This Nagging Question

August 20, 2008 4:23 AM

How does a husband and a wife deal with nagging and the resultant arguments? My wife is a self-admitted nag. I am a self-admitted procrastinator. She likes to make decisions and do things now. I would rather sleep on it and let things develop a bit. I don't have a problem with leaving a dish or two in the sink. She needs the place to be near spotless. I am not a slob. She is not anal-retentive. When she wants me to hang curtains, she wants it done now. If I need something done, I will do it myself on a deadline I feel will not impact the situation. I don't think this problem is unique to our relationship. How have you and your wife better dealt with this proverbial problem? A good answer to this question is not 'just pick up your sh*t!'.
posted by kaizen to human relations (37 comments total)

This probably isn't the answer you want to hear, but it's going to be a lot easier for you to change than it will be for her. Your behavior is one of action, whereas hers is one of emotion. She really can't choose not to be annoyed by dishes in the sink; you can certainly choose not to leave them there.

Doing it this way will achieve greater peace in your marriage, and will demonstrate to your wife that you take her concerns seriously enough to do something about them.
posted by DWRoelands at 4:39 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Actually we had to adjust our timing : she had to learn to wait, I had to accustom myself to speed up a little bit. Works better now.
posted by nicolin at 4:41 AM on August 20, 2008

For things like hanging curtains and other projects big and small, write it down. Keep a running list of things that need to be done around the house / car / etc. (maybe include maintenance things like this as well). Create the list together. Each week, talk with your wife about what you want to accomplish on the weekend, and transfer that chore to the calendar on your fridge (or any calendar you both use). Then, even though you haven't done it yet, cross it out on the list. When you finish it, cross it off on the calendar as well. If it rains, if you get lazy, if it takes longer than you thought it would, bump it to the following Saturday's list. It stays on the calendar until you get it done, and you should be the one to write it on the calendar and also cross it off the list.

For the little everyday things like dishes in the sink or socks on the floor, consider something like this --- when it's your real routine, the day-in, day-out habits, make cleaning up a part of that routine. So no breakfast dishes or coffee mugs in the sink, because you use the same bowl/spoon/mug every day and you have 35 seconds to take care of them, a kindness to your wife that eliminates 5 frustrating moments each week for her. Same with your clothes. If it's the same thing every day, just change your routine until putting the socks in the hamper becomes habit. On the other hand, when you're eating a quick sandwich before going out to do something on the weekend, leave your plate in the sink and even some crumbs on the counter. She can let those incidents slide & not let a nag-argument ruin your Saturday night out. Same goes for a jacket over a chair once in a while, as opposed to tripping over your running shoes in the middle of the floor every day.

Also don't let the arguments happen. She will nag, even if you start picking everything up. You guys have a cycle going and even though neither of you like it, it will take a while to break the habits of nagging, getting defensive, etc. So if you two approach these changes like a joint project, then your part is to not react defensively when she nags, and her part is to change nagging to requests.

Can you tell I've experienced something similar? =) About the list, it worked much better for us to have it handwritten --- crossing things out was much more satisfying than just deleting. A strikethrough isn't the same.
posted by headnsouth at 5:18 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Oh, and I completely forgot --- positive reinforcement. Pat each other on the back for every dish you've washed, every sock she ignored, every item crossed off the list, etc. Do it exaggeratedly & with good humor, like you both realize how silly it is to thank someone for putting a spoon away but it feels good anyway to hear it.
posted by headnsouth at 5:22 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

To deal with the anal-retentive person: establish firm boundaries where the person is allowed to be as anal as they like (public, shared spaces, for instance), and places where the person is simply not allowed to comment (garage/study/basement/other dingy places males like to go).

To deal with the procrastinator: find something you provide the other person that they've grown accustomed to, then withhold it. Yes, it's childish. Procrastinators can't be reasoned with.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:23 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Do you have any kind of scheduling system you can defer to? I'll do it Thursday. See? It's on the schedule. No nagging 'til Thursday.

