How can I regain my sense of optimism?

August 8, 2008 11:53 AM

I have had a lot of bad things happen to me in the last few years. How do I regain my optimism?

In the last few years I have been through a divorce, a tumor, $30K in medical debt from the tumor, unemployment and now underemployment because of the divorce and the tumor, relationship problems with my new man, and now the potential of a $75,000 lawsuit against me for a car accident I had almost two years ago. I find that I no longer feel that good things are in store for me...I just keep waiting for yet another bad thing to happen. I am in a constant state of low level anxiety, which I am seeing a psychiatrist and am medicated for. How can I regain my sense that good things are in store for me and all my problems will work out ok?

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 answers total)

I know I risk the anger of the mob, but it is in times like this that my faith provides me with exactly the sort of solace that you seem to be looking for. There's a remarkable amount of comfort to be found in Scripture if that's something you're willing to consider.

I'd be happy to share some of the verses I'm referring to in email, if you like. My email address is on my Metafilter profile.
posted by DWRoelands at 12:01 PM on August 8, 2008

Start small, build something positive in your life that only you control. Dwell on this good thing more than dwelling on the bad things. Take some of those "get back on the horse" cliche's to heart, really take them to heart, and let them empower you.
posted by parallax7d at 12:03 PM on August 8, 2008

Honestly when I find things oppressively depressing I try and focus on the little things that bring me joy.
posted by Ponderance at 12:08 PM on August 8, 2008

Exercise a lot and listen to music that you love. Drink los of water and eat well. Pinpoint the times you feel lowest and eliminate the cause - caffeine, an acquaintance you'd rather not talk to, cigarettes, etc. Read books you love, watch movies you love, spend time with people you love. Get lots of fresh air and try to meet new people, a new perpective can do wonders.
posted by Penelope at 12:08 PM on August 8, 2008 [5 favorites]

Wow thats tough! No wonder you are feeling this way.

Create situations that will guarantee small successes. Even better if those easy to achieve small successes somehow help the other issues. But I really think the key is to start creating small accomplishments to help build up your confidence.

also, doing things like volunteering and helping in your community could help in that you feel productive, useful, like you're contributing in a positive way to society, etc etc etc.

Also, while it isn't something that works for me, turning to faith is something that helps a heck of a lot of people in situations like yours.
posted by gwenlister at 12:11 PM on August 8, 2008

One thing a friend recently told me (I think it was told to her): "You have no trouble expecting bad things to happen. Why is it so hard to expect *good* things to happen?"

It's harder in practice than in theory, of course, but it's a damn good point.
posted by mudpuppie at 12:13 PM on August 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I went through a pretty hellishly bleak period of my life last year and what helped me through it was by focusing on good intentions. It's kind of hippy-dippy to say that "like brings like," but I found that the more I focused on putting positive energy towards things that I wanted, or things that would make me happy, the more good things DID happen.

That's not to say that my life is a magical fairy land or nothing has happened in the intervening time that's totally sucked, but that focusing on working towards the positive really helped me from becoming completely and totally depressed.

One thing that specifically really helped me get focused on what I *could* do to make my life a happier one was to write down my intentions. I wrote down totally honest lists of my immediate goals and my goals for ten years from now and it really, really helped me a lot to put my energy specifically towards those things rather than feeling unfocused and helpless.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:19 PM on August 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I am so sorry to hear about your tough times- you have been through a lot. My post-divorce (and other woes) was helped by several things including exercise - I *hated* exercise before but now that I am in the habit it makes me feel so much better.

Do you have a pet? Could you get one? preferably one that can be a bit cranky? When PointyCat first came to live with me there were so many times I was just awfully, horribly depressed but then PC persistently demanded more food, or wanted to go "outside" (enclosed deck), or wanted to play (with my extremities, usually) or whatever. Dealing with him and his sharp little teeths would often get me out of the bad headspace. He saved my sanity.
posted by pointystick at 12:28 PM on August 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ok, I hate to do this but this all reminded me a song we sometimes sing in church. I don't know your religious-ness, but the underlying idea of the song has merit.

