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I love asian girls
August 1, 2008 9:18 AM   Subscribe

I love asian girls, and I feel guilty about it. How do I reconcile my sense of absolute non-discrimination with my preference for a certain type of people?

When I was about 7 years old, I saw the first asian girl in my life. She was lovely, like a little angel, and I fell instantly in love with that girl. In my teens, I still was in love with her, but was never able to openly tell her. I left town, and a few years later, I heard she got sick and died.

Ever since I left town, I always preferred women of asian origin to every other race of woman. To be more specific, I like the korean look with the exaggerated slanting eyes, fair skin and angular face, even though the girl I was in love with earlier was filipino, and looked nothing like my current preference.

I'm 27 now, and I've dated women of all colors and many many countries, but the ones I still think about today have been from Indonesia, Filipines, China and Mongolia. I never had the opportunity to meet a Korean or Japanese girl.

When I'm walking on the street and I see pretty asian girls, my heart beats faster and I wish I could walk up to them and talk to them.

But at the same time, I think of all the other women around me, and I feel bad. I feel as if I am just looking at the outside of a person, and I am very strongly against any form of discrimination, being of mixed racial origin myself.

What's the right thing here? Should I go into therapy to cure myself of this preference for asian women? Should I just accept that this is the way I am, and simply chase after asian women only? Both solutions seem wrong, and this problem is chewing me up, particularly at this stage in my life when I am thinking seriously about relationships and who I am in that respect.
posted by ChabonJabon to Human Relations (41 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Should I go into therapy to cure myself of this preference for asian women?

Massage therapy?

Don't feel guilty about finding certain types of people physically attractive. Romance isn't equal-opportunity, it's necessarily a personal subjective choice. If your actions treat everyone with due respect you are not being discriminatory.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:33 AM on August 1, 2008 [12 favorites]


We all have physical preferences when it comes to attraction, and I don't think there's anything abnormal or wrong about it. It seems yours borders on a fetish, but it's only troublesome insofar as it's causing you anguish.

You seem convinced that Ms. Right has to be Asian, and thus you are limiting yourself to a subset of the population (depending on where you live). If you are comfortable with limiting yourself, then by all means, go for it. There must be some other reason you are attracted to specific Asian women other than their appearance (she's funny, she's smart, she likes the same music). I mean, you're not so stupid as to say "I'm only dating you because you're Korean." However, I'm betting that if you met Ms. Right, who had all the qualities you are looking for, that you wouldn't care if she was Asian or not.

I like the look of men who are a difference race than me, but when I was single I didn't meet any for whom there was a mutual attraction deeper than the physical. I'm now with a guy who's the same race as me, and I definitely don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, because he's perfect for me.
posted by desjardins at 9:35 AM on August 1, 2008


You're beating yourself up over nothing.

If you're straight, there's no reason to think there's something wrong with you because you don't like people of the same sex. Gay people shouldn't beat themselves up for not being straight. And that's a broader issue of discriminating against entire genders.

Choosing to date women of a particular ethnicity is only "discriminating" in the sense that you might "discriminate" against merlot in favor of cabernet. It doesn't say anything about your standing as a decent person (assuming its not driven by some kid of deep-seated disdain for another ethnicity, but given your mixed-race heritage and obvious concern for the issue, that doesn't seem to be the case here).

I have always found Asian women particularly attractive myself, so much so that my friends and family used to tease me (lovingly) about it. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you like and chasing after it. I strongly doubt that the entire population of non-Asian women is losing any sleep over your personal preferences.

Quit worrying so much and move to Seoul already ;)
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:36 AM on August 1, 2008


You have a type. There's nothing wrong with that. Yes, you're dismissing the non-Asian women around you, but it isn't like you're repulsed by them (are you?, if so you should probably get help for that). I don't think it is discrimination you don't date blonde Swedish girls. If you don't think they are suitable to date because they are inferior to you, then you're being discriminatory.

I like Latinas. Ever since my first crush on a Mexicana when I was a little kid. But pretty girls of all ethnicities catch my eye. Maybe it was my white bread town I grew up in, but I do find carmel colored women more attractive than the stereotypical American white girl.
posted by birdherder at 9:37 AM on August 1, 2008


I'm curious why thearpy is now an option when it wasn't before. What has changed in this last month that has changed your views on the relationships in your life?

