM on February 27, 2006
Before you even call her:
1. Get your own damn apartment
2. Become self reliant
3. Get a decent job that will support your wife
Until then, she has every right to walk out.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:29 AM on February 27, 2006
1. Get your own damn apartment
2. Become self reliant
3. Get a decent job that will support your wife
Until then, she has every right to walk out.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:29 AM on February 27, 2006
Response by poster: Protocals - thanks for making me laugh - though the leafy nimoysphere has been markedly absent throughout this whole ordeal. Maybe I can't see his footprints because "this is when he's carrying me." lol.
thank you also for the emails. today I'm going to try to reconnect with some old friends so I don't feel like it's just me, my job, and my already-dealing-with-too-much mom struggling with this.
I think so much of my frustration is tied up in the 'not knowing' that comes with this situation. I don't know what would happen if we get back together. Maybe it will be like Quartermass' situation. Or maybe it will end up like konolia's. Or maybe getting back together just isn't in the cards. Or it shouldn't be.
My therapist is being really honest with me. Right off the bat he said three things that really hit home hard.
1. If she doesn't quit with the gaming, it won't work.
2. If she doesn't believe there is even a chance of it working out in the long term, it won't work.
3. The odds of a seperated couple getting back together are 1 in 3. The odds of it working out long-term are significantly worse. These are the statistics.
So I guess it won't be some sort of ground-breaking discovery if things don't work out in the end. It won't break me, or turn me against my dreams. But I can't help feeling like I absolutely have to do something to put this thing back together.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:32 AM on February 27, 2006
thank you also for the emails. today I'm going to try to reconnect with some old friends so I don't feel like it's just me, my job, and my already-dealing-with-too-much mom struggling with this.
I think so much of my frustration is tied up in the 'not knowing' that comes with this situation. I don't know what would happen if we get back together. Maybe it will be like Quartermass' situation. Or maybe it will end up like konolia's. Or maybe getting back together just isn't in the cards. Or it shouldn't be.
My therapist is being really honest with me. Right off the bat he said three things that really hit home hard.
1. If she doesn't quit with the gaming, it won't work.
2. If she doesn't believe there is even a chance of it working out in the long term, it won't work.
3. The odds of a seperated couple getting back together are 1 in 3. The odds of it working out long-term are significantly worse. These are the statistics.
So I guess it won't be some sort of ground-breaking discovery if things don't work out in the end. It won't break me, or turn me against my dreams. But I can't help feeling like I absolutely have to do something to put this thing back together.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:32 AM on February 27, 2006
Response by poster: thejessehelms -
I should clarify.
1. Our lease was up and she found a new apartment for 'us'. Then she told me that she didn't want me to move into it. This left me quite homeless. Short of moving all my crap into a buddy's place, that left me with two options:
a. Take out a lease on a new apartment - which is expensive - and...what if we get back together? Then we have an extra apartment.
b. move in with my mom. pray that I'm 'weathering a storm' and not 'returning to the nest'.
2. I'm trying to be self-reliant. (I assume you mean emotionally.) It kind of sucks but maybe you're right and I need to suck it up a little more.
3. I make plenty of money to support two people. That's not really an issue.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:36 AM on February 27, 2006
I should clarify.
1. Our lease was up and she found a new apartment for 'us'. Then she told me that she didn't want me to move into it. This left me quite homeless. Short of moving all my crap into a buddy's place, that left me with two options:
a. Take out a lease on a new apartment - which is expensive - and...what if we get back together? Then we have an extra apartment.
b. move in with my mom. pray that I'm 'weathering a storm' and not 'returning to the nest'.
2. I'm trying to be self-reliant. (I assume you mean emotionally.) It kind of sucks but maybe you're right and I need to suck it up a little more.
3. I make plenty of money to support two people. That's not really an issue.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:36 AM on February 27, 2006
Thinking about this a bit more, Konolia has some good advice. This woman isn't capable of being depended on. If you want to be with her have to be able to take care of your own problems and be self-sufficient. You need to be able to depend on yourself, and be a source of your own happiness.
It's like, some people want to feel loved, and some people want to feel needed. It seems like you're wife is in the first category, you know. She just wants to feel loved and doesn't want all this pressure.
A lot of people out there want someone to feel like they can depend on them, and I think you would be better off finding one of those people. There are people who your wife can be with too, people who are more self-assured and more independent. If you want to be with her, you have to become one of those people.
Of course, on the other hand, it sounds like you are one of those people most of the time You say (I'm usually quite cavalier about life). If you can get back to that way, then maybe you can get her back.
So here is my practical advice for you if you really do want to get back together with her. Realize first of all, that you're never going to be able to depend on her for emotional support. Get some support from your mom, I mean her husband just died (I assume) so she could probably use some cheering up and support as well. Get past all this drama, and get on with your life. Keep in contact with her, but don't bother her. Just relax, tell her that you need some time to think, etc. Whenever you do talk to her, be cheerful, happy, etc.
You don't need Prozac, try hitting the gym and doing cardio. Exercise is a great way to get past situational depression, which is what you have. Plus if you get into better shape she might get more attracted too you.