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

So, if you don't believe in God and whatnot, I think focusing on the good that has happened has a lot of power.

You've had some terribly sucky things happen to you. But amid all that turmoil and crap, were there little things that were nice and good?

For some reason it's so easy to focus on the crappy stuff (and maybe it's easy to focus on because those are some doozies). But, all along the way there have been good things too. You need to find those good things and focus on them. And they can be simple little things - like you had delicious jelly on your toast today.

We often think that the bad that happens needs to be balanced by the good - but that's not always the case and not a guarantee in life. Lots of us are burdened with a really crappy lousy life with only minimal "good" stuff happening. It is what it is.

One of my favorite quotes that puts this all into perspective is this:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey … delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Whether you believe in God or not - please be comforted that you're not the only one that has a difficult time. We're all in this together. Maybe with that thought it mind, you can go lift someone else's spirits and that will in turn lift yours - or at least give you something to do take your mind off the tragedies that have befallen you.

Good things are in store for you, but they might not be on the grand scale you are looking for. Take note of the little good things. They are there.
posted by Sassyfras at 12:37 PM on August 8, 2008

I went through a phase very much like this, and lord, it sucked.

Antidepressants, exercise, and trying to focus on the day and my work within individual days helped a lot--i.e.: Do the dishes. Go to work. Take it seriously. Look nice. Cook good food. Take baths. Read good books. Deal with whatever comes up when you have to, but try not to deal with 'maybes' and hypothetical worries--try to focus on minutes, not months.

And know that it will these things will pass and be replaced in time by things that bring you joy and the universe will balance itself out.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:55 PM on August 8, 2008

Give up.

By this, I don't mean drop out of life or however you may interpret that statement. I mean give up the struggle. Stop and look directly at your anger, your fear, your anxiety and see them for what they are - feelings with no inherent power of their own. You do not have to give into them. By trying to push these things out of your mind, they just gain more prominence. Look directly at the feelings. Not why you're afraid or angry or anxious, but the feelings themselves. You may find, as I did, that they will start to dissapate under your gaze.

I am not discounting all the difficult things you have gone through. But while you have very little control over many of life's circumstances, you have complete control over how they affect you.

I had to learn a bit of simple meditation. I had to accept that at that moment, my life was painful and hard and that I was suffering. I had to get to the point where I was sick of fighting it - it was exhausting. I stopped the struggle and accepted that I was where I was and that was all there was to it. I could do certain tangible things to help myself (write a budget, go to work every day, do my best while I was there etc - whatever solutions may apply to your specific problems) and beyond that, nothing. I had to just do the best I could in my day to day living and let the rest go. Seriously, I just felt battered from life and I didn't care anymore. I was like - bring it on! Dump all the shit you want on me, you can't hurt me any more than I already am! It was in this letting go that I started to treat myself with more tenderness and that is where my healing began.

In a nontheistic state of mind, abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning. You could even put "Abandon hope" on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like "Every day is every way I'm getting better and better."

Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can't simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what's going on, but that there ís something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.

Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That ís the compassionate thing to do. Thatís the brave thing to do. We could smell that piece of shit. We could feel it; what is its texture, color, and shape?

We can explore the nature of that piece of shit. We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarrassment and not believe there ís something wrong with that. We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better "me" who one day will emerge. We can't just jump over ourselves as if we were not there. It's better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.

The above is an excerpt from the Pema Chondron book When Things Fall Apart. It is a powerful book and one that helped me immensly on my journey. It isn't an easy journey, it can seem almost overwhelming, but just remember that this does not need to overwhelem you. You have what you need to get through it, even though it may not seem like that at the moment. Another person who's readings have helped me is Matthieu Ricard, who's wonderful book Happiness has the following quote:

It is only once the tides of passion have receded that we come to see how biased our vision of things has been. It is only then that we are surprised to find how our emotions have manipulated and led us into error.

We should never underestimate the power of the mind to create and crystallize worlds of hatred, greed, jealousy, euphoria or despair.

You will experience pain in life. You will feel overwhelemed. You will come out on the other side of this and you will be a richer and better person for it. Remember this.