As for the slob part of the question, maybe what's driving her nuts is that it appears to her that you just don't care (enough)? Can you establish some kind of minimum threshold for cleanliness? Example: One or two dirty dishes is okay. Six dishes is too much. If num_dishes >= 6 then wash_all_dishes(). Crap, if you're really lazy you can just wash four dishes and get it back down to two. Then it becomes come on, there's only two dishes. You're not going to bust my balls over two lousy dishes, are you? We talked about this!
posted by ostranenie at 5:26 AM on August 20, 2008

draw up a very practical compromise agreement.

my husband and i didnt have this particular problem, but our issues with each other were:
-i wanted him to spend less money (im frugal and want him to be more so)
-he wanted me to exercise more (i get moody when i dont exercise)

we basically made a contract, i would exercise x amount every week, and he would not spend more than x amount every week. if i didnt keep up my end, he would be allowed to spend more and if he didnt keep up his end i wouldnt have to exercise as much. we were both totally motivated to keep our end of the deal and it worked like a dream.

(after a few weeks we didnt have to do it anymore because we both recognised the benefits of what the other wanted from us.)
posted by beccyjoe at 5:39 AM on August 20, 2008

I am the wife here, and just like yours. Except instead of nagging I get resentful. Yuck.

For us, it helped for me to learn that if I had a specific deadline, then I should do it myself. If I could do it on my timeline, I did it, and if I couldn't, I had no choice but to wait (hanging something heavy, etc) and over time I saw that my deadlines were not always rational.

Another positive that came out of this, is that many times if husband sees me doing something he can help with, he will...right at that moment. I've learned it's not the task he's avoiding, he just doesn't think to get it started.

Most often now if I want something done I just do it, knowing he'll be behind me soon enough.
posted by agentwills at 5:41 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Kaisen, I can't answer this until you loan your wife your account and she tells us her side of this.
posted by konolia at 5:56 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I meant kaizen...oops.
posted by konolia at 5:56 AM on August 20, 2008

I also use Civil_Disobedient's scheme, as follows:

Public Space (always shared space) - Keep it clean. Illegal clutter hits the trash can. One or two times of this and the training gets rapdily effective. "Honey, where did I put my bank statement?"

Private space - shared - Keep it reasonably clean, clean if it bothers you/her. Be considerate of your share-mate's feelings, generally. No one likes to trip over your randomly placed shoes. This is a place where you demonstrate your love and consideration for your mate. Make it nice for her/him!

Private space - personal - Trash it as you desire. No comments allowed. It is a room-of-your-own. Underwear and potato chip bags can be freely strewn.


I didn't always do this. My late first wife and I had a similar dynamic to yours, and she 'nagged' me, too. In retrospect, I can see how not caring for what she had tried hard to organize was disrespectful to her desires and efforts and can see how easy it would have been to send a different message with a small amount of additional effort. Of course, at the time, I was in the middle of it all and could not see the structure behind our conflict, just the conflict. The conflict bred resentment for both of us and detracted from our relationship.

Sharing a life and home involve conflicts in a number of areas. Over time, you can either converge or diverge, so perhaps you could be a little more considerate and she could be a little more tolerant if you want to preserve your relationship, nay, IMPROVE it!

The alternative is disengagement. Remember, a small initial divergence will grow bigger over time, just like aiming a few thousandths low will miss the target at distance. Easier to correct this now.




On the procrastination.... I'll get back to you later.
posted by FauxScot at 5:59 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Seconding agentwills - also, relationships are all about compromise. I had to learn that if the house was not spotless it was not the end of the world. What I traded a spotless house for is priceless. I would not go back to having the house clean and everything in it's place if I had to give up my husband for it. Face it, we are all different and I happen to fall for the slob. He in turn realizes how difficult this is for me and he does try.

My sisters have very neat husbands - but they also have problems in other areas. I would not trade my slob for their husbands faults. Has it been easy? No. Did we fight about it? Yes. Do I still have times where I resent it and get angry? Yes again. But it is better to have him than not. And he has changed as much as he can in this area without losing something of himself. I have changed in that I take in stride when I can and bitch when I can't which is far less frequently than when I expected him to be just like me.

What I have learned is to not be so rigid and that is a good thing. And if I cannot wait, I do it myself just like I did before I met him.
posted by shaarog at 5:59 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm a procrastinator too, so I feel your pain. However, I agree with those who say that you're the one who has to change.

I know that if I asked my husband to do things and over and over he said, "I'll do it later," it wouldn't feel like he was waiting to "let things develop a bit." It would feel like I wasn't being heard, or that what I wanted wasn't important. Especially if he was doing fun things like playing video games or watching TV in the meantime.