But generally, just try to work out your issues on your own, and approach her when you're back to the old carefree Baby_Balrog. I'm not saying that you should go back with her when you are back to the old you (and you will be eventually) just that you stand a much better chance of fixing things with her when things are fixed with you.
posted by delmoi at 11:36 AM on February 27, 2006
It's like, some people want to feel loved, and some people want to feel needed. It seems like you're wife is in the first category, you know. She just wants to feel loved and doesn't want all this pressure.
A lot of people out there want someone to feel like they can depend on them, and I think you would be better off finding one of those people. There are people who your wife can be with too, people who are more self-assured and more independent. If you want to be with her, you have to become one of those people.
Of course, on the other hand, it sounds like you are one of those people most of the time You say (I'm usually quite cavalier about life). If you can get back to that way, then maybe you can get her back.
So here is my practical advice for you if you really do want to get back together with her. Realize first of all, that you're never going to be able to depend on her for emotional support. Get some support from your mom, I mean her husband just died (I assume) so she could probably use some cheering up and support as well. Get past all this drama, and get on with your life. Keep in contact with her, but don't bother her. Just relax, tell her that you need some time to think, etc. Whenever you do talk to her, be cheerful, happy, etc.
You don't need Prozac, try hitting the gym and doing cardio. Exercise is a great way to get past situational depression, which is what you have. Plus if you get into better shape she might get more attracted too you.
But generally, just try to work out your issues on your own, and approach her when you're back to the old carefree Baby_Balrog. I'm not saying that you should go back with her when you are back to the old you (and you will be eventually) just that you stand a much better chance of fixing things with her when things are fixed with you.
posted by delmoi at 11:36 AM on February 27, 2006
Response by poster: though i made a lot more selling radio. i hope that's not why she ultimately left me. i mean... that would really suck.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:38 AM on February 27, 2006
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:38 AM on February 27, 2006
1. Our lease was up and she found a new apartment for 'us'. Then she told me that she didn't want me to move into it. This left me quite homeless. Short of moving all my crap into a buddy's place, that left me with two options:
Hmm, sounds to me like she's been planning this for a while, unfortunetly.
posted by delmoi at 11:41 AM on February 27, 2006
Hmm, sounds to me like she's been planning this for a while, unfortunetly.
posted by delmoi at 11:41 AM on February 27, 2006
Online addiction, be it in the form of EQ, a fandom forum, or obscure text-based adventures (Hi, I'm RiB and I'm a MUSHer. It's been over five years since my last +roll) really distorts your worldview and takes you away from your friends. You turn away from face to face interaction in favor of much easier text chats. Your new online friends tend to have a lot in common with you (well, the same hobby/obsession for starters), tend to always be around, and don't really ask much of you compaired to their fleshy counterparts. If you don't get out a whole lot in the first place, it's even easier to retreat more and more into an online world. You can end up in a cost/benefit analysis of your relationships that is predestined to come out in favor of the online world.
In short, someone in that situation is not a stout foundation on which to build a relationship.
It sounds like you're in need of stout foundations at the moment, B_B, and need to take steps to secure them. Getting a place of your own, acclimating to your new job, dealing with the grief surrounding your recent experience, and building a new, stabler you should all be priority number one at the moment. Take care of that. Don't put it off because of her, because if you two are going to be together further on down the road, she's going to need you to be there in ways she wasn't there for you.
And if you get to that stable point in your own life and found that you've built a stout foundation without her, then you can decide if you really want her back in your life. In the process of growing and centering, you may find that all the stuff you're feeling right now has fallen away and that you don't really need her.
In short, to quote the poet Yurtis Milck, "When the Hronthian Raiders attack your convoy / And all seems lost / Do not worry about the cargo ship to your right / Focus on your own engines / For the Hronthians are focusing on them too / Except with blasters."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:55 AM on February 27, 2006
In short, someone in that situation is not a stout foundation on which to build a relationship.
It sounds like you're in need of stout foundations at the moment, B_B, and need to take steps to secure them. Getting a place of your own, acclimating to your new job, dealing with the grief surrounding your recent experience, and building a new, stabler you should all be priority number one at the moment. Take care of that. Don't put it off because of her, because if you two are going to be together further on down the road, she's going to need you to be there in ways she wasn't there for you.
And if you get to that stable point in your own life and found that you've built a stout foundation without her, then you can decide if you really want her back in your life. In the process of growing and centering, you may find that all the stuff you're feeling right now has fallen away and that you don't really need her.
In short, to quote the poet Yurtis Milck, "When the Hronthian Raiders attack your convoy / And all seems lost / Do not worry about the cargo ship to your right / Focus on your own engines / For the Hronthians are focusing on them too / Except with blasters."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:55 AM on February 27, 2006
I echo those who say you should move on, Baby_Balrog. I also add myself to the list of those, like Quartermass who have had similar experiences.
I went through a bad patch five years ago. I was depressed, had some health issues, and hated my job. The man with whom I lived, and with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life found someone else because he couldn't be bothered to help me cope. At the time I said all the things you said in your initial post. I desperately wanted him back. I loved him beyond reason. He *did* come back after six months, but only because then *he* needed safety and security. But you can't put humpty dumpty back together again. We spent the next two years pretending that trust hadn't been broken. When he left me the second time I was secretly relieved.