There are plenty of people with preferences in life and, amazingly enough, the racial makeup of someone can also be a preference. However, since race is a social concept and we live in a supposed enlighted environment, your preference does have social consquences.

Asian girls are neat. Some are pretty, some aren't. Some are smart, some aren't. Some will laugh at all your dumb jokes and others will think you're extremely weird. East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 puts it well : romance isn't equal opportunity and it doesn't have to be. The trick, though, is separating how you deal with people in romantic situations and with people in non-romantic situations. If you are favoring Asian girls in all situations, then your preferences have started to impacted your ability to be, to the best of you ability, non-discriminatory towards all people. You can work on that and change that behavior. Otherwise, let me just say that it's okay to like Asian girls.
posted by Stynxno at 9:37 AM on August 1, 2008 [3 favorites]


If you try to "cure" your preferences you will probably not end up a happy man.

Nature/nurture (or whatever) makes some people like people of the same sex, some shoes, and some to dress up as anamorphic bunnies. Trying to figure out what makes it click is difficult at best. Fighting these urges is plain dumb. Seems like maybe you are further ahead of the game in that you have an idea where this preference came from. And no, I am not trying to say this is a fetish. You like what you like.

When it comes to picking a mate, I think you do want to discriminate. Find someone that has as many of the qualities you see as ideal and run with it. This includes looks, race, brains, and even income (your list can vary).

This isn't a job; you're not keeping other women down by having a preference for asians.

I think you've over-corrected on the non-discrimination thing.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:39 AM on August 1, 2008


By the way, your ruling out a potential partner because of her race does not constitute discrimination in the way that you think it does. Your rejection doesn't mean that you don't like that race or you think that race is inferior or whatever. You're not hiring her for a job. She doesn't have some constitutional right to date you. In addition, she will never know why she's been ruled out, just as you'd never know if someone didn't want to date you because you're too tall, too much into sports, or because you're mixed.
posted by desjardins at 9:40 AM on August 1, 2008


Argh. I forgot to mention something.

Now, in the US, there is a culture of fetishizing Asian women to the point of absurdity. If you've ever spent 5 minutes on the internet, you will know what I mean. There is an attitude where Asian women stop being women and start being objects. This can happen to any ethnic or racial group but american men (and I'm assuming you're american) + asian girl is also a stereotype that is prepetuated throughout the mass media as something normal and special. This, in itself, can be discriminating because it reduces the individual to a mere trophy and a fantasy. And when an individual is reduced to merely a fantasy in your mind, it is much easier to not only discriminate against that individual (when the fantasy doesn't live up to expectations) but also discriminate against others who will never match that fantasy. It is okay to be attracted to a specific ethnicity just as it's okay to be attracted to women who wear glasses or whatever. However, it is not okay to be exclusionary of all women who do not fit the fantasy existing in your head. When this happens, you have separate-but-equal fallacies showing up everywhere.

Now, everyone is a product of their culture so your preferences can easily be influenced and shaped by your environment (we're social creatures afterall) but, as I mentioned earlier, as long as you're able to be non-discriminatory to women of all ethnicities (and dating all women is not the same as being non-discriminatory), then you are okay. If, however, you are not behaving in this way, then something needs to change.
posted by Stynxno at 9:47 AM on August 1, 2008 [9 favorites]


Nthing what's already been said; this is simply a specific sort of preference for a body type. Your "type" just happens to linclude a certain sort of hair AND a certain sort of skin AND such and such. Nothing wrong with that.

Now, don't be surprised if you suddenly fall for a short German woman. Love often comes from unexpected corners. When I met my wife, her "type" was skinny heroin-chic emo boys. I'm a 6'1", 280-pound viking metal head. 14 years later, she has discovered (much to her surprise) that vikings now catch her eye more than the skinny boys do.
posted by DWRoelands at 9:50 AM on August 1, 2008


Wow, your backstory for trying to reason why you dig Asian chicks sound SO familiar. No but seriously, I really don't get what your backstory has to do with anything. It sounds more like you're just trying to reason yourself into thinking your singular-minded attraction is OK with a bit of romance. You even admit you're particularly into chicks who look a certain way that does not at all remind you of this girl you used to be infatuated with. And don't give that tenuous "Well she's Asian and Koreans and Chinese are Asians too so it makes sense, right?" because no, no it doesn't. Asians look VASTLY different. In fact it lessens your argument that you're liking a wide range, and specifically, a disparate looking ethnicity of Asians because it shows your hang up on "Asian" as a label is just for that labels sake.

