No strings attached, please!

August 14, 2008 6:10 PM

Am I in the beginning stages of a "no strings" relationship? Not that I mind.

Just started seeing this funny guy who is nice in bed, but not my really my type and not a good potential partner: he is much younger (I'm in my thirties), and our backgrounds, interests and personalities are really different. We've been on a few dates, about a week apart, with little communication in between. I'm hesitant to discuss our status because I don't want to hurt his feelings if he's actually into me, nor jinx it or something.

Is this the sort of thing you can just "fall into" or should we have some sort of conversation about it? Or set down rules? I don't really know. Also, I am totally fine with NSA, and would prefer it to dating him in a more romantic way. How do I keep this going? What to look out for? Private answers can be sent to [e-mail]. TIA.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 answers total)

Talk. There is every chance he is on a completely different page to you. There is a chance he isn't.

You cannot assume, you have to say what you want if you don't want to run the risk of grief later on. There is nothing to assume a NSa agreement, as that always requires consent on both parts. He may just be not contacting you for various reasons - playing hard to get, is an arsehole, doesn't feel he needs to (proven fact, clearly), doesn't want to crowd you and 'spoil it'.

It could be literally anything. Conversation is the only way to go to avoid future drama.
posted by Brockles at 6:18 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Lucky guy.

Depends; are you going to dump him the next time some other guy shows up?

Either way, totally tell him what you just told us. Most guys would be totally cool (likely even thrilled) with this, or smile and try to make you reconsider.
posted by porpoise at 6:58 PM on August 14, 2008

I'd suggest you put your cards on the table. It's quite shitty if you're sexually involved with somebody & expecting that the dating + sex = the beginnings of a normal relationship, only to find that the other person's on a completely different page to you.

On the other hand, if you're upfront, he can make the call as to whether it's an awesome situation or whether he'd prefer to look elsewhere for whatever he's after.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:32 PM on August 14, 2008

IIRC no strings attached doesn't usually involve going anywhere before having sex after the first meeting or so. You should probably say something.
posted by shownomercy at 7:46 PM on August 14, 2008

Most guys aren't going to really say no to woman that says "While I appreciate the whole flowers and hand-holding and stuff, I'm not really looking for that kind of thing right now. Can we just fuck?"
posted by SpecialK at 8:58 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

idunno; speak for yourself. some of us happen to like relationships, and get little or nothing out of casual sex. so, i wouldn't personally recommend that as a basic assumption.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:34 PM on August 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

Even if you talk it out and agree to what your status is you can end up with a relationship of unbalanced expectations that ends up going down ugly. How I wish that was a theoretical scenario I just made up instead of an unpleasant memory. So by all means have the talk as the minimum defense against an unhappy outcome. If that sort of clarity ends up trashing the relationship that isn't jinxing a good thing, that's saving yourself a whole bunch of inevitable crap up front.
posted by nanojath at 9:55 PM on August 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

Most guys aren't going to really say no to woman that says "While I appreciate the whole flowers and hand-holding and stuff, I'm not really looking for that kind of thing right now. Can we just fuck?"

I would disagree. I recently was in a situation where that was brought up to me, but over the years I've realized that I'm not emotionally able to separate emotions from girls i'm hooking up with constantly and had to actually turn the offer down. I can do one night stands fine, but over a period of time I will develop feelings, and thanks to this girl being upfront after the second week, I was able to cut if off before I got hurt.

So yeah, just talk to him about it.
posted by meowN at 2:00 AM on August 15, 2008

If you tell him this, he will lose interest. Don't say I didn't warn you.
posted by ChabonJabon at 7:52 AM on August 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Be honest with him, and don't get angry if he withdraws a bit. On the other hand, if you make it clear that you enjoy his company, both in bed and out, I can imagine that he might take you up on an offer of a bit of sex here and there.

This will end when he finds someone who wants a real relationship, but if he likes you too, I can't see him just ending all contact when you break the news.
posted by explosion at 8:28 AM on August 15, 2008

Don't do this. Sex has biochemical reactions in the body that influence the brain. Sex does cause attachment. Its a bad idea to sleep with someone you don't intend to attach yourself to.
posted by gte910h at 2:09 AM on August 16, 2008

Sex does cause attachment. Its a bad idea to sleep with someone you don't intend to attach yourself to.

This is not at all true for all people - it is not a statement of fact that your presentation suggests. Presumably it is true for you, and you are unable to imagine an alternative possibility.

Besides. This is about flirting. Not sleeping with people.
posted by Brockles at 7:02 AM on August 16, 2008

Dammit. Ignore the last sentence. I had the flirting thread open as well and I got tabbed to fooldom. The first element very much stands, though.
posted by Brockles at 7:03 AM on August 16, 2008