But it did take me all that time to figure out that I was better off without him and it may take you some time as well. Unfortunately, there are few shortcuts in the world of heartbreak.
If you have the strength to do so, and you have support from friends and family then, by all means, try to move on.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 12:07 PM on February 27, 2006
I went through a bad patch five years ago. I was depressed, had some health issues, and hated my job. The man with whom I lived, and with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life found someone else because he couldn't be bothered to help me cope. At the time I said all the things you said in your initial post. I desperately wanted him back. I loved him beyond reason. He *did* come back after six months, but only because then *he* needed safety and security. But you can't put humpty dumpty back together again. We spent the next two years pretending that trust hadn't been broken. When he left me the second time I was secretly relieved.
But it did take me all that time to figure out that I was better off without him and it may take you some time as well. Unfortunately, there are few shortcuts in the world of heartbreak.
If you have the strength to do so, and you have support from friends and family then, by all means, try to move on.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 12:07 PM on February 27, 2006
B_B, get your own apartment. Leases last for twelve months. Worst case is that you have to pay double rent for a couple months or so. You hinted that you can afford that. So do it. Get out of your mom's basement. You will only tread water there. You won't get her back while you're in limbo and you won't move on either.
This sucks. Sucks horribly. Own the pain. Don't let it own you. You need to be on equal terms with your wife and you need to confront your marital problems as a 50% partner, not a submissive who doesn't have enough information. You probably won't get her back. And if you do, it will start as a friendship, not as a marriage. Beyond that it's too speculative.
Don't shy away from psychological, and particularly medical, help for your short term suffering. And please count me among the thousands who are here for you.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:12 PM on February 27, 2006
This sucks. Sucks horribly. Own the pain. Don't let it own you. You need to be on equal terms with your wife and you need to confront your marital problems as a 50% partner, not a submissive who doesn't have enough information. You probably won't get her back. And if you do, it will start as a friendship, not as a marriage. Beyond that it's too speculative.
Don't shy away from psychological, and particularly medical, help for your short term suffering. And please count me among the thousands who are here for you.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:12 PM on February 27, 2006
Also, I should add, see a lawyer. Don't let your emotions get in the way of protecting your finances against someone who definitely seems manipulative.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:18 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:18 PM on February 27, 2006
She is in love with a fantasy and you will never be a fantasy because you are a real person with real, legitimate needs.
I think this summed it up very well. It sounds like, for whatever reason, she is not one of the kinds of people who is good at giving emotional support to someone. You needed more than she could give, and *especially* if she was already looking elsewhere, your neediness freaked her out, and she certainly wasn't about to go growing and changing and learning how to be an emotionally supportive person in order to live up to (what I presume were) your marriage vows.
Someone said basically "she didn't sign up for this", to which I say, "bullshit". This is *exactly* what marriage is about. It's not about eating candy for every meal until you die. It's about saying "when things are rough, I will stick by you" and pledging your loyalty to someone. (Don't get me wrong I am not in favor of totaly martyrdom in a marriage where one person gives and gives and the other just takes, takes, takes).
Maybe she just doesn't know how to give emotional support? What was her upbringing like? As a kid, did she get to see a model of loving, caring support? I think some people just never really learn and freak out when the burden appears and they don't know how to process it. Sometimes people think they have a duty to solve the other person's problem (even though that's not what support is really about), and they flee because that's clearly too overwhelming to handle. Maybe she operates under a misconception like that, I don't know.
All of this is moot if she was looking for a way out before you started to have some really rough times.
It's hard to stop loving someone when they have let you down so profoundly, and abandoned you emotionally when you needed them the most. I find the most potent salves are simply time, and distance.
How old is she? That could also be a factor. I can totally see her getting some clarity about this situation about five years down the road, realizing what she lost, how she left you out in the cold, and regretting it mightily. I'm afraid that really doesn't do you any good right now.
While I am sure she loved you in her own way, there are people out there who will love you in the way you need and deserve to be loved.
I think this is key. As wonderful as she must be in your eyes, she just doesn't sound like the kind of person capable of giving emotional support. That kind of depth is truly needed for the long haul. It's not a matter of *whether* shit will happen, since it happens to all of us.
Hopefully someday you will find someone who loves you and who can give you the emotional support that every one of us needs sooner or later.
posted by beth at 12:26 PM on February 27, 2006
I think this summed it up very well. It sounds like, for whatever reason, she is not one of the kinds of people who is good at giving emotional support to someone. You needed more than she could give, and *especially* if she was already looking elsewhere, your neediness freaked her out, and she certainly wasn't about to go growing and changing and learning how to be an emotionally supportive person in order to live up to (what I presume were) your marriage vows.
Someone said basically "she didn't sign up for this", to which I say, "bullshit". This is *exactly* what marriage is about. It's not about eating candy for every meal until you die. It's about saying "when things are rough, I will stick by you" and pledging your loyalty to someone. (Don't get me wrong I am not in favor of totaly martyrdom in a marriage where one person gives and gives and the other just takes, takes, takes).
Maybe she just doesn't know how to give emotional support? What was her upbringing like? As a kid, did she get to see a model of loving, caring support? I think some people just never really learn and freak out when the burden appears and they don't know how to process it. Sometimes people think they have a duty to solve the other person's problem (even though that's not what support is really about), and they flee because that's clearly too overwhelming to handle. Maybe she operates under a misconception like that, I don't know.