You're the same guy who asked this question right? Are you having this previously mentioned issue with Asian women at all or the women you date who are non-Asian (though wow, looking back at that classy title you chose for your question maybe it's trouble you're having with Asian women?)? Maybe your problem is you're putting the superficial up on a pedestal. And before people jump in all "oh, but there's preferences. It's like liking blue eyes or red hair," look, I know people have certain things they like to see or find pleasing to the eyes, but it's one thing to have likes, it's another to fetishize. And I don't just mean about this whole 'I dig Asian chicks' some guys seem to be into. If you like black hair or freckles, whatever, but reducing a person to said preferences is another. That's not respectful. Especially your catchall "Asians" bit is mildly grating for a reason I can't put my finger on, except that again, as I pointed out above, it's so generalizing (Yea, you dig Korean and Chinese features more, but still you seem to put a high premium on Asians in general above others, which kind of makes you a labelwhore in the ethnicity department). I mean do you get to know these girls? Already you've previously hinted at having issues connecting with women once you've broken down their mystique. I'd say before you tackle this "problem" of yours, you should first look into your whole relationship issue because it seems like it's tied into that. You seem to have some kind of idealizing/distancing/unrealistic expectations when it comes to women in general.

Oh, and protip about dating Asian women. Yea, they deal with guys like this all the time and have to weed through the Asian girl lovers club members. They can kind of spot one a mile away. If you really dig Asian women I'd probably try not to mention that or your childhood tale of unrequited love. In fact I wouldn't mention that unrequited love story to ANY woman at all because no one wants to live up to be the "replacement" or yet another attempt in a long line of trying to recreate a ghost from the past, Asian or not.
posted by kkokkodalk at 9:56 AM on August 1, 2008 [37 favorites]


It's not a problem, if it is a preference. He likes blondes, she likes men with stubble and big biceps, someone else likes BBW's. But when it goes past a preference and becomes a creepy fixation (where you are seeing that attribute at the expense of seeing them as an individual), you might have a problem.

I think many of us have known the creepy guy with a serious "yellow fever" fixation, and trust me, you don't want to be him.

Like Stynxno says, there is a lot of baggage with the American guy/Asian woman thing, not all of it savory. But then you mention that you are mixed race, and may not even be American, so whether that baggage has any relevance to you I don't know. My point is that there is is a context within which your preference is going to be read, and you should make sure that either you are comfortable with that context, or that you have found a way to separate yourself from it.

So yeah, buy yourself a ticket over and have a great time. Meet people as individuals, not as exemplars of their race or nationality. Just stay at least half a step away from being a full-blown creep, while looking for someone who fetishizes your type as much as you fetishize her's.
posted by Forktine at 10:02 AM on August 1, 2008


You're not responsible for what your dick likes. I like men, but among men maybe 5% actually turn my crank. It doesn't mean I'm "discriminatory."

Be nice to people you're not sexually attracted to, male and female, and pursue/fuck (AND be nice to) the people you ARE attracted to. That's being a good human.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 10:11 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


The glands that are in charge of reproduction don't have a concept of discrimination. (wow maybe more than one truth in that sentence).

Anyway, don't attack the parts of you not associated with thinking or morals for doing what they are designed to do. Just date whomever makes you happy.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:14 AM on August 1, 2008


I going to go against the grain and say that ruling out a potential partner because of race CAN be potentially harmful.

Race is pretty much skin deep. It's just one aspect of one's being. I know race and culture is closely related, but that's not always the case. It is entirely possible to find someone from each race that you can relate to well enough to date. To rule out someone simply because of race, you can miss out on a lot.

I don't think this is worth going into therapy, but something to examine your motives over.

