Clingy like a barnacle.

May 22, 2008 11:23 AM

How can I extract myself from a relationship with an overly-clingy (and engaged) coworker? Whole mess o' details inside.

About a year and a half ago I violated one of my cardinal work rules: Never work with your play friends, never play with your work friends. I started hanging out with a girl from work, outside of work. Bad plan. Things progressed from friends to a good impression of dating (which brought it's own set of headaches at work, most of which have been dealt with), to me moving in with her (even worse plan), to me moving 50 miles away from her. However, we still work at the same company, on the same project(s).

She is insanely needy. She will call me 3 to 4 times a day, and multiple times in a row if I don't answer my phone. When her fiance is not around, she views me as her backup fiance. She is innapropriately affectionate for a friend, and as the result of a few months of loose morals on my part, thinks she still has carte blanche to touch my special bits at will. This bothers me, I keep telling her it bothers me and to knock it off, but she doesn't get the hint. At work, she throws a tantrum if I do not drop everything I'm doing to do something for her. Obviously, that kind of behavior is not professional, but I don't want her making a scene involving me, so I generally give in.

A few weeks ago I told her that I needed some distance from her, and she threw a temper tantrum. I held my ground on it, aided by her being out of the country. However, when she returned, it was back to business as usual, and surprise! I'm getting depressed as a result of my inability to get the hell away from her.

I can't begin to express how much this annoys me, and how much I want to just tell her that I don't want to see her outside of work at all. Any time I even come close to that, she throws a fit, and she has a bad habit of indulging in guilt trips (i.e. how I'm her only close friend) and personal attacks (speculating as to why I'm single). I'm generally fairly immune to those, but she carries them over to work. I am perfectly capable of maintaining an entirely professional relationship with her, and would LOVE for that to be the case, but she doesn't seem to be getting the hint.

So what do I do? I need to hear from her far less often outside of work. I need to be able to work with her at work. I cannot be her backup fiance, if for no other reason that it affects MY dating life. How the hell do I get myself out of this hole I've dug?

posted by moitz to human relations (20 comments total)

She's still getting all this attention from you, so why would she stop?

Just stick to your guns. Don't interact with her socially AT ALL. At work, keep it very strictly professional, even to the point of being overly formal. When she starts in with inappropriate touching or conversation, cut her off, tell her firmly but not-unkindly that you're not going to participate in this groping/conversation, and walk away.

If she makes a scene at work, it'll be embarrassing for you, but far more damaging to her. With any luck, she will only need to test this once, if at all.
posted by desuetude at 11:49 AM on May 22, 2008 [2 favorites]

If she is touching you inappropriately at work, call her out on it--it's sexual harassment. Tell her you will talk to HR if necessary. It's sexual harassment if she's doing outside of work, of course, but at least her job's on the line if you threaten her at work.

Is it possible to discuss this issue with her fiance? How does he feel about her obsession with you?
posted by schroedinger at 11:49 AM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I hate to resort to threats in situations like this... but it seems like she has way more to lose here than you. Tell her you're going to report her to HR if she doesn't stop groping/calling you, and that you'll talk to her fiance as well.

Again, only do this if ignoring/telling her to stop really isn't working.
posted by rooftop secrets at 11:57 AM on May 22, 2008

The word 'fiance' is the red flag for me here.
Where's he in all this? Did you move in with the two of them?
Maybe he can run some interference for you.

But agree with those above who say hold your ground, be professional at work, and drop her like a hot rock at 5:01 pm each evening.
posted by willmize at 12:01 PM on May 22, 2008

When you say business as usual, it sounds like you are still hanging out and talking with her outside of work? If you are still hooking up with her, talking on phone, etc etc, then how can you expect it to end? You need to cut off all contact completely. And keep the work place contact to the minimum required by the project.
posted by ShootTheMoon at 12:02 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

The next time she grabs you I would embarrass the hell out of her. "Stop grabbing my crotch. Do you have any self-respect? I've asked you numerous times and it still doesn't seem to have gotten through. You are not allowed to grab my crotch. Ever. Don't do it again." Then walk away.

I would slow this friendship down if you are still socializing outside of work. She seems to be getting mixed messages. It's not your problem that you are her only friend. This sounds very manipulative to me. Obviously, you are not her only friend since she is engaged. What about her fiance? Is he chopped-liver?
posted by LoriFLA at 12:07 PM on May 22, 2008

Wait, I'm confused. Did you date her during her engagement or before? Did you live with her during her engagement or before? If it was during, yikes.
Either way, it's your responsibility to cut her off. Tell her firmly in no uncertain terms to 1) stop touching you! 2) Stop flirting with you! 3) You are not going to hang out with her at all anymore. Period.

I feel bad for the fiance. He's getting played right now, and the good guy thing to do right now would be to put the kibosh on your interaction with his fiance. If she wants to play around with other dudes, she can break off the engagement (unless they have an open relationship, but it doesn't sound like it from your description).
posted by fructose at 12:11 PM on May 22, 2008

Who cares if she throws temper tantrums, even if they're at work? They only make her look like a dipshit. Stop reacting to them, stop giving in.