All of this is moot if she was looking for a way out before you started to have some really rough times.
It's hard to stop loving someone when they have let you down so profoundly, and abandoned you emotionally when you needed them the most. I find the most potent salves are simply time, and distance.
How old is she? That could also be a factor. I can totally see her getting some clarity about this situation about five years down the road, realizing what she lost, how she left you out in the cold, and regretting it mightily. I'm afraid that really doesn't do you any good right now.
While I am sure she loved you in her own way, there are people out there who will love you in the way you need and deserve to be loved.
I think this is key. As wonderful as she must be in your eyes, she just doesn't sound like the kind of person capable of giving emotional support. That kind of depth is truly needed for the long haul. It's not a matter of *whether* shit will happen, since it happens to all of us.
Hopefully someday you will find someone who loves you and who can give you the emotional support that every one of us needs sooner or later.
posted by beth at 12:26 PM on February 27, 2006
Seconded on the lawyer. Having all of the non-emotional details absolutely quantified helps you to deal with the emotional ones and to separate out what are the purely emotional issues.
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:28 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:28 PM on February 27, 2006
Do you know anyone who can talk to your wife? Do you know someone who can ask her - seriously, and without recriminations - what's going on in her life that made her leave? How on earth can you figure out how to get her back if you don't really know why she left?
posted by clarkstonian at 12:43 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by clarkstonian at 12:43 PM on February 27, 2006
Sorry, sounds like a terrible situation. Not sure what you should do about it-- except to suggest a new therapist. your current one sounds a little dogmatic, and it's really not his job to diagnose her or put odds on your chances of making it long term-- it's his job to help put you in a space where you can weather the storm, whatever happens. Not sure what 'approach' he takes but looking into a cognitive-behavioral therapist might be a good idea. they're generally good at helping you figure out how you can modify your responses (NOT removed your emotions) to stuff so its not so self-damaging.
best wishes to you.
posted by miss tea at 12:45 PM on February 27, 2006
best wishes to you.
posted by miss tea at 12:45 PM on February 27, 2006
1. Our lease was up and she found a new apartment for 'us'. Then she told me that she didn't want me to move into it.
I've been in that same position. That's some cold, cold, unforgivable shit, IMHO. Basically, she's saying "I don't care that you could be out on the street next month."
Move on. The lack of emotional support is bad. Having a 'relationship' with some half-elf is another. But there's something wrong with her for doing that. Don't look back.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:03 PM on February 27, 2006
I've been in that same position. That's some cold, cold, unforgivable shit, IMHO. Basically, she's saying "I don't care that you could be out on the street next month."
Move on. The lack of emotional support is bad. Having a 'relationship' with some half-elf is another. But there's something wrong with her for doing that. Don't look back.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:03 PM on February 27, 2006
I think pyramid termite has it about right...she sounds like a fair-weather wife.
Can you be happy with that?
posted by Malor at 1:11 PM on February 27, 2006
Can you be happy with that?
posted by Malor at 1:11 PM on February 27, 2006
It's pretty impossible for us to give you sound advice on so little information. If your few paragraphs are an accurate summation of your entire relationship, which they aren't, then I would say dump her as hard and as fast as possible. You will bear the pain for a while, but never look back and never regret it. The pain will lessen, but only if you can put it behind you.
Living without resolution for any period of time is soul crushing, make your resolution and move on.
posted by parallax7d at 1:12 PM on February 27, 2006
Living without resolution for any period of time is soul crushing, make your resolution and move on.
posted by parallax7d at 1:12 PM on February 27, 2006
Dude - I can relate - a bit over three years ago I got audited by the IRS, lost my job, my mom died at a young age, my dog died and my wife left me. I was heartbroken that she did, because I loved her very much, and did not anticipate it at all - especially since my mom had just died a few weeks earlier. Despite what I wanted (to stay married) I had to do the right thing (and let her go with love). You know, that was a really painful time in my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, because it helped make me a better person and helped give me a better life. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I'm afraid that my experience is all I have to share. Take it slow.
posted by gregariousrecluse at 1:29 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by gregariousrecluse at 1:29 PM on February 27, 2006
b_b:
Just call this one a 'starter marriage' and get on with your life. You seem like a good guy with your head mostly together, and it just seems like she's not right for you. It almost seems like you guys are just too young to make this kinda commitment.
Just be thankful that it happened before you had kids.
posted by empath at 1:29 PM on February 27, 2006
Just call this one a 'starter marriage' and get on with your life. You seem like a good guy with your head mostly together, and it just seems like she's not right for you. It almost seems like you guys are just too young to make this kinda commitment.
Just be thankful that it happened before you had kids.
posted by empath at 1:29 PM on February 27, 2006
work on yourself and your problems and determine whether this is what you really want from a marriage ... you're not going to change her ... all you can do is decide whether you're going to accept her indifference or look for what you want somewhere else
if it's ok with you, fine ... if it's not ... then you should leave
posted by pyramid termite at 12:27 PM EST on February 27 [!]
That was some excellent advice.