Are you going by stereotypes? (I.E. Asian women are petite, feminine, and submissive.)
Do you just relate to Asian women easier?
Do you have heavy exposure to women of different races, besides Asian? Were those experiences positive?
posted by sixcolors at 10:15 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Reminds me of this QC strip. If that helps.
posted by katrielalex at 10:20 AM on August 1, 2008


reduces the individual to a mere trophy and a fantasy

I know this is the only aspect of 'yellow fever' that my Asian significant other brings up as being problematic. Being attracted to a skin tone or body type is one thing, but exoticizing is another. Especially if there's associated stereotypes like passivity or subservience attached, as in the case of the 'creepy guy' already mentioned.
posted by Adam_S at 10:20 AM on August 1, 2008


Like everyone else has said, there's nothing wrong with having preferences for a certain physical type. But you do sound like you have a fetish, which may come across as a little creepy.
posted by ambulatorybird at 10:26 AM on August 1, 2008


I love asian girls, and I feel guilty about it. How do I reconcile my sense of absolute non-discrimination with my preference for a certain type of people?

Try this:
I love women, and I feel guilty about it. How do I reconcile my sense of absolute non-discrimination with my preference for a certain gender? Should I start having sex with men even if I'm straight because I don't want to discriminate against males?
You know, one thing is to give everyone the respect they deserve and they have the right to. But following one's desire is entirely another. Attraction is attraction, it's not rational, and it's a beautiful thing. Unless your attraction comes with racist overtones -- like, "black girls EEEW", or "come here my little nasty geisha!!!" -- what's wrong with it? You have a strong liking to a certain body type / look, God bless you. It's all good.
posted by matteo at 10:30 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


So you have a preference, what's the big deal? Date whoever you're attracted to.
posted by junesix at 10:36 AM on August 1, 2008


Liking girls because they're Asian is being superficial. There's also nothing really wrong with it as long as you're happy, you treat people as people, and you don't carry over the yellow fever to, I don't know, hiring preferences.

Many people have "types," some obvious, some not. Yours is fairly obvious, but again, as long as it's not making your life or the lives of others worse, it's not a problem. On the other hand, if it is a problem...

Incidentally, your backstory sounds like it may have a lot to do with your previous question. Early romantic impulse applied to an inaccessible, exotic girl to whom you spoke little, who passed away before her time...that'll do a number on you. Sorry to hear it.

Either way, "it's only a problem if it's a problem."
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:39 AM on August 1, 2008


I hear you. I love asian women. It doesn't mean I don't respect other women.

If you read a lot of these Askme or Mefi threads, it's probably causing that guilt.

In my case, I almost began to feel guilty for not being attracted to overweight women.
posted by Zambrano at 10:44 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


It's just what you're into. So, what? I like guys with long pointy noses. I tell most people it's because I like sharp angles, but it's really because I find evil villains sexy, and they often have pointy noses, too. So, should I feel guilty for not liking the hero? Nah. Because as long as I'm not helping the bad guy build his death ray, nobody's getting hurt.
posted by katillathehun at 11:12 AM on August 1, 2008


I was going to chime in with more "preferences are preferences. Don't worry about them" stuff, but after reading your last question, I have to agree with everything kkokkodalk said. Seriously, you have a ton of unrealistic criteria, not only eliminating partners due to race but lack of money or their having slept with you or whether they want to hold your hand. It's time that you let all of these go and start getting to know people as, you know, people.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:21 AM on August 1, 2008 [5 favorites]


Marry one. That way you'll either confirm your taste or get it out of your system.
posted by londongeezer at 11:23 AM on August 1, 2008


Marry one. That way you'll either confirm your taste or get it out of your system.

I don't think marriage is supposed to serve as a sampler platter.
posted by katillathehun at 11:29 AM on August 1, 2008 [6 favorites]


As long as you're still respecting women of all races, there's nothing to worry about. But if it comes down to "I'm not attracted to you because you're white," that's out of the line. I like tall Caucasians. But I still respect my Arabian friend, my Chinese friends, my Mexican friends. It just so happens that I know more white people and hung out with white people, so maybe that's where my preference comes from.