My husband and I both procrastinate, but when something is important to the other person we both make an effort to get right on it (note that it's what's important to the other person - even if I think it's dumb that he needs me to surrender the computer right now so he can check the Brewers' box score, I do it because it's important to him). Maybe you and your wife need to talk more about what could wait, and what's important enough to do right now.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:14 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Adding a timeline to your to-do list really helps.

I'm on your wife's side about the dishes in the sink. I totally used to be a dish-leaver, then I married a dish-cleaner and now I have all the fervency of the newly-converted to the wonder that is a clean sink.

Honestly, this is an easy point of compromise: there are going to be four or five things that are super easy for you to do and will drastically improve the quality of her life. That might be washing dishes, picking up your shoes, and changing your underwear more frequently or whatever. Things that take moments out of her day and really lift a weight off of her.

And you can make it a deal — by doing those things and agreeing on a mutual to-do schedule, you can get yourself space for other things. Not being nagged about something that isn't due to be done yet, or having your personal office as messy as you want, or whatever.

If I need something done, I will do it myself on a deadline I feel will not impact the situation.

I think that in fairness you need to acknowledge that she is part of the situation, and your moving slow impacts her in a negative way. In fact, sometimes, if you are like me, you respond to the "reminders" (aka nagging) by slowing down, no? But really you are making a choice here, and her feelings are part of that choice, and this is the kind of thing that can have a big impact on whether you have a happy relationship or an unhappy one.
posted by Forktine at 6:37 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm a procrastinator, and I'm going to side with the people that say compromise. That's usually the right answer in marital situations like this.

I disagree with all the people who say the procrastinator should be the only one to change. When I'm being nagged, I experience a lot of the same or similar emotions the naggers above say they feel. There's a feeling of a lack of trust (I said I'll get it done and she doesn't trust me) and a lack of respect (she expects me to drop what I'm doing [which is important to me], so I can do what she wants - she doesn't respect that what I'm doing is important to me, even if it's stupid to her)

What I think my wife realized is one of the better ways to get me to do something when she wants it done is to explain to me why it has to be done by then. Partly that sometimes makes her realize that things aren't as important as she seems to think. Mostly it makes me understand why it's important to her, because when I put something off, it's because I've prioritized it based on my current information, which is sometimes limited.

For my part, I try to give more definite times when I'll work on something (I'll do that after the game / when I'm done with this chapter / etc.). I'll do that right away, and if there's a problem with my timeline, she can let me know right away and again, tell me why.
posted by chndrcks at 6:40 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Don't think of them as "dishes in the sink", think of them as "an unbelievably easy way to make the person who loves you be happier". It literally takes less than a minute to clean up 2 or 3 dishes from breakfast or lunch.

Since I work at home, we do this: before she leaves for work in the morning she'll ask me to do one or two cleaning things that day. The sort of thing that I would never even think of -- cleaning the inside of the microwave, or giving the shower walls a brief scrub to prevent mildew. If she asks me to do this kind of stuff while she's around, I get very resentful, like I'm on staff and she's going to be judging my work. This way, I have all day to do a couple of 5 minute tasks whenever I feel like taking a break from my office.

The truth is, she probably does 80% of the housework. But she's so happy when she sees that I've done the little bit she asked me to do (without complaining about it), that she actually considers herself lucky.
posted by the bricabrac man at 6:49 AM on August 20, 2008

Wow. I could have written this question. I'm a procrastinator and my wife is not. I've always said this is made worse because I operate with a chore cloud and my wife operates with a list. We just don't work in the same way.

Like "the bricabrac man", we've found a way to compromise. I, too, work from home, and each day before my wife leaves for work, she makes a list on a dry-erase board. This list usually contains just one or two items that must be done. It also contains a couple of tasks she'd like done this week, and then some larger tasks for this month. I do my best to make sure these get done.

But I still soak my dishes in the sink, and that leads to conflict...
posted by jdroth at 7:15 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hired a cleaning lady and out sourced a lot of the honey do stuff. I also have a whirlwind of a mother in law so never get resentful when she re-decorates the house or anything. The main thing is to categorize things as long term good thing e.g., clean the roof gutters and short term thing e.g., pick up underwear. Work on the short term stuff and out source the long term stuff including house cleaning chores like the bathroom and work on the short term stuff, "put cap back on toothpaste".