Concentrate your efforts on fixing yourself and don't worry too much about the relationship right now. You have suffered some terrible losses and need to get your life in order. You still love her and it is fine to let her know that, but you should also let her know that painful as it may be you are also prepared to move on alone if she does not want to be with you. As Konolia described if you are more independent and less needy you will look better in her eyes. After you are feeling a bit more settled and less needy you will be in a better position to decide whether this is a relationship worth saving. I have to agree with many of the posters above who said you seem like a really good guy. It will all work out somehow, life will go on, and however it works out if you concentrate now on fixing yourself you will be left a much stronger person than you were going in to this situation. Good luck.
posted by caddis at 1:48 PM on February 27, 2006
if it's ok with you, fine ... if it's not ... then you should leave
posted by pyramid termite at 12:27 PM EST on February 27 [!]
That was some excellent advice.
Concentrate your efforts on fixing yourself and don't worry too much about the relationship right now. You have suffered some terrible losses and need to get your life in order. You still love her and it is fine to let her know that, but you should also let her know that painful as it may be you are also prepared to move on alone if she does not want to be with you. As Konolia described if you are more independent and less needy you will look better in her eyes. After you are feeling a bit more settled and less needy you will be in a better position to decide whether this is a relationship worth saving. I have to agree with many of the posters above who said you seem like a really good guy. It will all work out somehow, life will go on, and however it works out if you concentrate now on fixing yourself you will be left a much stronger person than you were going in to this situation. Good luck.
posted by caddis at 1:48 PM on February 27, 2006
The beginning of a marriage can be a time of really hard transition. Then add the other stressful events. Maybe she's overwhelmed by your needs. Maybe she has no idea how to cope. You can't do much to affect how she reacts to these realities.
Losing your dad and close friend is a really big deal. I'm so sorry for your loss. Continue to work on yourself. Find a therapy group, or friends to play basketball with, or whatever it takes to recover from your losses. Focus on finding the strength you have within you to recover from your losses. Focus on doing a great job at work.
You can't make her return to the marriage. But you can learn to be independent and happy and healthy for yourself. She'll either want to come back to the fabulous you, or not. If not, it's a painful loss on top of other painful losses. But you'll be so fabulous that you won't be alone for long. By making yourself the best Baby_Balrog you can be, you win either way. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 2:17 PM on February 27, 2006
Losing your dad and close friend is a really big deal. I'm so sorry for your loss. Continue to work on yourself. Find a therapy group, or friends to play basketball with, or whatever it takes to recover from your losses. Focus on finding the strength you have within you to recover from your losses. Focus on doing a great job at work.
You can't make her return to the marriage. But you can learn to be independent and happy and healthy for yourself. She'll either want to come back to the fabulous you, or not. If not, it's a painful loss on top of other painful losses. But you'll be so fabulous that you won't be alone for long. By making yourself the best Baby_Balrog you can be, you win either way. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 2:17 PM on February 27, 2006
I further suggest that you listen to one of my favorite This American Life episodes, "The Sanctity of Marriage." You can find iy in the shows archives, it ran 3/26/04.
posted by Sara Anne at 2:20 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by Sara Anne at 2:20 PM on February 27, 2006
Good lord. Your dad died, your friend shot himself, you totalled your car and you (understandably) hit a sticky patch in your work life. Your wife's response is to leave you for some fictional guy she met on the internet?
<2 cents>Not only do you not need this woman in your life, you need this woman NOT in your life.
posted by unSane at 2:26 PM on February 27, 2006
<2 cents>Not only do you not need this woman in your life, you need this woman NOT in your life.
posted by unSane at 2:26 PM on February 27, 2006
Divorce her, and then find a chick who's like 10 times hotter. Make her regret her choice!
posted by delmoi at 2:27 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by delmoi at 2:27 PM on February 27, 2006
I don't have much to add but I'll say that all the bad things that happened to you prior to this were things that you didn't deserve. The one thing that you deserved by being in a trusting relationship (in your case being married) is to have a partner that supports you though these terrible events. If that person cannot do that then they don't deserve you, and you certainly do not deserve the additional trauma of having to deal with whether or not they'll do the same thing to you again IF (and it is a big IF) they come back to you.
All the very best of luck to you whatever ends up happening.
posted by ob at 2:43 PM on February 27, 2006
All the very best of luck to you whatever ends up happening.
posted by ob at 2:43 PM on February 27, 2006
I don't think your wife is especially awful (she's obviously having issues of her own), but she clearly can't deal with the "worse" part of "for better or worse". Say you work it out this time. What if something else happens after you get back together? Will having been through a similar situation make it easier a second time? No, it'll be ten times worse. It's sad (for you) that you're still in love with her, but you really deserve someone better.
My prescription for 2006: get your own place, settle into your new job, do what's good for you and get a puppy!
posted by deborah at 3:19 PM on February 27, 2006
My prescription for 2006: get your own place, settle into your new job, do what's good for you and get a puppy!
posted by deborah at 3:19 PM on February 27, 2006
I tend to disagree with the diagnosis that B's wife an uncaring, selfish monster. A bunch of heavy stuff came down, and she didn't know how to deal with it. Plus, we don't know what their life was like before the disasters struck. If it was fantastic would she have fled so readily? Reality is messy.
posted by mecran01 at 3:51 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by mecran01 at 3:51 PM on February 27, 2006
Been there, done that. Got the fucking icepick in my heart.