That said, just go with your feelings, but don't think about race at the same time. Rather than thinking about "What color is her skin?", think "What's so special about her manners/intelligence/interests?" Think beneath the skin. I'm not saying that "oh, don't date just Asian girls." I'm saying that soon you'll find someone who clicks with you and you won't give a crap about her race. She might be blonde, she might be Mexican, she might be Chinese... but you wouldn't care when both of you are warm and human ^_^.
posted by curagea at 11:31 AM on August 1, 2008


Well, it sure wouldn't hurt for you to do some culturally aware self-examination. We are products of our environments, after all. This book, Romance and the Yellow Peril, is a good place to start. If the physical traits you find attractive are related to a subconscious association with actually unrelated personality traits, as produced by >50 years of bias in mass media, say, that can be hurtful to the people affected, at an individual and a cultural level.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:32 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yup, listen to kkokkodalk. She nails it, and is nice about it too.

Also apropos is this response from three blind mice, in response to your previous question. Just add "Asian" in front of "woman" in the answer:

ChabonJabon, dude, you're missing the point entirely. A man does not fall in love with a woman or vice versa; one person falls in love with another person. Full stop.

As for your question about therapy, sure, go for it. Not necessarily because of your "preference," but because unless you learn to look beyond the superficial and the skin-deep, it'll be hard to find happiness.
posted by jujube at 11:54 AM on August 1, 2008 [2 favorites]


Nthing a lot of what was said above. Back when I was in college and law school, I was involved in both GLBT activism and federal Indian Law. Through doing this, I ended up spending a lot of time networking with (and being educated by) critical race theory and social justice types. During those years I saw a few documentaries about so-called "yellow fever," or erotic fixation on Asian women. (I wish I could remember some titles for you.)

What I got from the documentaries (and from the people I talked worked with) was that this kind of erotic preference was only really a problem if it was attached to sterotypes about what Asian women are supposed to be as human beings. The film vignette I remember best was about a guy who fell in love with a gal who waited on him (in a kimono and hair sticks) at sushi restaurant with kneel-down seating. They bonded while she poured his tea. But then later, when he saw her on the street dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans, instead of being friendly to her, he asked where her kimono was and told her that she looked so much better in traditional garb-- "just like a little doll," is how it was put, I believe.

You don't sound like you're into Asian women because of some kind of bent-backward Geisha fantasy. You sound like you're into them for formal reasons-- eye shape, skin tone, etc. There's no reason to feel bad about that. My husband likes women with dark hair and large, dark eyes. As a Latina, I fit that bill. There's nothing racist, exoticizing, or exploitative about the fact that years ago, he chose to walk up to me and strike up a conversation instead of approaching a blue-eyed redhead. We all have our preferences.

Just remember that life, especially romantic life, exists to confound us. It's definitely okay IMO for your heart to beat a little more strongly for women who look a certain way, and it's not like anyone's going to file a civil rights suit against you for not pursuing women of all phenotypes equally. But don't be too suprised if you find one day that the woman whose opinion you respect most, who makes you laugh hardest, and who you text before anyone else when you have good news, turns out to be a wide-eyed, moon-faced babe from Ghana.

I do, however, think it's a very good thing that you've noticed this about yourself, and that you're taking time to examine and dissect it, and to ask for advice. Race is a bizarre and thorny issue, and many of us (most of us, maybe all of us) have opinions, axieties, fixations, and fears about it that have the potential to do damage to ourselves or others if left unchecked. If you want to think more about these kinds of issues, I recommed a documentary called The Color of Fear. Its about a group of men of different ethnicities coming together to confront their own racism and the racism of others. I have, quite frankly, never seen a better film on the subject.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:45 PM on August 1, 2008 [5 favorites]


As someone who has the exact opposite problem, I don't think that what you're going through should be a source of guilt. I like Asian women just fine, count several among my friends, but in my mind, they're relegated to the "dude" section.


Now that I think about it, however, I could probably use some therapy behind this, as I'm Eurasian, my mother is Asian, and Asian/Caucasian couples annoy the piss out of me just by their existence. Sigh... I guess I'll add that to the list.
posted by Debaser626 at 12:53 PM on August 1, 2008


Based on this question and the previous question (with a title that coincidentally references a line popular with Asian fetishists), I think you should definitely back away from all women for a while. Don't pursue sexual relations with them until you can be friends with them and easily view them as people rather than elusive objects of pursuit. Therapy would help in general, I think.
posted by ignignokt at 1:05 PM on August 1, 2008


As others have said, we all have our preferences regarding looks. The most important thing is to consider if you prefer the look of Asian women because of any race-based stereotypes---since you are thinking about this, I assume you know what they are already.
posted by lacedback at 1:08 PM on August 1, 2008


Agreeing with everyone else really. There's nothing particularly evil or wrong about liking Asian women, it's more how that ties in with your attitude to Asian people and women in general. A great deal of Western guys have tunnel vision when it comes to Asian women, tying in their "exotic good looks" with the old clunker of a line about how "they are all submissive", putting them up on pedestals while completely ignoring anything that involves them as actual human beings. Not to mention that subset of Western men that like to import vulnerable Asian women like they are bits of meat to set them up in their homes as legal sex slaves.