If you do not already have a mechanical dishwasher, get one because that cut down on a lot of sniping right there.
posted by jadepearl at 7:17 AM on August 20, 2008

I'm not so much a procratinator as heroically lazy. However, I spent several years with a boss who would assign lots of normal tasks to do, rush in with some urgent matter, and then come back and complain the normal stuff wasn't done. That sucked hard enough that I had to come up with a mechanism to control the priorities of what people ask me to do.

Here's how I handle it: "Do you want this done now or can it wait? I am doing X right now. Is it more important than X to you?" If the answer is yes, go do it immediately. If the answer is always yes, then the problem isn't a procrastinator/nag issue but it's because she undervalues your time or activities. In any reasonably healthy relationship the answer should not always be yes.

If the answer's "no, but..." then make a commitment about when it will be done. "Okay. I'll do it after the X is over and I check on the Y, Z. I wasn't planning on Z until Friday, though. Should I do it before Z?"

I can't really speak to your housekeeping, since the housekeeping structure in my household is somewhat unique and probably inapplicable to you. I use an "I cook it, you clean it" system for meals, but the general state of the kitchen -- which I have declared part of my domain -- is my responsibility and I'm really the person who cares about it. I have an office space in my domain and its state is also my problem. Complaints about the domain of another member of the household are strictly forbidden. Domains are sovereign territory and activities within their borders are negotiable only through diplomatic means. A person can ask for help with cleaning tasks within their own domain, and wander in to provide unsolicited services to other domains, but the Golden Rule of my household controls these interactions.

The Golden Rule of my household is, literally, "A fusser gets nothing." If you care about something enough to make a fuss over it, but not enough to take an action apart from fussing, you're on your own. It's a peculiar system that probably wouldn't function with a different set of people, but it suits our personalities just fine and really it's just a variation of the age-old "Talk is Cheap" system.
posted by majick at 7:44 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

You are not laid back, or willing to let things slide, and she is not a nag or emotional. In fact, you are making her be in charge of this stuff. You are making it both her fault and her responsibility for things to be done. If you wait until she either a) just does it herself or b) goes apeshit on you, well, gee you were going to get to it, right? Trust me, she does not enjoy nagging, she does not enjoy having to get emotional before you get up off your passive-aggressive ass and she sure as hell doesn't enjoy having to do everything herself if she wants to get it done. So, I know you said that "just pick up your shit" was not the response the wanted but unfortunately, y'know, just pick up your shit.

(aside to mr. nax-- is this you?)
posted by nax at 7:53 AM on August 20, 2008 [27 favorites has favorites]

As one who has sometimes been the nagging one in the relationship, the best solution I've found is to divide and conquer. Part of what can be so freakin' annoying from the perspective of a nagger is being the one who always notices that X needs to be done, and having to be the one who "assigns" it to someone else to do--really not fun. You end up feeling like mommy, and can resent being put in that position--either having to do everything yourself or nag your partner.

For a long time, my boyfriend and I tried to split things evenly, but eventually I realized I'd be a lot less resentful if we just took over separate tasks. Since cleaning was the one issue I always ended up nagging my boyfriend about, we calculated how much time on average I spent picking up and cleaning the apartment, and looked for a regular household task he could do that would take about the same amount of time and energy. He ended up being totally responsible for grocery shopping, which was perfect--I loathe wasting my Saturday mornings inside, and he didn't mind as much. Now he's totally responsible for figuring out when it needs to happen (not running out of food is a powerful motivator for not procrastinating!), and making out the list and keeping track of what's running low (and if he doesn't do a good job, he ends up having to make more trips than he'd like). It's a huge mental load off of me--if I want something special or out-of-the-ordinary I just write it on the grocery list, but otherwise I totally don't need to keep track of it--and I can just clean whenever the urge strikes me without getting resentful about having to shoulder more of the burden of running the household.

It doesn't have to be grocery shopping, either. You should pick something that you know will bother or inconvenience you before it does her. For example, laundry, if you tend to run out of clean shirts for work before she does, or cooking dinner every night, if you get hungrier earlier than she does. The key is that it should be: (1) something that needs to be done on a somewhat regular basis--not the "odd job" of keeping the car running or cleaning the gutters, because that almost always ends up being way less work--and (2) something that she either likes doing less or would be bothered less by if it didn't get done on time.
posted by iminurmefi at 7:55 AM on August 20, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

I'm all for compromises, but speaking as a procrastinator, solutions like specific deadlines don't really work. It ends up being too rigid and arbitrary (in my experience).