In my circumstances it was her addiiction to text-based MUDs (I'm old), but basically the same thing. Cybersex and phone sex included. She retreated away from the real world and didn't pay attention to me, my problems, her (not mine) two year old son, his problems, and no one in her family would do a damned thing about it.
It took me two years of unemployment, walking the streets, crying jags into the phone with the suicide hotline, until I was finally able to look myself in the mirror and say "Kickstart70, you're a good man and she's the fucking antichrist whore of Babylon bitch. Get over her.", and then I did. I still had huge issues, but being able to cut that need to have her made all the difference in the world.
This is not to say it doesn't still hurt. Even as I type this my eyes squint and tear, and this was more than a decade ago. But the emotional growth that I was forced to go through because of this woman (and the woman in between which was another stupid mistake I learned from) was the foundation of the very good and positive and loving relationship I am in now.
Cut her loose in your mind and heart, get your own space (mentally and physically), cry your eyes out and don't let her problems be yours, but right now you've got quite enough problems to deal with on your own.
Good luck.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:55 PM on February 27, 2006
In my circumstances it was her addiiction to text-based MUDs (I'm old), but basically the same thing. Cybersex and phone sex included. She retreated away from the real world and didn't pay attention to me, my problems, her (not mine) two year old son, his problems, and no one in her family would do a damned thing about it.
It took me two years of unemployment, walking the streets, crying jags into the phone with the suicide hotline, until I was finally able to look myself in the mirror and say "Kickstart70, you're a good man and she's the fucking antichrist whore of Babylon bitch. Get over her.", and then I did. I still had huge issues, but being able to cut that need to have her made all the difference in the world.
This is not to say it doesn't still hurt. Even as I type this my eyes squint and tear, and this was more than a decade ago. But the emotional growth that I was forced to go through because of this woman (and the woman in between which was another stupid mistake I learned from) was the foundation of the very good and positive and loving relationship I am in now.
Cut her loose in your mind and heart, get your own space (mentally and physically), cry your eyes out and don't let her problems be yours, but right now you've got quite enough problems to deal with on your own.
Good luck.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:55 PM on February 27, 2006
B_B: you don't deserve what happened to you. Your dad dying, your friend dying, your wife leaving, and leaving you up shit creek with no paddle - none of it. That kind of year shouldn't happen to a dog.
Your wife's got problems too, and they're probably more serious than you realize. She definitely can't be there for you right now, and she's not going to be, no matter what your needs are right now.
My advice is to focus on the things that you have in your life that are working right and supporting you: your job, your relationship with your mom (who clearly loves you and is there for you.). See lots of your friends. Get their perspectives on what's going on - make sure to listen as well as talk.
When your head's back on right, see a divorce attorney and have your wife served with papers. She didn't hold up her end of the bargain; no reason you should be needing to factor 20 years of alimony payments into your future. (I mean, it's all well and good to think that it might work out eventually. If it's going to, you'll damn sure find out right after the papers get delivered.)
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:01 PM on February 27, 2006
Your wife's got problems too, and they're probably more serious than you realize. She definitely can't be there for you right now, and she's not going to be, no matter what your needs are right now.
My advice is to focus on the things that you have in your life that are working right and supporting you: your job, your relationship with your mom (who clearly loves you and is there for you.). See lots of your friends. Get their perspectives on what's going on - make sure to listen as well as talk.
When your head's back on right, see a divorce attorney and have your wife served with papers. She didn't hold up her end of the bargain; no reason you should be needing to factor 20 years of alimony payments into your future. (I mean, it's all well and good to think that it might work out eventually. If it's going to, you'll damn sure find out right after the papers get delivered.)
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:01 PM on February 27, 2006
i know you don't want to hear this, but this woman is not worthy of you. marriage is all about in sickness and in health and all that shit. so if she were sick in the hospital, you'd probably be right there by her side and all, as much affection as you've expressed for her. but when you needed her, she was off in self-absorbed space even before you needed her (so it wasn't about it being all too heavy for her) and not even a year into the marriage. she's got no inner character. you do. dude, move on. there's so much life out there.
posted by 3.2.3 at 4:54 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by 3.2.3 at 4:54 PM on February 27, 2006
I'm not sure why you want her so bad, but love is in the eye of the beholder I guess. So if you do want her in your life, your only hope is to get on with your life. Tell her you love her and want to be with her, but don't push any further or grovel as that will probably make her more distant and resentful. Odds are if she comes back to you, it'll be when you've finally started functioning and being relatively content without her presence in your life.
But I really wonder what kind of woman would bail on her husband after such a short marriage especially given all the shit you've gone through in the recent past.
Btw, I commend your courage in asking this question under your own nick even if some of the details don't put you in the most favorable light, and I appreciate your candor. You deserve better than a fair weather wife who's more concerned with gaming and internet international men of mystery than being present in her marriage. The way she's bought the Belgian (probably) bullshitter's story also adds gullible to her list of wonderful traits.