Good luck.
posted by triggerfinger at 1:06 PM on August 8, 2008 [13 favorites]

who's = whose
posted by triggerfinger at 1:16 PM on August 8, 2008

This will echo some of what was already said above, but, if you are most concerned about the day-to-day, do you take time in your week to do something that makes you feel happy?

For me, those things are swing dancing and power yoga. I spend probably 10 hours and 6 hours on each of those each week, respectively. I mention those numbers not to set a bar you need to meet but to just emphasize that I make them a priority, right up there with sleeping and eating and working. I have learned that it is so important to your mental well-being to spend time on things that you enjoy.

With both of these things, I had a little joy right from the start - I liked them, I felt good that I was getting out and pursuing an interest, and with swing I started to meet fun people. So if you don't have anything that you do that you really look forward to doing, I think you could decide to try something and experience some benefits right off the bat.

After months of sticking with each activity, I started to experience another level of joy and contentment, and the activity (and my involvement in it) really became part of my identity. So now I have these things that help me identify who I am (I am a swing dancer. I am a yogi.) and they are positive things. And they are positive because I choose to do them primarily because they bring me joy. If I stop enjoying them at some point, then I will stop doing it.

I think that if you don't already do it, allowing yourself spend time on something that is purely for the joy of it could help you a bit. It will remind your mind that even when some things in your life are going badly, there are other things that still make you feel good. And that might help you to remember that you have the capacity to feel good and be happy, which may lessen your anxiety. And it may also help you to focus on the current journey you are on, instead of expecting that things are going to be 100% crappy until you're done with these situations. Instead, maybe you could think about it from the angle that you are in the middle of some big difficulties and they are going to not be resolved very quickly, so you are trying to make the best of the situation instead of waiting until the resolution before having any fun again.

But if you read all of what I just wrote and it just seems either too difficult to consider, or if you are already doing that and it isn't helping your general mood, or if I'm totally off the mark, I recommend seeing a counselor to help with your feelings. (Not just a psychiatrist and meds.) Someone who will give you regular sessions of listening to your fears can hear your concerns and help you practice techniques to lower your anxiety. Perhaps also try to think of situations that are *worse* than yours, and then think of the positives you do have in your life, and try to focus on feeling grateful for what you *do* have?

Good luck!
posted by inatizzy at 1:40 PM on August 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

At the end of every day, write down three positive or good things that happened that day. Try not to be generic ("the sun rose") but remember they needn't be huge things either and they need not necessarily be things that happened to you. If you witness a stranger being randomly kind or helpful to another stranger, that's a positive thing that happened that day. Because you're watching for the good things, you'll start noticing more of them and then you'll start expecting them again.
posted by crush-onastick at 2:19 PM on August 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Good things do happen to you, every single day.

For some reason, however, we find it so much easier to give extra meaning to the bad things and we discount the good.

Lots of good advice above. Just take the time to recognize and value the good things in your life, no matter how small.

Good grief, you survived! That should put a smile on your face every morning. I could easily imagine someone in your position saying to herself, "Wow, because I survived I get to experience this new thing" even when that is a lawsuit.
posted by trinity8-director at 2:20 PM on August 8, 2008

Advice overload. Anyway, just remember one thing: you control how you feel and how you think. Practice fighting negative thoughts and encouraging positive thoughts. It's YOUR mind!
posted by parallax7d at 2:21 PM on August 8, 2008

I've had panic and generalized anxiety disorder, and what happens is your nervous system is always on the alert, as you mentioned. You have to now retrain it with the help of meds & your shrink, that's one piece of the equation. Are you doing talk therapy too? That's successful for a lot of people when they realize the pills take the edge off but don't solve the problems.

You should really discuss the constant low level anxiety w/your doc but this is also what worked for me. If I slack, I feel like crap:

- Exercise. Anything. Cleaning the house, riding a bike, dancing to music in your living room, taking a walk. Aim for a minimum of 20 minutes a day. Mornings will keep you going. Make it something you can accomplish so you won't avoid it (i.e., don't try to run a marathon at first).