Here's the compromise solution that we came up with and has worked for 6+ years. Maybe it will work for you.

Ask your wife to make a list of ten (or six, or whatever ... a small number that you can keep in your head) of no-procrastination tasks. They must be specific (i.e. "keep house clean" is too broad, "never leave socks on the floor" is perfect). The deal is this: you ALWAYS do the tasks on the list without procrastination or reminders (while still acting in good faith on non-list items) and in exchange she backs off on non-list items. You will both probably find that 10 is actually a lot - my wife felt like she had a million little problems to talk about but had trouble filling up the list.

It sounds a little bit hokey, and at first it seems like it would leave out alot but it is surprisingly effective. In my experience, things like hanging drapes (probably not on the list) immediately became alot more civilized and calm because:
-we're not secretly talking about the 10 minor things that have been bugging her all week
-she feels more comfortable compromising in this specific case because that's her side of the deal with the list
-I'm happy to have a specific list of simple, concrete things to avoid fights

good luck!
posted by aquafiend at 8:08 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Give a time frame, stick to it, she can't nag you in the meantime.

"I will hang the curtain by Saturday, is that okay?"

"Could you do it by Friday? My mother's coming on Saturday."

"Okay, I'll do it on Friday. Might be late on Friday because I'm having dinner with Bob."

"Sounds good. I love you!"

END OF CONVERSATION FOREVER
posted by sondrialiac at 8:19 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Although I am not a procrastinator, I think iminurimefi's advice is much more productive than nax's. Sometimes the person who nags is not actually doing more work than the procrastinator--he or she just likes to bark orders. Barking orders is toxic behavior, even when it is triggered by a procrastinator's own bad behavior, and it takes two to break the cycle.
posted by A Long and Troublesome Lameness at 9:54 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

You are not laid back, or willing to let things slide, and she is not a nag or emotional. In fact, you are making her be in charge of this stuff. You are making it both her fault and her responsibility for things to be done.

This situation has nothing to do with work styles. I too fell into the "person in charge" trap. It's not entirely one sided - you didn't put anything on her that she didn't accept - but it is one of those handy little resentment generators that we often use in committed relationships when we don't want to deal with what's really bothering us. She gets to feel like she's in charge - you get to feel like you're bucking the system - in reality, you're both fighting a pointless battle for power.

How to get out of it? Do things together on a mutually agreed on schedule. You need to actually commit to get something done, and she has to agree to let you have input on when it happens. Actually doing the work is so much easier than this back and forth baloney. Figure out why it's so important to both of you and you'll be a lot happier.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:18 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

sondrialiac, I've had that conversation, and what happens is that Friday night rolls around and he forgets. Then, like nax said, it's my fault and my responsibility because I didn't remind him. And to the "just outsource it" folks: where exactly do you hire someone to just come over and hang a curtain, or any number of other odd jobs?
posted by desjardins at 10:30 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Is this a little bit about control? Sure, she can make you hang the curtains, but she can't make you do it NOW! Ha!

I agree with those who say that you need to figure out what really does need to happen right away and what can wait. Then, you compromise by doing the right away things right away and she compromises by accepting that the things that can wait will happen on your schedule.
posted by prefpara at 11:05 AM on August 20, 2008

And to the "just outsource it" folks: where exactly do you hire someone to just come over and hang a curtain, or any number of other odd jobs?

There are a lot of businesses with names like Hire My Husband and Hire A Husband; it has been franchised as Rent A Husband, too. (The cutesy names are optional — every town has a bunch of them, most with names like "Frank's Handyman Service.")

The first link specifically mentions curtain rods and blinds, but pretty much any handyman service will hang curtains, haul your trash pile to the dump, and retile your kitchen.
posted by Forktine at 11:16 AM on August 20, 2008