I agree that Mr Flanders is chock full of shit. I'm surprised he didn't pass himself off as a neurosurgeon slash fighter pilot slash Nobel prize winner.
posted by Devils Slide at 5:30 PM on February 27, 2006
But I really wonder what kind of woman would bail on her husband after such a short marriage especially given all the shit you've gone through in the recent past.
Btw, I commend your courage in asking this question under your own nick even if some of the details don't put you in the most favorable light, and I appreciate your candor. You deserve better than a fair weather wife who's more concerned with gaming and internet international men of mystery than being present in her marriage. The way she's bought the Belgian (probably) bullshitter's story also adds gullible to her list of wonderful traits.
I agree that Mr Flanders is chock full of shit. I'm surprised he didn't pass himself off as a neurosurgeon slash fighter pilot slash Nobel prize winner.
posted by Devils Slide at 5:30 PM on February 27, 2006
I don't know why your wife has let you down so badly; quite possibly, she doesn't even know why she's done it (the fake Belgian chef/speed racer/cancer-cure-discoverer is not actually it, even if she thinks it is). The fact is, though, that she has -- and quite dramatically and definitively, at that.
Some people -- sometimes even people you love desperately -- will just let you down. Plain and simple. They just won't be there when you need them the most and -- here's the big secret to understand -- there's nothing you can do, say, be, feel, or need to make them change. They may not like messy emotions. They may be secret narcissists who don't like it when they're not the center of attention. They may come through in certain ways, but with strings attached. They may make you think that it's your needs and expectations that are the problem. All of it adds up to the same thing: some people just don't have the ability to come through for others in a meaningful way. When the going gets tough, some people get going to help you (or help themselves)... and others just get going, as fast and as far away as they can.
It is a heartbreaking lesson for you to learn about your wife, b_b, but better to learn it now than five or ten years down the road when you have a mortgage and kids and infinitely more energy invested. I echo all the advice to turn to the people you know you can count on, set the goal to have your own place in a few months, spend time doing things you enjoy, rescue a dog, and look to a future in which you are in a relationship with a woman who will be there for you in the same ways you want to be there for her. There are good women out there who want a good man like you. I promise.
posted by scody at 5:59 PM on February 27, 2006
Some people -- sometimes even people you love desperately -- will just let you down. Plain and simple. They just won't be there when you need them the most and -- here's the big secret to understand -- there's nothing you can do, say, be, feel, or need to make them change. They may not like messy emotions. They may be secret narcissists who don't like it when they're not the center of attention. They may come through in certain ways, but with strings attached. They may make you think that it's your needs and expectations that are the problem. All of it adds up to the same thing: some people just don't have the ability to come through for others in a meaningful way. When the going gets tough, some people get going to help you (or help themselves)... and others just get going, as fast and as far away as they can.
It is a heartbreaking lesson for you to learn about your wife, b_b, but better to learn it now than five or ten years down the road when you have a mortgage and kids and infinitely more energy invested. I echo all the advice to turn to the people you know you can count on, set the goal to have your own place in a few months, spend time doing things you enjoy, rescue a dog, and look to a future in which you are in a relationship with a woman who will be there for you in the same ways you want to be there for her. There are good women out there who want a good man like you. I promise.
posted by scody at 5:59 PM on February 27, 2006
Well as a woman who has walked away form an overly needy man or 6 I think what she did sucks. If my SOs Dad died, his best friend killed himself and work was getting a bit too much I'd say "Honey you go to bed for a month and I'll work extra hard to keep you in Cheerios till you feel better". That's what spouses are FOR, for Pete's sake.
posted by fshgrl at 10:07 PM on February 27, 2006
posted by fshgrl at 10:07 PM on February 27, 2006
Lots of comments, so apologies in advance if this has been said.
First, I sympathize, empathize, or otherwise "understand" without trying to come across as if I really do. It wasn't your "there" but other than that little technicality, I've been there.
Second, if you find yourself, oh, fantasizing about, say, the best way to kill yourself and still have your organs be harvestable for a transplant patient, see your doctor. The abyss you're in can become just a well you're peering down if you get the right meds.
Third—or maybe first, except it wouldn't make sense in sequence—ask your doctor about the potential for "sexual side effects" for the happy pill that's keeping you from driving through that guardrail. "Sexual side effects" can mean that your libido gets completely zapped: no interest in self pleasure, girl-watching involves only the pleasure of the view without subsequent lecherous fantasy, no ability to sustain a headboard-shaking relationship after the novelty has worn off, etc. This is important because as your life moves on, you'll run into a couple of different kinds of relationships: the temporary (hours, days, months) type where your virility is at least as important to yourself as to her and (if you're as lucky as I) the longer term type where it wasn't what you'd planned, expected, or (thought you) wanted, but it's perfect and you want to keep her happily worn out.
While you've probably heard this a thousand times by now, it sounds like you deserve "better." Good hunting, and (Fourth), don't settle for "good enough" while you're waiting to meet "nearly perfect." If you're not sure, visit outcall.net and check for <ahem> facilitators in your local area. Best damned way-more-expensive-than-I-expected-but-genuinely-saved-my-life $600 I ever spent. (Unless I actually included my email in my profile, in which case I'm speaking purely hypothetically.) Even (or especially) if your intent is to go all monastic on the world's ass, spring for a full GFE.
posted by phrits at 7:16 PM on February 28, 2006
First, I sympathize, empathize, or otherwise "understand" without trying to come across as if I really do. It wasn't your "there" but other than that little technicality, I've been there.