- Rest. If I get overtired or push myself, my nervous system gets strained. In bed when I'm tired and up when I'm awake instead of lying there thinking. If I get 7 to 7.5 hours of sleep, I'm good. If not, I aim for a 20 minute nap midday.

- Cut back or eliminate caffeine, smoking and booze if you do any of those. Easier said than done, but I don't do caffeine after noon or make more coffee once my 3 cups is gone.

- A good B vitamin complex. I take one with antioxidants mixed in. I also take D when it's cloudy and magnesium for tense muscles.

- Find an outlet. For me it's writing and cooking. Even if our budget gets tight, I can still spend a good few hours thinking up and cooking some amazing mung bean curry soup. Yours can be anything, but things like working with clay or making bread can be great for relieving stress.

- Jokes. You can actually retrain the way you think. It takes about 3-4 weeks and yeah, a bad event (like being sued, yikes, sorry about that), that can trigger anxiety and the feeling that God is out to get you. Laughing breaks it up and is good for you!

- Cut people who are stressing you out out of your life as much as possible. When I got rid of my negative ex, I lost 160 pounds of stress as well. At the time it sucked but I was a lot better off without the constant negativity and stress the relationship was putting on me. I spent a couple years in transition, up and down and mostly down.

- Journal your thoughts and get them out of your head. You can delete it all later, the point is to spew in private and clear your head. Stop after 20 minutes so you don't spiral into a depression and do something happy afterward, like a nice bubble bath or a walk in the park.

Be kind to yourself, you can't function if you don't take care of yourself above others.

BTW, my husband had a tumor last year, surgery to remove it, 2 hip replacements due to arthritis a few years before that and half his thyroid removed due to a huge goiter that sprung up. The same year, his dog and two cats died. We set up a payment plan w/the hospital and often the states have programs to help you, especially if you are out of a job (sometimes they will cover at least part of the bill so find out before you say no). Sometimes you gotta pay $20 a month for a while until you get back on your feet - the hospital will hopefully work with you on this. Also, your insurance company should be going to bat for you for a car accident claim (I think?) but don't take my word for it.

I've been through a lot of crap too, and my mantra is "The Universe is unfolding as it should." I try to picture myself as the calm person in the center of chaos, do what I can and don't stress over the rest. That and I collect funky looking toys and scatter them around the place. Toys make it all better.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:33 PM on August 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Oh sweet Christ I just want to hug you.

I would say...think small. You've had a lot of big crap things happen -- drop out for a little while and pursue small things. Really, really simple things. Maybe just taking the time to make yourself one really nice meal. Or really cleaning the bathroom really well. Or finding a book you read when you were eight and you liked and you're thinking of it now and thinking, "yeah, I haven't read that in years, that may be fun." Or a movie -- watch it, rent it, whatever you can handle and your current energy/finances will permit. Doesn't matter -- it'll still be a movie. Make events out of stuff at home -- if you can't afford to go to a theater and all you're going to be able to do is rent something from the library and sit at home alone watching it, well, play a bit -- make yourself popcorn, dress up and pretend you're on the red carpet, whatever. It's a small bit of fun you've claimed for yourself, and THAT'S the point.

Collect those things. Do those things. It'll be hard to find them at first, because you've got some worry hanging over you, but if you still do that, then you can slowly convince yourself that "hey, I still managed to make myself jambalaya even with this lawsuit looming over me and IT WAS GOOD, dammit!" That kind of thing tends to be very grounding for me -- all sorts of other stuff can be going on, but if I take the time to really consciously do one small thing for myself, it makes me remember that, see, this? This is a good thing, and I can get good things too.

The more small good moments you get, the more they'll pile up into more good, and you'll start seeing more opportunities for good moments; keep slowly taking them.