What worked for me was a similar approach to that of Civil_Disobedient, and FauxScot. There's the shared space, and the private space. Shared space, things go back where they belong, cleaning up is everybody's responsibility, etc, etc. When I first got married I made the mistake of making all space shared space, and was having similar problems as you describe. However, when I took over a room on the excuse of having a home office (it's really more of a "my space") the situation drastically improved. I have my clothes, my computer, my guitar, keyboards, a spare bed, a separate bathroom/shower and it gets cleaned and organized on my schedule how I like it. Conversely, the whole rest of the house gets kept clean and organized how she likes it. I find this works extremely well for us. I don't have a need to leave stuff around, because the stuff I leave around is in my room.
As far as the do it now, vs let's see how things go dynamic, the approach we ended up with is that if something needs done NOW, and I haven't had any prior warning, she gets Mr. Grumpy who does whatever it is, but is vocal in his disapproval of the emergency that's not a real emergency. However, if I had reasonable notice and I failed to deliver in a reasonable time, then a second request results in immediate action, with a honest "whoops, you're right I was supposed to do that, I'll do it now".
What also kind of helps is that she finally realized I'm not lazy, I just get to things on my own time table. So yeah the trees need trimming, but the fact that i don't do them when the weather is nearing 100 degrees doesn't mean I'm being lazy. It means that I'm gonna knock out the bills in the cool(er) house today, and tomorrow when its only in the 80s I'll do the trimming. Or I'll run that errand when I have to go to the store anyway, etc.
This ties into the reasonable request period aspect, since if I'm asked to drop off a package at the post office before the end of the week, I can plan on combining that errand with others such as haircut or dry-cleaning, since they're right next to each other. My way, I get more work done for less effort, but you never quite know when it will be finished. By her giving me some flexibility, it gives me the ability to optimize my schedule. However, in return, if I forget or am late, then that's my fault and I have to do it right away.
posted by forforf at 11:27 AM on August 20, 2008

oh man... power struggles indeed. I agree with The Light Fantastic, and a lot of the other wisdom and experience imparted above.

What works for us: Saturday mornings SO and kids and I clean until the list I've created during the week is done. Children have their own daily chores (of which I have to nag, yuck) and SO pretty much does nothing until the weekend except wash up after dinner (we have a dishwasher) and make no messes other than normal wear and tear. I do everything else. I am the designated home maker even though I have a full time job. I like my home a certain way. I like my food made a certain way. I like my baby to smell and be dressed a certain way... etc., etc. All of these preferences make me the one who does most of the work, and it's okay, because it's done my certain way.

The only time we have trouble is when they "break the rules". The rules consist of and are not limited to: no leaving your crap around, and absolutely no complaining if I can't get to something in time (grocery shopping, laundry, vaccuming). Breaking the complaining rule I have absolutely no tolerance for. The leaving crap around, I just throw the crap in a pile. SO gets his crap left at the top of the basement stairs on the way to his man cave; kids at the bottom of the stairs on the way to their rooms.

It's working okay with the occasional blow up when someone is cranky. I usually enjoy housekeeping. I don't enjoy being taken advantage of or for granted. My family has learned (on their own, to their credit) to thank me for cooking dinner most every night and compliment me on the meal. I appreciate their graciousness and appreciation, it feels like love to me. I think most people don't like housekeeping, which must really suck for them. It's a usually meditative experience for me.
posted by vermontlife at 11:53 AM on August 20, 2008

When she wants me to hang curtains, she wants it done now. If I need something done, I will do it myself on a deadline I feel will not impact the situation.

I'm a little confused, you don't mention what happens when she wants things done and does them herself. Does that happen a lot, as in way more often then you need something done and you do it? If so, then you aren't doing your fair share of the work and she will naturally feel resentful when for example she's cooked dinner with the groceries she bought and cleaned the kitchen and dishes after and rented a movie you wanted to watch and bought the toilet paper you just wiped your ass with on the toilet she cleaned on the weekend while you were on the computer and all she is asking is you spend 20 mins doing some chore she doesn't have the skills for. See how her resentment could build up?

If she has lots of things she wants done but she doesn't do them herself and instead delegates them to you (did you fill out my tax forms? Please can you do it now?) then you have a whole other issue of you feeling resentful for doing an unequal amount of work with unfair reminders of do things she could be doing.

BTW, I am totally the procrastinator and slob in my relationship (and I love my husband for putting up with it - yes, my love, I'll get off the computer now and put away the dishes) but I take up other burdens in our relationship so for us, most of the time, it evens out.
posted by saucysault at 12:04 PM on August 20, 2008

One word: Compromise.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:24 PM on August 20, 2008

Oh dear. I'm just like you, and I'm the female.
I disagree with people who say that you're the one who needs to change...what the other side doesn't always realize is that sloppiness/procrastination isn't a matter of conciously deciding not to do things. Like, I don't look at a sock on the floor and make a decision not to pick it up. The sock is not on my radar. I am thinking about something else and am already unaware that it exists. I'm not messy/scatterbrained on purpose- it's just the way I'm wired.