Second, if you find yourself, oh, fantasizing about, say, the best way to kill yourself and still have your organs be harvestable for a transplant patient, see your doctor. The abyss you're in can become just a well you're peering down if you get the right meds.
Third—or maybe first, except it wouldn't make sense in sequence—ask your doctor about the potential for "sexual side effects" for the happy pill that's keeping you from driving through that guardrail. "Sexual side effects" can mean that your libido gets completely zapped: no interest in self pleasure, girl-watching involves only the pleasure of the view without subsequent lecherous fantasy, no ability to sustain a headboard-shaking relationship after the novelty has worn off, etc. This is important because as your life moves on, you'll run into a couple of different kinds of relationships: the temporary (hours, days, months) type where your virility is at least as important to yourself as to her and (if you're as lucky as I) the longer term type where it wasn't what you'd planned, expected, or (thought you) wanted, but it's perfect and you want to keep her happily worn out.
While you've probably heard this a thousand times by now, it sounds like you deserve "better." Good hunting, and (Fourth), don't settle for "good enough" while you're waiting to meet "nearly perfect." If you're not sure, visit outcall.net and check for <ahem> facilitators in your local area. Best damned way-more-expensive-than-I-expected-but-genuinely-saved-my-life $600 I ever spent. (Unless I actually included my email in my profile, in which case I'm speaking purely hypothetically.) Even (or especially) if your intent is to go all monastic on the world's ass, spring for a full GFE.
posted by phrits at 7:16 PM on February 28, 2006
hit the local bars
posted by 29 at 3:07 PM on March 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by 29 at 3:07 PM on March 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
divorcecare.org. Find a group near you. (oh, and don't hit the local bars).
posted by devbrain at 10:22 AM on March 9, 2006
posted by devbrain at 10:22 AM on March 9, 2006
First, if your description is accurate, it's over.
Your father dying, your friend killing himself -- it's not like you need to "go and patch up your life" as some rather heartless posters said. In fact, I'd say *if you don't fall apart somewhat when your parents die then there is something wrong with you*. (I've had my father die and I've had a friend self-terminate.)
Getting hooked on MMORGs, having affairs with faux chefs... very very low quality material. You can definitely do better.
So you have to come to terms with it in your heart -- it's over. You should meditate on that mantra "it's over. it's over." for 20 minutes, twice a day, until you believe it.
She has poor impulse control... you need to prepared for the day when she's bored and wants to come back to you for a few weeks or months... and then leaves again and fries your heart again.
Now what to do? Well, throw yourself into some sort of project that involves a lot of contact with people. Joining a theatre group is always great -- particularly if you don't want to act, there are a gazillion things to do back-stage, and there are tons of cute girls. Skip gaming. Go out and take a lot of mini-courses. Take a dance course! Go to concerts. Go to art galleries. Underground music shows are a great way to meet girls and you're supporting the mainstream artists of tomorrow.
Nothing, nothing at all, will cheer you up like a nice Yoga session.
Consider dropping the happy pills if you can function without them. You have every right to be bummed out, don't let a pill rob you of it. Mourn deeply, then move on.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 12:23 PM on March 11, 2006
Your father dying, your friend killing himself -- it's not like you need to "go and patch up your life" as some rather heartless posters said. In fact, I'd say *if you don't fall apart somewhat when your parents die then there is something wrong with you*. (I've had my father die and I've had a friend self-terminate.)
Getting hooked on MMORGs, having affairs with faux chefs... very very low quality material. You can definitely do better.
So you have to come to terms with it in your heart -- it's over. You should meditate on that mantra "it's over. it's over." for 20 minutes, twice a day, until you believe it.
She has poor impulse control... you need to prepared for the day when she's bored and wants to come back to you for a few weeks or months... and then leaves again and fries your heart again.
Now what to do? Well, throw yourself into some sort of project that involves a lot of contact with people. Joining a theatre group is always great -- particularly if you don't want to act, there are a gazillion things to do back-stage, and there are tons of cute girls. Skip gaming. Go out and take a lot of mini-courses. Take a dance course! Go to concerts. Go to art galleries. Underground music shows are a great way to meet girls and you're supporting the mainstream artists of tomorrow.
Nothing, nothing at all, will cheer you up like a nice Yoga session.
Consider dropping the happy pills if you can function without them. You have every right to be bummed out, don't let a pill rob you of it. Mourn deeply, then move on.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 12:23 PM on March 11, 2006
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It takes active work by two people to make a relationship, and if one of the partners will not participate in that work, the relationship is doomed.
At the very least, give her the time and space needed to make her own decision. It might be that she'll realize that she's making a terrible decision and come back on her own -- it happens all the time. Just make sure you let her know that the door is open for her.
For what it's worth, I'm very sorry. People don't realize how much losing a relationship is like experiencing someone's death, the death of a relationship. But if you play your cards right, you might be able to salvage a friendship with your wife.
Trust me on this -- sometimes a good friendship is far better than a bad romance.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:01 AM on February 27, 2006 [1 favorite]