I would also say finding a journal to write down all the bad stuff may be a good thing -- I find that writing things down, it almost feels like I'm transferring the worry from my head to the page, and when it's not in my head any more I can close the book and leave it. It's not a permanent "oh I am never worried again" fix, but it stops you from chewing on it.

but small steps. Small comforting things. They grow.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:35 PM on August 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I haven't been through as much as you have, but what (sometimes) works for me on darker days is reading nineteenth-century novels-- really grim ones (Bleak House, David Copperfield, and much of Dickens come to mind; also Adam Bede and most of Hardy) where people are starving/being thrown into dank prisons/dealing with unshakeable guilt for horrible crimes they've committed/losing all their property/catching terrible illnesses that leave them disfigured for life/etc. , Spend some time thinking about just how much more life could suck, and has sucked for other people, and one's own troubles pale by comparison, I think-- and novels drive that home in a way simple contemplation can't.
posted by Bardolph at 2:36 PM on August 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Find things everyday that make you laugh your ass off.
posted by Xurando at 2:58 PM on August 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

You want to read this book: Nothing To Fall Back On. Betsy Carter had years where she had nothing but shit falling on her head, just like you. I actually wrote a list of all of her disasters and keep it in my Palm to remind me that it could always be worse. (I don't recommend you do this, 'cause your list is about as bad as hers.)

It's sadly not online, but if you can dig up a copy of the June 2008 O Magazine (I think that was it, I spotted it in an airport in June!), there was an article in it by Betsy talking about how do you STOP expecting disaster to hit around every corner.

Also, some periods of life, you're just gonna be a freaking chaos magnet. It will wear off....eventually. Even for Betsy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:08 PM on August 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

In the past few years I've been through a divorce, taking on £25,000 ($50,000) debt as a result, a major surgery, the death of my fiance, then the discovery and eventual removal of a breast tumour. I thought nothing good would ever happen to me again.

For a while after he died I kept my life very small. I didn't go out much, apart from work. Hardly anything socially. I lived as risk-free as I could for the best part of 18 months. Then I started to come out of the black hole, extend my boundaries a little further, then a little more than that, until I rejoined the human race.

I didn't expect disaster at every turn, I just didn't expect anything good to happen to me ever again, as if I'd somehow used up my quota of life's good things. But it's my experience that if I try to limit the extent of the emotional pain or harm that could be caused to me, to seal myself off from feeling pain, then I can't feel joy either.

Once I allowed myself to be vulnerable to hurt or pain, I found that the opposite happened, and I found myself enjoying life. And good things began to happen to me again.

Please don't limit the extent to which you allow yourself to participate in life through fear of bad things happening. It would have been very easy for me to stay in the rut I'd carved out for myself in my tiny little life after George died, because it was safe and comforting. But by stepping out of that comfort zone I found joy again.
posted by essexjan at 5:08 PM on August 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Good things are in store for you and all your problems will work out ok.
posted by staggernation at 5:22 PM on August 8, 2008

Read Notes from a friend- by Anthony Robbins . It will make you feel great again for many years.

z
posted by zulo at 4:20 AM on August 9, 2008

I never really understood why my mother (who is clinically depressed) would sit around and read about the Holocaust, since in my mind, this would only serve to make her more depressed. That is until I went through something that rocked my world beyond beyond and I could not stop crying and feeling crappy about myself. She gave me a book about concentration camps and it took me about 5 minutes for me to understand why she read them constantly. To read about the extreme suffering of others helped me gain perspective, much moreso than all other suggestions to "enjoy the little things" (which I didn't feel I could).

Combining that with dancing my heart out (a passion) and finally "enjoying the little things", I was able to get out from underneath those suffocating and immobilizing feelings.

Good luck with this, hon, and keep your chin up.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 1:13 PM on August 9, 2008

Lord Almighty. If I had been through as much as you have, my sense of optimism would be MIA too, but you've survived. The amount of strength that must have taken! Bear in mind that that strength is still there- you can draw on it for this, too.

One thing that has helped me through rough periods was taking a lot of long walks. If you have a decent park or scenic area near you, put on some decent shoes and head out.

It's a combination of the air, the change of scene and the sense of quiet. (The last part might take a while to really penetrate, but give it a chance.) When I started, my mind would be abuzz with all the problems I was facing, but after a while, I was able to silence those thoughts and just enjoy the walk. Music and people watching optional.

Good luck, Anon. I really hope things will work out for you.
posted by psychostorm at 1:45 AM on August 11, 2008