You don't come across like that at all. All you have is a preference that was kicked off by an Asian girl who was special to you. From my perspective - I really like Chinese guys, there's something about them that makes me weak at the knees, and I would do silly things for any good looking Chinese guy that passed me by. But I've dated white guys that have had similar features and personality to the chap I'm marrying. My preference for short dark hair comes from a crush I had when I was 7 years old! I'd hazard a guess that if you look back over time you'll see the same thread connecting all the women that have been special to you, regardless of race. And that's your answer :)

"Asian/Caucasian couples annoy the piss out of me just by their existence"

Debaser626, I reckon you know that's pretty irrational, and I am guessing you don't mean Asian men with white girlfriends. People be who they want to be with, it's not your place to judge them.
posted by saturnine at 1:23 PM on August 1, 2008 [2 favorites]


I don't think your problem is so much a race/ethnicity-based problem as it is a looks-based problem. As those referring to your previous question have noted, there seems to be a little more to this story.

If you are choosing relationships solely on looks (i.e. just because they are of Asian descent), then you have a problem, and you should seek therapy. You need to seek out romantic partners at least as equally based on personality as well.

Asian women come in all flavors; some have cultural relationship expectations that seem ancient or too-traditional. Some are very independent and westernized. Some have immigrate to the U.S. only recently, while some have families in the U.S. that span back for generations.

It's fine to be only physically attracted to Asian women. It's not fine to enter into romantic relationships just because you are physically attracted to them. This merits therapy.

By the way, I think the technical term is Asian Persuasion.
posted by jabberjaw at 1:51 PM on August 1, 2008


Redheads really float my boat. Especially freckled-up redheads. Gawd. It's fun to play dot-to-dot on their skin, etc.

And I like tall women, I think it's just swell to be with a gal that can reach the top shelf, twice in my life I've dated women tall enough to wear the same pants as I do, and of course there were lots of lame jokes about getting into each others pants. Fun.

And I like short women, bitty gals, they sometimes wear these hats that no other woman can wear, and their clothing is so small that it's almost pretend clothing, their hand in mine is just so fine. For whatever reason, these women can break my heart into little aching pieces, I can't stand when they cry -- I can't stand when any woman cries but this is the worst, in my experience -- I stand there stupidly, wishing that I wasn't such a jerkoff, even if what's made them cry wasn't my being a jerkoff; sometimes life happens.

When a particularly tall or short freckled-up redhead shows up on the scene, I'm in very deep shit, I can't say anything right, or anything at all, I shift from one foot to the other, stricken, moaning softly, sweating, scratching myself. I usually have to be led from the scene, sobbing, casting longing looks back over my shaking shoulder. If she has green eyes it's even worse, I'm toast, though blue eyes are death also, of course.

None of this is 'wrong' or 'right' or anything else (though I have to say that it is particularly bothersome to me that I can't communicate, other than grunting and gesticulating stupidly, with tall or short redheded, freckled-up women). It's just that these are the women that really get my heart thumping.

Do I only date these women, do I only love these women? Nope. No way. Life sends who and what it sends -- Marcus Aurelius has a particularly great line which applies: Love nothing but that which comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny. For what could more aptly fit your needs? Isn't that just the best?

So that's my answer, here's the short form: You don't have much choice in the matter, that I can see anyways, in what particular 'type' person floats your boat. But that's optional in any case; it's for you to love those in your life who are worth loving, and if you're lucky they'll be loving you also. Take it as it comes, and if/when you're lucky enough to find love in this thing, and understanding, and compassion, be grateful, as it's the best that life has to offer.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:18 PM on August 1, 2008 [6 favorites]


It's Philippines, not Filipines. For a person that hates spelling/grammar mistakes and women being a bit dumb, you should probably know how to spell the origin countries of the women you are obsessed with.
posted by spec80 at 2:34 PM on August 1, 2008 [3 favorites]


They call themselves Filipino or Pinoy.
posted by konolia at 3:21 PM on August 1, 2008


Two points of view I have heard:

Highly creepy: `I like Asian women, they are so submissive.' (WTF?)
Non creepy : `I like Asian women, I just love black shiny hair'.