If my fiance were getting all this attention from some girl he works with, you'd better believe I'd expect him to tell her to knock it the fuck off, pronto. It's disrespectful to her fiance. My guess is that she's found another guy who's just as afraid of calling her on her hissy fits. What is she going to do, really? Does she hit you? Call the cops! Does she grab your crotch? Call HR! What on earth can this crazy woman really do to you without completely destroying her own credibility? What do you have to lose? You don't want to socialize with her. You'd probably prefer it if she left the company. I'm not advocating getting her fired, but you have every right to be free from a hostile work environment.
posted by desjardins at 12:21 PM on May 22, 2008

She's still getting all this attention from you, so why would she stop?

Exactly, she's playing games with you. And when you react - in anyway - she wins. Ignore her when she's being maninpulative, and tell her you aren't going to deal with her when she acts like that if she asks what is going on. Stick to your groundrules, because if you break them she'll be back for more.
posted by bigmusic at 12:31 PM on May 22, 2008

Everybody else is so healthy and confrontational and sane. Sigh. I wouldn't do any of the above. I'd out drama her and lie like a rug - specifically, I would say, while gazing tearfully into her eyes, "Look, I just can't (sob) see you any more. It's tearing me up inside. I know you're with him now and I know that's best for you. You're going to have to help me be brave; I have no self control; please, please stay away from me except professionally. I've made a vow that I will not - nay! CAN not! - have any more contact with you outside the workaday world. Please help me begin my life again." Then every time she calls, hang up the phone and every time you run into her at work, look stricken, nearly fall over and run away.

Okay, okay, I know, it's completely crazy. But sometimes, when you're dealing with crazy people, the only option is to be slightly crazy back and speak in a language they can understand. This way, you're flattering her vanity and still getting yourself safely away and nobody's feelings get all horribly hurt and you don't have to call in the authorities.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:35 PM on May 22, 2008

Send her an email that details her unacceptable harassment in the workplace. The email gets your complaint on record. This protects you in case she really blows a gasket in the future and tries to turn the tables with a reverse harassment complaint.

If you don't wish to go directly to human resources so as not to put a flag on her record, it might serve you well to have a conversation with her in front of a very close mutual co-worker to again get your complaint on record.
posted by netbros at 12:38 PM on May 22, 2008

Just call her fiancé and let him deal with it. Or quit your job.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 12:42 PM on May 22, 2008

Back to add that obviously you two are friends. She calls you numerous times; you accept the calls. She feels comfortable enough to grab you, etc. You have an intimate history. You haven't blown her off. Like the majority of these questions, we don't know the entire story. She is committed to another person romantically, or technically she is. Her touching you in intimate places is wrong on so many levels. If you have to shame her a little to get the picture, so be it. If you have to stop being her friend because she continues to touch you inappropriately, so be it. Being fondled against your will is a good reason to end a friendship.

If you still want to maintain some sort of friendship, and she stops touching you, it might help for you to send her an email or call once in a while. Maybe forward a news article that is related to your industry. If you give a little she may be less clingy. This is only if you care for her as a friend and think she is a little unstable or confused at the moment.

If you don't want a friendship, stop taking her calls. Keep it professional. Keep it cordial. Hopefully, eventually she will get the hint.
posted by LoriFLA at 12:58 PM on May 22, 2008

You need to start documenting this ASAP. Someone who engages in this kind of drama is more likely than the average sort to get you in deep trouble with HR. She could accuse you of sexual harassment.

Whatever else you do, you need to file a written statement with HR about what is going on.
posted by Justinian at 1:02 PM on May 22, 2008 [5 favorites]

I'm speaking from very limited experience here but.... The craziest, most needy, most willing to cause and endure drama, person will win any contest. If you go to HR and they help to resolve the situation in your favor, you will still have lost in the long term. It sounds like you've tried to resolve this with her by talking to her. You've tried putting distance between the two of you. Wouldn't you feel better with a new job?
posted by rdr at 1:33 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

Someone who engages in this kind of drama is more likely than the average sort to get you in deep trouble with HR. She could accuse you of sexual harassment.

I can't emphasize the wisdom of this enough. There is a good chance that she will try to wreak havoc at your workplace. Your only defense--besides excellent work and overall professionalism--is a good offense. Tell her in writing to knock it off. (Use your work email). Forward it to HR (or BCC it--don't tip her off) with a note saying this has been ongoing.

If you can, see a therapist (for some short-term support--and to help you deal with your oncoming mild depression before it gets worse).

This is a truly sucky situation--good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:26 PM on May 22, 2008

Get a new phone number and don't give her the number. And if she's upset and cries-well, that's what her fiance is there for.

Also, it might do you well to get an imaginary girlfriend that might be located far away but you're head over heels in love with.

Another suggestion is that you insult her. I hate to suggest it but she's not respecting your boundaries. She's being crazy and apparently she can't be dealt with in a reasonable way.
posted by onepapertiger at 4:21 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

Someone who engages in this kind of drama is more likely than the average sort to get you in deep trouble with HR. She could accuse you of sexual harassment.

That was my first thought, too. Nthing the suggestion to start documenting now.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:12 PM on May 22, 2008

Thanks to all!

FWIW, she doesn't touch at work. That'd be an automatic trip to HR by me if she ever did. If she does bring craziness into the workplace (beyond the usual unprofessional tantrum), I'll head to HR right quick.
posted by moitz at 7:30 PM on May 22, 2008

Then don't hang out with her outside of work. Easy.
posted by fructose at 1:31 PM on May 23, 2008