Compromise is the way to go. That, and specificty. I'd recommend by having your wife pick three specific things she wants you to change. Like, maybe she hates it when you don't put the cap back on the toothpaste. You love her, you want to make her happy, and it's easy to remember if you can change your mindset to "Oh, it drives her up the wall when I leave the cap off the toothpaste! It's on the list! I better put it back on right now." Take a few weeks until those items on the list have become new good habits of yours, then tackle some new ones.

Also, if there's a specific task you just can't ever get yourself to do, and she doesn't mind, assign it to her. You can make a tradeoff. For example, I would gladly sort the recycling every week if I never, ever, had to fold clothes ever again.

Good luck!
posted by emd3737 at 1:34 PM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

My experience with nagging has been that it's often related to feeling like the work you do isn't valued. Like, "all the work I put into keeping this place clean is meaningless to him." If it were just "I want the sink emptied", it's easy to wash a few dishes - but an awful lot of people, women in particular, have a sense that the appearance of their husband-and-home reflects on them. So, if it's not just my preference but my duty to have the sink be clean, then my husband leaving dishes all the time is forcing me to do extra work.

Also, she just may not believe that you'll really get to them. Is there solid evidence in the past that yes, you do put the socks in the hamper eventually, or does the pile just grow and grow until she gets sick of stepping around it and deals with it?

For things that aren't daily tasks, the scheduling advice can be very useful. I know there are many times when it just doesn't occur to me that, oh, you want me to dust because there's company coming over! In those cases, just asking "Can it wait until Friday?" (especially with a reason, like "I'm working on a big project" or "I was hoping to watch a movie tonight") can help.
posted by Lady Li at 4:03 PM on August 20, 2008

sondrialiac, I've had that conversation, and what happens is that Friday night rolls around and he forgets. Then, like nax said, it's my fault and my responsibility because I didn't remind him.

Hmm, perhaps he could grow up and do what he says he's going to do?

When he says he will do something and then doesn't do it, he breaks his word and he harms the trust that is the basis of your relationship. It is a betrayal, if a small one. Breaking promises leads to resentment, frustration, and anger.

It's pretty crazy that you're supposed to remind him. Tell him to get a fucking day planner or some post-its like the rest of us and stop relying on you to be a one-woman PDA.

You can't control him. The only person you can control is you. No advice given here can MAKE someone do what they say they're going to.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:11 PM on August 20, 2008

Are there things that your wife cannot do because of things you did/didn't do?

Like, does she come home with a bag of groceries, ready to make dinner - and she's starving - but she has to clean up after you before she can cook?

If she doesn't feel like cooking, and she wants to make a peanut butter sandwich, does she find moldy jelly in the fridge because you didn't put the lid back on? (No dinner and another trip to the store - that's a real thrill after a long day.)

Is the doing an extra load of laundry a week because you don't pick up towels and they mildew on the floor?

A lot of times these discussions are framed like it's about simple choice - like should we buy a blue bath rug or an orange one. However, if you're messy enough, it's really time and money you're talking about.

There's plenty of good advice here, but if you wife is not pointlessly obsessing, if she just wants to be able to walk into a room in the house and do what she wants to do without taking care of you and your stuff first, then you need to help her out. Even if you are not a slob. Defining spaces would be a good start. If you can afford it, and this is really stressful, get people to do a lot of stuff for you. Seriously.

That said, I am not aware of a curtain hanging deadline. Is she a dedicated living room nudist who, despite the living room nudist lifestyle, does not want the 3 p.m. jogger posse to see her through the window?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:33 PM on August 20, 2008

In Myers-Briggs terms, it sounds like you're a P & she's a J. The sooner people understand & respect these fundamental differences, the better.

Her expecting you to suddenly become all list, task & schedule focused is as silly & unproductive as it would be if you expected her to become all laid back & go-with-the-flow. Only in this situation, the appearance from the outside is that she's a doer & you're a procrastinator, so that probably makes it seem like she's got some sort of moral high ground on you, when in reality, she's trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.

That's not really much of an answer, but you might be able to use that kind of personality typology to get the message across that you are what you are, and that your particular kind of personality brings other things to the table (just not anal-retentive scheduling), and that these things provide other kinds of benefits to the relationship, which she presumably appreciates, or else she wouldn't be with you.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:20 PM on August 21, 2008