I find Asian women attractive. I find Indian women attractive too. Latinas? Oh yes. African? Indeed! Caucasian? Yes!

On a basic level I find that Asian women have features that push more immediate buttons on my `attraction' control panel (those buttons are black hair, eye shape), but it's had no effect on who I go out with. My partner of the last 9 years doesn't fall into many of my categories of preference, but I love her and find her attractive, and it doesn't matter.
posted by tomble at 4:04 PM on August 1, 2008


Question: This Asian thing, does it go beyond features? Are you also attracted to the idea that Asian women may be more submissive, "feminine", willing to be housewives and take care of you--and part of the reason you grow disgusted with them after having sex with them (as per your other question) is because by doing so you destroy that innocent Asian housewife fantasy? Or you find out you haven't found this imaginary submissive Asian dream, but the Asian woman is just like any other woman, with her own thoughts and desires?

Something to think about.
posted by schroedinger at 6:47 PM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


To piggyback on Shroedinger's suggestion, inscrutability and exoticism are both traits conferred on Asian Women by the past 80 years of Western visual culture (hopefully, this is improving) and are both qualities that are struck down and demystified by actual involvement with an individual, possibly resulting in a letdown your other askme seems to suggest you've been coincidentally experiencing with women.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:06 PM on August 1, 2008


First of all--the fact you worry about this means you're not some jerk. Don't beat yourself up over this.

I'm Korean, but only physically (was adopted by age 2, grew up in the States). I've wrestled a lot with this "Asian chicks are hot" attitude, and I've come to a few conclusions for myself personally about it.

I don't have a problem with guys who find the physical features Asians typically have attractive. In fact, I find it flattering, because face it, a lot of the features associated with Asians aren't exactly standard sexpot attributes--slenderness, shortness, dark eyes and hair, modest curves. So it's nice when a guy digs that, not just or even over blonde beach bunny stuff. My current boyfriend is one of these guys, though he doesn't have the Fever; he finds lot of things cute (glasses, curviness, geeky tomboyish clothing style, tan skin, short hair). I don't see how anyone can have a problem with this sort of thing--it's not any different from how I admire when black women have super dark skin and the jewelry they wear absolutely glows against it, or the tall sleek physique some black men and women have. So if you generally find short, dark haired, dark eyed women pretty, it's no wonder you're going to think Asian women are beautiful.

What I DO find offensive are a couple things. I can't stand fratty dudes and creepy older men (we're talking 20 years older) who hit on me like I'm just some exotic foreigner--and hell, I'm not remotely foreign! I kid you not, one guy hit on me once by messaging me and saying "I'm really into Asian porn. If we get together will you moan in that squeaky way those hotties always do?" I've also repeatedly been teased by guys who had just met me about some stereotype of Korean girls being ladies in the streets and freaks between the sheets. But--to me much worse--I especially don't like the subtle equation of Asian female equals innocent and submissive, therefore equals the next best thing to doing it with a kid (you find this creepiness with some of the older business-travel-type men, and it makes you feel contaminated). WTF. I'm not exotic, or submissive, or angelic, or sex-crazed, or otherworldly. This aspect does indeed rankle me.

I also don't like when you get those hyper-maladjusted nerdy dudes (obsessed with current Japanese culture, usually) who think you're going to be the anime sex guide of their dreams.

It definitely sounds like if anything you may be thinking a little like the former example and not the latter. But keep in mind I'm also not your target, so I've got my own issues (it sounds like you are attracted to culturally Asian women--some guys are smart and can figure out right away I'm not one, and some aren't and piss me off because they can't let go of the idea race=cultural background). I don't think this has to be a problem as long as you're getting to know people as people first. It's never going to be attractive or even ok to approach someone making it clear their race and any connotations you have about it are blinding you to their individuality.
posted by ifjuly at 8:33 AM on August 2, 2008 [3 favorites]


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